The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: It doesn't matter what I want. (Something heard once, a long time ago.)

Worst moment? That night at the Academy, realizing that someone she had thought was special was only interested in her because she was a woman and he thought her weak. Discovering that he planned to take what she wasn't willing to give. The sudden shock of finding out that she couldn't stop once she started hitting him, that her speed and strength had somehow increased with her rage, and that her hands weren't just hitting someone but mauling. That standing over his unconscious body, knowing he would need reconstructive surgery on his face to repair the damage, listening to his ragged breathing, feeling his blood drip off her hands, knowing that moment to be the most satisfying of her life so far.
"I thought you said not to kill the possessed colonists," said Kaidan. His voice was strangely flat and emotionless.
Hayden chambered another round in her sidearm. "It was an accident." She didn't look at him. "Come on, we have to deal with that stupid Thorian. Get moving."
"Are we still sparing the colonists?"
"This isn't the time, Alenko." Garrus glared at Kaidan as Hayden walked away without answering. "You know what we're here for. Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
She pretended she couldn't hear Garrus defending her, and didn't turn so they wouldn't see her flush. She moved forward, crouched at a corner, and tried to concentrate. Tried to remember which ones she shouldn't be killing. She didn't want to upset Kaidan any more than she already had.
Stupid, weak, useless colonists. Just seeing them made her unspeakably angry.
Hayden fired a gas grenade, waited, then hurled a biotic field to hurl anyone not caught in the gas out of the way. Something moved at the corner of her eye, and before she could stop herself her pistol was up, and with unerring marksmanship she had sent a round through the skull of one of the colonists. Hayden swore under her breath as the man staggered and fell over. Without waiting to hear Kaidan speak, she charged forward, closing with the remaining colonists so she could knock them out with her bare hands and another gas grenade. Even that didn't work as she had hoped, and the flimsy Salarian trader practically broke in half under her hands. Hayden screamed in frustration, but it was over finally. All the creepers were gone, and at least some of the colonists were still alive, thanks to Baynham's gas.
"Commander?"
"Shut up, Alenko. Just shut up!" Hayden turned around, faced him. Angry, violent. "Stop questioning me."
Kaidan backed away from her, cautiously, was about to speak when her eyes suddenly went wide, and she whipped up her assault rifle, shoved him out of the way. Garrus, seeing that she had Fai Dan well in her sights, helped Kaidan to his feet.
They were speaking. Exchanging words that were meaningless. The ending of this confrontation was already set.
His face crumpled with his failure, Fai Dan forced the gun to his head. Hayden waited, her weapon still at the ready. Kaidan flinched, closed his eyes.
No. The worst moment wasn't realizing that she had no control over it - it was the day she realized that she didn't care.