Fuck the Children!

RPG Fan Fic: “Fuck the Children”

By

Garrison Haines-Temons


The night was a cool and crisp one like a 7UP in the Andes. The busy people walking the city streets already know this fact as they tour the brightly lit metropolis with everything about them refreshed and energetic. It seems that tonight, there’s a nightclub out there that is prepared for an energetic and refreshing night and it’s called the Highwind Sonata, owned by famed pilot Cid Highwind, of course. Everybody inside the club was seated and mumbling amongst themselves while the stage is being set up for a performer. It wasn’t long before silence fell over the crowd as the DJ came up on stage to announce the presence of this oncoming talent.
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re looking for fresh new talent that can actually deliver on their first night, the Highwind Sonata is happy to accommodate you. Give a warm round of applause for Edgo Reinhardt!”
The requested round of applause is gracefully delivered to the 19 year old college kid and videogamer, Edgo Reinhardt, who makes his chance to make a first impression a success when he strolls down the isle and onto the stage with energy and confidence. The DJ got off the stage after presenting Edgo with the microphone, relinquishing the audience’s undivided attention over to him. The comedy bit Edgo was about to do was a familiar tune to all of the Carlinians out there mixed with his videogame wisdom.
“Thank you! Thank you! I appreciate that! Something I’m getting tired of is this stupid bullshit we have to put up with all the time is children as main RPG heroes. That’s all we hear in RPGs anymore! Children! CHILDREN!! ‘Help the children, what about the children, save the children!’, you know what I say? Fuck the children! Fuck ‘em!”
Just as Carlin did, Edgo was able to achieve getting a round of applause from the audience with the “Fuck the Children” line. There are certain RPG characters out in the audience that take exception to Edgo’s brand of offensive and wicked humor: Sora and Kairi from Kingdom Hearts, Zidane and Dagger from Final Fantasy IX, Crono and Marle from Chrono Trigger, and the main taciturn from Secret of Mana. These individuals can each be seen responding to Edgo’s crudeness either with wide eyes or disgusted faces. The only thing keeping them from using Edgo as an outlet is their women and their own self control. But the rage they feel wouldn’t be caged for long.
“I know what you’re all thinking: ‘Jesus, he’s not going to attack children, is he?’ Yes, he is! He’s going to attack children! I know all you RPG developers and gamers aren’t going to like this, but someone’s gotta tell you for your own benefit. Children are overrated and overvalued and they get entirely too much attention! There are a couple of things about children you’ve got to remember. First of all, they’re not all cute! If you look at them rather close, some of them are unpleasant looking! And a lot of them don’t smell too good either! The little ones in particular seem to have a urine and sour milk combination! Second premise: not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people out there: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! There are a lot of loser kids out there who aren’t going anywhere? These are the same kids who become RPG main heroes before they can figure out which side of the playpen smells the worst! If you had…”
“HEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!”
“…If you had…”
“Hey, shut up already! That’s enough out of you!”
The first one to throw his anger at Edgo is Sora, who is now out of his seat and sounds like he’s out of his fucking mind when he talks. Edgo tries to squeeze out of his predicament with playing innocent.
“Look, man. I’m just trying to do a comedy routine. If I offended you, then the most mature way to handle it is to just turn around and leave and wait for me to be done. I’ve got 18 minutes of stage time left, it wouldn’t kill you to be patient and wait. Sure, comedy is a cruel mistress sometimes, but that’s what makes it so good. The manners, the rulebook: gone! This is a great way for me to escape the conformity of the real world. I’m not going to give up my escape plan just because some snot nosed…”
Just as he was about to finish his sentence, he was about to become finished himself as a broken stage light fell from the ceiling, causing the fleetfoot comedian to step sideward out of harm’s way. It could have been just coincidence that the stage light fell or it could have been staged. Either way, it’s a hell of a way for Sora to continue his verbal abuse.
“What exactly is your problem with kids in RPGs? And don’t tell me you’re just doing a comedy routine! I want to hear it straight from you!”
“Okay, I’m a fair guy. Of course, I wasn’t going to get any deeper than what I said, but if you want me to, that’s okay with me! The reason why kids shouldn’t become RPGs’ main heroes is because…well…they’re kids! They’re still learning how to play with letter blocks and yet, they can wield a badass sword in no time at all and kill monsters that are ten times as deadly as them! It’s ludicrous! If I sent my two year old son out in the wilderness with a rocket launcher and an apocalypse spell, he’d still be a ketchup stain! None of you kids have any prior training in combat, stealth, or wizardry and yet you can kick the asses of big ass tigers and big ass trents in a matter of minutes! The only reason why you guys DO get by is because you have actual badasses who are trained for this kind of thing help you! Otherwise, it would make very little sense!”
“Just for the record, I DO have training! I’ve been training with a wooden sword for god knows how long!”
“Okay, so you DO have some background training. You’ve got the training sword, the training targets, but did you have….the training pants?!”
A wave of “oooos” fill the nightclub as Sora’s rage becomes more unstable with every insult he takes. While Sora is trying not to explode like a nuclear missile, Zidane picks up where he left off.
“It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not! It’s not going to stop us from making the enemy’s drop!”
“Unlike your balls, kid.”
A wave of hysterical laughter is the next tide to rush in and Zidane could not be angrier. Dagger was also angry, but she was also confused and expressed her confusion with a quick question.
“How can you people laugh at that! He’s making us look ridiculous!”
Edgo had a response that would keep the audience on their feet and keep Dagger on the edge. “Honey, you don’t need my help to look ridiculous. In fact, it was YOU that inspired this rhyme I’m about to blurt out! Zidane and Dagger sittin’ in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G! First comes clit, then comes cervix, then comes payment for a ten dollar service!”
The audience gave Edgo a mixed reaction of applause, laughter, and “ooo”s. Dagger would have none of their sadistic joy and joined Zidane in his boiling fury. Edgo was beginning to have fun doing this as he should and decided that the fun shouldn’t have to end because the kids won’t be quiet. Edgo was an equal opportunity child hater and who better to have this opportunity than Crono and Marle from Chrono Trigger.
“Do either of you two Cabbage Patch Kids have anything to say to me? ‘Cause if you don’t, then I’ve got something to say to you! Put away the katana and put away the crossbow! It’s time for a change! And for that change, do you two prefer huggies or luvs?”
The audience refused to stay silent after that one. Crono on the other hand having no dialogue in Chrono Trigger won’t have any dialogue here tonight. Marle on the other hand has no problem playing a part in this offensive performance.
“For the record, Edgo, we do have a reason for being RPG heroes! Sure, kids are nothing during the beginning of the game, but that’s the point! The characters of RPGs are supposed to grow and mature as far as pretty much everything goes! They’re supposed to learn lessons, obtain powers, become stronger! That‘s how the level system works! Without the level system RPGs would go down the toilet!”
“…Okay, you got me. I don’t have any sleazy responses to fire back with…I have DISGUSTING responses to fire back with! So, you like to grow and grow and grow, don’t you! I can’t say the same for your pubic hair! I’m sure you got many lessons along the way of your quest! Because those monsters took you to school! I’m sure you’re supposed to obtain supernatural powers like fire spells! I see that the only one whose taken the heat so far is you guys! About the level system, sure! I’m all for that! I have no problem at all with the level system! I think it’s what makes RPGs great! I’m not against growing and maturing, I’m against imbalance, which is what this comedy routine is about! A level 1 Crono cannot defeat a level 5 Tiger! But you know what? It happens anyways!”
Kairi’s first speech of the night is one that she makes count. “And you tell US to change our diapers? Wah wah wah! That’s all we’ve heard from you this whole night! We can‘t help it if the job market is tight and…”
“Hey! If you think I’m acting so god damned immature, then why don’t you come over here…and change my diaper! You can come on over here and rub some powder on my ass and rub lotion on my skin, OW!! Got any Handy Wipes? And missy? I hope the job situation‘s not the only thing that‘s tight about you!”
Sora took great exception to Edgo’s tacky brand of humor. “I’m warning you, I’m going to take this key blade and…”
“And what? Unlock my heart? I got a heart for you! A big sour heart with a creamy middle!”
The audience are practically wetting themselves while the videogame kids’ tolerance level has snapped. No longer will they be degraded by this raunchy human being. No longer will they be talked down to by this sleazy kid. No longer will they be humiliated by this disgusting comedian…at least that’s how things seem as the videogame kids make their way to the stage. But then, Edgo decides that they need to be replaced.
“Whoa whoa whoa! Settle down, kids! You wouldn’t want to get…replaced, would you? I mean figure it out, if you guys lose to my team, that won’t look good on your resumes!”
“Team? What team?”
“Oh, I forgot to mention: I came prepared for the fact that people would be stupid enough to take my humor to a personal level, so I brought my own team of people who would be perfect for replacing each and every one of you! Unlike you guys, these people have paid their dues and make for a perfect balance of power. They’ve already went through their proper rite of passage before taking on the hard ass bad guys! These guys can tip the scale and make it come out balanced like a fairy ice skater on one leg. Ladies and gentlemen: here they are! Hwoarang from the Tekken series, Cobalt from Unreal Tournament, Cody from Final Fight, Master Chief from Halo, and Kane from the WWE games! They’re all here!”
They were all here indeed. All five of the guys Edgo introduced were standing right behind him and ready to take these…tykes to school. It all started when the kids tried to climb up on the stage, but were stopped dead in their tracks by a wall of fire compliments of Kane. The flames would have turned the kids into cinders if they had gotten any closer. But they far from held them back as Marle had an ice spell prepared to extinguish the flames. And her preparation was far from in vain, for the flames had died down in a time frame measured in seconds. The extinguished flames revealed, however, that the five replacement candidates and Edgo Reinhardt were gone. But the kids’ determination to make them stay gone hadn’t flickered away so easily. The kids searched everywhere backstage only to be met by loose stage lights and loose sandbags. Luckily for the kids, nobody got hurt. They were able to sidestep each and every trap that was prepared for them. The kids were prepared themselves as they advanced towards the back lot of the nightclub, where the five replacements and Edgo were surrounding them and circling them like wild Indians. The kids wanted the replacements, but not like this. The kids were basically being toyed with like a four year old with a rubix cube. It started off as a personal feud and now it’s become a fight for survival. But this circle tactic is merely an illusion. The kids can equally distribute themselves amongst the wannabe RPG heroes regardless of what shape they take. They could be a parallelogram for all the kids care, but it’s not going to make a difference whatsoever. With both sides bearing their battle wits in mind, they linger slowly towards each other as if there was a time sand dictating when this battle would begin. But just when the two sides get close enough to let the scrapping begin, a voice in the distance calls out to the vigilant fighters.
“Wait! What the hell are you guys doing? Are you nuts?!”
That voice turned out to be someone who knows videogames like he knows what 2+2 is, someone who has big plans for a videogame of his own, someone who knows how to entertain those shrouded in boredom, Garrison Haines-Temons! Edgo seems to know this kid very well.
“What the hell are YOU doing here, Garrison? Like Dante from ‘Clerks’, you’re not even supposed to be here today!” shouted Edgo.
Garrison’s ammunition to fire back with went something along the lines of, “What am I doing here? Preventing a disaster, that’s what I’m doing! This isn’t the fucking Survivor Series! Edgo, you have the right to do whatever you want for your comedy, but don’t jam it down everybody’s throat! And for the record, it doesn’t matter who takes the position of an RPG main hero! Variety is the slice of life! Badass characters aren’t a necessity! Sometimes, a little innocence doesn’t hurt! Sure, this means ANYBODY can be a hero, but isn’t that what it’s like in real life? Anybody can be a hero if they try whether it’s a kid, an adult, a teenager, an elderly man, an elderly woman, anybody! Kids are what make heroism so amazing. If you just use badasses all the time, the games are damned to be predictable! I think that…”
Edgo has heard enough of Garrison’s preaching and decides that midnight mass is over as he responds with, “It doesn’t matter what you think! You’re obviously so backward assed that you stand over the toilet to shit!”
“Uh, Edgo? People would stand over the toilet to shit even if their asses were where they were supposed to be. What, did you run out of jokes? That doesn’t matter, because if you don’t clear the streets right now, you’re going to be running out of time as well!”
“Is that another line from that geeky FFH series? You’re just as predictable as the RPGs with badasses apparently.”
“So what if I like to use those lines? Is that a problem? You know what? I just thought of something: instead of Cobalt, Cody, and friends vs. Sora, Crono, and friends, how about you vs. me!”
“Oh, you’re on, asshole! It’s too late to run away now! You‘re going to rot away instead! What the hell? I’m talking like you!”.
Garrison let out a burst of laughter that degraded the verbal tactics from Edgo tenfold. Seeing as how this rivalry is pretty much at fever pitch between these two enraged kids, the fight between these two didn’t take long to start. Edgo started off by tackling Garrison, which led to the two rolling around in the city streets as if it were a cat fight. A cat fight between two men, eww! The concept and the mental images of it were bad enough, but having it actually take place in the city streets, that’s enough to puke up all three meals at once! A prime example of this disgusting confrontation is when Garrison ripped the pants off of Edgo to reveal that Edgo had brown stains in his underwear. The kids and the replacements were equally sickened by this wickedly horrid display of “combat”. If that wasn’t bad enough, Edgo ripped the shirt off of Garrison to reveal his fat stomach with hair down the middle. At this point, it was like watching the shit monster from “Dogma” vs. the A-Train from the WWE. How could this possibly get any more disgusting and gross? Well, Garrison’s pants could be ripped off to reveal he was wearing a black lingerie thong with a hairy, acne ridden ass. Edgo’s shirt could be ripped off to reveal that he’s got pimples everywhere on his torso. The worst part about these premonitions is that…they actually happened! Sora was the first to spill his guts all over the sidewalk to Cody’s humor, which he paid for with a key blade strike across the face. This was enough to ignite the fire between the replacements and the kids and the “Survivor Series” was underway. There was one big brawl in the streets between everybody under the sun, or in this case, the moon and the stars. At first, it was just a simple brawl where fists and feet were the weapons of choice, but when Cobalt’s minigun, Sora’s gravity spell, Crono’s luminaire, and Master Chief’s SMG were introduced into the battle, it was nothing short of a “Faces of Death” style massacre. Knowing the brutal potential this battle brings out, the police need to be brought out too in order to clear up this mess. They came with a gigantic hose to spray the brawlers with. The pump was turned on and the cold water surged through the bloody battlefield with the force of Niagara Falls. The police’s original plan was to just stun the fighters long enough to capture them, but since Cobalt and Master Chief were androids, they fried like cod strips at Skippers. The electricity surged through their every circuit and jolted their every wire strip as if they were being executed in Texas. The two androids were down while the rest were captured and placed in a paddy wagon on its way to the city prison. But does this mean the end of the fight? Not really, it just means a change in battlefield. As soon as they were taken to their cells, there were individual fights between the opposing combatants…at least there was fixing to be. In one cell, Sora was stuck with Cody. It seemed as if he was going to be stuck to the wall as well. With panther precision, Cody advanced ever so slowly upon his prey known as Sora. He was stripped of his knife, but he was pretty confident in his abilities without a small, yet deadly instrument of combat. What made this even better for the insane boxer was the fact that Sora was stripped of the keyblade as well. In hand to hand combat, Cody would probably spread Sora’s entrails like mayonnaise on a ham sandwich. But luckily for Sora, none of that would ever be figured out. Just as Sora was about to be bitch smacked like he owes Cody money, the warden came by and announced some relieving news.
“Is your name, Sora? It turns out your buddy, Mr. Haines-Temons, was able to pay some bail on himself, you, and your kid friends. You’re free. You better thank that Garrison guy, he just saved your ass.”
With the cell door open for everybody except for the so called replacements and the sleazy jerk known as Edgo Reinhardt, the streets went from a massacre scene to the kids and Garrison’s red carpet…as long as it’s not red from the blood splatter.
When asked how he could be thanked by the grateful youth known as Sora, Garrison had one thing in mind: he needed a commercial to advertise…a piece of his ass and Sora was the perfect actor for it. It wasn’t going to be just a humble screenshot slideshow, it was something Garrison called on Tifa’s 7th Heaven Bar from MSN “Free Floating Arrogance”. This commercial was a takeoff on an old 1991 Encyclopedia Britannica (that can be found on www.retrojunk.com) with the geeky glasses kid (which in this case was Sora) and the deep voiced guy in the background (which in this case is Garrison). The only difference is that they replace everything with FFH instead of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
“Remember me? I’m the kid who got bored off his ass, then I got the new Final Fantasy Hardcore game.”
“He was bored off his ass and then he got the new…”
“I think I made that abundantly clear.”
“Um…yes.”
“Anyhow, here it is. I mean, hey! Everybody knows this is the greatest RPG in the world. I give it a B+.”
“Why not an A?”
“Too long. He had so many great musings that he put them all in the game. Overkill.”
“Hmm.”
“The next story he did was one called ‘Fuck the Children’ about last night. Scored an A!”
“Uh, good.”
“Look at this! I’ve always wondered where Cobalt and Master Chief were.”
“Mhmm. For details on how you can have a piece of Garrison Haines-Temons’ ass…”
“Let’s have that 800 number!…Excellent!”
“Just call this number and we’ll give you these free booklets.”
“Tell them about the gift.”
“And just for previewing Garrison’s ass in your home, we’ll give you this Garrison Haines-Temons 9 inch vibrator.”
“This is like having your own brothel at home.”
“Um, yes. So if you would be interested in having a piece of Garrison’s ass…”
“Don’t press. They see the phone number. If they want to, they’ll call.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Trust me.”



THE END