Kai Leng's Sex Tapes

Commander Jane Shepard opened her email.

From: Kai Leng

Subject: Disloyalty

Hey there Jane. Do you mind if I call you Jane? It's me, your old buddy Kai Leng. You know, the guy who you keep trying and failing to kill. You know, because I'm better than you.

So way back when Cerberus was bringing you back from the dead, the Illusive Man mentioned the possibility of you and me being on a collision course. While I hoped he meant a collision course for the bedroom – because let's face it, I'm fucking gorgeous and you want me – I also had to consider that it was maybe the less sexy kind of collision.

So I started this little side project. I thought to myself, what makes the great commander Shepard so great? Loyalty. The famous loyalty of her crew, who would fight and die with her, and who she has a bad habit of sleeping with.

So I wanted to test that loyalty. And by "test" I mean "have sex with," and "loyalty," I mean "crew". How would the great commander Shepard feel after she's seen half of her devoted followers bouncing on the cock of the guy who tried to kill her? Pretty awful, I bet. And let's face it, you've picked up some smokin' hotties along the way.

So, Shepard. Ready to see your crew in a whole new light?

Shepard's brow furrowed in rage.

"Kai fucking Leng...."

P.S. By the end of this little video series, you'll be begging for a ride on the Leng express (because I am amazing at sex, and you will be the only woman you know who hasn't fucked me).

There was a video attached to the email. Curiosity overwhelming her, Shepard tentatively opened it. It showed Kai Leng, standing in a hotel room.

"So, if you're wondering how I managed to video me fucking all of your followers senseless, let me introduce you to my little friends." He gestured over to a pair of camera drones, floating at his left side. "These are my helpers; I call them "Camera One" and "Camera Two." I know, very creative. I am a true poet. Camera One, stealth mode."

In a blink, the camera went completely invisible.

"It's the same cloaking technology used by Alliance infiltrators, scaled down for a video drone. These little guys go with me everywhere, and have been programmed to capture every inch of the Kai Leng experience."

"See you soon, Shepard."