Fleeting

Maria’s brow was creased in worry, Altaïr had been gone for a day and Malik was unavailable – Nazeera wouldn’t talk to her so she was stuck outside Azurelle’s door. The girl had been edgy lately; she avoided everyone and kept to herself in her room. Knocking again, Maria called through the wooden door, “you missed breakfast…I’m coming in!” she couldn’t wait another second to be ignored! She walked in and paused, Azurelle’s grey eyes fell on her and the girl promptly burst into tears. When Maria tried to lay a hand on her shoulder it was slapped away. “…what has happened?” she knelt down to the girls level and tried to see her face through the hands, “is it the baby? Has something happened?” maybe she should find a healer? “Azurelle?” nothing.
The woman could get nothing from her, the more she tried the more the little brunette would sob. This wasn’t right! Usually Azurelle was such a happy person with a strong will and a ready smile. This was wrong. Running from the room Maria descended down the stairs, she ignored the looks from people she passed, she was looking for only one person and she could only pray the woman was where often was.

0

Nazeera was preening happily in the garden; she had gotten over her dislike of the place once the younger girls who inhabited the little piece of paradise had seemed to revere her as something wonderful. She couldn’t help getting such a big head with all of these girls telling her how pretty she was and would she please please teach them some dances, they wanted to know all about Malik as he was such a mystery to them and they wanted to hear gossip about her little sister – which she stared down anyone who asked. So when someone’s shadow covered her she assumed it was one of the girls, “what – oh. You.” Nazeera frowned and turned away from the English woman.

“I don’t care what you may think of me but I thought you would care if I said to you, Azurelle is in her room, sobbing her little heart out, she has not eaten today and she does not look as if she’s slept. She will not say a word to anyone!” Maria nearly yelled in victory as the other woman looked up at her with a worried expression – so she wasn’t invisible to the other! Nazeera stood and sped indoors, why hadn’t she noticed her sister’s trouble? Why did Altaïr’s former lover have to come and tell her?! Both of them rushed back to the private area of the fortress, once again causing alarm to the Assassins they passed on the way.

“Azurelle!” Nazeera’s heart broke at the sight of her baby sister crying so brokenly into her hands, “honey, what is wrong?” she attempted to hug the girl but she too was pushed away. “Azurelle! It’s me! What’s wrong with you?!” the woman sat on the bed and firmly wrapped her arms around her from the side, the girl growled and tugged and pulled in an attempt to escape but Nazeera held fast. “What is wrong with you?”

“Get off me!” she nearly screamed giving another fierce pull to no avail, “I’m a horrible person! So leave me alone! Go away!” her sobs became harder as she yelled at her older sister.

“Maria…go find a healer, this is doing her no good at all!” she saw the other woman flinch, obviously not used to being given orders but she went anyway – if it meant getting the girl to calm down she would co-operate. Once she had gone Nazeera tried talking to her again, “why are you horrible? What’s wrong?” she tried rocking her gently but she had never seen Azurelle worked up so much, this wasn’t even a simple tantrum!

“They’re right…the girls in the garden!” her speech was a little difficult to understand because of her crying but Nazeera frowned once she understood, “I’m so stupid! I’m no…no better than a street whore!”

“Azurelle! What are you saying! Who said that?! It’s not true! You are annoyingly trusting, you’re sweet and kind, you wouldn’t hurt a fly and you are certainly not a whore!” wasn’t the brunette stronger than this? To let simple words destroy her in such a way, “you are the most selfless, mature person I know!”

At this she sobbed louder, her breaths turning into harsh gasps as she continued, “I’m a wicked, selfish person! I have no right to…she’s my friend! She’s helped me with so much and I…I should have been stronger! But I wanted him!” she threw her arms around Nazeera’s neck and hid her face in the woman’s shoulder, “I could have said no! I should have! I thought it would stop hurting but…I’m horrible!” she felt so terribly guilty, she wondered if this was how Altaïr felt when he caused Malik to lose his arm, did he feel so awful that it felt as if his blood had turned to ice and caused his body to sting so wretchedly? It hurt to breathe, to think…she couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror she was so ashamed. When Altaïr had been by her side, she barely felt bad, he would distract her and her mind would tell her it was alright and that she wasn’t really doing anything wrong. He’d gone and every second she had to spend with Maria was actually painful, like being stabbed with tiny pins every second! Without the man to look at and remind herself exactly what she was fighting for, she could only dwell on how wrong she was being!

She had been the one to tell Altaïr to go to Maria, she had been the one to coax Maria into Altaïr’s arms and then she had broken and snatched him for herself – behind the woman’s back like a snake! Yes, Altaïr had come to her but she had not sent him away because… “Nazeera…Altaïr’s cheating on Maria…” the older woman gasped, “I spend the day with her confiding in me and then behind her back I’m sleeping with him! I’m an evil horrible worm!”

Azurelle’s crying renewed as she said it aloud, surprised when Nazeera tightened her hold in an almost protective grip, she had expected to be thrown aside, “why are you doing such a horrible thing? You are better than this!”

“Because I love him.”

Giving a pained exhale Nazeera cursed the Assassin under her breath – she knew this would happen! “He was your first, Azurelle, you might think you love him but you don’t know for sure! There is a difference between love and lust…you two have nothing in common! He’s far too old for you and he’s a selfish, manipulative bastard! This is his fault so don’t you dare try and defend him! He has to choose one of you – he can’t have you both! And I can’t believe he would have so much disrespect for you to make you into some little mistress while he openly displays affection to her!” she knew Azurelle didn’t go to him first and the fact that she had broken down only proved that she knew she was doing something wrong and it had been eating away at her for a month; the distraction of her prize keeping the guilt manageable – but without him she had no where to hide from the feelings, “what did he say to you?”

She choked on her words, the phrase sounded so weak and impossible that Azurelle could not believe it had ever broken her resolve at all, “he…he can’t choose one of us…even though I kept pushing him toward Maria...he- he said…he said he needed me! …I agreed to be his dirty little secret – I thought it would be easy! People do it all the time! I didn’t think I’d hurt anyone! I agreed! He gave me the option to back out and I didn’t take it because I want him!” she felt like a spoilt little brat for taking what wasn’t hers but she knew – if Altaïr came to her again she wouldn’t refuse. “I’m a monster…” Nazeera now had tears leaking from her eyes; she hadn’t been paying attention to Azurelle at all. If she had she would have realised sooner the guilt that shined so brightly in her grey eyes, how the girl looked over her shoulder as if something were dogging her steps…the way she had withdrawn. “I don’t want to hurt anyone…but I can’t give him up if he needs me!”

Maria returned with a middle aged woman, she had met Azurelle before because Altaïr wanted the woman with so much experience of birthing that the girl wouldn’t have to be so anxious. She regarded the girl with a frown, she was sobbing so hard and her breaths were so erratic that it couldn’t be doing her any good at all.

“Every time he kicks…it’s like a knife, it’s like he knows what a horrible thing it is I am doing!” Nazeera shushed her, she had worked herself up so ridiculously that she sounded almost paranoid, “I don’t deserve…I’m terrible!” the midwife came closer, she hadn’t been able to understand the garbled mess of words but she could see that it was emotional as to physical pain, the girl needed to rest before she distressed the baby because at this stage of the pregnancy it could trigger an early birth and that would help no one.

“right.” She said and put a bag on the bed beside the girl, she drew out a corked bottle and a cloth from within and spilled the liquid into the cloth, this was the easiest way to make the girl lucid because she would likely choke on anything she was given orally. Azurelle saw what she was planning and tried to escape from Nazeera’s grasp, she didn’t want to sleep! Every time she shut her eyes she thought about what she was doing to Maria – being her friend one minute and betraying her the next! “this is for your own good, child!” it was a struggle, Nazeera held tight to her, the midwife had to take hold of her head so Maria could place the cloth over her mouth and nose; Azurelle slowly became limp and slumped against her sister, she was only given enough to make her dozy as too much would force her into a deep sleep. “This is why girls should wait to have children! The younger they are the worse they’re affected by mood swings! They take everything to heart and become so needy and desperate…it doesn’t help that she has no husband to support her! I’ve known girls to destroy their husband’s belongings because they thought it would be a good idea and then they spend the rest of the time crying because of their stupidity!”

“A-are you saying…that her emotions…because she’s pregnant, she’ll do stupid things that she possibly wouldn’t otherwise?” Nazeera laid her down and tried to shush her as every word she uttered was an apology, “it’s her being pregnant that’s making her so emotional?”

“As I said…the younger they are, the less they can cope. I don’t know how she got into this state but I suggest that whatever has her so upset is sorted out soon. Now both of you out, I’ll watch her for now.” She ushered them out and shut the door firmly behind the two women.

Maria looked to the distraught woman, “what was wrong?”

“Altaïr! As bloody usual it’s his fault!” she closed her mouth before she said anything too damaging this could be fixed…she would think of a way to fix it and make up for her lack of care for her younger sibling, “she thinks she’s in love with Altaïr. She wants him all for herself and because of that she feels like she’s stabbing you in the back. She feels guilty because she wants to take something that isn’t hers and she thinks that makes her some sort of wicked snake in the grass!” she turned her fierce glare on the woman, “if you had stayed away instead of thinking that nearly a year after throwing Altaïr aside you could waltz back into his arms this wouldn’t have happened! She would have had her baby with whatever support he could give her – freely – without having to think, ‘will this upset Maria’. She would have had her baby and then she would have moved into a nice little house and she wouldn’t have felt threatened that someone would take him away from her! She was breaking her bonds to him slowly so she could walk away and live her own life! You showed up and she had to cut all ties and had to feel jealous and sad while you talked about how much care for a man you abandoned!”

“What do you want me to do?!” Maria yelled back at the woman whose tone had been rising in volume, “She’s been telling me to go to him! How am I in the wrong! If she wanted him so badly why didn’t she flutter those pretty little lashes at him and take him!”

“Because she’s not a selfish little bitch! Just the thought of taking him from you has broken her so thoroughly! Can’t you just go away again?! She wouldn’t feel so fucking guilty if you weren’t around! Can’t you just go away and come back when her fascination for that bastard wears off! Or until after she’s had the baby so she can control her feelings!” an arm wrapped around Nazeera’s waist and she nearly lashed out at the owner, through her tears she saw Malik’s concerned features – he had come to find her and heard the yelling. It wasn’t often she worked herself up so much, “she’s better than this Malik…you know she’s not a cruel girl! She’ll give him everything she has and he’ll just keep taking!” a baby’s cry sounded through the hallway from the nursery and Maria took this as a moment to escape, how was any of this her fault!

Malik led his crying wife to their room and sat her down until she was calm enough to tell him Azurelle’s guilty confession, he listened calmly, surprised that Azurelle would do such a thing and degrade herself to such a level. He knew she had said yes to Altaïr and agreed to his terms of the secret little affair but it was the Assassin who was in the wrong. “That bastard knows she would never refuse him…how can he be so selfish! He would have pursued her ruthlessly even if she had said no…he would have kept going until she agreed!” for the first time in many years Malik was actually ashamed of his friend – he had not known such selfish disregard for others since before his arm was taken, “this is not her fault…she should know better but this is more his fault than hers and she should not have to suffer for it!” he stood and went to the desk in the corner of the room, pulling open and ink bottle with his teeth , Malik took out a piece of paper and grabbed his quill.

“What are you doing?”

“A message for Altaïr.” He scribbled quickly and jerkily across the paper a simple message;

Altaïr,
Your past self is rearing his ugly head,
And he is killing Azurelle.
I thought you were better than this, my friend.
Choose.
Your disappointed friend,
Malik.

He rolled the paper up hastily after drying the ink and went to the window letting out a high pitched whistle. It was a long moment but his eagle flew to the window and landed on the ledge cawing and flapping his wings, the Dai tied the message to the creature’s leg and commanded it to find its name sake. The bird may have been a terror to pigeons and it often caused trouble but he had trained it well, the bird would find anyone it was trained to find – this was the only reason it hadn’t found itself on the dinner table, “find him and tear his eyeballs out.” This had to stop.

000

Two in one night! I thought I might as well because I won’t have enough angst tomorrow to write out Azurelle’s guilt angst. She’s not the kind of girl who will feel no guilt at what she’s done but she needs someone! Night night!