Skywalkers

9: The Difference

"So, did you do enough thinking, or do you still need more time?"

Cloud looked up at Leon from where he sat on the bed, taking off his shoes. He pinked slightly at the question and looked away in spite of the encouraging smile he received.

"I … still need more time."

"Okay. That's fine." Leon shut the drawer he had just filled with clothes and bent to zip up the empty suitcase so that he could throw it in the closet. "Take all the time you need."

He was halfway through the second suitcase before Cloud responded, his voice hesitant and awkward. "Do you? Need more time, that is."

Leon lifted his head and looked at his new bedmate. The blond was gnawing at his lip again, almost viciously, and his hand kept rubbing a spot on the side of his neck. The pink had deepened to a rose color, and his eyes swam with a mixture of fear and curiosity.

"No," he answered. "I don't."

The rose was now a definite red. "Are you willing to share your conclusions?"

"Are you?"

"I haven't made any."

"Your thought process then, as far as it's gotten."

"If you go first."

Leon chuckled at Cloud's blatant nervousness. He shut the drawer he was filling, then the suitcase, and walked over to join the other on the bed. Cloud made room for him, scooting backwards almost skittishly. Leon settled himself a fair distance away to ease his anxiety. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands dangling together between his legs.

"Okay. I had two issues. The first was my conversion from straight to bi. I was raised with an open mind, and my little brother is already bi, so there was never any prejudice in my mind. No shame or anything. It was just surprising to go from one to the other so suddenly." He glanced at Cloud to find the blond listening attentively. He nodded once to encourage Leon to continue. "I kind of thought that if I was bi, I should have been attracted to men before this, and the fact that I wasn't was a bit disturbing. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it didn't matter. I'm attracted to you, and it's that simple." He grinned a bit, feeling his face burn slightly. "You know how much I'm attracted to you."

Cloud smirked and lowered his eyes. His red color had nearly disappeared, but now it flared a little once more. "Yeah. I know."

"So that left the second issue: Rinoa." He sighed and shifted his position so that his hands were behind him, supporting himself as he leaned back and gazed at the ceiling. "I've been mourning her and missing her every day for five years. The thought of replacing her, honestly, makes me feel a bit sick. But the thing is, if I give up this chance because of my feelings for her, she may very well come back to life just to kick my ass." Cloud laughed quietly, and Leon had to smile as well. He shifted his eyes to the other man and asked, "Do you remember how she died? The night I told you, a whole bunch of stuff happened so it wouldn't surprise me if you forgot."

"I remember," Cloud replied. "You said a plane crashed into the building where she was and it fell down."

"That's right." He returned to staring at the ceiling as he continued, "She was on a floor above the impact point, which meant she couldn't escape. The fire was just too intense to get past. So she curled up next to a broken window, as close to the floor as she could get so as to avoid breathing too much smoke, and called me on her phone. I was damn near hysterical the whole time, but she stayed calm through it all." He shut his eyes and let his head fall back as far as was comfortable. "She was so strong, Cloud. I often wonder if I could have been that strong, if I can face death like that when my turn comes."

A warmth covered Leon's hand, and he opened his eyes to find that Cloud had moved closer to him. He had placed a comforting hand over Leon's and sat there with an encouraging and accepting expression on his face. Almost without thinking, Leon flipped his hand over so that their palms touched and slid his fingers through Cloud's. The blond did not pull his hand away; in fact, his fingers tightened ever so slightly.

"She told me," Leon went on, "that she didn't think she was going to make it. I argued with her, told her to try to get to the roof like so many others were doing. She refused. Instead, she said very clearly that once she was gone she wanted me, not to necessarily go looking for someone else, but to be open to the possibility of loving again. Then she just talked about our memories and how much she loved me, almost as if she knew that her voice was the only thing keeping me from going insane. And then, I saw it: the top of the building start to come down. Seconds before she knew it was happening, I saw it. But before I could even breathe, she was screaming and then the line went dead, and all I could do was watch it come down and all turn to dust and scream and scream until my voice gave out."

"Gods, Leon …" Cloud breathed. "No wonder you have nightmares."

"I haven't had them since the night I told you, though," he replied seriously. "Not one." When Cloud blinked at him in surprise, he continued, "It's almost as if she forced those dreams on me, pushing me until I broke and talked to you about it. As if she knew that, once I had opened up to you and you had opened up to me, I would have no choice but to … to fall for you."

"Fall …" the blond echoed, "… for me?"

"Yeah." It felt so easy and natural to say it. He couldn't help but smile. "So that's why I decided that, even though I may have the occasional stab of guilt, I want to be with you and try a relationship if you want one. And if you don't feel the same way towards me, I still want to stick with you until this is over. Most importantly, I want you to be happy and freed from all of this fear and pain. Because … I love you."

"You … love me?"

Leon didn't miss the inflection of the words, and the sentiment behind them made his smile turn a little sad. "Yes, Cloud Strife. I love you."

Flustered, Cloud turned away. He retrieved his hand from Leon's and rubbed at his neck. In a shaky voice, he demanded, "How can you say that so easily? Isn't that supposed to be, you know, a difficult admission?"

"I've had practice," Leon told him. "Remember, I was married to a woman who actually enjoyed the stuff I write. If I didn't say it at least three times a day, she'd twist my arm until I did."

That brought a chuckle out of the other man. "I would have loved to have seen that. You sound almost whipped."

"Excuse me? I was not whipped."

"Sure you weren't."

"All right, enough of this shit. I've told you everything that's been going through my head. Now it's your turn."

Cloud's eyes widened and flickered with a bit of nervousness once more. His hand started working at his neck again. "My turn," he murmured to himself.

"Why are you doing that?" Leon asked, watching the way the blond's fingers probed at his skin. "Does your neck hurt?"

"Yeah," Cloud replied with a mild grimace. "Ever since the car ride. Must have been that nap I took."

"Do you want me to give you a neck massage?"

"Uh, no. I think that would be a bad idea, actually."

"Why?"

Cloud threw him a sheepish glance before replying, "Well, we already know how attracted you are to me, and I have to admit that I feel the same about you. So a massage at this point wouldn't be the smartest thing."

Leon's heart leapt at Cloud's confession, but he kept his joy from showing in any other way than a small smile. "I can control myself," he assured the other. "We established that this morning."

"Yeah, but I don't know if I can."

"Tell you what, if you try to make a move on me, I'll crack you one across the head."

Finally, Cloud smiled and relaxed a bit. "All right," he relented. "But only because this hurts like a bitch."

It took a moment to find a position where both were comfortable, but once they had, Leon began to carefully work on Cloud's neck muscles, and Cloud tried to talk.

"I'm not really sure where to start. My thoughts have been kind of chaotic. And I have more than just two issues."

"Well, you said you return my feelings of attraction if not the rest. When did that start?"

"Since I first saw you." Leon was amused to see the ears in front of him turning red again. "After all," Cloud tried to defend himself, "you're extremely good-looking."

"So are you."

"Yeah, but I'm enhanced. I used to be pretty plain." When Leon snorted, he said, "No, really. I was." He took a breath, and when he spoke again, it seemed as if something had unlocked within him. "Your looks are just so natural and real, and I'd been living in a world of tech and chemicals for so long that it just took my breath away. And on top of that, you were kind and considerate without being overbearing or intrusive. You just seemed perfect to me. But you were straight, so I wrote you off as someone to fantasize about but to never actually expect to have.

"And then this morning happened, and suddenly you weren't unattainable anymore. But it wasn't as simple anymore either because instead of being just a fuck-fantasy, you were my friend, and that was more important to me than anything else." He sighed and paused to rub some tiredness out of his eyes. "I don't want to lose your friendship, Leon. Not for anything."

"I agree," Leon assured him. His hands were beginning to cramp so he stopped massaging and just rested them on Cloud's shoulders.

"Yeah," the blond continued the conversation. "And let's face it, I'm a mess. I mean, even if we forget for the moment that I'm being hunted by a lunatic who thinks he owns me like I'm some piece of furniture …"

"Sure, we can forget that for the moment."

"… I'm still a mess. I look at myself, and then I look at you, and I just feel like I don't -"

Leon cut him off, moving a hand to the back of his head. "If you say you don't deserve me, I'm going to yank on this pretty blond hair so hard that I wouldn't be surprised if most of it came out."

Cloud paused for a moment, but then decided to risk the possibility of a bald spot. "But it's how I feel, Leon. I look at myself and I don't like what I see. I see something ugly and weak and completely undeserving of the simple kindness you've shown me. The thought that I could have more, that I could have you is just … it's just …"

"Cloud," Leon interrupted gently, "do you want to know what I see when I look at you?" The blond only shuddered, so he pushed on, "Forget that, I'm telling you anyway. I see a pure and beautiful heart that's been torn out and trampled on time after time, and yet in spite of that has managed to retain its beauty, so much so that I can only stand in awe of it. You say you're weak; I say you're stronger than you know."

Clearly unimpressed, Cloud asked, "Did you get that from one of your novels?"

Growling with frustration, Leon used his position in relation to the other to his advantage, pulling the blond back against his chest and yanking his face around so he could look directly into those surprised blue eyes. "I'm absolutely serious. You think you're ugly? I think you're heart-breakingly beautiful, both inside and out. So much so that I sometimes feel plain and common in comparison."

Cloud's wide eyes blinked at him. The bridge of his nose was rapidly turning pink. Leon suddenly realized just what position he had put them in - Cloud's body was pressed against his, their faces close enough to feel each other's breath on their skin, one of Leon's hands holding onto Cloud's chin and the other wrapped around his waist. Carefully, he detached his fingers from the blond's face and dropped his hand. Cloud did not move. In fact, the pink receded and he smiled a little.

"Should I be insulted that you chose such a feminine adjective to describe me?" he asked with a hint of teasing.

Now it was Leon's turn to blink, but he quickly realized that Cloud's change of attitude was because he felt comfortable in Leon's arms. And truly, Leon felt exactly the same. There was nothing awkward about holding Cloud. It felt perfectly natural. With restored confidence, Leon lifted his hand again, but instead of using it to hold the blond's head in place, he slid his fingers into the other's hair and used his thumb to explore that smooth cheek and proud jaw. "Be insulted if you want," he replied. "But it's what you are."

Cloud closed his eyes and relaxed further against Leon. He smirked slightly as he remarked, "This is why I didn't want a massage."

Leon chuckled; the other hadn't sounded the slightest bit unhappy or regretful. "I'll let you go if you want."

"I don't want," the blond replied immediately. "In fact …" His eyes opened again, and Leon inhaled sharply at the flickers of green that were swimming wildly in the familiar blue. "… I have a feeling there's going to be a head injury in my future." And before Leon could comment, he had reached up, grabbed the back of Leon's head, and forced the distance between them to close.

Leon knew he was supposed to be the one to stop this, but as soon as Cloud's lips met his, all of his self-control evaporated. They didn't even bother with starting off innocent, diving immediately into an open-mouthed kiss that ignited thousands of fires all along Leon's skin. He ran his tongue brazenly through all the corners of the other's mouth that he could reach, relishing the familiar drunken feeling that fogged his brain and fueled the burning fires. After a moment, he pulled back for a small break, but Cloud refused to let him go, clamping down on Leon's bottom lip with his teeth, not hard enough to hurt but enough to trap it within the blond's mouth. The action ripped a low moan from Leon's throat; he yanked his lip free and pushed forward for another kiss. Cloud's tongue met his halfway, and they twisted against each other sensually before their lips sealed their bodies together again.

Leon simply couldn't get enough of Cloud. He wanted to drink him in until he was overflowing. This was nothing like kissing Rinoa, nothing like the kisses he wrote about in his novels. Rinoa had always been happy to be the one being kissed, to allow him into her mouth and let him have his way with her lips and tongue. Cloud had no intention of allowing himself to simply be invaded. He fought back with a passion that let Leon know that while he was devouring the blond, he was also being devoured at the same time. It drove Leon wild. The hand that had held Cloud's face began to move. Even though his brain knew that sex would be a very bad idea at this stage of their relationship, he couldn't help himself from exploring the expanse of the blond's chest and slowly moving downwards.

When his fingers lightly brushed the warm flesh trapped within Cloud's pants, however, he suddenly found himself staring into wide, frightened eyes with one hand gripping his wrist so hard that it hurt and another firmly around his throat, the fingers just loose enough that he could still breathe if he concentrated. The blond in front of him was panting, but not from passion; the expression on his face made it very clear that his desire had been doused by the bucket of cold panic that Leon had dumped over top of him.

After a long minute where Leon didn't move for fear of being choked, Cloud began to relax. His fingers uncurled and his hands retreated; they pulled in close to his body which slumped forward in shame. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No," Leon assured him. "I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have pushed."

Cloud shook his head and pulled into himself even more. "No, I wanted you to. But as soon as you touched me … I started having … flashbacks."

Leon winced. He had refrained from trying to comfort the other physically, but now he circled his arms around Cloud's body, joining his hands together around the other's waist, and leaned his head against the blond's shoulder. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know," Cloud replied quietly. He shifted slightly in Leon's embrace, letting himself fall backwards into Leon's arms, but not loosening the grip he held on himself. "It's just that I can't remember the last time anyone touched me without the intent to break me down and make me scream - and not in a good way. And even though I knew you weren't going to hurt me, I couldn't stop my reaction. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Leon repeated. "I understand."

"You say that, but I'm a grown man who's afraid to have sex. How pathetic is that?"

"It's not pathetic," Leon argued. He tightened his grip around the other and sighed. Regardless of what Cloud thought, Leon didn't feel this hurdle was all that gigantic. In fact, he thought he could probably break it down easily. Assuming that he could get the blond to just relax. "Did you have any boyfriends on your old planet?" he asked.

"No. I had a crush on Zack for a while, but he didn't return it so it stayed a crush."

"So apart from Sephiroth, there's been no one?"

"Well, no. I had some one-night stands here and there. A couple of women, too, before I decided I just wasn't interested."

"But no one's actually made love to you before."

Leon could feel Cloud's confusion through his body language even before his voice scolded, "You weren't listening. I said I've had one-night stands. You tend to do more than kiss for those. And Seph forced me into sex nearly every day."

"I'm not talking about having sex. I'm talking about making love."

"Gods, Leon." He could just imagine the eyeroll Cloud was giving him. "Please don't tell me you think they're two separate things."

"They are two separate things. I'm a romance novelist, remember? I make love for a living."

"Well, then, Mr. Heartilly," Cloud said, his voice heavy with disdain, "what's the difference between having sex and making love?"

"Well since you asked so nicely …" He waited for the blond's snort and smiled when he got it. "When you have sex, you're concerned mostly with your own gratification. Yes, you want the other person to enjoy it as well, but your focus is mainly on yourself. It's much more of an animalistic and instinctual feeling. But when you make love …" Leon moved his head so that he talked against the skin underneath Cloud's right ear. "When you make love to someone your focus is entirely on him." He unhooked his hands and ran them down Cloud's arms, encouraging the other to let go of the tension that kept him curled up in a ball. "His pleasure," he whispered, smiling as the blond began to relax against him. "His desires. If you get something out of it yourself, that's just a bonus. That's not why you do it, though. You do it solely for the other's enjoyment." Leon's hands now moved to Cloud's legs, pushing against them gently so that they would lie flat again. "And believe me," he continued, pausing to place a soft kiss against the blond's jaw, "it can be very enjoyable to experiment and discover all the little tricks and nuances that send your lover into ecstasy. To listen to the sounds he makes and try to figure out what you have to do to elicit those sounds and then drive them to the next level."

Cloud let his head fall back against Leon's shoulder, eyes closed, breathing steady, body relaxed and open. Leon took the other's face in his hand once more and began to turn it towards him, kissing a trail towards his mouth in between words. "The only purpose of making love … is to ensure that your lover … knows exactly how much you love him … by giving him … the most amazing … mind-blowing experience … he's ever had … in his entire life."

Leon dropped his lips upon Cloud's, and the blond did not hesitate in welcoming him. Their tongues moved against each other in a slow, lazy kiss that spoke volumes of how deeply they cared for each other and trusted one another. After several long minutes, Leon began moving his hand again, tracing a curving line down the other's chest. This time, however, as he neared the bottom he found Cloud's hand and brought it along with him so that the hand touching him through the fabric of his pants was Cloud's own. The blond tensed slightly and gasped into Leon's mouth, but he did not try to throttle Leon this time or even stop him. Eventually, he relaxed again and his breathing quickened; his participation in the kiss faltered as he touched himself, Leon's fingers covering his own and occasionally guiding them slightly.

When Cloud began to moan softly in the back of his throat, Leon pulled back and caught his gaze. "I know this is difficult for you, but I want you to willingly put yourself in my hands. I want you to let go and just trust me. Right now, your mind is equating sex with pain and coercion, so let me make love to you. Let me make love to you again and again until I've erased that equation and replaced it with one that links sex to love and pleasure. You're not giving up control because all you have to do is say one word and I'll stop. So let go and leave everything to me. Please."

Blue eyes watched him for a tense moment, the bits of green still flickering in the background. But then the eyes closed and Cloud nodded. He let himself go limp against Leon's body with an expression so peaceful and trusting that it hurt. Someone who didn't know Cloud might have called it submissive, but Leon knew better. The blond was pulling down his walls and offering himself up to Leon's care, risking the possibility of being hurt on the belief that he wouldn't be. It only served to increase Leon's opinion of Cloud's strength and make him love him even more, if that was possible.

Gently, Leon began to kiss Cloud again as he guided the blond's hand away from his arousal and towards his waistband. He held the fabric in place while Cloud undid the button and pulled down the zipper. Leon's other hand, previously busy with holding Cloud's body to his, moved downwards to help the other two push clothing around until the blond's erection stood free. After finding Cloud's hand again, Leon brought it to the base and helped wrap the fingers around it; his other hand encased the blond's fingers from the other side so that Cloud's entire hand was trapped by Leon's warm grip. He took a moment to allow Cloud to adjust to the sensation and then encouraged him to begin to move.

Almost as soon as their three hands began to slide up and down, Cloud pulled his face out of the kiss, needing the extra oxygen. He rested his head against Leon's shoulder and panted quietly as Leon kissed him on the eyelids and between the brows. Soft moans brewed and built within the blond's throat, and he bit his lip to keep them in check. But when Leon shifted his left hand to be above their rights, ensuring that all of Cloud's length was encased throughout the entire stroke, he lost control of them and they began to escape from his lips, one after the other. Soon after, to Leon's surprise and delight, Cloud removed his hand from under Leon's and instead reached down on either side of him to grab up great fistfuls of sheets. He rolled his head to the other side, exposing his neck to Leon who attacked it greedily.

If Leon had had any lingering doubts about his feelings towards Cloud, this would have obliterated them. The man fascinated him. Rinoa had been a talker, calling his name again and again and telling him exactly when she needed it faster or harder. Cloud said nothing, not even a single desire-laden moan of his name. But the sounds he did make were a language unto themselves. Little gasps when a new sensation struck him, quiet moans of appreciation that seemed to escape without his consent, and when he started getting close, amazingly sensual double or triple rapid-fire inhalations followed by a longer exhalation that carried just a hint of vocalization that was so full of need and desire that it made Leon's head swim with pleasure. He had to bite his lip to keep from moaning himself so that he could hear every last one of them.

A quick series of gasps of rapidly increasing pitch alerted Leon to what was happening just before Cloud arched his body away from him and momentarily stilled, his trembling limbs the only movement in his body. Under his hand, Leon felt Cloud's muscles contract rhythmically, so he stopped his strokes and just held on tightly until it stopped. Used to Rinoa's screams, Leon was utterly amazed at Cloud's silent orgasm; the blond had even stopped breathing. And when he finally came down and relaxed against Leon again, he simply turned his face into Leon's neck and sighed.

Leon was shaking. From his own unattended arousal, yes, but mainly from the waves of powerful feelings that were crashing over him. Blinking back tears, he pressed his face against the top of Cloud's head. "You're so beautiful," he whispered, not caring if it upset the other or not. "You're so beautiful, it hurts. I love you so much. I … I …"

Against his neck, Cloud smiled. "Stupid sappy romance novelist," he murmured.

Leon laughed, a wonderful, cleansing release of laughter that chased away the desperation that had been threatening him. He continued to hold Cloud for a few minutes, but then excused himself so that he could go wash off his hands. By the time he returned from the bathroom, the blond had fallen asleep - holding Leon's pillow. Somehow Leon managed to get them both under the covers without waking Cloud up, and as he curled up next to his love and lover, he couldn't resist a final kiss and a whispered promise: "Everything's all right now. No one will ever hurt you again."