Mass Defect
folder
+M through R › Mass Effect
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
2,232
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
+M through R › Mass Effect
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
2,232
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
Do do not own Mass Effect or characters from it. I do not make money from writing this.
Mass Defect
MASS DEFECT
Proulouge:
Lane and Hunter Bryant are average fraternal twin tweens playing Mass Effect 2 in their blended family's Pulte McMansion when all of a sudden everything became past tense as they were sucked through a Microsoft dimensional vortex INTO the game they were playing!
Book Two Chapter One: Superfluous Divisions Lend A Modicum of Epical Epicness ...elipsis...
As they stood in the Council Chambers of the Presidium on the Citadel, a massive space station where the Galactic Council presides over the galaxy, needless subordinate clauses were being formed throughout the galaxy, in no small part due to the fact that, but perhaps despite the fact that Mark Twain, born one Samuel Clemens, and known for his lengthy, meandering paragraphs, was dead, the Galactic Council was presently not Presiding over the Galaxy at the Presidium on the Citadel, a massive space station the made Jump Zero look like Apache Junction, Arizona, Lane and Hunter Bryant cast bespectacled gazes at the spectacular visage of a man at-gaze, gazing directly through their spectacular spectacles (Lane's frames were of a particularly juicy couture.)
“No,” Lane said, paused eight seconds for emphasis and continued, “way!”
“It's the default male Shepard!,” Hunter displayed his penchant for blaring the obvious!
“He sounds like Mark Meer but looks like Mark Vanderloo!” Lane swooned.
“This is just like that movie 'Jumanji!'” Hunter opined.
“That movie is old school! It's like from like the 90s or something lol.” She lolled. She lol'ed
“Vapid snarking!”
“High five!”
“I hate to interrupt the author's best attempt at realistic dialouge,” Shepard interrupted, “but can someone tell me just what the hell is going on?”
Garrus stepped into frame, riding an explosion of dextro-amino acid awesome, and standing a man-sized insect-lizard-crab-thing among men, “These two children were enjoying a computer representation of our reality when a Microsoft dimensional vortex opened up and landed them here.”
Shepard deadpanned, “Your knowledge of this is inexplicable.”
“I do my best.” When Joker is not around Garrus is the wise-ass.
Lightyears away, a hamster died in New Canton, confusing Shepard once again, “Can somebody remind just what the hell we were doing?”
“Racking up renegade points,” reminded whats-his-nuts. Oh yeah, Kaiden Alenko, “Which I don't really believe in, but I mean, you can go ahead, I'll just watch.”
“Like hell you will,” glowered Shepard.
“I. Won't watch?”
“Like hell you will,” glowered Shepard.
“Ok, I get it. I mean, I'm not really sure what you want me to do.”
“You remember that part on Feros where you have to get out of the Mako, but if you turn the other way you can go down into the lava and I ordered you and Wrex into the lava and you guys both walked into the lava and died and kept coming back to life and dying over and over again and I couldn't rally you back to me because every time you guys woke up the lava killed you again?” reminded Shepard.
“Yes, I remember that,” Kaiden said bemusedly
Shepard shook his head, “I thought you died on Virmire,” he glowered.
“Ashley's sacrifice won't-”
“Like hell it will.”
Saren executed a perfect 180 shove-it and ollied his hoverboard over to the group, “Hey you guys stopped stopping me from ending humanity!”
“No one can stop you when you ride that thing. No one.” Garrus wisaeasssed
“That's because you guys are campers.”
“Like hell they are!” Hunter emulated.
“Campessaywhat.”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Shepard clenched his fists as his jaw clenched as a hamster was flushed down the toilet in New Canton, and turned away from Saren. His eyelids clenched shut as he try his gosh-darned hardest to emote something, anything, that would make him a relatable character. Finally, internally conceding his failure to be human, and realizing the irony of being surrounded by a cast of alien characters, that, over the course of 30 hours or sometimes 20, proved to be more human than him, and not just because they could speak perfect English without a trace of a Canadian accent, he turned his head dramatically and said over his shoulder, “Hey Saren. Why don't you just kill yourself?”
Defeated by the magic of Shepard reasoning, Saren dropped to one knee and clutched his soul like Achilles as if an arrow had struck Achilles not in a calcaneal tendon but rather somewhere near the middle of his chest. Saren unclutched his soul and drew a pistol, hefting it like a hollow piece of plastic, and said,
Intermission – Saren's Soliloquy
“I was going to convince the children to show me how to use the dimensional vortex. Once it was mine, I was going to bring Harbinger to Microsoft and let them all have lunch or something. They have so much in common. But you know, you're right. Now that you say it, you're right. It's out there and you're right. It's really the only option. But it's a final one. And you're going to miss me. It's not like I'm going to like come back in a zombified state or anything. Right? Oh by the way, the next one is a reboot of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and you fight a giant human skeleton at the end.” Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or whatever.”
Chapter Fin – The Last Chapter, The Book, The Chapter
The report of the pistol's last shot was high and brittle in timbre, and as it rang out, Saren's head burst into vapor, his body slumped to the ground in slow ass motion and his Livestrong band totally slipped off his wrist.
“Don't lose your head.” SHEPARD LOLED.
Epilogue – Mile High Club
“Use the seats as cover. Speed is essential; fall into a pattern of clearing rows of targets, then move on. Use flash-bangs whenever you enter each compartment. When you climb the stairs and clear the room after, you'll get a few more. Reload only when you need to, it takes up valuable time; if you can't reach the stairs before the counter reaches one minute you won't have enough time to rescue the VIP. Might as well give up.” Shepard glowered.
“Shepard, that's not what we asked,” David Anderson chided, as one would when dealing with a very old person or very young child. “We need to know what happened in during the final epic battle with the main guy. The council is waiting for you to make your statement.”
Indeed, the representatives of each species cast expectant stares upon him. It made them all look pregnant.
Shepard, accustomed to dressing to the left and only now realizing he had dressed to the right this morning, narrowed his eyes, cracked his knuckles, clenched his jaw, belched, cracked his neck, shadow boxed, smoked a cigarette, enjoyed it, broke up with his fiance, got a dog, a rotweiler, trained it to sic, tied it to a stake out front, it ran away, he cried, and then cried some more realizing he felt something, anything, and for a moment it engendered a quantum of pathos in his audience, he composed himself, and said finally, his glowering countenance filling the frame, “Like hell they are.”
CUT TO BLACK.
Proulouge:
Lane and Hunter Bryant are average fraternal twin tweens playing Mass Effect 2 in their blended family's Pulte McMansion when all of a sudden everything became past tense as they were sucked through a Microsoft dimensional vortex INTO the game they were playing!
Book Two Chapter One: Superfluous Divisions Lend A Modicum of Epical Epicness ...elipsis...
As they stood in the Council Chambers of the Presidium on the Citadel, a massive space station where the Galactic Council presides over the galaxy, needless subordinate clauses were being formed throughout the galaxy, in no small part due to the fact that, but perhaps despite the fact that Mark Twain, born one Samuel Clemens, and known for his lengthy, meandering paragraphs, was dead, the Galactic Council was presently not Presiding over the Galaxy at the Presidium on the Citadel, a massive space station the made Jump Zero look like Apache Junction, Arizona, Lane and Hunter Bryant cast bespectacled gazes at the spectacular visage of a man at-gaze, gazing directly through their spectacular spectacles (Lane's frames were of a particularly juicy couture.)
“No,” Lane said, paused eight seconds for emphasis and continued, “way!”
“It's the default male Shepard!,” Hunter displayed his penchant for blaring the obvious!
“He sounds like Mark Meer but looks like Mark Vanderloo!” Lane swooned.
“This is just like that movie 'Jumanji!'” Hunter opined.
“That movie is old school! It's like from like the 90s or something lol.” She lolled. She lol'ed
“Vapid snarking!”
“High five!”
“I hate to interrupt the author's best attempt at realistic dialouge,” Shepard interrupted, “but can someone tell me just what the hell is going on?”
Garrus stepped into frame, riding an explosion of dextro-amino acid awesome, and standing a man-sized insect-lizard-crab-thing among men, “These two children were enjoying a computer representation of our reality when a Microsoft dimensional vortex opened up and landed them here.”
Shepard deadpanned, “Your knowledge of this is inexplicable.”
“I do my best.” When Joker is not around Garrus is the wise-ass.
Lightyears away, a hamster died in New Canton, confusing Shepard once again, “Can somebody remind just what the hell we were doing?”
“Racking up renegade points,” reminded whats-his-nuts. Oh yeah, Kaiden Alenko, “Which I don't really believe in, but I mean, you can go ahead, I'll just watch.”
“Like hell you will,” glowered Shepard.
“I. Won't watch?”
“Like hell you will,” glowered Shepard.
“Ok, I get it. I mean, I'm not really sure what you want me to do.”
“You remember that part on Feros where you have to get out of the Mako, but if you turn the other way you can go down into the lava and I ordered you and Wrex into the lava and you guys both walked into the lava and died and kept coming back to life and dying over and over again and I couldn't rally you back to me because every time you guys woke up the lava killed you again?” reminded Shepard.
“Yes, I remember that,” Kaiden said bemusedly
Shepard shook his head, “I thought you died on Virmire,” he glowered.
“Ashley's sacrifice won't-”
“Like hell it will.”
Saren executed a perfect 180 shove-it and ollied his hoverboard over to the group, “Hey you guys stopped stopping me from ending humanity!”
“No one can stop you when you ride that thing. No one.” Garrus wisaeasssed
“That's because you guys are campers.”
“Like hell they are!” Hunter emulated.
“Campessaywhat.”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Shepard clenched his fists as his jaw clenched as a hamster was flushed down the toilet in New Canton, and turned away from Saren. His eyelids clenched shut as he try his gosh-darned hardest to emote something, anything, that would make him a relatable character. Finally, internally conceding his failure to be human, and realizing the irony of being surrounded by a cast of alien characters, that, over the course of 30 hours or sometimes 20, proved to be more human than him, and not just because they could speak perfect English without a trace of a Canadian accent, he turned his head dramatically and said over his shoulder, “Hey Saren. Why don't you just kill yourself?”
Defeated by the magic of Shepard reasoning, Saren dropped to one knee and clutched his soul like Achilles as if an arrow had struck Achilles not in a calcaneal tendon but rather somewhere near the middle of his chest. Saren unclutched his soul and drew a pistol, hefting it like a hollow piece of plastic, and said,
Intermission – Saren's Soliloquy
“I was going to convince the children to show me how to use the dimensional vortex. Once it was mine, I was going to bring Harbinger to Microsoft and let them all have lunch or something. They have so much in common. But you know, you're right. Now that you say it, you're right. It's out there and you're right. It's really the only option. But it's a final one. And you're going to miss me. It's not like I'm going to like come back in a zombified state or anything. Right? Oh by the way, the next one is a reboot of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and you fight a giant human skeleton at the end.” Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or whatever.”
Chapter Fin – The Last Chapter, The Book, The Chapter
The report of the pistol's last shot was high and brittle in timbre, and as it rang out, Saren's head burst into vapor, his body slumped to the ground in slow ass motion and his Livestrong band totally slipped off his wrist.
“Don't lose your head.” SHEPARD LOLED.
Epilogue – Mile High Club
“Use the seats as cover. Speed is essential; fall into a pattern of clearing rows of targets, then move on. Use flash-bangs whenever you enter each compartment. When you climb the stairs and clear the room after, you'll get a few more. Reload only when you need to, it takes up valuable time; if you can't reach the stairs before the counter reaches one minute you won't have enough time to rescue the VIP. Might as well give up.” Shepard glowered.
“Shepard, that's not what we asked,” David Anderson chided, as one would when dealing with a very old person or very young child. “We need to know what happened in during the final epic battle with the main guy. The council is waiting for you to make your statement.”
Indeed, the representatives of each species cast expectant stares upon him. It made them all look pregnant.
Shepard, accustomed to dressing to the left and only now realizing he had dressed to the right this morning, narrowed his eyes, cracked his knuckles, clenched his jaw, belched, cracked his neck, shadow boxed, smoked a cigarette, enjoyed it, broke up with his fiance, got a dog, a rotweiler, trained it to sic, tied it to a stake out front, it ran away, he cried, and then cried some more realizing he felt something, anything, and for a moment it engendered a quantum of pathos in his audience, he composed himself, and said finally, his glowering countenance filling the frame, “Like hell they are.”
CUT TO BLACK.