Balance Beam

Chapter 4: Pornographic Lies

Lesbian porn has lied to me, Daxter thought bitterly as he sat, watching Tess paint Keira's toenails with glittery blue nail polish. I feel cheated. Tess is smoking hot and Keira's a total babe if you don't think about it too hard – law of pornography says that they should be making out! Not talking about cars and guns and whatever. It's like being in the garage at Spargus, only less Kleiver and more sexy. Just not porn sexy. Daxter rested his chin on his knees and looked down at his own toes, which Tess had painted a bright, glittery purple. It was one thing Daxter had learned about his blonde bombshell – she loved her some glittery nail polish.

“What's the matter Daxxie?” Tess looking up from Keira's toes. “You've been really quiet!”

“I feel cheated,” Daxter said sulkily. Not even Tess's skimpy pink tank top and short shorts could make him feel better. While all that skin was nice to look at, the distinct lack of lesbian make outs almost made Daxter not want to ogle. Almost, anyway.

Keira tilted her head. “What about? If it's about your tits again, I'm throwing something at you.” She reached threateningly for Tess's fluffy pink slipper, left abandoned when Keira had painted Tess's toenails a glittery (of course) pink.

Daxter held up his hands. “While I'm still pissed off about not getting a decent sized rack, that's not my issue here. Lesbian porn lied to me!”

Keira blinked at him and lowered the slipper. “What?”

“Where's the naked giggly pillow fights that lead to hot make outs? The giggling about boys and what so and so is like in bed?!”

Tess glanced at Keira, amused. “Sorry, Daxxie... but this is pretty much what Keira and I do on our sleepovers. We give each other pedicures, watch movies, and talk about guns and cars.” Tess smiled at Daxter apologetically.

“And, to be fair, Daxter, you were watching porn. It's not exactly realistic, you know?”

“You wouldn't understand.” Daxter sighed heavily and got to his feet. “I need to take a piss.”

“Just remember you can't do that standing up anymore!” Keira called after him, and Daxter flipped her off before closing the door on her giggles.

Daxter grumbled as he shoved down his shorts and plunked down on the toilet. Stupid girl body. Stupid Keira and Tess for not being hot lesbians. Stupid Jak for going off to do a mission for Tattooed Wonder without Daxter. Stupid self for missing Jak as badly as he did. It was weird, being without Jak. It always felt like Daxter was missing a piece of himself when Jak wasn't around. Those two years when Jak was imprisoned were like hell, but four years spent on a guy's shoulder, spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with him, sharing his food and drink – it only made sense that Daxter was kind of attached right? It was natural for him to miss Jak when Jak was off by himself getting into Precursors only knew what kind of trouble without Daxter there to remind him to heal himself, or to make him laugh when it starts to look bad and metal heads are coming out of the floors and down the walls. Stupid Jak, going off on his own because his idiot hero gene. He probably got it from Damas.

Daxter glared down at the books Tess had in a little basket and blinked. Why did she have pictures of Jak in there? Daxter blinked again and reached down. Those weren't pictures of Jak, they were book covers! Daxter picked up a book for a better look at the cover. It was a picture of a man and a woman, the woman incredibly stacked and with the top of her dress just shy of falling off as she swooned in the muscular arms of the man. One or two details were different (like the complete lack of Jak's scars, the missing goatee and the same long hair he had when Daxter first broke him out of prison) but it was most definitely supposed to be Jak. Daxter glanced at the title, running his fingers over the embossed gold lettering. “'The Pirate's Captive'? It's a romance novel?” Daxter dug through the other books. Jak in a billowy shirt and tight pants, Jak in sinfully low unbuttoned jeans, Jak in his racing gear, Jak in a loin cloth and his eco ring harness.... and to go along with the pictures were bizarre titles like 'The Prince's Bride', 'Dark Affair', 'Shifting Gears' and 'Wastelander's Lady'. Daxter bit his lip, muffling his giggles. Oh this was rich! People were writing romance novels about Jak! Or, at least, Jak was being used for the covers, anyway.

The real question, though, was why did Tess have them? And so many? They couldn't actually be good, so... Maybe Tessykins has a weakness for bad romance novels? Daxter thought to himself as he finished his business and washed his hands, But every single one of them has a Jak-wannabe on the cover! Daxter frowned in thought, absently taking in the two toothbrushes in the holder on the sink, and the two different color towels reflected in the mirror. There were also two bathrobes hanging behind the door, too, one a fluffy pale pink to match Tess's slippers, and the other a plain, dark green that Daxter recognized as being Keira's. I wonder why Keira's got so much stuff here? Another question for the pile, I guess. Daxter gathered up a bunch of the books and padded back out into Tess's bedroom. “Hey Keira?”

“Hm?” She glanced up at him. “What's up Daxter?”

“Why do you have so much stuff here?”

Keira blinked at him. “Um....”

Tess giggled. “Keira sleeps over a lot, Daxxie. It just was easier for her to end up leaving stuff here to use instead of packing a bag every time.”

Daxter frowned. “But why would you sleep over so much?”

“Because we're friends, maybe? Why did you sleep over Jak's so much growing up?”

“Because my house was drafty and leaky and Jak's bed was warmer.” Daxter said bluntly.

Tess and Keira blinked at him, Keira looking a little stunned. “Oh. I-Daxter...”

“SO!” Daxter's sudden outburst startled Tess and Keira out of their gaping. “Who wants to explain what these are?” He asked cheerfully, dropping the books next to Tess and Keira.

Tess blinked. “Oh, those. They're romance novels, Daxxie! You knew I like to read them.”

“Yes, I can tell they're romance novels from the titles – they look awful, by the way – but I am talking more about the obvious rip-offs of Jak on every cover!”

Tess giggled. “Oh that. Keira and I found them and thought they were hilarious, so we collect them and swap.”

Daxter turned to Keira stunned. “You read this shit, Keira? You?”

Keira looked completely panicked. “You can't tell Jak, Daxter! You absolutely can't!”

“What, that you actually like things that can be considered 'girly'? Jak wouldn't care-”

Keira took up Tess's slipper again. “If you tell Jak I read romance novels with him on the cover I'll brain you, Daxter! I mean it! Don't make me get my tool belt!”

Daxter squeaked and ducked behind Tess, wrapping his arms around her from behind and poking his head out over Tess' shoulder. “Okay okay, I won't tell Jak! Geez, you're scary....”

Keira huffed. “Whatever...”

Tess giggled. “Don't worry Keira, Daxxie promised not to tell! And you'd be surprised about some of those books, Daxxie. A lot of them are really good!”

“Oh yes, because something called The Prince's Bride is bound to be chock full of literary brilliance,” Daxter eased out from behind Tess and picked up one of the books.

“Like you even read anything that doesn't have pictures of naked women, Daxter,” Keira scoffed, rolling her eyes. “If you can even call that reading.”

“Hey...” Daxter pouted at Keira. “Don't knock my porn mags!”

“Then don't knock the romance novels!”

“Daxxie, why don't you read one? Here, I'll pick out a bunch of good ones that you can borrow! Then you can let me know what you think!”

Daxter frowned at Tess. “What, are you and Keira gonna read my porn mags in trade?”

“No, thanks. Who thinks fake tits are attractive?” Keira wrinkled her nose.

“You are a big kill joy, you know that?” Daxter sighed and held his hand out for the books. “Come on, then, give me some good ones and I'll read them. But only for you, Tessykins!”

Tess leaned over and kissed Daxter's cheek. “You're the sweetest, Daxxie.”

Daxter preened under the attention, ignoring Keira's huff and eye roll.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all, even without lesbian porn. Or Jak.

–

It was beyond being late when Jak managed to drag himself back to Freedom League HQ from the Pumping Station, bone tired and covered in metal head gore. Daxter's probably asleep by now....does she miss me at all? Probably not. Jak rested his head on the cool tile of the shower in his room at the HQ (which also doubled at the Palace. Or was it the Palace that doubled as the Freedom League Headquarters? Jak was too tired to remember) with a soft sigh. It had been harder out there without Daxter than he anticipated. His left shoulder had felt horribly light, the gun fire too loud without the sound of his friend's squeaky voice in his ear when things got a little too hairy for Daxter's liking. He wouldn't have called the feeling lonely really - lonely was when he was in that damn prison for two years – but he felt hollow. Empty. He would even go so far as to say he felt incomplete and imbalanced, and it freaked him out a little. Was he really not even a person without Daxter? He had always felt like Daxter had saved him from going insane when he was in the Fortress and all he had was that scrap of memory-

“Don't worry Jak! I'll save you before you know it!”

-and he relied on Daxter to keep from going Dark that whole year after the fight with Metal Kor and rebuilding the city, before getting exiled... Hell, even after they found out he was going to be exiled, Daxter kept Jak from going completely Dark and ripping out Veger's greasy throat (which was still a mistake in Jak's honest opinion; everyone would be better off if Veger was dead).

Jak shook himself and started scrubbing viciously at his skin with the washcloth. Stop it. You are not half a person without Daxter! It makes sense to miss her, you haven't been separated for any length of time since you were in the Baron's prison! Maybe it's a good thing you two are spending the night apart!

Except if it was supposed to be a good thing, why did it make him feel so empty?

–

When Jak returned to The Naughty Ottsel and saw Daxter sitting at the bar apparently reading something, his knees almost went weak with relief. And when Daxter turned and smiled at him? It was like the damn sun came out from behind the clouds and birds everywhere were singing sweetly and, Jak didn't know, something ridiculous that symbolized a good thing happened, or whatever. He wanted to gather Daxter to him and never let go. It kind of felt the same way as when he first saw Daxter (really saw him and didn't just pass the voice off as a hallucination, and the body something that was going to hurt him), but it also felt different too. In spite of the fact that Jak had been able to talk for the past three years, he still wasn't all that great with words, or describing how he felt. Or even talking to other people in general, really. The only person he felt like he could talk to was Daxter, and Daxter had always understood what Jak meant, even when he didn't – or couldn't – say it.

“Jak!” Daxter beamed at him, getting up from her barstool to bounce over to him. And oh did she bounce – Jak could feel his eyes following the movement.

Stop that! Stop it stop it stop it you stupid horny asshole! He wanted to kick himself. It didn't help that Jak had woken up to sticky sheets and a surprisingly clear memory of his dream the night before. A dream that had involved all three of Daxter's forms, all hot sweat-gleaming skin and soft fur, with Jak in the middle and muffling his cries of pleasure between girl-Daxter's thighs as he ground down against ottsel-Daxter's soft, furry belly and boy-Daxter fucked him from behind. That had actually surprised Jak a little, he had never imagined Daxter topping him before, but now that he had, he couldn't get the mental image out of his head. “H-hey Dax.” Oh, real smooth asshole. “Have fun?”

“Loads.” Daxter grinned up at him mischievously. “You are not going to believe what I discovered.”

For a brief second, Jak panicked. Oh shit. She knows. She knows and is going to hate me for the rest of our lives and never speak to me again- “What did you find?”

Daxter grinned, and trotted back to the bar to pick up her book. “You are going to love this.”

“Somehow I don't like the sound of that Dax,” Jak crossed his arms and eyed his friend with a healthy amount of suspicion.

When Daxter turned back around she was holding the book in front of her, grinning wickedly. “Tada!”

Jak stared. “What the hell is that?”

Daxter grinned wider. “It's a book, Jak. People read them as a form of recreation.”

“I realize that, Daxter.” Jak couldn't stop staring at the thing, the cover glossy and the gold lettering stood out like a beacon across the top. 'The Wastelander's Lady'. What the hell kind of title was that? “Why am I mostly naked on the cover of said book with a woman who is partially naked?”

“There are some where it's just you mostly naked on the covers, if it makes you feel better.”

“No, Dax. No it doesn't.” Jak frowned at the book. “How the hell did you even find this?”

“Tess has a whole collection of them. She thinks its hysterical. I do too, for that matter.”

“And you're actually reading this?”

Daxter shrugged. “Tess said it was pretty good. She actually gave me a whole bunch of them to read!” Daxter grinned. “I just got to the really good part!”

Jak's ears drooped to match the growing horror in the pit of his belly. Oh merciful Precursors this couldn't be good at all. “The really good part?”

“Allow me to enlighten you. Ahem.” Daxter opened the book and flashed a grin at Jak before she began to read. “ 'Oh Drusus,' Neetza exhaled, trembling in the wastelander's tanned, muscular arms as he laid her back against the soft pallet in their tent. 'We cannot do this- it wouldn't be right! I am engaged to another!'

'You think I give a damn about propriety?!' Drusus growled, his hand sliding up under her skirt to rip through the delicate undergarments that hid her femininity from him. 'I must have you, my sweet Neetza, and damn your fiancé!'

'Oh Drusus!' She cried as his long, tanned fingers stroked the glistening jewel of her maidenhood-”

“Okay stop! Stop right there!” Jak's face was flushed, he could feel it, even though the writing was utterly terrible.

“But Jak,” Daxter gave him a wide-eyed innocent look, “I haven't even told you about how 'Drusus' long, hard, throbbing manhood thrust inside her-'”

Jak lunged for Daxter, or more accurately, Daxter's book. “Give me that!”

Daxter shrieked, delighted, as she dashed away from him. “No, I'm not done with it yet!”

“You are now!” Jak chased Daxter around the bar, stumbling a bit over a pulled out barstool as Daxter danced just out of his reach, dangling the book at him.

“Come on, Hero Boy, you're faster than that!”

Jak growled and lunged for Daxter again, this time managing to catch her, wrapping one arm around her middle and holding her to him as his free hand tried to get the book from her. “Damn it, Daxter!”

“Eeek! Tess catch!” Daxter turned and pitched the book at Tess ,who caught it with a confused look.

“Augh! No!”

Tess clutched the book to her. “I don't see why you're so upset, Jak...”

“It's demeaning!” Jak snapped, keeping Daxter pinned. “It's demeaning and embarrassing and-and-and is it even legal? I mean, I never gave permission to be used as a model for this sort of thing! Or any sort of thing for that matter!”

Keira leaned against the bar next to Tess. “Why don't you talk to Ashelin about it? I mean, she's the Governor of the city, right? She should be able to put a stop to it, shouldn't she?”

“Right. I think I'll do that. C'mon Dax!” Jak let Daxter go and stomped out of the bar.

Ashelin would fix this.

–

“I can't believe Ashelin did this to me,” Jak groaned to the bar top as Tess refilled his mug of beer and placed it next to him.

“I'm sorry Jak. I didn't know...”

Jak lifted his head and drained half his mug in one go. He couldn't remember how many he had, just Ashelin's horrible betrayal.

'Oh. You didn't read the contract I had you sign?' Ashelin had said to him, 'When you signed the contract about being paid for freelancing to the city, you also agreed to do charity benefits, and allowed the city use of your image. I auctioned off the use of your image to publishing houses, and the one who got it publishes romance novels. Every time a book with your picture, or some semblance thereof, on it sells, the city gets a nice portion of money, a portion of which goes to you. Did you notice you get paid every month? Oh, by the way, you have a photo shoot for a calender next month, so make sure your racing gear is in good shape.'

Jak whimpered and banged his head on the bar top again. And when he complained to her, she had the nerve to say 'it's just business, Jak, don't worry about it.' Don't worry about it. Like hundreds of people weren't drooling over false representations of him and other people weren't making money off it. He wasn't even comfortable with people drooling over him in general! Or making money off of him! It didn't matter that he was getting a portion of it, it made him feel cheap and used. He glanced at Daxter, who had been matching him drink for drink so far (at least, he was pretty sure she had been). Daxter would never do something like that to him. Daxter was his best friend! Daxter was hot and sexy and wonderful and not a horrible backstabbing tattooed bitchface, and Jak really appreciated that. I should tell her that... he thought through his drunken haze. “Hey, hey Dax?”

Daxter turned and beamed at Jak, a faint flush painting her cheeks. “Wassup Jak?”

“Yoooooou are my best friend,” Jak slurred, wobbling a bit in his seat.

“Aww, you're my best friend too, pal!”

“You are reeally wonderful,” Jak continued, leaning closer to her. “You would never betray me, right?”

“Nope!”

“That's right. Because you are wonderful and I really love you.”

Daxter beamed happily at Jak. “I love you too, Jak.”

Jak smiled back at Daxter. She was so beautiful. But Daxter had always been beautiful to Jak. Beautiful and gorgeous and sexy and wonderful and Jak really wanted to kiss her.

So he did.