To Forgive, Divine

I was surprised when I saw the ship. At first, I thought Canderous had lent Atton the Phoenix, Jennet’s wedding gift to him. But looking closer, I realized it wasn’t the same ship; the markings were slightly different. Then I saw Atton coming down the ramp, looking handsome in his Jedi robes, a bag slung across his chest. I approached hesitantly; his face gave me no clue what he was thinking, and I knew better than to try and intrude mentally. I’d get nothing but Pazzak strategy, and he’d be irritated I’d tried. He stopped at the end of the ramp when he saw me.

“Hello,” I said, trying for a light tone.

“Hi,” he said shortly.

“Where did you find another Falcon?” I asked, nodding at the ship. “Is it yours?”

“Yeah,” he said, and even his irritation with me couldn’t overshadow the pride of ownership. “Turns out the fool that died had two of them.”

“How fortunate for you,” I said, smiling at his enthusiasm. I recalled that Jennet had found the Phoenix at a used ship lot. The previous owner had died recently, heavily in debt, no doubt largely due to his taste in expensive playthings. “What’s her name?”

“Soul of the Sphinx,” he said.

The Phoenix’s full name was Soul of the Phoenix. Apparently the late and not very lamented former owner enjoyed mythological themes. Sphinx was a very good name for a ship belonging to Atton; the man could hide anything. I refrained from mentioning this, however.

“I wouldn’t have thought you could afford it,” I said, and could have bit my tongue.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he said tersely.

“I’m sure there is,” I answered as evenly as possible. “I think I know the important things, though.”

This wasn’t going at all as I would want it, and I couldn’t seem to make myself stop saying stupid things. Atton, on the other hand, seemed in no hurry to say anything helpful. Suddenly, I was simply fed up from feeling guilty, and sparing his feelings. I’d missed him horribly, and if he couldn’t believe that, well, screw him.

That I’d even thought it startled me. I’m not given to vulgar language.

He was looking at me silently, and I wanted to flinch at the hurt and anger in his eyes. Well, hell with it. I didn’t blame him but I’d be damned if I’d let it ruin the rest of my day. I thought briefly of what Annie might do, and almost grinned. Instead, I closed the short distance between us, grabbed double fistfuls of his robes, and yanked his mouth down to mine. I was short enough that he almost lost his balance, and grabbed at my waist to keep from falling over. I took shameless advantage of this and snuggled closer.

His lips were stiff and unresponsive for a long moment, and then I felt his arms wind around me, pulling me closer, and his mouth softened. I felt more than heard the groan deep in his throat. I was making more than a few incoherent noises myself and sincerely hoped no one was watching. Then his tongue touched mine and I stopped thinking at all. His hands moved slowly up my body until he was tenderly cradling my face. Mine were clinging to his shoulders, wanting to pull him even closer. All the pent up emotions in both of us rose up and drowned us in that one perfect moment.

Then suddenly, he set me away from him, and his face was thunderous, the dark brown eyes snapping fire.

“You think you can leave me, just sneak away without any warning, then come back and kiss me like that and everything’s okay now?” he said, and I wish he’d shouted; this low venom hurt far worse.

For the first time in my life, my mouth got me into huge trouble. I must have been channeling Annie, or maybe Jennet, it certainly wasn’t what I’d meant to say. But to my horror, what popped out was “Well, yes, that’s about right.”

It should have been funny; given the circumstances, it decidedly wasn’t. Atton looked at me for a long moment, and very quietly said, “I’m not sure I know you anymore. Or if I ever did.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, equally quietly. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve missed you so much, and I was horribly nervous about seeing you again. You have every right to be angry with me.”

“I’ve missed you too,” he said, and I could tell he meant it. “Every day since you left. But you didn’t have to miss me, and that’s the hell of it, isn’t it? You chose to go. I promised I wouldn’t leave you, ever. I didn’t count on you leaving me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you,” I said desperately. “I had to, don’t you understand? Kriea had said I couldn’t take anyone I loved with me.”

“Did it ever occur to you,” Atton said in a pleasantly reasonable tone, which I knew meant he was now beyond angry, “that the old hag lied?”

I stared at him, speechless. That was something I’d never considered, and I could have kicked myself. “No.” I said with difficulty.

“Well, it did to me. But you never gave me the opportunity to talk to you about it. You just made up your mind, drugged me, and took off. Great beginning for a relationship, sweetheart.” His voice was bitter and hard, and I flinched. “Well, the bitch got what she wanted, even from the grave. Her last breath was used to sow distrust between the good guys.”

“Please,” I said, and felt tears starting to fall. “Atton, please, can’t we talk about this? I’ve made a mistake, but…”

“I’m here,” he interrupted, very carefully. “That should tell you I want to talk. And I’ll be honest, that kiss makes me want to just forget everything else and start over. But I can’t forget you didn’t trust me enough to have at least asked me to stay behind.”

“I tried,” I said, and was suddenly furious. “And you told me not to ask such a thing of you. I believe the exact words were ‘I can’t leave you now; don’t ask me again.’ So who, exactly, was being unreasonable?” my voice was low and as close to snarling as it gets.

“Yeah, well I figured I’d have a day or so to bring up the possibility of Kriea lying. But no, you drugged me that very night, and I woke up to a goodbye on a holovid. You didn’t even bother to give me one personally, oh no, it was a group goodbye!”

“I DID leave you a personal one, you moron!” I was shouting now, and for an instant Atton looked shocked.

“Well excuse me for not finding it. Where did you leave it, on Onderon?” he was reduced to bitter sarcasm, but I was too angry to care.

“I put it in your credit pouch, idiot. The one thing I knew you wouldn’t lose.” I throttled my voice back to a contemptuous iciness. “I should have slipped it into your Pazzak deck.”

He glared at me, slipped the strap of his bag over his head, let it fall, and yanked his belt off. Sliding off his credit pouch, he upended it, credit discs spilling out and hitting the deck, bouncing all over. We looked down, and there, near my foot, was a holodisc. We stared at it for a good minute.

“Damned stupid place to leave it,” he said conversationally.

“I see that now,” I agreed. “I didn’t think you’d appreciate me leaving it with Bao Dur, though.”

“It might have been better that way,” he said, and bent to gather up his credits. I knelt too, grabbing the slippery things and handing them over. We silently stood. He replaced the pouch and refastened his belt.

“I’m still mad,” he said after a moment.

“I know.”

“You should have talked to me about it more.”

“Yes.”

“You shouldn’t have just left like that.”

“No.”

“It will take time to forgive you.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t know if we can just wipe the slate clean and start over.”

“I get that.”

“What,” he said exasperatedly, “The hell are you doing?”

“Groveling,” I said seriously.

“Well, you’re not good at it,” he grumbled. He paused, shaking his head. “Or maybe you’re too damn good at it.”

“I know,” I said cheerfully. “Did you miss me?”

“Every damn minute you were gone,” he said, and yanked me to him to kiss me senseless.

This time, he didn’t set me away. I was so happy I thought my heart would burst into a million pieces, and I kissed him with every bit of passion I’d stored in six months of miserable loneliness. He scooped me off the deck, his lips never leaving mine, and carried me into the Sphinx, leaving his bag forgotten on the ramp.

The Captain’s cabin was not far from the hatch, and he elbowed the door mechanism when we reached it, reluctant to put me down even for a moment. I had no argument with this and sighed happily, concentrating on devouring his tongue. I got a very satisfactory moan for that. As the door slid shut behind us, he set me carefully down on the edge of the bed, seating himself next to me. I don’t think his lips left mine for more than an instant through any of these maneuvers.

I was reaching for his belt when he suddenly grabbed my hands to stop me. I looked up, startled.

“Wait,” he said hoarsely, his dark eyes serious. “It’s not that I don’t want you.”

“Good to know,” I smiled.

“But…what did you say in your holovid?”

I shrugged. “Watch it; that’s easier than telling you.”

“Now?” he asked.

“I don’t think things will be right until you see it,” I said honestly. “Or at least, on their way to being right between us. It’s not that I don’t want you,” I echoed, and he smiled. “But I’d rather have you knowing you at least are beginning to forgive me, than in the heat of the moment and have things go bad later.”

“I think I’m already beginning to,” he said. “And was that you talking, or are you channeling Jennet?”

“I seem to be doing that a lot today,” I said ruefully. “Must be the company. You have the effect of making me crazy.”

“No more than you make me,” Atton said, and plugged in the holovid.

I retreated from the edge of the bed to the headboard as the holo began, wrapping my arms around my knees. I didn’t watch the screen, but Atton’s face. He stayed sitting on the foot of the bed, his back to me, so all I really could see was about a quarter of his profile, and only that because he had to turn his head slightly to see the computer.

“Atton,” I said, and unless he was utterly blind he must see the distress on my face. “I don’t know if you’ll forgive me, love, and I won’t blame you if you don’t. But you said it tonight; don’t ask you to stay behind when I go to find Revan. So I won’t ask; I tried that. This is the only way I can think of that you’ll let me go alone.

“I hope you’re watching this after your initial rage. I hope,” my mouth twisted into a wry smile, “there’s something left of the camp after you wake up and figure out I’m gone. But most of all, I hope you can eventually understand. I didn’t leave you behind because I didn’t think you could handle yourself, or get in the way. I trust you to take care of yourself, and me.

“I wish more than anything you could come with me. But when Kriea told me I couldn’t take anyone I loved when it was time to join Revan, I knew she meant it. I can’t be responsible for your death, or anyone else I love. I can’t let my own selfish need for you allow me to be persuaded that it will be all right. I know if I wait any longer, you will convince me to ignore Kriea’s warning. And even if it means I’ll lose you, I can’t live in a universe that doesn’t have you in it.

“I love you more than I’ve loved anyone. Believe that. You’ve made me want to live like I’ve never allowed myself to before. You’ve set me free, in a way I didn’t think possible. You are my heart, and my home, and I hope both will be there when I come back. I can live without a heart and a home, you know. What I can’t live with is knowing that it was my own need for you that killed you.

“I promise I’ll do everything in my power to come back to you. I love you, Atton. Please find it in yourself to forgive me.”

The screen went blank, and I still watched Atton’s profile. I’d seen absolutely nothing to indicate his feelings during the whole thing, and wanted to scream in frustration that he was so adept at hiding what’s going on in his head. But then, that was a particular talent of mine as well. I’d never considered that maybe he couldn’t read me either when I chose to be remote. I waited patiently for him to speak.

“Well,” he said heavily, “I can’t disagree with anything you said.”

“Care to clarify that?” I asked.

“I would have convinced you to ignore Kriea’s warning, for one,” he looked over at me, and smiled wryly. “And as you didn’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t leave you many options to leave without me.”

“True,” I said gently. “But I should have waited, and talked it over with you more. And given a few more days, yes, I would have let you convince me it was all right for you to come with me.”

“Should have, would have. We have a lot of those. I guess my last question is, would you have agreed with me, if I had had the chance to argue Kriea was lying?” he looked at me seriously.

“I would have believed you thought it was true,” I said carefully. “But no, I wouldn’t have agreed with it. At the time.”

“But you do now?” he asked, with a hint of a scowl.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Before I answer that, let me qualify something. When I faced Kriea at Malachor V, the bond I shared with her was still in effect. I could feel many things from her at the time, and her absolute sincerity of what she saw in the future was genuine. What took me some time to understand was that the reason she was so adept at lying was that either what she said was true, but twisted so that it seemed to have a different meaning, or that she had set up the lie so completely that over time she actually believed it was true. And occasionally, she was absolutely honest.” I looked at Atton seriously, and he nodded, indicating he was following my logic so far.

“So when I say I wouldn’t have agreed with you, it wasn’t because you didn’t have a point, or I trusted Kriea’s word over yours. It was because at the time, I had felt, directly from Kriea, that what she said was true. You hadn’t had that experience.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “I can see that. But what changed your mind?”

“When I found Revan, she had trapped her own identity in a mental prison, to keep the Sith from discovering whatever intelligence she had collected. She learned something important, something that the Sith don’t want Jedi to know,” I began, but Atton interrupted.

“What did she learn?” he asked with interest.

“I don’t know yet,” I answered, smiling. “Carth and I only managed to break through early this morning. We haven’t had time to catch up.”

“Okay. So what has this got to do with you changing your mind about Kriea?”

“I’m getting there. So, I finally found Revan, discover she’s completely unaware of who she is and why she’s a prisoner, and rescue her. I spent a week trying to break down her wall. I knew immediately that she had done it to herself; the amnesia bore the marks of a self-inflicted mind block. She was always good at that sort of thing.”

Atton nodded, having a fair amount of talent for that himself. His training as a Jedi hunter taught him many mental tricks; this was nothing new to him.

“What was the trigger?” he asked.

“I don’t know what it was that set the block,” I said thoughtfully. “But by the end of the week, I had figured out what the trigger was to lift it. Carth and I both had to be present.”

“I’ll ask you later how you figured that out. Clever, though. She picked the two people in the galaxy that would stop at nothing to find her,” he smiled in admiration.

I waited, knowing he’d piece it together in a moment, and I loved watching his mind work.

“But wait…” he said, thinking. “How did she know that you knew Carth? You didn’t meet him until you came…” his voice trailed off. “Revan sent you back?” He looked at me, surprised. “Kriea didn’t find you, it was Revan?”

“Exactly. Kriea was looking for me, yes. But she only took advantage of the situation when I came back to the Outer Rim. She altered my memories so I would think she was my rescuer.”

“And in realizing that, you concluded that most of what she had lead you to believe was a lie,” Atton finished. He whistled in admiration. “I have to give the old witch credit; that was masterful work.”

“Try being on the receiving end some time,” I said dryly.

“I have. Never comfortable,” he agreed.

“You have?” I asked, surprised.

“How do you think I learned it myself?” he asked seriously. “They meant business when they trained me. If I couldn’t recognize altered memories in myself, they would simply kill me to spare the trouble and expense of further training.”

“Can you do it to someone else?” I asked, interested.

“Sometimes,” he answered honestly. “I don’t, anymore, though.”

“Glad to hear it. Can you teach me to recognize altered memories better?”

“Yeah, I can. As much as you’ve been messed with the last couple of years, I’d feel a hell of a lot better if you trained up on it.”

“Me too,” I agreed. “Thanks.”

Atton gave me a small smile and a nod. We fell silent, and after a time Atton looked at me full on.

“So where are we now?” he asked softly.

“That depends on where you are,” I answered.

“Well,” he said thoughtfully. “I’m not mad anymore.”

“That’s a start,” I smiled.

“And I do understand, somewhat, why you left the way you did.”

“It was wrong,” I said quickly.

“Yeah, it was. But I can see that you did try to explain yourself. Bad luck that I never rummaged deep enough into my credit pouch. That was a really stupid place to leave the holodisc,” he scolded. “My pocket would have been better.”

“I know. But you didn’t have any pockets at the time,” I reminded him. It was true; I’d thrown a robe over him, one without pockets, I might add. He’d succumbed to the drugs while he was in bed with me.

“Fair point,” he allowed. “For an extremely intelligent woman, though, you did some really stupid things.”

“Yes,” I agreed.

“Is this groveling again?” he asked.

“Does it need to be?”

“Maybe,” he said thoughtfully, “If only for entertainment value.”

“Jerk,” I said, grinning.

“Sneak,” he grinned back.

“Look who’s talking, smuggler.”

“Ex-smuggler,” he corrected.

“If you say so,” I said skeptically.

“Hey,” he protested. “Jedi now, understand? I’m noble and self-sacrificing. I even bore myself with my goodness.”

“Atton,” I said seriously, “boring is not a word I could ever use to describe you.”

“That’s a relief,” he said sincerely. “Will you marry me?”

“What?!” I yelped. I don’t think I’ve ever yelped before; now here I was, yelping.

“Not the response I was looking for.”

“You haven’t forgiven me yet,” I said idiotically.

“I thought,” he said, scooting across the bed and leaning close, “I just did.”

This kiss was devoid of any anger, or mistrust. His lips ever so gently touched mine, not demanding, or searching, just moving softly and tasting me. It was the sweetest kiss I’d ever experienced, and I melted into a puddle.

“Oh,” I breathed as he pulled away and looked deep into my eyes.

“Is that a yes?” he asked, and I nodded, wordlessly.

“Good,” he said in satisfaction, and kissed me again.

Something of my brain crawled back to the surface, and I pushed him back a little, searching his face.

“Why?” I asked, and saw his dark eyes crinkle at the corners in a smile.

“Because I’d rather be crazy with you than without you,” he answered.

“This isn’t an impulse you’ll regret later, to keep me from running off again without you?” I hated to ask, but couldn’t help it; Atton does have a tendency to do things by pure instinct….oh.

He looked at me with amusement, not at all offended by my question, knowing I’d come up with the answer on my own. I think he enjoys watching my mind work as much as I love watching his.

“Your instinct is usually right,” I said softly. “And it tells you to marry me.”

“Got it in one, sweetheart,” he grinned, and swooped to capture my mouth with his own.

The fire ignited immediately, and I lost myself in its flames. It started at his mouth, and scorched its way down to the soles of my feet. I could feel it in him too; I was mildly surprised his robes weren’t smoking from the heat. Our mouths burned, but instead of pain, it brought sweet dizzy desire. I yanked at his belt, undoing it in swift jerky movements. It fell away, and his robes were loose under my hands. I started to slip them under the cloth, but he had his own on my belt, and pulled it away with short, almost savage movements. Then he was stroking bare flesh, and I whimpered with the intense pleasure of his touch. I plunged my own under his robes, wanting to feel his skin, warm and alive and quivering.

He scooted forward to keep his balance and gripped the shoulders of my robes, pulling down and I obligingly helped him shrug the heavy garment off. It ended up in a heap on the floor, followed shortly by Atton’s. I reveled in the beauty of his naked torso and shoulders, admiring the strong lines combined with smooth toned skin. I couldn’t resist running my hands over every inch of that broad chest, wide shoulders, long arms, following each stroke with kisses and tiny sharp nibbles. I smiled when I heard him sharply inhale when I hit a particularly sensitive spot, where his neck and shoulder meet. I concentrated my efforts there until he groaned and pulled away, eyes dark.

We were both still clad in breeches and boots; in addition, I still had on a workout bra. I briefly cursed myself for not thinking to wear anything prettier and recalled that Annie had chosen my clothes for me. It didn’t seem to matter; I could see Atton remembering the first time he’d seen me, clad in only standard issue non-lust inspiring underwear and still wanting me on the spot. I shivered as his thoughts were projected in his eyes, and started to pull the bra off. He stopped me, and just looked at me a moment. Then he slowly, so very slowly, reached out and tugged it up, drawing out the moment, forcing me to raise my arms over my head. Then it was gone, and his mouth was at my breasts, and thinking was no longer possible.

Somewhere in the middle of him worshiping my breasts, I started to pull the pins from my hair. The movement caused him to look up at what I was doing.

“No,” he breathed, “let me.”

I nodded, and he kissed me briefly on the mouth before plunging his hands into the mass of my hair. Those clever long fingers soon had the pins free, and the heavy dark red silk spilled down my back. It was even longer than it had been when I met him; almost as long as Annie’s. I kept meaning to cut it to a more manageable length, but the look in Atton’s eyes made me glad I hadn’t. He ran his hands through the softness, pulling the locks over my shoulders. Leaning forward, he rubbed his cheek against the silk of my hair where it fell over my left breast.

My fingers stole into his own dark locks, longer than usual, I noticed for the first time; it was long enough now that he’d pulled it back into a short ponytail at the nape. I tugged the thong holding it free, and his hair floated just above his shoulders. I pushed him back to see the effect and decided I liked it. He smiled, a little uncertainly.

“I kind of quit cutting it,” he said

“It grows fast,” I said admiringly, running my fingers through the dark brown locks. They had a slight wave, and were as soft and silky as my own, though not as thick. “I love it.”

“I thought about growing a beard,” he said a little breathlessly as I pulled him closer and started kneading his scalp, his cheek resting against the swell of my breasts. His arms went around my waist, and we took a minute to just touch, and feel each other again.

“Might be interesting,” I said, smiling over his shoulder. “I can’t picture it, though. And it would tickle when you kissed me.”

“Maybe I will then,” he said, and pulled back to kiss me with non-tickling lips.

“Not right away,” I gasped when we came up for air.

“Whatever you say,” he answered, and traced the line of my jaw with his tongue, sending shivers down my spine.

When he nipped my earlobe, I almost jumped out of my skin. His hands soothed my quivering flesh, and I found myself laying back against the pillows, his mouth setting me on fire again, slowly moving down my torso. Reaching my waist, he paused, and slipped smoothly, catlike, down to the foot of the bed, deftly pulling my boots off and removing my socks. He quickly removed his own footgear, then leaned over to gently nibble my toes and trace the arch of my foot with his tongue. I moaned, and he repeated the gesture with the other foot.

The initial all-consuming flame was still burning, but controlled now, and Atton seemed in no hurry; in fact, he was bent on drawing out every moment. I had no complaints, but wanted him closer. I started to scoot down to join him near the foot of the bed, but he stopped me by placing one big hand on my stomach; the other was kneading my right foot. Satisfied I wouldn’t move, he used both powerful hands to squeeze my foot, digging his thumbs into the muscle and rubbing away tension and soreness. He took his time about it, and gave equal attention to my left foot. By the time he stopped, I was practically purring with a combination of being utterly relaxed but completely aroused. I had no idea how he did it. I didn’t care.

My eyes were closed in bliss, but they opened when I felt his weight slide up the bed to lay along side me. His dark brown eyes were nearly black from desire and emotion. He reached for me, and we kissed, long and deep and full of longing. I wanted to feel every bit of his skin, and my hands were busy stroking and lightly running my nails down his back. He shivered and I smiled. His hand finally tugged at the waistband of my breeches, and soon I was free of clothing. Somehow, he’d managed to get his own pants off, and his hands…oh my gods, he knew just where to touch me. I bucked and squirmed and moved closer as he slowly, gently but insistently brought me to an even higher level of arousal. I wanted to burst out of my body, and my heart was beating so loud I could hear it thudding in my ears.

Then he was above me, eyes locked; he whispered “I love you,” and plunged into me. My back arched and I clung to his shoulders, gasping with the shock and pleasure of connection.

I wanted to say I loved him too, but I had no voice, only intense waves of pleasure crashing around me; all I could manage were small whimpering sounds. He grinned, seeing the words in my eyes, and moved slowly, making me move my hips to take him even deeper. But his weight pinned me down, and he had the control; he was refusing to go faster, and insisted on teasing me with slow, deliberate strokes that heightened my awareness with every move. I could feel our auras merge along with our bodies and could swear their light shone around us. Then my own power over him overcame both of us, and the controlled fire became a raging inferno.

I could feel his presence in my mind, and mine in his, thoughts roared between us, images ran uncontrolled through our heads. Our movements grew fast and frantic and demanding, power against power, and neither of us was stronger than the other. Our world shrank to the two of us, our own universe of desire and possession, give and take, demand and acceptance and sweet, burning submission. We rode the wave, as close as two people can be, mind and heart and body and soul. We reached the peak, rode it down, and climbed it again, helpless against its power. I never wanted it to stop, and neither did he. The pure joy of it drowned us, and we gulped every drop.

We finally washed up on the shore, spent and boneless from satisfied desire. There were no words; we didn’t need them. Everything we felt had been said in the middle of the storm, mind to mind, heart to heart. I was his now, absolutely, no barrier between us. And he was mine, gladly. My last thought as we crawled under the covers was I understood now what it was to love like Canderous and Jennet did, to be soul mates. There is no choice in it, but that doesn’t matter. I gave myself over to his keeping, and knew I was safe, and loved. His soul was in my hands, and I cradled it protectively.