Hard To Say

Title: Hard To Say
Category: Tales of Symphonia
Pairing(s): Lloyd/Kratos (one sided)
Rating: NC-17
Theme(s): incest, mild sexual content, and adult language
Warning(s): Spoilers, yaoi, and incest

Disclaimer: All TOS characters belong to Namco and I.G. Productions and not me, because really if I did, there would be a sequel packed full of fan service for all the yaoi fan girls.

Summary: Lloyd is still collecting the remaining Exspheres left in the newly reformed worlds, but as of late, his heart seems distracted with thoughts of things he should have said at the end of his journey to the person closest to his heart.

Author’s Note: I just got finished playing TOS, and I had to write a yaoi for it, because the end part with Lloyd and Kratos just screamed yaoi incest. Then I wanted to listen to The Used while writing it…put those two things together and you get why this needed to be written. And hey, it’s my first TOS fiction, so let’s kick it off on the right foot. The italics are part of Lloyd's teenage hormonal dream, which explains Kratos's seemingly OOC personality because I doubt coming down to it....he's not one to act in this manner with sex. At least in my opinion.

~~~~~~~


It’s hard to say that I was wrong
It’s hard to say that I miss you
Since you’ve been gone
It’s not the same
It’s hard to say I held my tongue
It’s hard to say if only
Since you’ve been gone
It’s not the same

- The Used

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lloyd gazed up into the obsidian canvas of the night sky to stare at those brilliantly twinkling lights dancing above him. Many nights in the last few months they had comforted him when he could not turn to his companions for the strength they often sought from him. As a child, knowledge that those sparkling, gaseous dancers were tied to precious memories allowed him to adore them even more. The memories of being held up on his father’s shoulders came back to him. Closing his eyes, he tried to reenact the feeling of security and warmth those memories held, however his chaotic heart wrenched only pain from him, knowing that there was no way those days would return to him.

Reminding the young man that his path was now different from the memories which he still clung so desperately to. They were his only strength in continuing to find the last few Exspheres that remained in the world. His only companion now that the others were trying to rebuild their lives was Noishe. Opening his eyes, he stared over at the giant white and green animal which laid curled up by the fire asleep. A short smile crossed his lips, thinking back to how Noishe would always be there for him whilst he was still a baby. One of his fondest recollections of Noishe involved the dog teaching him to walk by allowing Lloyd to hold onto his tail and taking steps to keep from falling.

Not matter what Noishe had never let him down.

As if sensing Lloyd’s thoughts, Noishe pricked his ears up, raising his head with a soft bark.

“It’s okay, I’m just thinking,” Lloyd replied softly. Quirking its head to the side for a second, Noishe lowered his head back onto its paws before closing its eyes back. Lloyd allowed his gaze to break from Noishe and the stars to look at the fire before him. The crackling of wood filled the silence that was absent of even crickets. This type of silence more often than not forced Lloyd’s mind to drift back to the times before returning the two worlds to their true form.

Of Raine lecturing him, Genis, and Colette on mana research and the likes. Of Zelos being a goof ball while Sheena tried to beat the hell out of him. Of Presea’s monotonous questions regarding Sheena beating the hell out of Zelos, and Regal giving one of his indirect answers.

Drifting back even further, to before going to Tethe’alla, before meeting up with Sheena on Ossa Trail, he remembers Genis’s exclamations of amazement while Colette showed off her wings to him. Of Raine quietly talking matters over with Kratos while his father sat in complete silence. One arm would always be folded over the other, head tilted down in a slight angle, and eyes closed, the appearance of sleep projecting to everyone else, but Lloyd could always tell he was wake, taking in everything with silent calculation. He no longer was bothered by the things Kratos had done in the name of Cruxis and Mithos for he had atoned for it by helping them stop Mithos’s unrealistic vision of stopping discrimination through making everyone the same race.

Now, all that was behind him. His mission now was to make sure that there was no way there was ever a repeat of those actions by anyone whether they were human, elf, or half elf. The worlds have suffered far too great a cost for such foolish thinking. Hence the reason for sitting out in the middle of practically nowhere with only Noishe as a companion. Colette volunteered to come with him on his journey; however he couldn’t put her into anymore danger than what she had already been through.

So, he left alone.

Yet.

Now was one of those times he didn’t want to be alone, not while his heart was being a nuisance to him. If it was possible to banish one’s heart away for just a little amount of time to dull the growing pain, he would have done so in a heart beat. When this feeling first began, he chalked it up to hesitation. Nevertheless, even when he pushed it away and readied himself for the task ahead, those dark emotions filled his heart.

Little by little it shackled his heart. Weighing it down. Drowning it within his own doubts and insecurities of not just the past, but of feelings he fought to understand. In the beginning, it wasn’t easy to figure out what was going on with him. Sure he didn’t pick up some things very well, but he expected to know himself better after everything he went through. As of late, he understood better these dark emotions swirling through him, realizing the truth.

“Kratos,” Lloyd sighed, letting the name slip from his lips as it seemingly resounded within the empty space.

Stretching out close to the fire, Lloyd lowered his lashes over his eyes. Through the slits, he watched the night stars as an image of his father appeared clearly in his mind. He wondered where Derris-Kharlan was at this very moment. Could Kratos see him from where he was up there amongst the stars? Was Kratos thinking about him at all right not, wondering what he was doing? Did he have any things he wanted to say? Anything he regretted not saying to save face? Any words held on his tongue to die in the silence of knowing those words were not the best to speak due to the paths which they had chosen to follow?

“Kratos…”

Lloyd wondered if his father dreamed of him, the way he often dreamed of the male that he had set out to have accept his skills and his existence. Whenever it was that his heart concluded he needed more than acceptance from the man was beyond him. He only knew that now approval wasn't good enough now. Laying there staring up at the blanket of stars above, he pondered if his parents could forgive him for such sinful thoughts roaming through his head. If they would have scolded him had they been there with him.

Or would he learn that his thoughts weren't the only sinful ones to be found? Closing his eyes fully, Lloyd turned over on his side, his shackled heart easing for sleep to drape over him, pulling him towards his unconsecrated, sweet dreams.

~~~~~~~

Lloyd let out a soft plea as his hands were captured above his head, his back arching upwards into the sensual mouth that mapped a path of red bite marks down his skin. The feel of that mouth moving further down sent a shiver up Lloyd's spine, his eyes meeting with those dark lust filled ones with a raw need that would not be quelled for any reason. When the mouth latched onto his left nipple, Lloyd bit his bottom lip to control his moans. He felt those hungry eyes look up at him, telling him without words that he wanted to know just how much he was enjoying this. Releasing a moan as his answer, the mouth set to work, lavishing the taut nipple. His lover flicked his tongue over it rapidly, switching in moderation of sucking to the point the nub was even harder than before. Eventually, the mouth moved to the other nipple, giving it the exact same attention.

“Don't...stop,” Lloyd breathed heavily; his head tilting back to stare up at the night stars that were witness to this act. His lover slid down further, nipping at the unblemished skin, his tongue dipping into Lloyd's bellybutton, teasing it. Despite the tense sexual mood, the brunette could not help but laugh at the feeling of it.

“You like that don't you?” his lover mumbled against his skin. His hot breath sending another wave of desire shooting sparks through Lloyd. The feeling traveled downwards into his groin, causing his arousal to throb with yearning.

“It tickles, Kratos,” Lloyd flushed.

“Hm.” His lover dipped his tongue back into Lloyd's bellybutton, swirling his tongue around in it, subsequently sucking at the flesh around the hole. Moving his free hand, Kratos traced the outline of Lloyd's lips. Running his thumb lightly over the swollen bottom lip he bruised with kisses earlier in their game. Deciding to move on, Kratos roamed his head lower, coming to the sparse dark brown hairs surrounding his son's arousal. Hungrily eying the erect flesh, Kratos hovered over the arousal beginning to glisten with precum. “Beautiful...”

“Kratos!” Lloyd choked as his father took the head of his erection into his mouth. “Please!”

Mercilessly, Kratos devoured the entire rod of hard flesh, feeling the twitching pulse against his lips. Running his tongue down the length, he listened to the desperate cries of excitement coming from his beloved son. Slipping two fingers past those parted swollen lips, his breath hitched when a warm, wet object lapped at his pointer and middle finger. Releasing a moan of his own, Kratos let it vibrate through the swollen flesh he was sucking on, feeling Lloyd's hips jerk upwards in response.

“Ngh!” Lloyd moaned, wanting to tangle his hands through that messy red hair. He would be doing so were they not pinned by his father's other hand. His blood sung to bury himself completely into his father's hot mouth, and it was frustrating him being unable to make it happy. Every time he lifted his hips for more access, his father pulled up a little, running his tongue to the underside of the head of his penis or licked into his slit, tasting his bitter seed. Arching his back, he moaned around the fingers in his mouth coated with his saliva that dribbled down his chin as another spasm struck him. He didn't know how much longer he could survive this assault before he fell over the edge into lustful oblivion.

~~~~~~~

Lloyd woke with a start, sitting up suddenly only to have to lean back as his erection painfully strained against the front of his red pants. With a tormented moan, he ran a hand through his hair momentarily, then begun pushing himself slowly up from where he had been laying. Every morning, it was the same routine after another dream involving his father. He would walk away from the campsite a little ways to relieve the sexual tension caused by the dreams.

Every morning now he found himself moaning out his father's name as he pretended it was his father's hands which touched and stroked him. Every morning, he stared at the morning sky spent of energy after climaxing. It was the same thing without fail. Maybe, he should have persuaded his father more to stay. To give up that foolish pride, and to stay with a son that loved him no matter the sins he bore upon his heart.

Just as he was about to get up from where he laid, Lloyd grew aware of another presence other than that of Noishe's. Looking up, he noticed another pair of eyes looking down at him curiously. Noishe sat beside the person, allowing behind his ears to be scratched. Flushing three shades darker than his red outfit, Lloyd covered up his straining erection from sight. Then narrowed his eyes with feigned agitation he doubted the former Renegade leader bought.

“What do you want Yuan?”

Yuan raised a brow to the boy amusedly. “What do you mean what do I want? I was just happening to be passing through here when I heard moaning. What I find instead of someone hurt, is you dreaming about a certain someone I had no idea you felt that way for. From my knowledge, I thought The Chosen-”

Thinking about what he just said, Yuan chuckled. “My mistake, now that you've saved the world, there is no need for Chosens anymore. So let me complete my sentence with the correct response, I thought Colette was the only one who would ever enter your dreams. You definitely surprise me Lloyd.”

“What?” Lloyd's face flushed darker, if it was even possible. “What are you talking about?”

“Do you realize you have a habit of talking in your sleep?” Yuan said, another smile curling the corners of his mouth into a knowing smile.

“Shut up,” Lloyd exclaimed. “You're wrong.”

“I'm wrong about you laying here? Writhing in pleasure while moaning Kratos's name?” Yuan questioned. “That's very interesting, when I'm not the only witness to this act.” The remark was directed to Noishe, who whined as if in agreement to his father's former companion. Lloyd's face only flamed brighter, muttering under his breath about being betrayed, while he pressed down on his erection to make it go down. The only thing he wanted to do right now was release the sexual tension making his body taut.

“Why don't you just go off to where it was you were going?” Lloyd winced, when a needle of pain throbbed in his groin.

“Your mind must be occupied with other things then,” Yuan replied, that damned knowing smile tucked away in the corner of his mouth. The longer Lloyd sat in place, the more he wanted to beat the older man for mocking his situation. “So tell me, have you allowed Kratos to discover your little secret, Lloyd?”

“He'll never find out, so leave me alone. Now that Martel's wish has been fulfilled, aren't you going to leave or at least stop bothering me?” the brunette muttered, clenching his teeth that the older man was just toying around with him, when he knew what Lloyd wanted to do, but was never willing in hell to do openly in front of him.

“You've already decided to keep it a secret from him I see?”

“You aren't going to leave me alone, are you?” Lloyd inquired.

“I inquired a statement,” Yuan responded, ignoring the boy's incensed mood.

“I request you leave me the hell alone, but that isn't going to happen, is it?” Lloyd sighed.

“Now that we have that straightened out, I would appreciate an answer,” Yuan said the corners of his mouth curling into a triumphant smile at the brunette's surrender. Oh yeah, if Lloyd wasn't in the situation he found himself in now, he would definitely make Yuan regret the smile. He had beaten the older man before, and could easily do it again with no problem.

Damn hormones.

“He decided it was best if he stayed with Derris-Kharlan to get rid of all the Exspheres left there. So, it stays a secret because I'll never be able to tell him that I put on a mask when he was leaving. That I was brave, even when the only thought in my head was for him not to leave me. That I wanted our paths to be the same, but I was silent and he's now gone,” Lloyd answered, feeling the pang in his chest return. Why had he denied his heart for the sake of everything else? Then again, would Kratos have stayed if he knew the truth? If he had known Lloyd's secret, would he have chosen a different path, one where he would be by his son's side?

“I see,” Yuan voiced. “Then I should be off on my way.”

“You're just going to let things go, just like that?” Lloyd questioned, not sure whether to take this as a mark of good fortune or disappointment. After all, not only had Yuan and Kratos been traveling companions with Mithos and Martel, they were also once part of Cruxis. Yuan knew Kratos far better than Lloyd ever could. Over those centuries, surely he understood how Kratos's mind worked and set Lloyd's mind at peace over his feelings.

“Is there something you want me to say? Kratos is gone now. We both know that he’s not coming back, I find no point in adding unnecessary elements to your train of thought, unless you like that sort of thing. However, you don't seem like the type who is a glutton for punishment,” Yuan stated. “So, I'm going off on my way now.” Making good on his comment, Yuan walked off, with Lloyd looking at his fleeting form, until his arousal throbbed for his attention. Pushing himself up from his campsite, Lloyd stumbled over to some nearby shrubbery.

“Noishe, stay put and watch our stuff,” Lloyd called after the animal that whined after him. “I'll be right back.”

Entering the bushes, Lloyd hastily undid his pants, letting them fall to the ground as his erection sprang free from its confines. Removing the gloves from his hands, he allowed his fingertips to brush against the hot, taut skin as he sucked in air. Leaning on a nearby tree, Lloyd threw his head back, moving his hands down to grasp the throbbing flesh. Capturing it between his palms, the brunette rocked his hips forth slowly. His eyes fluttered such as he allowed his mind to make up the fantasy that it was his father between his legs, cradling his erection in his mouth.

“Ngh...y-yes...”

Lloyd could imagine his father's mouth moving up, suckling on the head that was once wet with precum. He could almost feel Kratos's tongue in place of his thumb running slow circles around the slit, drawing another shudder out of him. Gasping for breath, Lloyd stroked the sensitive skin, precum sliding down the head of his erection to the underside. A tremble all but turned Lloyd's legs to water as he found it harder to remain supported by the tree the longer he continued. Squeezing his hands around his erection, the young man stroked himself roughly, picturing his father's own hands wrapped around him, his mouth hungrily devouring the inches of arousal which he wasn't stroking.

“Ahh...”

He rocked his hips a little faster in motion, raising his right hand to his lips. Tracing the outer contour of his swollen bottom lip, he shivered more, thinking about his father's fingertips brushing his kissed bruised lips gently, trying to get him to open his mouth. Opening his mouth to admit two of the fingers' entrance, he tasted the bitter seed on the tips of the pointer and middle finger. Imagining it was his father's essence being savored on his tongue. Pushing the fingers deeper into his mouth, he moaned around them. His other hand pumping steadily, a burning need to release hasting him in his actions. Running his tongue across the fingers in his mouth, Lloyd imitated the motion of his hand around his erect penis. Sinking to his knees, the brunette gasped and moaned around the fingers in his mouth, lust sweeping over him in a torrential wave.

“Ngh....mmfph!” Moving his fingers faster in and out of his mouth, Lloyd felt himself on the verge of falling into oblivion. Tilting his head back, Lloyd imagined his father's mouth sucking harder, ready to pull him over the edge. His hips jerked in response to the pleasure building in the center of his stomach, expanding out. Taking his hand from his mouth, the brunette wrapped it around his erection, pumping harder than before.

He could feel it so close. He was almost there. Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more and he was almost to that state of blissful surrender.

“Kra...tos...” Lloyd moaned as another spasm struck him. “Father...!”

Lloyd's hips jerked forward into his stroking palms as the energy building inside him ripped free, leaving him breathless. Falling forward on hand and knees, he continued stroking as he released on load after another of cum into the grass. His body shook all over as his father's name continues to spill from his lips. When he finished riding out the intense wave, Lloyd collapsed to the side breathing heavily. His eyes went out of focused, as he murmured Kratos's name into the grass.

If only...

Now it was too late to say it.

If only...

However, would it have made a difference if he had said what he should have? Would Kratos have really stayed, if those hard to say words been spoken up? Or would it not have made that difference in the long run? Even if he tried to say it now, he doubted he would be able to do it; even when Kratos wasn't there.

“Father...would you have stayed and loved me had I said it sooner? Would you?”