And So...?

I
sniff again, trying to keep my eyes from watering as the time passes.
It's been an hour, and Riku still hasn't come back... And me? Well
I've just been half-sleeping and mostly not.

I
sit up and rub my eyes, sighing as I realize that in the little sleep
I did get, I managed to tangle my sheets up around me like a cocoon.
I just can't help but feel so abandoned... He just ran away from me!
He's running away from me again
and I don't know why, I thought... I thought he wanted it!

He
kissed me!
Did I miss something?

At
that thought I fall back down on my back, curling around into a small
ball, trying not to cry. I hate
it
when he runs from me. What's he got to be ashamed of? Why is he
running from me again?

I
think that's why I can't bring myself to look for him. It'd be just
like right after I woke up in too-small clothes all over again.

God,
Riku, don't have left me again! You promised
you promised me and Kairi
that you'd never leave again! You promised, you
jerk!

But
now I'm crying again, whimpering, missing him next to me, clinging to
my sheets, feeling totally alone.

But
what can I do?

Didn't
I do what I was supposed to?

-----------------------

I
really wish I'd grabbed a jacket. Turns out Destiny Islands isn't
exactly the warmest place when you're barefoot and only wearing an
undershirt and a pair of boxers.

I'm
just walking, aimlessly, sort of in the direction of the beach. But
I'm reminded of when I held hands with Sora, and I don't want to go
to the beach and think about him. All that will do is make me think
of how unbelievably stupid I am.

But
he kissed me back.

That's
not the point! The point is that I could never give him what he
deserves! He deserves to be happy, to live his life without all of
this... all this sickness in it. God, but I'm barely able to be his
friend and not taint him. Sometimes, though, I can still see the
darkness in his eyes.

And
I know it's me that reminds him of it.

He
deserves to be happy.

He
seemed happy to be with you.

I
shake my head. I know my conscious is playing tricks on me. I have no
idea how late it is, and I just want to sit down and curl in on
myself and disappear.

I
don't want anyone to miss me, I just want to fade to black, and my
memory erased just like what happened with Sora. But I don't want
anyone to put me back, because, really what good have I ever done?

You
helped him. He knows that.

I
helped him in penance. When you look at it, I'm still hurting him,
all the time. I tease him constantly, I'm always putting him down...
And I'm mean. Any good I've done is cancelled out by all my darkness,
all the evil I've done and thought and been.

I
don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

I
sit down on the sidewalk, trying to clear my head and figure out just
where my feet have taken me. I shiver slightly in the dark, thinking
about how insane I must look with my eyes blood-shot, my feet bare,
and my body half-dressed.

And
I'm sitting in front of Kairi's house.

I
can't even think. I just have to get inside somewhere and stop acting
like a crazy person, get my head clear so I can think about how I can
tell Sora that I'm sorry and I'll never do it again.

Tell
him I'm sorry I'm in love with him.

Tell
him I'm sorry I'll never be with him.

Or
just lie and tell him I slipped and fell.

I
snort, "Yeah, right, Riku."

And
now I'm talking to myself. That's always
good.

But
the night is cold and closing in on me. It feels too familiar, and
too distant, and I just want to erase everything.

I
want to cease to be.

But
I can't, so now I just have to grow up and deal with my mistakes. Yet
again. Here's Riku trying to clean up after himself again, trying to
make things right because he will always hurt the ones he loves.

Fuck.
I have to get out of my own head!

I
need somebody...

Kairi.

She's
the purest of us all. She's gotto
be able to help me.

---------------

Clack.

Clack.

Clack
clack!

CLACK!

I
bolt upright in bed, wondering what in the world is going on right as
my window-

BANG!
-tinkle tinkle tinkle-

-shatters.

I
squeal, trying not to scream, knowing I'm safe up on the second
floor. I roll out of be and put on my bedroom slippers when I hear,
"Sorry!" called up at me from the ground.

Rushing
over to the window, I'm only mildly surprised to see Riku in his
underwear and nothing else standing there, looking sheepish. However,
he's much more distressed than anything, so I'm not going to get
angry at him about my window right now. Something must have happened
with Sora.

I
just knew
those two wouldn't be able to figure it out for themselves. Riku is
so stubborn, he just doesn't listen to anyone.

They're
worse than Tidus and Wakka!

I
wonder if all gay boys act like seven year olds?

"Riku?
What are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be at Sora's?" I ask.

He
looks at the ground.

"I...
need to talk to you," He looks up at me, pleading. "Let me
in?"

I
sigh, feeling slightly exasperated with my friend. But I'd do
anything for him and Sora. Absolutely anything to see them both
happy.

"Yeah,
I'll be down in a minute, okay? Come around to the back."

He
nods up at me, turning to walk to the back.

What
in the world does he expect me to say? Did he listen to me at
all
back on the beach that day? But then, maybe he just needs someone to
talk to at all. If what happened was that bad, then he probably just
needs to be with someone.

I
grab a blanket for him and slip on a bra quickly before hurrying
downstairs to let him in. I mean, I don't want it to be weird with me
just sitting there and everything just... hanging around! Anyway, I
sneak quietly down, trying not to wake anyone up, and manage to get
to the back door.

I
can see him through the glass, and I don't think I've seen Riku look
like this since I saw him through the guise of Ansem.

His
pathetic attempt at a smile only makes me feel worse for him, and my
heart aches as I open the door and hand him the blanket.

"Thanks,"
He whispers, "Thanks for everything."

"You
know I'm always here, Riku. But let's go upstairs and talk, okay?
Luckily no one woke up when you broke my window." I giggle a
little, finding it somewhat funny. I will have to explain that one in
the morning, I know.

We
get upstairs to my room, and he sits on the floor immediately,
cross-legged, holding his hands in his lap and just looking at them.

"Riku?"
I prod, just a little, after letting him sit for a good five minutes.
"What's wrong? What... what happened?"

I
see his body shake with a heaving sigh.

"I...
kissed him. In his sleep. And... and he, well... he woke up. He
kissed me back. I ran away."

I
look at him, dead-pan. He can't be serious. How is this a problem?

"Riku,"
I start gently, knowing something about him is fragile right now, "I
don't think I understand. What's the problem in all of this?"

He
looks at me, and his eyes are almost dead-looking, except for the
deep sorrow I can feel pouring from him in overwhelming waves.

"I
don't deserve that kiss, Kairi. I don't deserve any of him. I can't
make him happy, I can't be his light, I can't be his anything."
His voice breaks, and I'd comfort him with touch, but I can sense
that isn't what he wants right now. "Kairi, every major decision
I've made has revolved around him. And every single one has been
wrong! I chose the dark path, and when I found that he'd been able to
get around without me, to survive without me, I was crushed.
It made me realize I was never what made him happy.

"And
it isn't because we aren't friends, because we are. It's because of
who I inherently am.
I am a jealous, vain person, and I payed for being that way by going through
hell in the darkness - but I'm still that way now, just a little less. I'm still so tainted... I'm too covered in that sick darkness. My light is too dim to carry me
on sometimes, much less carry someone else too." He stops,
and I see a single tear slip down his face. "I'm incapable of
making him as happy as he deserves. As happy as he would be with anyone else, even with his other friends. I can't be that. I never could."

As he rambles, my
heart breaks for him, and I feel my chest constrict with seeing him,
my strong
Riku, feeling broken by the weight of his own emotions.

But
he doesn't need me to break with him.

He
needs me to break him out.

"You're
as bad as Wakka! Listen to me, Riku," I say firmly, but softly.
"Listen to me now, because I know you didn't listen to me on the
beach. Sora loves
you. Sora is incomplete
without you. Sora wants to be
with you," I can feel myself blush, "In a much more than
friendly way."

He
tries to say something more, but I raise my hand to stop him.

"Just
listen, Riku, because I know how you can be when you get overwhelmed by your
own darkness. You aren't really listening to me. You're hearing me,
but nothing is getting through to you, so just listen.

"You
first entered the darkness to save me, and you let your jealousy
consume you, sure. But it wasn't just you.
You were young, you felt abandoned, you were trying to do everything
on your own... You've always tried to be stronger than you really
are. Which is why you need
him. And he wants to be with you! You believe yourself to be so
tainted, but Riku, he had to kill too!"

"But
he killed for the right reasons!" He hisses, interrupting me.
"He didn't do it because he thought he was supposed to be better
than me, or anything as stupid and childish as that!"

"Riku!
You were
a child! We were all just kids, and you were trying to do everything
on your own! And all the time, Sora just wanted to find you, just
like right now! Can't you see that it doesn't matter? Can't you see
how obvious
it is?"

I'm
exasperated, though I've tried to keep calm. Riku is just so stubborn
and he has had no real confidence since he got back. I mean, on the
outside, yeah, but as far as his heart? He knows he's as fragile as
glass.

He
shakes his head at me, burying his face in his hands.

"I
don't see it, Kairi. I can't."

"Yes
you can!
It's right there in front of you! Sora is your light, Riku, Sora is
your other half. Neither of you can live without the other. Not
having you by his side when you were helping him, he almost didn't
make it! He told me there were times with Donald and Goofy where he
just felt tired, like he couldn't go on, and then he'd think of
finding you again, and he'd be able to push through. And how did you
manage to live through the dark? By thinking of Sora, by thinking of
how it was helping him." I sigh, calming down a bit. "Riku,
just think of how much he needs you. You woke him up, saved him. You
helped him defeat Xemnas. He
wants you."

He's
silent for a moment, and I move off of my bed to sit behind him. I
touch his shoulder gently, and he places a hand on top of mine.

"Kairi...
It's so... It's just so hard..."
He whispers, but I can hear the calm that has come back into his
voice.

"I
know, Riku. I loved him too, once. But you know what to do."

He
nods gently.

"I
won't run from him anymore," He pulls his hand away and makes to
get up. "I won't run."

"Exactly."
I say, smiling gently from where I'm sitting on my knees.

He
gives me a sad half-smile, though it's much more genuine than any
I've seen tonight.

I
look over at my window.

"You're
paying for that, by the way," I say, chuckling a bit at the
glass all over the floor.

His
smile widens, and he looks at me sheepishly. "Fair enough."
He pauses. "Thank you, Kairi. I just... sometimes the memories
get so... So intense. And so dark... And... just, thank you."

"You're
welcome. I love you, Riku, and Sora too, with all my heart." I
say, looking up at him.

He
softens, and smiles gently back. "I know. We... I love you too."

"Okay,
enough of this!" I say, standing excitedly. "Go back to
Sora!" I pump my fist in the air for emphasis.

"I
will. I'm gonna go to the island first though."

I
nod, knowingly. "Alright. Be safe."

And
with a small nod, he's out the door and I'm walking back upstairs to
get into my cozy bed.

After
giving advice to one half of the two homosexual couples on the
island, I'm a bit exhausted. All I need now is for Sora and Tidus to
come around.

I
giggle a little as I settle back into bed, listening to the breeze
through my broken window.

Life
will always straiten itself out.

-----------------

As wonderful as Kairi is, I just don't think she's right about this. As I row out to the island, some of the clarity I gained in her room fades, and I have to force myself to remember that regardless of what happens, I am going to have Sora in my life. And I have to remember that he'll always be my friend.

I'm just so confused. Things were never supposed to work out this way, you know? He wasn't supposed to love me back.

Am I wrong? What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm being pulled apart by two people... This dark person that knows I'm destined to be and live as I always have, alone - and this person that understands that Sora and I are meant to complete eachother.

I'm just so afraid.

I'm so afraid of losing him.

What if it doesn't work? What if everything is fine, but then it all falls apart - what then?

I'd break if I ever lost him.

I'd die before I hurt him.

I just need to relax. I'll just sit by the Paupu tree, and relax.

-----------------

I have to stop crying. Just get up, get it together, go find Riku, and stop crying.

It just feels so familiar.

I know he's safe, and that he's not going to do anything stupid. I just hate looking for him knowing he doesn't want to be found. It's just way too familiar, and it's scary as shit.

Because I know that when he doesn't want to be found, it generally means he's really unhappy, and than he won't be found.

I'm getting up, but I'm still crying. I'm getting dressed, but tears are still rolling down my face, and my chest still aches when I think of him. Tear drops hit my shoes as I tie them. I'm still wiping my eyes as I walk out the door, not knowing where I'm going, but just trying to find him.

All over again.

I just had to get out of that room and make myself look for him. I mean, come on Sora! It's not like he can go to another world or something! He's here, and I'll see him. And I'm going to make him realize he doesn't ever have to run from me ever. Because... Because I'm his best friend, and I would never leave him alone. And I will make him see that he loves me too.

He has to! Or else he wouldn't have kissed me, right?

He thought I was sleeping. Just to steal a kiss?

You don't just do that to people. I know he loves me too.

I just don't understand why he ran from me. I kissed him back. He at least has some sort of weird idea about how I feel. He has too! Even I'm not oblivious enough to think he doesn't at least like me after that!

Maybe Kairi could help me? Maybe he's been talking to her too.

I head in the direction of her house, still thinking about everything, and at least in the night air my tears have disappeared. Suddenly I shiver, and I remember that Riku ran out in his boxers like a total idiot.

I smile sadly, just a little. Because somewhere, Riku is looking stupid outside in the middle of the night in his underwear.

When I get to Kairi's I pick up a rock to toss at her window, and throw it. But it never makes a noise. Neither does the second or third rock I throw. What the hell? I don't understand!

One more try.

"OW! Not again!"

Huh? What in the hell...?

"Kairi?"

"Sora? Is that you?" She appears in her window, "You just hit me with a rock!"

I look at her weirdly. "What happened to your window?"

"Riku happened," She says, looking tired. "Don't ask, but go out to the island. You guys need to talk."

And just like that I'm waving bye and running as fast as I can toward the beach where my boat is.

His is gone too.

I'm rowing faster than I ever have before (even when Riku and I were racing), and when I get there I see that his boat is there.

But there's no sign of him.

The Paupu island!

My feet are flying, thorugh the sand, up the stairs, through the door, across the bridge... And there, leaning against the tree, my Riku.

"Riku!" I call, and he turns slightly, not quite meeting my eyes.

But when he does, my breath catches.

"... Hey."

I walk up beside him, and we just look at each other. A moment passes, and I take his hand.

"Riku, let's go home?"

He seems to understand I mean my house, and my heart is thudding canon shots in my head, and I'm so relieved I can't see straight.

He nods. "Yeah," He says gently, tiredly. "Let's go."

He's trembling.

-------------------

A/N: Okay, this is kinda rushed, but here it is. I have family shit to do tonight, which will be well fun, let me tell you. More convo in next chapter, this baby isn't done yet!

Much love.

I formatted for you guys! Hopefully it turned out right... But anyway, I hope to hear from you all soon!