schedule
July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Well, you can certainly tell that this was one of your first. There's a lot of sloppiness to the writing, and the line "Once in Asgard, there was this serial killer who killed thirty-nine people before being apprehended." made me crack up. You forgot that you were writing fantasy for a minute there, didn't you?
The worst bit, however, is the whole discussion starting with: "“Everything except ask questions.” Ein replied, getting the familiar dark look in his eyes. Serene went silent. “Once Ledah and I had to exterminate an entire village: men, women and children." That whole conversation completely contradicts just about everything we know about Asgard and Ein from the game, and pretentious, cornball angst drips from every line of dialogue.
Ironically, the sex scene is the best one you've written. I really don't think Serene could be a sadistic murderer, but I can see how someone might come to that interpretation, and the scene is quite disturbing. However, I don't care for endings where the hero dies pointlessly, and more importantly, Ein sounds awfully calm considering he was just raped by one of his closest friends and is now bleeding to death! "Well Serene, now that you're done raping and killing me, how about a new shirt?" That's weird, and not in a good way.
Overall the worst of your four "After the Game" fics, although the Lina one had the inherent disadvantage of a thoroughly nasty pair-up.
The worst bit, however, is the whole discussion starting with: "“Everything except ask questions.” Ein replied, getting the familiar dark look in his eyes. Serene went silent. “Once Ledah and I had to exterminate an entire village: men, women and children." That whole conversation completely contradicts just about everything we know about Asgard and Ein from the game, and pretentious, cornball angst drips from every line of dialogue.
Ironically, the sex scene is the best one you've written. I really don't think Serene could be a sadistic murderer, but I can see how someone might come to that interpretation, and the scene is quite disturbing. However, I don't care for endings where the hero dies pointlessly, and more importantly, Ein sounds awfully calm considering he was just raped by one of his closest friends and is now bleeding to death! "Well Serene, now that you're done raping and killing me, how about a new shirt?" That's weird, and not in a good way.
Overall the worst of your four "After the Game" fics, although the Lina one had the inherent disadvantage of a thoroughly nasty pair-up.