Dreaming of you, in quicksand...MST3K

Dreaming of you, in quicksand - MST3K
Original story by TBoneTony


Authors' Note: Some of our oh-so-witty remarks couldn't fit into the flow of the fic. We marked their places with stars, and put them at the end as authors' notes. May you find them as funny as we did.

Another Authors' Note: Kiune, a fox-girl, was originally an OC by one of the authors (see GuardianKiune's account for the story she began in), but she took on a life of her own and now hangs around to make smart-assed comments with us.

Okay, the fic can actually start now!

All: NOOOOO!!

Authors: Mwa hahahaha!

---------------Termina Day 3. 8:00 pm 4 hours until midnight. 10 hours remaining.------------------------
A 18 year old Link looked out of the window of the stock pot inn where he had stayed many restless nights through his adventure.

Ganondorf: A 22-year-old Link was busy banging Zelda's brains out, and a 10-year-old Link was lighting Kiune's tail on fire.

Kiune: Yeah, I still haven't forgiven Link for that one.

He had to save the world in 3 day and already he was tired. Well it was made easier when he got his ocarina back from that Skull kid with that spooky mask. That kid was the reason why he was stuck here in this parallel world.
As Link was pondering over what he had to do tonight. He had just got some magic Romani milk from the bar and all he had to do was to wait for 4 more hours to face his destiny.

Dark: "Magic milk" eh? Anything like electric Kool-Aid?

Link: Cheers to Jim Jones.

Tatl was flying around the room and asked Link. "Hey, when this is all over, can you stay with us? The Skull kid is not really a bad person, he was only messed up with that mask. He really needs a true friend."

Zelda: He only summoned the bloody MOON down to pulverize us all. Let's be chums!

Link looked back at the fairy that had helped him through his adventure.

Dark: They prefer the term "winged persons of a same-sex preference."

"Look Tatl, I have more things that need me back at my home in Hyrule...

Link: My toaster is desperately lonely without me, and I haven't changed Kiune's litter in awhile...

Kiune: (flips Link the middle claw) Fuck you, bedwetter.

Link: Maybe later, foxy lady.

Kiune: You are inches from death.

I know you are friends with this Skull kid but then this is all over, I need to go back to my home in Hyrule." Said Link as he looked down to his ocarina. "I have someone special that needs me more than you realise."

Link: My microwave.

"oh" whispered Tatl thoughtfully. "Is it a girl you like?"
Link's face grew beet red and he turned around.

Dark: Yes...a "girl."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????" Link shouted to Tatl trying to hide his emotions. "It is NOT like that!"

Dark: He is NOT a girl!

Link: You know, since you're my doppleganger, if I'm gay, that would make YOU gay.

Zelda: And fangirls everywhere weep.

Kiune: Or drool...

"Link, I can see

Ganondorf: cum

on your face when we helped Anju to be reunited with Kafei. I can see it on your face that you were also thinking of that someone you love back home. Fairies can read the minds of those they are connected to."
Link knew that Tatl was right, he has been thinking of someone he had loved. He had only been gone for 3 days but with all the time-travelling Link had done, it seemed like Link had been away from the one he loved for 3 months.

Link: That's because I lived those three days over and over...and fuckin' over again! I hate time travel.

Kiune: Has anyone else noticed that this "person he loves" has never been referred to by a specific gender pronoun?

They were still good friends but Link had never told her that he loved her and from the experience of helping Anju and Kafei, Link had learned that he should tell her what he feels about her. Even if she did not feel the same way, the pain of missing her would not hurt as much if he had found out what she truly felt about him in return before he left.

Dark: (counting on fingers, mumbling) Carry the three...divide by...okay, I guess that sentence makes sense...

Link turned towards his bed and got under the covers, it had been a busy 3 days for him...

Kiune: And he knew he'd have to jack off at least twice before he could sleep.

...and he needed to rest in order to prepare himself for battel against the Mask and the moon.
"Make sure you wake me at 11:30 pm Tatl, I don't want to wake up with the moon smashing into my face." Said Link.
"No worries Link...

Kiune: Hakuna matata.

...I will not fail you." Replied Tatl.
As Link drifted off to sleep, he could hear Anju and Kafei talking words of love to each other from the next room in the inn. Then Link started to think of the girl he loves...

All: Aww, damn.

...back in Hyrule, there are so many things he wanted to tell her but when he would get home to Hyrule, he had to hold those words until he would see her again. As Link fell deeper into the realms of sleep, one word escaped from his lips...

Dark: "Sheik."

....Zelda.

Kiune: Same difference.


------------------------Hyrule Castle----------------------
Over in the kingdom of Hyrule, a lonely 19 year old princess looked out of her window and sighed as another day went past without knowing if Link was still alive.

Ganondorf: A 24-year-old princess was screaming 23-year-old Link's name, and an 11-year-old princess was rushing to Kiune's aid with a fire extinguisher.

It had been 3 days since Link was reported missing...

Link: Three days for you, maybe; it was about six months for me.

...and she had only herself to blame.
"Why, why dose my heart sink into more pain as another sunset passes? Why did I not stop him from leaving this safe kingdom if I had known of the danger he is in now?"

Zelda: Who, who am I talking to?

Many people around Hyrule had not realised this but Zelda and Link had been connected to the triforce and that enabled them to feel what the other feels for some time.

Kiune: So when Link jerks off -

Zelda: Do not finish that sentence if you value your life.

Kiune: So it's true!

But with Link trapped in another world, her communication with him had been cut off.

Kiune: She hadn't had a decent orgasm in days...

Zelda: Alright, it is ON, bitch! (Rolls up a newspaper and chases Kiune around the theatre.)

Link: Catfight!

Ganondorf: Uhhh... Popcorn! I need popcorn!

Dark: Yep.

Many guards and even her father, the king of Hyrule had not believed her when she came screaming in to warn them about Link's disappearance from this world.
Tears came falling from her eyes as she cried in fear and pain in her heart. She never felt this way about Link before. She had taken him for granted from every adventure he went through...

Link: Gee, thanks.

...she had known that he was always going to arrive home safe. Now she was not sure if Link could ever come back alive.
"Why had I not told him about what I feel about him now?" She sobbed as she fell onto her bed. "Why did I not have the guts to tell Link I love him?"
Then as those 3 words escaped her mouth...

Link: (as words) Free! We're free!

...Zelda repeated them over and over again.
"I love him, I love, him. Please goddesses, Din, Nayru and Farore. I love Link and I can't live my life without him. Please bring him home back to me." Zelda screamed into her pillow...

Kiune: She finally got that orgasm.

...and her emotions became too much for her to stay awake.
Zelda then became very sleepy from all the water she had washed from her eyes...

Zelda: ...What?

...and then she slowly pealed her dress off her lovely body and got under the covers. Zelda was too tied to put on her night gown.

Link: Hey, who needs a nightgown when you're tied up?

Dark: Rowr!

As Zelda slept naked in her large queen size bed, she tried to think about happier times she had with Link...

Kiune: (snicker)

...as she realised that no matter what she could do...

Zelda: Fingers, dildos, hairbrushes...

Kiune: Oh, so you're allowed to talk about your masturbating, but not me? ...Ow! Ow! Leggo my tail!

Ganondorf: About that popcorn...

... the fate of Link was out of her hands.

Dark: But the hairbrush would be with her forever.


---------------------Start of Link's Dream------------------------
Link walked through the forest with a question mark over his head.

Link: What the fuck?? (bats at the weird floating punctuation)

"What is this, why am I here?

Dark: Oh Goddesses, he's having an existential crisis.

Am I in the lost woods? Where is Tatl, and why is there a question mark over my head?"

Kiune: See, that would have been my first question.

...Link said to himself as the (?) sign slowly disappeared after he stopped thinking to himself.
All of this made no sense to Link...

Zelda: Or any of us, really.

...as he wondered through the thick undergrowth of the forest.
Then suddenly, a large vine circled around Link's chest and before he saw it coming, Link was lassoed by the vine and he was dragged through all the trees and bushes till he came to an abrupt stop.

Zelda: Oh Goddesses...

Kiune: Tent-fic!!

Dark: RUN!

Link: No fair, no fair, I'm a boy, we're not supposed to be tentacle bait!

"WHAAHH!!!" Link screamed. "What was that?"
He looked around to his new surroundings and as he looked down, Link gasped.
There he was, wrapped up in vines and his feet to his chest were inside a large bulb of a plant.
"How did I get here?" shouted Link...

Dark: What does it all mean? What is my purpose? Is there a Grand Design? Is there anybody out there?

Kiune: Okay. What is he smoking, and where can I get some.

Zelda: Oh no you don't. Last time we smoked you up, we couldn't get the smell out of your fur for a week.

Kiune: Yeah, but you enjoyed the contact high, right?

Zelda: Sure, until the Jolly Green Giant started syncing-up Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon.

Ganondorf: Oh come on! It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Link: Man, how many tubes of cookie dough did we go through that week?

Narrator: Helloooo...

...and suddenly he felt the plant push itself around his whole body.
Link cried out in pain as he felt all the clothes on his body being ripped by the powerful suction of the plants lips that were around him.
"No, not my tunic, my sward, my shield. This is just like a....Like-like monster."

Link: It's like, I like, don't know what to, like, call it!

Ganondorf: You do 'valley-girl' way too well.

Link: ...Shit. That was supposed to be 'Scooby-Doo.'*

Link gasped as his tunic was ripped from his chest and his shoulder became sore from the powerful tear his tunic made.
But the plant kept attacking Link, it was trying to pull him down further.
"No...must... not....let....it...pull me....down....ugh!" Link struggled as the plant continued to suck his body further down it's mouth.
"Oh Farore, this thing is trying to eat me...NO!"

Zelda: (as Farore) What do you expect me to do about it? This is your dream sequence.

Link yelled again as he felt the vines trap his arms, now he could not move them.
Link pushed left and right, back and forward...

Ganondorf: Hey, I didn't know 'the worm' was still popular.

Kiune: Dude. You are old.

...but no matter how much he tried to wiggle himself out of the plant's bulb, he could not escape from the sucking pressure.
His eyes grew wide and her felt another sucking pressure inside the plant grab hold of him. His mouth opened wide in disbelief and horror as he felt himself become hard...

Link: What? No! I am not a ...plantophile?

Dark: Botanophile, maybe?

Link: Whatever. Just no!

...and the plants sucking pressure became harder on him.
"Oh my goddess....ugh....this plant....Ugh....is.....trying.....ugh....to rape me...UGH...UGH!!!"

Zelda: Why is Link a caveman? Not that I disagree; I'm just wondering.

Dark: Ugh no want blowjob now! (pounds chest)

Link: Hey, well, maybe Ugh do... (eyes Zelda)

Zelda: Die.

Link was horrified to feel that plant use him this way. He had fought against many monsters but nothing that tried to use his desires against him. He only wanted Zelda to do this to him.

Kiune: He wants Zelda to digest him?

Dark: What would you even call that fetish?

Not some plant that is trying to eat him.
Link felt the sweet on his forehead drip from his face as the plant continued to suck him harder and push his body deeper into its bulb.
Then Link felt his legs buckle under the pressure inside the plant and he gasped as the plant sucked him in up to his neck.

Ganondorf: Damn. And I thought Dark could deep-throat.

Dark: I thought we agreed not to talk about what happened in Tijuana.

Zelda: Oh Goddesses TMI!!!

Ganondorf: Heh...that was fun.

"Ugh...must...break....free...ugh...oh no....UGH.....mphh." Link yelled as the vines wrapped around his mouth and then around his neck trying to choke him.
Link felt his energy fading fast and himself becoming harder inside the plant. The pain was so intense that he did not know how long he would last.

Zelda: Not long...

Kiune: Heh.

Dark: Ugh! Ugh!

Then Link felt the lips of the plant close over his face and in a matter of seconds, Link was sucked inside the massive bulb of the man eating plant.
Link had his eyes closed as sap poured over his entire body. He could not breathe, he could not see, all that he could hear was the beating of the plant's veins inside its bulb and the incredible pain of the sucking pressure the plant continued to inflict his body.
Link tried to hang on for dear life but it seemed that this was the end. As the orgasmic pressure builded him inside him...

Dark: Like so many Lincoln logs.

...Link screamed out all of his air and his body thrashed inside the plant threatening to explode itself.
Then Link lay still, his hair matted to his face, all he could think of was Zelda,

Link: Baby, I swear, I was thinking of you the whole time!

Zelda: That's not a good thing, Link.

Dark: Ugh!

...he could not move as the plant continued to suck his body deeper to digest his soul forever.

-----------------Start of Zelda's dream--------------
Zelda found herself lost in a forest.

Kiune: How does one find oneself lost?

"What, how did I get here?" the princess thought to herself.
Then she looked down at herself, and realised that she was naked.
"Where are all my clothes?" she gasped.

Zelda: Ah, if I had a rupee for every morning I said that.

A bright pink flush of embarrassment came across her face,

Kiune: Not the only thing that -

Zelda: Just don't.

...Zelda did not know how she got here but the only thing for her to do was to find a way out of here.
As Zelda was walking through the forest, she did not feel that bad, it felt natural for her to be naked in the forest, there was nobody around, nothing that seemed to be threatening. All she wanted was to find some water so she can bathe herself.

Link: Because when I'm naked and lost in the woods...

Dark: Which happens more often than you'd think...

Link: ...A bath is my first priority.

Zelda: Link, bathing is never your first priority.

Link: Well, if you'd ever take baths with me like I keep asking...

She was walking for almost 30 minutes when she saw the most beautiful lake the princess had ever seen. It was crystal blue and it had rocks all around the edges and a triforce triangle carved out on each of the rocks.
"Wow, this place is beautiful." Zelda said as she was astounded by all the detail.

Ganondorf: Her art appreciation teacher would be proud.

As she stepped into the water, Zelda realised that it felt shallow, she could not make any sense out of it because the water looked deep. But she was only knee deep. Plus Zelda could not see her toes in the water.
The princess of Hyrule continued to step out in the middle of the lake until she realised that she could not move her feet.
"Hey, what is this?" Zelda asked herself when she felt her feet froze.
She looked down and gasped in horror as the water changed colour/color...

Dark: For all you trans-Atlantic porno addicts out there...

...from deep blue to light brown, plus the water became more solid and grainy.

Link: Just as long as it didn't get warm.

Kiune: Eww.

Then Zelda's mouth opened wide in terror as she saw her knees disappear beneath the surface.
"Oh goddess, it's quicksand." gasped Zelda as she screamed and tried to push her legs up and down to try and get out of there. But the quicksand held her lovely legs and she continued to sink up to her thighs.
"Help, somebody, I'm in quicksand. Help me!!!!" Zelda cried out loud and wished that there was someone here to help her. But there was no response and she was all alone.
As the sand came up to her hips, Zelda let out a frightful gasp...

Zelda: Oh, how perfectly ghastly.

...as she felt the quicksand enter inside her.
"Oh, no it cant be?" Zelda was on the verge of loosing her mind.
The quicksand probed itself inside her, touching her like no man could do.

Link: Well maybe some of us could if you'd give it a chance.

Ganondorf: It said "man," fairy-boy.

Zelda was breathing faster as she saw the quicksand rise more to her navel, her belly button was filled up...

Zelda: Tee hee! That tickles!

...and the princess felt the pressure of the quicksand taking hold of her.
"Oh, the quicksand." Zelda gasped. "It's alive, and it's touching me."

Zelda: I just felt the need to announce this randomly.

Then Zelda felt the quicksand move more inside her, breaking her virgin shied.

Kiune: Um...what?

"UGH, NO.." she gasped. "The quicksand...ugh...is trying ....to ugh....RAPE ME!!!!"

Zelda: I never complain about getting raped when I get sand in my suit at the beach...

The quicksand was moving her body up and down and Zelda was in total shock, her eyes were wide with terror and she tried to push her arms in to try and make it stop hurting her. But to her horror, the quicksand only sucked in Zelda's arms and she could not move them.
"OH NO, I'm trapped. HELP, somebody, HELP ME UGH."

Dark: Where's Tarzan when you need him?

Ganondorf: Well, he was swinging in to the rescue, but his vine kidnapped him and made him a sex slave...

Zelda screamed in pain once again as the quicksand grabbed her sensitive breasts.
"Augh, No...ugh...Not my breasts....ugh...ugh....Ugh....UGh....UGH....UGH...UGH!!!!"

Kiune: (humming Beethoven's Fifth) Ugh-ugh-ugh UGH...ugh-ugh-ugh-UGH....

Dark: Beethoven's Fifth of what? Jack Daniels?

Fear increased in Zelda's heart as the quicksand tighten itself around her body, it had parted her legs under the surface to to get more of itself inside her.
"No....can't ....break...free.....ugh....quicksand.....raping.....me....Ugh......can't.....breathe.....UGH!!!"

Dark: Don't...ugh...know...ugh...who I'm...ugh...talking to!

Link: Ugh!

Zelda panted erratically and her pitch rose as the quicksand continued to move her up and down.
The quicksand rose above Zelda's shoulders and closed itself around her neck.
"Augh...no...ugh....help. UGH!!!" Zelda choked as she could not breathe in any more.
Sweet continued to drip from her forehead...

Zelda: Again with the sweets on the forehead.

Dark: Are these like pillow-mints, or what?

Kiune: Mmmm...forehead.

...and her long hair flower all around her head remaining on the surface.

Link: Maybe the hair flower can do battle with the hero-molesting tentacle plant and save me!

Zelda could not move, she could not stop the quicksand from raping her and from the looks of it, the quicksand was going to eat her and swallow her under.
Orgasmic waves were building up inside her chest as Zelda let out one last scream.
"Augh...ugh...HELP ME LINK..... UUGGHHH!!!!!!" Zelda shouted through the forest as her whole body exploded...

Dark: Ribbons of flesh flew everywhere...her innards festooned the trees...it was quite festive really.

Kiune: (edging away) Eeurrgh.

...in one massive climax generated by the quicksand.
Zelda looked up to the sky as her eyes closed from exhaustion, it would only be a matter of time before the quicksand would finish her.
"I'm coming Link."

Ganondorf: (as Quicksand) Link? Who the hell is Link?! I thought we had something special!

...whispered Zelda as she prayed her undying love for him as she felt her face slowly disappear under the quicksand.

----------------------Back to Link---------------------------
Link gasped in precious air as he survived his ordeal with the plant. His eyes looked at the dead bulb and the vines that lay shrivelled in front on it.
"How did I survive that?" Link asked to himself.

Ganondorf: I was wondering that myself; there seems to be a wee plot-hole here.

Dark: I think he gave it VD,

He had no clothes, no sward...

Link: I wasn't really using the sward anyway.

...no shield, only his body and soul remained laying on the forest floor.
"HELP ME LINK!" a scream echoed through the woods.
Link's eyes widen as he heard the scream, it sounded like someone he knew but he had no idea who it was anyway Link was the hero of time so he had to save the damsel in distress.

Link: It's in my contract. They'll sacrifice my firstborn if I don't.

Link heard the pleas for help disappear but he had a feeling of where they were coming from.
So Link acted on instinct and made his way to save the girl, even if he was naked that was not the main concern.

Dark: Hoo boy, I see where this is going.

Kiune: Naked him, naked her, escape from imminent doom, flop-hump-penetrate. Same old shit.

----------------------Back to Zelda----------------------
Zelda was hanging on for dear life...

Ganondorf: To what, exactly?

...as she moved her chin up and out of the quicksand.
"Please....someone......help...me." Zelda whispered faintly as she did not have much energy left in her body to shout anymore.
Her eyes were closed, her ears disappeared under the surface, her face was framed and she did not have long to live as the quicksand was slowly dragging her frail body under.
"This is it, I'm dying."

Zelda: Oh, what a world, what a world.

She moaned before her mouth was coved my quicksand.

Ganondorf: You know, some sentences are their own humour.

The princess felt her soul leave her body as her head disappeared under the surface...

Dark: Damn, this writer has a real jones for out-of-body experiences.

Zelda: This is the weird thing you notice? I've just been boinked by quicksand, and Link's had the mother of all blowjobs from a houseplant on steroids, and that's the fetish you notice?

Link: Hey, a quickie's a quickie, gotta take it where you find it.

...only leaving her hair above to eventually follow her doomed corpse.
Link broke through the clearing to see blond hair on the surface of the quicksand.

Link: (crossed fingers) Please be Pamela Anderson, please be Pamela Anderson...

Zelda: Oh please, at least mine are real.

He acted quickly and saw a large tree branch hanging over the hair slowly disappearing.
The hero of time bravely climbed onto the branch and turned himself upside-down with his legs holding his balance on the branch.

Link: Here, hold this, I'll be right back.

Link quickly dived his hands into the quicksand as the hair slowly disappeared to follow the female victim and Link searched for a good place to grab her.
After some hard work Link finally grabbed the girl under her armpits and he pulled her up.
As the face of the victim rose above, Link was surprised to realise that the person he had just saved was none other than princess Zelda.

Link: Damn it.

"Zelda, it that you?" Link gasped in surprise and he continued to pull her body out of the quicksand.
Zelda only gasped and choked out sand...

Kiune: So the quicksand came in her mouth?

Zelda: AAAAHHHHH DIE!!!

...as she was slowly pulled free from the quicksand's grip.

Moments later, Link dragged Zelda's body up the branches of the tree to get her away from the deadly quicksand that was bubbling aggressively from losing its victim...

Kiune: (as quicksand) BLAAAARRRG!

"Zelda, Zelda, can you hear me? Wake up princess." Link stared into her face as he tried everything to make Zelda wake up.
Then as her eyes fluttered open, Zelda gasped in deep breathes as she looked around herself. Then she saw Link and her face was shocked but also happy to see him again.
"Link, what happened to me?" she asked Link.

Link: I just saved you from Ganon!

Zelda: You did not!*

"You were almost swallowed by the quicksand, but don't worry, you are safe now." Link explained to her.
Tears fell from Zelda's eyes as the princess of Hyrule buried her face into Link's bare chest and cried.
"Oh Link." she sobbed. "I thought I would never see you again, what had happened to you?"...

Link: Yeaaah... See I don't know how to say this Zelda, but I think I was raped by a venus fly trap.

Link thought about it for a minute, he knew he had been trapped in another world but he had somehow forgotten how he made it back home.

Kiune: ...Wake up?

But then this was not needed to be talked about now. He had to comfort Zelda from the trauma her body had to experience when she was in the quicksand.
Link put his arms around her and slowly embraced her in a deep cuddle.

Zelda: How does a cuddle be deep?

Link: Might it involve me putting my face between your breasts?

"It's ok Zelda, how I disappeared and how I made it back can wait for another time.

Ganondorf: As soon as the author gets around to fixing that plot-hole.

All we have to think of at the moment now is that we are together again." Link whispered softly in her ear.
"Link, I'm so scared." Zelda's tear marks were staining her face as she sobbed. "This place has things that have been trying to rape me, eat me and destroy my soul. I want to go home."...

Link: *sigh * That's what you said about Disney World.

"Don't worry Zelda, we will be back in Hyrule soon."
Link leaned back so he could rest on the tree, it felt soft and not too itchy to have his bare skin rub on the bark of the strongest part of the tree.
Zelda leaned up close to Zelda, not caring if they were naked...

Kiune: Wow, there are two naked Zeldas!

Link: (singing) Heaven...I'm in heaven...

...she felt safe in Link's arms. She could feel him touch her thigh but she did not care about that. To cuddle naked with Link was like making love to him, it was like a special way to make love to her hero without it being in a sexual way.

Zelda: Then what's the point??

Then Zelda felt her eye lids slowly become heavy as she slept with Link...

Dark: But not in a sexual way...

...up in the tall tree and felt his heart beat next to hers.

While Link and Zelda were asleep, huge long muscly coils moved on the tree branches on top of where the loving couple had been sleeping. A large head of a python slowly slithered down...

Zelda: AAAHHH! DISEMBODIED SNAKE HEAD!!!

...and studied these strange intruders of its home. The snake licked its forked tongue and moved closer to its potential prey.

Link felt something warm wrap around him and he was pulled closer to Zelda, but he did not want to get too close.

Kiune: Oh, bullshit!

Suddenly he felt an extra warm feeling all around his body. He felt that Zelda was moving closer to him every second. As if she wanted to get closer to him. Suddenly Link felt Zelda's heart beat faster next to him, the skin to skin contact was so incredible that Link could not control himself any longer.

Zelda: Jesus, can you last more than a few seconds?!

He thought that if Zelda felt this close to him and she wanted to be closer, then he may as well go along with the ride because he felt the same feelings for her. Then Link moved his legs even more closer to Zelda as he prepared to make the biggest move in his life.

Link: Saving the world seven times would have nothing on this!

But he could not do it. It was not because he was too nervous...

Dark: Heh heh heh... can't get it up?

Link: Hey! After that plant, I have a phobia of warm, wet places!

...it was because something else was blocking his path to Zelda.
Link's eyes shot open...

Kiune: Bang!

...as he saw Zelda's eyes wide in shook and terror, sweat was falling from her face...

Zelda: Well, at least I got rid of the 'sweets'.

...and he could feel her breasts next to his chest being squeezed into him harder by the seconds that they stared into each others eyes.
"Link?" gasped Zelda. "Is that you I feel inside me?"
Link's jaw hung open in fear, if he was not inside her, then who was?

Link: The question is, do we really want to know?

He looked down to see long coils of muscle and dark scaly skin all around their naked bodies.

Zelda: I don't think we're being given a choice.

Link's chest began to heave next to Zelda and the muscles tighten their coils around them.
"LINK, BEHIND YOU!!!" shouted Zelda.
Link turned his neck around...

Dark: Holy hells, it's the 'Exorcist'!

Link: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!!!

...and looked behind to see the face if the monster that was closer to him than he thought.
"NO it's a snake." Link whispered in shook.

Ganondorf: 'Shook' being an obscure Hylian dialect, most famous for its colorful/colourful curses.

He tried to move his arms but they were bounded together being pushed into Zelda's back.
"Link....it's inside me....the snake is RAPING ME!" Zelda screamed as she felt the snake push its tail further inside her and wrap itself around everything inside her most sacred place of her body.

Dark: Okay, I have to ask. How is your vagina sacred? Are you douching with holy water, or what?

Link tried to move his hands down Zelda's back to try and pull out the tail but already he was too tied up to help her.
The huge python continued to circle itself around its victims and pulled them closer together.
"UGH...Link...it's...hurting...me...UGH" moaned Zelda as she felt that her bones were about to crack.
"Zelda, hang in there. I'm going to free us." Link tried to comfort Zelda.
But by the way Zelda had her eyes closed and her mouth wide open in pain, Link knew he had to think fast before this snake was going to kill them both.
Suddenly the squeezing stopped, Link tried to move to his left but the snake was too powerful to move against its strong embrace.
"There must be someway to get out." Link thought to himself.
He turned his head towards Zelda but he saw that Zelda was moving her head side to side with her eyes lids half open.
"The....snake....it's....eyes...." Zelda gasped as she swayed her head from left to right.

Zelda: Has anyone noticed we haven't said anything in several minutes?

Dark: ...Do we need to?

Link had a quick glance of the snake's head behind him and stared in horror as he felt the hypnotic rays come out of it's eyes. He quickly shake his had to come out of the trance and yelled to Zelda.
"Quick Zelda, turn you head away. It is trying to put you under its spell. ZELDA, SPEEK TO ME!!!!"
But it was no use. Zelda's eyes fell like rocks and she was asleep. "NO, ZELDA!!!!!" Link yelled into her face to try and wake up the sleeping princess. "WAKE UP OR WE WILL BE EATEN. ZELDA, SPEEK TO ME. SAY SOMETHING!!!"
Tears formed in Link's eyes. Who ever said that big boys don't cry was totally wrong.

Ganondorf: This wrongly presumes that Link is a big boy.

"Zelda, please wake up." sobbed the hero of time. "Please say something."
"Link...."
Link opened his eyes, he was so happy to hear her voice.
"Zelda. You're awake?" Link asked her with hope in his heart.
"Yes I am, now look into my eyes. We can get out of here." said Zelda.
Link could feel the same hypnotic powers from her as he did from the snake.
Link quickly turned his eyes away from her.
"You are not Zelda!" he shouted without looking directly into her face.
"Yes I am, trust me, I am setting us free." said Zelda in a low and seductive voice.
Link felt the snakes coils begin to fall.
He opened his eyes in shock to see all the scaly muscles around him slowly drop off.
"This is too easy." Link said in disbelief.
"Oh, you want me to prove it too you. Well let me show you how I its done." explained Zelda.
The princess slowly moved her body, swaying it like a belly dancer.

Kiune: Shaking it like a saltshaker.

Link looked down to avoid her eyes but was spellbound by her body.
Zelda leaned herself up and moved her breasts so Link was looking at them strait in front of his eyes.
Link was spellbound by her breasts as they slowly swing left to right and back again. Her nipples glowed red...

Dark: FREAK!

...and Link tried to turn his head. But he did not move, his eyes were wide open and he could not move his head away from their hypnotic swaying.
"Can't....move....ugh." Link moaned as he felt tired.

Kiune: Ugh not here right now, please leave message.

"That's right Link, you are getting sleepy, very sleepy." Zelda softly whispered to charm Link with her seductiveness.
Before Link had realised it, the snake had already had him and Zelda under its power. It used Zelda as its first victim and used her seductive powers of her attractive body against Link.
"Fall to sleep, Link. Fall to sleep. Rest your head and close your eyes." Zelda sang her lullaby and it was at this moment that Link was under her complete control, or under the snake's complete control as it used Zelda as its puppet to seduce Link with its hypnotic powers.

Dark: Just in case anyone had forgotten that bit of bizzareity.

"Kiss me Link, kiss my body." Zelda asked Link in a seductive tone.
Link opened his eyes as if he was in a daze.
"Anything you want, my princess." he replied.
Link was trapped deep inside his mind, he could not control his body and neither could Zelda. The power of the snakes spell that they were under was so strong that it made them do things that they would not do in reality.

Kiune: What a load of crap! I've walked in on them plenty of times. Would it kill you guys to lock the door?

That was because the pythons spell was one that exploits the hidden feelings of the victim and uses it against them. With Link's and Zelda's hidden feelings still undiscovered towards both of them, the snake found it far more easier to take advantage of its new victims.

Ganondorf: I didn't realize porn came with lectures.

Dark: Did everyone take notes? There will be a quiz.

Link moved his lips over Zelda's breasts and kissed her nipples passionately, making her gasp and moan from the sensation the princess found inside her body.

Zelda: Aha, I found it!

"Link, kiss me lower."
Link followed her orders and licked his way down her belly, digging his tongue inside her belly button to give her more than a good tickle.
He then moved lower and he pushed up his arms to bring Zelda higher so he could reach down to her sacred realms.

Kiune: Wait...when we defeated Ganondorf...

Link: "We?"

Kiune: Didn't he get banished to the...

Dark: Oh...dear lord.

Ganondorf: Hmm. I guess I don't mind being defeated so much after all. Thanks Link, I made it down here before you did!

Zelda: ALL OF YOU DIE!!!

As Link licked down further at her golden curly hair...

Link: Uch, I hate getting pubes in my teeth.

...the snake who was pulling all of the stings with its victims decided it was time to speed up the process of meal time.
It used its hypnotic powers to move the female victim so she turned herself around to make her back can lean against the male victim. The snake also made sure that the male victim was holding his ground to they won't fall off the tree and plunge into the darkness below.

Zelda: This sounds suspiciously like a documentary on the Discovery Channel...

Dark: Crikey! Look at 'im go!

Kiune: And now, a moment of silence for Steve Irwin. Roll the montage.

As Zelda softly laid her back against Link's muscly chest she purred as Link moved his hands all over her.
"Oh Link, don't stop touching me." She gasped.
Link moved his hands lower and they eventually found their way inside Zelda.

Dark: It took two U-turns, a flashlight, and a road map, but they made it.

Link: Should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

She moaned as Link explored everywhere inside her.

Dark: He found her spleen particularly interesting.

The python licked its lips...

Ganondorf: Snakes have lips?

Zelda: This is the rare Kissing Snake, unique to the jungles of Tentfictopia.

Dark: Crikey!

Kiune: Shut up. Go play with a stingray.*

...and decided it was time he would wrap things up between its two victims.
The snake slithered its long scaly body around the two love birds and circled around their hips, making Link go inside Zelda from behind her.
"Oh Link. Please don't stop." Zelda moaned.
"Anything you want princess." replied Link.
The snake circled around them and pressed their bodies tighter together. It wrapped 2 coils around their bellies, pressing all the air out of them...

Link: Goddesses...can't breathe...

...then one around their chests. Zelda gasped as the snake pushed her breasts into her chest.

Kiune: Where were her breasts before that?

And the 4th coil went around their shoulders locking the arms inside the mass of scaly muscles of coils around Link and Zelda's bodies.
Link felt his chest was being merged against Zelda's back, he was finding it harder to breathe deep in the snakes hug.
Zelda also found it hard to breathe but still kept on moaning from Link's fingers touching her and from the scaly muscles of skin that was wrapped around her breasts stimulating her nipples.
Sweet was dripping from the victim's heads...

Zelda: What the hell?!

Ganondorf: So that's why the snake wants to eat them.

...as the snake moved between them. The snake slithered around Link's head to get a coil around his neck, then it went around Zelda's neck and it was only a matter of time before they would be finished.

Link: No, asphyxiation never really got me off.

Dark: Finally, the one thing in the world that doesn't!

Zelda moaned louder "Oh LINK, this is what was meant to be. Soon we will be living forever inside the belly of the great python...ughh...."

Zelda: Oh goddess, not the 'Ughs' again.

Kiune: (as Ughs) We're baaaaack!

The snake started to put on the big squeeze and both Link and Zelda were starting to turn blue as the python was slowly beginning to choke them to death.
Suddenly the branch broke.

Dark: (as snake) Oh shit!

The snake let out a surprise hiss* and quickly unwrap itself from its meal and slithered onto a safer branch. But it had to give up its meal in the process as the bodies of Link and Zelda disappeared into darkness.

Zelda woke up and she was surprised to see Link hanging onto her under her armpits with one arm and the other holding a tree branch.
"What happened Link." she asked. "How did we get away from that python?"

Link: Dumb luck?

Ganondorf: Deus ex machina?

Link was just as confused as she was.
"I don't know Zelda, but I think we have been hanging around here for too long. We need to get back to Hyrule." suggested Link
Zelda looked down, but all she could see was darkness.
"Link." she said to Link. "I don't know if we would ever get out of this place."
"Don't say things like that Zelda. If you do then we will never get out." Link tried to cheer her spirits.

Zelda: And failed miserably.

"Look Link, we are lost, we are naked, we have been attacked, eaten and probably been raped by monsters. It is dark and all for I know, we are doomed." Zelda began to cry.
Link looked down to her face to see tears come out of her eyes...

Dark: She normally weeps from her...

Zelda: No.

Dark: What? I was going to say...antennae. Yeah...

...he never saw Zelda cry before. If his other hand was not so busy...

All: (burst out laughing)

...holding onto the branch as a lifeline then he could have wiped the tears off her face, no he would hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be ok if they stick together.

Zelda: We just were stuck together and it didn't help.

But now even that was not going to stop Zelda crying. So Link looked deep into his own heart and said something he had been wanting to say to Zelda for a long time.

Kiune: (as Link) Zelda...I liked you better as Sheik.

"Zelda, I know we are stuck between a rock and a hard place, to put it quite frankly I guess we are hanging on by a limb.

Dark: Mixaphorically speaking.

But I have faced many monsters during my life and believe me, they have all been scary. They have not tried to rape me like the monsters in this world, except for the Like-likes that have eaten my tunics and shields but one thing that has always kept me going was you Zelda. The thought of never seeing you again was as painful to my heart as it was for a dragon to burn my soul with its breath of fire. You are my reason for survival. You are my reason for never giving up. To see you give up like this Zelda makes me wonder why I ever fell in love with you." Link stopped in shock to what he just said.
Zelda stopped crying, turned around in Link's arm that was holding her and pulled herself up to look as Link in his eyes.

Kiune: And said, "Link...hire a writer."

"What did you just say Link" she whispered to his face...

Link: Oh Goddesses! Do I really have to repeat ALL of that?

Link repeated what he just said. But only the last few words with better grammar.

Ganondorf: Well thank god for that.

"I love you, Zelda." said Link "You are the true reason why I am still alive today. If it was not for you, I could have been killed by now"
Zelda was stunned, she knew that she was someone special to Link but she never thought that he would feel for her in this way. Princesses could not fall in love with normal common teenage boys like Link but she thought that Link never went to school in order to know that.

Kiune: Hyrulian public school lesson number one... You are a lowly maggot.

But it was clear as the triforce on the back of their hands, Link was in love with her and now it was her turn to say something.
"Link, I..." Zelda began to say before the branch they were hanging on for dear life started to break.
Link's eyes opened wide in horror as Zelda slipped from his other hand.
"ZELDA, NOOOO!" shouted Link.
"LINK!" cried Zelda as she started to fall into darkness.
Link grabbed hold of Zelda by her fingers and hang on to her.

Dark: Oh wow! I just realized what this scene reminds me of! It's the end of Final Fantasy VII with Cloud and Tifa after defeating Sephiroth!

"ZELDA, I've got you. Hang on." Link said as he held onto his grip on her.
Zelda looked up, it seemed that the branch was about to brake.
"Link, I LOVE YOU TOO." she screamed her heart out to him. "I loved you ever since we first meet when you came into my garden. I was 11 years old and you were 10 years old. I never knew that I could fall in love with a man a year younger than myself but over the years I felt myself wanting to be closer to you. Not only closer in a friendship way but also in a more sexual way. I dream about you every night as you are off on another adventure. But I always prayed for your safe returns. I had always taken you for granted because the power of the triforce would always tell me that you are alive but in the last 3 days the triforce told me that you were gone from this world. I felt that you were dead but now that I can see you, I can feel you and oh how I want to touch your face next to mine. Even if we were to die right hear and now I feel so happy now that I know that you love me in return."
Zelda said everything that she wanted to say to Link and more.

Zelda: Really, really quickly.

She did not care if it was embarrassing, she had only one life to live and it was slowly fading fast.

Dark: It was easily hard for her to say this.

All she could do was to make the most of the precious little time she got to live for as the branch began to snap.
Link was astounded that Zelda cared for him the same way he felt about her.
As the branch snapped, they did not scream. Instead Link allowed his falling body to slowly descend...

Dark: Not that he had much choice in the matter.

...to reach Zelda and their eyes meet with happiness.

Kiune: We're gonna die! Wheee!

Zelda wrapped her arms around Link's head as she pulled him into their first kiss. It was not rushed or forced as they fell, but it was more of a slow one as the world around them began to slow down in slow-motion. But the longer they kissed the harder and more passionate the kiss was.

Kiune: And the slower the motion was, which was slow.

And the more passionate the kiss was, the faster they fell and the faster their hearts beet next to each other.

Zelda: And yet as they sped up, they slowed down, to a very slow slowness.

Dark: What did it say about beets?

Zelda: Those are slow too.

Both Link and Zelda hung onto each other until the deadly impact they would feel with the ground.

Ganondorf: (as Ground) This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Then it came....

All: (die laughing)

"Link...ugh...help."

Dark: Ugh!

Link opened his eyes and was surprised to be still alive. He looked at Zelda with a smile on his face. But he quickly changed his facial expression as he looked down. His hips were in some sort of soft wet dirt and Zelda was facing him with the same results.

Zelda: So what did you get on the falling test? I got mud.

"Link....were in quicksand."

Ganondorf: Return of the Quicksand!

Kiune: Son of Quicksand!

Dark: Quicksand II...Now it's pissed off.

...Shrieked Zelda, her voice was getting higher in fear. "Its trying go get inside me again."
Link looked around for a branch or a rope to get them out but it was no use, plus he could not move his legs against the strong strength of the mire.*

Link looked at Zelda terrified body and dug his hand just below her belly.
Zelda looked at him in shock as Link moved his fingers inside her, she did not know what to feel but then she felt the quicksand being pushed out of her with Link's hands.

Kiune: How the hell do you push sand out of there?

Dark: Well, you know how when you're building sandcastles at the beach, you can sort of scoop the sand around? Like that...I guess...

Kiune: Still fuckin' weird.

Then Link pushed his hips so that he would be closer to Zelda and he put his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him.
"Link, what are you...ugh." Zelda cried out loud as Link thrust her against him.

Ganondorf: Wait...her...him... Okay, the only way this makes sense is if Sheik is there too.

Suddenly she felt Link inside her and there was no quicksand in there, Link had protected her most sacret part of her body from the dirty touch of the quicksand.

Ganondorf: (as Quicksand) Hey, buddy, I was open to a threesome but you have to move over and let me have a turn!

"Oh Link, thank you so much." said Zelda, her face was red but now at least she did not have to worry about the quicksand trying to rape her, she was in the arms of her hero and now had her love of her life inside protecting her from harm.
"I would do anything to protect you princess." said Link.

Link: Including fingering you.

Although his words did not make much sense at the moment...

Kiune: It STILL makes no freakin' sense!

...there was nothing to pull them out,

Zelda: But I'm not on the pill! You have to pull out!

Plus with the quicksand alive and wanting to take advantage of her nakedness, Zelda thought that Link was trying to protect her from a fate worse than death.

Link: Actually I'm just trying to get some, but you go on thinking that.

The quicksand began to grow in anger this was not suppose to happen. The quicksand was not use to not getting its own way with its victims.
Zelda felt something pull on her lower body and gasped in terror of what the quicksand was trying to do next.
"Link!!!" she yelled. "The quicksand is trying to suck us down."
Link looked down to see his and Zelda's bellies slowly being engulfed by the greedy mire.*
Link felt something tug from behind...

Link: Ow! Ow! Don't tug on that!

...it seemed that the quicksand was trying to separate him from Zelda.
"Zelda, hand on. The quicksand it trying to tear us apart. Hold on to me and don't let go." advised Link.
Zelda gripped onto Link's shoulders as he moved his body against her. Link had his arms around Zelda's back to lock her into his safe harness.

Dark: He has a harness? No clothes, no shield, not even a 'sward,' but he has a harness?

The quicksand continued to rise as it tried to pull away the two lovers. But no matter how strong the quicksand was, the love between Zelda and Link was far stronger as the ripples turned into big waves with each movement of Link and Zelda's rocking bodies.
The quicksand rose up and Zelda gasped.
"Link....ugh....my breasts....the quicksand it trying to take my breasts." She shouted.

Link: ...Take them where?

Link moved his arms and cupped Zelda's breasts so that it's muddy hands could not invade her sensitive nipples.

Zelda: Wait, I though one of your hands was already protecting my "sacret" area.

Link: Yeah, I had someone else fill in for him.

Zelda stared into his eyes with love displayed on her face.

Ganondorf: In 256-colour/color.

"Thank you for protecting them." the princess smiled.
Link did not know if it made any sense but a girl's breasts must have been important for him to protect.

Kiune: What eighteen-year-old male doesn't think breasts are import-Oh. Never mind.

Link then moved his chest closer so he could move his hands quickly around Zelda's back and push his chest into her so the quicksand would never get her sensitive flesh on her chest. Their nipples meet and a passionate connection of skin to skin contact was triggered within them...

Dark: ...Like jumpstarting a car...?

...as both Link and Zelda rubbed their bodies together even faster.
This infuriated the quicksand, not only was it pushed outside Zelda from within her, now it was denied her breasts and it began to swallow both Link and Zelda deeper into its muddy mass.
"Link...ugh...stay...with...me....ugh." moaned Zelda as she picked up her pace.
"I....ugh...will...always....be....with...you....Zelda....ugh....until....death....till....we...part...UGH." Link struggled but picked up pace in response.
The quicksand dragged them down to their necks and it tried to choke them with its muddy hands. But Zelda and Link still went for it and they still hung on tightly to each other.
"Well...ugh...this...is...it. Goodbye Link." cried Zelda with tears in her eyes.

Zelda: Does anyone else hear the 'Titanic' theme?

"Hang in there Zelda. I love you." replied Link.
"I love you too Link....mmphh." Zelda said her last words as she kissed Link on his lips.
Link responded and their tongues danced...

Dark: One-two, cha-cha-cha...

...as they continued to embrace each other tighter until the quicksand eventually closed over their heads.
It was dark and no sound could be hard, only the erratic beating of the hearts of two lovers struggling for air as they kissed under the quicksand that threaten the drown them. But as they continues to push their bodies together, the quicksand tighten its pressure around them. It was a race to see who could win. Could Link and Zelda make one more effort to truly love each other...

Dark: No, what they're trying to do here is truly fuck each other. Without interference by snake or other perverted beings.

...or will the quicksand pull them away and take the prize it treasures most in raping the princess.
As Zelda slowly lost the ability to hang on from the lack of air, she slowly began to slip away, only a thew more pushes left and she would have made it.

Kiune: A few - or 'threw' - pushes...what?

Link: I think it means she's close to coming.

Kiune: Then get on it, boy!

Dark: Kept her waiting long enough...

The quicksand slowly began to drag her body away from Link to finally ravage her but Link used all of his remaining strength in one final breath to stay inside Zelda until every last second.
Link screamed in pain and pleasure and this made Zelda come back and she yelled too finally feel the orgasmic waver of love wash over her body and for Link to feel that he did truly save Zelda till the end.

Ganondorf: That sentence just made my brain melt.*

Then as they lost all consciousness, the quicksand moved it...

Link: Moved...our consciousness?

Ganondorf: Waving it around, yelling, 'Guys, you lost this!'

...to have it's way with its victim but yelled in defeat...

Kiune: BLAAAAARRRGH!

...as it had lost the prize it so desperately wanted all along.

-----------------End of Dream---------------
Link opened his eyes and he panted erratically. Was that real or was it one crazy dream that his hormones had dreamt up with his feeling for Zelda intensifying to fever pitch.
Then Link turned to the clock to the wall and it read 11 o'clock.
"Holy goddess, 1 hour to go until midnight." thought Link.
Tatl came up and tinkled her alarm in Link's ear.
"Wake up Link. Time for preparing for battle." She cheered.

Kiune: 2-4-6-8, grab your 'sward' and don't be late!

Link shook the events of the dream behind him and looked silently at the moon outside the window.
He knew it could be his last battle but there was more than his life that was at stake, it was all the people of this world. As Link heard the noises of

Dark: hot steamy...

love next door from him, coming from Kafei and Anju's room, he then thought about Zelda.
"One day when I return." Link said to himself. "I will come to see you Zelda and tell you everything I fell."

Zelda: Please...please don't.

With that part done and out of his mind, the only thing he thought about as he drank the special Romani Milk to fill up his magic was the battle with the mask, Majora's Mask. He will not only fight for himself but also for all the people in this world and for a chance to see Zelda again.

----------------Back to Zelda----------------------
Zelda gasped as she opened her eyes.
"Oh my, was that all a dream?" she asked herself.
She touched her body all over and felt all strange inside.

Kiune: Hee hee hee...

She felt that the dream was real, the quicksand, the snake, the branch breaking and Link holding her, kissing her and loving her.
She looked down to her left hand to see the triforce glowing and she felt the presence of a lost soul that she loved was still alive and well, but she could detect that he was still in grave danger.

Dark: That's one expressive glowing triangle.

But she felt hopeless as there was nothing she could do about it.
Zelda leaned up from her bed and stared outside her window.
"Please goddesses, bring Link back to me." She said with her hands clenched over her aching heart. "I need Link, I love Link, because I would die without him.

Zelda: He's such a perfect sub!

Link: No, I'm not...

Zelda: Silence!

Link: ...anything you want, my princess.

Please bless him for a safe return."
And with that, Zelda felt sleepy as she was washed back to sleep. Hoping that her prays will be answered.

---------------Back to Link in Termina Clock town----------------
As he reached the clock tower and the clock stroke midnight...

Kiune: In a rhythmic up-and-down motion...

...Link walked up the stairs to a battle that would determine his destiny.

The End

Dark: I think I may be scarred for life.

Zelda: You think you are? You weren't the one channeling a python to seduce Skirt-Boy over there.

Link: It's. A. TUNIC!!! ...Kiune, get that upskirt-cam away from me!

Kiune: Hee hee hee...

Zelda: It's over, right? It's really over? It won't be back?

Ganondorf: You do know I'm going to make quicksand noises through your wall at night, right?

Kiune: BLARRGH!

The (other) End ...really.

----------------Except for our author's notes!!!------------------------------

Authors' Note: Our spell-checker accepts 'Scooby' but thinks 'Doo' is misspelled.

AN #2: This is a Zelda CD-I reference. If you don't get it... well, obviously you have more of a life than the authors.

AN#3: At this point. GuardianKiune would like it known that she has poured Skittles down her boobs. But she thinks bellybutton-Skittles are best.

AN#4: The moment of respect for Steve Irwin is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled pissing people off. (Also, Kiune still has a grudge against Steve for the time he pinned her down and called her a 'feisty lil' beaut!')

AN#5: The authors have a very funny inside joke related to 'surprise hiss.' It's too long to repeat here, but if you e-mail us, we'll tell you.

AN#6: GuardianKiune suggests really bad puns at this point concerning Ganondorf's last name: Dragmire. CraicRocker wants to know, How much of a fucking nerd do you have to be, to know Ganondorf's last name?

AN#7: GuardianKiune is giggling maniacally. See above.

AN#8: This is an homage to our inspirer, Kriiz. Read her MST, 'Foreset Passion' (yes, that's the correct spelling) to see how we got our start - and also just because it's damn funny.

AN#9: GuardianKiune's nipple tastes like butter.
[We came back to this comment when we were briefly sober and have no memory of adding this or what it was related to. However, it is safe to say that CraicRocker was not the one tasting Guardian's nipple. Go figure.]