Loser

Chapter 6: Point of no return.

Dax splashed out ahead of Jak, keeping to the low cover of scrub. He could hear the distinctive hoots of Lurkers farther ahead. Past the reeds and the water lay an island of dry land where the satellite waste facility was located. The Lurkers loved to hang out around the outflow pipes. Ew. Nasty critters.

He saw a flash of movement in the corner of his eye, and noticed Jak setting up a defensive stance behind a rock about twenty paces away. They met eyes and Jak made a meaningful gesture with his hand that Dax aught to have remembered but didn't. It was just on the tip of his tongue, so close he could almost feel it, but just not quite there. Dax frowned in frustration. They'd practiced this several times already, he shouldn't be blanking out.

Jak made the gesture again.

Sacrificing dignity for practicality, Dax mouthed, What? He repeated the gesture and then gave an exaggerated shrug of his shoulders.

Jak rolled his eyes, then used both hands to pantomime something incomprehensible and complex that apparently involved both of them doing different things. Oh yeah, that helped heaps.

There was another howl, with a warble and grunt at the end. If Dax spoke Lurker, he was sure it would have meant something to him. Maybe it was "there are two stupid elves hiding out in the mud. Let's all gang up on them while they get their act straight."

Jak changed his gesture to an impatient wave, Come here.

Dax nodded and bent over double, leaping from one peaty little island of reeds and scum to the next, trying to avoid the places where the water actually showed some current. Clouds of insects erupted from the grass with every step. It was a wonder that the Lurker's hadn't already caught on to their presence. He crouched behind Jak, "Sorry, I guess I don't have all these signs down yet. What was that again?"

"I'm going out straight to draw them out, you come in from the side. As soon as they break cover to attack me, you shoot them. I'll fall back two paces and open fire as well. You get into position first, then I'll go. Try not to shoot me."

"Ah yeah, yeah. Flank attack. Gotcha." Dax scrambled back to his original position, peeked up briefly over the reeds to spy his next objective, then moved as quickly and quietly as he could to a hillock on the left side.

What Dax wouldn't give for his ottsel nose about now. He would have been able to tell all kinds of things about the enemy: Where they were, how many, their genders, if any of them were sick or injured. All his elf-nose could pick up was a uniform swamp stench. It was like being flipping blind.

He found his position on a slightly higher hill. Crouching low, he let out a brief shrill whistle. He parted the grass to get a better view of the glistening plain between the wastewater facility and Jak's cover. A small flock of birds suddenly launched themselves noisily in the air, as if sensing the tension build. Dax steadied the muzzle of his rifle on a rock and peered into the sight. He flinched as a brisk breeze ruffled his hair from behind, carrying his smell down to the facility.

The Lurkers knew something was up. The tones of their howls went up a half octave, and even before Jak broke cover they had jumped down from various crevices in the machinery and started sniffing. There was a band of four of them, short-limbed, thick torsoed, wearing nothing but a simple flap of mud-brown cloth at their loins and a whole lot of bristly black hair. Dax saw the golden orbs half-buried in the center of each of their foreheads. His heart sped up in anticipation of danger, but his mind coolly noted they were armed primitively with spiked clubs and knives. It was almost unsporting.

As they hopped into the clear, Dax frowned. These Lurkers seemed a bit smaller than average, no more than Daxter's height, judging from where they came up to the massive intake pipe. Aw gee, no. They were kids. Stupid, curious, unlucky Lurker boys. They must have gone poking and exploring in some hole looking for adventure, and oh they found it all right. Dax wondered if their parents knew what they'd become, or if they'd simply gone out to play one morning and never returned.

Then Dax stopped himself from thinking about them, because he had to kill these guys, and being sympathetic only got in the way of that. They were already dead, the important part of them that is. These were just corpses being moved around like meat puppets. And anyway, Lurkers were a flipping scourge. Fast breeding, stupid creatures, constantly causing problems for Elf farmers.

Jak let out a shout and stepped out of cover. Instantly all their attention was on him. They puffed out their chests, beating it with fists and making themselves look as big as they could. Then they hunched and dashed forward with loping strides. Dax put his eye to the scope and picked the first off. The noise of Dax's rifle echoed around the marsh. More birds took flight. One of the Lurkers, noticing his comrade go down, immediately backtracked for cover. Dax got a site on him and squeezed the trigger. The other two were too driven by their orbs to worry about their own skins. Jak shot them both before they got a chance to swing their clubs at him.

The whole battle took less than 10 seconds to resolve.

"Clear!" called Jak, meaning that there were no more active orbs near by. He holstered his gun and brought out a knife, walking over to the first Lurker to prize the orb from his head. Dax stood up and slung his rifle back onto his back. Then made his way as directly as possible to where Jak was working, giving only sloppy attention to his footing.

He put his leg into a deep puddle and felt a buried stick jab him in the shin. Hissing, he stepped back, got himself onto dry land. With a muttered curse he limped his way over to where Jak was pocketing the orbs.

"Goddamn it. Hold a moment," said Dax, and fished into the side pocket of Jak's pack, where they usually kept health supplies, but it was empty. "Hey Jak, where's the eco."

"Out."

"What?" cried Dax, incredulous. "You mean we went out to fight Lurkers without first aid? Are you nuts. What would have happened if they'd landed a blow on us?"

"You can use white – it works too. I do it all the time." Jak fished into the pack and tossed Dax a blue dotted carton.

Ha, ha – sure it would heal him, and maybe he'd start smelling colors and seeing auras too, and boy that would make the hike back home fun. Uh no. Dax put it back into Jak's pack. "I'd rather stick with green. It's okay, just a scratch. I'm barely bleeding. I can last until we get into town. But seriously, Jak, how could you take us out hunting without the green stuff? That's just -- well, I'd say reckless, but everything we do is reckless. Stupid. That's the word."

Jak shrugged, but didn't meet his eye. "I forgot."

"You forgot to pack it?"

"Forgot I ran out."

Dax humphed. "You know what you need, buddy? A wife. Someone who makes sure you got your clean underwear on and a full health kit before you go into battle!"

"That's what you are for," said Jak, shouldering his pack, and incidentally turning his back on Dax.

Ouch! "Yeah, yeah," he admitted wryly. "I'm your ugly-ass wife. Well, I sure crapped out on that duty today."

Jak looked over his shoulder sympathetically at him. "You shouldn't put yourself down so much."

"Yeah I should," said Dax. "You are right. It is my job, making sure you are okay." Dax rubbed his face with grimy hands. "But damn it, Jak, I know I've been flaking out on you, but you need to be able to take care of yourself without me. You can't go out in the field unprepared like this. It's suicide. And I don't know what I'd do if you got yourself killed."

"Sorry," said Jak, sounding suitably chastened.

"I worry about you, bud."

Jak grunted and got stony faced. Typical.

Dax fished a cloth for gun cleaning out of his own pack and used it as a makeshift bandage. Inwardly he tried to calm himself. The scrape was really nothing, and this was a minor metalhead hunt. He'd just have to make sure that Jak was properly equipped before he went off to work.

Jak was broodier than normal on the way back to the zoomer, even after Dax relented. Probably kicking himself for letting Dax walk around with a scratch. Typical Jak – overprotective at the most ridiculous times.

"Hey," said Dax, softly, as he heard Jak sigh. "It's really nothing Jak. Minor injury, not even worth thinking about. Hell, I get worse than this on the job site all the time."

Jak nodded, but the brood didn't go off his face. If anything it deepened. He sighed again.

"Okay," said Dax. "What is it? Seriously, man, it drives me nuts when you won't let me in on your little world of pain. How the hell am I supposed to do my wifely duty and solve your problems if you won't tell me what they are?"

"I heard a rumor."

And that was the sound of the world coming to a halt. That rumor. Yeah. Great, all this "wife" talk was probably making Jak feel uncomfortable. Dax smacked his face. "Yeah, about that, Jak. It's not true. I assure you."

"Then you and Torn…?"

Dax tsked. "Really, Jak. He's got all those facial tattoos and dreads. Ew. If I don't swoon over Ashelin, I'm sure as hell not going to be sleeping with Torn." Dax gave Jak his most I'm-being-honest-here look. "Really though, you know me and my lewd mouth, it was just an innocent crude phrase taken entirely out of context." Lies, lies, lies. But there was no way Dax was going to tell Jak what was really going on. The memory made Dax blush. "Er… out of curiosity, where exactly did you hear this rumor."

"Around."

"Ya think maybe Tess heard it."

"Possibly."

"Ah." Supercrap. "Well I damn well hope that this is causing Torn as much problems as it is me. Tell me, is he pissed off? Because I sure hope he is."

Jak smiled. Oh goody -- now he was happy. "Not appreciably."

The lock that let them back into the city was just up ahead. Dax stared at the impressively thick steel with unseeing eyes. "I should go see Tess. I've put it off too long. We are strained enough without her thinking I've gone gay, too."

Jak took his hand away from the scanner. "Okay." The gloom was back in on him, and he didn't meet Dax's eye.

This time Dax didn't really care. He had bigger problems to worry about. Jak should be happy enough, because, honestly, scratch and all it had been a really good day. They'd been the old team again, fighting the good fight and bringing home the orbs. Dax had forgotten what a thrill it was to go into the field and take down some metalheads. It was him and Jak against the world and they'd won again. A good day capping a pretty good week (that whole thing with Torn aside) capping a not that bad month.

But it was all at the expense of Tess. Dax wasn't so stupid as to not know that if you give a girl the silent treatment for long enough, she stops being your girl. It just was so easy not to think about that scene. And every time he could put it off, he had. It might already be too late to resurrect what they had.

But no, that was the old Dax thinking. That was Loser Dax, and he was done with being Loser Dax. He was going to start taking charge. Facing his destiny. Hell, yeah.

Dax through his leg over the side of the zoomer and shifted his weight until he was snug up against Jak's back. He felt the vehicle shudder and shifted balance as it rose into the air and then took a sudden tight right. Vaguely, he realized that Jak was actually driving the same speed as traffic for once. Dax didn't really think about the reasons for that. He was just grateful it gave him more time to come up with some way to prove to Tess that she'd be better off an elf, so that they could get on with their relationship – finally.

Dax walked into Tess's shop his mind abuzz, muscles twitch-tight ready for a verbal duke out. And the first thing he saw was Tess standing behind the never used reception desk. Standing, on two feet, leaning forward on her long, tan, naked elven arms.

She was an elf. Oh makers.

"Oh," she said. There was a slight pause before she was able the rest of her sentence out. "Hi, Dax. What can I do you for?" It almost sounded casual. She wasn't meeting his eyes.

Dax couldn't say anything for what seemed like an eon. All the arguments he'd been searching for, all the worry, all the procrastinating and it had all turned out to be moot. Tess apparently decided to change without his help. It was so … relieving but oddly anticlimactic.

Meanwhile, oh hubba. He stared, taking in her bare shoulders and the strap of her halter top. He noticed her pointed chin, her eyes --wide with surprise and guilt -- the flow of blonde hair around her neck, the curve of her bosom. He'd forgotten how pretty she was. As an ottsel she'd been adorable, but like this, like this…so beautiful.

So lovely it almost didn't matter that no one had bothered to tell him. Almost.

"When did you change your mind?" A twinge of worry set up in his stomach. He couldn't put his mind on it yet, but something seemed wrong about this happy picture.

Tess bit her lip guiltily and her eyes dipped down to stare at Dax's chest. "Two weeks ago."

Two weeks. Not that long then. Dax felt numb. Only two weeks that no one thought I'd care to know.

"You were right," said Tess to his unspoken why?. "I was being stupid. It just doesn't make any sense to be the only Precursor in town. Their time came and went and I'm really not much of a figurehead," she coughed out a self-depreciating laugh which ended with a roll of her shoulder. "And it was getting in the way of my work, and my life. I just needed some time to think things over and figure out where I stood. And I guess, I realized I was standing in a pretty silly place." Tears dropped down her cheeks. "So, I guess you can say I told you so."

Dax ached. "Aw, Tess, babe. I'd never do that. Ever."

"No, you wouldn't." Tess smiled painfully.

The door rattled and Tess looked beyond Dax's shoulder. "Hi Jak." Dax could feel Jak's presence behind him, but he didn't turn to look. Tess wiped her wet eyes with the back of her bare arm, then seemed to mash her face into more professional demeanor. "So what do you guys need? More ammo?"

"Actually," said Dax, not letting the conversation be switched. "I was kinda hoping I could take you out for dinner or a beer or … something. A walk?"

Tess's eyes shifted from Dax to Jak and back, her smile fell. "I – now's not good. Maybe later, though."

"Okay," said Dax, feeling let down.

So, that was it. Everything he wanted, he'd got. And yet, the problems, the distance, it was all still there. No, they were worse. He could see it in Tess's discomfort, the way she unconsciously crossed her arms over her chest, as if to hide her cleavage. This wasn't just chagrin over not telling him of her change. That they could laugh off, forgive and forget. She wanted to end this conversation and him to leave. Why?

No. No. He wasn't going to just let this lie. He was going to man up and fight for this. He'd girded himself up for a hash out and by golly he was gonna have it.

But she was paying more attention to Jak than him right now, and that just wasn't going to work. The big guy needed to butt out and go somewhere else.

"Hey, Jak," he said, not really looking at his friend. "Why don't you go on in and get some green stuff and more rifle rounds. Lots of green, no more stinginess."

Jak grunted, giving the two of them a sheepish look, then walked into the shop proper, leaving Dax alone with Tess for the first time in months.

"Tess, babe. You look… beautiful." Dax breathed the word. He felt warmth towards her.

"Thanks, Dax. You don't look bad yourself."

"Women can't resist a sharp dressed guy," said Dax, falling back on bullshit and bravado to mask his own nervousness. Wet, dirty cammo had a kind of a macho allure to it. Sure, he could tell himself that.

Tess smiled, but it was a brittle, you-caught-me kind of smile rather than an easy going one. "I'm sorry about how I treated you last time. And I probably should have come to see you right away when I changed, so… sorry."

"Hey, you know who should have told me? Jak." And why hadn't Jak told him? Dax felt a sharp stab of annoyance towards his pal. "But it doesn't matter to me, Tess. I just want us to be happy together."

"I'm sorry, Dax. I can't do it." Just like that – the façade came down. Even though it was small, her voice seemed to echo around the room. Or maybe it was just echoing around Dax's head.

"What do you mean, you can't do what?" Dax heard a high tinny whine start up in one ear. His stomach clenched.

Tess covered her eyes with her hand and turned her head away. He could tell she was starting to cry. "I can't go through it again. It's not going to work."

"What, what isn't going work?"

"Dating."

She's dumping me. She can't be. It was going fine! Dax shook his head, trying to slam down the sudden anger that boiled up in his belly, because getting angry wouldn't change anything. He needed to focus. He needed to fight smart, find that reason that would make this all go away. Now would be a really good time for him to figure it out.

"Did I blow it? What did I do? What happened? I haven't even been around you? Why?" He bit his tongue to stop babbling. It hurt like hell, and he tasted blood, but it stopped him short of going ballistic.

"Nothing happened, Dax!" snapped Tess, miserably. "Nothing. That's the point."

"But that makes no sense," said Dax. "What does that mean, 'nothing happened'? You are an elf again and I'm an elf and we don't have to worry about having a litter. That's a huge something. The problem's solved."

This time it was Tess's turn to be confused. "What? No. I mean, back when we were both ottsels I thought I had a chance with you, but it didn't work out. We were the only two of our species left on the planet, and we couldn't even live together. And it's not going to work out now because if anything it's worse."

"What's worse? Am I ugly? Is that what you are trying to say? You don't like me cause I'm not big and beefy like Mitch?" The blood was draining from his face. He felt nauseated.

Tess's face crumpled. "Oh, Dax, this has nothing to do with Mitch, it's Jak that's the problem."

"You are dumping me for Jak?" Dax felt dizzy. The world made no sense.

"NO!" Tess yelled. Then quieted down again in the stunned silence that followed. "I can't do it, Dax. Maybe I'm just being selfish but I can't always come in a distant second."

"Second to who?"

"Second to Jak." She was crying, her words came in awkward short hitches. "He needs you. And we all need him. And I can't compete with that. I tried. I lost. While we were both ottsels I could pretend that maybe, one day, things would change and it would be you and me. But it won't. You were always Jak's. You'll always be Jak's."

Dax had been prepared for the accusation about Torn, but not Jak. Where the hell was this coming from? "Aw, Tess, no. Jak's just a friend, Tess. That's all. Give me a chance to prove it."

"Really," there was a fierceness in Tess's eyes that scared Dax. "Then tell me. Be honest. Are you sleeping with Jak?"

"I have never cheated on you," said Dax putting every ounce of sincerity and conviction in his voice.

"I didn't ask if you had sex with him," said Tess. "I asked if you slept in his bed."

Dax couldn't say anything for just a moment too long for a lie to work. "Who said anything about us sleeping together."

"That's it," said Tess slouching forward. She seemed defeated by her own argument. "You've always slept with him. I know what your apartment is like, Dax, there's no room for you not to be sleeping with him."

"He sleeps badly when I'm not there."

"I know. I used to live with you. I remember really well. But, Dax, that's not going to change, don't you see?" Tess's eyes spilled over again. "You are going to work all day with Jak, and then go play some after work with him, and when you both are tired enough you are going to go to bed together. And when will it be my time with you?"

Dax's throat dried up.

Tess went on: "Sure we can have a dinner every now and then. Steal an hour here and there when Jak's too busy to need you. But what future is there for me in that? Don't I deserve someone I can spend time with? Live with? Sleep with?"

Dax had nothing to say to that.

"Like I said: Maybe I'm just selfish, but I want to come first. I want someone I can build a future with. And we both know I can't do that with you. Because Jak needs you. He'll always need you. And he's first."

Dax blinked hard. He wanted to argue with her, but she was right. Oh Makers, she was right. "Babe, Jak can learn to get on without me." But there was no conviction in his voice this time.

Tess's voice lowered to a conspiratorial hush. "Maybe, if he was someone else. Yeah. But he's not. Dax, you and I know he's a nice guy, but the only reason he is a nice guy is because there are people like you and me supporting him, giving him a reason not to give in to the monster. If we were to turn our backs on him – " her voice cut out.

It was a hell of a scary thought. They'd both seen pissed off Jak in action. Dax shuddered. But so far that deadly ire had always been trained at the bad guys, never at ordinary people or his friends. So far.

"Jak has way more self control than that," insisted Dax. "He would never."

"Never? Are you crazy? He already has -- I've seen it myself. He took down not one, but two governments, because the guys in charge pissed him off. Sure they weren't great leaders, but they were no worse than the other aristocrats out there. He's taken down massive battle robots – solo! Dax, you know better than anyone how dangerous he can be. People like you and me and Torn and Ashelin, we are his reason not let all this power drive him insane."

"You are saying that I need to handle him. I need to give up on love so I can be there for him every time he needs me?"

"Dax."

"Why me?" groused Dax, more to the universe than to Tess. "Why can't it be someone else?"

"Because he loves you. He's always loved you. And, babe, I know you love him, too, or we would have been together back when we were ottsels. Daxxy, sweety. I know you care about me, but push came to shove, and he won. And I'm just so tired, so very tired, of trying to put myself in the middle of that. I love you, babe – but not that much."

Dax felt no words. In a way it was worse that when he'd first turned into an Elf. Then it only seemed like she was dumping him. Now she unequivocally had. And he couldn't argue with her because painful or not, she'd been speaking the truth. It wasn't fair to her. It had never been fair. Jak did come first. He didn't want to give up Tess, but he couldn't give up Jak. Jak needed him. And he loved Jak.

"I want to be friends," said Tess, lamely.

Suddenly, Dax just couldn't be there. It was too gut wrenching. What tiny bit of dignity was left to him would be stripped away if he started bawling in front of her.

"Yeah. Tess – tell Jak I went home." Dax turned and walked out the door, into the darkened street. His leg throbbed to the raggedness of his breath.

Later, much later than he expected, Dax looked up as Jak opened the door. The apartment was dark, Jak stood in silhouette against the stair light. Although Dax couldn't see Jak's eyes he knew the guy had spotted him huddled in the dark on the couch.

"I'm sorry," said Jak.

"Not your fault, man." Dax replied back. "It's okay. Other fish in the sea." There weren't. There never would be. It wasn't as if he had admirers banging at his door to begin with, but even if he could get another girl to look his way twice, he'd just face another situation like he had with Tess. It wasn't worth the bother. Torn propositioning him was probably as close as he'd get to being laid in this lifetime.

Jak didn't challenge his words. Not that Dax really expected him to, if there was one thing the two of them had down to an art, it was issue avoidance. There just wasn't a reason to go poking the problem, especially when there wasn't any solution to it. The easy way out had served them well in the past, why not now?

Instead Jak flipped on the lights, as if there were no significance to the darkness Dax had been moping in. Without bothering to look at Dax, Jak placed his sacks of ammo and groceries on the counter and began dinner, like nothing at all had happened.

For some reason this irritated Dax more than he could express. He didn't want the subject to disappear. He needed to poke it further. Get it all out in the open for once in their lives. No two ways about it, they needed to stop fucking up each other's relationships, whatever that took.

"You know, Jak," said Dax, biting the bullet. "Just because I struck out doesn't mean you gotta take a vow of celibacy, too."

Jak turned his head and frowned at Dax. "What?"

"If you want me to clear out for the evening so you can bring a girl home, you just let me know. I don't mind. There's a guy at work who will let me crash on his couch." There wasn't. But there might be, if Dax asked. Or Tess might be willing to put him up just as a friend. And worst came to worst, he could always crash on the job site for the night.

Jak shook his head and turned back to chopping celery. "That's okay. I don't need you to do that."

"But you will at some point. I was thinking, also, that you know, now that I'm bringing in some money, we can also start looking for a bigger place. An extra room. Hell my connections with construction will get us to the top of the list."

"I like this apartment." Though he didn't turn again, Dax could hear the warning growl in Jak's voice. "I don't feel like dating. It's not an issue."

Just say it, just say it. "It's just that you seem a bit tense and a girl might --"

"-- Could you stock my backpack Dax? I got the extra green eco you insisted on."

It was clear a dismissal of the subject, and Dax felt almost glad for it. Torn couldn't complain now. He'd tried. Maybe one day Jak would take up his offer and it would solve some future dancing around the subject. Dax got up off the couch and grabbed the sack of ammo and eco and spent the next few minutes doing his wifely duty and making sure Jak had what he needed for the next morning's fight.

Dax woke up with the thin morning sun shining through the bedroom window and Jak's body pressed up against his back. This was no different from the way he'd woken the day before, and the day before that, all the way back to the morning after Light's midnight appearance. That morning, Jak had woken to discover himself wrapped around Dax and simply taken it as a given that it was now an acceptable part of their friendship. Dax couldn't say otherwise without tipping Jak off that Light had visited him and opening that whole emotional can of worms. In the end it was just easier to let Jak spoon if that was what it took to keep Light content.

No wonder Tess had dumped him. Even if he and Jak weren't lovers in the strictest sense of the word, they were sure acted like they were.

Wait a second. Dax stiffened as the pieces clicked together. Light! That manipulative bastard. He knew. Light knew that Tess was an Elf. Light knew that Dax would want to date her, maybe move in with her. Start a life -- leave Jak. Dax should have realized that from the start. Light needing a cuddle down? Light the smug, cool alien persona, needing a Dark style snuggle?

No, Light just needed to tighten the emotional tether, make sure Dax couldn't go anywhere without a massive guilt trip. And I promised him. I promised I wouldn't abandon Jak.

The amnesia didn't go both ways. Light new everything Jak did, he knew Jak's thoughts, his worries, his wants. Light wouldn't want to spoon, but Jak –

It was absurd. Ridiculous. Jak liked girls – he had them by the handful. Girl a week, pick em up and drop em. They came and went, like Ashelin, who had given up because Jak preferred to race cars with Dax. And Keira, who had accused Jak of liking Dax better. Everyone seemed to think they had some kind of thing going. Even the guys at work and they hadn't ever seen him with Jak.

Am I really this oblivious? Dax fist tightened on the sheets. Has Jak really wanted me all this time? Even as an ottsel? Impossible! He would have told me something, indicated it some way. Jak shifted behind him, nestling in, his hand sliding from Dax's waist to his hip. Dax could feel Jak's breath warm against the back of his ear.

Jak will never make the first move. That's what Torn said.

So Light made it for him. So Torn made it for him. So Tess made it for him.

So I gotta make it for him. I gotta let him know it's okay.

Jak was still asleep, but Dax could feel him, pressed against his back. He was warm, and smooth, and hard. Not like Tess at all. Not like being cuddled by a pillow, more like being wrapped up in something strong and terrifying. A force of nature. So much power. The hand that curled loosely over Dax's hip could tighten and then Dax would be caught.

But Jak wasn't going to make the first move. The trap would never spring until –

Do I want this?

It wasn't an easy question. The obvious answer was "no." Jak was a guy, and Dax wasn't gay, but it wasn't as simple as that. Even as a guy, Jak was handsome. Sure he didn't have bosoms, but what he did have, looked good.

But there was more to it than that, the inside of Jak was perfect. They fit. If ever there was a guy Dax would do it with, it would be him. But Dax had always framed the situation with himself being the one being hard, and someone else yielding to him. He never considered the option of being held, pressed, taken, controlled by someone much more powerful than himself. To trust that the other wouldn't hurt him when he could, oh so easily. Because it wouldn't be equal. It couldn't be equal. Not with Jak.

Scary – but not too scary. Not when Dax thought about it. Not beyond the pale scary and actually not all that different from how they always related. From the time they were kids, Jak wanted and Dax did. Jak decided to explore Mist island and Dax agreed. Jak pushed and Dax followed along, even when he was scared shitless, even when he knew better. Dax had dedicated his life to Jak – freely. He wanted Tess but he wanted Jak more. Jak came first.

Put that way, sex seemed the logical next step.

But oh such a risk. Because this wasn't just the freaking tension relief that Torn seemed to think it was. This wasn't just a typical dangerous cliff or metalhead fight. This was messing with the fundamentals of their relationship, changing the rules that kept everything copasetic. And right or wrong it would twist them off into a new direction, one that they could never come back from.

Do I want this? Do I really want this?

Why fight it? thought a tiny selfish part of Dax, I'm not going to get laid any other way. It was enough, just barely, to tip the scales.

He made a small movement, just a token, but still easily the most terrifying thing that Dax had ever done in his life. He pressed back, just a little, into the solidity of his sleeping friend. Part of him prayed that Jak wouldn't notice, wouldn't wake up, because once this ball got rolling it wouldn't stop.

Terrifying, but also exciting. Thrilling.

Jak's hand tightened, and Dax felt him press closer. There was a change in Jak's breathing, and he knew Jak was awake. Dax could smell the sudden sharpening of Jak's interest, could feel it pulsing hotly against his thigh. Are you sure about this Jak seemed to broadcast.

So Torn was right after all. It was actually shocking. Still, Dax'd come this far, he wasn't going to chicken out now. He closed his eyes and pressed back again, deliberately rubbing against that hardness in a way that was unmistakably provocative.

That was it. Permission given, there was no taking it back now. And nevermind Jak, his own body was alarmingly eager about the whole thing, as if he'd been bottling up a lifetimes worth of sexual tension and he'd finally gotten around to popping the cork. A thrill ran up Dax's stomach as Jak's hand slid forward off his hip and closed around his erection, exploring the length and hardness through the thin fabric of his pajamas. Dax could barely breathe past the tightness in his chest. He was so terribly horny and so very, very much in the moment that every gentle brush of Jak's fingers seemed enormous.

Jak kissed his shoulder, then with terrifying ease rolled Dax over to face him, so that their mouths could meet. Dax kissed back. He'd never kissed anyone before, and his mind was filled with the texture of Jak's goatee, the pressure, warmth. The kisses were everything he'd come to expect from Jak, demanding, hard, insistent, there was nothing to do but go with them, follow their lead. Dax's chest felt so tight he could barely catch his breath, his hands trembled as he touched Jak's arm.

Jak undulated against him, pressing his erection against Dax's groin, and Dax couldn't breathe at all. It felt good. It was hot. Exciting. Jak's hands were everywhere, and it was all Dax could do to find Jak's shoulders and hold on.

They rolled, or rather Jak rolled him, because to trying to do anything but be passive would mean fighting Jak, and Jak wasn't yielding an inch. You lie this way, those hands seemed to say. Dax lay the way he was told, on his side, facing the wall. Then he felt Jak's hands on his pajama bottoms, pulling them down. Dax's fear/excitement crept up another notch. Jak's hands were sliding between his legs, and he could feel their roughness and that just heightened his own vulnerability. So scary, so good.

Dax grabbed himself because he had to at that point. He was beyond hard, and his balls actually ached. Then he felt Jak thrust behind him, sliding neatly into the crevice where his buttocks met his thighs.

For the briefest, petrifying second Dax thought Jak meant to penetrate him completely unprepared. He tensed all over in anticipation of pain, but the angle was all wrong. Instead of breeching him, he felt Jak's cock slide lower, brushing past his anus, along his peritoneum, poking the back of his balls with a painful-pleasureable jab. He felt Jak's hand pressing down on his thigh, forcing his legs tighter together.

Relief from fear felt like a drug. He's just going to thigh-fuck me, that's all, Dax thought. He was keenly aware of just how erogenous the entire area was. The force Jak used was just short of bruising, and had a kind of frantic quality to it, like if he didn't get to it now Dax might change his mind and take this away from him.

As if I could. As if I would.

Dax felt his thighs grow suddenly wet, not too bad at first, but then sopping with each subsequent thrust. His mind buzzed with the knowledge that Jak had just come on him. It was over, just like that.

But it wasn’t, because Jak reached around and pulled him close, worming his hand beneath Dax's, joining him in stroking. He was being jacked by Jak, and the thought gave him a nervous laugh. And then it was just too much. Dax bucked and the friction began a runaway reaction that lead inevitably to orgasm. The pleasure of it was more than his mind could take. For more heartbeats than Dax could count, he was lost. Utterly stripped down to the core and beaten senseless in the best possible way.

So this was what sex was like. It was good. Better than good. It was fantastic. Intense, addictive, and wrong. Oh golly, it was totally fucked up.

For a moment they lay there, messy, entangled. Jak's cock, warm and soft and sticky, still wedged between his aching thighs. He could feel Jak's arm tighten like a bar across his chest. Evidence of their deed was scattered in fat dollops across the sheets and smeared over his legs. The smell was appalling.

What the hell have I done, thought Dax.

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A/N: And we've finally gotten to the sex. Took bloody long enough, no?

Thank you all for reading and commenting! Two more chapters to go and this will be done.