The craziest Wild ARMS 2 fanfic ever!

All right people. I wrote this fic several years ago and only now I decided to take it to digital format. I'm more of an artist than of a writer.

WARNING: Contains yaoi (and maybe hentai in latter chapters), and above all, utter randomness.

Just in case,
- Blah blah = actual talk
- (Blah blah) = thinking
" Blah Blah " = communicator transmission.

Well, without further ado, enjoy the fic!

The craziest Wild ARMS 2 fanfic ever! - Episode 1 - Quartly
By Marisú Nea Darkness/Zephyr of Darkness

The final traces of the dusky colors had finally vanished from the sky. Everything was silent and peaceful as night slowly engulfed the sky over Big Valley. People were returning to their homes quietly. Everything felt quiet... except for the inn, where a cowboy-like clad man was hurling a communicator against every hard surface available in his room.

-Well, he is the "Blaze of Disaster"- thought Lilka and Tim as huge sweatdrops run down their temples.

-You'd better calm down, Ashley.- said Brad while resting one of his giant hands on Ashley's shoulder- It might be tough, but it can break, you know.

Ashley turned around and gave him a fuming look. -Yeah, right. Do you remember when you tried to stop the terrorist message at the Telepath Tower? Not even with those Kick Boots of yours you can break it.- he turned around again to hurl the communicator against the chimney- I might as well have broken the piece I gave to Marina. I hate it! You know what she told me last time? "I concentrated on the Empathite... and could feel you were enduring a terrible effort". Hmph... I had to lie telling her I was fighting... I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was actually in the bathroom.

Tim turned around, his face crimson. Lilka covered her mouth with her hand, muffling her giggles. Even Brad, with his eternally stern face, smirked and let out a couple of chuckles.

-Don't laugh, darnit! You think it's funny?!

Brad scratched his right temple. - Well, I told you about those Peppy Acorns... they really play hell with your digestion. No wonder the people of Wild Arms 1 didn't use them. - he turned to Lilka. - But now you have that new spell, so you can cast it on us. We'll save a lot of money with it.

Lilka raised an eyebrow. - Yeah, right. Saw the prices in this town? Only that Shield Cape for me costs 3,500 gella. How many times will I have to cast Restore in order to save enough money from the Peppy Acorns to buy just one protection? (And it's not like it's pretty or anything, anyway) Light grey doesn't suit me.

- (If a clown can't use it, then nor Lilka can) - thought Tim.

Brad shrugged. - Well, but with one Peppy Acorn we save enough for two bullets, with which we can kill two groups of monsters and get a lot more money.

Lilka shivered as Ashley hurled the communicator a few inches over her head. It got inside a potted plant, highly over their reach.

- Wait up - said Brad. He delivered a mighty kick to the wall, which made all the inn and almost all the town of Quartly tremble. Due to the mighty blow, the communicator fell off the plant, Big Valley became wider due to huge earthslides that fell into the fissure, and Quartly ended up stabilized precariously over only one structure, that prevented it from falling into the fissure. The other three structures disappeared into the darkness of the valley.

Ash beamed. - Thanks so much, Brad! You really are a big help!!

Lilka continued. - So, maybe we should replan our strategy, then, Brad. I kill the monsters with my magic, heal the party, cure all status abnormalities, add protections, use Mystic and Combine, and Tim uses Odoryuk for digging for Peppy Acorns. You two just rest on the back, petting.

- What are you saying, Lilka?! A hero surely won't do that! I can help you with my fists! I kill the monsters with my fists and you do that! - he grinned - And I can use some bombs as well. I don't have to pay for them and they never run out.

Lilka closed her eyes. - I would have never thought the hero of Slayheim was such a tightwad!!

- ATTENTION, EVERYONE! I'm contacting the Valeria Chateau now!! It seems the earthquake Brad caused was useful to make the communicator work!

- Why "attention" if the only one who ever talks is Ashley? - whispered Lilka. Tim shrugged.

"Ashley, the leader of ARMS (and the only one who uses the darn communicator) here."

"Hello Ashley - Irving's voice sounded amused - Is Mr. Hero near you?"

Brad bit his lower lip. - I'm here.

"You know, last night we had a huge party here in the Chateau. There were lots of good food, music, dance, shows, singers, and we made a pool of champagne in the sector off limits. You couldn't come... Where were you? Oh, walking on the desert trying to find Quartly, right? Oh, but you're way more important, you are "heroes" who are fighting to save our world from destruction. You don't need parties - huge sweatdrops were falling from all the members' temples - Well, I'll get to the point. I found the nurses completely drunk playing with the detonator of Gias... so after I went to sleep, I wanted to know if you were okay, Brad."

Brad had an expression as if he would have been reached by a shower of nails on the back. Ashley took over. "He... is fine, Irving."

"Good. I'm glad. It would have been tragic if he were to die like that... But remember, Brad, your life is on MY hands. Anytime, anywhere, your neck might blow... never forget. " - behind Irving's voice, Amy's one could be heard singing: "Yeah!!! BOOM! PAH! BANG!! KABOOM!! WAHOO!!"


Brad's dark skin looked very pale at that moment. - Hey Brad - Tim fanned him with a magazine.

Ashley cringed. "So... about our next mission..."

"Oh, we're cleaning up the Chateau after the party, so no missions for a while. Wait at Quartly for further instructions."

"............understood. Over and out."

Ashley sighed and threw the communicator aside.

- Well, we might as well go help that exorcist we met earlier...

- Yes - said Brad. To get to Slayheim Castle, we must cross the desolate salt flats. The salt flats are haunted by ghosts. Don't let them lead you astray!.

The other three nodded, and then Ashley smirked.

- So, we're staying again at a room with three beds while we're four...

- Yeah - said Lilka - It seems the artists forgot that in the second part, we're not three people anymore. So... how're we gonna distribute them?

Ashley and Brad looked at each other and snickered.

- As usual.

Lilka sighed. - I knew that was coming... - she swallowed saliva, joining courage for what she was about to say - Ashley... - she blushed - Um... what... about... just once... share the bed with... - she was almost out of voice - ............with me....?

Ashley looked tenderly at her and placed his hands over her shoulders. - You know I can't do that. You're way too young... Maybe, when you're a little older. - he turned his back to her. - "And when you have more of a woman's body, too" - he thought.

Lilka looked mildly disappointed. Brad was bringing a huge wooden curtain into the room. He placed it all around the furthests bed from the entrance of the room. - Don't complain... At least we don't get shot by those nutty nurses - a cold finger run down his spine.

- Good night, kids - Ashley went near Tim's bed and kissed him on the cheek. For some reason, Tim looked just too innocent to be given a hot French kiss.

- Good night, Ashley - Tim leisurely covered his mouth with the blanket.

Ashley turned and walked towards Lilka.

- Good night, Ashley - she approached Ashley's face to give him a kiss. When Ashley was distracted enough, she placed a quivering hand between his legs. Ashley shuddered and moved away.

- Please, no, Lilka - he sneered - I know you want it, but remember, chaste maidens are the ones who have more magical powers. We need your strength until we beat Odessa, so don't be tempted.

Lilka pouted - Damn Terry, why did he need to tell'em that? - she thought. She looked at Ashley - Oh, all right. Sweet dreams to you (I guess you won't sleep tonight but I say it anyway).

Brad was looking at them partially covered with the wooden curtain - Good night everyone. - He was a tough guy, so he wouldn't be around kissing little kids. Little kids didn't turn him on.

Ashley went to him. Now both were invisible to the other two, their intimacy protected by the thick curtain. They both smirked when their looks met. Ashley's smirk turned into a beaming smile. Brad approached him and whispered in his ear - Let's go.


Lilka sighed as she heard the muffled sound of their comrades' activity behind the curtain. She sighed again and got out of the bed. She sneered and retrieved something she had "borrowed" (actually, stolen) from the Valeria Chateau. Who cared, they had so much money, they wouldn't notice anyway. If someone would have been to blame, it might as well be those two of Odessa that had invaded the Chateau. Lilka grinned; those terrorists sure were useful!

She tiptoed silently and carefully towards the bed that was bustling with activity. Carefully, she slid the VCR between the folds of the curtain. She gasped silently; no matter how many times she saw them at it, she would always be surprised. Ashley was getting away from Brad while wiping his mouth with his hand; Brad was sitting up, his body gleaming faintly as if it was wet. Then Brad positioned in all fours behing Ashley and started penetrating him. Ashley muffled his moans by biting his lower lip, feeling dizzy by the sensations that Brad's doing were causing him. Lilka was absolutely mesmerized by the scene. Why, she had seen many, may monsters from every side of the world, but none of them was as fierce as Brad at that moment. And he usually acted so quiet! He was rubbing Ashley's penis with one hand, grabbing his hips with the other, and thrusting inside him like a sex-starved stallion, his long hair waving wildly in the air. Soon Ashley came on Brad's hand, and Brad looked like he had reached orgasm as well.

Lilka swallowed saliva, almost trembling.

- What the hell are you doing?!! - someone whispered in her ear.

Lilka felt her heart stopping as well as her life span shortening about twenty years. She turned around rapidly to see Tim looking at her, perplexed. She blushed deep crimson.

- You mean you have been recording them while they were making love?! - he whispered, goggle-eyed.

Lilka felt sort of relieved that the one who discovered her was Tim. She grinned sheepishly.

- Well, uh... Ya see, it's sorta... educational.

- Educational?! - Tim frowned.

- Yeah... Ya know, I know I won't get Ashley, and the only one I might have some chance with is that stupid, conceited, dwarfish classmate of mine.... so I guess I'll need these videos - she looked at Tim's still perplexed face - Oh, I guess you don't understand... do you? Well, some day you will.


Ashley was resting, satisfied, in Brad's arms.

- I'd like some icecream.

Brad raised an eyebrow. - In our long journey I only saw one food shop. Strange, isn't it?

Ashley sighed. - Can't always live off Peppy Acorns.

Brad sighed as well. - Not even in Archheim there were. - he thought for a while. - Maybe we can take some Sielje region's ice and put some Peppy Acorns on it. That'd make some fine Red Pepper Ice... Hmph, if Suikoden 2 has it, why not us? - he sighed again - I wish I was in Suikoden 2... or that Hai Yo or Gremio were here. - he looked at Ashley - Maybe it's a good thing if Odessa did destroy the world.

- Hey, don't be so blunt - snapped Ashley - But we might as well put some Gias on their necks and make'em work as cooks.

The thought of the Gias made Brad shiver.

- The only good thing about having Marina as a girlfriend is that I can eat all the bakery stuff I want for free. Except those Jelly Rolls, that is. Those ones are for Lilka. Only a glutton like her could like those.
Brad chuckled - You're Marina's mate but you bed me.

Ashley shrugged - Well, I guess the writers wouldn't like a MC that's gay. - he sighed, disgusted. - At least they could have made a more spicy woman for me. You know, long erotic hair, high heels, fiery lipstick in hot lips, and always wearing a little dress with big cleavage and a really short skirt. But, NOO, I get a little girl who doesn't even look like she's hit puberty, wearing a poncho she inherited from Jack and an extra long skirt with black socks. What jerk do they think I am?

Brad laughed softly. - At least I got the long, erotic hair. - Ashley grinned. Brad making jokes? Whatever.
Brad's expression became more serious. - I know what you mean. Since we were in the army, everybody thought we were having women every night by dozens. But I... - he smirked - ...preferred to play around with Billy...

- Why, the guy in the wheelchair?

Brad nodded. - Maybe you can't guess now, but he was quite some man back then. I remember we'd come back from a battle, lock ourselves in a poorly illuminated room and undress each other. Then we'd massage each other slowly and head to the bathtub... - he bit his lower lip.

Ashley was listening with a half sweet, half mischievous smile. - The Liberation War was long. So, I bet you had time to do all sorts of stuff.

Brad felt some cold sweat run down his forehead. Why, the kid wouldn't notice, so why worry? - Yes...


Lilka looked at Tim. Why, the little, only twelve years old brat already had a girlfriend. The writers sure had been unfair. Then, behind him, she could see Pooka peering over his shoulder. A crazed gleam shone in her eyes.

- Forget it - snapped Pooka - I can only copy the Guardians' forms and abilities. You'll never make me copy Ashley, no ma'am.

Lilka raised an eyebrow while pouting. - (Hmph. If I was the Pillar, I bet I'd make it do whatever I said. I'm sure that if Tim wanted it to turn into some girl, it'd obey him).

- Tim has a girlfriend. He'd never ask Pooka that.

Lilka got startled. - Wha, d'ya read minds?!

- No, it's just that your thoughts are easy to guess.


The next morning found Tim resting near the salt flats exit of Quartly, humming a simple, childish tune.

- This is the sooooooooong of "Nothingness", it dwells in the swoooooooord to become power, it swells in the soooooooooooul to defeat the enemy. This is the sooooooooong of "Saint", it dwells in the swoooooooord to become power, it swells in the soooooooooooul to defeat the enemy. This is the song of "Illusion", it dwells.....

Pooka was near him. After half an hour hearing that song, he thought he was lucky to be a sub-spirit... otherwise, some things would really be swelling in him. Things that weren't exactly Illusion, Saint or Nothingness. But it could be some "Fire".

- Say, where did you learn that? - he asked. Tim turned around.

- Oh, I found it in the library at Sielje. It was in a book written by someone named "Dream Chaser". - Pooka looked slightly embarrassed. Tim blushed. - Yeah, I think it's a silly name too. But the song is nice. Don't you agree?

Pooka hesitated for a moment. - I guess so.

Tim grinned. - I knew it. It's so cool! This is the song of "Wind", it dwells in the swoooooooord.......

- Er, shouldn't we fetch the others? - Pooka asked. He was seriously thinking about quitting its job. It wondered if its life would have been more comfortable if Colette would have been chosen as the Pillar; at least she had the habit of talking inside for hours; if she liked that song, she'd probably hesitate for hours before even attempting a little humming.

That moment, Ashley and Brad got out of the ARMs shop, and Lilka out of the armor store.

- Ready to rumble! - yelled Ashley.

- Wow, Ashley, your ARM is so big.... - moaned Lilka, half to herself, half to nobody in particular.

Brad smirked. - (Mine is even bigger).

Tim looked down. - (Mine is big, but very thin......)

- It is, isn't it? And it hits the right spot 81% of the time.

-(Heh.) - Brad smirked again - (Mine does all the time, if I give it a bit of FPs)

-Brad, here. - Lilka took out from a bag a big, brand new Ferdinand vest - Don't worry, I'm paying this with my own money - she raised an eyebrow - It's time for you to change and throw away that old, rusty Metal Plate I got you at Sielje....

- Why, thank you. But I actually needed new gloves more... - Brad mumbled while Lilka shoved the new war clothing into his arms.

- Why do you always buy armor just for Brad? I still have the same Flak Jacket you got me at Damzen.... - moaned Ashley.

- (Right.... Jackets, jackets, jackets....Jean jacket, Flak jacket, Ti jacket.... who cares. Not even one of them ever...) - Lilka's thoughts were interrupted as the sight of Brad's tanned, muscular naked torso got in full display before her. She smirked - (...was such a good buy as Brad's vests).

Brad buckled up his new vest, and then smiled at Lilka. - Thank you. It's a perfect fit!

Lilka grinned back. - You're welcome. (I should be the one thanking you). Then a light turned on over her head. - Hey Ashley - she took the Metal Plate from Brad's hands and presented it to Ashley. - Try it on, maybe it fits.

Ashley flinched. - There is no way that could fit! Can't you tell how much bigger than my clothing is?!

Lilka kept a sweet smile. - You'll never know until you try.

Ashley shook his head. - Not only it's not my size... can't you see the label? It says, "protective gear for Prisoner 666"

- Oh well. Fine. - she stored the Metal Plate away. - (And the Flak Jacket 'is the only bought armor you're getting until the end of the game).

- Okay, if everything is ready - Ashley raised a fist - To the Salt Flats!


To the salt flats! *cough* If you were wondering why I made Brad a cheapass, it's because of what he says in the intro, "This is no time to get stingy with the ammunition". All right, maybe it was just a saying in the spur of the moment, but I took it literally. I'm stalking every one of your moves, Mr. Hero of Slayheim, so watch out for me!
Heh heh. Until next chapter!