MST3K: Link and Saria: Foreset Passion by Jedi 007
folder
Zelda › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
3,694
Reviews:
13
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Zelda › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
3,694
Reviews:
13
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own The Legend of Zelda game series, nor any of the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
MST3K: Link and Saria: Foreset Passion by Jedi 007
Author’s Note: This original work contains a story written by someone else. “Link and Saria: Forest Passion” was written by Jedi 007 back in 2000. This fic was chosen for my purpose for two reasons, because it is old and because it is short. I am not saying that the fic is badly written or that the author sucks. I just wanted something to poke fun at. This work has been used with expressed permission from the author!
“Link and Saria: Forest Passion” by Jedi 007 is rated NC-17 for mild language and sexual situations. This entire fic is rated Mature.
Since I was unable to preserve my italics on the AFF.net version, please note that any text you see without a tag in front -- the name indicating who is speaking -- is the original text from the fiction I have torn up.
Enjoy!
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Kriz: Kriz10 here with a new spin on an old idea. I remember long ago, when I was just a babe and radio was just becoming popular, I’d read several MST3K-themed fics. They were hi-LAR-ious. Therefore, I have attempted to duplicate that genius myself!
Dark: Yes, and we are her unfortunate pawns.
Zelda: Could we loosen these ropes a bit? My ankles are chafing…
Link: No no, leave them on. Save them for later...
Kriz: Yes, my three little pets, the Hero of Things, the overly apologetic Princess, and the punked-out Dark Link. I own none of them; Nintendo does. I’m just borrowing them for fun purposes.
Link and Saria: Forest Passion
By Jedi 007
Zelda: Shh, it’s starting!
Dark: Jedi 007? Is that like James Bond with a lightsaber?
Kriz: No. Yoda in a tuxedo.
Link woke up and got out of his bed.
Link: Good morniiiiing!
He looked outside. Kokiri Forest looked very beautiful and he knew that it was going to be a
gorgeous day.
Dark: Yes, until Death Mountain unleashes its fury on the forest, reducing it to a pile of ashes.
Zelda: You do have fire insurance on your log, right?
Link: The plan only covers fungus rot and termites…
After brushing his boyish blonde hair, he strapped on his Kokiri boots and prepared to leave
his home.
Link: Mission Control, we are ready for countdown.
But he stopped when he saw a white piece of paper on the floor. It hadn't been there when
he went to sleep and Link won- dered what it was.
Kriz: I won- der why “wondered” is a compound word.
Dark: Bond is playing a Jedi mind-trick. Speaking like a robot or something.
He picked it up and read what was on it.
It said, " Link: Meet me at Hyrule Castle at sunset. I want to watch the sun go down with
you...and maybe after that we could go to the Sacred Forest Meadow...we'd be alone... "
-Saria
Zelda: “I’ll bring the cheap forest beer, you bring the Trojans.”
Dark: No I’m pretty sure they’re planning on moving that body they buried behind her house.
Link: Yeah it was starting to smell…
Link smiled widely. He loved Saria very much and he knew that she loved him as well. Link
thought about Saria's beauty for a few minutes. Her smooth, silky skin, her bright green
hair, her adorable boots...
Kriz: Link also has 12/20 vision.
Zelda: He actually just described a healthy plant growing in his yard.
Yes, Link was certainly overwhelmed by her.
Kriz: Overwhelmed like a kid with its head in a plastic bag.
He then left his house and climbed down his ladder. He skipped to Saria's house and saw her
outside, clearing rocks.
Link: Mido has her working on the chain gang too.
She noticed him and looked into his blue eyes. Then she winked and giggled gleefully. Link's
cheeks turned bright red and he slowly walked away.
Link: She gives me a rash.
Zelda: So that’s where I got that rash…
Dark: OH GODDESSES T-M-I.
Then Link decided that since it was such a nice day, he would leave the forest and enjoy the
beauty until his date at sunset.
Link stepped into Hyrule Field. It was so beautiful. The sky was bright blue, birds were
chirping, and the sun shimmered down over the trees.
Kriz: Shimmered or simmered?
Dark: Searing them until they resembled used matches…
Link: Dude, you have a destruction complex.
Link walked around the whole field many times. Then he found a gossip stone and checked
the time. Three hours until his date with Saria. He had seen the sunset at the castle before,
and thought it was breathtaking.
Zelda: He suffocated during the show.
Dark: Keep those plastic bags away from him…
He then walked to a tree near Lon Lon Ranch and slumped down against it. He took out his
ocarina and started to play various tunes. After a few minutes, Malon ran out of the ranch
and approach- ed Link.
Kriz: ERRANT HYPHON TIME.
" Hi, Link! I thought I heard your ocarina! How are you doing? " Malon chirped.
Dark: Malon is the long-lost cousin of Big Bird.
Link sighed and replied, "Hi, Malon. I'm okay. " Then Malon asked Link to go to the ranch.
Link protested, but she said it would only be for a few minutes. Link reluctantly agreed. He
didn't really want to, but Malon was so cheerful and nice. He couldn't say no.
Zelda: Pussy.
Kriz: Pushover.
Dark: Whipped.
Malon took him inside her house. There were Cuccos everywhere. " Try and find the magic
ones, Link! " Malon giggled. She tossed them about and Link laughed. Then the two of them
ran among the Cuccos giggling and having lots of fun. So much fun that Link started to lose
track of the time...
Dark: Didn’t realize this was a beastiality fic.
Link: Yeah Malon is all kinky like that.
Zelda: “Magic” cuccos? Sounds like a new cereal.
Saria skipped all the way to Hyrule Castle.
Kriz: Like an old CD.
She was so happy. She couldn't wait to watch the sun go down with the boy she loved. She
had even polished her fairy ocarina and planned for her and Link to play together.
Dark: … This one time, at band camp…
She got to the market and walked past the happy, laughing faces of the townspeople. She
got to the castle grounds and looked at a vine among the wall.
Kriz: That phrase just made my brain melt.
Link had told her about it and how he had used it before.
Dark: “Make sure it’s nice and slippery, then push it in reaaaal slow…”
Zelda: Ew.
She climbed up and waited for Link. One minute passed by. Then two. Three. Four. Five.
The sun was starting to lower. " Link, where are you? " Saria whispered.
Malon took Link outside into the main ranch pasture.
Kriz: “Was it good for you?”
She showed him all the animals and told him many interesting things about them. Link was
enjoying himself very much. He had completely forgotten about his date.
The sun was almost down. Saria watched as it slowly disappeared. And when it finally did, a
tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her ocarina onto the castle ground below. It broke
in two and Saria climbed down the vine. She then left the castle, leaving her ruined
instrument behind.
Zelda: Hey litterbug! That’s private property!
Saria sadly walked down Hyrule Field, planning to return to the forest and go to bed. But
then she heard something. It sounded like a laugh. A laugh coming from Lon Lon Ranch. And
not just any laugh...LINK'S LAUGH!
Dark: Uh oh.
Link: Catfight!
She ran inside the gates, and desperately started to look for her friend. Then she turne
towards the main pasture and saw it. Link and Malon. Holding hands and laughing together.
Kriz: To little kids, that’s almost like sex.
A feminine gasp escaped Saria's lips.
Zelda: She normally gasps like a man.
Link heard it and looked. He saw Saria's stunned face and remembered his date. " No! " he
cried out.
Dark: But she came at him with the chainsaw anyway. Vengeful bitch.
Saria took off, running out of the ranch. Link shoved Malon aside and ran after her, calling
her name.
Kriz: Ooo I sense some hatred for Malon by the author. Why do most authors HATE Malon? I don’t mind her.
Zelda: She’s like the redheaded stepchild.
Link: I think it’s because if you do that last racing mini-game at the ranch where you have to beat the course in, like, a minute – WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE – she gives you a freaking COW, that crazy bitch. And she leaves it in my HOUSE. I was holding out for a piece of heart!
Kriz: Oh God I remember that. I must join this Malon-hating club.
Link looked for hours. He couldn't find Saria anywhere. He had almost given up. He decided
to look in Death Mountain. But if she wasn't there, he would return home. He felt horrible
for what he did. But whatever came of the situation, one thing was for sure. He would
NEVER speak to Malon again.
Zelda: Yes because it is COMPLETELY her fault that you screwed Saria over.
Kriz: I’m sure there’s some literary rule against starting sentences with “but”… It just doesn’t feel right.
Dark: Like buttsex doesn’t feel right.
Link: Oh no that just means you’re doing it wrong.
He ran up the mountain, searching. But he couldn't find her. He tried playing Saria's Song on
his ocarina, but there was no response.
Kriz: “Saria isn’t home right now, please leave a message.”
He went to the part of the mountain where Goron City was and collapsed on his knees. He
screamed Saria's name. So loud that all of Hyrule probably heard.
Zelda: Damn, she’s that good in bed?
Dark: I’m going to take that fragment and stab you in the eye with it.
Just then, a goron rolled by. Link stopped it with a bomb and quickly asked it if it had seen
Saria.
Link: “Um, sorry I just blew you to bits, have you seen my friend?”
It said that it saw a girl with green hair at the mountain's very top a few seconds ago. Link
thanked it and scurried up to the top as fast as he could.
Saria stood at the mountain top's edge. She looked down. It was a several thousand feet
drop. She closed her eyes and prepared to relieve her pain.
Kriz: Are you KIDDING ME!? She’s going to commit suicide because she found him HOLDING HANDS with MALON?
Zelda: Honey there are other guys out there…
Dark: Maybe she’s leaning how to fly.
But just as she got in a jump- ing position, Link appeared next to her.
Dark: …and scared the crap out of her, causing her to fall in anyway.
He gasped, " Saria! I've been looking everywhere for you. I heard you were at the top and I
came as quick as possible! Can we talk? " Saria said nothing. She just looked at Link for
several seconds and then turned back towards the edge.
Kriz: Bleh, you’re boring. My looming death is far more entertaining than your pathetic words…
Link said calmly, " Saria, listen. Malon just asked me over to the ranch for a little and I lost
track of time. I know what I did was wrong, but she doesn't mean anything to me! I only
went so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings!
Zelda: Yeah if I’d said no then I wouldn’t get invited to her killer parties when we’re older.
“You're the only girl I want in my life, Saria. Please. Come with me." Saria said softly, "
You...you...mean it? " Link nodded. Saria walked over to him, looked into his eyes, and
thrust her lips onto his.
Dark: “I’m still jumping, but I’m taking you with me now!”
The kiss lasted an hour long.
Link: OH GODDESSES, CAN’T BREATHE.
Zelda: Laugh! That’s a joke. You can’t last more than three minutes at anything…
Kriz: Burn!
The night wind blowing through the two's hair.
Dark: Now armed with two fragments, I will stab both your eyes!
And when it ended, Saria opened her mouth and said, " Link...let's go to the Sacred Fores
Meadow. Th...There's something we need to do. "
Link: Goddesses, we’ve been kissing for an hour and now your breath must STINK! Close your horrible maw, close it!!
Link smiled and held her hand. Then they both turned and started to walk down the
mountain.
Dark: His eyes watering from the stench.
Saria and Link arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow. Link turned towards his beautiful mate
and said, "Well, here we are." Saria smiled and said back, "We sure are, Link." Then she
laughed and ran to a tree stump.
Kriz: Well. Here we are guys. Right here in our seats.
Dark: We sure are. Tee hee!... I would happily run away if I weren’t still tied to my chair.
Kriz: Hush, you.
She sat on it and Link followed. Just as he sat next to her, Saria said, "Isn't the Sacred
Forest Meadow wonderful at night? It's so peaceful, so soothing, so...romantic."
Zelda: The mating call of the Kokiri.
Link shyly grinned and said, "I know what you mean." Then he closed his eyes and moved in
slowly for a kiss. But he didn't have to get all the way to Saria's face. She flew forward and
gave him a nice, sweet kiss on the lips before he even came close.
Dark: She shot up like a diver on a springboard.
Link: “D-Did you.. get the number… on that truck?... Woo…”
Then Saria said softly, "Link..." Link, who was overflowing with joy, replied, "Yeah?"
Kriz: “Overflowing with joy”? Already? God, she hasn’t even touched him yet.
Zelda: Told you! He’s a minute-man.
Link: Hey!!
And then Saria gave him a playful shove off the stump. Link landed in a nice patch of grass
and listened to Saria giggle with glee. "God, she's cute," Link thought.
Dark: “I love it when she inflicts bodily harm on me.”
Saria hopped off the stump and crawled on top of Link. Both of them said nothing as they
stared with love into each other's eyes.
Zelda: Gosh, she forgives quickly.
Kriz: I guess shoving him off the stump was her payback for making her want to jump off a mountainside.
Saria reached down slowly and unbuckled her belt. After that, she started to slip off her
clothes. Link knew what was about to happen and he was pretty happy about it.
Link: Proving once and for all that I am straight.
He then slowly took off his Kokiri tunic. In a few seconds, both were without clothes on.
Together, they rolled around over the flowers and grass.
Zelda: “Eww I got moss in my butt!”
Link: “That’s not all you’re going to get in there…”
Specks of light floated around the pair.
Dark: Link you should really get your eyes checked.
They kissed repeatedly, each one being so joyous and magical. Then they stopped. Saria got
in a position and lifted up.
Kriz: Mission Control, we are ready for takeoff, awaiting your orders.
Link adjusted himself and went forward. Then, let's just say that he...dove in.
Dark: Sploosh!
Link was shaking so hard with happiness that he thought he would explode.
Kriz: ALREADY!?
Zelda: Too easy…
Link: Shut up.
In fact, he was so engrossed in the magical moment, that he forgot to use a condom...
Dark: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn.
It was a week later. Link had asked Saria to join him for dinner and she accepted.
Kriz: No no no. Saria, you’re supposed to put out AFTER the expensive dinner. Gawd.
It was a picnic on Hyrule Field. The sun was setting as the two ate and enjoyed each other's
company. Every few seconds, one of the two blew a kiss to the other. Their meal consisted
of fresh fish and milk.
Zelda: Ah yes, fish and milk. They’d have to get the milk from Malon, wouldn’t they?
Link: ITS POISON DON’T DRINK IT.
Link asked the fabulous Saria,
Kriz: Saria the Great, conqueror of lands!
"Are you enjoying the food? I caught the fish myself and I got the milk from Lon Lon
Ranch." Saria frowned and said, "I suppose you got the milk from Malon, huh?" Link grinned
and said, "Nope! I specifically avoided Malon and got the milk from her dad! I wouldn't of
gone to the ranch at all, but they do have the best milk in Hyrule. And I want only the best
for you, my sweet."
Dark: And what makes him think that her father wouldn’t poison him?
Saria's frown turned into an instant ear to ear smile.
Link: FREAK!
Zelda: SHE’S A WITCH.
Link then said, "You look outstanding tonight." And she did. Her green hair blowing in the
breeze, her twinkling eyes, her incredible outfit, and to top it off, her silky smooth skin.
Dark: So she’s… wearing her skin… over her outfit?
Kriz: Oh my God I just got a chill.
Saria laughed, but it was a shy and nervous laugh. Link curiously asked, "Is anything
wrong?" Saria was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well...kind of. Um...remember
last week? The Sacred Forest Meadow? Well, it turns out we didn't use any birth control stuff
and..."
Dark: “…you’re pregnant, Link.”
Zelda: With an alien FREAK MIDGET BABY. A Kokiri/Hylian hybrid.
Link's mouth dropped open. It hung there for minutes. Saria continued, "I went to the potion
shop in Kakariko today and got a birth control test.
Kriz: So they had birth control tests back then. Huh.
Link: “Yeah that potion shop lady gave me a reaaaal funny look when I went in for one. She handed me a twig and I peed on it and…”
“I went to get it because I had been feeling weird over the last few days. Anyway, the test
was...positive. We're going to have a baby." Link didn't say a word for twenty minutes.
Zelda: Contemplating suicide?
And when he finally spoke, he flatly said, "This is horrible."
Kriz: OH BURN.
Dark: “I don’t want to sire your freak baby! I’m only seven, I can’t be tied down!”
Saria said, "No, it isn't! It's wonderful! A baby that came from me and you! Come on! Isn't
that good, Link?" Link thought for a minute and said, "Yeah. I guess it is good. Deep down
inside...I think I really wanted this."
Link: So why was my first reaction, “OH MY GOD THIS SUCKS”?
Zelda: Maybe if you got glasses you’d be able to read your own emotions better.
Saria whooped for joy.
Kriz: Like a siren piercing the night.
She was SO happy. She loved Link so much. She loved everything about him. His
personality, his looks, his voice...they were all so perfect. And she wanted nothing more
than to have a child with the boy she loved.
Dark: “Our freak baby will be ALL POWERFUL. With my Sagely status and your perfect looks, he will RULE the LAND!”
The couple laughed together for hours. Then Link said, "Well, I already picked out a name
for it! Link Jr.! Isn't that the greatest!"
Zelda: Yes. So original.
A disgusted look flew over Saria's face instantly. She yelled, "What?! You instantly choose a
name without consulting me and that's that?! I'm the mother! We decide together! And also,
Link Jr. is the stupidest name ever! It sounds horrible! I'd rather get an abbortion than have
it named that!
Kriz: Can she get an abbortion at the potion shop, too?
Zelda: Actually an abortion would probably be cheaper. They charge extra for unnecessary letters.
“Oh, what's wrong with me? You're a horrible person! I didn't think you could be like that!"
Then she took a fish that was on her plate and hurled it at Link.
Dark: HA! She hit him with a FISH!
Zelda: (as Mido when Link gets home) “*Sniffsniff* And where have YOU been? I know you were out with Saria, you manslut…”
It slapped into his face and Saria took off, crying. Link wiped off his face and stormed away
in the other direction. He didn't even bother to pick up the expensive plates that he had
bought for the dinner.
Kriz: The Kakariko Potion Shop is now having a special on clay plates! One day only, while supplies last!
Saria wiped away the flow of her tears as she ran towards Kokiri Forest. She was about to
enter it when she bumped into a person. Both of them fell down. Saria looked up. It was
Mido!
Zelda: I am psychic.
Link: Yes and it was those amazing powers of perception that put Ganondorf on the throne in the first place!
Zelda: Hey! I apologized! Profusely!!
Mido said, "Sorry, Saria. I wasn't watching where I was going. Say, have you been crying?"
Saria sniffled a little and nodded her head. "You wanna talk about it? We could go to Lake
Hylia." Mido said.
Dark: “And maybe we could… you know… fish…”
Saria softly replied, "Okay." Then both of them turned around and walked toward the lake.
Link walked angrily around the field. Who did Saria think she was? Throwing fish in my
face...There just isn't an excuse.
Kriz: Well she WAS aiming for your shoulder…
Then Link said out loud, "And Link Jr. is...is...hmm. I guess it...is...sorta dumb.
Link: “I guess I am an idiot.”
“And I'd be mad at Saria if she decided to name our child a dumb name without consulting
me. Oh, no! I've been such a jerk! I have to think..."
Dark: I think I can I think I can…
Kriz: Really, they’re arguing about stupid baby names? It’s not like she’s due TOMORROW. This just proves that kids this young shouldn’t be having sex or getting married.
Zelda: When I was that young I still thought boys had cooties.
Link walked towards Lake Hylia, because he always hung out at the fishing pond there when
he needed to clear his head.
Mido and Saria sat on Lake Hylia's grass, talking. Saria was finishing up her story, "And so
he decided to name it an awful name all on his own! And he just expected me to go along
with it!"
Dark: “And y’know what? The other day he wouldn’t let me play hopscotch with him because I’m a girl! Isn’t he the meanest!?”
Mido nodded and said, "Yes, I see. Link has been very selfish and stupid. He isn't worthy of
you. You deserve a guy like mysel-" Mido's sentence suddenly stopped when he saw an
enraged Link at the Lake's entrance.
Kriz: “Uh oh, I’m screwed.”
Link drew his sword and snarled, "Stay away from Saria!" Mido stood up and said back, "No!
You stay away from Saria!" Then Mido drew his own sword and approached Link. Saria
gasped in horror.
Dark: They are going to FIGHT to the DEATH for your affections.
She didn't want anyone to get hurt. Both Link and Mido lunged at each other. Their swords
clashed and sparks flew as they did. The two warriors whirled, dodged and fought. Fought for
the girl they loved.
Kriz: I wouldn’t call them “warriors”. They’re only kids!
Zelda: It’s like watching the bully and the dork finally have it out on the playground.
Then Link used all his strength to unleash a fury of strong, quick, sword swings. Panicked,
Mido desperately tried to block. But he only escaped two of the many swings. The third cut
across his chest. Mido dropped his sword and stumbled backwards as Link watched. Then
Mido fell backward into the lake. His body didn't emerge.
Dark: How theatrical.
Saria ran to Link and hugged him. She said, "Oh, Link! Mido was so weird! All the stuff he
said creeped me out! Thank you so much! Let's never fight again!"
Zelda: “It’s totally okay that you KILLED him because he was being kinda skeevy!”
Kriz: Even though he was trying to make you feel BETTER. Being a CONCERNED FRIEND.
Then she planted a nice, long kiss on his cheek. Link's face lit up and he said, "Hey! Let's go
on top of the tree. We can watch the stars together!"
Link: Ah yes, let’s just completely forget about the fact that I KILLED our tribe leader.
Saria smiled and walked towards the tree. Link followed her and they both climbed the tree.
On its top, the two watched the stars for hours and hours. Stopping only to get each other a
kiss.
Dark: “I, uh… I bought this kiss for you. I hope you like it.”
Link said to his mate, "Saria, I don't care about the baby's name. Whatever you want to
name it is fine by me." Saria giggled and said, "Oh, Link! I love...oh...oh!"
Kriz: Link! What did I tell you about sniffing other people in private places!?
Saria's stomach started to bounce. She uttered, "The...the...baby..." See, life is different in
Hyrule. If you are impregnated, you give birth in a week or so. Not nine months.
Link: Most babies are, in fact, delivered in the treetops.
Link said, "Oh my! Uh...come on! Push! You can do it! I know you can! I love you! Just keep
going!"
Dark: Most babies delivered in treetops are, in fact, killed shortly after birth when they are dropped from said tree.
That went on for a few minutes. After the minutes were over, Saria was holding a beautiful
new baby.
Zelda: THE FREAK BABY LIIIIVES.
Kriz: TAKE COVER. WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRE BREATH AND LAZER EYES.
Both smiled as they looked down at their newborn. Link took off his tunic and wrapped it
around the baby. Saria opened her mouth and spoke first, "It's...it's wonderful."
Dark: IT WILL BE THE RULER OF WORLDS.
Link said, "I know. Hey, look. The sun is rising." They both turned their heads and watched
it rise. The baby turned its head also.
Link: Then, it ate the sun, plunging Hyrule into darkness for ETERNITY.
All three watched the sun until it was at its peak. And when it was, Link and Saria embraced
in a long kiss. The couple loved each other so much and their passion for one another burned
as hot as the sun above them.
Zelda: Yeah, they seemed REAL passionate when they were fighting about baby names.
Dark: Are they going to name it Mido and then pretend that fight thing never happened?
Kriz: Well kids, it’s over!
Link: Yaaay!
Dark: Does that mean you’re going to let us go now?
Kriz: Noooot quite. If people actually like what I’ve written, I’m going to have to keep you here for the next one. If not, though, I will happily release you.
All: YAAY!
Kriz: … Except you, Dark. You need to stay after for… detention.
Dark: Sounds kinky.
Kriz: So read and review, let me know if you liked what I’ve written! If you’ve enjoyed it then I will be happy to continue entertaining you with more. If I don’t get much response I’ll probably just take it down. And if you have a fic -- one that you've written yourself -- that you’d like to see pulled apart and mocked, let me know!
All: SAYONARA.
“Link and Saria: Forest Passion” by Jedi 007 is rated NC-17 for mild language and sexual situations. This entire fic is rated Mature.
Since I was unable to preserve my italics on the AFF.net version, please note that any text you see without a tag in front -- the name indicating who is speaking -- is the original text from the fiction I have torn up.
Enjoy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kriz: Kriz10 here with a new spin on an old idea. I remember long ago, when I was just a babe and radio was just becoming popular, I’d read several MST3K-themed fics. They were hi-LAR-ious. Therefore, I have attempted to duplicate that genius myself!
Dark: Yes, and we are her unfortunate pawns.
Zelda: Could we loosen these ropes a bit? My ankles are chafing…
Link: No no, leave them on. Save them for later...
Kriz: Yes, my three little pets, the Hero of Things, the overly apologetic Princess, and the punked-out Dark Link. I own none of them; Nintendo does. I’m just borrowing them for fun purposes.
Link and Saria: Forest Passion
By Jedi 007
Zelda: Shh, it’s starting!
Dark: Jedi 007? Is that like James Bond with a lightsaber?
Kriz: No. Yoda in a tuxedo.
Link woke up and got out of his bed.
Link: Good morniiiiing!
He looked outside. Kokiri Forest looked very beautiful and he knew that it was going to be a
gorgeous day.
Dark: Yes, until Death Mountain unleashes its fury on the forest, reducing it to a pile of ashes.
Zelda: You do have fire insurance on your log, right?
Link: The plan only covers fungus rot and termites…
After brushing his boyish blonde hair, he strapped on his Kokiri boots and prepared to leave
his home.
Link: Mission Control, we are ready for countdown.
But he stopped when he saw a white piece of paper on the floor. It hadn't been there when
he went to sleep and Link won- dered what it was.
Kriz: I won- der why “wondered” is a compound word.
Dark: Bond is playing a Jedi mind-trick. Speaking like a robot or something.
He picked it up and read what was on it.
It said, " Link: Meet me at Hyrule Castle at sunset. I want to watch the sun go down with
you...and maybe after that we could go to the Sacred Forest Meadow...we'd be alone... "
-Saria
Zelda: “I’ll bring the cheap forest beer, you bring the Trojans.”
Dark: No I’m pretty sure they’re planning on moving that body they buried behind her house.
Link: Yeah it was starting to smell…
Link smiled widely. He loved Saria very much and he knew that she loved him as well. Link
thought about Saria's beauty for a few minutes. Her smooth, silky skin, her bright green
hair, her adorable boots...
Kriz: Link also has 12/20 vision.
Zelda: He actually just described a healthy plant growing in his yard.
Yes, Link was certainly overwhelmed by her.
Kriz: Overwhelmed like a kid with its head in a plastic bag.
He then left his house and climbed down his ladder. He skipped to Saria's house and saw her
outside, clearing rocks.
Link: Mido has her working on the chain gang too.
She noticed him and looked into his blue eyes. Then she winked and giggled gleefully. Link's
cheeks turned bright red and he slowly walked away.
Link: She gives me a rash.
Zelda: So that’s where I got that rash…
Dark: OH GODDESSES T-M-I.
Then Link decided that since it was such a nice day, he would leave the forest and enjoy the
beauty until his date at sunset.
Link stepped into Hyrule Field. It was so beautiful. The sky was bright blue, birds were
chirping, and the sun shimmered down over the trees.
Kriz: Shimmered or simmered?
Dark: Searing them until they resembled used matches…
Link: Dude, you have a destruction complex.
Link walked around the whole field many times. Then he found a gossip stone and checked
the time. Three hours until his date with Saria. He had seen the sunset at the castle before,
and thought it was breathtaking.
Zelda: He suffocated during the show.
Dark: Keep those plastic bags away from him…
He then walked to a tree near Lon Lon Ranch and slumped down against it. He took out his
ocarina and started to play various tunes. After a few minutes, Malon ran out of the ranch
and approach- ed Link.
Kriz: ERRANT HYPHON TIME.
" Hi, Link! I thought I heard your ocarina! How are you doing? " Malon chirped.
Dark: Malon is the long-lost cousin of Big Bird.
Link sighed and replied, "Hi, Malon. I'm okay. " Then Malon asked Link to go to the ranch.
Link protested, but she said it would only be for a few minutes. Link reluctantly agreed. He
didn't really want to, but Malon was so cheerful and nice. He couldn't say no.
Zelda: Pussy.
Kriz: Pushover.
Dark: Whipped.
Malon took him inside her house. There were Cuccos everywhere. " Try and find the magic
ones, Link! " Malon giggled. She tossed them about and Link laughed. Then the two of them
ran among the Cuccos giggling and having lots of fun. So much fun that Link started to lose
track of the time...
Dark: Didn’t realize this was a beastiality fic.
Link: Yeah Malon is all kinky like that.
Zelda: “Magic” cuccos? Sounds like a new cereal.
Saria skipped all the way to Hyrule Castle.
Kriz: Like an old CD.
She was so happy. She couldn't wait to watch the sun go down with the boy she loved. She
had even polished her fairy ocarina and planned for her and Link to play together.
Dark: … This one time, at band camp…
She got to the market and walked past the happy, laughing faces of the townspeople. She
got to the castle grounds and looked at a vine among the wall.
Kriz: That phrase just made my brain melt.
Link had told her about it and how he had used it before.
Dark: “Make sure it’s nice and slippery, then push it in reaaaal slow…”
Zelda: Ew.
She climbed up and waited for Link. One minute passed by. Then two. Three. Four. Five.
The sun was starting to lower. " Link, where are you? " Saria whispered.
Malon took Link outside into the main ranch pasture.
Kriz: “Was it good for you?”
She showed him all the animals and told him many interesting things about them. Link was
enjoying himself very much. He had completely forgotten about his date.
The sun was almost down. Saria watched as it slowly disappeared. And when it finally did, a
tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her ocarina onto the castle ground below. It broke
in two and Saria climbed down the vine. She then left the castle, leaving her ruined
instrument behind.
Zelda: Hey litterbug! That’s private property!
Saria sadly walked down Hyrule Field, planning to return to the forest and go to bed. But
then she heard something. It sounded like a laugh. A laugh coming from Lon Lon Ranch. And
not just any laugh...LINK'S LAUGH!
Dark: Uh oh.
Link: Catfight!
She ran inside the gates, and desperately started to look for her friend. Then she turne
towards the main pasture and saw it. Link and Malon. Holding hands and laughing together.
Kriz: To little kids, that’s almost like sex.
A feminine gasp escaped Saria's lips.
Zelda: She normally gasps like a man.
Link heard it and looked. He saw Saria's stunned face and remembered his date. " No! " he
cried out.
Dark: But she came at him with the chainsaw anyway. Vengeful bitch.
Saria took off, running out of the ranch. Link shoved Malon aside and ran after her, calling
her name.
Kriz: Ooo I sense some hatred for Malon by the author. Why do most authors HATE Malon? I don’t mind her.
Zelda: She’s like the redheaded stepchild.
Link: I think it’s because if you do that last racing mini-game at the ranch where you have to beat the course in, like, a minute – WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE – she gives you a freaking COW, that crazy bitch. And she leaves it in my HOUSE. I was holding out for a piece of heart!
Kriz: Oh God I remember that. I must join this Malon-hating club.
Link looked for hours. He couldn't find Saria anywhere. He had almost given up. He decided
to look in Death Mountain. But if she wasn't there, he would return home. He felt horrible
for what he did. But whatever came of the situation, one thing was for sure. He would
NEVER speak to Malon again.
Zelda: Yes because it is COMPLETELY her fault that you screwed Saria over.
Kriz: I’m sure there’s some literary rule against starting sentences with “but”… It just doesn’t feel right.
Dark: Like buttsex doesn’t feel right.
Link: Oh no that just means you’re doing it wrong.
He ran up the mountain, searching. But he couldn't find her. He tried playing Saria's Song on
his ocarina, but there was no response.
Kriz: “Saria isn’t home right now, please leave a message.”
He went to the part of the mountain where Goron City was and collapsed on his knees. He
screamed Saria's name. So loud that all of Hyrule probably heard.
Zelda: Damn, she’s that good in bed?
Dark: I’m going to take that fragment and stab you in the eye with it.
Just then, a goron rolled by. Link stopped it with a bomb and quickly asked it if it had seen
Saria.
Link: “Um, sorry I just blew you to bits, have you seen my friend?”
It said that it saw a girl with green hair at the mountain's very top a few seconds ago. Link
thanked it and scurried up to the top as fast as he could.
Saria stood at the mountain top's edge. She looked down. It was a several thousand feet
drop. She closed her eyes and prepared to relieve her pain.
Kriz: Are you KIDDING ME!? She’s going to commit suicide because she found him HOLDING HANDS with MALON?
Zelda: Honey there are other guys out there…
Dark: Maybe she’s leaning how to fly.
But just as she got in a jump- ing position, Link appeared next to her.
Dark: …and scared the crap out of her, causing her to fall in anyway.
He gasped, " Saria! I've been looking everywhere for you. I heard you were at the top and I
came as quick as possible! Can we talk? " Saria said nothing. She just looked at Link for
several seconds and then turned back towards the edge.
Kriz: Bleh, you’re boring. My looming death is far more entertaining than your pathetic words…
Link said calmly, " Saria, listen. Malon just asked me over to the ranch for a little and I lost
track of time. I know what I did was wrong, but she doesn't mean anything to me! I only
went so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings!
Zelda: Yeah if I’d said no then I wouldn’t get invited to her killer parties when we’re older.
“You're the only girl I want in my life, Saria. Please. Come with me." Saria said softly, "
You...you...mean it? " Link nodded. Saria walked over to him, looked into his eyes, and
thrust her lips onto his.
Dark: “I’m still jumping, but I’m taking you with me now!”
The kiss lasted an hour long.
Link: OH GODDESSES, CAN’T BREATHE.
Zelda: Laugh! That’s a joke. You can’t last more than three minutes at anything…
Kriz: Burn!
The night wind blowing through the two's hair.
Dark: Now armed with two fragments, I will stab both your eyes!
And when it ended, Saria opened her mouth and said, " Link...let's go to the Sacred Fores
Meadow. Th...There's something we need to do. "
Link: Goddesses, we’ve been kissing for an hour and now your breath must STINK! Close your horrible maw, close it!!
Link smiled and held her hand. Then they both turned and started to walk down the
mountain.
Dark: His eyes watering from the stench.
Saria and Link arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow. Link turned towards his beautiful mate
and said, "Well, here we are." Saria smiled and said back, "We sure are, Link." Then she
laughed and ran to a tree stump.
Kriz: Well. Here we are guys. Right here in our seats.
Dark: We sure are. Tee hee!... I would happily run away if I weren’t still tied to my chair.
Kriz: Hush, you.
She sat on it and Link followed. Just as he sat next to her, Saria said, "Isn't the Sacred
Forest Meadow wonderful at night? It's so peaceful, so soothing, so...romantic."
Zelda: The mating call of the Kokiri.
Link shyly grinned and said, "I know what you mean." Then he closed his eyes and moved in
slowly for a kiss. But he didn't have to get all the way to Saria's face. She flew forward and
gave him a nice, sweet kiss on the lips before he even came close.
Dark: She shot up like a diver on a springboard.
Link: “D-Did you.. get the number… on that truck?... Woo…”
Then Saria said softly, "Link..." Link, who was overflowing with joy, replied, "Yeah?"
Kriz: “Overflowing with joy”? Already? God, she hasn’t even touched him yet.
Zelda: Told you! He’s a minute-man.
Link: Hey!!
And then Saria gave him a playful shove off the stump. Link landed in a nice patch of grass
and listened to Saria giggle with glee. "God, she's cute," Link thought.
Dark: “I love it when she inflicts bodily harm on me.”
Saria hopped off the stump and crawled on top of Link. Both of them said nothing as they
stared with love into each other's eyes.
Zelda: Gosh, she forgives quickly.
Kriz: I guess shoving him off the stump was her payback for making her want to jump off a mountainside.
Saria reached down slowly and unbuckled her belt. After that, she started to slip off her
clothes. Link knew what was about to happen and he was pretty happy about it.
Link: Proving once and for all that I am straight.
He then slowly took off his Kokiri tunic. In a few seconds, both were without clothes on.
Together, they rolled around over the flowers and grass.
Zelda: “Eww I got moss in my butt!”
Link: “That’s not all you’re going to get in there…”
Specks of light floated around the pair.
Dark: Link you should really get your eyes checked.
They kissed repeatedly, each one being so joyous and magical. Then they stopped. Saria got
in a position and lifted up.
Kriz: Mission Control, we are ready for takeoff, awaiting your orders.
Link adjusted himself and went forward. Then, let's just say that he...dove in.
Dark: Sploosh!
Link was shaking so hard with happiness that he thought he would explode.
Kriz: ALREADY!?
Zelda: Too easy…
Link: Shut up.
In fact, he was so engrossed in the magical moment, that he forgot to use a condom...
Dark: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn.
It was a week later. Link had asked Saria to join him for dinner and she accepted.
Kriz: No no no. Saria, you’re supposed to put out AFTER the expensive dinner. Gawd.
It was a picnic on Hyrule Field. The sun was setting as the two ate and enjoyed each other's
company. Every few seconds, one of the two blew a kiss to the other. Their meal consisted
of fresh fish and milk.
Zelda: Ah yes, fish and milk. They’d have to get the milk from Malon, wouldn’t they?
Link: ITS POISON DON’T DRINK IT.
Link asked the fabulous Saria,
Kriz: Saria the Great, conqueror of lands!
"Are you enjoying the food? I caught the fish myself and I got the milk from Lon Lon
Ranch." Saria frowned and said, "I suppose you got the milk from Malon, huh?" Link grinned
and said, "Nope! I specifically avoided Malon and got the milk from her dad! I wouldn't of
gone to the ranch at all, but they do have the best milk in Hyrule. And I want only the best
for you, my sweet."
Dark: And what makes him think that her father wouldn’t poison him?
Saria's frown turned into an instant ear to ear smile.
Link: FREAK!
Zelda: SHE’S A WITCH.
Link then said, "You look outstanding tonight." And she did. Her green hair blowing in the
breeze, her twinkling eyes, her incredible outfit, and to top it off, her silky smooth skin.
Dark: So she’s… wearing her skin… over her outfit?
Kriz: Oh my God I just got a chill.
Saria laughed, but it was a shy and nervous laugh. Link curiously asked, "Is anything
wrong?" Saria was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well...kind of. Um...remember
last week? The Sacred Forest Meadow? Well, it turns out we didn't use any birth control stuff
and..."
Dark: “…you’re pregnant, Link.”
Zelda: With an alien FREAK MIDGET BABY. A Kokiri/Hylian hybrid.
Link's mouth dropped open. It hung there for minutes. Saria continued, "I went to the potion
shop in Kakariko today and got a birth control test.
Kriz: So they had birth control tests back then. Huh.
Link: “Yeah that potion shop lady gave me a reaaaal funny look when I went in for one. She handed me a twig and I peed on it and…”
“I went to get it because I had been feeling weird over the last few days. Anyway, the test
was...positive. We're going to have a baby." Link didn't say a word for twenty minutes.
Zelda: Contemplating suicide?
And when he finally spoke, he flatly said, "This is horrible."
Kriz: OH BURN.
Dark: “I don’t want to sire your freak baby! I’m only seven, I can’t be tied down!”
Saria said, "No, it isn't! It's wonderful! A baby that came from me and you! Come on! Isn't
that good, Link?" Link thought for a minute and said, "Yeah. I guess it is good. Deep down
inside...I think I really wanted this."
Link: So why was my first reaction, “OH MY GOD THIS SUCKS”?
Zelda: Maybe if you got glasses you’d be able to read your own emotions better.
Saria whooped for joy.
Kriz: Like a siren piercing the night.
She was SO happy. She loved Link so much. She loved everything about him. His
personality, his looks, his voice...they were all so perfect. And she wanted nothing more
than to have a child with the boy she loved.
Dark: “Our freak baby will be ALL POWERFUL. With my Sagely status and your perfect looks, he will RULE the LAND!”
The couple laughed together for hours. Then Link said, "Well, I already picked out a name
for it! Link Jr.! Isn't that the greatest!"
Zelda: Yes. So original.
A disgusted look flew over Saria's face instantly. She yelled, "What?! You instantly choose a
name without consulting me and that's that?! I'm the mother! We decide together! And also,
Link Jr. is the stupidest name ever! It sounds horrible! I'd rather get an abbortion than have
it named that!
Kriz: Can she get an abbortion at the potion shop, too?
Zelda: Actually an abortion would probably be cheaper. They charge extra for unnecessary letters.
“Oh, what's wrong with me? You're a horrible person! I didn't think you could be like that!"
Then she took a fish that was on her plate and hurled it at Link.
Dark: HA! She hit him with a FISH!
Zelda: (as Mido when Link gets home) “*Sniffsniff* And where have YOU been? I know you were out with Saria, you manslut…”
It slapped into his face and Saria took off, crying. Link wiped off his face and stormed away
in the other direction. He didn't even bother to pick up the expensive plates that he had
bought for the dinner.
Kriz: The Kakariko Potion Shop is now having a special on clay plates! One day only, while supplies last!
Saria wiped away the flow of her tears as she ran towards Kokiri Forest. She was about to
enter it when she bumped into a person. Both of them fell down. Saria looked up. It was
Mido!
Zelda: I am psychic.
Link: Yes and it was those amazing powers of perception that put Ganondorf on the throne in the first place!
Zelda: Hey! I apologized! Profusely!!
Mido said, "Sorry, Saria. I wasn't watching where I was going. Say, have you been crying?"
Saria sniffled a little and nodded her head. "You wanna talk about it? We could go to Lake
Hylia." Mido said.
Dark: “And maybe we could… you know… fish…”
Saria softly replied, "Okay." Then both of them turned around and walked toward the lake.
Link walked angrily around the field. Who did Saria think she was? Throwing fish in my
face...There just isn't an excuse.
Kriz: Well she WAS aiming for your shoulder…
Then Link said out loud, "And Link Jr. is...is...hmm. I guess it...is...sorta dumb.
Link: “I guess I am an idiot.”
“And I'd be mad at Saria if she decided to name our child a dumb name without consulting
me. Oh, no! I've been such a jerk! I have to think..."
Dark: I think I can I think I can…
Kriz: Really, they’re arguing about stupid baby names? It’s not like she’s due TOMORROW. This just proves that kids this young shouldn’t be having sex or getting married.
Zelda: When I was that young I still thought boys had cooties.
Link walked towards Lake Hylia, because he always hung out at the fishing pond there when
he needed to clear his head.
Mido and Saria sat on Lake Hylia's grass, talking. Saria was finishing up her story, "And so
he decided to name it an awful name all on his own! And he just expected me to go along
with it!"
Dark: “And y’know what? The other day he wouldn’t let me play hopscotch with him because I’m a girl! Isn’t he the meanest!?”
Mido nodded and said, "Yes, I see. Link has been very selfish and stupid. He isn't worthy of
you. You deserve a guy like mysel-" Mido's sentence suddenly stopped when he saw an
enraged Link at the Lake's entrance.
Kriz: “Uh oh, I’m screwed.”
Link drew his sword and snarled, "Stay away from Saria!" Mido stood up and said back, "No!
You stay away from Saria!" Then Mido drew his own sword and approached Link. Saria
gasped in horror.
Dark: They are going to FIGHT to the DEATH for your affections.
She didn't want anyone to get hurt. Both Link and Mido lunged at each other. Their swords
clashed and sparks flew as they did. The two warriors whirled, dodged and fought. Fought for
the girl they loved.
Kriz: I wouldn’t call them “warriors”. They’re only kids!
Zelda: It’s like watching the bully and the dork finally have it out on the playground.
Then Link used all his strength to unleash a fury of strong, quick, sword swings. Panicked,
Mido desperately tried to block. But he only escaped two of the many swings. The third cut
across his chest. Mido dropped his sword and stumbled backwards as Link watched. Then
Mido fell backward into the lake. His body didn't emerge.
Dark: How theatrical.
Saria ran to Link and hugged him. She said, "Oh, Link! Mido was so weird! All the stuff he
said creeped me out! Thank you so much! Let's never fight again!"
Zelda: “It’s totally okay that you KILLED him because he was being kinda skeevy!”
Kriz: Even though he was trying to make you feel BETTER. Being a CONCERNED FRIEND.
Then she planted a nice, long kiss on his cheek. Link's face lit up and he said, "Hey! Let's go
on top of the tree. We can watch the stars together!"
Link: Ah yes, let’s just completely forget about the fact that I KILLED our tribe leader.
Saria smiled and walked towards the tree. Link followed her and they both climbed the tree.
On its top, the two watched the stars for hours and hours. Stopping only to get each other a
kiss.
Dark: “I, uh… I bought this kiss for you. I hope you like it.”
Link said to his mate, "Saria, I don't care about the baby's name. Whatever you want to
name it is fine by me." Saria giggled and said, "Oh, Link! I love...oh...oh!"
Kriz: Link! What did I tell you about sniffing other people in private places!?
Saria's stomach started to bounce. She uttered, "The...the...baby..." See, life is different in
Hyrule. If you are impregnated, you give birth in a week or so. Not nine months.
Link: Most babies are, in fact, delivered in the treetops.
Link said, "Oh my! Uh...come on! Push! You can do it! I know you can! I love you! Just keep
going!"
Dark: Most babies delivered in treetops are, in fact, killed shortly after birth when they are dropped from said tree.
That went on for a few minutes. After the minutes were over, Saria was holding a beautiful
new baby.
Zelda: THE FREAK BABY LIIIIVES.
Kriz: TAKE COVER. WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRE BREATH AND LAZER EYES.
Both smiled as they looked down at their newborn. Link took off his tunic and wrapped it
around the baby. Saria opened her mouth and spoke first, "It's...it's wonderful."
Dark: IT WILL BE THE RULER OF WORLDS.
Link said, "I know. Hey, look. The sun is rising." They both turned their heads and watched
it rise. The baby turned its head also.
Link: Then, it ate the sun, plunging Hyrule into darkness for ETERNITY.
All three watched the sun until it was at its peak. And when it was, Link and Saria embraced
in a long kiss. The couple loved each other so much and their passion for one another burned
as hot as the sun above them.
Zelda: Yeah, they seemed REAL passionate when they were fighting about baby names.
Dark: Are they going to name it Mido and then pretend that fight thing never happened?
Kriz: Well kids, it’s over!
Link: Yaaay!
Dark: Does that mean you’re going to let us go now?
Kriz: Noooot quite. If people actually like what I’ve written, I’m going to have to keep you here for the next one. If not, though, I will happily release you.
All: YAAY!
Kriz: … Except you, Dark. You need to stay after for… detention.
Dark: Sounds kinky.
Kriz: So read and review, let me know if you liked what I’ve written! If you’ve enjoyed it then I will be happy to continue entertaining you with more. If I don’t get much response I’ll probably just take it down. And if you have a fic -- one that you've written yourself -- that you’d like to see pulled apart and mocked, let me know!
All: SAYONARA.