Dialogue Interlude: The Miss Normandy Pageant

"You're not seriously going to let her compete, are you?" Miranda's scorn was mixed with disbelief as Serenity took down Jack's measurements. "It's a beauty contest, Serenity, not a spitting contest."
"You're just worried you won't win, huh, cheerleader?" Jack grinned. "I know how to walk in heels, bitch. It's not fucking rocket science."
Miranda crossed her arms and stared at Jack. "I was more worried about the swimsuit." She stared pointedly at Jack's chest.
"Hey, some guys like the little itty bitty look," said Tali helpfully.
"Okay, that went too far, Tali." Serenity frowned. "She filled out the paperwork like everyone else, so she gets to be in the pageant." Serenity considered for a moment. "And for the record, Jack's breasts aren't that small. She'll fill out a swimsuit just fine."
"Not as well as I will!" snapped Miranda.
"Well, no."
"Fuck the both of you!" snarled Jack.
"I'm free later," said Serenity suggestively. "Don't know how you'll convince Miranda, though."
Miranda and Jack stared at Serenity, who grinned evilly, and continued entering measurements without saying a word. They then looked at each other before storming off the deck to their respective quarters.
"You really enjoy doing that, don't you?" Tali laughed.
"Keeps them on their toes."
"What would you do if one of them actually took you up on your comments and actually showed up in your cabin?"
Serenity looked at Tali. "I'd do what any red-blooded Alliance Soldier would do with a woman in my cabin."
"Play cards?"
Serenity shrugged. "Probably."
Jacob chuckled, distracted for a moment from the vision of Miranda walking away. "Jack filled out paperwork? Really?"
Serenity grinned. "Yeah, she got Thane to help her, since 'he doesn't like human women.'" Serenity burst out laughing. "That was pretty funny to watch."
Jacob raised an eyebrow. "She said that to Thane?"
"Repeatedly."
Jacob shook his head. "Cruel, cruel woman."
"Oh, I don't know. I think it worked out in the end, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, that explains the trip to Omega to get a lizard tattoo."
"Moving on!" said Serenity. "Okay, so we have an M.C. - "
"MC Taylor in the house!" chanted Jacob, throwing his arms up in the air.
"Stop that. Tali and I will be doing the commentator bit, Legion is doing the lights and sound - "
"And we're seriously going to be broadcasting our beauty contest to the geth? Nobody else thinks this is crazy?" Tali demanded.
Serenity shrugged. "Legion said they would be interested. It's not like it's sensitive military data. It's a bunch of organics acting like dogs and staring at hot chicks for two hours. Maybe he'll learn a punchline besides 'Data not available.'"
Tali shook her head.
"He was pretty disappointed to find that Creator-Tali wouldn't be participating in the swimsuit competition."
"What?" Tali realized what Serenity had just said, and threw some excess packaging at her. "Not funny!"
Jacob laughed. "You believed her for a second, didn't you?"
"Shut up, both of you." Tali sulked and went back to uploading designs for the walkway.
"And now we just have to find judges."
Jacob laughed to himself. "For the judges, you ought to make a new Council."
"What?"
"You know, a Human, an Asari, a Turian, and a Salarian."
Serenity shook her head. "Salarians have no sex drive, that wouldn't work."
"Have someone sit in for the Salarian, then," Tali suggested.
"Like what?" Jacob asked.
"I dunno, a Volus? Or, maybe Wrex is free?" said Tali, uncertain.
Serenity started laughing. "Wrex! Wrex would be perfect!"
"Who would you get for the Turian? Garrus?" Jacob asked.
"No, Garrus and Joker want to be Statler and Waldorf."
Tali stared blankly at Serenity. "Who?"
Serenity shook her head. "No, I'm not going to explain. Garrus is busy, we have to find another Turian who likes Human women."
"Oh, that will be difficult. Where will you find one of those?" said Jacob sarcastically. "They're so rare!"
"But he has to be articulate and personable, so I can't just pick any merc off the streets of Omega. Oh! I know! I'll see if Lorik Qui'in is available." Serenity made a quick note on her datapad.
"Qui'in? The Administrator of Port Hanshan? The guy who hires Cerberus spies as administrative assistants on purpose?"
"Note to self," Serenity murmured, "remind him that Kelly already has a job."
"Well, we can't argue with his taste, at any rate. Asari?"
"Hrm... I wonder if Aethyta would be interested."
"Show her Miranda's ass, she'll be interested."
"Good point."
"And now for the Human...." Serenity considered. "This is going to be hard."
Tali snickered.
"Quiet, you. We can't ask any Alliance officers, they'd have a conflict of interest. And we can't have any Cerberus officers, they'd get arrested."
Tali cheered.
"Quiet, you," said Jacob. "So who can you ask?"
Serenity shrugged. "I think I'll just wander the Citadel and ask random people."
"That ... that shouldn't work."
"Well, let's go find out."
She sent off the last set of designs and measurements, then headed to the shuttle with Tali and Jacob in tow. They landed at the Citadel, still arguing over who would be a good prospective Human judge for their admittedly improper beauty pageant.
"Commander Shepard? Holy hell, it's really you!"
Serenity started at the familiar voice. "What the - you're alive! And you haven't tried to sell me anything!" She pulled her former Requisitions Officer into a friendly hug. "How have you been? What are you up to these days?"
"Surviving, got assigned to the Berlin a while back. What are you doing here?"
"Trying to find someone to judge my beauty pageant. Here." Serenity uploaded the advertisement she had designed for her network of friends and an invitation to the pageant to his omni-tool. "You should come! Bring some friends, so long as they're loud and appreciate half-naked women."
"Ah, so no Quarians then." He glanced at Tali with a quick smile. "If you're looking for a crowd, Commander, I can certainly help you with that."
"And if you're looking for a Quarian," Tali smacked Serenity on the side of her head before she could finish, a move Tali had learned from Jacob. "Never mind, we'll just be going." As Tali turned away, Serenity whispered, "Check the Used Starship store, her name's Lia'Vael."
"Serenity!"
"I gotta go!" Serenity scampered away, leaving her former Requisitions Officer with a huge smile on his face. He started forwarding the message around as he walked away.

"Anderson! Anderson, you have to help me!" Serenity ran into the Ambassador's office, Jacob and Tali following. "We have to hide! Quick!"
Tali scooted under a desk, and with impeccable Quarian skill, made herself practically invisible. Jacob and Serenity took opposite sides of the door and dropped over the railing.
"What the - " Anderson didn't get to finish his sentence before Admiral Hackett stormed in.
"Anderson! Did you know about this?" He thrust a datapad into Anderson's hands.
Bewildered, Anderson looked down and saw an advertisement for the "Miss Normandy Beauty Pageant," to be held on Noveria, with an encrypted keyword link to follow for more information and a chance to win a special invitation. "This is a joke, right?"
"No, it isn't," said Hackett grimly. "I don't know what Cerberus is up to with this."
"Do you think those are real?"
Hackett realized that Anderson was asking about the scantily clad bosom on the advertisement. "Anderson, focus."
"I'm trying to." Anderson tore his eyes away from the advertisement. "I didn't know you were on Serenity's mailing list."
"What?"
Anderson walked over to his secondary monitor and pulled up the whole mailing that Serenity had designed and sent to him before going 'public' to her secret mailing list. "It's genuine, Hackett, at least as far as Shepard is concerned. Nothing more than two hours of T&A, designer clothes, and really bad jokes. ERCS is doing security, and I was trying to decide if it was worth sending in some extra people."
"Somehow that message got on the Berlin, and now everyone wants shore leave," Hackett fumed. "What am I supposed to do?"
Anderson considered, tried not to look at his desk. "Why don't you just send them to Noveria?" Anderson looked at Hackett and tried not to laugh. "We can rig up some excuse. Maybe buying something from Binary Helix. It doesn't matter how flimsy the excuse is, I know the Administrator will be very accommodating."
"Why would Noveria let an Alliance cruiser into their space?"
"First, because that would offset the Turian cruiser that already demanded an invitation. Second, because the Administrator wants a big crowd for the show, since he's one of the judges. And most important, because an Alliance cruiser will be staffed with even more female Humans for the Administrator to ogle."
"What... why would... I need a drink." Hackett shook his head, paced around the office, and didn't immediately notice when Tali handed him the glass that Anderson had filled. "Thanks," Hackett swallowed the whiskey in one gulp, handed her back the glass, and finally did a double take. "Tali!"
"Hello!"
"What are you doing here?"
Tali pointed behind Hackett where Serenity and Jacob were climbing back into Anderson's office.
Anderson poured more drinks and handed them around. "The purple one is for Tali," Anderson said rather unnecessarily.
"Shepard, what is this?" Hackett held up the datapad.
"It was a joke, or it was supposed to be. But someone thought it was a good idea, so I started getting it set up. And then it got out of hand. It was the dresses that did it."
"What?"
Serenity sighed, knocked back her drink. "I asked an old friend to ask her boss if he would design a dress for Miranda." Serenity did a quick outline of Miranda's shape. "Well, apparently he bragged to another designer that he was designing a dress for a secret pro-Human beauty pageant. The next thing I know, all these designers are demanding that I use their clothes. And that we can't just do it on the ship, so we ended up being sent to Noveria. I tried to get out of it, but it didn't work. All I wanted was to play with my crewmates like they were Barbie™ dolls!"
"You couldn't just say no?"
"I don't think fashion designers can hear the word 'no.' It took me two weeks to convince Alexei Klein that I wasn't going to wear a dress. And every time I complained, I got more resources thrown at me. I think they all just want to see the swimsuits."
"Custom, one-of-a-kind swimsuits, designed to flatter and enhance each contestant's individual assets," clarified Jacob with a little nod.
Hackett shook his head in disbelief.
"Now I just need to find a Human for the judging. Someone respectable, but who won't get in trouble for it."
Anderson considered, while Hackett stared at the datapad in disbelief.
"So," Hackett finally asked, "are those real?"
Jacob nodded. "One hundred percent."
"I know!" Anderson walked over to his work station. "That Cerberus woman, she's a biotic, right?"
"Yes," said Serenity uncertainly.
"We can get Burns to do it!"
"Who?"
"Martin Burns, the Transhuman Subcommittee Chairman. If there is a Human biotic involved, he can make a good political case to avoid any backlash."
"In that case, there are two Human biotics involved."
"Perfect!"
Hackett looked curiously at Anderson, then shrugged.
Serenity grinned at Hackett. "Are you going to come watch the show, Admiral?"
Hackett shook his head. "No, I don't think I can."
"Oh, well in that case, let Tali set you up with the private broadcast."
"Here," Tali started uploading the information to Hackett's omni-tool.
"I don't recognize this comm relay protocol."
Tali laughed. "It's not Cerberus, if that's what you're wondering. Some... friends of mine set it up for us."
"Oh, so it's Quarian then."
"Err..." Tali was blushing under her helmet, but no one except Serenity could tell. "Closer to Quarian than anything else, yes. It's not official or anything. Don't worry so much, Admiral."
"Oh, right," Hackett grinned. "I'll just tap into an illegal broadcast on pirated comm relays so I can watch scantily clad women prance around for two hours. Nothing that a highly-placed Alliance official should worry about. So, Tali, what will you be wearing?"
"What is with you Humans and Quarian women? It's unnatural!"
"We found a budding Quarian fashion designer on his Pilgrimage and got him a job with the House of Zaitsev! She's going to be wearing this incredible white and gold exosuit!" Serenity grinned, made a quick gesture referring to Tali's shapely hips. "The Flotilla Admiralty Board has already condemned it as a horrible waste of resources."
"Oh, I have to see this."
Tali groaned. "I hate you all."

[]

Serenity smiled, and looked at her reflection in the hotel mirror again. The shirt, crisp white linen; a mandarin collar. The suit, perfect black pinstripes. Classical tailoring. Squarely cut, with masculine lines that made her look slightly androgynous and incredibly appealing. Jade cufflinks. A gold silk scarf instead of a tie, and a matching pocket square at her breast. Silver-buckled grey leather ankle boots that matched the stripes of her suit. "Sharp enough for a man, but made for a woman," she chuckled to herself. Her short black hair just brushed the edges of her collar. "This will be fun."
Serenity straightened her scarf and walked next door. "Tali? Are you ready?"
Tali opened the door. "I can't go out like this."
Serenity's jaw dropped open. Who knew exosuits could be so revealing? The new polymer was both form-fitting and protective, but the constant shimmer meant it was impractical for everyday use. However, this wasn't an everyday exosuit. This was a deliberately clingy, white polymer suit enhanced with gold fibers and set with gold and platinum fittings from hood to toe. The wrap was patterned with gold and white, with a gold border. Tali was sparkling. And shapely.
"We can stay in if you like, but I can't guarantee the suit stays on."
Tali crossed her arms impatiently. "I know you can't see me under the hood, Shepard, but my eyes are up here."
"Right. Because I care about your eyes right now. Tali, I'm going to need extra weapons to keep everyone off you."
"Wait, I thought you said we couldn't bring weapons."
"Yeah, and you said exosuits weren't sexy. It appears we were both wrong."
Tali didn't immediately respond.
"Er... are you blushing?"
"Forget it, Shepard, let's just go."
Serenity offered Tali her arm, and Tali took it with a little laugh. They walked down to the next door to pick up Jacob, who filled out his Sean John suit most stunningly.
"Well, hello, ladies," Jacob leered. "Hoo-rah! Damn, Tali, you got it goin' on!"
Serenity burst out laughing, and Tali blushed again.
"Are all Humans hormonally hyperactive, or is it just your ship?"
"Woman, have you looked in a mirror? 'Cause, damn!"
"My mirror tells me that I am wasting precious resources that could be put to better use!"
"Tali, there is no better use right now than showin' off that ass. Seriously."
"And I need to have a talk with your mirror," said Serenity. "It needs to learn how to lighten up."
"I'd rather have a talk with her ass. A good, long, hard talk."
Tali resorted to violence, and whapped Jacob on the side of his head. "Let's go."
They started toward the main elevator. The doors opened to reveal Garrus, Thane, and Joker, who all looked very sad and serious. Garrus was holding a bouquet of slightly wilted flowers.
"Tali," Garrus sounded horribly nervous and upset, "I just want you to know, that if you want to leave me for Commander Shepard, I... I understand. I... I'll never be half the man she is." He choked back a fake sob.
"You son of a - " Serenity bounded for the door, but Thane threw up a biotic barrier, and she stopped herself before slamming into it.
"GO GO GO!" shouted Garrus as he and Joker practically fell over laughing. Thane hit the button, the elevator doors closed and they disappeared.
"I'm going to kill him."
"I know! He left with my flowers!"
Serenity glared at Tali, who giggled.
Jacob choked back laughter. "Yeah, this is going to be a fun evening."
They took the elevator to the main floor, found themselves right at the edge of a newly declared "Passing Zone," and overheard a Human pilot explaining the concept to a Turian medic.
"Yeah, so, if you're in this area, you're not supposed to leave without making a pass at another person," said the pilot cheerfully as he sipped his drink.
"A pass?"
"Yeah, a sexually suggestive comment that invites further sexual contact. Usually you try to be subtle about it, but sometimes being blatant helps."
"I'm not sure I follow," said the Turian, and looked very seriously at the young pilot.
"You know, a pick up line. Like, I could say something about how your armor would look better on the floor next to my bed."
"So it would."
"Yeah, and then.... Wait, what? Wait a minute. Are you hitting on me?"
Serenity laughed and headed backstage with Tali and Jacob. "Good to know the open bar is going to good use."

Lorik looked curiously at Serenity. "You know, I never knew you were, er... interested in women."
"I'm not," Serenity said, slightly defensively. "They're interested in me."
"Oh really?"
Serenity sighed. "Yes, really. I prefer men, personally. Well, one in particular. But I can't stop women from throwing themselves at me, can I?"
"And your ... one... he doesn't mind?"
Serenity shrugged.
Jack peeked out from the dressing room, saw Serenity in conversation with Lorik Qui'in. "I bet you anything she's giving him the 'It's not cheating if it's with the same sex' speech."
"What?"
Jack looked over at Miranda. "You've never heard that one? She has to be really drunk to bring it up first, but if you ask her she'll start going on about it." Jack glanced over at Serenity again, grinned. "I'm gonna go fuck with her head." Jack wrapped herself in a robe and scampered out to where Serenity was standing. The other contestants watched curiously. Jack, looking very serious, pulled Serenity's head down so she could whisper in her ear. After a few seconds, Jack turned back and ran away, leaving Serenity gritting her teeth and pointedly not looking at Jack.
"What did you say to her?" Miranda asked curiously.
Jack grinned. "I didn't say anything," she said and waggled her pierced tongue suggestively.
Gabby burst out laughing. "Oh, that is awesome! My turn, my turn!" She wriggled at the clasp of her bathing suit, threw a towel haphazardly around her waist, and ran out to Serenity. "Commander, could you fix this for me? It's totally gonna fall off!" Gabby clutched at her bathing suit top just before it did exactly that, which made her towel slip, revealing her beautifully freckled upper thigh. "Oh crap!"
Lorik fumbled his drink in shock.
Serenity grit her teeth again, and helped Gabby put herself back together. "Why didn't you ask one of the others to help you?"
Gabby pretended to frown. "How do you think it got loose in the first place? Anyway, thanks a million, Commander!" Gabby flashed her brightest smile, and ran back to the dressing room.
Lorik stared at Serenity. "Does that happen to you often?"
Serenity shook her head. "They're doing it on purpose."
"Really?" Lorik sipped his drink slowly, and showed no inclination to move.
Back in the dressing room, Miranda adjusted her bathrobe and waited a decent interval before running out to Serenity. "Look!" She held out her leg, showing off her slippers. "Bunny slippers! Aren't these just great?" she gushed. Waited until she saw the flush rising on Serenity's face and knew perfectly well that Serenity wasn't looking at her admittedly adorable fuzzy pink slippers but rather a bit higher. Miranda laughed, pulled her robe so it was closed all the way, and ran back to the dressing room to a chorus of wild laughter from the others.
Lorik frowned. "I think I missed something."
"I need another drink," said Serenity and stalked over to the bar.
"No fair," pouted Kelly. "I haven't had my chance yet."
"Just wait," advised Jack. "She'll be back."
"Are you sure?" Kelly asked.
Jack looked pointedly around the room. "This room is full of hot chicks who are all trying to get a rise out of her. She'll be back."
Kelly looked around the room, and a light seemed to go off over her head as she came up with an idea. Giggling, she pulled the others close and began to whisper her plan.
Serenity had roamed the room, making sure that the Urdnots were comfortably settled on the far side of the room from the Turians, using the Humans and the small group of visiting Asari as a buffer between them. The Judges' dais was all set, as was the table where she would be sitting with Tali. Across from them, in the balcony, were Garrus and Joker, checking each other's tuxedos and obviously planning out their plans to annoy Serenity later in the evening. Tali was talking with Lia, who was also wearing a creation from the new line of exosuits from the House of Zaitsev. No longer half-starved and browbeaten, her rounded figure and confident poise were ample reason for the crowd surrounding the two Quarian women.
Serenity smiled, helped Jacob with some setup on the stage, and eventually found herself standing next to Lorik again. "What are you doing?"
The Administrator gestured towards the door of the dressing room. "They keep peeking out at me."
"What are they up to now?" Serenity grumbled.
With a terrified shriek, Kelly ran out of the dressing room and right into Serenity. "Oh! Commander! Thank the Maker!" She pulled the flimsy dressing gown tighter, and hid behind Serenity. "Kill it! Do something!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"There's a bug! In the room!" Kelly pointed, shaking, at the door of the dressing room.
"I never should have put you all in the same room," Serenity muttered.
"There are no bugs on Noveria, that's impossible," said Lorik sharply.
"Well there's something in there!" Kelly snapped back.
Serenity shook her head and entered the dressing room. Miranda and Gabby were clad only in their underwear, clutching each other and hiding by the far wall. "Jack! No!"
Jack, who was wearing a large towel wrapped around her, released a surge of biotic energy and turned towards Serenity. "Fine, then you do something about it! It went under there!" She pointed at one of the makeup tables.
Serenity bent down and looked under the table. "Hrm." She pulled off her jacket, handed it to Miranda, and crawled under the table. Moved aside one of the storage bins holding the various accouterments that went with the outfits. "Does anyone have a flashlight?"
"Did you find something?" asked Kelly nervously.
"Yeah, it looks like there's a hole here. I want to get a closer look."
Kelly turned to Lorik. "Pay up," she purred.
Lorik sighed, and pulled out a credit chit.
Serenity crawled out from underneath the table. "What?"
Kelly smiled. Leaned over, her hands on her knees, purred. "I bet him that if we got you on your hands and knees and showed you a hole, the first thing you would do is try to get a really good look at it."
Serenity stood up, brushing lint and dust from her pants, and walked over to Miranda, who was wearing her jacket and giggling silently. Without a word she pulled her jacket off Miranda, and started to leave the room - but not before Miranda noticed a half-smile on her face. Miranda started to laugh openly, and Serenity had trouble keeping the frown on her face as she left the room. She paused to grab Lorik, who would happily have stayed behind, and dragged him out of the room. "Okay, you've all had your fun. Now get dressed!"
The women gathered at the door, and in perfect concert waved good-bye to Serenity, then blew her a parting kiss before they closed the door.

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to the First Miss Normandy Beauty Pageant!" Jacob waited for the cheering to die down before continuing. "My name is Jacob Taylor, and I'll be your host for the evening. I hope everyone is ready to see the very best in beautiful women tonight!" Jacob grinned. "First off, let's do some introductions. Our Judging Council, consisting of: Chairman Martin Burns, from the Transhuman Subcommitte!" Burns got up, took a bow. "Port Hanshan's very own Administrator, Lorik Qui'in," Lorik got up and bowed as well, raising his glass to the group of visiting Asari. "And since Salarians have no sex drive, we have invited the greatly respected Clan Leader, Urdnot Wrex, to take their place on our Council!" Wrex grinned widely and bowed to the crowd. "And last, but certainly not least, an Asari Matriarch we would all like to get behind, Matriarch Aethyta of Illium!" Aethyta, dressed in proper Matriarchial robes, stood and bowed politely to a chorus of wild cheers as her cleavage was revealed to the crowd. She chuckled and sat down again.
Jacob went on. "And those are our judges. Now let me introduce our official commentators, Tali'Zorah," Tali stood and curtsied, as Serenity had shown her and told her to do. All the men in the rows nearest the table where Tali and Serenity were sitting fell over. "You're right, Shepard, that was just like penguins."
Serenity laughed, Tali blushed and sat down again.
"I hate you," Tali whispered, forgetting that her mic was already connected.
Serenity had to hide her head in her arms to stop laughing, while Jacob, choking back a laugh, went on with the introductions. "And I'm sure I don't need to introduce Serenity Shepard to everyone, but I will," Jacob grinned at Serenity, who appeared to have recovered. "Also, just so you all know - she helped design all the swimsuits and dresses you'll be seeing this evening, so that's one more thing to thank her for."
"Thank you, Commander Shepard!" the entire room said as one.
Since Serenity couldn't see the teleprompter screen that Joker and Garrus had set up, that came as quite a shock to her, and she turned bright red in embarrassment. Joker nearly fell over laughing at the sight of Serenity completely speechless.
"Moving on," said Jacob quickly. "I've been asked not to validate the unofficial commentators by introducing them, so I won't."
With perfect timing, the spotlight swung over to the balcony where Joker and Garrus were sitting.
"Security through obscurity, eh?" sneered Joker.
"What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," snapped Garrus.
"You're telling me. Wait, shut up, he's about to get to the part where he introduces the women."
"Women. So wait, any woman can join this pageant?"
Joker pulled out a datapad. "No, the rules state that they have to have served on the Normandy."
"Does it say they have to be women?"
Joker stared at Garrus as if he was insane. "What kind of question is that?"
"Well, I'm just wondering what definition you crazy people are using."
Joker made a noise of disgust, and the datapad beeped as he pulled up the rules. "Okay, woman, defined as 'an adult female.'"
"What? That's a useless and roundabout definition. What's a female?"
"Do I really have to explain this to you?" asked Joker impatiently while the crowd snickered.
"I mean, for the rules. It is in there, right? Otherwise you could have entered the contest."
Joker glared at Garrus, and pulled up a new entry on the datapad. "Let's see here, the Standard Galactic Dictionary. Female, defined as 'of, relating to, or being the sex that bears young or produces eggs, one bearing all the characteristics of the female of a species, such as, one who has slept with and/or has plans to sleep with Commander Shepard.'"
There was a distinct pause, and then everyone in the room pulled out their omni-tool and accessed the dictionary.
"I am going to kill you two," gasped Serenity as she read the newly updated definition.
Joker and Garrus were both too convulsed with laughter to reply, as were most of the people in the room.
"Oooh, it needs pictures," said Tali. Serenity looked at her in disbelief. "Well, it does!" said Tali defensively.
Jacob coughed, and the spotlight returned to the stage. "Well, now that we've settled the nature of our contestants, why don't we move on to introducing them?"
Gabby walked onstage, smiling, wearing a dark blue, one-piece swimsuit with open sides. The top was held closed by a jeweled clasp that sparkled just under her dark red hair as she turned, showing off the low-cut back. Her heels were classic black pumps, dangerously high, but showed off her toned calves excellently.
"Our first contestant, Gabriella Daniels!"
Everyone cheered, and Gabby smiled at the crowd.
"Tell us about yourself, Gabby. What do you do?"
"I'm an engineer," Gabby waited while the wild cheering from fellow geeks, led by her cohort Kenn, died down. "I'm really good with my hands. I love working on engines, and making sure that everything is well-maintained down below." Gabby delivered the wicked double entendre without blushing.
"Right," said Jacob, trying not to smile. "Our next contestant is Miranda Lawson. Just so everyone knows, I saw her first. And I'm armed."
Miranda walked down the runway with a wide grin, and flashed a bright smile at Jacob, displaying her perfect body clad in a scanty, solid black, mostly backless, haltertop swimsuit. Her heels were sparkling red, and when she turned to display the rear of the swimsuit there was an audible gasp from the men in the front.
"Well, Miranda, why don't you tell us something about yourself?"
Miranda smiled. "All right then. We're still not actually dating, Jacob. Remember?" She smiled for the crowd and sauntered back to the lineup area, to a chorus of wild laughter at the look on Jacob's face.
"Right. Serves me right. Okay, our next contestant is, oh huh... weird. Hey, Shepard, could you come up here for a second?"
Serenity walked up to the stage and stood next to Jacob, who was fumbling with a datapad. While she was facing him, her back was to the contestants' entrance. She heard someone walking on stage, and turned to see who it was.
"Our next contestant," said Jacob triumphantly, "is Doctor Liara T'Soni, formerly of the Normandy." He grinned at the shock on Serenity's face. "By the way, this was totally my idea."
Liara walked up, wearing a solid white strapless bikini top with a minuscule high-cut bottom, and matching white open-toed high heels. "Aren't you going to say hello?"
Serenity stared at Jacob, then grabbed the microphone from him and jumped down into the crowd. "Typical Alliance soldier! A half-naked Asari has just appeared behind you. What would you say?"
The random soldier mumbled something incoherent about blue.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's try someone else. Random Turian soldier! A half-naked Asari -"
"You're blocking my view. Please, I will never see something like this again!"
"Right, sorry. Anyway, I think I've made my point." Serenity handed back the microphone and climbed back onstage, glad that she wasn't wearing a dress. "Liara! Hi!"
Liara pouted. "That's all the greeting I get?"
Serenity considered, then swept Liara into a breathtaking kiss.
"Well." Jacob checked his watch. "They have to come up for air eventually." He waited another minute. "Okay, that's enough, Shepard. Shepard?" He looked around. "Anyone got any ideas?"
Miranda ran up to where Liara and Serenity were still locked together. "I have one!"
"Oh good," said Jacob. "Maybe you could.... Oh... my...."
Miranda's idea didn't have anything to do with making them stop kissing, it was to pull one of Serenity's arms around her and join in. Her idea worked admirably, as far as the crowd was concerned, judging by the roar.
Wrex chuckled from the judge's dias. "I think you're gonna need a hose."
"Or a crowbar," said Aethyta.
"A hose and a crowbar."
Jacob tried again. "Uh, Shepard, could you... hello? Miranda? Anybody?"
"Shut up!" shouted someone from the crowd. "And move out of the way!"
Tali sighed. "Fine, I'll do it." Tali walked up to the stage, but Serenity broke the kiss as soon as she heard Tali's feet on the stage. "Come on, Shepard. Now." Tali pointed back to the commentator's table.
Liara and Miranda were leaning on each other, arms around each other's waist, both looking slightly dazed and staring at Serenity as she walked back to the commentator's table. Serenity fixed her jacket and sat down without speaking, just licked her lips a few times and took another sip of her drink without meeting anyone's eyes.
"Miranda, we have to have a talk later on. Since we all know way too much about Dr. T'Soni now, I guess I should introduce the next contestant, Kelly Chambers. Miranda, could you please stop clinging to Dr. T'Soni?"
"What? Oh!" Miranda let go and stepped away with a blush.
Liara looked away nervously. "I blame Shepard."
Miranda nodded in agreement.
Kelly walked up to Jacob, wearing high-heeled black leather strappy sandals that laced across her instep and around her shapely ankles. Her swimsuit was patterned with green and white tiger stripes, cut very deep in the front and on the sides, and almost completely backless, cupping her curves sharply. She paused, turned neatly on her toes, showing off the front and back of her swimsuit, to a chorus of wild cheers.
"Well, tell us something about yourself, Kelly," said Jacob.
Kelly smiled sweetly. "I'm a trained counselor, but most people don't know that I'm also a licensed massage therapist!"
"Is that why your room has that couch?" quipped Garrus.
Joker pretended to slap him. "Do not mock the couch, my friend."
Kelly didn't break her smile or miss a beat. "I'm pretty sure the couch is big enough, Garrus, but I've never given a massage to a Turian," she said in her sweetest, most innocent voice. "You weren't interested last time you were in my room. Not in a massage, anyway...."
"Garrus, you're a dead man," snarled Tali.
Garrus gulped nervously.
With a satisfied smirk and a round of appreciative laughter from the crowd, Kelly walked back to the lineup.
"And our final contestant, last but certainly not least, Jack!"
Grunt led the Urdnots in a chorus of wild howls as Jack stalked down the runway, showing off her glittering blood-red halter-top spandex bikini with a scanty boycut bottom. She was wearing matching red leather ankle boots, that laced up the side, and when she got to the end of the platform, she knelt down and took off her shoes.
"Check this shit out!" she bragged, showing off her tattoos that went all the way down to her toes. Of course, such a pose naturally attracts attention to a well-shaped leg, and in Jack's case, a very finely arched foot.
Most of the people at the front of the stage beat a fast retreat as the Krogans rushed up to get a good look at Jack's toes. A few Asari held their ground, but the shared admiration of Jack's feet prevented any further disturbance.
"Okay, I'm going to have to ask you not to touch the contestants until after the pageant is over," said Jacob politely. "And may I remind you, I'm armed. And a biotic."
Jack's admirers reluctantly backed away, and Jack walked to the lineup, her shoes tied together and tossed over her shoulder.
"Jack, did you really tell them that your toes taste like candy?" Jacob asked.
"Yeah," Jack grinned, "I dipped them in ryncol!"
"I like her," observed Wrex.
"And those are our lovely contestants!" Jacob gestured towards the line of women. In perfect synchronization, they all struck a chorus line pose and smiled at the spotlight to wild applause. "And now, it's time for our first uncommercial break, sponsored by Rodam Expeditions! The perfect antidote to boredom - Rodam Expeditions! Located on Level 28, Zakera Ward of the Citadel."
While Jacob was talking, the stagehands set up a projector and Jack and Gabby posed as if they were holding up the screen. Liara and Miranda quickly shrugged on lab coats, and Miranda put on a pair of fake glasses while Liara took the laser pointer. Serenity grinned, realizing that everyone must have known about secretly adding Liara to the lineup, and shook her head in mock disgust. Liara flashed her a bright smile, then went back to the little fake commercial break that they had come up with. Kelly took the microphone from Jacob when he was done, and began the skit.
The screen changed to display the word: "Species."
"Hello, everyone. We're going to give you a quick demonstration on the differences between the various species in Council space, using a simple theoretical experiment," said Kelly.
Miranda pulled out a datapad and used it to advance the presentation by one slide, and it now displayed two tin cans and a piece of string.
"The parameters of the experiment were, to leave two members of the same species alone in a room, with two tin cans and one piece of string." As Kelly spoke, Liara highlighted each item on the screen. "We would return in one Standard hour, to see how each species responded to the stimuli."
The next screen appeared, displaying an Asari commando, standing at attention and an Asari scientist, holding a datapad.
"We're going to go alphabetically, so Species one will be the Asari." The screen changed to show a closed door. "When we returned in an hour, we found," the screen changed to show the two Asari, naked and cuddling each other on the floor. "Three Asari. Possibly four. Note that the tin cans and string," Liara pointed to them, lying on the table in the room, "are untouched."
"Species two," the screen changed to show two Batarians scowling at the audience. "The Batarians. When we returned," the screen now showed one Batarian standing on the table, and the other cowering in the corner. "One Batarian was oppressing the other in the name of the Tin Can gods, and their holy prophet, the String." Everyone in the audience burst out laughing.
"Species three," the screen displayed two Drell, sitting in quiet meditation, "the Drell, who in one hour," Miranda advanced to the next slide, showing the two Drell in the exact same pose but inside the room, "remembered a lifetime's worth of memories that are all more interesting than some silly tin cans and string."
"Species four," the screen displayed two Elcor. "The Elcor, who needed a different room because they didn't fit in the closet we were originally using." The screen displayed two Elcor, each holding up one tin can connected to the other by the string. In a perfect imitation of the Elcor monotone, Kelly explained, "Sensibly, the Elcor created a communications device. Humorously, they used it to talk to each other and enjoyed how it changed the sound of their voices."
Kelly waited for the laughter to die down before continuing. "Species five! The Hanar!" A picture of Blasto appeared on the screen. "Not that one." Miranda advanced to the correct slide, that of two Hanar floating idly next to each other. "We offered the Hanar a water-based room, but they politely declined because they didn't want to put us to all that trouble. So we used our regular room, and when we returned in an hour, we found," the screen showed the Hanar floating across from each other, separated by the table with the tin cans and string on it. "We found that they had been politely offering the tin cans to each other for an hour. A whole hour. Over and over." Kelly shook her head. "It's a good thing we didn't tell them about the Holy String Prophet."
"Species six is Humanity, and not surprisingly, we got some odd results. First of all, Humans have much more marked sexual dimorphism than any other intelligent species in the galaxy." The screen displayed two men standing next to each other, then changed to show two women, then a man and a woman. "Which leads to some odd behavioral differences. These are the same people, five minutes after the first picture." The screen displayed the two men, one poking the other and the other looking irritated; the two women fixing each other's hair; and the man and the woman in the same pose. "Here is five minutes after that, in the same room." The screen displayed the two men, standing very stiffly, one with a black eye; the two women, examining each other's nails; and the man and the woman still in the same pose. "And here's five minutes after that, when they thought they were alone in the room and nobody was watching." The two men were kissing; the two women were kissing; and the man and the woman were kissing and ripping off each other's clothes. Kelly had to wait for the laughter to die down again before continuing. "In an hour, we found that 66% of the Humans, regardless of gender pairings, had ended up having sex with each other, possibly using the tin cans, the string, or some combination. The rest of the Humans decided they were sexually incompatible for some reason or another, and ended up using the tin cans and string," the screen changed to show a scene of wreckage, "to build something that explodes. We're not really sure how they did that."
"Moving on to Species seven, the Krogan," the screen displayed two Krogan glaring at each other. "After leaving the two Krogans, Sam and Max, alone in the room for an hour, we returned to find," the screen displayed one Krogan, lying dead on the floor and the other wrenching the remains of a tin can from the dead Krogan's hand, "that they had split the loot evenly, built weapons out of the tin cans and string, and then fought to the death over it. The winner was making a new two-can weapon from the spoils of victory." The screen showed the surviving Krogan proudly displaying his new weapon, to loud cheering from certain sections of the audience. "He now goes by Two-can Sam, in honor of his victory."
"Species eight, the Quarians!" The screen showed two Quarians, looking very innocent. "We left them alone in the room for an hour, with the two tin cans and string. We came back and found," the screen showed the two Quarians, and half a YMIR mech that they were in the process of assembling. "We still have no idea where all those parts came from. They were arguing over the VI parameters and trying to make some kind of new junction with the fuel lines. We're not really sure." The screen showed the two Quarians with two-thirds of a newly assembled mech. "We turned our backs for a few minutes, one of the cameras disappeared, and the mech got taller. We decided to just let them have the room, and we went somewhere else. Quickly."
"Species nine is the Salarians." The screen showed two Salarian scientists. "We left them alone, as usual," the screen showed the two Salarians looking curiously at the tin cans and string. "We came back in an hour," the screen changed to show the two Salarians sitting in front of two computer banks, in a room bristling with electronic surveillance equipment. "And we had to double-check that we had come back to the right room. They had somehow managed to build a small communications and surveillance station, and were using it to spy on each other."
"Species ten, the Turians." The screen displayed two Turians, in uniform, standing at attention. "We left them alone with the tin cans and string, and came back in an hour." The screen showed the Turians, still standing at attention, the tin cans shining brightly and the string neatly coiled. "They had polished the tin cans and cleaned them, washed the string and straightened it, then rolled it into a perfect circle for storage." Kelly paused. "We have no idea where they found soap and water, and we declined to ask. They also dusted the entire room, and straightened the table to a perfect ninety-degree angle from the door, because it originally had been off by three degrees. And of course, they made a report of everything they fixed." The screen briefly flashed a datapad with a list of items.
"Species eleven is the Volus. We left the two Volus alone with the tin cans and string." The screen showed two Volus, casually greeting each other, then changed to show them playing with the tin cans. "We returned to discover that they had developed a tin can stock exchange." In the next screen, the two Volus were still playing with the cans, but were also surrounded by datapads. "One was trading in string futures." The screen changed to show a crying Asari. "They also somehow managed to bankrupt an Asari trading house by manipulating this new tin can stock exchange."
"And last, and definitely least, we also did our experiment on the Vorcha." The screen went black. "But nobody wants to look at them, so we didn't take a preliminary picture. We left them alone for an hour, and came back to find," the screen changed to show an empty room. "Nothing. There were no tin cans, no string, no Vorchca, and no table. We have no idea what happened. And frankly, we don't care. They're Vorcha! That concludes our little experiment on the differences between species in Citadel space. We hope you enjoyed our presentation!"
Applause drowned out the end of her sentence, and the stagehands ran out to clear away the props while the women lined up and took a bow.
EDI's voice said pleasantly over the public address system, "And now, we'll have a ten minute break while our contestants get set up for the Talent portion of our pageant. There will be an announcement when the show is going to start again." The crowd cheered, and headed back towards the open bar and Passing Zone.
Serenity leaned back in her chair and smiled at Tali. "This is so much fun!"
Tali laughed. "It is! This was a great idea, Shepard."
Wrex came down from the Judge's table. "Shepard, those jokes of yours. They're horrible."
"I didn't write them all!" Serenity protested.
"Yeah," chirped Tali, "she only wrote the bad ones."
"Anyway, are you having fun, Clan Leader?"
Wrex grinned, laid a heavy hand familiarly on Serenity's shoulder. "Indeed I am, Battlemaster. I have a date with that Matriarch for tonight."
"Wrex!" Tali looked at him in shock. "Aren't you too old to be picking up strange women?"
"I'm old, Tali'Zorah, not dead." Wrex laughed, "Come to the bar with me, Shepard, I need to refill my drink."
As soon as Serenity walked off with Wrex, Garrus ran over and sat down next to Tali. "Hi!"
"Give me my flowers or I rat you out."
Garrus presented Tali with a fresh batch of white lilies, perfectly complementing her exosuit. "How's that?"
"Oh! They're lovely!" Tali hugged the flowers. She leaned closer to Garrus, and embraced him while they whispered together, planning their next exploit. "Hey, watch your hands!"
"I am," Garrus explained. "The view is really distracting."
"Go, shoo, she's coming back." Tali waved him off, and Garrus ran back up to the balcony.
Serenity pretended not to notice. "I wonder where Samara is."
"She stayed on the ship, I think. She was being all grown up and boring."
"That's too bad, she's missing out on the latest installment of 'Fleet and Flotilla.' I thought she really liked that show."
Tali glared at Serenity, who just grinned. Tali hugged her flowers defensively. "I like flowers. Leave me alone."
"Think of it as a preemptive strike," said Serenity dryly.
"Please return to your seats, everyone," EDI announced. "The show will be resuming shortly."
A stagehand ran up with a vase for Tali's flowers and swiftly arranged them for her, then ran off again.
Tali gazed happily at her flowers as the crowd returned to their seats, and didn't notice Serenity carefully attaching two toy antennae to her helmet, with glittering gold balls on the end.
Serenity took a sip from her drink, and concentrated on keeping a straight face. From the corner of her eye, she noted Joker giving her the 'thumbs up,' and smiled into her glass.
Jacob walked back on stage, "Hello, and welcome back to the Miss Normandy Pageant! Is everybody ready for more?" The crowd shouted assent, and Jacob continued. "Okay, for this Talent competition, we insisted that the talent displayed be utterly useless for combat. It has to be a frivolous talent, like singing or dancing. So let's welcome our first contestant for this round, Liara!"
Liara walked out, wearing a black and silver Asari robe.
Serenity checked her notes. "Liara is wearing a lovely silk and metallic polymer weave creation from the House of Chan. Asari styling, Human craftmanship, and a really hot body to model it. Still, it does need something...."
Liara looked over at Serenity in shock.
"It needs to be on the floor of my hotel room."
Liara blushed delicately and turned back to Jacob.
"So, Liara, what talent will you be demonstrating for us tonight?"
"I am going to sing a traditional Asari love song."
"Oh, how wonderful," grumbled Joker. "Four minutes of meowing kittens."
"You've never even heard an Asari love song," Garrus countered. "How can you be so judgmental?"
"I've heard an Asari in love. That was more than enough. I'm just kidding, babe, you know that right?"
"Can it, you two!" Tali snapped, and ignored the giggling from the crowd, assuming it was due to the situation.
"Thank you," said Jacob. "Can you tell us about your song, Liara?"
"Certainly, although if Joker interrupts me again, I will crush every bone in his body."
"Try it, bitch!" snarled a savage voice from right behind Joker.
"She's joking," said Joker hurriedly, and turned to the shadowed area behind him. "Down, baby, down. No killing! Not even hot naked, Asari-on-Asari killing." He turned back to the stage. "Sorry, she gets overprotective." He turned back to the woman behind him. "Did I mention you're super sexy when you're being overprotective?"
Garrus pretended he was throwing up.
"Okay, seriously," commanded Tali. "Enough from the peanut gallery!"
Serenity looked at Liara, then at Joker, nodded to Liara.
"My song," Liara explained, "is an old folk song about a forbidden love affair."
The crowd made appreciative noises, clapped encouragingly.
The music started, and Liara began to sing. The room was silent, the greatest tribute a performer can have. The song was luscious, sensuous, beautiful. Even without understanding the words of the ancient song, everyone could sense the desperate longing, the sorrow, the love. Liara's voice, while not powerful, matched the emotion of the song perfectly. Her performance ended to rapturous applause. Liara made a graceful bow, and went back to the lineup.
"That was amazing," sighed Jacob. "Hey, if you're not tied up with Shepard later on, I'm apparently going to be free." Liara smiled sweetly, but didn't respond. "Anyway, let's lighten it up a little. Our next contestant, Gabby, promised she would make everyone smile."
Gabby walked out on stage, wearing a floppy beret, a bright blue smock shirt, and tattered baggy black pants. Everyone laughed, and for the people who didn't get the obscure cultural reference, she was also carrying an easel which she set up with the assistance of the stagehands. They also brought out a stool for her, and she set up a sketchpad and opened a box filled with pencils, brushes, and tubes.
"So, Gabby, you're an artist."
She nodded. "I do sketching, some watercolors, not much with oils. Sometimes I do gouache."
"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds sexy."
Gabby grinned. "So, yeah, I'm gonna do a quick portrait. Do I just ask for a volunteer?"
"Hey Tali," said Jacob, "Come up here and pose for Gabby."
Everyone cheered, suddenly realizing they were all in on the joke. Tali reluctantly walked up to the stage, and the stagehands brought out a chair for her.
Gabby posed her in a traditional side sitting pose, and began doing a sketch in pencil. As it happened, Gabby really was a talented artist and loved doing portrait sketches.
"So, Gabby, how about you? You still single?" Jacob asked.
"She was never single!" Kenn shouted. "Keep your eyes off my woman, Taylor!"
"Sheesh, calm down, he's just hitting on everybody tonight," said Gabby absently. The crowd snickered, and Gabby went on sketching. "Besides, you can't blame him for being a little crazy. Miranda's kind of addictive."
"Yeah," Jacob agreed, "and this is totally out of the blue, too. Wait. How do you know that?"
"What the hell have you girls been up to?" shouted Kenn. "And why didn't you send me any pictures?"
Gabby just kept grinning, and sketching while the audience jeered and laughed at Kenn and Jacob. Gabby finished her sketch, and held it up for the crowd. The people right in front cheered wildly, and the overhead screens displayed it for everyone else. It took Tali a second to realize that all the screens were perfectly tilted so that she couldn't see it.
Tali walked up to Gabby, so she could see the picture. She made a shocked squeaking noise, and reached up to check her helmet. "What? Who?" She was too angry to form complete sentences, but was laughing at the same time. "They match! Who would do that!"
Gabby was laughing so hard she couldn't actually answer, and Jacob was pretending he didn't know.
"I can't undo these, Jacob. Get them off."
"They're cute!" he protested, but undid the tiny screws and handed the antennae to Tali before she hit him.
The stagehands set up the sketch on a display behind Jacob, and Gabby took her place in the line while Tali returned to her seat.
Tali hit Serenity with the antennae. "It was you, wasn't it."
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
Tali hit her again anyway before sitting down.
"Ow!"
The stagehands wheeled out a nondescript brown stand, and locked it into position near the edge of the stage.
"Our next contestant, Jack!"
Jack strutted onstage, wearing a hip-length sleeveless green and gold patterned tunic over a flowing floor-length gold skirt that had a slit on the right side all the way up to her hips, making it ripple beautifully behind her in a golden train as she walked, showing off her tattoed legs. Jack was barefoot again, and shot a wry grin at Serenity who pretended to frown at her.
"Jack is modeling a lovely affair by Elise Jacobs, from the House of Vuitton. She was supposed to be wearing matching platform shoes by Nehemiah, but …"
"A Krogan ate them," said Jack innocently.
"Indeed," said Serenity dryly. "It appears that Krogan appreciate leather and chains more than we knew."
Everyone laughed and Jack spun around to show off her dress to a round of cheers.
"That's a lot of paint," Wrex observed.
"Jack's going to demonstrate a fine, ancient human art for us today," Jacob explained.
Jack grinned widely, and opened the box to reveal a portable bar, set up with some of the finest liquors imaginable.
"Bartending!"
The crowd cheered wildly and Jack pulled out five glasses with amazing speed and a different playful flourish for each glass.
"Jack will prepare one drink for each judge," Jacob explained. "We'll start with Urdnot Wrex. What would you like to drink, sir?"
Wrex grinned. "I'll have a Naked Bitch."
"With eggs?" Jack asked.
"Of course."
Most people in the room had no idea what he was talking about, but Jack obviously did. She tossed glasses in the air, spun bottles, shook the drink to mix it while doing a little dance, all to wild cheers and clapping. She finally poured out the drink, a bizarrely green creation with suspended spots of white floating in it. Jack placed the drink carefully on a tray and one of the ubiquitous stagehands carefully brought it to Wrex who sniffed it, then nodded happily with a big smile.
"Nice!" he chuckled before taking a careful sip. "Damn, that has a serious kick!" Wrex took another sip. "Good job!"
"I don't want to even know what goes in a drink like that." Jacob stared at Jack. "But more importantly, Jack, have you made any plans for after the party?"
A small toy dart hit Jacob squarely in the chest, leaving a white mark on his suit.
"What the – " Jacob looked around, but didn't see anyone. Another dart, from a totally different part of the room hit him in the shoulder.
"I think that's Thane's way of letting you know I'm busy."
Jacob sighed. "Let's just move on. Matriarch Aethyta, what would you like to drink?"
"I would like a Broken Warrior," Aethyta grinned, "extra bloodied, if you please."
"I really like her," said Wrex. Aethyta grinned back at him.
"Coming right up!" said Jack cheerfully, and began preparing the bizarrely red and black colored drink, spinning it with her biotics, in the traditional Asari fashion, so that it would end up layered with stripes of yellow and orange. The drink was delivered to Aethyta, who checked the layering first, then downed it in one quick gulp.
"Hm." That was all she got out before she toppled over. "That shit's good!" she shouted. "Hey, Warlord, come join me on the floor. We'll show these kids a thing or two!"
Wrex peeled the Asari Matriarch off the floor and settled her comfortably in his lap. "Jack, you have my thanks."
"Anytime!" Jack spun a pair of bottles in her hands with an amazing midair flourish, and waited for the next order.
"Administrator Qui'in, what would you like to drink?"
"I would like a Noble Defender, if you would be so kind."
"Sure thing," said Jack. Lorik smiled, and watched her pull out the special bottles of Turian alcohol. The drink required eight different liquors, some spices, and some rare fruits which the stagehands ran out to her at her request. She used her biotics to crush the fruits into the large bowl that served as a cup for this particular drink, then carefully blended the pulp with some icy water and the first two liquors, then set the mix on fire and let it burn for a few seconds before smothering the fire with the spices. The rest of the liquor was added, mixed, set on fire again, and then sent to Lorik with a separate glass filled with cubes of ice.
Lorik grinned, popped an ice cube in his mouth, and then took a deep drink from the flaming bowl. The fire shifted perfectly as he drank, indicating that the right concentration of liquor had been achieved. All the Turians cheered as he drank, and Lorik stood and bowed to Jack. "It is perfection, my dear."
Jack grinned, and curtseyed in reply, trying to pretend that she wasn't blushing.
Another toy dart hit Jacob in the chest.
"What the hell was that for!" Jacob exclaimed.
"Oh, I think you know," Thane's voice, coming from somewhere in the rafters, sounded grim.
Jacob muttered something about men's eyes and skirts before he moved towards the edge of the stage on the other side of Jack.
"Chairman Burns, what would you like to drink?"
"Er, I would like a Flying Purple People Eater, please." Martin coughed nervously.
Jack grinned, and started tossing bottles and glasses around, mixing the six liquors and four juices that went into the drink. When the solidly purple drink was complete, she set a little umbrella on top, and sent it to him.
"Oh, thank you!" said Martin happily. He took out the umbrella, and spun it with a grin before taking a generous swig. "Oh, this is excellent! Very frothy. Thank you!"
"You're welcome," grinned Jack. She started mixing another drink. "This one doesn't count!" The drink was oddly green and looked slightly radioactive.
"Who's that for?" Jacob asked.
Jack didn't answer, just smiled, and used her biotics to send the drink to the ceiling, where it disappeared behind a rafter. "Nothin', never mind, you didn't see anything. Okay, I'm done." Jack took another bow to a round of applause, then walked back to stand next to Gabby while the stage was cleared.
A stagehand, carrying a tray with the remains of a green drink in it and a folded piece of paper, walked up to Jack. "The voice said to give this to you."
Jack picked up the note, and read it. Her face softened, and she smiled very sweetly, completely unlike her normal brash smile. She tucked the note into her dress, and tried to stop smiling but couldn't quite do it, not with the little love note touching her skin and reminding her of him every second.
"You're such a sap," commented Gabby.
"I am not!" Jack protested.
"Quiet, please, we're about to have our next contestant." The stagehands were setting up some mats on the floor, and brought out a silk cushion covered in a dark red flower pattern.
Serenity raised an eyebrow. She didn’t remember anyone saying they needed tatami mats.
The stagehands arranged the mats in the proper configuration, and carried out a large wooden instrument, with thirteen strings over ivory bridges.
Serenity's eyes widened.
"Our next contestant, Miranda, will be performing on the koto, an instrument from ancient Earth history. She will be performing," Jacob read the unfamiliar words from the datapad, "a selection of waka from the Kokin Wakashû set to o-koto music. I'm sorry if that makes no sense to you, I have no idea what she's talking about either."
Serenity stared as Miranda walked onstage, wearing a full Heian court jûnihitoe kimono – all twelve layers. Her outfit was perfect, the richly patterned silk of her robes contrasting beautifully with one another, and she had even gotten all the accessories right, from her hair bound up and decorated with a court musician's headdress, to her feet, invisible beneath the folds of the kimono but clattering with the distinctive sound of geta. Miranda knelt gracefully on the cushion, her kimono still correctly hiding her feet, and leaned over the koto and began to play.
Serenity doubted that there were more than three or four people in the crowd who could follow what Miranda was singing. Serenity watched in rapt appreciation as Miranda performed four pieces as classically and perfectly as any Heian court maiden.
The crowd cheered when she was done, although most of them felt the performance was over their heads.
"That was an excellent performance," said Martin Burns, "what gave you the idea?"
Miranda resisted the urge to look at Serenity. "I realized that I didn't have any frivolous skills, so I picked something at random. Also, I love wearing this outfit."
"It suits you well. Would you mind giving us a better look at it?"
"Not at all," said Miranda happily. She stood, gracefully uncurling herself, and walked to the edge of the stage, her robes swishing with the sound of silk at every step, her geta ringing musically against the stage. The long sleeves draped gracefully to the floor, and the mass of colors, rich and bright like a summer day, accentuated her clear skin and dark hair perfectly.
"You're drooling," Tali said to Serenity.
"I am not!" Serenity protested. "Am I?"
Tali pointed at Serenity's face. "Yeah, you have some, right there."
"I do not!" Serenity wiped her face anyway, and went back to staring admiringly at Miranda as she modeled the kimono.
"You look a little surprised," Jacob smirked. "Didn't Miranda tell you what she was doing for her performance?"
"No," Serenity admitted. "I thought she was going to play the piano or something."
"Miranda, did you … lie to Shepard?" said Jacob, pretending to be shocked.
"Well, she lied about the kissing contest, so I think I was justified."
"The what."
Serenity decided to hide under the table as everyone turned to stare at her, except for Miranda, Tali, Jack, Gabby, and Kelly, who all put on their most innocent faces.
"No, seriously. What?"
"Never mind, Jacob."
"Wait a min," Kenn shouted, "Gabby, tell me you weren't involved in this!"
"Okay," said Gabby cheerfully, "I wasn't involved in the kissing contest."
"Say it like you mean it, woman!"
"Uh..." Gabby grinned. "No, that's a waste of energy. I drew pictures but Shepard took them."
"You what!" Kenn shouted.
"We all had our clothes on, calm down, sheesh. You're so excitable."
Jacob just stared in shock.
Tali giggled, then squirmed away. "Shepard!"
"I'm not doing anything!" protested Serenity from underneath the table, her voice suspiciously close to Tali.
"Shepard! Get your hands off my girlfriend!" shouted Garrus.
"My hands aren't on your girlfriend!" she shouted back.
"Fine, get your tongue off my girlfriend."
There was a moment of silence before Serenity answered. "You're no fun."
Serenity returned to her seat, laughing along with the crowd. "So, Jacob, are we ready to move on to the last contestant?"
"No."
Serenity raised an eyebrow. "What is it now?"
"Well, Shepard... are you doing anything later on tonight?"
Everyone laughed.
"I think there's a line," Wrex observed.
"You probably need a number," said the voice behind Joker at almost the same time.
Joker whipped his datapad, and changed the viewscreen over Serenity's head to read, "NOW SERVING #4."
Serenity frowned, pretending to be annoyed. "Okay, I think we can move on now, don't you?"
"Sure," Jacob agreed. The stagehands ran out, and started setting up the stage for Kelly's performance. "And now, our final contestant, Kelly Chambers!" The stagehands laid down a dance floor, and were erecting a pole in the center when Kelly walked out, wearing a vintage outfit of the "Vegas Showgirl" style from old Earth, complete with a feathered headpiece. The bright green and black lace of her high-cut bodysuit were so different from the standard Asari dancer outfits that there was nothing but stunned silence for a moment, as Kelly strutted up the runway, her heels clicking on the parquet flooring and her hips swaying seductively under the frills of lace. "Kelly will be performing a traditional Vegas pole dance for us tonight. You can thank Shepard for the costume," Jacob coughed, "such as it is. Kelly also did the music selection and remixing, yet another of her hidden talents." Kelly turned, showing off the seams in her black stockings.
The viewscreen over Serenity's head updated to read, "The following performance should not be viewed or listened to by anyone with a cardiovascular impairment."
Kelly struck her starting pose, her hips cocked and one hand on the pole, and the music began. It was a slow, sensuous song, called "Big Spender." Very old-fashioned, and Kelly gyrated around the pole in time with the song. Just as the song got to the first chorus, the vocal track was overlaid with a recording of Serenity, Kelly, and Garrus having a discussion, while Kelly slowly lifted her leg high above her head, posing in a sideways split with the pole for support.
"Kelly, I am in awe of your music collection."
"You know what would be funny," laughed Serenity, "you should do something to make fun of your reputation, get back at everyone for all those stories they make up."
Garrus laughed. "That would be awesome. Do you have a song for that?"
"Of course I do," Kelly purred. "Humans have a song for everything. Everything." The last word was spoken over silence, the original song having faded away, and Kelly arched, dropped her leg and did a spin, ripping off her headpiece and the outer layer of her bodysuit as a new song started. Kelly was now wearing a bright red bodysuit with black stripes forming a cross across her breasts and down the center of her body, making sure that everyone's eyes were where she wanted them for her dance. The music was now a raucous, loud song that opened with a wild guitar solo, and now Kelly was really dancing, leaving no one in any doubt as to the phallic symbolism of the pole. The song was instrumental, but Kelly had mixed in recorded samples from another one of her experiments as a layered audio track.
"Commander, can I ask you a question?"
"Kelly, the only thing I'm in command of right now is this bottle. So unless you plan to incorporate this bottle into your chain of command, drop the formality."
"Kenn, do you have time to help me with a little experiment?"
"What? Oh, oh, well, of course, if it's," the sound of kissing could clearly be heard, "for science."
Gabby's voice, shocked, "I can't believe he fell for that! Is this real? What are you...? Oh. Right. For science!"
"Jacob, can I get you to help me with a little research?"
"Oh? You need me to pump up your numbers? Whip out a bar graph?" There was laughter, kissing, the sound of something falling.
"Miranda, could I ask you - "
"Get out. I know what you're up to, and I'm not falling for it! Out!"
"But, it's just - "
"Out!"
"What, are you saving yourself for your first time or something?" Kelly shrieked in the recording, and something shattered before Kelly could be heard running away.
"Garrus, you're good with numbers, right? Would you take a look at something for me?"
"Oh, sure, I could.... I, um.... you... oh. Oh! Mmmmmm...."
"Hey, Tali, could you help me out? I'm doing an experiment."
"Sure! But the exosuit stays on."
"What?"
"Oh, please, I've seen your research sessions. All I'm saying is, you have to find a way to work around the suit. I'm not getting another cold just so you can humiliate Garrus."
"Oh. Well... um..."
"Keelah, why didn't you just ask Shepard first? Come here."
"Oh! Oh...."
"Joker, could I ask you a few quick questions?"
"Oh, sure, Kelly, what's up? Hey, personal space please."
"Oh, sorry, it's just - "
"Hands. Watch 'em. I'm fragile, and taken."
"Ah. Sorry. So you're not interested in validating my research."
"What?"
"Never mind, see you around, Joker."
"What just happened?"
"Zaeed, do you - "
"I'm too old for your games, girl. Either come 'ere, or get out."
"Samara, can I - "
"No."
"Right, I'll just be going."
"So," the sound of a kiss, "can I," more kissing, "get your help with," Kelly gave a soft moan, "some research?" Kelly gave a soft whimper as Thane could be heard chuckling in the background.
"Jack, would you - " Kelly shrieked, and there was the sound of something toppling over, and the distinctive sound of kissing. "Hey! It's for research!" Then the sound of tearing cloth. "Science, I tell you! Oh, forget it." More things crashing around, and more kissing.
"I totally blame Thane for this," said Jack before more kissing could be heard.
"Grunt, do you have time to help me with a little experiment?"
"Sure, Kelly," Grunt's voice was unusually gentle. "What do you need? Why are you dressed like that?" He sounded nervous. "What... what are you ... I knew I should watched the vids."
"Mordin? I know you're in here, Doctor. You can't hide forever!" Kelly called. "Okay, maybe you can."
Kelly's dance had not gone unappreciated all this time, despite the reactions to the voice samples from the crowd. The Turians continued to be amazed at Human flexibility, and the Asari appeared to be taking notes. The Krogans, every single one, were completely transfixed. Kelly rolled her hips, twisted, wrapped herself around the pole, suspended herself in midair using the pole for support. The music slowed down a little, and the beat changed. Kelly crawled across the dance floor, towards the side of the stage facing the table where Serenity and Tali were sitting. She pulled herself to her knees, beckoning to Serenity.
"Shepard," Kelly's voice on the recording asked, "can you do a lift?"
The music now changed styles completely, as Serenity walked up to the stage, pausing only to change her shoes.
"Oh, sweet, you know how to tango," said Kelly on the recording, and the music changed to a very sensual tango. Serenity pulled Kelly up, smoothly lifting her over her head, then rolling her down her arm back to the stage, and the two began to do a very fiery dance. Most women aren't physically strong enough to partner another woman for a true tango. Serenity did not have that problem. Kelly showed off her best moves, her best footwork, and Serenity supported her. Literally.
The dance ended with a flourish, Kelly in a full split on the floor, her arms out and supported by Serenity, half-kneeling behind her.
"Oh, don't act so surprised," said Serenity's voice on the recording as the music faded away. "You're half-naked and I'm fully drunk, what did you expect?"
Kelly snickered at the look on Serenity's face, but didn't say anything, just rose to her feet, and took a bow to thunderous applause. Serenity shook her head, then took a bow with Kelly before returning to her table.
"Please tell me that cheesy pick up line didn't work," said Jacob.
"Oh, like you should talk!" replied Serenity. "And it was less of a 'pick up' and more of a 'fell in my lap' kind of thing."
Jacob shook his head in mock despair. "Right, let's take another commercial break while our contestants get ready for the final part of tonight's program: the evening wear competition!"