The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: "... the heart must pause to breathe" (Byron)

"Hayden, we can't do this anymore. It isn't right."
He saw her fists tighten. She stared at the floor, her shoulders shaking slightly, her hair disheveled and covering the sides of her face like a curtain. "What was I supposed to do? H-how..." she choked back an angry sob. Rage strangled her voice, left her speechless.
His voice just sounded tired. "I'm sorry, Hayden, I'm so sorry, but I ... I just can't. This can't go on." Kaidan tried not to look at her, tried to concentrate on doing what was best for both of them. He didn't want any more sacrifices. The guilt was tearing into him, and worse... he shut that part of himself down, didn't look at it, didn't listen to the whispers in his soul.
"Get away from me." Such anger, such hurt.
He winced at the sound of her voice. Kaidan's shoulders slumped. He felt beaten, he knew he was a failure, and worst of all, he knew he was right. "I don't know how to make you understand, Hayden. I don't know if anyone can."
"Will you please just get out? Get out of my room. Leave me alone, you heartless bastard." The last phrase, hate-filled, was whispered but he still heard it and winced.
He thought of trying to defend himself, but knew it would be too dangerous. Kaidan turned and walked out of her cabin.
Hayden waited until the door was completely sealed to burst into angry, heartbroken sobs. She couldn't even blame him for it. She knew how difficult she was to deal with. She was incredibly violent. She had a short temper, yelled a lot. And she wasn't attractive, not like Ashley.
Ashley, who was now a pile of radioactive dirt on the surface of some miserable little backwater planet. The thought still brought her a savage joy, despite what the decision had cost her. Yes, she had had let Ashley die because life with Kaidan hating her for it was still better than a life without Kaidan. Hayden pulled her knees up to her chest, curled herself into a tiny ball on the chair. She couldn't think, didn't know what to do for the moment. She wanted to hit something, or maybe throw things, but mostly she just wanted to cry. The ugly sounds of her tempestuous sobs filled her ears. She felt helpless, and hated it. Hayden wished she could go back to a time when she didn't feel anything, when no one meant anything to her. But that meant that she would lose the only feeling that mattered. Maybe this pain would go away in time, just like physical pain did. Maybe she could just wait it out.
Kaidan was halfway up the stairs before he stopped. Leaned against the wall, broken, a man old before his time. "I can't do it." He warred with himself, trying hard to break away from the pull of the darkness within him. "Dammit. I can't do it." He put his hands to his head, and groaned. He knew himself too well not to know exactly what would happen if he went back to her now. Just because love didn't leave track marks didn't make him any less of a pusher, and he knew it.
The door opened again. Hayden didn't look up. Only one person had the code to unlock her cabin. "What the hell do you want now?"
Still shaking in her chair, expecting to be hurt again. Shocked beyond words to feel his hands pulling her up, forcing her out of her shell. Ecstasy, to find herself in his arms again, to hear his voice, gentle and warm.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have... don't cry like that, don't."
She flung her arms around him, held him tight. Couldn't speak. Couldn't stop crying. "I didn't know what else to do! I couldn't... I- I couldn't... Kaidan..."
"I know, I shouldn't have - I'm really sorry, I know," he held her to him, let her sob wildly into his chest. Stroked her hair, soothed her with wordless whispers. In a few moments the storm passed, and she was just resting her head on him, tears streaking her beautiful face. He tilted her head up to his, leaned down, kissed her. Tasted tears on her face, love on her lips. The kiss was gentle, questioning at first, but the storm of anguish burst into a fire as Hayden suddenly realized that she had almost lost him - not his life, but his affection.
Hayden threw herself at him with desperate hunger. Unsure of the words to use, she pressed her body against his, pleading with caresses and touch, offering him anything he wanted if only he would stay.
"I want you," he moaned. "I can't give you up, I can't make myself do it." She made a happy little noise. He kissed her again, meeting fire with fire, feeding on her need while fulfilling her need of him. Kaidan led her toward the bed, still kissing her, still holding her in his arms. He lay her down on the bed, covered her body with his own. "You're so beautiful, Hayden," he whispered as he kissed her, pressed his body against her.
She rubbed herself against him, holding him close so she could feel his hardness against her.
Kaidan kissed her, harder this time, forcing her back against the bed with his weight, making her smile. He felt her little hands move down to his waist. "No," he said softly, "let me do this." He moved his body on hers, put her hands back on his shoulders, let her kiss his lips. Listened to her moan at the pressure of his body over hers. Spread her legs, moved his hand so he could touch her more closely. She jerked away at the first contact, more in shock than anything else. He watched her, saw her flush at the unexpected reaction. She swallowed nervously, looked at him as apology. He kissed her cheek, moving in a way that encouraged her to return to her former position. Started again, more carefully this time, slowly stroking her swollen clit through her clothes. "You've never done this before."
She shook her head. "Not like this." Her voice shook a little.
He kissed her again, still stroking her through her clothes, moving his hand over the entrance to her body, sensing her warmth and wetness. "Relax a little. I'm not going to hurt you. Do you want me to stop?"
She shook her head again. Kissed him to prove that she wanted this.
Kaidan undid her pants, opened the fastenings to give himself more room. Kissed her again to distract her from what he was doing, slid one hand into her underclothes while the other pulled her closer, changed the angle at which she was lying. Moved a finger around the wet outer lips, felt her twitch against him in the kiss. Moved his finger around the lips again, teasing, preparing, rubbed the broad base of his hand against her clit. She was trembling under his hands. Wet. He worked a finger inside her. She gasped, clutched at him. He rolled his thumb over her clit, slowly slid a second finger into her, felt her open around his hand. She was making noise now, shocked little gasps, panting. He watched her, moved his hand in and out of her in rhythm with her breathing. He pulled his fingers out, glistening with her wetness, worked on her clit, stroked her outer folds, coming closer to penetrating her with his fingers again with every stroke until finally his fingers were inside her again. She was flushed, lying back on his arm, her arms around him. He kissed her again, moving his fingers inside her, exploring.
She cried out, buried her face in his shoulder. "There, right there, oh please!" She closed her eyes, rocked back on forth on his hand. He moved with her, made sure he was working her inside and out. She gasped desperately, and he felt her muscles spasm around his fingers. She cried out again. He held still for a heartbeat, then stroked her gently, and felt an aftershock ripple through her. She sank into the bed, sighed softly. He stroked her again. She moaned softly, closed her eyes and pulled away slightly.
Kaidan smiled. Slid his hand slowly out of her, lay back on the bed watching her in silence.
Hayden stretched, happy and selfish for a moment, then looked up at him. "You didn't ...um... do anything. For you."
"Don't have time." He smiled. "Don't worry, I feel rewarded enough." He glanced over at the clock. "I should get cleaned up before Joker comes looking for me."
"Will you come back later? We could finish. Or talk. Or something."
Kaidan leaned over and kissed her. "I'll come back later."