Baten down the hatches

Baten down the Hatches

I do not own the rights to Baten Kaitos or its characters. this story is not written to make money.

In this story RICK is the name given to the ‘spirit’ that represents the player in the world. The spirit talks to Kalas in the game ‘helping’ him and giving him such useful advice as “Don’t give up!” and “You can do it!” However, in this story RICK is pissed at Kalas because It’s late and Rick is angry because his mom is a bitch and always yelling at him for no reason.

KALAS: Oh no! Giacomo’s getting away again!

RICK: oh, yeah, he flying away. Hey uh, silly question, but what are those things on your back?

KALAS: those are wings.

RICK: Um yeah. So…you have wings, and he’s flying away.

KALAS: What is it Rick?

RICK: Hey, crazy idea. Why don’t you FUCKING FLY AFTER HIM?

KALAS: Oh, my wings don’t work out side of battles.

RICK: Great, so that’s why you couldn’t cross the goddamn river by yourself. Ah, okay, and what do they do in battle?

KALAS: they allow me to fly.

RICK: right, and what tactical ability does that afford you?

KALAS: What do you mean, Rick?

RICK: like in some games, characters who are floating or flying are immune to earth based attacks, like earthquakes. Or maybe you can hit enemies that other characters can’t.

KALAS: I don’t think I have any special abilities like that. Let me check… Nope.

RICK: So why do you have wings at all?

KALAS: Because the game designers thought it made us unique.

RICK: Now, by unique, do you mean exactly like every other winged Japanese character?

KALAS: Well, they also look cool.

RICK: Yeah, but the clothes they put you - and all the other characters in, are by far the crappiest clothes ever designed. They make the clothes in Final Fantasy X look like they came out of an Eddie Bauer catalog.

KALAS: Oh, Rick you’re right. We can win if we just work together!

RICK: that’s not what I said at all! K: Rick, please tell me what you think about us.

RICK: first of all I’ve had it with these pussy personality-less ‘heroes’ in games. Like you Kalas. It’s like the sheepish boring Japanese guy who wrote the story just decided that having events happen was enough to make a story, and forgot to make actual characters. The hero just keeps moving along the plot for no particular reason or motivation. It’s like these characters were written by and for seven year old boys.

KALAS: You allways help me to do my best, right Rick?

RICK: Xelha. The chick in pink? Yeah, she’s worthless. What’s up with the pink poofy shirt and shorts that end in pants? She’s annoying and I can’t even see her goods? This is a video game! If a chick is going to be annoying then she has to be hot! Again, she has no personality. Except -wait for it- OH SHE’S A PRINCESS! How surprising! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that plot device before!

KALAS: Yes, Xelha is a kind person. Gibari has been a great friend to us.

RICK: Gibari. The big tattooed guy. Yeah, his big contribution was giving us a bout ride over a river you could have FLOWN over. His wings are the lamest things I have ever seen. And by the time we met him, sure I knew the voice acting was terrible, but after hearing his voice I was glad I could turn all of your voices off. Seriously, you guys are the worst voice actors I have ever heard. And for some reason everyone sounds like they’re talking through a paper cup.

KALAS: Then we met Lyude.

RICK: Oh, yeah the gay guy. They don’t actually say that he’s gay, but he is so gay. And normally I don’t think that about characters in games. A lot of people, on the internet anyway, seem to like to think that many character who are straight are actually gay. This is one time they’re right. This dude is the biggest pussy I have ever met in a game.

KALAS: Savyna became our ally as well.

RICK: Oh, right the ‘tough chick who secretly cares about childen.’ Highly original. And she’s pretty hot, but again has another horrible outfit. Her black leather one piece swimsuit/unitard looks good, but who the fuck decided that bright green leggings would compliment it? Was it a five year old with a box of crayons who was tripping on acid? It must have been.

KALAS: The Great Mizuti is a strong ally as well.

RICK: Alright. Mizuti is a good character. The outlandish clothes actually match her eccentric behavior. But she feels like someone from a different game. Mizuti doesn’t belong in a crowd of boring pussies. She should be in a different game. Or wait! A buddy comedy sitcom with hilariously murderous droid HK-47 from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic! That would be great!

KALAS: You’ve been a great friend, Rick, but I can see the portal between our worlds is closing. Do you have any last words of wisdom for me?

RICK: Yes. The card system and battle system in your game was great. It was like all the originality and creativity went to making that.

KALAS: Thank you Rick.

RICK: Alright, now while I’m still attached to you lets go hit on Savyna.

KALAS: Oh Rick! You're such a good friend!

RICK: ...you bastard.