Meaning of a Dream

“There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.”

-William James

—-

It baffled him.

In all the years Asbel Lhant had lived, no situation as puzzling had ever come his way until now.  He was formerly a knight candidate, a hero of the known world, and returned as the lord of his hometown by the age of 19 to boot.   Now 20 yet still unmarried- much to his mother’s displeasure- one could at least assume that he had a better understanding of the ways of the world.

Well, perhaps that would sound far too conceited.  But at least when it came to his life, he should be capable of understanding it at his age, right?  Those physical changes?  Or perhaps his emotions?

“Haaaaah….” Asbel sighed deeply as his eyes drooped at the sight of the paper work that piled on his work table due to his negligence.

“Asbel’s happiness is escaping.” perked a voice from across the table.

“Sophie…” the young lord of Lhant blinked at the sight of his adopted daughter.

Sophie Lhant was sitting from across his work table and had a small pile of paperwork in her hands.  Her age indefinable yet she looked no older than she did in the events of a little over a year prior.   Her long light purple hair was done up in a fancy braid and bun combination, likely one of his mother’s works.  In all honesty, Asbel was starting to miss the sight of the old pig tails with what his mother had been doing to the poor girl after her sudden physical aging. 

His adopted daughter was helping sort the pages according to where each would go.  It was something she had volunteered to do many times before and came naturally at this point when things got too cluttered on his desk.  However, he did not remember asking her to help him that afternoon.

“In the past hour you’ve already sighed more than fifteen times, Asbel.  The Captain says that each time you sigh, you chase away happiness.” Sophie explained a-matter-of-factly while she picked up another pile from the desk, “If you keep doing that, happiness might stay away forever.”

“…. Uh.” The auburn haired male frowned slightly. “You’ve been there that long? And what in the world has the Captain been telling you in his letters?”

“Frederick said that your mind was wandering, and even your mother is getting worried.  You missed lunch again, and you barely ate breakfast to begin with.  So they asked me to check on you.”

“Those meddlers.” Asbel grumbled as he averted his gaze sharply to the side.

He had wondered why the two did not show their face to him after breakfast.  In fact, even his mother had kept her distance and had even stopped asking about the status of his marriage for almost a week now.

“Cheria.”

The name alone caused him to tense.  He knew it.  He knew where this was leading to.  Asbel sat up straight to face the glance of the woman across from him and prepared himself for a nagging.  Surprisingly, it did not come.

“W-what about—“

“She said won’t be back for a while.” Sophie continued calmly as she continued to sort the materials with precision and efficiency. “She said to look after you while she’s gone, remind you to stop and eat, serve you tea, tell you to bathe before you smell like Pascal, and dry your hair before you go to bed at night.”

“Oh.” Asbel mouthed in surprise.

It had finally happened.  Cheria had left.

 “She was worried, Asbel.  Really worried…”

It had been over a month since he spent time with the pink haired woman alone.  He could not even remember as to when they last exactly spoke that did not contain a question of how the other was doing, or if he was eating well, or even if he was getting sick.

That aside, Sophie bringing Cheria up only meant one thing. Even the young woman before him noticed.  She must have known the wavering of his resolution and now, Sophie who had only begun to live her life normally was being considerate of him and worrying over his relationship with his childhood friend. 

“I’m sorry, Sophie.”

The feeling that clenched at his heart, he knew what it was.

It was guilt.

“Asbel.”

He felt guilt.

“…Asbel…”

“Let’s take a break, Asbel.” Sophie piped up cheerfully as she got up from her chair and quickly grabbed his hand. “Let’s go see the flowers!”

 

---

 

It was a dream.

“Asbel.”

That voice was low and familiar, brimming with certain loneliness that he also knew, and would call for him in the darkness of the room.  However, he did not respond.  He remained still in the darkness and said nothing. 

What followed was the sensation of heat, a presence coming closer and joining him on his bed.  There would be the shuffling of clothes, a feathering touch… and the loud thumping of his heart beat deafening his ears.  The source of that sweet voice would lean forward and speak yet again.

“…Asbel…”

Lips touched and he would raise a hand to comb through fair-coloured hair that tickled his skin as they brushed on his face.  They were soft locks of a golden yellow, long and silky to the touch, and smelled of roses.  This familiar face, with the familiar touch that leaned over him, he would accept it, and accept it.  He dared not refuse.  He could not refuse.

Hands tangled as the mood intensified.  Heat from their skin melded with every contact and his breath hitched as they exchanged glances.  There was a clear sense of want behind those clear amber eyes.  It was something he knew, but something he feared to face. 

From there his hands would be taken away, pinned at either side of his head, and lips and teeth would scrape at a bare collar bone.  A small sound would escape his lips, causing the one above him to smirk.

“No need to hold back.”

And the dream would continue.

The gentleness stopped and each movement felt clumsy and almost desperate.  He would be exposed shamefully with legs spread open and something hard pressed against his rear.  His eyes would search out the other in fear and anxiety.  And perhaps even some anticipation.  Those unknown feelings that his body received, the intentions behind each touch, were they something he wished for?  Or were they just the lies of a dream?

Soon enough, those questions would matter so little as what followed was pain.  The sensations of chaffing skin against skin were so vivid to the point of madness.  His body lurched as he tried to hold back a shout from the uncomfortable feeling and the touch that returned from those memorable hands was gentle as the voice that followed it.

 “Asbel, relax.”

Despite it all, he still did not scream to stop.  He still did not refuse.  He did not want to refuse.  Instead, he glanced up tearfully at the one before him, a solemn gaze that was aware of the hurt he felt turned down to him in return.  He would bow his head, blinking away the droplets of tears away from his eyes and this presence would lean even closer and kiss them from his skin..

“I’m… fine.” Asbel would weakly whisper. “But it… hurts.”

“I know, Asbel.” The presence would return. “I’m sorry.”

Voices and heavy breaths joined the sounds of the bed shifting from every rough action, and everything would echo in the darkness that surrounded them.  He clung to the body before him even as he continued to feel every kiss upon his skin, and every forward thrust.  He wanted to cry out.

“Asbel…”

The voice would continue to call back with every breath, causing his already delirious mind to be clouded further by the alien-like sensations that engulfed his body.  He knew it would not take long.  Being taken away in such heights could only last so much before it became painful.  It was painful.

And being with this person… was painful enough.  Yet, being without this person was…

“Asbel…”

… without him,he—

“….. Asbel… I lo—“

 

---

 

“ASBEL!”

The Lord of the city of Lhant flinched upon the sharp tone that called for him.  He blinked stupidly at a familiar purplish pink flower that hung over his eyes and then to the young woman holding it towards him.  They had taken a walk towards Lhant hill to escape from his duties if only for a few hours.  During the time they were there, Asbel had somehow ended up falling asleep in the middle of the meadow while Sophie had been gathering flowers into a wreath… or so?

He blinked up at her to notice a flower wreath on her head, another hanging on her left arm, and yet another in the process in her hands.

 “Asbel, are you okay? Your mind is wandering again.” The woman asked with deeply furrowed brows even as she watched him move to sit up. “Are you feeling sick?”

 “So…phie?” he repeated hesitantly before his face slowly burned as he came to realize something.

Asbel bowed his head, holding up a fisted hand towards his face in a futile attempt to hide flustered expression.  This feeling…

This was guilt.

‘How shameless…’ his thoughts nagged him. ‘How could I be so shameless?’

Sophie had now settled herself before her adoptive father; the wreath she was working on was now forgotten at the side while she watched him quietly in pity.  She placed a hand on the top of his head and stroked it gently. 

“Don’t you like Cheria anymore, Asbel?” the woman finally asked and caused Asbel to freeze once again.

Over the months, his illness had turned worse.  He agonized over his own ethics and questioned his own morals as that strange dream continued to visit him over and over. Now, it was more than apparent to everyone that something was going wrong. 

That certain dream kept haunting the young lord almost every night and in turn made him restless which led to the loss of his sleep and his appetite diminishing smaller at each passing day.  He could not make heads or tails at first of what was happening, but once he thought he had, denial followed.

It should not take a genius to understand what that dream was.

Cheria was the first to notice.  And how could she not?  All the years she had loved him with every fiber of her life.  She repeated it not in words, but in actions.  But in the end, all his mind could return was such shameless desires for someone else. 

That right. That was what he called it at first.  It was nothing but a desire.

But for such a strong desire to drive him into such a corner, it was nothing short of betrayal of Cheria’s love for him.  This was the guilt he felt.  This was his shame.

Cheria loved him and he loved her as well.  However, the love he felt was not the sort that she wished for.  It was not the love he thought it out to be.  It was not the sort that could satisfy her.  And so, Cheria noticed and she left.  She was the one that stepped back with the wish that she did not want to drive him into a corner.

“I love her.” Asbel answered truthfully, “ But I…”

Sophie moved her hand away and made herself comfortable so that she could be eye to eye with the older man as much as possible.  She sat there and waited silently, until Asbel had a moment to calm himself.

“The captain said,” she finally started as she took one of his hands that lay open on his lap. “That a person can love many people.  All sorts of love can be born from just meeting someone as love can take on many shapes.  A pure love, a love for a friend, different shapes of love.” 

She pulled his hand to her cheek and Asbel could not help but turn his glance at his beloved daughter.

“I love you, Asbel.  But I love everyone as well.  You, Cheria, Hubert, Pascal, Captain Malik, and everyone in Lhant.”  

“I love you too, Sophie.” Asbel tried to counter only to have the woman’s free hand press against his lips.

“I know that.  But our love for each other is different from your love for Cheria and Cheria’s love for you.  In the end, there is only one person you can really love with all your being.  We can’t force that to change.”  Sophie continued in a calm and understanding tone. “But the Captain also said that there’s a trick to know who it is you want to love with all that you are.  He said I should close my eyes and the first person that comes to mind is the answer.  It’s simple, right?”

“Sophie…” Asbel murmured as his chest welled with admiration.

Just what could this woman and Malik Ceasar have been discussing behind his back?

“But Asbel, what do you think?” she asked with a kind smile. “When you close your eyes and think of someone you want to say special words to with all your heart, to say I love you over and over, who is the person that comes to mind?”

To think this girl would be the one to say such words to him.  Has it really been that long since she looked no older than a fourteen year old?  That she tilted her head at every term and asked questions left and right?

Now, she was advising him at his time of trouble.

“Asbel…”

He closed his eyes.

“….. Asbel…”

And a weak chuckle escaped his lips.

“Yeah…It’s simple.” he brushed the back of his hand on her cheek while the other took away Sophie’s hand from his mouth. “Thanks, Sophie.”

She grinned and tilted her head slightly to the side.

“Captain Malik is really good with advice, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.” Asbel nodded. “…Really good.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.” he nodded yet again and finally returned that smile, “Hey, Sophie?”

“Hm?” she blinked at him curiously even as he continued to touch her cheek.

“Can I ask who comes to mind when you close your eyes?”

The girl paused as if observing his face intently only to break into a broad grin while she tilted her head to the side once again.

“It’s a secret.”

A real laugh escaped him this time, almost to the point of tears due to how endearing the purple-haired woman was.   

“Is that so? Sorry, then.” He chuckled before giving her cheek a light squeeze and pulling her to a hug, “Don’t grow up too fast, okay?  I don’t think your father’s heart can take it right now.”

While he did mean it as a joke, a slight tone of sadness hid in his voice.  Sophie’s words did sound simple, but Asbel did not feel so confident about his judgment.  At least, not now.  To understand what was going on always took time and having to deal with a daughter’s love problems may just be too high a level from him to reach at this point.  Not when he had his own to overcome.

And there was a sense of relief.  It was overwhelming that the tears he wished to shed were slowly making their way to his eyes. He understood what it was but could not accept it.  But by refusing to face his selfishness, he began to hurt others even more.  Just when was he ever going to learn?

However, Asbel had no wish to worry Sophie anymore.  He should only thank her.  For speaking such unfamiliar yet wise words, for her patience, and for looking out for him.  And maybe even consider thanking that damned Captain of his. 

Starting tomorrow he should seek Cheria out.  They should talk, and get out what was true, what was right, and what was fair into perspective.  It was the first small step before facing the rest of his troubles.  Once they work it out, or if they ever work it out, then he will face him.

Asbel will seek out that presence in that dream, with the familiar voice and that familiar loneliness.  He will stop running away from those strange emotions and take the first step into that boat towards Barona. 

 Sophie blinked up at Asbel who had stopped moving after embracing her.  Noticing the poignant expression he was trying so hard to hide and even the slight glittering at the corners of his eyes.  She merely wrapped her arms around her father’s torso in return, squeezing him lightly and snuggling close to his chest.

“You’re silly, Asbel.  I don’t think I’ll grow any older than this.”

“I see.” He spoke in a voice that slightly shook.

It was simple, right?  That was what Sophie had said.  So again, Asbel closed his eyes.

“… Asbel… I love you.”

… It really was.