Philanthropy

Here it is, finally, a new chapter.
Otacon: We got ourselves a good grade, by the way.
So as soon as we've finished this fic...
Otacon: ...which could take forever...
...we're going to write our history paper.

Just kidding. I'm going to write it sooner.

***


Eight

Whenever I had seen romance in my life, I had ignored it and moved on. Ever since that terrible thing with my stepmom, though I refuse to mention her any longer, women were off bounds for me. Never again would I give in to them. They brought doom over me. I lost Em because of that bitch. And I loved Em. Not her. I don’t know whether my general dislike of females has had anything to do with that. Whether it was some kind of traumatic experience, I don’t know. But I knew I had never been in love before. I hated love. Romantic anime were a no go area, except for porn without any emotions, or when the characters were really innocent and cute. I watched most anime through the girl’s perspective, anyway. Falling hopelessly in love with a guy and faint every time he walks by. I laughed about it, but it was a nice idea.

Snake. I had watched him as he walked by. I was watching him all the time.

‘What have you made?’
‘Um… nothing.’
He watched me, suspicious. He made a swift movement that pushed me out of my chair and began to open up windows.
‘Hey!’
He didn’t respond. He just gave me a stare. I couldn’t sense the expression behind that stare.
‘It’s – it’s you.’
‘I can see that.’
‘I modelled you in this handy 3d modelling programme I have.’
‘Amazing. Strangely amazing.’
Relieved by his remarks I got up and showed him the things possible.
‘You can move by using these buttons. You can pull your gun, but just one. I haven’t had the time to make every weapon. With this you zoom in and out.’ I grinned proudly. ‘Well?’
‘I…On one hand I think this is a crazy, obsessive design and a complete waste of time.’ When he saw my devastated face, he laughed. ‘But it might come in handy! Though I don’t really know how.’
‘That’s why I made it! To plan and review mission situations.’
‘And because you’re an obsessed geek.’
‘Hey! This model required extensive calculus and programming skills!’
‘Could be. Doesn’t make it any less obsessive.’
He got up. ‘Want some coffee?’

I straightened my shoulders and looked him in the eyes.
‘What?’
‘What’s wrong with you? I’m not an obsessive geek. In fact, you kissed me, remember that small but oh so significant detail?’
He sighed. ‘Otacon, I’m sorry for that move I made. I never meant to make it in the first place, and I regretted it as soon as I finished it.’
He sounded weak. I knew I was stronger than him now, even though his muscles were 265% stronger and his reflexes probably 150% better.
‘Somehow I don’t think you believe your own words.’
‘Hal,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t do this. I’m already powerless as it is now. Just leave me alone. Be satisfied with the times I will reach out for you. I won’t ask you anything more.’
‘How can you ask me that?’ I said angrily. ‘You’re out on some mission most of the time, and I miss you and I’m concerned for you and fearing for your life, but I can’t even spend time with you when you’re back?’
‘Maybe it will change. But I can’t have you on my mind constantly. I already worry about you when I’m out. And you don’t want to know how quickly I lose my focus when my thoughts are with you.’

I felt so rejected. It was like he didn’t want to be with me enough. I knew he was a soldier, I knew he was a clone, I knew he’d had training to rule out any emotion. But hadn’t he told me I was keeping his mind on track? Giving him another reason to return safely, to rid the world of another threat to peace? I wasn’t giving up. I couldn’t give up.

‘But…’
He turned around and walked into the kitchen.
‘But you told me I was…’
The moment after my voice broke, his arms were around me in a tight, loving embrace. I felt his body tremble and I incredulously felt his warm tears falling on my head after a while.
He hissed words in my ear. ‘I have to keep my focus on the mission, because I could die, and that would mean I’d never see you again and you wouldn’t have anyone to look after you anymore. I can’t die. You don’t want me to leave you, but if you and I become a couple, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Not because I want to, but because I won’t manage. Don’t you understand?’
‘Would you kiss me if I asked you to?’
‘Yes, I would. If you would be so irresponsible. I’ll do anything you ask.’
‘Because I think you can manage. I think you can do anything. And I want to help you in every way I can.’
‘Hal…’
‘Well, let me put it this way. I’ll always be here. How were you planning on ignoring me?’ My voice hardened. I was losing my patience. But my heart broke at seeing him cry.
‘Why are you crying?’
‘I know I’m gonna give in. I can’t stop myself. I need you more than I allow myself.’
I pressed a kiss on his lips. He kissed me back. I could taste his tears.
‘You’re so evil.’
‘But I need you, too,’ I said.
‘I know.’
We were silent.

‘So be it, then,’ he whispered, stroking my back. ‘Heaven help us.’

*

An Armstech designer. One of the few people with the knowledge to make, and therefore, the possibility to use, a metal gear. But I liked him. I couldn’t hate him like I hated all the others affiliated with metal gear, no matter how trivial their connection was. To me, they were like stones. Lifeless. No human beings.
And that’s why it hurt so much. That’s why I didn’t want us to be together as we were. Of course it would be harder for me to concentrate, but that wasn’t the most important objection. No matter how valuable he was, to the organization and my own well-being, there might come a day when he would be the only specialist left, and I would be forced to kill him. With my own hands. And as I held him I already went over the many ways to kill a weak man like him, in my head. I imagined strangling him, breaking his soft neck. Turn it around, hear it snap. And it hurt. It hurt like nothing else I had ever experienced before.

I didn’t want to do it. But my personal feelings shouldn’t be more important than my duty. Never. I was afraid to do it, but I was just as afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it when the time came. Afraid to fail. Afraid to lose him. Afraid to be alone.

I wasn’t used to being afraid.

***