UB3: Greek Irony

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Universe Backstabber 3: Greek Irony

By Harley Quinn hyenaholic

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Me: Yay! Everyone's most vile, horiffic Universe is coming back for its third enstallment - and this time it's a Chaotix adventure, for all you girls out there who'd like to get steamy with Espio! Now this isn't going to be as hard-core as 1 or 2, but it's going to be mysterious, a drama. You know, the type where you know the answer. It's called Greek Irony. But of course, you'll have to have read 1 and 2 to know even some of the answers. And it's more fun if you do. So when you review, don't spoil it for the people who can't be bothered to read my other stuff, because they'll have to sooner or later.

Espio: Hey! We're trying to work at a case here! What the hell are you talking about?

Me: Uh... sex.

Espio: Oh. That's okay then.

Me: Anyway, this story takes place about a month after UB2, and not Chaotix, nor any other character used in this fanfic, belong to me, cus I'm not using Original Characters yet. But the ideas used in Universe Backstabber do. Ask if you want to use Universe Backstabber, or I'll get pissed off again and chew off your legs a bit.

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Chapter 1: A Job That Pays

It's early morning.

I lounge against a wall calmly with my eyes closed, while Vector sits at the desk, filling in paperwork. Not details of nefarious crimes, which is what we'd like, but applications for a loan and overdue bills are what we get.

Vector slugs back some coffee. He's been up all night sorting out these loans; at least, he was here when I left, and he was here when I got in again this morning.

Charmee buzzes in at that moment, making him choke, "Vector! Espio!" he yells, "We've got a job!"

Vector nearly falls off his chair, and I whip around, "What? A job?"

Charmee holds out an Omochao, "Some guy on the street gave this to me!!!" he shouts, excited, and puts in on the desk.

The little wind-up robotic Chao starts talking, "This is a one-time recorded message," it squeaks.

"Huh?"

"And this!" I hear Charmee shout in the background, but me and Vector ignore him and focus on the Omochao. Vector whips out a microphone and holds it under the robot.

"Team Chaotix, my mission for you is to find Miles Prower," the Omochao squeaks.

"Tails? But he's-"

"I have my own reasons to believe he is not dead. Learn about him. Find him. If he is still alive, rescue him. Be aware that there are now many dark and shameful secrets that even I do not know. Even your friends are hiding things from you. I cannot reveal my true identity. But you may call me Kuri-mu."

Vector snorts, "Listen, Kuri-mu, we ain't doing anything without knowing who you-"

"My first payment comes in advance." A Black Chao Egg drops out of the Omochao, "One Black Chao Egg per week of productive detectiving, and if you succeed, your final payment will be a Shiny Black Chao Egg."

I snatch it up, "Black Chao Eggs are worth 2,000 Rings!" I exclaim, "Shiny Black Chao Eggs are worth 20,000!"

"I will be watching you. This case must be handled with the utmost secrecy. This Omochao will now self-destruct in 10," the robot squeaks.

"What?!" Vector picks it up, "Oh, no! Why does everyone use self destruct messages these days?!"

"Get rid of it!" I yell at him.

Charmee snatches it from Vector and hurls it out of a window. There is a quiet *bomph* sound.

We look at each other, "A job! Finally!" shouts Vector, throwing a bundle of bills in the air.

"You know what our policy is about anonymous cases," I answer, "Remember what happened last time? We had an anonymous case, well paying, and the next thing we know we're fighting our friends and accidentally saving Robotnik! I never heard the end of that one."

"We can't afford to turn it down," Vector points out, "Look! Final notices on rent, electricity and phone bills!"

"Well you can throw them away, can't you?" says Charmee, "The Black Chao Egg will pay for them, won't it?"

"For about a week," Vector snorts, "Then we're back to praying for miracles."

"And what if we wind up working for Robotnik or some similar dipshit again?" I answer, "Do you have any idea how humiliating it was when everyone in my family found out? When everyone on the planet found out? I've got my pride to think of, Vector."

"Your pride? Your pride?!" Vector stamps around the office a couple of times, "What about my pride? I am sick of living on goddamn Chao Kibble. I am sick of filling in applications for loans and fobbing off debt collectors and hiding from repossessors!"

"Hey, you were the one who wanted to be in charge of finances-" I start.

"But most of all, I am sick of going down to the Animal Sanctuary and searching through about a hundred runaway Chao to bring one of them back to some rotten little kid!" he shouts, grabbing a piece of paper, "Listen to this!"

He starts reading.

"Deer Caoticks, mi nam si Susy Banglemorph
nad I hve lost mi pet Cao Seasky. She is green
with unicron hrn nad a lion tail. Plz bring her
back Im scard I won see her agan. I will giv yoo
mi poket mony."

I look at the spelling, "And she is... how old?" I ask.

"Six," he replies, "I dropped off 'Seasky last night. God, I hate children."

Charmee's face twists up, "Oh, so that's what you do with your days," he says.

"Anything to keep this business afloat," Vector answers, "Listen Espio, did you hear what that Omochao said before it blew up? Shiny Black Chao Egg! 20,000 Rings!"

"And Tails might be alive," Charmee points out.

"Listen, whoever this Kuri-mu is, they've gotta be rich if they can afford to give away Chao Eggs and blow up Omochao like this," he says, "We need the money!"

"And the publicity!" Charmee adds.

"What publicity?" I ask, "They want us to keep it a secret!"

"Well, maybe it's a secret publicity stunt."

"A what?" I shake my head, "No. No, that's not why I'm giving in. Tails might still be alive. If he is, we have to find him."

I can see Vector grinning in triumph. Nobody grins like a crocodile. I ignore him.

"But nobody's seen him for two months!" says Charmee, "He's supposed to be dead!"

"And how do we know that?" Vector asks.

"Because... Sonic... said... so..." we all chorus slowly.

"You know guys," I say, wrapping my arms around Vector and Charmee, "I got me a feeling this case is going to get dirty. Now... let's go check Sonic's statement again."

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Go To Chapter 2

Me: Yay! First Chapter! Who is the mysterious Kuri-mu? Is Tails really alive or are Chaotix walking into a trap? Don't ask me, I haven't decided yet!

Espio: And how fucked up are we going to get?

Me: Pretty damn fucked up I'd say; you and Vector are hot...

Vector: You think I'm hot? Oh, shit! I thought I'd get away with it, I normally do!

Me: I mean like, nnngh...