Straight

"Noish?"

"Yeah, Alec?"

"Why's your hand under my shirt?" Alec was straight. Very heterosexual, loved the ladies. He just hadn't been out on a date ever since Sylvia dumped him for that Levin guy.

"Come on, man. We're two swinging bachelors all alone on a Friday night with nothing to do!" Noish was also straight, and normally a lot more straitlaced than Alec. Not stick-up-the-butt serious, but normally not into random wild experiments.

Of course, when he was drunk it was a different story.

"So why don't we go out and try to get girls?" Alec asked. Noish snickered.

"You livin' in a bubble, man? People're always saying we're gay cause we're Those Two Guys and don't have any girlfriends...let's give 'em some damn fodder for the rumors," he said.

"Only one person ever said that stuff, man, remember? And y'know how Arden is, ever since we all got here all he's done is be a smartass but we always know he's just kidding," Alec laughed. "Seriously, let's meet some chicks!"

"No way, we're drunk! No chick's gonna wanna do it with a drunk guy!" Noish protested. "C'mon, man, it's not like we're gonna be husband and husband if we mess around just this once...everyone experiments in college!"

"Think we could start off with some nice pot first? I hear it makes music videos look cool," Alec said.

"But drugs're bad! Didn't you pay any attention to South Park? If ya smoke pot, you'll like...get a giant head and float off into space!"

"Oh yeah! That was a classic, man, and then the little kid had to run away before he got his thing cut off and it turned out he was Canadian!"

"Man, I need another beer." Noish reached over the side of the futon and reached for the case, but being drunk does stuff to your coordination so he fell over. On top of Alec. If someone had walked in at the moment they might have snapped a picture, scanned it, and made it into a macro declaring "Sixty nine: You're Doing It Wrong". Cause it totally looked like that.

"Uh, dude. Get your butt off my head," Alec laughed. "If you wanted my dick in there it's down lower."

"Haha! See, you're totally getting into it now," Noish cackled.

"Am not! I was like. Making fun of you for wanting to have the buttsex."

"Suuuure ya were."

"Just get your butt off my head before I kick you off and make you crash into the wall."

"You're no fun."

Silence.

"So," Alec said, "everyone experiments in college, right? Like, if we did stuff it totally wouldn't be gay."

"It's only gay if the balls touch," Noish said. "So keep your balls outta the way and we're still straight."

That was enough to convince Alec, who pounced in a manly way on his equally manly friend. Clothes were torn off and strewn about the already messy dorm as they made out and jerked each other off.

"Hey, watch it, your knee's in my gut!"

"Sorry, man. So uh..." Noish bit his nail. "Who gets to be on top? Cause the one on the bottom's like the woman."

"But I dun wanna be the woman," Alec groaned. "You be the woman."

"Aww, but I dun wanna be the woman either! Can't we just both be the man?"

"I dunno, I never read that...uh, whatsitsface, Karma Soupfloor," Alec slurred. "Maybe we can take turns?"

"Kay. Wait, you got any lube? I think we're supposed to use lube," Noish said. Alec fumbled around for the jar of Vaseline he used to polish his moped helmet with.

"This'll work."

"All right..."

And there was more fumbling and arguments over who was Doing It Wrong before they were officially having sex.

"Hey," Alec laughed, flexing his hips, "this aint too bad."

"Shut up and do me, jerkass."

And so they had hot mansex all night until they passed out from exhaustion and drunken-ness.