Field Trip (A Star to Sail Her By series)

Field Trip


"Do you honestly think you can take him out, without me present, and socialize him without fatalities?" I chewed my lower lip a bit. "Remember... you're on his list of preset groups-to-hate from back in the tank."

"But he's ok with me." Garrus stroked my arm, trying to reassure me.

"On the battlefield..."

"You'll be downstairs. If something goes seriously awry, you'll know." He paused. "I'm a little more concerned with your chosen drinking partner. Jack is..."

"...unstable as hell. Exactly why we're taking her out. I want to give her a night with some friends. Actual friends." I shrugged. "Something she's never done. Maybe get her to see that not everyone's out to kill or use her."

We looked at each other for a long moment. I stepped forward into his arms and gave him a squeeze. "Good luck, Garrus. You'll need it."

I felt him nuzzle my hair as he returned the hug. "You too."

We parted a little reluctantly. "If you need me..." we said in unison, then laughed.

"All right. Let's do this." Garrus cracked his knuckles, preparing for battle. The elevator stopped.

I cracked the kinks out of my neck and stepped off the elevator into the CIC. Two groups waited.

"So, Garrus, ready to brave the wild strippers?" Joker grinned at him. Since the Omega 4 run, we'd all been spending a lot more time with each other, a lot more casual. Garrus gave a halfhearted laugh and tried not to look my way. I'd never seen Joker in casual wear. He actually looked pretty good. Mordin wore his usual lab attire. I doubt he owned anything else. Thane had opted out of the event in favor of quiet contemplation.

I laughed and slugged Garrus gently in the arm. "Have fun, boys." I caught Grunt's gaze. "And you. Try not to kill anyone, ok?"

"Only if absolutely necessary." He repeated my earlier words back to me, though I could see a glint in his eye. Hopefully, he wouldn't deem it "absolutely necessary" just for giggles. He wore his armor. Turns out there's not a lot of krogan casual wear out there. Even Wrex laughed at the concept when I tried extranetting him for info.

I sighed, shook my head, and looked to my group. Tali always looked cute in her pressure suit, so she was set. Kelly Chambers was wearing a revealing little number. I... well, honestly, I don't own a whole lot of casual wear myself, and Omega's always a little dicey, so I was decked out in the better of my non-combat jumpsuits. And Jack... was Jack. If I saw her wearing fabric north of the equator, I was floored. She wasn't. How she got those leather straps to stay there like that mystifies me.

Jack fixed me with a wicked smile. "C'mon, Shepherd, say goodbye to your boyfriend and let's do this. I need a fucking drink."

I closed my eyes for a moment, willing myself not to blush. Jesus, everyone really does know. She'd only been back on the Normandy for a day; surprising to no one, she'd been on Omega days before we reached the dock. I reopened my eyes, shot Jack a dirty look, then saluted the boys. Or, she's just being a wiseass. They all saluted back. "C'mon, everyone. Let's get off this ship for a night."

"Fuck yeah." Jack led the way. "Omega, you're in deep shit now."

The operation was simple. Garrus' team would spend some time on the upper level, have some drinks, introduce Grunt to the concept of the lapdance, and have some fun without Grunt going on a killing spree. My team would hit the lower level, have some drinks, introduce Jack to the concept of a girls' night out, and have some fun without Jack going on a killing spree. Neither task would be easy. Omega posed a lot of variables. I was almost more apprehensive about this than I was facing the Collectors.

It's just a few drinks...

---

"So, we just sit here and drink and talk?" Jack grunted into her whiskey. "Seriously? That is the lamest fucking idea ever."

I shrugged. "Hey, I don't do this too much either. Most of my friends were guys growing up." I sipped my whiskey and soda and tipped back my chair. Normally, I prefer it neat, but I wanted to be on my toes. "I'm not exactly what you'd call a 'girly girl.'"

"Heh, no shit, hadn't noticed."

"Well, I am." Kelly sat up, grinning brightly. "Two sisters, and a lot of girlfriends in college."

"Girl friends, or girlfriends?" Jack sneered.

Kelly sipped her drink, something green in a funny-shaped glass with a little decorative straw in it. "Yes," she replied with a saucy smile.

Jack raised an eyebrow approvingly. "Hot."

"I was in a sorority," Kelly added.

"How about you, Tali?" I sat up.

"I, um, never had a girlfriend..." she stammered. She was drinking something purple, slightly glowing, that smelled like a hybrid of gin, fruit juice, and pine-scented household cleaner.

"I meant on the 'girly' spectrum."

"Oh!" She laughed. "Well, I lived with a lot of other women in tight quarters. Girl talk, gossip, it's pretty unavoidable really."

"So what the fuck are we supposed to talk about?" Jack was perched on the back of her chair, feet on the seat. Her eyes darted around the room. I knew she needed a distraction fast or she'd make one of her own.

"Boys, usually." Kelly set her drink down. "Who's with who, who's hot, who's not... usually the best starting point." She was decidedly not looking at me.

Jack, of course, felt no such compulsion. "So, that'd be you, boss lady. I hear you're riding the turian these days."

I aspirated a little whiskey and soda into my sinuses. Jack cackled as I coughed hard. Tali looked concerned. I waved her off, laughing through the pain. Once I was done coughing, though, Jack cocked her head. "I'll take that as a confession?" she asked, glee in her voice. "I was just fucking with you."

DAMMIT. "Uh, yeah."

Kelly tittered and clasped her hands together. "I KNEW it!! You two are so cute together!"

Tali giggled. "Good. You never DID finish telling me about it!"

I shook my head slowly. This was going to be bad.

---

"What did you say this was?" Grunt snorted into his glass. "It tastes like fire. And ass."

"Over-proof rum. Good for cleaning engine parts and lighting things on fire, but not a lot else." Garrus took a sip of his Palaven Centurion beer, a label he hadn't seen since his academy days. It was still pretty vile and piss-weak, but he didn't dare anything stronger.

"I like it." Grunt emptied his glass and signaled for another. "It's like...ryncol lite."

Joker was working on a bottle of some colony import. "Garrus, you're carrying him back if he gets too hammered. I couldn't lift his freakin' arm."

Grunt snorted at him. "Don't worry, little man. I can bear my own weight."

"Ok, sure, whatever."

Mordin casually positioned himself between Joker and Grunt as he ordered a refill on his wine. The break in eye contact between the two allowed Garrus to exhale. He raised his glass to Mordin. The salarian nodded back.

"So, who gets to find a stripper brave enough for this task?" Joker looked at the rest of the group. They all looked at each other, then at the asari shaking their various body parts on the poles around the room.

"What is the point of this, anyways? I'm a warrior, not a..." Grunt frowned for a moment. "Dance...critic."

Joker shook his head. "This would be a lot easier if there were krogan strippers..." He shuddered dramatically. "OK, that image is going to haunt me now."

Mordin set his glass down and looked at Grunt. "Human, turian, even some salarian males find asari sexually attractive. Many krogan as well, have been told. Gyrations reminiscent of motions during coitus. Humans, turians, both have long traditions of use as rite of passage for young males. Exposure to sexuality in safe but titillating way." He shrugged. "Salarians, not so much. Reproductive act dissimilar, not reliant on visual cues."

"Wow, way to suck the sexy out of it, Doc." Joker swigged his beer. "Alright, I'm on it." He stood up and straightened his jacket, then headed off.

Grunt looked at Garrus. "These 'lap dances' were not covered in Okeer's programming."

"I don't doubt it." Garrus looked at his drink, then at Grunt. "He DID cover sex, though...right?"

"You mean mating? Oh, yeah, that. I remember pictures, diagrams. Explanation of the act. That I would be expected to do it often to sire children and pass my genes on. Even talked about it last week on Tuchanka, the whole Rite of Honor thing. Didn't really feel much about it though." Grunt took a chug of drink and shrugged. "Fighting, killing comes a lot more naturally."

"Oh boy," Garrus sighed. This is going to be bad.

---

"Look, guys..." I sighed. "OK, fine. We're...involved."

"How involved?" Kelly leaned in.

"How long?" Tali leaned in.

"In what positions?" Jack planted her hands on her knees and leered.

"JACK!" Tali and Kelly yelled in unison.

"What?!" She raised her hands, then made a disgruntled gesture. "Fine. I'm gonna go get us more drinks til you start spillin' the good stuff." With that, she popped off the chair and headed towards the bar.

I had a moment of concern and watched her head over. Tali saw me and nodded. Jack saw me and made a face. I looked back to the other two, hoping against hope that no one tried anything.

Still distracted and keeping an ear out for biotics charging, I began. "Ok. We... the night before we hit the Omega 4, we decided to... 'blow off steam', as he put it." I shrugged. "Just two good friends, getting... friendly, distracting each other from the whole situation."

Tali crossed her arms. "That's it?"

"Yeah."

She shook her head. "No. I've seen you look at him. And I know about the main battery. There is more than that there."

Kelly mouthed the words "Main Battery?" at Tali. Tali nodded at her, then fixed her gaze back on me. I noted she had left out my culinary adventure and silently thanked her.

Jack came back and passed drinks around. I looked at mine, then sipped it. Double whiskey, no soda. Harsh stuff, too. She saluted me with hers. Tali was still looking at me expectantly. I took a bigger swig.

"Ok, fine. I... god, this sounds so..."

"Romantic?" Kelly piped. I laughed.

"Ok, I'll admit to always liking him. He was so passionate about catching Saren, about making sure justice was done." I took another sip. It was growing on me. "And I love his sense of humor. Wonderfully snarky. He's a great guy."

Tali laughed. "So when did you realize you liked him-liked him?"

I thought for a moment. "I don't think I realized it til I was on Omega, looking for Archangel." It was coming easier, now. "When he pulled off his helmet and boom, there he was, Garrus, with those blue eyes, looking at me, I just... just..." I gestured helplessly. I couldn't find the words. "I can't explain it. It was just... and he was just... and I was just... Jack, what the HELL did you put in this?" I could feel my tongue loosening up and my brain getting a little fuzzy.

"Hallex," she replied matter-of-factly. "Great shit, isn't it?"

"Sonovabitch..."

Tali gasped, horrified. Kelly looked more intrigued than concerned. Jack was snickering into her drink.

"So tell us more about your boyfriend."

I should have been pissed. I would have been pissed. Bitch dosed me. Unfortunately, Hallex makes staying pissed for more than a fraction of a second very, very difficult.

I pointed at Jack. "You...are in trouble...later."

"No shit." She cackled. I had a sneaking suspicion she'd sampled the goods as well. She looked a lot more relaxed. "SO worth it. Now spill."

Goddamn it.

My mouth took off without me. "Ok, so I'm standing on the catwalk in his base, he pulls off his helmet and half-whispers 'They told me you were dead.' I almost freakin' melted, half-guilty, half-holy-shit-he-cared... it was all I could do not to run over and hug the big jerk. Which would have been bad, since we had three merc groups invading the base at the time and shooting at us..." I was babbling. They were eating it up.

I am going to hate myself in the morning. Hopefully he won't, too.

----

"Grunt, meet Kai'ara."

The stripper Joker had convinced to join them looked a bit on the matron side of maiden, with strong shoulders and a wide, well-painted mouth. Her markings were more of a crest, echoed in UV paint on her ample chest. Garrus wondered idly if she was part krogan, a question answered as she hopped onto the table, sent Garrus's beer flying, and growled something directly into Grunt's ear. The krogan's eyes widened in surprise and he reared his head back to look at her, drink forgotten. She set one high-heeled foot on Grunt's chest and shoved him and his chair back about a foot from the table. Garrus tensed for a moment, watching Grunt's response. He didn't move. He didn't blink. She laughed, a low and lusty sound.

Yeah, definitely part krogan. "Joker, where did you find her?" Garrus whispered, eyes wide as the stripper settled herself in Grunt's lap and began to work her own brand of magic.

He laughed. "She came over to ME. Said she could tell he was just past the Rite, and they're always 'so much fun' at that age."

"Wow." She was pulling off a backbend that made every vertebra in his back hurt. "Just... wow."

"Asari flexibility always very impressive," Mordin said, tilting his head at an angle to better observe what she was doing. He'd finished his wine. Garrus couldn't tell if he was enjoying the show or taking notes on the dancer's skeletal structure.

Probably both. He looked at his charge for the evening. Grunt was utterly spellbound, completely and totally focused on the gyrating asari. I think he's starting to understand... Joker was enjoying the show as well, obviously pleased with himself.

"I'll get us another round," Garrus said to no one in particular and stepped off to the bar.

It was the usual wretched hive of scum and villainy. He waited behind a pair of arguing, very drunk batarians who couldn't figure out which one was picking up their tab. The bartender finally slammed both of their heads together, blackening several of their eyes in the process. A bouncer came, shook them down for their chits, took care of the tab, then carted them out. In the chaos, he managed to get another bartender's attention and snagged the needed libations.

"Here we...are..." Mordin and Joker were looking at an empty chair, stunned. "Where the hell is Grunt?"

Joker swallowed hard. "Um... the 'champagne room'?" he managed after a long pause, gesturing towards a door off the dance floor.

"Asari was...impressed with Grunt's..." Mordin coughed quietly. "...Physique. Said something about 'slow dancing'."

"Slow dan...oh. Oh." Garrus looked at the door, then back at his friends. "I don't know what Shepard's going to say about this..."

"You'd know best, dude," Joker smirked at him as he sipped his beer.

Garrus shook himself and looked at Joker. "Beg pardon?"

Joker turned in his seat and faced him, arms crossed on the back of the chair. "Garrus, we know. Ok? You lose at hide-and-go-make-out-with-the-boss."

Garrus closed his eyes and groaned inwardly.

Joker laughed. "Relax, man... it's all good... I'm thrilled for you. Really. Like, REALLY."

"Uh, thanks." Garrus raised a brow.

"I mean, seriously, Shepard is, like, grade A premium HOT."

"Joker..."

"I mean, she's a galactic-class badass, she's built, she's a redhead, which is always awesome..."

"Joker."

"And her ass..."

"JOKER!"

"...Is going to get me buried in an unmarked grave, isn't it?"

"Don't tempt me."

A few drinks later, Grunt staggered back to the table, dazed. Garrus saw the dancer sway out behind him, smacking him on the tail as they parted ways. There were marks that glowed in the UV on the side of Grunt's face.

"Hey, congrats, man..." Garrus saw Joker start to go for the high five and caught his arm. Realizing how close he'd come to potentially having his arm snapped like a twig, Joker settled for a jaunty salute and went back to his drink.

Grunt didn't seem to notice. He dropped back into his chair. "Eternity...is amazing," he sighed after a couple of minutes just staring into space.

"Eternity? I thought she said her name was..."

Mordin gave a dismissive little wave. "Asari mating also known as 'embracing eternity.'"

Joker paused with his beer halfway to his mouth for a long moment. He recoiled slightly, then completed the motion and took a few solid gulps.

"Grunt?" Garrus waved his hand in front of Grunt's face.

"Mmph?"

"You ok, buddy?"

"Mmmmmmmmm."

"I'll let you sit then."

"Mmkay."

That settled, Garrus sat back down and picked up his beer.

Joker turned his attention back to the turian. "So what's she like?"

Garrus gave him an odd look. "You know her... she's not a whole lot different in private. Great sense of humor, casual demeanor." He paused, smiling to himself. "Sexy little smile..."

"No, dude, what's she LIKE?" Joker gave a leer.

Garrus almost spat out his beer. "What?" He glowered. "No. I am not going to talk about that."

Joker gave his arm a nudge. "Come on, man! It's just us guys."

"Seriously. She will shoot me. And I'm not using hyperbole here. She will put a shotgun in my face and shoot me." He looked at Grunt warily. "Or he will."

Grunt was coming back to reality at the best possible time. "No, I'm curious too." He grinned. "I understand now!"

"Greaaat. Good timing. Thanks for tuning back in." He looked helplessly at the mature member of the party. "Damn it! Mordin, throw me a line?"

Mordin held his usual doctoral gravity. "Human females known to be wrathful if personal sexual matters discussed with others. Repercussions grim if discovered." He smiled and took a sip of his drink. "Will admit to a certain amount of... academic curiosity."

"DAMN it." Garrus threw his hands in the air, exasperated beyond measure. "MORDIN! You too?" The salarian shrugged.

"Yeah! Come on! For science!" Garrus glared at Joker.

Grunt gave a challenging look with a wry grin chaser. "What, is she that bad?"

"Or is she that good?" Joker leaned forward, beaming.

Garrus took a deep swallow of his drink. With a resigned sigh and a slight grin, he nodded towards Joker. The table exploded in laughter.

Joker waved at a bartender. "Gonna need some shots over here!"

"So, compared to Kai'ara, how flexible IS Shepard?" Grunt's inquisitive gaze drew a heavy sigh.

I'm a dead man.

--

"Did you know their tongues are prehensile?" I was sloshing a bit, inhibitions somewhere back on the Normandy.

Jack's eyes widened. "WHOA!"

"Mmm, the implications are lovely." Kelly's eyes were half-closed dreamily.

"Yes, yes they are." I shivered a little, remembering the last time. It was a good memory. Very good...

Tali's voice brought me back. "Wait, there are no toxicity issues if he..."

"...dines on the lower deck?" Jack leered.

Augh! "Jesus, Jack! And no." I paused a moment. "At least, not that he's mentioned."

"A true gentleman," Kelly noted.

"He is." I grabbed my head. Oh god, he's gonna kill me if he finds out I've been talking about this. The room was still swimming. Fucking JACK. I glared at her. She saw it.

"Heh heh heh." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Mind if I take him for a spin sometime?"

"Yes. I do mind. Very much." Huh. I didn't realize how much until just then. I felt a lot more sober all of a sudden.

Jack raised her hands in mock-surrender. "Ok, ok, I'll get my own! Jeez..." She paused long enough to look around the room, eyes fixing on each turian in turn. "Maybe that one. Later."

I laughed. "Poor bastard. He won't know what hit him."

"Damn straight." She looked me in the eye as I took a slug from my drink. "So, how's he hung?" She roared with laughter as she got sprayed liberally with whiskey. Tali gasped, then joined in with a scandalized titter. Kelly was agog, then very interested.

"Guys, really...!"

They looked at me with rapt attention, like schoolgirls. I sighed.

"...Really well, actually..."

Fuck.

----

"Have never considered that dichotomy before." Mordin looked pensive.

"Have you ever had sex with a human woman?"

"No."

"I don't know if it applies to other species, but yeah, you can pretty much categorize human chicks that way." Joker turned his attention back to Garrus. "So which is she?"

"I hate you all." Switching to shots had been a poor idea. "Screamer." He grinned despite himself. "Honestly, I'm surprised the lower decks haven't heard us."

Joker snickered.

"What?" He paused, then remembered the evening in the main battery array. "Oh, yeah, that. You and Tali, um, heard..."

"No, just me, when someone sat on the comm button."

"Oh shit!" He paused, a hand over his face. "It wasn't the shipwide comm, was it?"

"Naw man. My ears only." He grinned broadly. "Thanks, by the way. Really improved my night." The grin faded a little into a more distant smile.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

Garrus' finely-honed ear for bullshit was still in working condition, shots non-withstanding. "Oh come on. We've been sealing my death warrant for the past half hour." Garrus finished his drink and crossed his arms, eying the squirming pilot. "Humor a condemned man."

"Well, um..." Joker hedged.

Garrus did a little mental math. "Let's see... the two engineers were on board...you..." He sat bolt upright. "...and TALI?" For a moment, his mind boggled. Sweet, innocent little Tali? Holy... A brief big-brotherly impulse flashed through him, unsure whether to shake Joker's hand or punch him in the jaw.

Obviously more information was needed.

"Look! A distraction!" Joker pointed off to the right. None of them looked.

"Nice try."

Mordin cocked his head. "How did you manage that? Skin to skin contact dangerous, potentially fatal to quarian. Also, most sexual acts likely to cause serious damage to your skeletal structure due to Vralik's disease."

Joker was practically under the table. Garrus sympathized. Sex talks from Mordin were traumatic at best. Grunt caught Joker's collar and hauled him back up. It cracked something that was probably important, but he was drunk and embarrassed enough to shake it off. Garrus winced.

"Um, she has a...nerve stimulation system...built into her suit."

"That's..." Garrus paused. He was leaning towards shaking Joker's hand. "...kind of hot, actually," he mused. "Never would have thought of her as that...well-prepared."

"Simple conductive stimulation for over-suit contact, or interactive neural networking with sensory bypass?" All eyes went to Mordin. He shrugged. "Very different systems."

"Um, the second one."

"Hmm." He glanced at Garrus and smiled. "I concur. Very...interesting. Excellent choice on her part... far better for partnered encounters." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Considered Tali'zorah a bit more... innocent probably not the right word. But then, also haven't contemplated crew in sexual context."

"It's always the quiet ones..." Garrus mused into his drink.

"Hey!" Joker was suddenly defensive, hands on the table. "It wasn't like that! She's..." He realized what he was doing and stopped. All eyes on him, he sat back in his chair quietly.

Garrus cocked his head, a small smile on his face. "You're sweet on her."

"What? Nooooalright yeah." Joker sat forward, head in his hands and groaned. "Shit, guys. She is SO out of my league. She's like, a 8,9 and I'm a 4 if I'm lucky." He groaned.

"How can you tell?" Grunt shrugged. "She's in a pressure suit!"

Joker shrugged. "Well, the parts you can see are... you've seen her!"

Grunt took a drink. "Skinny and unplated?"

"Really hot." His baseball cap popped up a little as his face sank deeper into his hands. "And I am so...not."

Garrus gave him a sympathetic pat on the back. "Gee, don't know what that's like..." He ran a hand over his scars with a rueful smile.

Joker laughed softly into his hands. "Good point," he sighed, slightly muffled.

----

"Guys, really, enough. I'm already a dead woman," I could feel the high slipping away finally. "...or he'll never speak to me again..." I was starting to feel like an ass. The whiskey was not sitting well.

Tali looked at the other girls, then back at me. Kelly did the same, then leaned forward, putting out a hand.

"OK, as the ship's counselor, I am sworn to secrecy. Ladies?"

Jack looked confused. Tali filled it in for her, placing her hand on top of Kelly's.

"I swear. Not a word gets back to him."

Jack looked at the two of them, then at her drink, then at the two of them. With a reluctant growl, she put her hand on top of Tali's. "What the fuck? I'm actually doing this?" She sighed. "OK, I swear." Her eyes met mine with resolve. "Seriously." She smirked. "Girl power."

I was floored enough that it took me a moment. I leaned forward and rested my hand on hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I swear." Strangely, I felt relieved. "Thanks, guys."

Jack sat back. "So, enough about the strange and kinky sex life of our beloved boss." Her eyes turned to Tali. "Let's talk about you and the pilot."

Tali sat bolt upright. "What?!" Surprised terror. "How did...what are you talking about?" Tali is skilled at many things. Playing it cool is not one of them.

Jack cackled. "Girl, I sleep under your room." She hiked a thumb at Tali, looking to the other women. "Screamer. Never woulda guessed."

"Buh..."

"Joker?" Kelly sloshed her drink as she sat up.

"How? And why?" I was gobsmacked. Of all the men on our ship...

"What?" More defensively, "What?! He's..." She gave a frustrated sigh. "He can be really sweet."

Jack groaned. "Oh dear god..."

Kelly perked up. "And he has a great sense of humor." Tali glanced over at her, eyes narrowed slightly. The counselor picked up on it and sat back a little meekly, yielding dominance, then sat back up. "I'm curious as to how..."

Tali sighed loudly and took a very long sip of her drink through her nourishment aperture. "Neural stimulus systems are a standard..." She made a vague gesture with her hand. "... thing... for quarians!" I must have looked shocked. "Hey, we like to..." She looked to Jack for a moment. "...'get off'... as much as anyone else, and we have a harder time doing it with these bosh'tet suits on all the time."

I blinked. Words I'd never expected from Tali.

Jack, of course, recovered first. "So, how was he? Did he break anything? Did you?"

"He..." Even through the helmet, I could see her eyes roll. "With the system I have, it's all virtual. It picks up on what body part you'd like to move and relays it to your partner's senses, making your partner feel the contact you are trying to apply, and feeling them in return." She giggled. "I have to admit, being an admiral's daughter had some perks...I could afford some of the better software accessories. Full scent, taste, hearing and touch, with data for quarians, humans, and salarians." She looked my way. "I'd never considered turians. I may have to see if there's a patch available." I threw Kelly's straw at her. She laughed.

"No visual?"

"No. There hasn't been a good simulator for that yet. The visual patches for the stim suites are REALLY creepy. The mouths never move right, and the eyes...the eyes always look dead. And if you don't use one of those, you get vertigo. Mind/body disconnect. Not fun." She shrugged. "So, you keep your eyes closed and feel your way around."

Jack grinned. "So, you mindfucked him?"

Tali snorted delicately. "Um, yeah...you could say that." A brief pause. "And it was wonderful." Her happy sigh made me smile.

I leaned forward. "Your turn."

Tali looked around, then leaned forward. "It was after you and Garrus left the main battery the other night..."

---

"Have you talked to her since?" Garrus sat back, nursing his beer.

Joker sighed. "Not alone, no. You know I'm always in the cockpit..."

"Heh. Cockpit." Grunt gave a dirty drunken laugh, then went back to his drink.

"...and she's usually way down in Engineering, or with one of you guys."

"There is an elevator that goes to Engineering..." Mordin noted, sipping his wine. "Quite convenient."

Joker gave a growl. "Thanks, Doc."

"Happy to help."

Garrus shrugged. "He's right, though. It's not like it's hard to find her, and there's a nice secluded spot..." He was aware of eyes on him again. "...to TALK..." he added firmly, "at the end of that little catwalk."

"And if things go bad, I can hurl myself into the drive core!" Joker added brightly, then slumped again.

Grunt snorted at him. "If you are too weak to even speak to a female, you don't deserve her." He gestured at him dismissively. "Grow a quad, boy."

Joker stared, then laughed. "If I could grow a quad, I'd need new pants." He sat up. "But that's beside the point. You're right." He looked away, a look of disbelief on his face. "And I'm taking romantic advice from a krogan. But you're right." He stood, eyes full of resolve, hands on the table. "I'll go tell her right now!"

"Umm..." Garrus stood and caught him as he swayed dangerously. "How about we postpone the enthusiasm until you sober up a touch?"

"But I'm full of liquid courage right now!" Joker grinned up at him.

Garrus closed his eyes and shook his head. "Your 'liquid courage' is going to spill all over the floor if you don't sit your ass back down."

Grunt chuckled. Mordin nodded.

Joker sat back down, nearly missing his seat. "You may have a valid point."

"It's possible."


---

"Wow, now I want one of these neural stimulus things!" Kelly polished off her drink. "That sounds like a lot of fun."

"It was." Tali leaned back with a dreamy sigh. "I would never have thought... but Jeff was really..."

"Mentally agile?" I shot her a grin and took a swig on a Hallex-free whiskey. "Wait, Jeff?"

Tali sat up. "What?"

"You called him Jeff. Not Joker. You are totally into him!" I winced, realizing I sounded like a teenager, but fuck it, this was too good. "Huh."

"I...well...yeah." She shrugged. "I'm not really a one-night-stand kind of girl." Her head dropped a little and she finished her drink.

Kelly leaned forward. "What's wrong?"

"Well..." She looked into her empty glass. "He...hasn't talked to me since. Not once."

"What an asshole!" Jack tossed her empty glass at the table. A biotic spark danced across her fingertips. "Say the word and I'll snap him to bits!"

I stared at Jack for a long moment, surprised at her sudden defense of Tali's honor. Tali shook her head morosely.

"If he's not into me, he's not into me. It's not his fault. I can't blame him." She shrugged. "Not many men want to be in a relationship where they can't even touch the girl's arm. I mean, a lot of guys love the mystique of quarians, but once they realize they aren't getting the helmet off..." She made a little dismissive gesture. "...interest wanes."

I felt my temper flare a little. Tali was the next best thing to a kid sister. She'd had a shitty enough couple months without Joker being a dick. "Want me to talk to him?" I cracked my knuckles. "A little sensitivity training, perhaps?"

Tali laughed half-heartedly. "No. Just let it drop. I'll be fine."

"Okay..." I eyed her, then leaned over and hugged her. She made a little surprised noise, then returned the hug. "It's his loss." My voice was firm.

She squeezed a little tighter, then released me. "Thanks, Shepard."

"Anytime...and the offer holds." I smiled at her.

Jack looked introspective for a moment, then turned her gaze to Kelly. "How 'bout you, sorority girl? Any fun on the Normandy for you?"

"Oh look, we're out of drinks!" Kelly went to stand up and got a biotic nudge back into her seat. "Hey!"

"Uh-huh." Jack crossed her arms. "Thought so."

I looked at Kelly, a little surprised and suddenly very curious. "Um, Kelly?"

She blushed and murmured something that was drowned out by the music.

"What was that?" Tali perked up a little.

"Thane."

I fumbled my glass. Jack slid down into her seat.

"You're boning the Angsty Assassin?"

"We haven't. Not yet. But..." She sighed. "He's just so sweet and gentle and wounded and I just want to hold him and make him feel better..." She took another breath. "We went out for coffee before we left the Citadel. Did you know he writes poetry?"

"I'm not surprised..." I chuckled. "Well, good for you!" Maybe now he'll lay off the longing looks...

"Jump him!" Jack grinned. "Give him something to write about!"

Kelly sighed again, wistfully. "He's too much of a gentleman!"

"Exactly. Jump HIM!"

I couldn't stop smiling. Jack really seemed to be getting into the spirit of the evening. It felt good. Maybe some of it was the last of the Hallex, but most of it was the sweet feeling of success, of helping a friend.

"How about you, Jack?" I asked.

Jack shrugged. "Couple of the crew. Pete...something, and the tall skinny guy. Not really a lot of guys who are man enough to handle me. I get a little... biotic... in the moment sometimes."

"Is THAT why Jason was in the medbay?" Tali looked at Jack. Jack's laugh was full of evil. "Wow. That had to be an interesting conversation with Dr. Chakwas..."

Jack pondered a moment. "Well, let's see... Garrus is... out..." She glanced at me. I nodded firmly. "Thane... is way too morose for me anyways." She nodded at Kelly. "I'd break Joker into tiny pieces if I looked at him funny." She nodded at Tali. "I still might if he doesn't do right by you... Mordin?" A brief pause. "A little on the wrinkly side. That leaves who... the Cerberus Boy Scout and the krogan?"

"Jacob is kinda hot..." When I'd first come on board the new Normandy, admittedly, I'd been attracted to him. That was before Archangel, though.

"Yeah, but he's all...well-behaved and shit." Jack blew a raspberry. "Boring. Fuck that. Besides, I don't think he's into tattooed freaks like me."

I shrugged. "Hey, he could surprise you..." A part of me was wondering why I was attempting to unleash Jack upon an unwary Jacob. I decided that, for the moment, I didn't care. He could handle himself.

Kelly did the mental math. "That leaves Grunt."

"Huh. Never done a krogan before..." Jack looked introspective. Tali looked horrified.

"Make sure to stretch first. You kind of have to get down low, so it's really easy to hurt your back. And watch out for the plate edges, they're sharp." All eyes went to Kelly. "So I've heard," she added with a sultry little grin.

I blinked hard. But then, who am I to judge? It brought me back to thinking about Garrus.

I must have been smiling. "Yeah, Shepard knows all about plates..." Jack teased.

I shrugged. "Turian scales are a little blunted on the edges," I said matter-of-factly. "I don't get too scratched up."

"Too scratched up?" Tali's eyes widened.

I unclasped the neck of my shirt and opened it. I heard a "Woo! Take it off!" from somewhere behind us. Jack looked up with a feral grin and a handful of biotic energy. My fan became very interested in his drink again. She sneered and powered down.

"Pussy. Not worth it." Her eyes went back to me. "As you were saying..."

I tipped my head up. Garrus had tagged me with the still-jagged edge of his scarred scales a couple nights prior, leaving a pair of long, thin scratches on my neck that he kept apologizing for. "Nothing major."

"Damn, Shepard, you eat, sleep, and even FUCK danger!" Jack snorted, then looked at the empty glasses. "My drink's dead." She went to stand up, swayed, and sat back down with a thump. She frowned a moment at her glass. "Still dead."

I looked over at the bar and saw the shift changing, dancers and bartenders trading stations. What time...? I popped open my omni-tool. 4:00. Jesus.

Tali and Kelly were looking a little drowsy. Jack was fighting it harder, but I could see her wearing down too. "What do you say, ladies? Call it a night?" I looked at Jack, who seemed to be starting to protest. "Unless you want to go turian hunting, that is?"

Jack gave a snort, then hauled herself out of her seat again. "Nah, not tonight. Someone's gotta make sure you girls get back to the ship alive."

As a unit, we rose and immediately wound up leaning on each other, a wall of inebriated femininity. With giggles and snorts, we stumbled towards the door.

---

We got to the Normandy airlock just in time to see the boys staggering towards us. Grunt was supporting Joker on one side and Garrus on the other, laughing under his breath. Mordin seemed to be moving fine on his own, though not necessarily in a straight line.

Garrus's head popped up. He smiled at me as they approached. "Shepard," he said casually, stepping away from Grunt and putting up a hand to lean on the Normandy's bulkhead. He missed by two inches. I caught him, my back slamming into the bulkhead, Garrus leaning against my chest. "Oof! Sorry!" I laughed at him, then planted my hands on his chest and pressed him up into a standing position. We stood for a moment, swaying.

"Kiss him already!" Jack slurred enthusiastically. We looked at her, then each other. I shrugged. So did he. Our foreheads met, a little harder than intended, my fingers tracing up his neck. His hands gripped my waist. I looked up and kissed him on the nose. Tali and Kelly applauded. "Fuck that, slip him the tongue!" Jack hollered.

I had just enough Hallex left in my system. I obliged. Garrus's eyes got big, then closed. I heard Grunt give a cheer too. Joker made a pained noise. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mordin carefully extract Joker from the krogan's enthusiastic grip. We stepped apart, both grinning like kids.

I saw Joker look up and see Tali. Tali looked at him, then looked away. My stomach knotted. Joker pulled himself off Mordin, caught his balance, and stepped over to her.

"Hi. I'm an ass. How are you?" He studied his feet for a moment, then looked at her.

Tali saw me watching and nodded to me. I surveyed the rest of the group and hiked my head towards the airlock door. Impressively, they all got the message, and we filed into the ship, leaving Joker and Tali to their own devices.

Garrus stepped over to me as we walked in, putting an arm around my waist half to support me, half to support himself. "You think they'll be ok?"

I glanced back. They were sitting on the ground, facing each other. Joker was talking. Tali was watching him. "Yeah, I think they'll manage."

"How about you?" He looked into my eyes and squinted slightly. "Are you ok?" There was concern in his voice. "Your eyes..."

I groaned and shook my head. "Jack...decided I needed something more than whiskey." I saw fire ignite in his eyes and tightened my grip on him. "It's ok. Worked out for the best. I can survive one Hallex."

"Hallex?" His gaze turned curious. "Are you still...?"

"A little." I shrugged. "No worse for wear...though I'll admit to a couple of side effects." The rest of the group was ahead of us, veering through the CIC. My hand slid lower, tweaking a scale-free bit of Garrus's ass. He jumped, then laughed.

The airlock door closed behind us. As it did, I saw Joker reach out and take Tali's hand. I looked up at Garrus and smiled.

Ahead of us, I heard Jack say something to Grunt. Grunt made a startled noise, then looked down at Jack. She grinned up at him. "Oh, dear god..." I sighed, my free hand covering my face. Garrus gave me a curious sidelong look, shrugged, and kept walking with me. "Never mind. Just... never mind."

Mordin gave us a little salute and headed towards the lab. Kelly joined us in the elevator, looking pensive. She stepped off on the main crew deck. I saw her look over at the life support room, then turn and walk towards hers. Another time...

Garrus guided me into my room, then scooped me up. He swayed dangerously as he carried me over to the bed, then half-dropped me and stumbled, landing next to me with a less-than-dignified thump.

I rolled to face him. "Good night?"

"Heh. Yeah. Good night. You?" He rearranged himself to face me.

"Yeah."

"Good." He leaned forward and nuzzled my cheek, his mandible tracing along my neck. I closed my eyes... and felt very, very tired. My eyes must have stayed closed a little longer than I intended. I heard him chuckle, felt him lie down and put his arm around me, pulling me up against his chest. "Good," he repeated softly into my hair as I drifted off to sleep.


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