Handle With Care (An 'A Star to Sail Her By" story

SPOILER WARNING!!! MASS EFFECT 2!!!

----

“You're still here?” Commander Shepard poked her head into the cockpit. “I thought I ordered everyone to get some R&R!” She folded her arms, looking at Joker sternly.

Joker smirked. “I am relaxing. This seat is incredibly comfortable. I'd say you should try it, but I think it's kinda molded to me.” He spun his seat around to face her.

She sighed, shaking her head. “Not surprising. Seriously, Joker. Take a break. You have more than earned it.” She rested a hand on his shoulder. “None of us would be here without you.” She gave him a gentle squeeze, then stepped back. “I had a feeling you'd still be here, so I brought some of the party to you.” She handed him a bottle. “Just don't go flying off afterwards, ok?”

“Thanks, boss.” He accepted the bottle. Whiskey, single malt, from Earth. Pricey, and from a whiff of it, very nice indeed.

“Thank you, Joker. You are the best.”

Shepard walked off. Joker watched her go. Garrus was waiting for her by the CIC map. Jeez, does that guy ever loosen up? he thought as they started talking. He couldn't hear them, but he saw her poke Garrus in the chest. “Did he just laugh? I think hell just froze over!” he said to no one in particular.

“No unusual weather patterns detected.” Joker looked at EDI's holo. “That was a joke.”

He groaned softly. Shepard walked off towards the elevator, Garrus close behind. “Wonder what they're up to...” he mused softly.

“They appear to be approaching the main battery chamber.”

“Huh.” Always business, those two. “They really need to relax for a few minutes. I doubt we're gonna need the guns at the Citadel.” He took a cautious sip from the bottle. Smooth. The warmth trickled down his throat and spread nicely. He wasn't a big drinker-- considering his health problems, getting trashed could only lead to broken bones and tragedy-- but after last night's mission, it was welcome. Barely escaping Collectors on HIS ship, flying through the Omega 4 relay and not destroying the Normandy instantly, dodging fire, fleeing before an exploding space station... he'd been tested to the extreme, and still brought everyone AND the Normandy through it safe and mostly sound. Ok, they'd be patching her up for weeks, but she held together.

He was tired. Much as he loved flying, much as a part of him reveled in what he'd done, parking the Normandy for a couple days at the Citadel was perfectly fine by him.

He heard a giggle and turned. Gabby and Kenneth from Engineering staggered by, holding onto each other for dear life. “Hey, Joker! We're goin...where were we goin'?” Kenneth looked at Gabby. She snorted indelicately.

“You're goin' to bed, ya drunk idjit.”

“But Muuum...”

Joker rolled his eyes and turned back around. “Have fun, you two.” Yeesh. Still, he envied Kenneth a bit... Gabby was pretty hot. And an engineer, which just adds hotness points. She could optimize my forward thrusters any day... They staggered off, bickering like an old couple.

He gave a bitter snort. If she did, he'd probably wind up in the infirmary for a month. The last time he'd tried anything with a woman, she snapped both his legs in three places by sitting on his lap. Not exactly a great way to romance a girl. The next sip was a lot deeper.

“Hey, EDI... how many people are still aboard?”

“Including you, six. Commander Shepard, Garrus Vakarian, Gabriella Daniels, Kenneth Donnely, and Tali'zorah vas Normandy are also aboard.”

“This needs some ice. Think I'm gonna go down to the mess for a bit. Keep my seat warm, EDI.”

“This seat is not equipped with thermal controls.”

Joker sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Figure of speech, EDI. Just let me know if anything pops up that I gotta deal with, ok?”

“Sorry, Jeff. I will alert you if needed.”

“Thanks, EDI.”

As he hauled himself out of his seat, a comm channel clicked on behind him. He paused. “What now?”

A loud gasp filled the air of the cockpit, followed by shorter gasps. Oh shit...what's aboard now? He reached for the button to reply. The gasps were rhythmic, followed by a female moan of pleasure. Someone was up against a control panel, very off-duty.

“Oh. My. God.” Joker snickered. Good for...whoever. He listened for a moment. A long moment. A little vicarious pleasure never hurt anyone. She panted harder, a frantic edge starting, her voice mingling with another voice... a low growl. Wait a minute... That did NOT sound human. The channel clicked off.

“Umm, EDI...”

“Yes, Jeff?”

He laughed. No way. No fucking way. He barely stifled his mirth. “Where did that come from?”

“The main battery array.”

His brain locked for a moment. No. Fucking. Way.

“Would you like to reply?”

“I don't even want to... urgh. No, EDI.” He shuddered a little. Commander Shepard was a fine looking woman and a helluva soldier. What she did on her own time...was admittedly the source of a randy daydream or two. But...Stick-up-the-butt Vakarian? The TURIAN? For a moment, he pondered just how that would work, then thought better of it. “OK, I'm gonna go drink that mental picture away now. Later.”

As he hobbled from the cockpit, bottle in hand, he pondered his options. The battery array was out...way out. The mess... they'd have to walk through sometime, and that was gonna be awkward as hell. Engineering? It'd be just my luck to walk in on Gabby and Ken.

He growled. Knowing other people were getting laid on the ship did not exactly help his own frustrations. Now he was thinking about it, something flying helped keep out of his mind. Someplace quiet, solitary... the thought of just going to the men's room for a wank with a bottle of whiskey was more depressing than knowing even Garrus was getting some tonight.

Wherever he wound up, he needed ice for the whiskey.

When he walked into the mess, he saw Tali sitting alone at one of the tables, swirling some glowing liquid in a glass. Not someone he'd talked to a lot, but someone he admired from afar. Her engineering chops made Gabby a pale and distant second, and she had a great voice. Looks-wise...quarians were a bit mysterious in that regard. What he could see was shapely and quite nice.

“Are you alright, Joker?”

He realized abruptly that he'd probably just been staring at her. Shit. How much of this have I had?

“Uhh... hi!” Smooth. “I thought you'd be out celebrating with the others.”

She shook her head. “Oh, no. I wasn't really in the mood for a lot of noise.” She raised the glass to the nourishment aperture in her helmet.

“Oh!” Shit. “Sorry... I can go...”

“No!” she said hastily. “I did not mean that. Please, join me.” She gestured towards a chair across from her.

Huh. Maybe tonight won't totally suck. “Sure! Let me get a glass.”

“You know, I have never gotten a chance to sit and talk with you. I am very impressed with your piloting skills. Even in the flotilla, I haven't seen anyone who could compare.”

“Wow...” High praise he was used to, but coming from someone with her voice, alone, away from the cockpit... Brain. Work. Now. “Thanks!” Nice, stud. GAH. He poured himself a couple fingers of whiskey to drown out the self-berating. Words. Need words... The pause was growing longer, more awkward. “The upgrades you added make her a lot nicer to fly. She always handled a little awkwardly... even back when you were feeding ideas to Adams on the old Normandy, I really saw some changes. This time, though...whoa. She just slides through space like...” He trailed off, trying to think of a metaphor that wasn't possibly sexual. He failed.

“Thank you. That is very kind.” She took another sip of her drink.

“Kind nothin'! I mean, I always loved flying the Normandy...both Normandies, but when you got your hands on her, she just...sings, now.”

She laughed, a sweet sound. “You are making me blush, Joker.”

Just then, the battery door opened. Garrus exited, chuckling, followed by a somewhat rumpled-looking Shepard attempting to smooth her hair down. They froze for a second when they saw Tali and Joker, then took on a casual stance in unison.

“Evening, Commander!” Joker raised his glass at the two of them in a toast.

“Evening, you two.” Shepard coughed. “Umm...”

“It is good to know that you are so vigilant about the state of the ship's weaponry,” Tali said. Her voice was full of barely-restrained laughter.

Garrus rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, of course. Wouldn't want the Reapers catching us with our pants... off guard...”

Tali coughed a few times. “True...” she gasped, trying desperately not to laugh. “Care to join us? We were just having a drink and talking...”

Shepard looked at Garrus and shook her head. “Nah, I think we're...I'm...just going to turn in for the night.”

Garrus glanced back at her and nodded. “Yeah... still a little tired out from all of the Collector-killing last night.”

“Understood. Goodnight, Shepard, Garrus.” Tali gave a fingertip wave as the two walked briskly towards the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed, they both lost it. “Oh... oh my...” Tali gasped for air. “I knew they were close friends, but I didn't know they were THAT close!”

“Yeah. They also need to remember where the comm button is on that console in there.” Joker snorted, taking a swig from his drink.

Tali leaned forward. “No!” she gasped incredulously. “They didn't...”

Joker gave a little shudder. Tali gave a delighted little squeak and began to laugh again.

A thought occurred to him. “Wait a minute...how long have you been sitting out here?”

Tali looked down at her drink, a little guiltily. “Long enough...”

Joker grinned broadly. A voyeur? Hot.

Her voice became a little frantic. “I mean...it's not like I wanted to listen...I...umm...”

Joker reached out and patted her hand. “I'm just messin' with ya, Tali. Relax.”

She looked down at his hand, then at him. “Oh. I'm making a bit of an ass of myself.”

“Nah.” His hand was still on hers. She wasn't protesting. The room was getting warmer. Maybe it was the whiskey.

“I'm happy for them. They are good people and deserve some happiness after all they've been through.” Her voice was wistful. “Few people could understand, much less empathize with, all that we've done and seen.”

Joker nodded. “Got that right. Of course, we aren't exactly an average group of people. Shepard's amazing, Garrus is pretty badass in his own right, I'm awesome, and you... you're brilliant.”

Her other hand rested on top of his, gently holding it. “Thank you.”

The English language had completely left the building. “Uhhhm.” Girl. Wow. Shit, Jeff, think.

“It's funny... I love Shepard, I really do, but sometimes it's hard to be next to someone with that powerful a presence, especially one as beautiful as she is. I...you feel a little overshadowed, sometimes. Like you can't possibly measure up.” She snorted delicately. “But now I am just babbling...”

“No...” Joker protested, placing his other hand on hers. “And I know what you mean. Sort of. But you've got nothing to worry about... you're plenty hot in your own right.” SHIT! Did I say hot? SHIT! “I...mean...you're...” Dammit.

Her head bowed, she laughed softly. “Wow.” She looked up, her eyes meeting his. “You're not bad yourself,” she added, a note of flirtiness in her voice.

Did that just happen? “I... um, wow. Thanks!” He could feel things stirring and closed his eyes for a moment, willing himself back under control.

Tali glanced at her drink, then at Joker. She was hesitating about something.

“I've admired you a lot, honestly. It can be very... isolating... when your health is fragile. People keep you at arms length, afraid they'll hurt you somehow.” She took back a hand, gesturing at one of the seals on her pressure suit. “But you manage to keep a sense of humor about it. I envy that.” Her fingers traced the back of his hand.

“Heh. Yeah.” He bowed his head for a moment. He hadn't really thought about her... situation like that before. “Keeps me from going nuts, y'know?” Her touch was gentle. He couldn't remember the last time a woman touched him like that. It resonated through his body. Silently, he prayed she wouldn't notice. Her fingers traced a wider pattern, over his wrist, up his arm slightly, back to his hand. He shivered. Baseball... flight system mechanics... glaciers... dammit...

She picked up her glass and finished her drink, then set it down and ran her finger over the rim. She looked away for a moment, steeling herself for something, then looked back. Joker cocked his head.

“Have...” Her voice was quiet, furtive. “Have you ever tried neural feedback?”

Holy... He silently thanked the universe. “No, no I haven't.” He blushed despite himself. “Never really had the opportunity.”

Her fingers laced between his. “Would you like to?” she asked shyly.

“YES,” he blurted, a little louder than he intended. He cleared his throat. Nice one, jackass. “I mean sure. Sounds... good.”

She giggled and stood up, offering him a hand. He took it and carefully stood up, willing his body to behave itself. He prayed she wouldn't notice his erection. Thankfully, with his irregular gait masking the difficulty he had walking it off, she didn't.

They walked to the elevator together, hand in hand. The doors closed behind them. Her other hand rose to his cheek, tracing down to his neck. He closed his eyes. Every fiber of his being wanted to kiss her. Damn that helmet. He brought their joined hands up and kissed the back of her hand instead. She made a quiet happy noise.

The elevator door opened. Tali stepped out, gently towing Joker behind her towards a side room near Engineering. As they passed the door to Engineering, they heard a few moans of pleasure...this time, both human. Go Kenneth... he mused for a moment before Tali opened the door and drew him inside.

The room was small, only big enough for a bed and a small dresser. She sat on the edge of the bed. He joined her, a bundle of nerves. Her hand went to his face again, fingers drawing tiny circles across his cheek, down his neck, towards his throat. He closed his eyes and caught her other hand, kissing the back, then the palm, planting small kisses towards her wrist. He could hear her breath catch, then quicken.

“Lie down,” she whispered, her hand on his shoulder. He scooted towards the wall and laid down on his side, facing her. She joined him, so close their bodies touched.

Silently she cursed in quarian. “Stupid helmet,” she muttered, trying not to bonk Joker in the head with it.

He put his hand on her arm and kissed where he knew her mouth would be. “It's ok.”

She gave a sad little sigh, then brightened. “You're wonderful, you know that?”

He grinned. “Yeah, well...” Not the time to be a tool, Jeff. “...you're pretty awesome yourself.”

She reached into a pocket hidden by the cowl of her helmet and drew out what looked like a set of electrodes. “They're... standard, for adult quarians. Even between each other, we mostly... get intimate...in our suits. Safer that way.” She looked away, embarassed.

And I thought I had it bad... “Takes safe sex to a whole new dimension,” he quipped, immediately wanting to punch himself in the face. “Hey...” He placed his hand on the side of her helmet, pulling her face back towards his. “Don't worry about it. If we tried...to do things... the other way, I'd be in the infirmary too. And that's not very romantic.” He thought back to the last time, the snap of his bones, Tiffany's horrified scream. “Trust me.”

She smiled. “I do.” A pause. “Do you trust me?”

“Considering all the shit we've seen together... yes. Yes I do.” He smiled back. “Now, what do I need to do?”

“Just relax.” She took the electrodes and pressed them to his temples gently. His whole body tingled slightly. “It'll synch us up...now, just close your eyes.”

He did. Suddenly, he felt bare skin on his own, pressing against his chest. “Whoa...” She giggled. He felt her hand, her bare hand, caress his back. He reached his hand towards her, running it down her arm. “This is... wow.”

“It bypasses our normal sensory-motor...” She paused. “I'd explain the tech, but that's really not what I want to be doing right now,” she said with a laugh.

“Duly noted.” He drew her closer and kissed her. Her lips pressed against his, yielding, with a soft urgent sound. Their lips parted, tongues gently caressing.

His fingers traced down her back to her waist, feeling the curves of her form. Hers laced into his hair. Emboldened, he kissed her chin, then her throat, the top of her breast. She gasped. His lips found her nipple and drew it into his mouth, sucking gently. “Oh...” She made soft cooing sounds, like a dove, as his tongue caressed her. Her fingers traced the back of his neck, fingernails gently raking. He felt her back arch towards him. He pushed her gently down against the bed, fingers caressing the nipple he just abandoned while moving to the other. Her nails ran down his back, softly, then harder. “Oh Joker...” she gasped.

“Jeff,” he whispered, pausing only a moment. “Call me Jeff.”

“Jeff,” she whispered back, desire flooding her voice. He felt himself grow even harder.

His lips cruised downward, kissing her stomach. She gasped louder, shivering with anticipation and pleasure. He smiled against her skin, kissing down, down, until he felt the moisture of her lips beneath his. It tasted sweet, salty, and exotically musky. His tongue ran down the bare slit, then slipped within. She cried out, the dove suddenly wounded. He found her clit and began to tease it with the tip of his tongue, gently stroking. His hands caressed her thighs. She reached down to him, catching one of his hands and holding it tightly. He heard his name, first softly, then louder. She arched toward him, and he began to suck at her, drinking in her juices. “Keelah!” She shook like she was going to fly apart at any moment, then cried out helplessly, crashing back against the bed.

He slid back up to kiss her. She caught his shoulder, rolling him over and pushing him into the softness of the bed. Her leg slid over him, straddling him. “Keelah, Jeff. I need you,” she moaned into his ear. He shivered, letting his hands roam over her back, down to her ass. She slid down, and he felt her moistness on the tip of his cock. Gently but firmly, he caught her hips and pressed her downward, bringing his hips up to meet her.

His body had never moved this easily before. Stars flashed before his eyes as he felt her take him in, heard her cry out, gasping his name, riding him slowly and smoothly. He silently prayed to make this last, to hold back long enough to hear that cry again. She moved faster, harder. His hands ran over her body. He slipped a finger carefully into her, caressing her clit again. She gave a soft cry of surprise, then ecstasy. Her hips locked against his for a moment, then moved again, more frantically than before. “Jeff... oh, Keelah...JEFF...”

Just when he thought he couldn't hold back anymore, she cried out, a thin, startled little noise, and came down on him, burying him deep within her. He felt himself joining her, felt the sweet release come at last, pulling her closer still as his body shook with the force of his orgasm. His cry joined her breathless gasps.

They held each other close for a moment, both panting for air, still locked together. Carefully, she lifted her hips, releasing him, so that she could slide up against him and rest her cheek on his chest. He pulled her closer still, feeling the softness of her breasts against him, feeling her breath on his skin. For the moment, he forgot about his fragile bones, her pressure suit, and the rest of the world far away in reality. For the moment, he was in heaven, with an angel nibbling his neck.

--

A faint clicking noise brought them back. Reluctantly, Tali pulled away, reaching up to his forehead. “Wonderful as this is, the neural stimulus device is a huge power draw,” she said regretfully. The feel of her skin slowly faded away, replaced by the feeling of his own clothes. His hand still rested on her hip, though she was lying further away than she had felt moments ago.

He could feel cooling moisture in his pants. “Aw, hell...” he groaned.

Tali raised a hand to her mouth. “Oh...yeah...should have warned you about that.” She looked a little guilty. “I've...only ever done this with another quarian. Our suits take care of...that.” She reached into the top drawer of her dresser, drawing out some tissues. She started to hand them to him, then paused. With a little smile, she began to unbutton his pants for him.

“Huh?” He started to protest, then changed his mind as he felt her touch, gently caressing him as she cleaned him up. This time, the touch was real, if gloved. He felt things stirring again, almost painfully. She withdrew her hand and tossed the tissues in the waste disposal chute. “Um, thanks,” he said, a little embarrassed.

“My pleasure.” Her arm slid around his waist, pulling him as close as she could. “Very much my pleasure.”

He rested his forehead against her helmet, embracing her. “Mine too.” He felt sleep weighing him down, that post-coital bane of the male human condition. “Mmph.”

“I...” She paused, shyly. “Would it be... dangerous if you spent the night?”

Joker pondered a moment. Maybe. But it would be so worth it. “Nah...I'd love to.”

She gave a happy sigh and rolled over. He pulled her closer, his arm under her neck. With luck, she wouldn't break it. Her back pressed into his chest, her hips into his groin. He nestled his face in the folds of her cowl and felt a peace he hadn't felt...well, ever, to be honest.

As he drifted off, he could almost feel her skin against his again. Maybe, someday, he would.