Urban theory

Urban theory; chapter 6

Tatsumaru felt him self stupid, ridicules and insecure.

It had seemed a very good idea last night when he’d patched his bruised cheek. So at the Saturday morning he walked to the nearest costume shop and rented the most skin covering suit he could find after the nun habit. And who would have thought it was probably the most ridicules after the first choice; a vivid fool.

It was obvious that this man wasn’t master of the weather because it was probably the most beautiful star night in a month. Thought it might have been a small plus to his day that he wasn’t walking in the rain and freezing in wet clothes. It was so nice night that some couples had also dissuade to walk at the restaurant or to the movies or where ever they were going. Blond woman leaned on her boyfriends arm as they laughed happily seeing only each others. He looked after them in envy.

When he walked towards the mansion in where the affair was hold he didn’t feel cheerful. Despite he had a hat with six bells, whole body costume with violet and red stripes and shoes like maharaja. He also had a mask to cover his eyes, which was most likely the only thing he was thankful right now. He didn’t want to go there, but he had to. He had to write his stupid name to that list so that his boss wouldn’t look at him with a wrong eye. He sighted and walked along hoping and wishing no-one wouldn’t recognise him or see true his disguise of how fragile he really felt.

It was night and dark again, dark like last night. He had stood in his flat, in fort of a mirror, stark naked and tiers in his eyes. Even as there weren’t any lights on, the spots on his skin could be seen perfectly. How these things always just happened to him, he had thought later laying on the floor naked, too tired to rise up.

What had happened earlier? How much earlier was more like the real question he needed the answer for. He was living in a lie like when he had lived still in home. He had left to study and later to work so that his parents wouldn’t find out his secret. They were very religious and would never except the fact that their oldest son liked men. It took long enough for him to admit it and accept. How long would it take for the whole family to accept him as whom he was. If he even knew that anymore. First he’d thought he was a freak of nature or weak or just insane or maybe all those three together.

Now he seemed to have enough to think of with out those questions.

What had made him think a bit differently, he wasn’t sure? Anything that great hadn’t happened if anything. Maybe he’d just accepted another lie to live with. It wasn’t working. He was hurting maybe more than ever. Last night he’d made one of many mistakes and got hit in a face. So what did he do? Went to drink his head full and get some comfort from a wrong place. Tape was pretty much empty until he woke up in pain under some guy he never met before. It didn’t felt so bad afterwards as he would have thought. Maybe it was because he had spent half of the time unconscious. Like it was the first time someone forced himself on him. He just wanted to be having some compassion, understanding from another guy, was it so hard to get?

He wrote his name on the list after stepping in. No-one didn’t pay much of an attention to him. Maybe he would just stay for five minutes and leave home to cuddle in misery that surely awaited him to return already.

In the middle of bright colours and funny costumes one stepped out so clearly that the others looked him like a black sheep. This man hadn’t dressed up for the occasion or at least that is how it looked like. He had a strange hair, completely grey if not silvery. Weakly Tatsumaru could see his profile. He wasn’t old as his hair led to understand. He couldn’t help put to stare.

He looked at him up and down and mostly down trying very hard to see what was under that suit. His heart stopped beating when he noticed he looked back at him, a bit amused look on his, oh so, handsome face. Yes, of course he was amused; after all he was wearing the fool’s suit. Tatsumaru looked away quickly.

What was he doing now, Tatsumaru questioned himself. He was supposed to put his name on the list, look around a bit and leave. Not to check out that angelic man who was so obviously straighter than a straight line between two dots. No, absolutely wrong, he wouldn’t do it again.

He looked back to the man to find him smiling back at him yet still. He swallowed hard, gave him a hasty smile and looked away. Come on, he couldn’t possibly look that funny. Or maybe the man had no sense of humour according to his choice of outfit. In the corner of his eye Tatsumaru could see him walking towards him. “…You don’t seem very cheerful for a king’s fool?”

It didn’t sound a brood’s line or what would he know Tatsumaru thought his heard razing. “Even the fool can get tried of being mocked at all the time, maybe I just had a bad day…”

“Let me guess… You are here because your boss practically blackmailed you to come, am I right?”

“…How did you guess…?”

“…Have some bad experiences about it and these events… I’m Rikimaru.” He gave him his hand and Tatsumaru accepted it.

“…Ayame.” He lied his name. He had no reason to do that or had he, he couldn’t decide. “For who are you here?”

“Actually I was supposed to be my friends date, but he’s late. Can’t probably dissuade what to wear. I… used to work as a lawyer and had to take part in here. How about you? Don’t remember you from the court?”

“Oh no… I’m just a simple stock market player, nothing fancy. …So that’s way you aren’t dressed…” He had already slipped it out before he realized.

“…Sorry, what?”

“I mean… you are not wearing a costume, are you?”

Tatsumaru could see he was considering something very hard. He didn’t look too much longer to find out was it a wicked smile as he pictured it or just plain; can’t believe you said that, you dump?

“…Sure I am…” Rikimaru said and opened his arms saying. “Guess…”

Oh yes, Tatsumaru thought, twirl around one more time and take your clothes of while you’re at it. He was almost lost somewhere around Rikimaru’s middle when he remembered the silly game. “…Um… hard to say… A brude?” He blushed when he finally looked up and noticed he’d been caught at staring.

“I give you a hint. I’m from a movie…”

“A brude form a movie… Let’s see…? FBI? CIA? No?...Men in black?”

Rikimaru just shook his head.

“…I know, Brat Bit from the movie Meet Joe black?”

“Now that you say it… Yeah, I could be…”

“So you don’t know what you are? That’s nice…”

“Keanu Reeves… From Devil’s lawyer. You know the one with Al Pacino?”

“Yeah… Al was… good… in that film…” Tatsumaru said first thinking of some other word to describe the man.

“Well, Reeves was cool anyways…” He pretended to be hurt and looked away.

Hot more probable, Tatsumaru thought and shamed right after that he was or more likely wasn’t thinking. A phone rand and it was his. “Excuse me, probably my date calling at last…” He said and Tatsumaru knew he would soon disappear. Suddenly he didn’t want him to go because he seemed by now so warm and gentle that he wanted to find out was he really so.

He put the phone away and he could tell he wasn’t pleased. “…My date just told me he hasn’t got anything to wear and isn’t gona come…”

Tatsumaru tried to cover his smile. He would have to thank God later on. “…Oh? That’s a shame, but makes two of us…”

“Guy like you and you don’t have a date? Why not?”

“…Long story…”

“Care to be my date for this evening?”

Hold on a second, Tatsumaru searched for the choice of words. Was the guy trying to be funny or was he honestly flirting with him?

“…Well why the hell not…” No harm in little bit of flirt.

“That’s more like it.”

“Maybe I won’t die now, before the midnight as I have someone to talk to…”

“My thoughts exactly…”

Soon all the quests were called in some scale small theatre and they were forced to watch some kind of a movie. No-one really got the hang of what was it about until the text reviled it was theirs host’s son who had made it in hopes of getting in to a valued art school. No-one said what they all were thinking; a lot of film would have been saved and the world would be a better place if that school would have taken bribes.

Tatsumaru and Rikimaru sat in a box with a married couple. After one hour they got pored and left leaving them alone. Tatsumaru knew that the other had made notice those two leaving. The box was quite well sheltered. Why was he thinking it? He felt restless being alone with him, which he knew was stupid. But it was the truth now wasn’t it? He was like a piece of cloth that anyone could use, when they wanted, how they wanted and not caring to listen if he had an opinion about it. Sometimes he felt like he would have a ‘whore’ tattooed across his face.

Tatsumaru sensed somehow that the other was going to say something before he had even opened his mouth. Well he’d been patient enough, Tatsumaru thought, and waited to hear some short of a line that told him to get on his knees and be a good boy.

His heart jumped in desperation more tired and sad than frightened. He didn’t look at him but could tell his tone was cold. The line had completely gone trough and trough until Tatsumaru picked on the pieces.

He had said. “This movie is so fucking killing my brain with a bland axe…This has to be illegal…”

It was Rikimaru’s luck that there were only left fifteen minutes of it. After which the quest were lead to the dining room that was full of little round tables for eight. It was a little late for to be having dinner but that didn’t really bother the rich and famous who had the time and money to play with their exotic foods.

Tatsumaru was grateful that the seats weren’t divided in forehand. It would have been awkward to explain it, if he’d just made up an excuse in time.

They were seated with three more guests. Large portion much have made a run up while they still played the movie, if you could call it that. There was a couple that had made clear they were just engaged before even sitting down. The woman constantly played with the ring, not smiling but contented that she’d catch such a big fish. She looked dangerous, like a shark, constantly looking for a smaller fish to chew. Not that she was hungry or needy but lived for the games she played.

Her husband to be didn’t seem very interesting, even thought you could see the same characteristics that you first saw in her. In love with him self, obsessed with power and so full of secrets that most certainly someone was blackmailing him. He sat lazily in his chair which seemed to be the opposite from her fiancée who was perfectly situated to her bottom like a model.

The third one of the croup was a single male in his twenties or thirties. He was dressed as a peacock and quite surprisingly this man seemed to have done it with style, despite all the feathers. He had no shame when it game to looking after a pretty skirt. Born with a gold spoon in somewhere. He probably had the Ferrari waiting for him at the stairs.

“So, what do you guys do?” The fiancé asked from Rikimaru and Tatsumaru.

“…We’re not actually working together…” Tatsumaru started. “But I’m in stock exchange and he’s…”

“…I practice law…”

“Oh dear, a lawyer, honey…” He said to his wife to be. “Don’t tell me you handle company maters, do you?”

“I used to, but I got bored to been bossed around…”

“Hear, hear!” Yelled the single chap in their table lifting up his class.

“Actually I have thought to start a business my self, but that it’s still unfortunately in child’s shoes…”

The man seemed interested. “All on your own?”

“Yes…?”

The man chuckled. “That’s tuff luck… Never going to work in this town, unless… you got some magnificent supporters…”

The woman knew something that he didn’t and made it clear by the tone of her voice. “But the new bright associate of the oldest law firm in town don’t need anyone to back him up, do you?” She smiled as it took some time to her husband to comprehend.

“…Former associate… I resigned, heard of it?”

“Better yet, I saw it.”

The two seemed to be so into this conversation that the others had no saying into it.

“You think I blew it all…”

“…Yes… Yes you did. But…” She leaned closer over the table just so she could show that this was inside information. “…It’s not like you ruined everything by doing what you did… In time they might let you crawl back.”

Tatsumaru wondered what had he done or how exactly had he resigned if half of the town knew it. Tatsumaru forgot all about that when he realized the woman was flirting with Rikimaru. How dared she, he thought furious although he had no claim on him. And what was worse, he was flirting back. All the fantasies he had had trough the evening famished in a thin air torn to pieces.

“Why are you telling me this?” Rikimaru asked smiling for her.

“I wouldn’t want to see a nice guy like you go to bad tracks… now would I? I think it was… how should I put it…?”

“Stupid and arrogant?”

She sighted. “…freshing.” She leaned back to her chair as they still looked at each other saying more to their eyes than with their words. Tatsumaru wasn’t the only one noticing that but her husband also made a note to it and rose from the table. The man that had drank his champagne just a while ago was now dosing at his head on the table. He was beginning to snore.

“Oh well yes, as interesting this is, my darling… I think we should leave…” He said while buttoning his jacket.

She rose up still smiling and Rikimaru and Tatsumaru rose up bowing politely as they left.

Tatsumaru waited that they were on their way before he spoke. “…It’s getting late, I should leave too…”

“…Um… You wanna share a taxi?” Rikimaru turned to him and caught him in a weak moment so he said yes.

They stood outside. Waiting for the taxi to arrive. Neither hadn’t said anything in a some time. It still was beautiful night.

“What a night…” Rikimaru said.

“Yeah…” He agreed annoyed for some reason. “…Weird night…”

“How come?” He stepped a stepped lower and turned a bit to see his face.

“…Just different, I guess… It’s not raining…” That wasn’t what he meant but said it anyway. “How could you…”

“I could what?”

“Flirt… with that woman… when his husband was sitting right between you…?”

“…There’s no harm a bit of flirt, is there?”

“…No, I guess not…”

“Besides I wanted them gone… I think I’m gona walk home… It’s not often you get to enjoy this…”

This surprised Tatsumaru. “…Walk? …But…”

“But what…?” Rikimaru grinned walking back the stairs to him staying only one step lower. “Did I get you jealous?”

For a moment Tatsumaru thought to kiss him and not just wait for him to do it. After Tatsumaru had already made his decision not to Rikimaru suddenly stepped away and slowly walked down the stairs. Tatsumaru was already regretting what he hadn’t done.

“You wanna walk?” Rikimaru managed to ask innocently.

River glittered in the moon light as they walked pass it. It was already midnight which surprised both. Time had been flying as they talked.

“…She wasn’t that bad, maybe just a bit rough on the edges… I have no luck in my relations…” Tatsumaru sighted finally. It was nice to tell someone who actually seemed to care about these things or him. That’s what he really needed; someone who cared. Even thought he wasn’t totally honest and left out the worst parts. He looked at the stone ground.

“…Can’t argue with that…” Rikimaru shears for his gaze and soon got it. “…People are not all like that, you know that right…?”

Tatsumaru wondered how could it be possible to fall in love in such a short time. He was way too amazing. Too amazing to like him, most likely, he thought and his heart skipped a beat as Rikimaru smiled to him. “Some how I find it hard to believe…”

Tatsumaru lent against him slightly while walking. Rikimaru sure seemed a nice guy and Tatsumaru would have not wanted to miss lead him, but what could he do now to make it right. Would he get angry if he tried to make a first move?

If it just weren’t for the stupid dress, Tatsumaru cursed in his mind. Then again it was nice to have some attention other then being mistaken as a slut or deal with men who forcefully groped you all around and were pretty much as gentle between the sheets. Were all the men bastards or was it just something about him that made them act that way, he thought.

Tatsumaru walked to lean a railing and watched how ship trailed by. He shivered, it was middle of the summer but the wind was cold.

“You cold?”

“…Just a little…” He looked to Rikimaru who slowly wrapped him in his hug giving Tatsumaru many possibilities to refuse it. “…I… I have never been here before…” Tatsumaru said just trying to keep his mind busy. He was totally captured by the other man’s way to behave. He wasn’t sleazy or anything like that. Even the way he’d come close to him, leaning on Tatsumaru’s back, was confident and sexy but still so asking and discreet compared. He tried not to think of the lovely sensation the other body was giving to him.

“…Oh?”

“It’s a… beautiful place…” Tatsumaru hoped the other couldn’t see him blushing as breath tickled his ear and cheek. His heard had started pounding more rabidly.

“I walk past this nearly every day… to my work…”

“What is that?”

“I’ll teach martial arts, nothing in particular and bit of everything a bit…”

“…I’ve taken a class or two… but I’m afraid I’m not very good…”

He was so, warm, he thought to put it in his brain.

“You don’t do that anymore?”

“…What?”

“Go practise…?”

“Oh… not since I moved here, haven’t got the time…”

His hands felt, nice, on his waist and arms, he thought. The other didn’t say anything for answer and so Tatsumaru stopped talking too. He was afraid he was babbling. He really couldn’t tell. He should stop this before he ended up with a fist in his face or drowned to the river.

He thought maybe he should say something but then settled to lean his back closer to the source of warmness the move causing shivers not entirely caused by the warm. This was war from friendly walk by the river, he thought, not that he’d wanted it to be one anymore. They sifted slightly. Tatsumaru couldn’t let the opportunity famish and by sifting pulled his lower body against his.

Inside his head his mind screamed to stop this but instead he leaned his head to the side to look at him. He looked back and that was all he had to do as Tatsumaru already was kissing him. Not as passionate as he would have wanted, but gently nipping.

Quickly the kiss deepened and by instinctually Tatsumaru rubbed his backside against Rikimaru’s crotch who then backed away swallowing hard.

“Babe…I’m not into public places, but if you keep doing that…”

What was he doing, he panicked. First he flirts, drags along and now even made a move on him. How could he take his clothes of in front of him? Tatsumaru smiled because he didn’t know what else to do and then kissed him again.

His mind crossed paths seeing no end. He wanted the man like no other before. He seemed safe and nice enough, but Tatsumaru had made so many false judgements before that he didn’t trust himself anymore. Besides he was ashamed how he looked. He had to tell him. Just had to.

He was going to say it. “…You… live far…?”

---

“Sorry about the mess…” Rikimaru said tossing his keys on the table. The house of in awful shape; really, why didn’t Ayame clean more often?

Tatsumaru eyed the hallway while Rikimaru helped him out of his jacket. He didn’t really see the chaos of newspapers, advertisement and shoes; it all happened too much in his head.

“You want something…?”

“No…”

Tatsumaru walked onward to the living room. “Nice apartment…You live alone…”

“My roomie is work at this weekend, undercover or something, she’s a cop…”

“My cousin is a cop too…” Why had he said that? “…Never mind about that…”

He found himself in a gentle embrace, Rikimaru kissing his neck. “..You changed your mind?”

“…Why would I?”

He could just suck him off hope that he would settle for that. Besides it wouldn’t be a bad deal. Even the picture of him panting in ecstasy while his cock was in his mouth was pure bliss and he wouldn’t ever have to know.

“…I dunno… you seem unsure…”

“…I do…?”

Tatsumaru turned around meeting his lips. He didn’t notice that Rikimaru’s hand was on his cheek and when he noticed it was already too late. Rikimaru felt the powder slipping off his face and mark his fingers. Under it he saw was a purple, bruised skin.

Tatsumaru pulled away quickly and covered his cheek with a hand. “Don’t look at me…!” He had turned away and as Rikimaru tried to come closer, he sifted uncomfortably. It was happening again, Tatsumaru thought. Why had he put himself to this situation again? Didn’t he ever learn? Was this the life he’d left home for? He was living in a daily misery keeping his appearance intact, but what now as he couldn’t take it anymore. He had lost himself in a way to find himself. He felt his eyes wet and thought; oh no.

“…Hey… What’s wrong…?”

Tatsumaru forced a weak smile on his lips. “…Me… I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me… I just don’t know why, did I come here… Maybe to get some comfort and feel… wanted. …But… But…”

“It’s okay...” Rikimaru had sat on the couch arm. “I’ll go and put the kettle on…” He was on the kitchen before Tatsumaru got to stop him. “…you know…! …I haven’t actually been quite honest… to you…” He fallowed him to the kitchen.

“About what…?”

“…My name is not really Ayame… It’s… Tatsumaru…” Strange Tatsumaru thought, what had suddenly made him trust to this man?

“…What else?”

“…I hate this stupid stress…” He took off his cloves.

“Oh? ….Why?”

“…Maybe I don’t… maybe it’s just… I don’t think I can talk about this…Sorry…”

“…Are you sorry about that bruise too…” Tatsumaru quickly looked at him but felt it very pressing and looked away with out a word. “…If you boyfriend is abusing you, you should leave him…?”

“…Not my boyfriend… ex-friend who I made a move on…” It was embarrassing to talk about this. But some weird way it felt relaxing and so he told him everything. Told him about how he left home and game to town to start a new, honest life, but couldn’t find the courage to do that openly. And how his longest one-night relationships failed terribly as there was something terribly wrong about them or he just seemed easy to abuse. He told how he tolerated that because he wanted to.

“…You want them to hurt you?”

“No… I just… don’t wanna be alone… not all my life at least. You know… I don’t want to be… one who never gets anything…” He sighted and stared at the table for few seconds. “Could I clean up a bit…?”

“The bathroom is on the right…” He pointed the corridor.

“Thanks…”

---

Next morning when Tatsumaru wake up on the couch, he couldn’t first remember where he was. It wasn’t often that he spend a night somewhere else than in his own flat. Trough to be told he had never felt safe enough to fall a sleep when more or less strangers were close. Then he remembers what had happened. Had he really said all those things to another person? And he had really listened. Let him stay for the night, because it was raining outside or was it pity. It was raining still and the morning was dark even as it was Sunday.

He looked at the dress on the floor. It looked stupid even as it had no shape anymore. It looked like an old mat. It would have been a good joke if it hadn’t ended so cynical. For a moment he wondered what was he wearing if the dress was on the floor, but didn’t interest to that feeling the loan t-shirt and pyjamas on his skin and remembering the other giving them to him.

Some slight movement got his attention and he found him sleeping on the other sofa. No, he wasn’t sleeping; he had his eyes open on him. What might have he been thinking, he couldn’t read it in his eyes that looked darker than yesterday. “…Thanks for letting me sleep here…”

“…It’s still raining… go to sleep, clock is only six in the morning…” He rose up, yawned and pulled a hand trough his hair so it spiked up.

Rikimaru rose up walking across the room to listen his phone messages. Tatsumaru couldn’t help but to make a mental note that he was walking shirtless in pyjamas that nearly tripped down off his waist despite the fact that the waist band wasn’t loose. The guy had said he trained martial artists, but still that body structure was a felony to his eyes. He had a perfect smooth skin that suited him… well like a skin.

Rikimaru hang up the phone and came to lean the sofas back supporter from behind the sofa on which Tatsumaru was laying and looked down at him. “…What?” He smiled as Tatsumaru kept looking at him.

“…I… I should leave… You are probably busy…”

“On Sunday? No…”

Tatsumaru idly caressed Rikimaru’s hand as it lazily laid on the sofa. “…It accrued to me that… last night, all we talked about was me…you told nothing about your demons…do you even have any…?”

“…Just a one big spook… in a closet…” He stirred his fingers gently as Tatsumaru played with them. “…Now what’s really going on in that head of yours…?”

“…You’re so amazing… different…and… cute…”

“Tatsumaru… I’ve just broken up with someone. I don’t think I could think about dating in anytime soon…”

“I don’t wanna date…What I want is you, share with me little of that warmness you have… ”

Tatsumaru rose up to sit and hastily kissed Rikimaru. He was sure his jaw was shaking and hands were too. He could feel how he pushed him back on the sofa. He opened his eyes a bit realizing that he had climbed over the supporter and was now kneeling over him. Tatsumaru catch that dark gloom in Rikimaru’s eyes again before he closed his own to be kissed once more.

This strange man took it slow when he would have wanted for once to rush. He would be gentler than the others he had been with. He would care for him as a person and not just a thing to fuck. Maybe later they’d be friends, acquaintances or not even that, but that wouldn’t matter much right now.

When Rikimaru took him to his room he took his time to admire him standing on the floor waiting, as he pulled the covers off. For some reason Rikimaru felt small tingle of guilt. What was that, he thought holding him again as the other kissed his neck. He let his hand wonder down Tatsumaru’s long black hair as Tatsumaru himself was getting lower on his chest. Rikimaru thought he couldn’t think like that, no way he could. Love, sex, hurt and comfort – If someone was watching them from above it sure had sadistic pleasures. Something warm and wet played with his navel. The same sensation licked down until the waist band and he felt hands pulling his pants down.

If Tatsumaru was timid and unsure most of the time, he certainly wasn’t that in bedroom. Instead of letting him do whatever he wanted, Rikimaru pulled him up and placed him on the bed following him. “…Just lay back and relax… let me do all the work…” If Rikimaru had wanted to be loved just a few moths ago, he certainly would have remembered how it felt. Without doubt, he knew, he hadn’t forgotten just given up ever finding that fulfilment. Why did people want to be loved so badly? They really should find a cure to it.

He pealed his own shirt of Tatsumaru revealing something that made Tatsumaru blush in shame. Some parts of his skin were slightly reddish like burn injuries and above the waistband there were bruises. The purple-black-spots formed finger tips, some of the bruises probably being under the fabric still. How could he let someone do this to him, he thought all most angry for him. He wanted to make him feel better. Not ashamed or badly treated. The man didn’t hold himself in value of and that would have to change.

He gently brushed lips over his kissing his way in to his mouth. He’d be considerate and make him feel valued maybe even loved for this soon passing Sunday.