Care Package

Joker leaned back in the pilot's seat, feet kicked up onto the control console. It had only been a week since he'd become the first pilot to successfully enter AND leave the Omega 4 Relay, and the bruises were still mending. But, it was quiet tonight. The place had been chaos, then a 3 day party, then the hangovers... now, people were just tired. He could hear a few people running around behind him, as per usual, but the chatter was subdued.

"We are approaching Illos Spaceport, Jeff." EDI's holo-bubble popped up next to him, startling him into an upright position. It jarred his freshly-knit ribs.

"GYEAHthanks EDI," he half-yelped.

"I am sorry. Are you okay, Jeff?" Her voice sounded concerned. Ever since the Normandy was boarded, she'd been slowly evolving from a businesslike supervisor to a coworker, and Joker was still getting used to it.

He stretched. Ow. "Yeah, I'm good." His fingers flew over the controls, setting up for the impending landing. He heard a digital trill and looked over the console. "There's that noise again! EDI, have you figured out what that is?"

"It is a sensor chime, Jeff. Nothing to be concerned about. I believe it is part of the package you unlocked in the AI Core."

"Huh." His hand rested on the console, warm under his fingers. Experimentally, he ran a finger across the console holo. The chime rang again. It almost sounded like...

"OK, no, that's just...ridiculous..." he muttered to himself.

"What is?"

He wiggled his fingers over the screen. Again, the chime rang out. Naaaaah...

"It sounds like..." Well, she WAS acting kinda... "EDI... are you ticklish?"

"No. That would be..." He ran his finger across the screen again. The chime cut her off for a moment. "Ridiculous."

Holy... "This is just getting weirder and weirder..." he muttered.

"I AM connected into the entirety of the Normandy now. I am still detecting new sensory input." Her voice was a little defensive.

He raised his hands in defense. "Sorry... no offense intended..."

"We will reach Illos in approximately five minutes." Back to business.

"Thanks." He reached towards the control console and paused. OK, now this feels...dirty. Augh. Gingerly, he poked at the interface. The first note of the chime sounded, then cut off abruptly. He shook his head. This was going to take a LOT of getting used to.

__

On arrival at Illos, most of the crew disembarked for a little shore leave. Joker settled back in his seat, eyes half closed.

"You know, you ARE allowed to leave the ship." He opened his eyes again. Commander Shepard stood next to him.

"Oh, hey boss." He sat up. "I'm just relaxin' here. Still feeling a little creaky." He rubbed his side.

"Gotcha. You need anything? I'm going to head out for a few."

He grinned. "I am partial to blondes..."

Shepard laughed. "Riiight. I'll get right on that."

"Boss of the decade!" He laughed back. "Serious, though... I'm good. I'll just chill here with EDI."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "You two have gotten awfully cozy as of late," she mused.

Joker raised his hands. "Naw, nothin' like that. We've... come to a better working relationship."

"What Jeff and I are exhibiting is a platonic symbiosis, not hormonally-induced courtship behavior."*

"So you've said," Shephard noted, eyebrow not descending. She shook her head and laughed. "OK, you two, enjoy your private time. I'll be back in an hour or so."

She strode off. He knew there was no way in hell he'd even consider propositioning her, but it was still fun to watch her walk away. As she turned a corner, he saw Kelly Chambers heading his way. We have a lot of really hot crew members here he noted, smiling at her. She carried a small wrapped package in one hand, a datapad in the other.

"Hi Joker!" she piped. "How are things up here?"

"You know, things are things." He shrugged. "Still healing up. How are you?" he asked, a little tentatively. If he'd had it bad...

She shuddered. "Still..." She shook her head. "Yeah, still a little messed up." She sighed, then made eye contact again. "Thank you, again, for coming for us."

"Oh, like we were gonna let them get away with our people..." Hello bravado, my old friend... "We need you guys far more than they did."

She smiled, shyly. "Still... you're a very talented pilot, Joker. I'm glad we have you."

His pulse picked up a little. Hot girl, into me? Whoa... "Uh, thanks... Kelly..." Must..flirt...but...too...stupid...dammit!

Her eyes widened. "Oh yeah, I did come up here for another reason!" She presented the package. "This came for you, from Illos' Sirta branch."

He took the package. "Funny, I didn't order anything..."

She laughed. "Looks like you have an admirer!" she said, gently teasing.

"Umm, yeah... well... uh... Kelly..." Act now! Speak!

"Ok, enjoy!" She glanced over her shoulder. "I've got to go...I'm meeting Thane for dinner."

Damn. Wait... "Thane?" He tried not to sound too incredulous, and failed.

She smiled. "He's very sweet. Like a wounded puppy... I just want to hold him and pet him." She blinked, then blushed. "I've...said too much. I'm...gonna go. See you, Joker!"

DAMMIT.

Now he was flustered and burned. The package was light in his hands, with a tag slipped into the wrapping.

"Open in private."

Huh. "EDI, I'm gonna head to my quarters. Let me know if anything comes up, will ya?"

"Of course, Jeff. Have fun."

"Heh. Right. Thanks."

---

He closed the door to his quarters and sat on the edge of the bed, package in hand. He turned it over in his hands a few times. Who the hell would be sending him gifts?

“An admirer, huh? “ he murmured to himself. With a shrug, he unwrapped it. For a moment, he was at a loss as to what it was... a small device made of wires and electrodes, with a black box attached. He looked at the packaging. Sirta Foundation logo, Wireless Nerve Stimulator. Cable free, for all of the pleasure, even if you're not in the same room. He blinked hard. "That's one hell of an admirer."

OK, this is either the most awesome thing ever and someone on the ship has a thing for me, or someone sent this to fry my brain and kill me. He popped the case open and carried the device over to a terminal in the corner of his room. "Hey, EDI...can you do me a favor and scan this, make sure it's not going to kill me if I put it on?"

"Gladly, Jeff." The device glowed under EDI's lights for a moment. "It is a neural stimulator. I see nothing potentially harmful in the wiring or software."

"Heh. Cool." It made a sort of sense. If someone admired him in secret and was too shy to say so, a wireless device would allow for a bit more mystery as to her true identity. If it IS a her... He paused. Not a great thought. He shook it off.

The ship was quiet. He was still a little turned on. And it had been... he couldn't remember the last time... since he'd had any female companionship. Aside from the occasional blowjob in flight school, well, it wasn't like he could really engage in regular sex without risking shattered bones. But this... He'd read about them before. They were popular among the volus and quarians, designed to use your senses to create an interactive avatar of yourself, augmented by various software packages to enhance scents, tastes, hair detection, environments... you name it. Connect it with another system, and you can interact with your partner's avatar as though you were touching them.

Pride? Bah. He removed his baseball cap and dropped it on the desk, then moved back to the bed. Beats dancing with myself... He pressed the sensors to his temples and flicked the switch on the box. Instantly, the room flashed before him, making him dizzy. He fell back onto the bed, eyes closed. Well, shit... so this is how I'm gonna die. Hooked up to the ultimate wanking machine. Mom'll be so proud.

He felt someone walk up behind him, touching him on the shoulder. His eyes opened again. He was still lying on the bed.

"Close your eyes, Jeff," a woman whispered in his ear. "Relax." He could feel her breath on his ear.

"MmmOK!" He closed his eyes. "Who is this?"

"Does it matter?" He felt slender fingers run across the skin of his shoulders, tracing little circles. He felt tingly. The fingers ran over his shoulder, brushed his throat, traced over his lips. It felt good. Really good.

"Ummm...mmm..." The fingers traced down his chest, spreading. He felt the palms of the unseen hands against his pecs, as though someone was standing in front of him. He could almost feel her there, looking up at his face. "I... I guess not." He couldn't place the voice, but it was definitely familiar. It'll come to me, he assured himself.

A light laugh, like silver bells. "Oh good." The hands slid upward, up the back of his neck, fingers twining in his hair. They pulled his head down, and he felt lips on his, warm and soft and searching. Any resistance that was still in him fled. He reached forward, feeling slim shoulders, smooth skin. He pulled his unseen companion towards himself, feeling along her back.

It was like being in a pitch-black room, disorienting, yet somehow safe. There was no sight, but he could hear her breath, feel her breasts press against his chest, taste her sweet lips (with a hint of mint.) He'd just have to feel his way around. Shucks.

His hands caressed her back, tangled themselves in shoulder-length, silky hair, tickled the back of her neck. She giggled, reflexively tipping her head back against the tickle assault, baring her throat. His lips sought her out, kissing the hollow of her throat, nibbling at her collarbone. She gasped, shivering against him. Her skin was slightly salty and soft as a rose petal. He kissed his way up towards her ear, planting light little kisses along the rim. Her hands went to his shoulders again, fingertips digging in as her breath caught. He felt her nipples harden against him, and he felt himself beginning to harden as well. His hands roamed down her sides, feeling his way down her slim form, resting at her narrow waist.

Hrm... Katie Watkins is kinda thin... So's Andrea Paulson... but she's taller... Curiosity nudged at him for a moment. Her hand sliding down his back and cupping his ass brought him back.

Their lips met again. She stepped back, away from him. Her fingers slid down his arms, catching his hands in hers. Gently, she pulled down. For a horrible moment, he thought he was going to stumble and break a kneecap. He landed on a cloud. Everything was soft and warm. He knelt, still holding her hands.

She pulled him closer still. He could feel her lying back. His lips sought her out and found her forehead. He planted a soft kiss there, then kissed the tip of her nose, then her lips, then her chin. He nibbled at the hollow of her throat, and continued nibbling his way down to her breast. "Jeff..." she gasped, surprise and pleasure in her voice. Dammit, I KNOW that voice... He paused a moment. Her fingers tangled in his hair again. Fuck it. He suckled gently at her nipple, provoking cries of delight.

His lips moved back to hers as he slipped a knee between hers, leaning in close. Their bodies touched. His penis brushed her thigh. "Who are you?" he whispered softly in her ear.

She slid her hands around his waist and pulled him closer, nearly lying on top of her. "A friend," she whispered back, lips catching at his earlobe. He was so hard he ached. Her voice in his ear resonated down through his body. "A friend who needs you."

"Oh..." He kissed her, first gently, then harder as her nails slowly raked his back. He felt her leg slide up, brushing the outside of his as she drew her knee up. He could smell her sweet musk. He ran a hand down, over her breast, down her stomach, and slipped a finger between her smooth labia. Her back arched and she gasped his name. Gently, his finger sought out her clit and teased it, stroking softly. She shivered beneath him, her leg sliding further up, knee brushing his hip. He felt her part and slipped his middle finger into her. Small whimpers of pleasure were muffled slightly by his lips on hers. Her nails raked his back harder, driving him onward, his fingers fluttering against her clit.

"Jeff... please..." The plea was soft and urgent against his cheek. He ran his hand down her thigh and moved his hips downward. The tip of his cock traced against her stomach, the hot moist slit, pressing downward until he found his target.

As he slipped into her, he felt her give a long, soft whimpering cry into his shoulder. She was tight and warm and wet and delicious as he slid back out, then slowly back in. The cry became a long drawn-in breath. Another slow stroke, another, more urgent breath. He slid back, then thrust in harder, faster. She gasped, pressing against him. He felt her lips smile against his neck. Another harder thrust, another gasp. Her fingers tightened on his shoulders. Slowly, rhythmically, he built on each stroke, drawing himself out slowly only to plunge into her as deep as he could. Each time, her hips moved to meet him. Her other leg slid up his, her knees firmly guiding his hips.

He could feel himself losing control. His thrusts came faster, harder. Her cries were more and more frantic, high pitched, almost frightened little noises that made him throb inside her. He could feel a crescendo building in her voice, in his own gasps. His lips pressed against her chest, between her breasts, as he plunged into her. Finally, he couldn't hold back. With a wordless cry, he buried himself inside her, coming with an intensity that made him nearly black out. She screamed, thrusting her hips to meet his.

Just then, he heard a popping noise from somewhere away from them. His eyes opened reflexively. He heard some commotion in the distance. The lights were flickering, and his desk terminal looked like it was powering back on. Aww, shiiiit. So much for afterglow...

He sat up quickly, too quickly. Blood rushed back into his head, making him dizzy. He saw the interface on his terminal pop up. "EDI, what's happening? Are we under attack?" he asked, trying not to panic. Flashbacks of invading Collectors stormed his brain.

"No, Jeff... there was... a power short. Nothing to worry about. I think I blew a fuse." EDI sounded strange. Out of breath, if she breathed.

Somewhat reluctantly, he pulled the neural stimulator off of his head, folding the cables gently and laying it aside. With the threat nullified, his thoughts went back to his mysterious lover. Something about her voice was so familiar... it was maddening. His hand rested on the device. "Who are you?" he whispered.

"A friend."

His head whipped up and he turned quickly. His room was empty. Lights flickered on his corner terminal. He shivered a little. He wasn't one for ghost stories, but that was a bit eerie. "What the hell...?" He ran a hand over his head, frustrated. "Great, now I'm hearing shit." The terminal powered down, and he was left alone in the silence to ponder his strange evening.

---

"It was the strangest thing, Shepard!" Tali was tapping her omnitool as she spoke. "All of the ship's systems surged at once... power, ventilation, shields... the weapons even powered on for a moment! Then nothing." She shrugged. "A couple fuses blew, and Kenneth got a shock from his maintenance terminal, but everything seems to be back to normal."

Shepard frowned, then turned to the nearest terminal. "EDI, how's the ship? Did we get a virus? Are you ok?"

"No, no virus," EDI replied hastily. Odd. "It was a simple power fluctuation. Nothing more. Everything's fine now. How are you?"

Shepard and Tali both stared at the floating holo-orb.

"You're sure you're alright? Maybe I should run some secondary scans..." Shepard looked at Tali. "You're sounding a little... weird."

"I assure you, I'm fine, Commander."

Shepard sighed. "OK, but I'll be watching you."

"Thank you, Commander."

The terminal powered off once more. All was quiet on the Normandy except the engine's contented hum.


(* Line cribbed from the game.)