Chainsaws, Snark and Goddamned Tea

Chainsaws, Snark and Goddamned Tea

A/N: They're so like each other... it had to happen! Yep, I ship it like burning.

Part 1
"Aww crap. Again..."
For the second time in a month, Damon Baird fell to the floor of a windowless, fully furnished apartment.
"Better than Sera..." he continued in a grumble. He got up and then fell into the nearest couch. "Don't wanna think who the next fuckin' roommate's gonna be," he muttered.

Baird's speculation ended as he heard a rasping roar emanate from the kitchen.

"WHERE'S MY MOTHERFUCKIN' GODDAMNED TEA?!?!?"

Baird reluctantly rose from the couch and stomped towards the kitchen. He froze as he entered the doorway and glanced at the source of the voice.

His eyes were an identical blue; hair an identical blond. He also had a pair of goggles perched atop his head. Apart from the cigarette in his mouth and the fact that he was six inches shorter; he could have been Damon's clone.
"Who the fuck're you?" spat the shorter man.
"Name's Baird, asshole. Question is, who are you?" retorted the engineer, straightening his posture and sneering disdainfully.
"Captain Cid Highwind," the pilot rasped back at the taller clone. "You military?"
"Not any fuckin' more," Baird growled back.

As Baird turned around and stomped out of the room, he grabbed the COG-tags around his neck, yanked them off and threw them away.

"Well ain't he just a fuckin' ray of fuckin' sunshine," Cid grouched as he snatched a box of teabags from the pantry.

Part 2
"So where the fuck are we?" The shorter man demanded to know.
"Don't have a fuckin' clue," Baird replied, not even looking at his shorter clone as he flicked through some random horror film on the television, "but yer trapped here so get comfy."

"Fuck," Cid rasped as he exhaled smoke. His cigarette dropped from his lips and his eyes went wide as he saw the gore splash itself over the TV screen, "nasty shit yer watchin.'"
"Seen it all before," Baird casually stated as he scanned between scenes. "This shit's normal fer me."
"Normal?"
"Yep," Damon continued, "floor's on fire."

Cid looked down. The dropped cigarette butt had caused the carpet to smolder. "Fuckin' dammit.."

After quickly dumping water onto the smoldering carpet, Cid looked again at his taller double. Shit he's built.. gotta be six-two and at least two-ten... handsome too. "So where the fuck're ya from if this gore-porn's normal fer ya?"

"Ya don't wanna know," Baird replied stridently as he flicked off the television.
"Try me."
"Alright. From a wasteland crapsack where humanity is on the verge of motherfuckin' extinction because butt-ugly monsters killed nine in ten of us. And our side's rarely better when yer ruled by the fuckin' fascist-socialist-whatevers who don't give a fuck about the smart guy that they fuckin' need to keep the guns working. Nope, don't give Baird a promotion, let's give it to a thrice-lobotomized steroid-addict jackass that can't even spell his own motherfuckin' name! Sounds like a real party, don't it?" His tone began as strident sarcasm and morphed into pure hatefulness.

Cid didn't speak. His cigarette dangled precariously on the bottom lip of his agape mouth.

Part 3
Baird was lying on the couch, his eyes shut and snores creeping out of his mouth. His armor was absent. A pair of worn brown khaki's and a tattered white shirt were all that covered his scarred musculature.

"AW FUCK! GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' SHIT!"
Baird instantly sat up; his eyes went wide. "Aww crap..." he moaned as he stood up and trudged toward the kitchen.

"Who pissed in your tea this morning?" The engineer sneered towards his look-alike.

Cid was standing painfully at the table. "Stubbed my damn toe.." he grumbled. Quickly, his eyes scanned the scars visible on the body of the engineer. Shit he's torn up... he wasn't braggin' about the shit he's seen. I been through shit too, but at least Vince and Spiky and Barret could help out.. who the fuck did this guy have?

As Baird turned away, Cid began speaking.
"Ya know... we don't just look the same... back where I'm from, we got a fuckin' asshole in charge too. ShinRa.. they got a monopoly on electricity, their own fuckin' army, its like a dictatorship that sells ya shit," a harsh rasp emerged in his voice. "Gets worse too. I was gonna be the first man in space. I helped 'em build the rocket too. The asswipes cut the fuckin' fundin' and used my work ta build missiles." Cid's voice ended in bitter regret.

And Damon felt something he never felt before. An emotion he couldn't identify. Its... like looking into a fuckin' mirror but...

"Ya still there big guy?" Cid asked in a nicotine rasp as he moved closer to his larger clone.

"Yeah... yeah..." Baird replied as he snapped back to reality. "Just... thinking yer right." Why the fuck don't I know this feeling? C'mon smart guy, figure this shit out...

Part 4
"This fuckin' place givin' us shit now?" Cid spat as he pulled himself out of the pile of assorted junk.

"What the fuck are you talking ab..." Damon ceased as he rounded the corner and saw his smaller duplicate standing next to the heap of discarded gizmos.

"This! I open the fuckin' closet and all this goddamn shit falls the fuck on toppa me!"
Damon nodded, "yeah, this place does that sometime. Give the rat a wheel to run on."
"Shit," Cid grumbled. "Say, wanna build somethin'? Pass the time."

Both blonds dived into the pile, smirking with joy. C'mon, gotta be some stuff fer maglev in here... the pilot thought to himself.

Several minutes had past before Cid pulled out a large, slab-like object from the pile.
"Fuckin' A! Electromagnet... now I can have some fuckin' fun. Hey Armor-all, pass a fuckin' wrench."

Baird looked up, a curious expression on his face. "Armor-all? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Its a fuckin' nickname. What, don'tcha have nicknames?"

"Yeah but man... why? Just.. call me Damon, alright?" The larger engineer seemed almost frustrated at the pointlessness of the practice.

Shit... its like he's never had a friend before.. fuck... he hasn't, has he?
Cid moved closer to the larger man before he went back to disassembling components.

Baird looked curiously at the proximity. Hey, personal fuckin' space. Not that I fuckin' mind... just, well, don't people usually keep some fuckin' distance?

"You OK big guy?" Cid asked as he stripped some wires.

"Yeah, just... thinking," that unfamiliar feeling from before resurfaced. He didn't back away from Cid. He liked having someone to watch working, who watched his own work, he respects my brains, I respect his.

"About what? Just tryin' ta, ya know, be nice ta you," the shorter man promptly retorted. Fuck I wanna be. Yer like me but been beaten up so fuckin' much, no wonder yer such an asshole.

Part 5
"So fuckin' confusing..." the monolithic mechanic mumbled to himself as he paced back and forth across the room. This feeling shit... should be fuckin' simple. He looks like me, sounds like me, and his world treated him like shit too. He's like my fuckin' twin...

Not that he ever had any siblings in the first place. He remembered the days he spent alone in his room; fastening the struts together with plastic bolts. Achievements rose from the floor and towards the ceiling. Achievements in Mecanno or Lego... but still.. the waning sunlight flowed through the window like honey and gleamed against the towering structures. He gazed at his own creation and felt warm inside; not caring that he had no friends or siblings to share his achievement with.

Then his father marched in and tore his work apart without any hesitation.
"No son of mine's gonna be some pansy fuckin' builder! Yer gonna be a soldier, hear?" He remembered the bruises on his body after the beatings, the soreness of the loosened teeth in his mouth. He didn't remember any feelings like around Cid.

He remembered Delta Squad. Lets see... Jackass, his bitch, and Big Arms Small Brain... he felt only crippling disdain at the thought of them. There was nothing about them that made him feel the same thing he felt around Cid.

Damon remembered one word that was tossed around a lot. Stupid lie the COG likes to use to keep us all obedient... fuckin' bastards... But maybe the word had some real meaning, in spite of what it was used to justify.

So that's what I'm feeling, huh?

Brotherhood. Kinship.

Cid.... it's like looking in a fuckin' mirror. He ceased his pacing and smirked.

Part 6
Cid Highwind looked down at the small tokens in the corner. They were small gears, gunmetal gray, their lustre muted with a patina of grime and oxidation. They had lay there unnoticed ever since Baird tore them off his own neck; Cid remembered the force with which Damon threw them off.

The pilot squinted through the smoke of his cigarette as he read the inscription on the tags.
Shit, he's only a PFC?

He looked back at the litany of devices he and Baird built before. The guy's smart as me and he's only a PFC? What the fuckin' fuck?

His face twisted into a scowl and he had to resist the urge to spit out his cigarette in disgust.

He walked straight to the door to the room Baird retreated to twenty minutes ago. His knuckles rapped repeatedly on the wood as he rasped, "ya still breathin' Damon?"

"Yeah, c'min if you want," the muffled groan replied.

Cid opened the door and saw Baird lying there on the bed. The grizzled Seran lay there, his forearm resting on his forehead. The room's low light forced Cid to squint to see the full extent of the scarring. Cid winced sympathetically at the contorted network of excavated flesh that left irregular patches of straw body hair juxtaposed against smooth scar tissue. Yet the thick musculature beneath made Cid's blood rush downwards.
"Y'know, Damon.. I got why yer bein' such a prick.. shit, ya got a fuckin' right ta be after what ya went through. I understand."

No one's ever said that before, Baird thought. But something about Cid's words made him remember how people looked at him years ago; their gaze of sorrow merely a mask for their contempt. He scowled back and snapped, "I don't want yer fuckin' pity, Highwind!"

"Fuck!" Cid nearly roared in frustration, "you just don't fuckin' understand! Do ya?!? I ain't pityin' ya, I'm tellin' ya I'd be just as much a fuckin' jackass if I were in yer place! Yer like me fuckin' dammit, and every fuckin' scar on yer hot body coulda been on mine! So I fuckin' wanna show ya some fuckin' friendship, ya buff asshole!"

With that, the pilot pounced on the bed and straddled the engineer. He didn't think about the possibility of startling the Seran as his mouth ground up against Damon's lips; the friction of the taller man's soul patch made Cid growl.

Part 7
As Cid's growl flowed into his mouth, Baird went rigid in the pilot's grasp. Yet feeling Cid's compact, muscled frame grind against his made warmth pool in the pit of his stomach. Other me, he thought, feeling only hotter as he did. The eyes and hair were identical down to the shade. He loosened up, his tongue pressed back into Cid's chapped lips. His rough palms slid up Cid's muscled arms and around his shoulders.

Cid smirked as he felt the hardness in Damon's pants rubbing against his own. He broke the kiss and ground their packages together as he snarled hotly,
"so, wanna fuck around near our gadgets?"

Baird instantly smirked. Fuckin' genius! "Shit yeah! Let's go."

The two blonds stumbled down the corridor; slamming each other into the wall regularly to steal a desperate, ravenous kiss. Baird relished the tannic, smoky sweetness of Cid's mouth, he growled softly with each dip of his tongue into the pilot's maw.

As the two men reached the living room they gazed at their work. A small pile of junk surrounded by miniature maglev devices, firearm accuracy enhancements, small rockets, detonators and even a small robot to find the remote when it went missing. Pride welled up within both of them.

Cid tore off his shirt and threw his arms around Damon again. His tongue traced through the taller man's soul patch before he hungrily rasped, "I wantcha Damon... c'mon Armor-All, I wanna suck ya off.."

"Only if I can do the same..." Baird softly growled back, "you're so fuckin' smart and hot," he paused, "Other Me..."

Cid smirked. He gets it now, he thought, before he grappled at the waistband of Damon's jeans and freed the larger blond's shaft from its confines. The pilot licked his lips at the sight of the thick, veiny shaft rising from the straw hair below.
"Tasty," he growled before he slid down Damon's body and wrapped his tongue around the throbbing flesh.

"Aww fuckin' dammit!" Growled the engineer as he saw the pilot kneel before him and swallow his shaft. His hand dug into Cid's hair as he felt the shorter man's throat constrict around his length. The warmth flowed along his synapses, raced towards his brain and propelled a long moan from his lips.
"Man... fuck... damn it Cid..."

The pilot smirked around his mouthful of cock, only intensifying his efforts. His fingers dug into the former Seran's thick thighs and he growled as his tongue assaulted the spot just beneath the crown of Damon's manhood. Bet yer cum tastes just like mine too.

The monolithic engineer felt energy pool in his stomach as Cid's mouth attacked his shaft.
"Shit, Other Me, yer fuckin' good at this.." he gasped as he looked at the equally blond hair his right hand was entangled in. He raised his left hand and rolled his hard nipple between his fingers; he gripped the firm skin gently and tugged slowly. He clenched his jaw as he felt his precum begin to emerge.

Yep, just like mine, the shorter man thought to himself as he kept vigorously devouring his larger clone's shaft. He knew Damon couldn't hold off much longer; I'm gonna make ya scream my fuckin' name big guy.

"Fuckin' shit!" the built engineer growled as he furrowed his brow. He ground his teeth together; he grunted and hissed as he felt that mouth move along his length.
"I'm gonna shoot soon man... shit.." The pressure then spiked in his balls; a surge of pleasure raced up his spine as the rush of orgasm tore roars from his lungs.
"Fuck! Other Me!"

Close enough, the pilot thought as he swallowed every drop without even the slightest hesitation. He slid off Baird's cock and rose back to his feet; a mischievous and proud smirk was on his face.
"Didja like that Armor-All?" He asked, knowing the answer already.

Baird simply smirked back and dropped to his own knees; his teeth yanked down the waistband of Cid's blue trousers and freed the pilot's length. His gaze wandered over the impressive shaft. Same size as mine, he thought gleefully before his tongue approached the small drop of precum beading at the head of Cid's manhood.

"God fuckin' dammit!" the shorter man spat as he felt the tip of Damon's tongue feather the sensitive spot beneath the head.
"Shit Armor-All, don't fuckin' tease me...AARGHFUCKINGDAMMIT!" He suddenly yelled as he felt the soft flesh slither down his iron shaft. The steamy heat of Baird's mouth suddenly surrounded his manhood; his hand instantly slid behind the taller man's head as he tilted his own head back and snarled.

The engineer only increased his effort; his head bobbed back and forth as his tongue twisted around the rock-hard length in his mouth. His rough hands clamped down on the shorter man's thick thighs. Alright Other Me, I'm gonna give you the biggest fucking orgasm you ever fucking had. He then slid the throbbing shaft out of his mouth and curled his bottom lip inwards; the coarse hair of his soul patch was aimed right where Cid's cock would slide back inside.

The pilot almost yelled as he felt the rough whiskers nearly grate against the underside of his length. He looked down and watched the very head of his manhood sliding through the straw bristles beneath Damon's lip. His breaths became more ragged, less steady as the rough texture sent shockwaves through his skin.
"Fuck! Motherfuckin' genius..." the pilot growled. He grunted again as he saw the throbbing head of his dick slide between Baird's lips and move in and out of the Seran's mouth; the rapid change between the rough soul patch and the soft warmth wrenched another string of curses from him.

Baird smirked as he felt the hand on the back of his head draw him further down onto the shaft; he swallowed the thickness one final time and furiously attacked it. He trapped it in his tight throat as his tongue coiled and twisted around the base of the shaft. He heard his smaller double grunt and hiss and felt Cid's hand grip the back of his skull urgently, nope, I'm gonna make you cum man, don't try to fuckin' stop me.

"AWGRH MOTHERFUCKIN' SHIT!" cried Cid as he felt the muscles within his loins tighten quickly; the knot in his gut suddenly snapped and his essence shot forth into the Seran's grizzled mouth. His urgent panting slowly began to subside as he saw his larger double rise; stray drops of sweat peppered Baird's torso. Cid noticed a lone drop of his seed clung to Baird's soul patch.
"Fuck man... ya know how ta suck cock..." he said as he regained his breath.

Damon simply grinned smugly. "I know what I'd like," he replied as his tongue left his mouth and scooped the remaining droplet out of his soul patch.

"Ya guessed right," Cid smirked back. "Say... wanna build some more stuff?"

"Can't think of anything else I'd rather fuckin' do," Baird replied, the weakest traces of a genuine smile beginning to cross his lips.

The End