Tears Amidst the Starlight

Her fingers slid over the musty leather cover and rolled over the smooth silver embroidery. It was a familiar hobby of hers now. She always found herself sitting there, staring and fingering the raised letters for hours. And just as every other time, her fingers would slowly work over the title and inch closer to the edge of the cover and curl over the side. With grim determination, Ashley would pinch the leather binding between her finger and thumb and take several shuddering breaths before… her chest would tighten painfully and her slackening fingers would slide from the book. She couldn’t bear to open it. Every lilting passage conjured that commanding voice urging her to the escape pod, the sinking lurch when only Joker glared from the last pod, and the void that swallowed her at his awkward apology. But mostly, she couldn’t face the heart rending words on that first damnable page. Words that brought to life that one moment in all its wonderful and tender ferocity.

* * *

“To broaden your horizons.” His charming smile flashed across his face and he chuckled. Her heart swelled at his surprisingly boyish chuckle. A hardened warrior, a Spectre who had killed a ruthless and tyrannical machine, a man who could make heartless maniacs tremble with a glance… laughing like a mischievous little boy filled with wonder and innocence. It always surprised her. It always delighted her. It always filled her with such tender grace.

“Ah, Skipper, you didn’t have to…” she gleefully tore through the wrapping and smiled at the silver words gleaming in the moonlight: Embrace Eternity. Her fingers briefly teased the raised title before she opened the cover. She gasped slightly at the bright neon pink lovingly flowing over the first page. She read the small note and beamed before chuckling herself. It was simple, yet sweet. But that didn’t stop him from ribbing her over her infamous sense of fashion and taste in armour. “Meanie.”

She playfully swatted his shoulder and he chuckled again. She stuck out her tongue and scrunched up her face at his not-so-subtle jibe, but quickly turned her attention back to his present. Shaking her head she turned the page and laughed with abandon at the first flowing word.

“ Asari poetry?” Ashley’s laugh fell into wild giggling as she read the first few lines. Shepard merely smiled at her amused laugh. The giggling was quickly cut off as Ashley cleared her throat as the verses slowly changed. Soon, her face was awash in a furious crimson flush as the lilting rhythm of one poem painted a sensuous and passionate night of fingers, and lips, and tongues. Still blushing, she glanced under her eyelashes at his knowing smile. Clearing her throat she tried to read, but the images of that last poem flooded her mind. With a bemused sigh and a shake of her head, Ashley quickly closed the book and threw it onto his desk.

Shepard shrugged his shoulders as she gave him a long searching glance. He shifted on his feet as she stared and his smile faltered. But it didn’t last too long as Ashley blushed even more deeply and ground her thighs together to stem the heated quivering in pulses through her body. He saw this and smiled again and opened his arms invitingly, his eyes smoldering with desire and the knowledge that he had won this battle. Ashley pouted and wiggled her nose in frustration before giving up and leaping into his offered embrace. She wrapped her arms around his neck and quickly covered his smug smile with her pleading lips. She groaned as he wrapped his own strong arms around her back and pulled her body against his. Her mouth pulled back slightly and she flicked her tongue against his lips and then smiled. With a delighted giggle she spun him around and then fell back into her bed, tugging his willing body over her...

* * *

“No, no, no!” she screamed and shook her head, her arms wrapping around her body. The memory hurt. She didn’t want to relive that night again. It was nice, and loving, and sweet but it was gone. He was gone. Even without the damn words reminding her, that night both comforted and haunted her. The book only made it worse, so it remained firmly shut. But she would sit there, hours slipping by as her finger played over those glossy letters. She couldn’t help it. It was all that was left of him.

So, like every other night, she sat there in bed, cradling the book in her lap, and traced those words over and over and over. Her unfocused stare was locked on her fingers, never wavering as the seconds ticked away and minutes soon became hours again. Her fingers absently twirled over the raised and her gaze was focused far beyond the book. She was still standing there at the edge of the escape pod, dumbly staring at Joker with his words resounding through her head and her heart shattering. She was always standing there. Maybe she would always be standing there. Her shoulders started to shake. Her eyes burned and she desperately fought the tears, but her shoulders were heaving uncontrollably and soon tears streaked down her cheeks and gasping sobs broke the silence.

As she cried, bitter thoughts swirled in her head and her jaw clenched in fury. A long, bitter year. So many nights, and she was still sitting on her bed in the dim corner of her quarters, pining over a simple book, and crying. Every night, crying. She was tired of it, but she couldn’t stop it.

A tired and disgusted sigh escaped her lips as she closed her eyes and lifted her head. She tried to stop crying, but sobs continued to wrack her body. With a growl Ashley grabbed the book, leapt off the bed, and roughly wiped her cheeks, violently swiping away her tears. She was tired of the tears. With this fleeting moment of disgust and rage she raised the book over her head and reared back. For a moment her muscles tensed, strained and ready to heave the book maliciously into the tiny trash bin between her bed and desk. Her fingers pressed into the soft leather and her shoulder burned in anticipation. But with a tired and choked sob, her shoulders slumped in resignation and her arm lifelessly fell to her side with the book safely clenched in her hand. She laughed, a choking hurt rumble mocking her pathetic nightly routine. The woman who had so confidently proclaimed that she didn’t need a man her life was nothing more than a hurt little girl endlessly mewling over that very man.

With that mocking laugh echoing in her ears, she leaned over the nearby desk and slid the book into the centre with tender care, the same as every night. Her fingers lingered for a moment, refusing to leave the precious memento, before finally sliding off the warm leather and retreating to the cold hard surface of the desk. It was a memento of everything she lost. It hurt so fiercely, but she could not part with it. It was the only thing she had. It was all that was left of him. Everything else had burned with the Normandy that day, with him… tears continued to streak down her cheeks as she stared at the book. She hated it, she loved it, she didn’t know what to do with it. Her fingers quietly snuck closer to the book again. Longing and painful desire making them tremble. The tips of her fingers pushed over the leather and grazed the smooth edges of the pages, flicking lightly. The pages rustled and Ashley shuddered. His smug smile and boyish chuckle wafting through her mind. Her fingers glided back over the leather and firmly grasped the book.

But before she picked it back up and lost herself to the routine again, her door hissed open and broke her from her heart-broken revelry. With a surprised and light gasp she stood up straight and quickly tried to swallow her tears.

“One moment.” She was still for a few moments as she slowly stemmed her tears and stopped crying. She wiped her cheeks to hide her condition as best as possible, though she knew her red puffy eyes would still give her away. Ashley coughed once as she straightened herself up one last time then turned around to greet her guest.

A dark shadow loomed in the door, the glaring light just outside her door shrouding his face as the brightness made her wince in pain and squint. She hissed and covered her eyes to the harsh glare. She couldn’t see anything but a bulky black shadow.

“Yes?” the figure simply stood there, the blurred outline of a man teasing her adapting eyes for long moments. She grunted in annoyance at the silent figure. “Do you need something?” the figure did not move or speak. Ashley grunted again and shook her head in frustration. “Look…”

Just as she started to yell the figure finally took one step forward. She quickly shut her mouth and froze, blinking in confusion. There was something so familiar, so teasing… The door hissed shut and the glaring light disappeared. She blinked a few times until her eyes adjusted to the far too familiar darkness and the dim light of her quarters finally traced the figure’s face. A choked gasp escaped her lips and her eyes widened in shock at the burly figure hovering just inside the doorway. For only a few moments she dared to hope, dared to believe. She wanted to believe... But just as tears started to crawl down her cheeks again she closed her eyes, shook her head violently, and laughed in complete disgust. It was just another trick. It had to be: just one more pathetic joke of a mind trying to bury the painful reality. He was dead, gone.

“Stop it!” her hand thundered off the desk as she turned away from the tormenting shade and drew ragged, halting breaths. Why couldn’t she just accept it? Why couldn’t she move on? What was wrong with her? She closed her eyes and clenched her teeth. He was dead, he was gone. With a series of shuddering breaths she slowly calmed herself, repeated the painful mantra to herself. He was dead, he was gone. He was dead, he was gone. Finally, she stood up straight and turned to glance back to what would be an agonizingly empty space.

The figure gave a shy and boyish grin, his lips twisted with doubt and his tired eyes glowing with a desperate, fading hope. He was still there, standing right in front of her. Her lips trembled as tears began to pour in streams down her cheeks. He tried to take a step forward, but Ashley quickly retreated, bumping into her desk harshly. He stopped, concern and pain flashing across his face. With a pleading glance he opened his arms and shrugged. She sobbed. She tried to choke it off, but only managed a strangled, rattling breath before her shoulders slumped and she quickly buried her face in her hands.

“Why?” her whisper cracked as she cried. “Why won’t you leave me alone?!?” Her legs finally gave out beneath her as she yelled and Ashley fell to her knees, sobbing. It was too much. The nightly routing, the memories, the dreams, and the foolish hopes… a year of bitterness, a year of this hellish charade pressed down on her and she curled over, her head hovering just above her knees and her body heaving with each sob.

And then she was suddenly wrapped in a tight, warm, and infuriatingly gentle embrace. She gasped in surprise as strong but tender hands glided across her back and slowly drew her trembling body into a hard, warm chest. She fought briefly against the new twist before submitting to the gentle tugging of his strong arms and she meekly melted into the embrace. With blind instinct, she buried her face into his shoulder and flung her arms around his neck and cried. He felt warm, firm, and alive. He felt alive. She nuzzled his neck in confusion as she continued to cry. A light caress warmed the skin just behind her ear and she shuddered at the warmth of his breath as he cooed softly into her ear. Her skin tingled and she gasped again as the smoldering embers of desire crackled with life. She reveled in the scorching flame briefly before she growled in frustration and pushed at his chest.

He loosened his embrace, but his hands stopped just above her hips and refused to leave their perch. He let her pull back enough so that when she looked up she gazed directly into his eyes. She tried to pull away but his grip was strong and forceful.

“No, no, no, no…” she struggled desperately, trying to wriggle free. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be real. But she was losing the battle. His strong grip did not loosen one bit and he began to gently nip her hips. She shuddered and her struggling slowed a bit. His eyes sparkled in delight and his lips twisted in a smile. His fingers started to twirl and glide across her hips. She shuddered again, this time biting her lip and closing her eyes. She had to fight it.

He let his fingers snake inwards slightly until he found the supple edge of her stomach. She shuddered again and her struggling ceased. His fingers traced the outline of her stomach, slowly trailing the outline of her taut abs. He knew exactly where to caress her. She groaned. Her eyes widened in shock as she felt his warm lips press onto her parted mouth. His fingers playfully tickled across her stomach and hips as he wrapped her in another tight embrace. He pulled back, her lips twitching as she tried to keep his mouth melted with her own. But he quickly pulled his mouth out of her reach and held her tightly. She gazed up into his eyes and pouted as her lips still tried to find his once more. He chuckled. That same boyish chuckle… her heart fluttered and she lost the battle.

“Please.” She whispered and pressed her body against his, pushing her breasts into chest and grinding her hips against his legs.

“Please what?” his eyes twinkled with mischief and he chuckled again. She groaned and let her hands glide over his thighs. Her fingers pricked and danced their way over his hips and slowly teased their way around his hips. With a pleading glance and her lips parted in one last begging sigh, her hands slid over his firm ass and clenched tightly.

“It’s been so long.” She pulled his ass towards her and groaned again when she felt the wonderful, firmness of his erection pressing into her stomach. He was really here. He was alive. She laughed as he finally groaned in response to her taut body against his. Then finally, his lips hungrily devoured hers before gleefully parting and his tongue glided over her lips and quickly glided between her lips as she sighed in blissful release.

Her tongue twirled around his, reveling in the taste of his mouth. It was so sweet at that moment. With a wild growl she pushed him back slightly, lifted her butt off her heels to rise slightly above him, then grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him deeply. His hands retreated to her hips and playfully nipped her again. She flinched then giggled, pressing her forehead to his and closing her eyes. His fingers wormed their way down and under her pants, grasping at the end of her tucked shirt. The tips of his fingers grazed naked skin and both groaned.

Ashley shuddered as he tenderly kissed her cheek then gleefully kissed a trail over her blushing face, to her burning ears, and down her neck. She threw her head back and her hair spilled in waves down her neck and just over her shoulders as he nuzzled into her neck and shoulder, nibbling and licking in tiny circles. She smiled as she felt his hands tug and her shirt slide free from her pants and his hands worked their way underneath the fabric to glide over smooth skin. A moan escaped her parted lips as his hands slid up and his fingers teased the bottom of her breasts. She then whimpered as fingers traced around her breasts, teasing the edges before retreating. She wanted to feel his hands, to feel his palms slide over her straining nipples and cover her breasts completely. She needed it.

And just as she pressed her breasts towards his wandering hands he whispered.

“Is this what you want?” and she could only groan as his fingers danced upwards and rub her nipples in small circles. He smiled at the firm and aroused nipples under his attentful fingers and kissed his way up her throat before finally sealing her parted lips with his hungry mouth. For long minutes they simply staid there, kissing while he caressed her breasts under her shirt.

“Please.” She finally pulled away from his devouring mouth and begged. With a wistful smile he nodded once and his hands glided across her skin and to her back before he slid them up. Ashley shivered as his hands caressed her neck as he lifted his arms and slowly freed her from her shirt, his hands only leaving her hot skin once he pulled the shirt over her head.

She pulled away slightly and arched her back, her round breasts jutting out. He needed no words, no suggestion. He bent forward and lightly kissed her offered nipples as his hands wrapped around her again and slid down. He sucked it deep into his mouth and then nipped at her flesh with his teeth. She gasped and arched her back more, pressing her nipple even deeper into his mouth. He chuckled, a muffled throaty growl with his mouth full as it was. Her fingers curled in pleasure as she pressed his head to her body, gasping and moaning as he spent long minutes worshiping each breast with his lips, teeth, and tongue.

His fingers worked their way under her pants again, this time slowly pushing the fabric down as his palms pressed into her firm butt. As his tongue teased her protruding nipples, he continued the slow sensual disrobement of his lover. She shivered as the cool air caressed her naked ass as he pushed her pants over her smooth and wonderful globes. She mewled in disappointment when his lips and tongue vanished from her breasts and pouted. The pout turned into a mirthful and girlish giggle and he grabbed her ass firmly, lifted her up as he twisted to the side, before gently laying her down on her bed.

He bent in and lingered with one long kiss as his hands rubbed small circles on her now quivering ass. She mewled again when his lips left again, only to moan seconds later as he kissed just below her throat, then between her heaving breasts. His hands slowly circled lower as kissed a trail across her chest and down her stomach. She giggled as his breath tickled her. She then groaned as he licked gently around her belly button.

Finally, his fingers brushed up against the edge of her pants and promptly curled around it. With a sigh, Ashley raised her hips and thighs off the bed as he kissed just above the peeking strands of her mound. In one smooth stroke, he slid both her pants and panties off her body and tossed them aside. With a lustful smile he sat back on his heels and gazed at the naked goddess lying before him. Ashley giggled again as her body flushed under his stare. She raised her hand to her mouth and bit on her finger and smiled as an overwhelming tide of embarrassment and pleasure flooded over her.

With a piercing and smoldering glance, she pursed her lips against her finger and slowly spread her legs to each side. He swallowed hard and she gave one throaty laugh at his reaction. He knelt slowly over her and her breathing became shallow and quick in heated anticipation. He smiled at her glistening folds and she blushed. She was wet and she was ready… not just ready, but desperate and needing for his touch. He bent in and planted a kiss on the light strip of hair decorating her beautiful pussy. He had noticed her tiny strip that first night they made love. He had loved it. She did too as he tormented her for long, long minutes as he kissed around her that small patch of hair. It was agonizing as he teased her, but as his lips caressed lower with each kiss she would shiver and tremble as pleasure flared into life. He worked closer and closer to her glistening sex and she trembled at each step.

Finally, he broke the long and terrible drought and his lips loving pressed over her quivering lips. She moaned as her arms spread to each side and her hands clenched the sheets tightly. He gingerly sucked on one quivering and begging fold of her pussy. She squealed. He sucked on its twin, she squealed again. Her body convulsed and her hips undulated as his lips glided over hers and his tongue snaked out for a teasing taste of her treasures. His tongue parted her lips again and she gave a ragged growl as she began to burn in that familiar sensation. For several moments, he teased her. Kissing her open pussy lightly while his tongue barely explored her aching and begging sex. With a wry smile he pulled away, but just as she shouted in protest he leaned in and nipped her now offered clit just ever so slightly before locking his lips around her quivering bud and sucking.

With one flick of his tongue, Ashley howled as her orgasm slammed into her. Wave, after wave, after wave, after wave… it wouldn’t stop. She squirmed, and bucked, and contorted as he licked, sucked, and bit at her most intimate sanctuary. She kept coming. It would not stop. Her legs hands balled into tight fists and her legs kicked meekly with each wave of her orgasm. Her eyes started to roll up into head as her blood pounded in her ears. She was going to pass out.

“Enough.” In a ragged whisper, she croaked. “Enough.”

She groaned in relief and disappointment when he ceased his wondrous ministrations and her legs squeezed shut. He smiled as she trembled and convulsed in with aftershocks of the tremendous orgasm. He stood. Ashley gazed at his body towering over her as she trembled. He gave one last boyish chuckle before slowly undressing. Ashley’s body slowly stopped trembling as he stripped for her, but she felt that familiar tingle deep within as she watched his delicious and maddeningly arousing nipples and sculpted abs reveal themselves at last. She couldn’t help but growl in need and intense arousal as he kicked off his pants and his hard, wonderful shaft proudly jutted from his body.

With a husky groan, Ashley spread her legs again and opened her arms with a hopeful invitation. She didn’t have to wait. He crawled between her legs and quickly leaned in to devour her mouth in a passionate kiss. Her arms wrapped around his chest and pulled him tightly to her own. His thighs slid across the back of her thighs and she raised her hips as his shaft glided over the tiny landing strip on her mound. For long, antagonising minutes the hot tip of his shaft tickled across the top of her mound before teasing her open pussy lips with playful swipes. Neither was willing was to take their hands from the other, so they both growled and giggled the tip of his dick only tickled across her seeking lips.

But with deep sighs from their parted lips, it finally parted her lips and he slid into her. She trembled again as he slid inch by inch into her wet and quivering pussy, her walls rippling in delight as he twitched in the long first penetration. As he buried himself completely, he pulled his lips away from hers and stared deeply into her eyes. With one last smile he slowly pulled his hips back and Ashley groaned as his shaft retreated. Then, she squealed as he thrust himself forward, burying himself again. Then again. And again.

Her hands pressed into his back as he made love to her. Her inner walls rippling and burning with each thrust, her outer lips tingling with each shock of pleasure as his sack smacked against her skin. Her breath became ragged as he continued to fiercely pound into her. She could hear his body collide with hers with a wet smack at each thrust. She lovingly gazed into his eyes and smiled as the tide began to rise deep within her body. It was coming.

“Please, make me come.” She threw her head back and gasped. “Come with me, come with me… o god, please… come in me.”

With that finally pleading wish, he gave one strangled, wild grunt and thrust into her savagely and came. At the first hot splash of his seed her mind went blank and her sight white. Her orgasm tore through her body as he continued to thrust with each spurt of his own intense orgasm. She screamed.


She woke with a lurch, her scream choking in her throat. She spent a few seconds taking deep breaths and tried to swallow the panic at the rising sense of dread. Frenzied and scared, she looked around her, whipping her head from side to side, desperately hoping that it wasn’t happening. Not again.

“No, no, no!” she frantically pleaded. “It can’t be. No, it’s not fair. It’s not fair!”

She lay in her bed, the sheets crumpled in a lump around her body. Just her. The book lay on the desk, his frozen smile mocking her in the picture. The rest of the room was the same. No one else was there. No clothes and the solid red light showed that the door was still locked.

“No. It’s not fair. Why?” she was alone…She let the choked scream lose in shrieking wail before crumpling back into the mess of sheets. She curled into a tight ball and sobbed. She shut her eyes tightly, the tears refusing to stop flowing and whispered, her sobs cracking her pained and simple question “Why?”

He was dead, he was gone. It was just a dream. Shepard wasn’t coming back to her.