Philanthropy

Otacon: We've finished our papers, but now we're nervous about our marks! >_<
It never stops, this university thing, does it!
Otacon: And I thought we agreed on not putting this chapter online! It's private!
Oh, sorry. Too late now.


***


Nine

The next afternoon Snake didn’t come home. He’d told me he’d go and buy some groceries. But it was three and a half hours later now and he hadn’t returned. I stood on the balcony, knowing he’d probably manage, knowing he could do anything, but still afraid. It became darker. Twilight started to rise from the corners of the apartment. I shivered when a cold breeze blew through my hair and clothes. I still waited.

I thought I heard a sound down there that sounded like his voice. I leaned over the railings and tried to find him. There was a guy standing in a doorway of another building, with a girl. Was it his voice I’d heard? I sighed and stayed on lookout.

I heard the voice once more. I checked, but there was nobody on the street except for these two in the doorway. I think they were kissing. And then it hit me. It was Snake. Kissing some girl. She had long dark brown hair and was dressed fashionably. I could even see her high boots now. I heard her high laughter. When the wind blew my way, I could even hear the sounds of them kissing.

The feeling that hit me was so familiar it hardly hurt.

But then I started to think. He didn’t know anyone here, I guessed. He must’ve just met her. And there had to be some reason for this. Didn’t Mei Ling tell me about all his ‘contacts’ in different cities and how he maintained them? I wished I could be sure. And there was nothing I could do but to get back inside and wait. If I went looking, I’d probably ruin everything. And he would be angry.

I went to bed and when I woke up, I heard some clatter in the hallway. I watched the alarm clock. 3.17, it said. I fell back on my pillow. I’d hear his story the next morning. I couldn’t fall asleep though, because I heard him in the bathroom and all. And when it was finally quiet, I felt his hand stroking my hair. I pretended to be asleep.

‘We have a contact at the newspaper,’ he said, sitting behind his coffee.
‘I know,’ I said from behind my paper.
‘How?’
I put down the paper. ‘I saw you.’
‘You did?’ he said, surprised.
I nodded.
‘Hey, what’s the matter? Don’t tell me you didn’t suspect it. A genius like you.’
‘Well, I did, but…’ I watched him. ‘It’s a weird idea.’
He laughed and took a huge gulp of coffee. And I thought he was so cute. ‘It’s just as weird for me. But as long as she doesn’t know about me, and doesn’t see me as more as…well, what I am now…’
‘Free sex?’
He smiled apologetically. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t do it with you first.’
My face went red and I got incredibly nervous. I stared at my paper and didn’t know what to say. Of course the idea nearly made me crazy with desire, and something else… something like an ego boost. But I just…I didn’t know if I was ready for something like that.

How would he do it? Did he have a style or something, or was it just being good or no good? I imagined him in bed with the girl from yesterday. His hands, his lips on her skin. I sighed and became hard instantly. He was good. He had to be good to have such an effect. I was sure of it. Imagining him with me was a lot more difficult, though. I’d be a total turn-off, a weird stand-in for someone more appropriate.

‘Well, anyway… the documents are being looked at as soon as I give them to her. And they’ll be published shortly after.’
‘Good.’
He kissed me on my cheek. ‘Don’t worry, geekie,’ he whispered. ‘When we do it, it’ll work, just trust me.’
His hot breath in my ear only made it worse. I looked at him, hoping my expression would say everything, because I couldn’t speak about this. I felt cornered somehow. I wanted to get outside, take a walk, get some air.
He ruffled my hair, making it lose all the order I had tried bringing into it that morning. But he did it tenderly. I tried to hit his hands and failed. Because he had already picked me out of my chair, kissing me in my neck.
‘We’ll be fine.’

It worked. The feelings of ‘why me of all people’ changed into ‘I’m lucky, I have to take advantage’. I kissed him violently to lose my awkwardness. He was just as violent, but still tried not to hurt me. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

His nails were clenched into my back and his grip was so firm I was practically being crushed in his embrace. I moaned, which was weird because I’d never thought I’d be able to moan while someone other than me could hear it. He bit my lip and I bit his as soon as he let go. We continued biting each other. I was practically gasping now. His lip was between my teeth now, and I hissed at him.
‘Do it to me. Do it to me.’
‘You mean now?’
‘Now.’

I felt like we were a couple of animals now, obeying the laws of nature. As soon as I had taken off his shirt and he had taken off mine, he pushed me on the table.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
He was staring down at me, expressionless.
‘I’m not the right one to do this.’
‘I choose you to do it. You’re the only one I want.’
He was having his doubts. I saw it. But he still went on. Because of me.

*

I know, I know, it was the wrong thing to do. But I’m a soldier. I have needs that can’t possibly be satisfied within the right period of time. I’d only had sex in three months, with that girl. And she just wasn’t fit for me. She was a project, not a partner. Otacon, on the other hand… I don’t know what he is. Great sex, at least. He never showed pain or something. If he had it, he was good at concealing it, which made it better for me of course. I hope I didn’t hurt him too much. I never want to hurt him. Too bad I started thinking about me putting a gun to his head again when I watched him. It made my orgasm a lot less good. I don’t think he noticed, though, taking all his gasping and yelling in mind.

*

It hurt alright, but he was tender. I felt helpless and I liked it. Laying there underneath him, and hearing him groan because of me, it was great. I held on to the table, afraid I’d fall off, afraid he’d hurt me, but it never happened. As soon as I relaxed, I started to understand why everyone’s always trying to get laid. I closed my eyes and forgot everything, and that worked.

When it was over, I only wanted to be in his arms. I tried to snuggle up with him.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes!’
He smiled. ‘I’m sorry. For the pain.’
‘What pain?’
He kissed me on my forehead and held me close. That may have felt even better than the sex. I felt so close to him, the closest I’d ever been. His warm skin was all around me. I listened to his heartbeat, slowly calming down. I wanted to stand like that forever. Even though we were in the kitchen, and naked, it was worth a lifetime of working on robots and watching anime at night, worth being in fear and powerless for days, everything. I couldn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe us, or what we’d just done.

He had hidden his face in my shoulder, holding me as close as possible. He was gasping softly.
‘Shit, Hal,’ he whispered. ‘How did this happen?’
‘What?’
‘When did I start loving you so much?’
‘I…’
He kissed me and shook his head. He continued to look at me, and it made me shy. I was still naked, you know. What do you say to the one who just took your virginity? Not the regular virginity, the real virginity, the one that matters. My head was spinning, so did my stomach. I felt his eyes resting on me as I watched the floor.

***