Crossing the River

"Commander, why don't any of these corpses have heads?"
"High explosive rounds," replied Jordan shortly. He didn't really feel like discussing it, and continued directing the cleanup.
"But, Commander, none of them have heads. That means you shot every single one of these slavers in the head. With an exploding shell."
"Pressly, do you have a point?"
"Well, no, not really. It's just that... they have no heads. It's kind of creepy."
Jordan glared at Pressly, but didn't respond.
"And you did it in under ten minutes."
"Can we please talk about something else?"
"Commander, I'm standing in front of a waist-high pile of headless bodies. What else am I going to talk about? My mental note never to piss you off?"
Jordan went back to helping with the cleanup, and tried to ignore Pressly.
"Hey, Pressly," said Rojas, "here, I found a head for you. Well, part of one, anyway." She gestured towards the gory remains of a slaver that had been killed by a mine.
"I'm going back to the ship." Jordan walked away, to the amusement of Pressly and Rojas.
"I think there's a spleen here," observed Pressly. "Are any of the corpses missing a spleen? How did that even get here?"
Jordan returned to the Normandy, and headed to his cabin to wash himself off. He noted that Kaidan wasn't at the monitoring station, but figured he was still in Medical, recovering from the Tetorgen. The door to the captain's cabin opened, and he was greeted by giggles and a rush of cold air.
"Hey! Didn't you see the sign?" protested Liara. She was sitting on the couch, with Kaidan's head in her lap. Garrus was lying on the floor, surrounded by pillows, with Ashley lying on his chest.
"What?" Jordan looked down, and saw that the door was labeled with a 'Shepard Appreciation Society' sign. "What?"
There were more giggles, and some Turian chuckling. "Okay, you can come in," said Liara.
"Um...." Jordan had never felt so confused in his life, and he didn't know where to start. "What are you all doing?"
"We're snuggling and talking about how cool you are, except for me," said Ashley. "I'm playing devil's advocate, and going on about what a self-absorbed jackass you are."
"Gee, thanks." Jordan looked carefully at Garrus, who had one arm behind his head and the other curved around Ashley as she lay against him. "Um..."
"Seriously?" said Ashley in disbelief. "You're, like, totally oblivious, aren't you?"
"Yes," said Jordan sheepishly. "I really am."
"The answer is yes, and I swear, if you make one joke about xenophilia, I will kick your ass," snarled Ashley.
Kaidan and Liara laughed.
"Right," said Jordan nervously.
Garrus grinned. "Can I make any jokes about shoes?"
"No."
Jordan carefully stepped over Garrus and walked to the bathroom so he could change out of his bloodstained clothes.
"Hey, don't close the door!" called Liara.
"Yeah, we're watching that." Kaidan grinned.
"Okay, he's still tripping and Garrus is on painkillers. What excuse do you two have?" snapped Jordan, embarrassed beyond words.
"We're girls," giggled Liara. "We don't need an excuse to act crazy, do we?"
"Hormones," said Ashley sagely. "That's my excuse."
"Also," Liara added, "we had a few drinks. Would you like a beer?"
"Why are you even in here? Why aren't you guys in Medical?"
"It's too hot in there," complained Kaidan.
"And Kaidan wouldn't stop talking," Garrus winced, "and being unnecessarily graphic about drug interactions while Sherman was being sick with influenza."
Kaidan laughed. "Contraindication and possible concomitant side effects are fascinating! I used to have a little chart for all of mine. It was in color and everything."
Jordan looked over at Kaidan, who was idly drawing arrows in the air and listing medications.
"Great, you've set him off again." Garrus sighed.
"Sorry," Jordan pulled out a beer from the minibar, which had been mysteriously stocked with a collection of Colonial microbrews. "Someone explain the appreciation society sign, please."
"Oh, that's easy," grinned Ashley. "We've now all officially been saved by Shepard. We invited Tali, but she didn't want to come up."
"We gave her a badge anyway," Liara explained. "So she wouldn't feel left out." Liara's omni-tool beeped an alarm. "Oh!" She carefully propped Kaidan up on the couch and walked over to the minibar. "Medication time." Jordan moved out of her way so that she could work, and Liara knelt down to start preparing the doses of medication for Kaidan and Garrus.
Kaidan slipped slightly, and made a little "Wheee!" noise.
Jordan rushed over to catch him before he fell off the couch. "How much did they give you?" He fumbled slightly from nervousness, and somehow ended up with Kaidan in his lap, Kaidan's head resting on his shoulder.
"A lot," chuckled Kaidan. "I'm all flopsy!"
"Right," Jordan nervously took another sip from his beer, and shifted so that he could support Kaidan with his arm. Kaidan turned the beer bottle so that he could read the ingredients and was murmuring things about the chemical composition of hops.
"Get your boob out of my face!" Ashley wriggled away as Liara leaned over Garrus to administer his medications. Ashley sat down on the couch, moving Kaidan's legs to her lap so that she was sitting right next to Jordan. "Why aren't you two making out yet?"
"Ashley!" Jordan was genuinely shocked. "I'm not going to take advantage of someone who is practically out of his mind!"
"Oh," said Ashley, "so if he wasn't tripping right now, you'd be all over him."
"What?" Jordan turned bright red as he realized what he had just said. "I ... didn't... Why are you.... Don't you have anything better to do?"
"Nope."
Kaidan and Ashley were laughing quietly at him, and Jordan just didn't know what to think.
"He does smell nice," Kaidan observed.
"I told you!" Ashley grinned.
Jordan groaned in mock despair, and everyone laughed. This was certainly a lot better than people having nervous breakdowns from traumatic stress, and he figured he would get used to this in time. Kaidan shifted slightly, making himself more comfortable, and gave a quiet sigh of contentment. Some things, Jordan realized, would be very easy to get used to.