The Renegade Amused

"Welcome back, Commander, Garrus. Hello, Lieutenant," Joker grinned at Hayden. "By the way, Lieutenant, you have some mail. We put it in the Commander's quarters for you."
"What?" Kaidan demanded. "Joker? What?"
"Let's go read your mail," said Hayden slowly.
"There's mail for you, too, Commander." Joker couldn't stop smiling.
"Uh oh," said Hayden quietly.
"How do I have mail here?" asked Kaidan.
"Well, er… I think my boss might have had something to do with it. Let's go read our mail."
Garrus looked at Hayden. "You told Cerberus what you were doing?"
"No, I just told The Illusive Man some stuff. I was trying not to leave any loose ends." Hayden walked to the elevator, assuming that Kaidan and Garrus would follow.
"This ship is really big," Kaidan muttered. "What is Joker doing here?"
"I'm piloting the ship, Lieutenant, and I'm sitting right here."
"Will you stop saying that?"
Joker just smiled.
"Maybe we should get going?" Garrus pulled Kaidan away. Kaidan shrank nervously from the stares of the Cerberus crew, and Garrus put a comforting arm around him, and led him to the elevator.
"Hey, watch your hands," muttered Kaidan.
Garrus grinned.
"No, seriously," said Kaidan as the elevator started. "When did you develop a thing for Humans?"
"I don't have a thing for Humans," Garrus protested. "Just Hayden. And you." He put his arm around Kaidan again, and let Kaidan lean against him while they rode the elevator. "You smell nice."
Kaidan laughed quietly.
The door opened, and Hayden grinned at the two men, leaning comfortably on each other. "Were you two making out? Is that what took you long?"
Kaidan blushed, and Garrus laughed.
"No, we were not making out," Kaidan walked into her cabin. "Wow. Cerberus sure knows how to build a ship." He stared at the pile of bags on the floor. "What the hell?"
"Congratulations!" blurted Hayden, and shoved a datapad into his hands. "You've been reassigned! And demoted!" She made a cheering noise and ran into the bathroom.
"What?" said Garrus in shock.
"That bastard," muttered Kaidan, as he started reading the message. "Oh, that – I should have killed him when I had the chance."
"That's the kind of attitude towards your superior officers that gets you demoted!" Hayden called from the bathroom.
Garrus took the datapad and read it for himself while Kaidan threw himself on the bed. "Oh, ouch. Insubordination, Kaidan? Really?"
"Oh, you're one to talk," snarled Kaidan, and threw a pillow at Garrus.
"What the – what's with everyone throwing things at me?" Garrus threw the pillow back.
Hayden stepped out of the bathroom, wearing her shipboard outfit, a plain unadorned technician's tunic, her hair slowly drying in the air-conditioned room. "Do you want to take a shower, Kaidan?"
"You have your own bathroom and a shower? This, I have to see." Kaidan pulled a change of clothes from his luggage and went into the bathroom.
Hayden grinned at sat down at her terminal to check her messages, while Garrus helped himself to a beer from the mini-fridge.
Garrus pulled off his top, and dropped it on the floor by the couch with a sigh of relief. He sat down on the couch, and activated his omni-tool. "Think Kaidan will join our Galaxy of Fantasy guild?"
"You play Galaxy of Fantasy?" Kaidan poked his head out of the bathroom, dripping slightly and shirtless.
"We all do," said Hayden absently. "Our guild is the ship. Did you sign your transfer papers?"
"Yeah, is it not updating?"
"Not yet, but I can't tell if the Alliance system is being slow or …" she typed a message on her terminal. "Someone's abusing our bandwidth again. I'll be right back. Where's your shirt?"
"This one has a hole in it." Kaidan tossed the offending shirt at Garrus, who was choking back laughter at Kaidan's statement. "What?"
"Just put it in the laundry, it will get repaired. I'll be right back, I have to go yell at Legion."
"Who?"
Hayden disappeared, and Kaidan shrugged.
"Have you ever tried Galaxy of Fantasy?"
"I soloed to 325, but I couldn't get any really good stuff without a guild so I stopped playing."
Garrus sat up in shock. "You soloed all those levels?"
Kaidan grinned. "I'm a Summoner, it's easy when you make the pets do all the work. I wasn't even watching half the time. Just pull out a bunch of spirits and have them clean out the area while I write reports. What's your guild like?" He sat down on the couch next to Garrus, not bothering with a shirt.
The door beeped, and opened to reveal Joker. "Hey, I was going to apologize but then I thought better of it. Also, I noticed Garrus was in our guildhall with a stranger. Figured it was you."
"Come in and sit down, we're getting set up. He's a Summoner! We can do the final Myth fight now!"
"What? Oh sweet! By the way, I'm sorry about the Lieutenant thing, but it's for the best, really."
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take it out of you in PvP, since I can't beat you senseless in real life."
Joker grinned. "I'm already senseless, your work is half done. Is the shirtless thing a rule? Cuz I look terrible shirtless."
Kaidan grinned. "Only for men. You're exempt, Jeff."
"Oh. I see how it is. You wound me, Alenko." Joker sat down on the couch, and pulled up his omni-tool. "PvP it is, jerk. Wait, what the shit – you're 350? Without a guild?"
"I do contract work," Kaidan explained. "This is the fastest connection I've ever been on. What was Hayden complaining about?"
Joker grinned. "You ain't seen nothing yet."

Hayden came back with a tray of food. "I thought you guys might be hungry."
"Oh, that was nice of you, Commander," said Joker without lifting his eyes from his omni-tool. "Are you ready to play? We could really use a Defender right now."
"First of all, what are you guys doing? We don't have a raid scheduled today. And why aren't you collecting your Nugs in ColonyTown? And why isn't anyone wearing a shirt?"
Kaidan grabbed a sandwich and took three bites before answering. "Some black-hat team offered a trade if we beat them, so Joker got the guild online and we're kicking their asses. But we could use a Defender, if you have one."
"What's the trade?"
"Their hall," said Garrus. "We've got half the team down. Permanent death, too. Miranda's locking their souls out until we take over their hall."
Hayden rolled her eyes. "You guys do know we're a black-hat team, right?"
"No honor among thieves."
Hayden sighed and pulled out her omni-tool. "And what about the shirt thing?"
"What shirt thing?" Joker helped himself to a sandwich.
Hayden decided it wasn't worth the effort, and joined the attack. The Normandy crew, sporting most of the best available gear in the game and perfectly coordinated thanks to EDI and Legion, proceeded to beat down the other guild, then raided the hall and brought all the loot back to their hall to be divided.
Their avatars ran around the Normandy guildhall, gleefully chatting to each other and gloating over their success.
Miranda, her priestess robes swirling gracefully, walked up to Kaidan and looked at him critically, examining his equipment and spirit stones. "Are you the new Alliance spy?"
Kaidan emoted his annoyance with a cream pie. "I am not a spy. I'm an observer."
"Whatever," said Miranda through the layers of cream. "You're still a spy. Jacob, will you please get this off me?"
"With pleasure," Jacob grinned, and cleaned the remains of the pie from Miranda's face. "I'm Jacob, by the way, and this is Miranda." Jacob held out his hand to Kaidan's avatar, and they greeted each other politely. "Let me take you around to meet the rest of the crew," Jacob offered.
Kaidan looked briefly at Hayden, who was working on the guildhall defenses with the large Groundling everyone called Legion. "Sure." Kaidan realized that meeting everyone in the game was easier than doing it in person. He could make fun of their Cerberus affiliation and they could mock him for being a spy. "You know, for a pro-Human former Alliance Black Ops group, there sure are a lot of aliens on board. Krogans, Salarians, Asari. But I still can't figure out Legion and Edie."
"Ah, hah hah, about that," said Joker nervously.
Edie, who was allocating the loot most efficiently despite having Joker's arms around her waist, looked at Joker curiously.
"Maybe you should meet them in person," said Jacob with a grin.
"So far, all I know about Legion is that he was doing something to hog some bandwidth earlier."
"We were downloading a collection of Human music from the forth to sixth centuries," said Legion. "We noted a passing reference to said music in your files, and wanted to learn more."
"Oh? Yeah, my mother is a music historian, and she was doing an exhibit on the music of the Sassanides and why would you want to know about that? That's really obscure."
Legion just looked at Kaidan. "We enjoy music."
"Well, if you're really interested, I have a recording of the exhibit presentation. It won't be on the extranet for a few days, but if you like, I can send it to you."
"We would be most interested," said Legion. "We appreciate your offer."
"No problem, I'll bring it down later." Kaidan let Jacob lead him away before he could ask Legion or Edie any more questions. "You're all weird."
"Brother, you have no idea," muttered Jacob under his breath.
Garrus walked over to Kaidan. "Grunt and I finished upgrading all the defenses. We just doubled our guildhall's armor value," he grinned. "So, Kaidan, when did you start playing?"
"Um… two years ago. I wasn't sleeping well. Or at all, really. I picked Summoner because it was really hard."
"I'm sure it was, in the beginning," smiled Garrus, and they both knew that he wasn't talking about the game. "Come on, let me show you some more of the hall."
"Where's Hayden's room?" he asked curiously.
"She goes for the Ascetic bonus," Garrus showed him Hayden's quarters in the hall. They were austere, nothing but a cot and a table covered with scrolls, with a few high-quality devotional items on the walls, to maximize her class bonus. "Mine are pretty much the same," said Garrus, and showed Kaidan his chambers, right next door. "You'll need to go for the Sybarite bonus, I think."
Kaidan looked curiously at the hall serfs, who were emptying the room on the other side of Hayden's quarters. "What are they doing?"
"We're going to put you in here, of course," said Edie. "You'll need to buy stuff for your room. The guild will buy anything you need," she messaged him a list, "so you definitely should get everything for the Sybarite bonus, and you might as well upgrade your spirit stones and your other gems."
Kaidan looked doubtfully at the list. "The guild really has this much platinum?"
"We're very efficient," Edie assured him, then walked away to go find Joker again.

Kaidan stretched, and almost fell off the couch. He had fallen asleep on Garrus, Joker had disappeared somewhere, and Hayden was curled up in the center of the bed, sleepily watching him.
She mumbled something, then yawned, and curled up again with her eyes closed this time.
Kaidan smiled, and stood up properly. He eyed the silvery Prothean artifact on the table, and poked it again. It made the weird noise again, expanded, and then returned to its normal size.
Hayden giggled. "It's irresistible, isn't it?"
"I can't help myself," he confessed. "Garrus doesn't seem to notice it."
"Yeah, I think it only attracts biotics. Did you finish your shopping?"
Kaidan nodded. "I should go bring that vid down to Legion."
Hayden blinked. "What?"
"I have a presentation that he wanted to see," he explained. "Where would I find him?"
Hayden considered. "He's in the – you know what, I'll go with you." Hayden stood up. "Put a shirt on. Or something."
"I could wear you," Kaidan grinned.
She threw a shirt at him.
"Ah, it's got me," Kaidan cried, and pretended to fall over with the shirt covering his face. "Another victim falls, slain by the deadly uniform top sleeve snake," he said in a ghostly voice.
Hayden stared at him in shock.
"Your sense of humor needs work, sweetie."
"That wasn't funny," she said. "Well, it was kind of funny. What is wrong with you?" she blurted out.
"It's the bite of the deadly sleeve snake, honey. It messes with your head. That's why everyone should be topless at home. Safety first!"
"And stop calling me weird names!"
"Sure thing, sweetie."
Hayden opened her mouth to say something, then thought better of it. "I'll wait for you outside. Maybe there's something in the air that's making you all crazy."
Kaidan chuckled, and pulled on his shirt before joining her in the elevator. "Soo… you come here often?"
"No, really, what is wrong with you?"
"I've been awake for too long, I've been playing video games non-stop for eight hours, and I have nothing to do except watch you. In fact, that's now my mission statement."
"You could make out with Garrus."
"Oh, that's right, I forgot that option. Only he's not here, so," he pulled her to him, and drew her into a long, slow kiss, drinking in her warmth, her softness, the long-forgotten and yet familiar sweetness of her.
The elevator opened finally, and neither of them moved. Finally Hayden opened her eyes, and giggled at the sight in the hallway. Kaidan reluctantly pulled away, and grinned at seeing Jacob, whom he recognized from his avatar, locked in a kiss with Miranda.
"I think you're right, there is something in the air," he grinned.
"What?" Miranda pulled away guiltily. "We weren't doing anything!"
Jacob laughed. "Not anything different from what you two were doing, anyway."
"Are you getting out of the elevator?" Miranda asked.
Hayden stepped out, pulling Kaidan behind her.
"Thank you," said Jacob, as he and Miranda entered the elevator, and he pushed the button.
"Don't jam the elevator between floors, please," said Hayden.
"No, that's you and Garrus."
"Does that work?" asked Kaidan. "I'll have to ask him for the codes."
Miranda closed the door as Hayden pulled him away. "Stop giving the Alliance spy ideas!"
"Bite me, Cerberus tart!" Kaidan called as the elevator disappeared.
"Seriously, that kind of behavior is going to get you in trouble!" said Hayden warningly. "I'm going to put you on KP duty!"
"Oh, you just want me to cook."
"We have a cook. Show him how to make that spicy potato dish. The one with the chickpeas."
Kaidan laughed. "That doesn't narrow it down very much, honey. That description applies to a lot of dishes."
Hayden shrugged. "Show him how to make all of them."
"Where are we going?"
"The AI Core." Hayden opened the door and they entered the cold, dry room.
Legion looked at them. "Hello, Shepard-Commander. Hello, Love-Interest-Alenko."
Hayden blushed. "Oh, please change that, Legion."
"Is that designation no longer correct, Shepard-Commander?"
"That's a Geth." Kaidan stared at her in shock. "Why do you have a Geth?"
"Technically… it's… I have no idea how to explain this. He's friendly, Kaidan. All one thousand, one hundred eighty-three programs."
"What?" Kaidan looked at Legion again.
"We are Geth. We are a gestalt consciousness, comprised of numerous individual programs. We are a unique mobile platform, capable of self-direction and independent interaction with organic life. As Shepard-Commander stated, we are 'friendly.' We seek to understand."
Kaidan nodded slowly, still somewhat shocked. "And you like music."
"Oooh, I'm going to sit over here and not listen while you two discuss music. Would you like a chair? Here, have a chair." Hayden pushed a chair towards Kaidan, who sat down slowly, while Legion started talking about mathematical patterns and music. Hayden pulled out a datapad and started reading.
It didn't take long for Kaidan to open up, once he got over the initial shock. Legion was genuinely interested in music, and Kaidan was fascinated by the Geth platform before him.
"Thank you for this large quantity of new data, Love-Interest-Alenko."
Hayden made a soft noise of irritation.
"What?" Kaidan grinned. "I like it." He turned back to Legion. "You're welcome. I'll ask my mother to give you access to more of the historical files."
"That would be most appreciated, Love-Interest-Alenko."
"Gah!"
Kaidan laughed. "Why don't you like it, Hayden?"
"It's embarrassing!"
Kaidan looked around the room. "So, wait, you store the Geth in your AI core? Why do you even have such a large AI core?"
EDI popped up on the console. "Hello. I am the Normandy's AI, an Enhanced Defense Intelligence, commonly referred to as – "
"Edie."
The little blue ball of lights winked in response. "That is correct, Lieutenant Alenko."
"You know, you can just call me Kaidan. We've met."
"That is also correct. I was not certain how you would react to an AI."
Kaidan looked at Legion. "I already survived the surprise Geth test."
"Humans are frequently irrational in their response to AIs. However, I am now bored of being a stuck up AI. Kaidan, your Nugs need more attention. And your auction house purchases have been delivered to the guildhall. Also, when you see Garrus, please tell him that his father called. Again." EDI winked off and disappeared.
Kaidan looked over at Hayden, who was quietly reading her datapad again. "Any other surprises I should know about?"
"If the Asari asks you to come visit her alone, say no. If the Asari says she's going out on a date, don't ever ask how it went. Other than that, no. Just your regular garden variety mix of species and a Human crew on a gigantic state-of-the-art questionably legal ship."
Kaidan looked at her curiously. "What's wrong with the Asari?"
"I'm not explaining, and I prefer to pretend it never happened. She knows better than to fuck with me, but you're awfully cute and she might be tempted."
"Ah, the old 'I'm not explaining something incredibly important and dangerous' thing. So, stay away from the Asari. Duly noted."
Hayden looked at him over the datapad. "It doesn't matter how much you annoy me, I'm not explaining it. And don't bother asking Garrus, because he doesn't know."
"Does Edie know?"
"EDI knows that the Normandy can operate without a fully functional AI in the event of a catastrophic hull breach occurring in the AI core."
"It would be best for you to pursue another topic of conversation at this time, Love-Interest-Alenko," said Legion.
Kaidan sighed. "Okay, where did you come up with that designation for me?"
Hayden blushed bright red.
"No data available."