Can't Say Goodbye To Yesterday


Hal Emmerich sat on his own, in his apartment, hunched over in a chair, with nothing to do.

 Actually, he had plenty to do, but nothing he wanted to do.

He also had something he needed to do very badly.



The man with the code name Otacon moved away from the computer for the first time in days. He sat on the sofa and flipped through the channels, and saw his favourite anime was on. But still, he couldn’t concentrate. He turned the television off, and began to pace. He was getting on his own nerves.



Otacon pushed his glasses up on his nose, something he did when he was nervous. He didn’t know what to do about his situation. He’d left it, thinking it would just go away, but the feelings had just grown stronger with absence.

He’d had to admit it: he was in love with Solid Snake.



They’d disbanded Philanthropy for a while after the tanker incident. Everything had been blamed on Snake, and it was all Otacon’s fault... He sighed. He’d fell into a trap, and put Snake’s life in danger. Ocelot had stolen Metal Gear Ray, and Philanthropy had gone right off the fringe, with no chance of gaining recognition by the U.N. again.

 Otacon had done what he’d always done best: he’d turned tail and ran after that incident. He felt responsible for everything, and something else had surfaced that fateful night on the tanker...



Otacon thought back. He’d asked Snake to take pictures of Metal Gear Ray, but when he uploaded the photos... he had pictures of manly posters. It was then he knew that Snake liked men.

It was true he’d always respected Snake and looked up to him in that hero-worshipping kind of way, but it wasn’t until then that he realised something... He’d felt a somersault of hope when Snake had shown him those pictures. He never thought himself to be gay, but then, he thought, it didn’t matter. Not if you loved someone. If love could bloom in a place so harsh and barren as the battlefield, then it could bloom anytime, anyplace, between any two people.



Then the tanker had sunk, and Otacon remembered crying out into the night as Snake stopped answering the Codec. He’d kicked the powerboat into full speed and raced toward the scene, not caring if it was dangerous or not. He screamed out Snake’s name, wanting him to answer, wanting him to dive up above the waves, to have somehow survived against all the odds.

Yet he saw nothing but the tanker sinking, and bodies floating in the water. He looked at all their faces, half expecting to see Snake floating there, his eyes open in a stare, but then Otacon had seen a shadow, diving above the waves, and heard that familiar gasp for air... He cried out to Snake, and Snake swam closer. Otacon helped him aboard and held him tightly, but Snake slipped into unconsciousness.

He’d taken care of him for days after that, until he regained his strength, but he’d never been able to tell Snake how he felt. It had been too hard at the time, and he was scared of rejection. He’d wanted to be loved for his entire life, and now he’d found someone he loved, there were so many problems, so many barriers in the way...

So he’d ran away when Snake got better, left him to deal with Philanthropy and the failure of the mission... Just like he’d ran away and left his little sister on her own. He looked down at the ground. He was such a coward.



Otacon wanted to go and see Snake, just once more. The burning inside him had never stopped; the pain and love had never gone away. It had been a whole year now... Would Snake forgive him for running away? Otacon knew he had to find out. Even if he never saw Snake again because if his confession, it would be better than the self-made purgatory he’d sentenced himself to. Always waiting for the phone to ring, the doorbell to chime, always waiting for Snake to make the first move. No, he thought. If you want love, you have to go and find it...



***



Solid Snake really hated the dump he’d assigned himself to. He wanted to be out fighting Metal Gear, the way it used to be, not sitting in some dingy apartment waiting for Hell to freeze over and Hal to come back. Yet there was nothing he could do on his own, he was no hacker, and the other members of Philanthropy had all disappeared at the first sight of failure. He kicked a cardboard box he’d been training with, picked it up, opened the door, and threw it outside. What was the point anymore? He needed someone to do the intelligence work, he didn’t have the patience for computers, and Metal Gear wasn’t going to just land on his apartment. It was something he had to go out and find.



There was also something else bugging Snake. He missed having company. Not just company, but someone he could really talk to. Otacon and him were polar opposites physically, but they also shared a lot in common. The same fears, the same beliefs, the same sorrows. They were the same in so many ways... except one. Otacon didn’t like guys. He’d made that pretty clear from the reaction to those photos Snake had taken on the tanker all that time ago. He’d just been testing the waters, but got negative vibes back. Then Otacon had run away after the accident. Probably because of him. He’d wanted to pick up the phone, go and see him, anything, but had no idea where he lived. So he’d just had to leave it be, and hope and pray that by some miracle Otacon would come by, confess he loved him out of the blue, and help him pick up the pieces of his life.

"And pigs might fly..." Snake grumbled to himself, as he sat on the floor of his apartment in his Sneaking Suit, thinking about the good old days.



***



Otacon had just his memory to go by, he’d been to Snake’s place plenty of times while they were in Philanthropy. They’d stay up all night working, hacking, or discussing Metal Gear, and sometimes they’d just chill out and watch Godzilla movies and eat takeaway. Otacon missed those days. He wished he hadn’t run away from his responsibilities.



"I hope he doesn’t hate me," he mumbled as he climbed the dingy apartment block stairs.

He stood in front of the door, wanting to knock but not having the courage to. Finally he summoned the strength to lift his arm and knock suddenly on the door. He just hoped that Snake still lived there...



The door flew open, and a gun pointed in his direction.

"Don’t shoot!" Otacon said, holding his hands up. Snake gasped and quickly put the gun down.

"Hal," he said, "Hal!" He looked overjoyed to see him, "Come in!" he continued.

Otacon stepped into Snake’s dingy apartment. It looked so forlorn. Guns and boxes and training equipment were everywhere, but everything was so dark and dingy now. Yet Snake was alive and safe, and that brought a smile to his heart, even if he didn’t dare to reflect it on his face.



"So... Snake, how have you been?" Otacon asked nervously, "I’m sorry that I..."



"Don’t be sorry," Snake said, "You had your reasons."



"Yeah," Otacon replied, "Snake... Dave... I’m glad you’re safe..."

There was so much Otacon wanted to say to Snake now that he was here. He wanted to tell him everything, but he didn’t know where to start.



"I’m still here," Snake said, "FOXDIE hasn’t got me yet."

 Otacon gulped. Naomi, to kill him at any random time, had tampered with the virus Snake had been infected with. It was like living on a timebomb for Snake, any day could be the day of his death. He never knew when, and that was the worst part of Naomi’s revenge.

Otacon just wanted to seize the moment.



"Snake..." Otacon said, "You just have to live for today. Forget tomorrow. Do what you want to do while you can."



"I would," Snake said, "but I can’t, because it requires somebody else to be involved, and I don’t even know if they want to be."



"Who?" questioned Otacon.

"It doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t be interested anyway. He made it clear, a year ago..." Snake drifted off. 

Otacon didn’t know what to think. Did Snake have someone else he loved? Yet one year ago was the tanker incident... Could he possibly mean...? He could just let the whole thing go, but Snake could be gone any day. He wouldn’t get this chance again.



"Snake," Otacon said, "I’m going to be honest now. A year ago, on that tanker, when you uploaded those pictures, I was so stunned... that you liked men, I mean. Solid Snake, liking men? But then... the tanker..."



Snake cut him off. "I know, you didn’t like it. That’s why you left. I haven’t changed, Otacon, and if you don’t like it, it’s best that you go so I don’t hurt you..."



"No!" Otacon said. He cursed inwardly. He was always so bad at communicating, at saying what he really meant. He decided to just say it.

"Snake, when you went down with that tanker, I thought I was never going to see you again. I was scared. Then you were okay, but I ran away, because I was scared that my feelings were going to put you in danger. But those feelings never went away. Dave... I love you. I never stopped loving you... We don’t know how much time you have, but Dave... I want to stay by your side, and destroy Metal Gear." Otacon blurted out.



Otacon closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look in Snake’s eyes, waiting for the words of rejection. He fell to his knees, waiting, waiting, waiting. Those seconds stretched on into eternity, every breath was strained, every muscle in his body was ready to flee.



Snake put his hands on Otacon’s shoulders, and guided him back to his feet. Otacon opened his eyes in surprise as Snake cupped his face in his hands, rubbing his face through his gloves tenderly. Otacon looked into Snake’s eyes, where he saw it all, the love, the pain, the overwhelming emotion. He never wanted to leave Snake’s side, even if the road he walked led to slaughter.



"I love you too, Hal," Snake said, but the words weren’t needed. Otacon already knew, but to hear the words sent butterflies tickling warmly in his stomach.

Their lips brushed gently, and then deeper and deeper, until Otacon opened his mouth and kissed Snake passionately. Snake let his tongue slide into Otacon’s mouth, and Otacon moaned. Such joy he had not felt even in his wildest fantasies. He held onto Snake, and through the tight sneaking suit could feel every muscle as though it were his own. They kissed deeper and deeper as the fire of their suppressed longing surfaced.



Snake moved his hands under Otacon’s lab coat and up his t-shirt, feeling his warm back. Otacon moaned at the feeling of Snake touching him, but wanted to feel his skin, like the feeling of that kiss all over him.

They paused kissing for breath. Snake looked into Otacon’s eyes with a fire of longing that made Otacon grow hard at the thoughts of what that look indicated Snake wanted to do to him. He didn’t care if it showed; he wanted Snake to know how much he wanted him.

Snake kissed all the way up to Otacon’s ear and whispered "I want you" seductively to him. Otacon pulled Snake’s arm down to feel his hardness through his trousers as his answer. Otacon looked at Snake and saw a bulge in his tight sneaking suit, too.



So much time had passed; they had kept all these feelings pent up for so long, each running away from their fears... the fears they both shared.

Otacon wanted to remove Snake’s sneaking suit, wanted to see them man beneath that he had fantasised about so many times in the middle of the night. He had cried so many tears, but at least they hadn’t been for nothing. Now his dreams were coming true.



Snake gently removed Otacon’s lab coat and threw it to the side, gently pushing Otacon over to the bed. Otacon willingly moved and fell back on it. Snake fell on top of him, and they kissed again, lost in heavenly bliss. Snake pulled Otacon’s shirt over his head and stared at the half naked man beneath him. Otacon blushed, he had no muscles to show off, but he noticed Snake looked perfectly pleased with what he saw.



Snake started kissing down Otacon’s body, licking and sucking his nipples, which made Otacon moan gently. But Otacon wanted off with that damn sneaking suit, and protested until Snake realised what the matter was.



"Go on then," he said, "Take it off."



Otacon smiled, sat up, and peeled the suit off Snake slowly, staring at his body as he did so. He was so handsome, Otacon thought, as the suit went lower and lower. Then he pulled it over Snake’s hips, revealing his hard cock, and Otacon gasped. He hurriedly pulled the rest of the suit off, wanting to get back to touching Snake and being touched by him.

Snake was just as impatient. He pulled off Otacon’s trousers, and was surprised to see he was wearing nothing underneath. The pile of clothing on the floor grew until they were both completely naked, Snake lying on top of Otacon with a blissful look on his face, Otacon looking flushed, but incredibly happy.



They rubbed against each other, bare skin touching bare skin, calloused hands caressing soft skin, soft lips tenderly kissing scars. Otacon looked sad at the amount Snake had suffered, but Snake whispered not to worry in Otacon’s ear. Otacon smiled and thrust up at Snake, their arousals rubbing against each other. They both moaned at the feeling of the friction between their cocks, and continued doing it, rubbing against each other in a slow rhythm until it was driving them both crazy.

Otacon looked up into Snake’s eyes.



"Dave," he said, "There’s something I’ve been dreaming of you doing to me for a long time."



"What is it, Hal?" Snake asked softly.

 "Take me, Dave..." Otacon pleaded, "I’ve wanted this for so long... to share my body and soul with you..."



Snake kissed Otacon lovingly. "I want that too," he said, between kisses.



Snake reached up to his bedside drawer, annoyed that he had to stop but looking forward to the special moments that were coming next. He found what he was looking for, and Otacon blushed as Snake smiled with the tube of lubricant in his hands.



Snake turned Otacon over so he was lying on his stomach, and kissed his back. He stopped and put some lubricant on his finger, and slid a finger gently into Otacon’s ass. Otacon moaned loudly as pleasure soared through him, he’d longed for his love to do this for so long, and now his dreams were coming true...

Snake heard the moans of his love, and moved the finger in and out, enjoying Otacon’s reactions, but also hearing the desperation in his moans. He sped up a little, inserting two fingers. He didn’t want to hurt Otacon, but his cries were getting urgent and he felt himself wanting Otacon so badly it hurt. He rubbed the lubrication on his cock, and teased Otacon’s ass with it. Otacon cried out and begged Snake to enter him. Snake gave in to his and Otacon’s longings, and slid his cock inside Otacon, moaning as he felt his cock being squeezed.

Snake set up a slow rhythm, and they both moaned, enjoying every second.

"Faster..." Otacon moaned, and Snake sped up. Otacon arched his back and Snake was able to reach underneath him and take his erection in his rough hands and stroke it, as he pressed harder into Otacon. Otacon screamed in pleasure.

"Daaaave!" he cried as Snake sped up the rhythm even more. Snake too was reaching climax and cried out Hal’s name, as they lie there moving and moaning.

Snake couldn’t take it anymore.

"Haaal! I’m gonna...!" but words were at a loss as he reached the point of pleasure where he could only release a loud cry. He screamed as he shot his load deep into Otacon. Otacon cried out too as Snake sent him over the edge and he shot his sticky seed into Snake’s hands. They both collapsed on each other. Snake moved over and lay by Otacon’s side, licking the seed off his hands.



"You taste beautiful," he said, wrapping his arm around Otacon, "You are beautiful..."

Otacon looked at Snake. Tears were welling up in the scientist’s eyes, tears of pure joy. He couldn’t find words to describe how he was feeling, but eventually said, "I love you, Dave..."

They came down from the incredible experience of making love and got their strength back, but they still didn’t want to leave each other’s arms.

"Dave," Otacon said, "There’s something else I came to talk to you about, too."



"What is it?" Snake asked.

"How about... we start Philanthropy up again, just you and me?" Otacon proposed, "Metal Gear is still out there. I want to stop it, and together, maybe we can..."

Snake smiled. Finally, he had everything back that he had lost, the man he loved, and a reason to fight. He had everything that he needed, and FOXDIE or not, he was going to enjoy every day of his life from now on.