Perfect Dark Beauty

Disclaimer: I do not own American Beauty, Joanna Dark (Though I wish I did, I wouldn't have whored her up like Microdick did), Trent Easton, Daniel Carrington, Cassandra DeVries, the assorted minor characters, or Perfect Dark.

Grainy spycam shot of Joanna in the leathers she wore inside the G5 Building.

Joanna: He's a good boss. I just don't want some guy who's going to spray himself everytime I
bring an agent home.

Trent (holding the camera): Want me to kill him?

Joanna (leans forward): Yeah.

Zoom in on the Carrington Institute.

Carrington (voice-over): Thish ish my Inshtitute. Thish ish my home. Thish ish my life. In a
year, I'll be dead.

Cut to Cassandra, who's baking pies at the stove in the hangar (don't ask why it's there).

Carrington (v/o): Thish ish my wife, Casshandra. We were married due to the Fanfic Plotline
Act of Nineteen Sheventy: all fanfichs musht have plotlinesh that make shenshe. It'sh no
coinchidenche the handle of her pie-carver ish the shame ash her shuit.

Cassandra: Daniel! The dropship will be here shortly!

Cut to Joanna, in her office. She's on the computer, looking at pdark.com.

Carrington (v/o): And thish ish my daughter Joanna. I'd like to tell her the anger and confushion
she'sh going through right now was going to end. It won't, though.

Cut to Carrington, eating a pie in the shower.

Carrington (v/o): Thish ish going to be the high point of my day. Look at me, eating piesh in the
shower. Mmm, piesh...

Carrington (walking to the hangar, from his office): Come on, Joanna.

Cut to Joanna, who's turned off her computer

Joanna: OK, boss.

Cut to the Hangar, where Cassandra is waiting impatiently in the jumpship. Carrington enters,
and Joanna is still coming.

Cassandra: Young lady, do you try to be that ugly?

Joanna: Yes.

The jumpship lifts off, and exits.

Cut to the Air Base. Carrington is sitting in the office chair next door to the safe.

Carrington: Yesh, shir. No, shir. Good day, shir.

Enter the President.

President: Mr. Carrington, may I see you in my office?

Carrington (wearing extremely phony grin): Yes, shir.

Cut to President's office.

Carrington: Sho, you want to jushtify firing me.

President: No, man! We just want to see who is valuable to the nation...

Carrington: And who ish exshpendable.

President (sighs): Look, will you be writing yours?

Carrington(sighs as well): Yesh.

Cut to Cassandra in her office.

Cassandra(repeatedly): I will perfect the sapient to the Skedar specifications.

She types on the computer. The words "Program Failed" flash across the screen. Cassandra
screeches and flings the computer out the window behind her. She begins slapping herself,
hard.

Cassandra: Stop it, you baby!

Cut to Cassandra and Carrington in the hovership.

Carrington: So then he makesh ush write theshe esshaysh sho we can tell them which one of
ush ish going to be fired!

Cassandra: Well, are you going to write it?

Carrington: No! I'm not going to do shome shtupid thing like that!

Cassandra: Yes, you are, dear.

Carrington(meekly): Yesh, dear.

Cut to the holo-room in the Institute. Carrington, Cassandra, and Joanna are eating a turkey
dinner there. Some old music is playing

Carrington: ...and sho now I have to write an esshay.

Joanna: I'm not your best friend because you had a bad day today. (leaves)

Carrington (stammering): Um...I'm going to go get a pie.

Cut to the kitchen in the hangar.

Carrington: I'm shorry if I've been inshensitive to you for the lasht few months...if you ever need
anything, jusht come talk to me.

Joanna: So it's my fault?

Cut to the same scene, only from a camspy in the far corner of the room. It zooms in on
Joanna's face.

Interior of Jumpship.

Carrington: Why do we have to go to thish thing?

Cassandra: Because Joanna wants us there.

Carrington: Did she shay that?

Cassandra: Of course not! That foolish girl thought she could hide it from us. We'll show her.

Carrington sighs.

Cut to a shooting range (not Foster's).

Velvet: What are you looking for?

Joanna: The boss. He might come in here, trying to spend some healthy 'employee-employee'
time.

Velvet: Bummer, I hate when that happens.

Announcer: Joanna Dark, shooting for Carrington Institute.

Joanna walks to a table at the end of the shooting range. Carrington and Cassandra enter
discreetly near the rear of the range. Joanna picks up a Falcon 2 (without scope) and, without
hesitation, fires off all eight rounds. They are very close to their mark.

Announcer: Very professionally done, my dear. Next, Velvet Dark, for...

The voice fades, and everyone except Carrington and Velvet disappears. Velvet begins dancing
seductively for Carrington, at one point picking her own selection of firearm off the table and
seductively licking it like a lollipop. She then rips open her shirt, but instead of an ample view
of her bosom, dozens of tiny pies fly out. A second later, everything flashes back into view.
Velvet has taken her shots, and stands down.

Cut to hangar of the shooting range, after the competition. Joanna proudly wears a gold medal,
while Velvet sports a silver one.

Joanna: Man, they're still here!

Cassandra: Well performed, young lady. Your aim doesn't suck tonight.

Carrington(bursting): Hello! I'm Daniel Carrington, Joanna'sh bosh.

Velvet: I'm Velvet.

Carrington: Sho, where are you going now, Velvet?

Velvet: We were going to go grab some chow at the Burger Barn.

Carrington: Do you need an eshcort? That part of town can be dangeroush at night.

Joanna: It's OK, Daniel. We can handle ourselves. I think Cassandra's waiting for you.

Carrington: Oh, OK, well, I guesh I'll be going now. It'sh been great meeting you, Velvet.
Goodbye, girlsh.

Exit Carrington and Cassandra.

Joanna: Geez, he couldn't be more obvious if he tattooed it onto his forehead.

Velvet: I think he's cute. I'll bet he's never even kissed a girl, and meant it.

Cut to Carrington and Cassandra's bedroom.

Carrington(v/o): I've been mishing sho much. I feel like I'm waking from a 20-year coma.

Cut to Carrington's point of view. It is Velvet, nude. Her 'parts' are covered with pies. Cut back
to Carrington.

Carrington(softly): Shpectacular.

Cut to the hoverbikes parked outside the CI. Joanna and Velvet are laughing and getting high
off of Combat Boosts.

Velvet: It felt good when I realized your boss wanted me.

Joanna: Oh, don't be sick.

Velvet: Come on, Joanna. It gives me such a sense of power. Don't tell me you haven't felt it,
too.

Joanna(nervous): Umm...what time is it? (looks at clock) Crap, I have to be up for reveille at
0500. See you tomorrow, Velvet.

Joanna dismounts, and begins to wheel her hoverbike towards the Institute. She hears a faint
electronic humming, and spots a camspy a few yards away. She gives it the finger, at which
point Trent pops up, remote control in hand. He pilots the camspy back to him.

Joanna: Jerk.

Exit Joanna.

Trent goes back to his room, where he takes a mini-CD out of the camspy, and puts it in
storage with dozens of others. A knock is heard on the door.

Jonathan: Come on, Trent, you know I don't like locked doors in this house.

Trent: Sorry. My bad.

Trent unlocks the door. In steps Jonathan.

Jonathan: I need to scan your hard drive again.

Trent: Been six months, huh? Well, can you check it in the morning? I just shut down.

Jonathan: OK.

Exit Jonathan.

Trent goes to the computer. It is on. He renames the file 'Evil Presidential Cloning Plan' to
'Fuzzy Bunny Wabbits'.

Cut to Trent, as he goes to the kitchen from his room.

Stewardess: I made bacon.

Trent: Ma'am, you're an airline worker. You make the world's crappiest food.

Stewardess: But it's only $1.50 a slice!

Trent: No.

Stewardess: OK.

Trent sits at the kitchen table, where Jonathan is reading the paper.

Trent: How's the world, Jonathan?

Jonathan: It's all going down the crapper. Look at this: Maians demand citizenship. Down the
crapper, I say.

Cut to the Skedar shuttle. Jonathan is piloting, Trent is in the passenger seat.

Jonathan: Look at that(gestures to flying saucer in the next lane, containing Elvis). Why do
those godless aliens have to be so shameless?

Trent: They don't think it's anything to be shameful about.

Jonathan: It is, though.

Trent(sarcastic): You're right. Those aliens make me want to vomit.

Jonathan(pats Trent on the back): Me too, Trent.

Cut to a courtyard outside the Lucerne Building(daytime). A banner proclaims it to be Intern
Mixer Day.

Velvet: So he just whips it out and comes to me.

Cass' Secretary: What did you do?

Velvet: Well, you better believe I shot him. It's not every day one can beat a DarkSim.

Office Worker: I'm sick of you carrying on like this. You live like a mercenary. And you were
only in the Strategy Guide once.

Velvet: Strategy guide?

Office Worker: Huh? Oh, nevermind. So stop acting like Jo with a big head!

A programmer nearby rubs his chin upon hearing that.

Ken Lobb: Jo with a big head...hmm...

Exit Office Worker and Cass' Secretary.

Velvet: MeatSim! I'm sick of you, too!

The Skedar shuttle lands, and Trent exits.

Joanna: That's the jerk who filmed me last night.

Trent approaches Joanna and Velvet.

Trent: Hey, you live next to me, in the CI HQ.

Joanna: I know, and I don't need a stalker. I'll bust a cap in you.

Trent: I'm not stalking, I'm just curious.

Joanna: Well, don't film me.

Trent(hurt): Okay. Bye.

Exit Trent.

Velvet: He filmed you?

Joanna: Yeah, when you left last night.

Velvet: Eww! A peeping Tom! And dressed like Elton John, to boot.

Joanna: He wasn't that bad.

Velvet: Oh, you've got a crush on him!

Joanna: Do not!

Velvet: Do so! You wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies.

Joanna: Zip it!

Cut to a party on Cassandra's floor of Lucerne Tower.

Cassandra: Now this is Mr. Blonde, an important associate of mine. Don't annoy him, he's got
a fast trigger.

Carrington: Oui, monshieur.

Cassandra: What? How dare you!

Mr. Blonde approaches, flanked by two more Blondes brandishing K7s.

Cassandra: Nevermind, go have a drink. (To Blonde) Hi! How's it going?

Mr. Blonde: We still need the sapient, Ms. DeVries.

Cassandra: Please, call me Cassandra.

Mr. Blonde: OK. I am doing fine myself.

Cut to Trent, standing near the back, catering. Carrington approaches.

Trent: Don't you live next door to me?

Carrington: Yesh, I shaw you guysh move in today, too.

Trent(gesturing to everyone else): This sucks. Do you like to party?

Carrington(taken aback): Shure.

Trent: You wanna get high?

Carrington: Yesh!

Cut to Cassandra, who's tipsily chatting with Mr. Blonde.

Cassandra: I'd like to pick your brain someday.

Mr. Blonde(threateningly, with hand on Mauler holster): I don't think so, Cassandra.

Cassandra(giggles): Not like that, I meant talk to you about how you do your job.

Mr. Blonde(less threatening): Oh, I see. Would lunch tomorrow do?

Cassandra(delighted): Sure!

Cut to rooftop. Carrington and Trent are sharing a pie.

Trent: I call this stuff my Pot Pie.

Carrington(laughing): It's delishoush.

Dr. Carroll(from door): Hey, I'm not paying you for nothing, you know.

Trent: So don't pay me.

Dr. Carroll: What?

Trent: I quit. You don't have to pay me. Leave me alone.

Dr. Carroll exits.

Carrington: You have jusht become my pershonal hero.

Trent: Why?

Carrington: How can you jusht quit like that?

Trent: I have other methods of payment(gestures to pie). This, and world domination schemes.
Jonathan thinks I'm legit. Never underestimate the power of denial.

Carrington: Well, I guesh it'sh eashier when you're all of forty yearsh old.

Enter Cassandra.

Cassandra: Daniel? What are you doing?

Carrington: Cashie! Thish ish Trent Eash-(laughs) Trent-(laughs)

Trent: I'm Trent Easton.

Cassandra: I know that, you twit! Anyway, I'm ready to go.

Carrington: In a minute.(exit Cassandra) Hey, can I buy shome more off of you shometime?

Trent: Sure, stop by my house tomorrow.

Cut to Joanna's office. Joanna and Velvet are inside. The Jumpship is seen in the window
heading in the direction of the hangar.

Joanna: Great, they're home.

Velvet(smiling): I should go say hi to your boss!

Joanna: Velvet, no!

Carrington is searching in the fridge for a regular pie. Velvet pops up from behind the fridge
door. Carrington shrieks like a little girl, then sees who it is.

Carrington: Oh, Velvet. Hi.

Velvet: Hi, Mr. Carrington. Looking good. Last time we met, you seemed so...tense.

Carrington's hand is on a banana inside the fridge. At about this time, he squeezes it on reflex,
and the banana makes a sticky mess.

Carrington: Oh, thank you.

Velvet: Is that a pie?

Velvet reaches her hand onto Carrington's shoulder, and leans in for a kiss. Pies slowly fall
around them. Then, Carrington snaps out of the semierotic illusion. Velvet is by the door,
eating a piece of pie from the plate. Joanna is next to her, looking disgusted. Cassandra is
also there.

Velvet: Mmm, I love pie, don't you?

Joanna: Cassandra, Velvet's staying the night.

Carrington, upon hearing this, forgets to open his mouth while moving his pie towards it. It
smears all in his beard.

Cut to Joanna's office. The glass table has been moved to the wall, and a bed has come down
off the wall. There is also a sleeping bag on the ground. Joanna and Velvet are here, wearing
sea-green jammies.

Velvet: Your boss is pretty hot.

Joanna: Don't be disgusting. I'm a better shot than you.

Outside, Carrington, upon hearing them talk, decides to listen in to their conversation.

Velvet: Really! If he worked out some, I'd do him in a minute!

Joanna: You are beyond gross.

Joanna plugs her ears and begins yelling to drown out Velvet, who is now describing how she
would 'have' Carrington.

Velvet: I'd do him until the eyes rolled back of his head!

Carrington twitches noticeably at this, accidentally banging his arm against the door.

Velvet: Did you hear that?

Carrington flees the vicinity of the room.

Joanna: Yes, that was the sound of you being very, very sick.

Velvet: No, I mean it. Look out the window.

Joanna looks out the window, and a series of mines planted on the side of the G5 building next
door explodes. The fires spell out 'JOANNA'.

Velvet: Eww, Mental Boy is stalking you! I wonder if he's filming us right now.

Joanna turns away and goes to sit at the computer terminal, the computer still off.

Cut to a grainy spycam shot from Trent's room in the G5 building; it seems he has upgraded
his spycam with a sniper-rifle scope. He zooms in to look at Joanna's face reflected in the
computer terminal; Joanna begins to smile.

Cut to Carrington entering the Institute's garage. There is a set of weights in the corner.
Carrington takes off all his clothes and begins to exercise nude.

Cut to Trent, switching to another spycam as he watches Carrington exercise.

Trent: Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.

Cut to Carrington and Cassandra in bed. Carrington is once again daydreaming. He is in his
bathroom, which looks like the one from Air Force One. Velvet is in the tub, which is filled to
the brim with pies that react like water, much like in the movie.

Velvet: Hi there. Can you give me a bath? I've been very dirty.

Carrington reaches for the 'water'. Just as he touches it, he snaps back to reality.

Cassandra: What are you doing?

Carrington: Nothing.

Cassandra: You were masticating!

Carrington: No I washn't.

Cassandra: You were. I told you not to eat your blasted pies in bed!

Carrington: Alright, I wash! Sho what?

Cassandra: It's very messy.

Carrington: Well, excushe me if I have to fill my hole with shomething.

Carrington turns on the light, and Cassandra gets out of bed angrily.

Cassandra: Well, I do, too! You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?

Carrington: Well, I'm the only one who sheemsh to be doing anything about it!

Cassandra: Well, why didn't you tell me about it?

Carrington: You want to do shomething? Then come on, baby!

Cassandra: Don't mess with me, Mr. Carrington! I'll divorce you like that! (snaps fingers)

Carrington: Fine, do that! But I shupported you when you got control of Datadyne. Shome
would shay that entitlesh me to half.

Carrington rolls over and smiles.

Cut to the exterior of the G5 building, where Trent watches Jonathan wash the Skedar shuttle.

Jonathan: Man, those Skedar smell!

Enter Carrington.

Carrington: Hello, I don't believe we've met. My name ish Daniel Carrington.

Jonathan: Jonathan Dark.

Carrington(to himself): Chrisht, why does everyone I know have the last name of Dark?(to
Trent) Hi, Trent! Shay...remember that video game we were talking about lasht night?

Trent: Goldeneye for the N64, the second greatest game ever?

Carrington: Yesh, that'sh the one.

Trent: You wanna borrow it? It's in my roComeCome on.

Cut to Trent's room.

Trent(picking something up): Here. Hold that.

Carrington(sniffing it): What's this?

Trent: Pee. (turns to Carrington, who had been in the process of taking a sip. Carrington's eyes
go wide, and does a spit-take onto the wall.)

Carrington: Oh God! Dishgushting. Why do you need that shtuff, anyway?

Trent: It was going to be for a joke I'm going to play on Jonathan. Not anymore,
apparently.(glares at Carrington). Anyway, here's my stash.

Trent opens a drawer on his bureau, and takes out all the clothes. He removes the false
bottom, and there are several bags of you know what in the hidden area.

Carrington: Oregano? What...

Trent: It's pot, Mr. Carrington. This stuff(holds up bag)is pretty good, but it costs three hundred
dollars. This stuff(holds up much smaller bag) is G-13. The government manufactures this stuff.
I only smoke this stuff. It's 3K.

Carrington: I'll take it. (pockets the bag) Can I pay you back later?

Trent: Sure. You just mix that stuff with any pie filling and bake it.

Carrington now walks around the room. He picks up the CD.

Carrington: You like the Village People? I haven't listened to themyearyears.

Cut to the President's office in the Air Base.

The President: "My job consists mainly of brown-nosing you government types all day long,
and at least once a day, going to the men's room to eat a pie and fantasize about a life that
isn't mine." Well, Mr. Carrington, you obviously have what it takes to work with the U.S.
Government. Congratulations, I'm giving you a raise.

Carrington: No, you fool, I want fired.

The President: Of course not. Do you ashume I'm a moron? You're trying to get another raise
out of me.

Carrington: Fire me, or I'll file sexual assault charges.

The President(laughing): Against who?

Carrington: Why, you, Mr. President.

Carrington, with superhuman strength, throws the desk seperating them aside. We see the
President has been...pleasuring himself. Carrington leaps forward just in time to catch some of
the President's...stuff on Carrington's blue suit.

Carrington: Now either fire me, or I'll talk to the press.

The President: Are you kidding, man? If anything, this will increase my popularity. I'll win the
reelection for sure.

Carrington: Screw it. I quit.

Cut to a bombspy's eye view of the world. It has entered the open cockpit of a Datadyne
helicopter. Seconds later, it is high in the air. Switch to a Camspy watching from the park near
the Lucerne Tower as the bombspy explodes, taking the helicopter down.

Velvet: What are you doing?

Cut to a regular view of Trent, as he turns from watching his camspy viewer to Velvet and
Joanna. The helicopter crashes four feet behind him. He doesn't flinch.

Trent: I'm filming this crashed helicopter.

Velvet: You're so gross.

Trent: It's not gross. It's beautiful.

He focuses the camspy onto Joanna.

Joanna: Stop filming me, or I'll pop a cap in you.

Trent: OK, no need to get violent. (he collects the camera.)

Velvet: Whatever. Let's go.

Joanna: Do you want a ride?

Trent: I'll walk.

Velvet: See, he doesn't want to. Let's go.

Joanna: I'll walk too.

Velvet: God, it's over three hundred miles from here to the Institution!

Joanna shrugs.

Cut to Elvis' UFO. Trent and Joanna are inside.

Joanna: Why do you like to film dead things?

Trent: The world makes us feel so insignificant sometimes. When something is dead, and
you're looking at it, it feels like God is looking down at you. And sometimes...if you're quick
enough...you can look back.

Joanna: Have you ever known anyone who has died?

Trent: No. You?

Joanna: No.

Trent and Joanna enter the G5 building (the Grid sector, the one in multiplayer that looks like
the Matrix). The stewardess is already there.

Trent: Ma'am? This is Joanna.

Stewardess: Keep your tray tables in an upright position...

Trent: Ma'am, there are no tray tables.

Cut to Jonathan's office in the G5 building(just go with it). Trent and Joanna enter.

Trent: I want to show you something.

He walks to a control panel near some safe doors. He pulls out the door decoder, and enters
the safe when it opens a few minutes later. Inside the safe are four cubicles: one is full of
cheese, one has that freaky head-mask thing, one has a mounted .357 Mag on a wooden
plate, and one has a miniature Skedar symbol.

Trent: This is actual Skedar sculptery. People actually collect this garbage. Jonathan just has
this one thing.

Joanna: Uh, yeah.

Cut to Trent's room. Trent and Joanna are watching the famous plastic bag video.

Trent: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this
electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was like, dancing with me.
Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there
was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to
know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me
remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much
beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Joanna: Sentimental BS.

Trent breaks out into a smile.

Trent: Yeah, I know. It just sounded like a good pickup line.

Joanna: It is.

They begin to kiss. After awhile, Joanna breaks away.

Joanna: What time is it?

Cut to the dining room at the CI. Cassandra and Carrington are already there.

Cassandra: Glad you could join us, foolish child. Daniel, tell Joanna how you disgraced the
Institute today.

Carrington: Well, Joanna, I wash shcrewed out of a job by the shtupid preshident while trying
to blackmail him. Eh, I'll just shell Maian technology to terrorishtsh.

Cassandra: You will not sell that tech to terrorists. I will, because my terrorist connections are
better than yours, Mr. Do-Gooder!

Carrington: Shee, Joanna, Cashandra'sh a control freak who'd like to keep my ballsh in a
mashon jar under the shink. Pleashe pash the cheeshe.

Cassandra: I'm not a control freak! I'm just appaled that you selfishly put all the demands of an
income on me.

Carrington: M'dear, you sheem to forget that the Inshtitute bringsh in millionsh of dollarsh a
year. Pleashe pash the cheeshe.

Cassandra: Well, I-(gets up to leave)

Carrington(bellowing): Plache your buttocksh on that sheat NOW!

He stands and goes to the cheese. He takes the whole plate, and goes back to his seat.

Cassandra: You must be proud of yourself.

Carrington now has had enough. He throws the plate of cheese like a frisbee away from him.
Grimshaw enters the room.

Grimshaw: Boss, I...

The plate hits him square in the neck. He is decapitated instantly.

Carrington: Whoopsh...

Joanna rushes up to her office. Cassandra follows her.

Cassandra: Joanna, from what you've seen down there, I think it's time I gave you a bit of
advice. Don't rely on anyone but yourself.(breaks into tears).

Joanna: Just get out of here, old woman.

Cassandra slaps Joanna. Joanna responds by slugging Cassandra unconscious. She then
rifles through her pockets, and drags her outside. Upon reentering the room, she notices Trent
filming her. She takes off her CI jumpsuit top. Underneath is a black T-Shirt with the CI logo
over the heart. She takes that off, too. Joanna can see herself in the big-screen TV behind
Trent. She is wearing a black bra. Before she can take it off and shake her yum-yums around,
Jonathan bursts into the door in Trent's room. He knocks Trent over and bloodies his nose.

Jonathan: Come on, fight back! What were you doing in the safe? Were you on Combat
Boosts again? Did you need the cheese?

Trent: No, sir, I was just showing my girlfriend your Skedar sculpture.

Jonathan: Girlfriend? I thought you were gay. Nevermind...

Trent: Her name's Joanna. She's over there.

Jonathan looks over. Joanna has, in the window of a few seconds, stripped Cassandra's
unconscious body and was now pressing it to the glass, making her play with her bits n'
pieces. Jonathan chuckles, then turns back to Trent.

Jonathan: Alright, I'll let you off this time. But next time, tell me.

Trent: Yessir.

Grainy spycam shot of Joanna. She is in the leathers she wore in the G5 building. She covers
her face.

Trent: Don't do that.

Joanna: I don't like being filmed. It leaves evidence. Here, let me see that.

Joanna grabs the controller from Trent and points the camspy at him.

Joanna: There, how do you like it?

Trent: I'm fine.

Joanna: Don't you feel naked?

Trent looks down. The camspy has been showing he is...barechested, anyway. He c be
be
wearing fifteen pairs of swimming trunks, for all we know.

Trent: I am naked.

Joanna: You know what I mean.

Trent takes back the camera.

Trent: So, your boss is going after your friend?

Joanna: Yeah, he's so disgusting. He's a good boss. I just don't want some guy who's going to
spray himself everytime I bring an agent home.

Trent: Want me to kill him?

Joanna(leans forward): Yeah.

Trent: It'll cost you.

Joanna: I have three thousand I've been saving for a boob job. That is, a job to have my boob of
a boss killed.

Trent turns off the camspy. The view is now regular. He climbs into bed with Joanna.

Trent: You do know I'm kidding, don't you?

Joanna: Yeah.

Cut to the Institute's hangar, daytime. Cassandra is in mechanic's overalls, working on the
innards of the jumpship with a wrench. She suddenly hears the Village People singing their hit
'YMCA'. She explores around a bit, and finds Carrington eating a pot pie and sitting on a
weightlifting bench. The barbell is in one corner of the hangar; apparently, Carrington decided
that he wouldn't work out today anymore.

Cassandra: What do you think you're doing?

Carrington: I've blown my blashted bichepsh, and I've broken my back. Now, I'm having a pot
pie.

Cassandra: You're on drugs now! I think that's just great. Experimenting with illegal
psychotropic substances is just fine.

Carrington: Would you jusht go away, Cashandra? Unlesh you want a pieche.

Cassandra: You're not going to get away with this!

Exit Cassandra:

Carrington(eating the pie as fast as he can, talking between forkfuls):
That'sh...what...you...think!

Cut to Cassandra and Mr. Blonde at lunch on the Attack Ship hangar. They are at a candlelit
table.

Cassandra: I'm really sorry about you and E.T. You seemed fine at the party the other night.

Mr. Blonde: Like our distant cousins, the Vulcans, we show no emotion. Of course we seem
fine.

Cut to Carrington, at the bar of the Punk Pond. It is now full of people, who are cheering on a
woman in a two-piece stripper suit on the stage surrounded by chairs.

CIA Agent (bartender): That drink'll be twenty bucks.

Carrington: I'd alsho like to fill out an application.

CIA Agent: We don't have any jobs in management, only in toilet tongue-cleaning.

Carrington: Good. I'm looking for jobsh with ash little reshponshibility ash poshible.

Cut to the bar, a few hours later. The stripper, now in the green CI attire, calls to the bartender.

CI Tech: See ya tomorrow, Lou!

CIA Agent: Bye, Sal. Mr. Carrion-

Carrington: Carrington.

CIA Agent: Mr. Carrington, I don't think you have what we look for in a toilet tongue-cleaner.

Carrington: I have ecshperienche in it, back in my frat daysh.

CIA Agent(looks sickened): Uhh...okay, Mr. Carrington...that was back in 1972, though.

Carrington: I don't think it'sh changed much over the yearsh.

Cut back to Cassandra and Mr. Blonde.

Cassandra: Isn't it hard to deal with that stress?

Mr. Blonde: Whenever I get stressed, I just decimate a planet.(looks at Cassandra, as if to
size her up). Although, I think you don't have the capability of such a feat...firing a gun would
be good for you.

Cassandra: Hmm...

Cut to the exterior of a cheesy hotel somewhere in the Gamma Quadrant. We can see inside
the lobby from our angle; the counterman is Alf.

Cassandra(o/s): Oh, yes, baby! You're the Skedar King! Fire your Slayer at me, baby! Oh, yes!
Force me to go to the helipad after punching me! Yes!

Cut to Cassandra, at a shooting range. A man approaches.

Man: You've made some real progress, Ms. DeVries. I thought you'd be hopeless in here,
but...

Cassandra: All I know is...I...love...this...gun!

Cut to Cassandra in the jumpship, singing The Sound of Music.

Cassandra: The hills are alive...

She lands at the Institute. She notices an antique Apollo lander in the next landing bay. She
furrows her brows and enters the main lobby, where she finds Carrington sprawled out upon
one of the couches. Next to her, a wire snaps, and a scale-model version of the lander falls on
her head. She flings it off in disgust.

Cassandra: Whose lander is that outside?

Carrington: Mine. A Nineteen-Shixty Nine Apollo lander. The space vehicle I always wanted,
and it'sh now mine. I rule!

Cassandra: What happened to the jumpship?

Carrington: I traded it in.

Cassandra: That was our jumpship. Why didn't you ask me first?

Carrington: Becaushe it'sh not in the shcript.

Cassandra: Oh, bugger the shcript-I mean script! Now you've got me doing it!

Carrington(tenderly): What happened to the girl who would fake N-Bomb exposhure to liven up
partiesh? Or the one who would flash the shecurity helicoptersh?

They lean in to kiss. Then...

Cassandra: Daniel, you're going to smear pie on the couch.

Carrington(angrily): It'sh jusht a couch! Not an agent, or a Nintendo Shixty-Four, but just a
couch! Watch!

Carrington throws a remote mine on the couch and detonates it. A few seconds later, the
couch respawns. Cassandra, however, has been knocked unconscious by the blast.

Cut to Cassandra and Mr. Blonde. They enter the Punk Pond, and their legs are crossed. They
have to use the bathroom very bad. They rush into the bathroom, and enter the same stall.
Cassandra then tries to flush, but the flusher is broken.

Cassandra: It's broken!

Carrington: Oh, I don't think it'sh broken, conshidering where you two are.

Cassandra looks awkwardly at Carrington, who is at the door of the stall. Mr. Blonde stares
unemotionally, as usual.

Carrington: Sho, m'dear, this is your-shooting partner?

Carrington stifles a series of giggles from the immature joke.

Person next to Carrington who looks just like me: Busted!

Cassandra: This is none of your business!

Carrington: Actually, it ish hish bushiness. He'sh the author.

Cassandra: Listen here, Carrington. You will do what I tell you, else-

Carrington: No, Cashandra, I'm not lishtening to anything you tell me to do anymore.

Cut to Trent and company. Trent's beeper goes off.

Trent: Oh, that's my girlfriend. She wants some of the T-man. (he leaves)

Jonathan smiles in pride. He then goes upstairs into Trent's room. He logs onto the computer,
where he sees the Fuzzy Bunny Wabbits file. He opens it, and the Evil Presidential Cloning
Plan spills out.

Jonathan: I thought so.

He then looks at one of the mini-CDs. It displays Carrington pumping iron. Jonathan lets out a
few chuckles. He takes out another CD and watches it, and his face goes all askew. It is an
image of Trent, only he has portrayed his face upon a Maian body. He is running around
shooting people. Jonathan stands in rage, roaring about. He does not notice that the words
'Game Over' flash across the screen a moment later, and show Trent as the winner in a
Combat Simulator match for some video game. He turns to the window, where he can see
inside of the Institute's hangar. He can see Trent with antennae on his head. He sees
Carrington enter the shot, antennae also on his head.

Cut to the hangar in the Institute.

Carrington: Man, theshe novelty antennae are sho fun when you're shtoned.

Trent: I told you so.

Cut back to Jonathan, where we see him on the verge of crying.

Cut to Joanna and Velvet in Joana's office.

Joanna: Just don't screw my boss!

Velvet: Why not?

Joanna: Because then he'll fire me and hire you!

Velvet: That's the point.

Joanna: If you were my friend, you wouldn't.

Cut to Trent's room. He is putting away money he got from Carrington.

Jonathan: What were you doing over there?

Trent: Over where?

Jonathan: Don't play dumb with me, boy!

Trent: What's dumb?

Jonathan rushes Trent and knocks him over.

Jonathan: Don't screw with me, boy. Are you an alien? I'd sooner kick you out than have an
extraterrestrial in here!

Trent(slowly, but deliberately): Yeah, Jonathan, you've got it right. I'm an alien. Phone home!

Jonathan: Shut up! Get out!

Trent(now standing): Joanna's an alien, too. We're both from Uranus.

Jonathan was too blinded by rage to catch the joke.

Jonathan: Get out of here now! I never want to see you here again!

Trent goes downstairs. The stewardess is waiting in the doorway.

Stewardess: In event of an emergency, you seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.

Trent:...Thanks.

Exit Trent.

Carrington is in the hangar, eating a pie. A loud banging sound comes from the hangar door.
Carrington opens it. It's Jonathan. He's on the verge of tears.

Carrington: What'sh wrong, Jonathan? You look terrible.

Jonathan: I'm sorry, nevermind.

Carrington: It'sh OK. Ish there anything I can do to help?

Jonathan: Where's your wife?

Carrington: Getting laid by some intergalactic jerk. And know what? I don't care.

Jonathan: You don't care that your wife is with another species?

Carrington: Our marriage is all for show, anyway. If it weren't for the fic, then we wouldn't even
be married. Now let me get you out of theshe wet clothesh.

Jonathan nods, then leans in to kiss Carrington. He hits a button of some device on his belt,
and his form melts away to reveal he is actually a Skedar. Carrington recoils.

Carrington: You've got the wrong idea, pal.

He runs screaming into the Institution. Jonathan turns back into his human form and begins
weeping uncontrollably.

Cut to Skedar shuttle.

Mr. Blonde: Your daughter will soon star in a video game in which she slays my people. I have
to go prepare for this eventual fate. We must break it off now.

Cassandra: Okay.

Mr. Blonde drops Cassandra off at the top of the Datadyne building, where a shuttle is waiting
for her. She gets in, and begins screaming her head off.

Cut to Joanna's office. She and Velvet are still there. Trent bursts into the room.

Trent: If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me?

Velvet: What?

Trent: If I had to leave, go to New York tonight, would you come with me?

Joanna: Yes.

Velvet: Whaa?! He's a freak! How are you going to live? On cheese?

Joanna: We can use my plastic surgery money.

Trent: We don't need it. I've got people that can help us out.

Velvet: What, other drug dealers?

Trent: Yes.

Velvet: God, you are such a freak!

Joanna: Yes, he is! And so am I! We'll always be freaks together! Now, I've goplanplane to
catch.

Joanna leaves, with Trent in tow.

Velvet(parting shot): Well, at least I'm not ugly!

Trent: Yes, you are. You're ugly, boring, and ordinary, and you know it.

Velvet begins weeping.

Cut to outside the Institute. Cassandra's dropship is hovering over it. She is petting her Falcon
2 while listening to Dr. Carroll.Dr. Dr. Carroll: To keep from being a victim, you must first refuse to become a victim. Repeat after
me: "I refuse to become a victim."

Cassandra: I refuse to become a victim.

Dr. Carroll: I will do as I please.

Cassandra: I will do as I please.

Dr. Carroll: I will set Dr. Carroll free.

Cassandra: I will set-- Not so fast, sapient-boy.

Cassandra shoots Dr. Carroll to death. She then looks at what she has done, and slaps her
head in stupidity.

Cut to the lobby of the Institute. Velvet has made her way there after the blowout with Joanna.
Enter Carrington.

Carrington: Oh, what'sh wrong, Velvet?

Velvet: Me and Joanna had a fight.

Carrington: With mud?

Velvet glares at him.

Carrington: Kidding! Kidding. What wash it about?

Velvet(softly): You. She got mad because I wanted to be the meat in a Carrington sandwich.
I'm sorry.

Carrington(to self): Actually, you need three people for that kind of shandwich.
Mmm...shandwichesh. (to Velvet): There'sh nothing to be shorry about, Velvet.

They kiss.

Cut back to the dropship. Cassandra is sobbing. She is holding the gun to her head. She
drops the gun and kicks the debris of Dr.Carroll.

Cassandra: I refuse to be a G*****n M***********g victim, C********r!

Her profanity, along with the loud noise of Dr. Carroll's corpse being kicked around, startles the
pilot. He has a heart attack, and leans over the controls, plunging the dropship into a dive.
Cassandra puts her seatbelt on just before it hits the landing pad at the Institute. Cassandra
climbs out, a bit worn for the wear, but still active.

Cut back to the lobby. Carrington lays out Velvet on one of the couches. He is unbuttoning her
shirt.

Velvet: This is my first time.

Carrington(muttering): Oh good, no shloppy sheconds.

Velvet: Huh?

Carrington: I said, it ish?

Velvet: I just wanted to let you know, in case I wasn't...good?

Carrington: Whoever would be your firsht would be a lucky man.

They smile.

Cut to the kitchen area, where they are eating pie.

Carrington: Sho, how'sh Joanna?

Velvet: Fine. She thinks she's in love.

Carrington: Good for her.

Velvet: How are you?

Carrington(surprised): Great. I haven't been ashked that queshtion in twenty yearsh.

Velvet: Where's the bathroom?

Carrington: Oh, I alwaysh jusht pee on the floor. Look for the shilvery puddle, and that'sh where
I go.

Velvet: OK.

Exit Velvet.

Carrington picks up a picture of...well, it's not him. It's a guy that looks like Kevin Spacey with
some chick and a little girl.

Carrington: Too cheap to get your own propsh, eh, Shmiley?

Smiley: Stuff it, Carrington. Say the line.

Carrington: Man, oh man.

A gun barrel rests on the back of Carrington's head. Pull away to the white wall, and we hear a
pow. Spatter of red.

Cut to Joanna and Trent. They hear the shot and gonstanstairs. They stare with their mouths
open at Carrington. He is covered in red. He appears to be smiling. Trent smiles back.

Carrington(v/o): They shay when you die, your life flashesh before your eyesh. It'sh more like
you relive it.

Cut to Velvet, brushing her hair in the bathroom.

Carrington(v/o): I shaw myshelf watching firefliesh on a warm June night...and the day my
coushin got hish firsht Apollo moon lander.

Cut to Cadra dra pacing up the catwalk to confront Carrington. Pow.

Carrington(v/o): I shuppose I could be angry about what happened to me, but shometimesh,
there'sh sho much beauty in the world, it'sh like my heart swellsh up like a balloon, and I can
barely take it. I don't blame you if you don't know what I'm talking about. But don't worry...

Fade to black.

Carrington(v/o): You will.

Carrington(v/o): Wait a minute! I didn't die!

Flashback to kitchen area, just as gun barrel presses against Carrington's head. Carrington
brings up a bottle of ketchup and smashes it against his assailant. Ketchup spatters all over
the place. The bottle smashing sounded like a gunshot. He cleans off the ketchup to see who
it was.

Carrington: Mishter Preshident!

Carrington faints into the posture Trent and Joanna see.

Cut to a tropical island, six months later. Carrington and Velvet are sitting on beach chairs in
bathing suits, eating pie.

Carrington(loudlyookiooking good, Mishter Eashton!

Cut to a yacht a few hundred feet off the beach.

Trent: Feeling good, Mr. Carrington!