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May 31, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Ooh, very nice. I just finished chapter 2, and I got a nice laugh out of the ending.
One thing I would suggest is that you break up your paragraphs with a new line. You did it for some of them (for example, the paragraph ending with "This was it; it was really happening."), but not for all of them. The lines breaks would really help with readability, and helps prevent Wall O'Text Syndrome.
One thing I would suggest is that you break up your paragraphs with a new line. You did it for some of them (for example, the paragraph ending with "This was it; it was really happening."), but not for all of them. The lines breaks would really help with readability, and helps prevent Wall O'Text Syndrome.
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December 25, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Good story, I like SoRiKai the best, in all ways, shapes, and forms, because it's just seems that it can work the best out of most of the pairings. I also enjoyed the alternate chapter, even though if I bet they'll be finding sand for the next two weeks. Nice job.
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September 20, 2010 at 12:00 AM
oh wow.
that last chapter was great.
i cant wait for another story.
hahh.
lol.
~Golden Kitsune~
that last chapter was great.
i cant wait for another story.
hahh.
lol.
~Golden Kitsune~
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September 6, 2010 at 12:00 AM
im loving this story.
i cant wait to finish the rest.
~Golden Kitsune~
i cant wait to finish the rest.
~Golden Kitsune~
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December 15, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This story is the type of stuff this site needs. I'm so sick of OOC yaoi pairings. The only reason those girls make the straight guys gay and hero and villain fall in love with each is for one reason: Good looks.
Like you, I write a story and try to do my character homework. And I don't care if the character is a bishie or a monster, if that character is likeable, I write about him/her.
Like you, I write a story and try to do my character homework. And I don't care if the character is a bishie or a monster, if that character is likeable, I write about him/her.
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December 14, 2009 at 12:00 AM
YAH CHICKA HA HA, THANK YOU, FUNNY, SWEET, AND HOT, REALLY HOT, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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December 9, 2009 at 12:00 AM
BAN, I REALLY LIKE THIS, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I READ A GOOD THREESOME KINGDOM HEARTS FIC THAT INVOLVED THE TWO LOVING KAIRI AND NOT HAVING ANY YAOI CONTENT, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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August 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Good story, man, especially as a first offering.
The threesome would have certainly been a good way to cap it off, but maybe if you try writing something else and coming back to it later, you could rewrite the scene. I get hung up on very small details in stories, but when coming back to it later it becomes easier to do.
As for the chapters, I prefer a story break up the massive text with logical chapter breaks, and this story was pretty good on that.
The threesome would have certainly been a good way to cap it off, but maybe if you try writing something else and coming back to it later, you could rewrite the scene. I get hung up on very small details in stories, but when coming back to it later it becomes easier to do.
As for the chapters, I prefer a story break up the massive text with logical chapter breaks, and this story was pretty good on that.