Chapter Seven: Forbidden Love
She was sure he could feel her staring. He turned slowly and she saw him take in a deep breath upon seeing her in a new uniform. She leaned against the nearest doorway and peeked inside. There was no one to be found. The Circle mages certainly had more free space and privacy, granted most of it was storage, but it was a privacy she had not experienced as an apprentice.
"Oh, um, h-hello," Cullen managed to say finally.
"Hello, Cullen," she said pleasantly, knowing she was driving him mad. She crossed her arms and raised her hip in an alluring stance. "Why are you stuttering?"
"What? I- I'm fine. I … uh, was glad to see your Harrowing went smoothly. I'm... uh, just glad you're all right, you know." He was so nervous and she found it endearing.
"Would you have really struck me down?" she asked, trying to figure out the truth.
"I would've felt terrible about it. But... uh... but I serve the Chantry and the Maker, and I will do as I am commanded." He said this a little shamefully as he glanced at her neck.
"Are you...
busy right now?" she asked, knowing he would take the hint.
"Uh... uh, yes. Maybe we can talk another time," he replied distantly, his eyes darting around for templars or other mages.
"But... I'd really like to see you in private, templar... it's
important," she stated firmly, selling the cover in case anyone was listening. She walked into the nearby room she had peeked into earlier. It was just a book-room. She searched around the stacks for any company and found none. She looked down at her outfit and pulled her top down a bit, exposing a bit of cleavage. She knew it was probably a bad idea, but she yearned for him. This sort of business was risky during the day. However, she thought perhaps she needed him, in case the whole thing with Jowan really screwed things up and she was imprisoned, put into solitary confinement or worse.
The soft candle light barely filled this room. There were no windows here, only a single candle burning in its holder on the wall. It seemed like a perfect moment to cut loose a little further, though she did not want to make him uncomfortable. She knew they must be careful, lest things go too far and it became a regret. The last thing she wanted was to be his regret.
Cullen looked around several times before deciding to enter. When he came in, he shut the door behind him, locking it, though they both knew that would do neither of them any good if someone of importance came looking. She stared at him as she stood next to the light. His eyes traveled across her face and drifted to her partially exposed bosom, resting there for a moment. He forced his eyes back up to her face, smiling weakly like a gentleman.
"You've been talking about me," she stated, quirking an eyebrow. "The apprentices won't shut up about it. Apparently there's some sort of rumor that we..."
She could not bear to finish her statement with the innocence in his face radiating such an adorable blush. Lita never felt such irritation and longing at the same time. She tried to ignore the craving for his lips as she began again.
"I got...
propositioned on my way here... I'm sure it's all that babbling you do to your templar brethren..." she continued as she rubbed her temples.
"I... My...
what?" Cullen shook his head in disbelief, his face an intense red.
"You're going to get me thrown in the holding cells, you know... I don't think I want to be in solitary again. You should be more careful," she grumbled, her eyebrows knitting together. She glared at him, wishing he was better at hiding his feelings for her in front of others. And yet at the same time, she wanted him to express his feelings for her regardless of who was present. Such conflicting thoughts brewed in her mind. "Why would you say such things? Are you trying to get us caught for certain?"
"B-but-but I... I was only admiring y-your c-control over your p-p-power..." he nervously tried to reason with the upset mage. He raised his arms in front of him defensively. "You-you're... different, Lita. I... I-I just thought th-that you... d-deserved the-the p-praise. I'm not trying to- How could you even-" He sighed in frustration at his failing explanation and sheepishly formed a tiny smile. "I would certainly end up in the holding cell beside you if that were the case... They would punish me as well, Lita. "
She found herself smiling at his words during the silence that followed them. Her grumpiness of earlier events left her and she felt only burning desire in her soul.
"I doubt they would punish us by putting us so close together... Not to say I would mind the cells so much if you were with me..." She gazed into his eyes and grinned at him, unable to hide her happiness. "I'm always impressed with your flattery, Cullen. But please, stop doing it if I'm not present. I'd really like to hear such wonderful compliments from
you..." "I'm sorry... " Cullen said with embarrassment. "It's just... You... are... very courageous... talented... beautiful... "
"Go on, please," she mentioned seductively as she stepped closer.
"You... are t-truly a special w-woman," he stuttered as he watched her draw near. "I have never seen such quick Harrowing. I only wish I-I would not have messed things up..."
"You make my life better all the time," she mumbled, touching her scar as her seductive attitude faltered for a moment. "What's one mistake? I could... never hold it against you..."
'My body is aching for him...' she thought in distress.
'But... I wonder if he can feel my heartbeat. What am I doing? What are we doing? Is this really happening?' She moved her hand from her scar to his stubble-ridden chin and they both froze, not knowing how to make a further move. A heavy weight sat in her chest as she bit her lower lip. She knew the should not squander the time; it could be the last time in a long while. There was no telling what Greagoir would do to ensure that they would no longer get the opportunity to speak in private again. Her stomach crawled with fluttering butterflies, the tingling sensation within traveling lower as the sexual tension hung thick in the air. Lita sought to break it before she did something rash and foolish; she took her hand back to her side, regaining some sense.
"I... can't believe I passed," she breathed.
"I can. You're... one of a kind, Lita Amell. You're...
stronger than any other m-mage I have met," Cullen responded dreamily. There was a silence hanging between them as the candle beside Lita began to flicker, a frosty air circling it. Cullen raised his eyebrows as she forced the small spell to a halt.
"I'm sorry. It... slipped out,"she apologized. "Probably has something to do with all this...
Well, you feel it, don't you? It's always here... charging the air between us and burning beneath our skins like fire."
He stepped back, raising one eyebrow and darting his eyes away. "I... h-have no idea what you... what you're talking about... Um..."
"Cullen..." she trailed in exasperation. She had a sinking feeling that something bad was going to happen to her today. Even if what she had with Cullen was messy and forbidden, it was the only thing that seemed to make sense and feel right. "I... need you. "
His face melted into a saddened display. He could not and she knew that, but she also knew he wanted to. She could still feel the tension in the air, her chest swelling with fear and anticipation. Was she really willing to go so far? Was he?
"Lita..." he breathed slowly, letting the name hang on his lips.
A whisper escaped her lips, barely audible. Water began to fill her eyes as she realized what was overtaking her. "I... I... love you."
His eyes widened in surprise and he took in a deep breath, letting the silence fill where words failed. He watched the tears of honesty make silvery trails down her cheeks. She knew he loved her too. He mumbled something as a redness swallowed his entire face yet again. The tension was at its breaking point.
"Lita Amell, I... love you. You are... truly worth the risk," he said carefully, each word full of affection.
She could bear this no longer. Lita moved towards him quickly, wrapping her arms around his neck. She stepped upon her tiptoes and thrashed her lips against his passionately. Cullen stiffened at her sudden movements but softened his posture when her tongue slipped into his mouth. He put his arms around her back and lowered his face so she would no longer need to reach for him. He was close, just as she needed. She glided her hands down his neck, savoring the feel of it. They traveled down his armor smoothly, wishing for a warmer contact. She bit his lip playfully and sucked on it.
Cullen took a deep breath through his nose as one of his gloved hands reached for her face, touching it with cold metal but not able to feel the skin it yearned for. She felt her breasts pressing against the cold and jutting steel of his breastplate as she moved in even closer, letting their lips and tongues melt together. Nothing needed to be said because both knew what the other wanted. It was a desire of the body, one they were both supposed to acknowledge and ignore. Denying themselves the pleasure was supposed to make them stronger but Lita found herself displeased with the results of living in such a way. She moved her face upwards, breaking the kiss and allowing rapid breaths to be taken by both sides. Cullen bent and sunk his face into the meeting place of her neck and right shoulder, pushing her hair behind her shoulder and out of the way.
He did not stop to breathe as she thought he would, but he placed his lips upon her and began to caress her skin with the moist warmth of his tongue. She let her head loll backwards, allowing him to move about her neck freely. She felt his strong arms fumbling with his gloves behind her back. She twisted her fingers in his curly brown hair as she forced herself to remember how to breathe. He trailed small kisses up her neck and along her jaw, ultimately touching his lips to hers once again. He was so soft and gentle until Lita pushed her tongue inside his sweet mouth, raging with hormones that had been building for years. He welcomed her endeavors and returned the action with the same zeal. As their tongues danced and tasted one another over and over, she heard the clank of his gauntlets hitting the floor. Thick, strong hands pressed against her back and massaged it lovingly.
Lita pulled her face away for a moment and kissed his lips lightly once more before speaking.
"Cullen, I..."
"Shh..." he whispered, looking down upon her with a serious expression. He took the staff from behind her waist and leaned it against the wall nearby, keeping his eyes glued to her face. Her chest quivered with apprehension, wondering if he would be with her now like she had wanted for the last few years. Not long after, she found herself wondering how his bulky armor came off, if there was possibly a latch or something.
He placed his lips to her forehead delicately. "Please, turn around a moment."
She did as he ordered, though he was polite and she was not eager to stop staring. There was a smile on his features as she turned her back to him reluctantly. She listened carefully, hearing clicks and pangs from his armor. Her heart pounded, listening for the thud she craved to hear. Forcing her eyes to the darkness of the shelves before her, she felt the rush of adrenalin coursing through her body, waiting for the moment when she could turn to face him again. She heard the clatter of two pieces of metal falling to the floor, sounding heavy, but did not hold the thick clank she had hoped for. She was about to turn when she heard the soft clanking and grinding of metal against chain. She paused and listened as a heavy item was gently placed on the floor. There was a slight scraping sound reminiscent of his sword. Could it really be that he would go so far?
No longer able to contain herself, she spun around. Cullen stood before her with kind eyes, noticeably embarrassed. His chestplate and greatsword were discarded carefully behind him and his shoulder guards were tossed carelessly nearby. She found herself blushing as he stepped forward. He had his familiar purple robes swishing between his legs and a normally unseen chainmail tunic beneath them. She could feel herself gasp as he untied the sash holding his violet robes. The three sections fell below him. He looked quite ridiculous in the chainmail remaining and Lita found herself smiling, containing a small giggle. It covered his legs and torso entirely, stopping just past his elbows. It looked like a dress of small, pretty linked steel pieces. She wondered how he could hold up such a heavy-looking uniform every day without fail. The chainmail alone would be far too much for her to carry around. Feeling his will as he gave a weak cough, she gave him some privacy and shied from him once again, though she was lost in thought.
The sound of the chainmail sliding over his body, over his head and eventually dropping to the floor was enough to drive her crazy. It set her on edge, a chill overcoming her body.
'This... This is it! He's... he's naked and I...' she almost let her thoughts run wild when his strong hand gripped her bare shoulder lightly. She shivered at his touch, moving her body slowly to take in the sight. Her eyes locked onto his and drifted slowly down his body. Her faced scrunched in annoyance as she did so.
"How much armor do they have your
wear?" She could not silence the thought before it escaped her lips. He he wore a pair of hide pants and plated boots. Though Lita was slightly disappointed and frustrated by the excess of clothing, she nearly collapsed as she looked upon his bare chest, riddled with a small amount of chest hair. Her annoyance turned into bliss and eagerness. His muscles were not excessively bulging, but they were certainly well-defined after years of training, discipline and carrying around cumbersome armor.
"Enough to make this difficult. As... each piece comes off, I-I find myself more and more conflicted, Lita. What I'm doing is...
wrong... but, um... Well, I..." He shook his head back and forth, unable to say what he needed to.
Lita took the liberty of stepping towards him. His pale skin held an orange glow in the candlelight and looked welcoming to the touch. He stepped backwards as she advanced on him, his eyebrows raising and eyes troubling themselves with second thoughts. He bumped into a desk and tripped, catching himself by leaning onto its top with his forearms. She smiled at the visible nerves he emitted as she came within reach of him. Carefully, she held out her right arm and stopped her hand before it touched his chest. It was trembling furiously. She stared intently at it, willing it to move either towards her desire or back to her side; it would not budge. Cullen lifted a cautious arm to meet hers. He slipped his hand on top of her trembling one and squeezed it tightly as it clasped the tips of his fingers in return.
She thought for a moment he would push her back and reclaim his armor, forgetting this nonsense and resuming his patrol. However, men had their limits, just as women did, like Lita did. She had known that there was a line that, if crossed, there would be no turning back from. It was different for everyone, though she knew exactly what it took for her to pass the point of no return. It had happened only once before, but she had been a young teenager and very eager to explore his shape. None of his armor was removed then and she had scared him off with her raw passion and filthy talk. Where she had learned to say such vile and sexual things, she could not remember, though the tower was full of mages who sought companionship with one another: sporadic companionship, that is to say. It could have been from any mage in this tower. She had learned self-control since then, of course, so her tolerance was higher, but could feel her will bending for desire.
He stared at her with a conflicted expression as she fought against her wild craving for him. It felt so primal, so natural to want, though she knew she had to deny herself and it was maddening. A quick forceful tug from his arm pulled her forward. Her chest fell against his, one hand bracing herself for the impact by gripping his shoulder and the other still firmly clutching his fingertips. The feeling was intoxicating; it made her shiver with anticipation and desire. She gazed into his eyes and found herself lost. She had no idea how to proceed from here or what to do with herself. She was nervous that for all of her talk, she really knew nothing of sex. But she was not alone.
Cullen's chest was moving up and down, just as rapidly as hers was. He curled his chest up so he could move to a sitting position comfortably. In doing so, he brought Lita back to her feet, which she was both disappointed and grateful for.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled quietly. "That was a mistake."
Lita shook her head, bending over to bring her face to his. She was well aware her bosom was directly in his field of vision and that was the way she wanted it. He gulped as his eyes fell upon her chest and rested there dreamily.
"No, it wasn't, Cullen," she whispered, sitting upon his lap carefully. She wrapped her arms around his neck and planted a simple kiss upon his lips before continuing her thought. "I want you more than anything right now. "
"Lita, I care for you... deeply. I want to know that this is the right thing... B-but I..."
"We can't know if it is right or not. Does it
feel right to you, Cullen?" She grazed the side of his face with her fingertips as she hunched her back with some disappointment, fearing his answer.
"It... does," he responded cautiously.
He rubbed his hands across her back and sides in loving circular motions. She responded positively, perking her shoulders and letting her head arc backwards. She smiled at him as she lifted her head and moved her quivering hands to the material covering her arms and chest. She gripped at the cloth with tightly clenched fists but could not will herself to move them further. She got to her feet and turned away from him, walking towards the dark stacks of books. Cullen sat for a moment, utilizing the moment to take off his heavy boots. He tried to move as quickly as possible, as he was just as eager as he was nervous to be in this situation.
Lita twirled around slowly to face him again, her hair covering her bosom once more. She found it hard to disrobe in front of him. After all, it was just one piece that needed to come off before she would be mostly exposed. She wasn't sure how to feel about this part of the scenario. She felt awkward in her robes when he was halfway to being nude, but she was certain she would feel more awkward once the clothing was removed. She would be exposed; he would see every flaw on her. He would see her for everything she was.
'He'll see my... nipples and my... Oh Maker...' she gulped as the nervousness corrupted her mind.
'What if they're too small? What if my nipples are weird? What if he doesn't like my thing? What if I'm deformed in some way and I don't even know it? I mean, am I supposed to look a certain way down there or are we all generic? Oh, what am I talking about? He's a templar. He wouldn't know what a woman looks like naked... Would he? Should I ask him? No... No, that would be stupid. I don't really look at naked women. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling so self-conscious right now if I did... Huh! What if I'm just abnormally huge inside and he can't feel a thing? They say that's possible for loose women! What do they mean by loose? Is it something you're born with? What if I'm loose? What happens then? What do I do? He's going to laugh at me. I heard it hurts a lot before it feels good. Is he going to stab me with something sharp when he starts? I mean, our parts are going to fit together like a puzzle, like the Maker intended. It's what we exist for, essentially. Oh, no... He's staring. I've been too quiet. No, I'm too worried now. I can't do this.' He made his way to her slowly. Before she could utter a protest of continuation, he held her close in an embrace. Her fears and worries seemed to melt away as they stood there. She nuzzled her face towards his jaw, moving it aside for her to kiss. His lips found their way to hers and they massaged their tongues against one another. His fingertips traced her bare shoulders down to where the fabric began to cover her. He let his hands linger upon it as she teased him with a playful bite on his bottom lip. A small moan escaped from his throat as he fervently thrashed his lips against hers, letting his tongue explore the insides of her mouth.
His hands grasped at her shoulders and sensually rubbed the cloth further down her arms. The material around her chest began to move downwards as well. It seemed almost natural as she helped the process move along. She felt her breath waning as the cloth fell from her waist. As the two separated, she felt his eyes upon her in the dim light, his hands exploring the clasp at her back that would release one of the last bits of clothing. She decided to assist with this part after comprehending that he was having difficulties. The constricting fabric of her strapless bra fell to the floor. He gazed upon her chest and took in the sight, much like she had taken in the sight of his. She embraced him quickly to hide the growing embarrassment inside her mind.
"You're beautiful," he said softly, understanding she was trying to hide. "Everything about you is beautiful. You... don't have to be afraid to show me."
Her thigh brushed against his leg. She also felt a hardened lump pressing against her as she moved very close to him. It made the blood rush to her face and made her freeze, afraid to move. He felt the sensation as well, of course. He let a small gasp of surprise and pleasure escape his lips. She tugged at the tie to his pants and began undoing the strings. He was soon helping her, happy to be out of them. She kissed him passionately as he kicked them off of his pale muscular legs. They hugged each other once again; there was barely any clothing between them now and both could not contain their excitement. She felt the lump again, which was now larger than just a lump and was poking out of his underwear at her waist. They continued to kiss one another sweetly and passionately as they slowly sank to the floor. He gently lowered her, making sure she would be comfortable. She removed her last bit of clothing as he removed his and he hesitantly pushed his chest against hers, kissing her neck sweetly in between whispers of his love for her over and over again.
"Lita, you-you're so gorgeous. I promise I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life," he breathed with the sincerest look in his eyes. He tilted his head back to look at her in all of her natural beauty and smiled with an awed expression.
She looked at him and then at his grown appendage with apprehension and embarrassment building strongly in her chest. She had never actually seen the male figure behind all of the clothing and so she now found herself gawking. She forced her eyes to his face and smiled, a fear in her mind staining her perfect moment. Why was she so terrified?
"And I will cherish this moment, Cullen. You are a handsome and wonderful man." She seemed ready to add something to that, but hesitated. She ran her fingers up and down his back nervously. "I..."
"What is it?" he asked when she did not continue her thought, gently tracing the line of her neck and following it down to rest just above her breasts. It must have taken a lot of self control to keep his hands where they were, for he bit his lip anxiously.
"I'm sorry," she chuckled. "I just... I'm nervous, I guess. I'm not usually this awkward but... you are my first, Cullen. Please... Be gentle, okay?"
"Of course, Lita," he said, sounding relieved. He smiled warmly at her with his nerves.
He kissed her softly as she moved his shaking hands over her breasts. She forced them to squeeze and touch the softness there. He was taken by surprise and tensed at the forcefulness of her grip. He soon relaxed when he realized what she had done. Her arms slipped silently around his back and hugged him close to her. He jerked forward, leaning one hand on the floor to steady himself; it snaked around the back of her neck and held her lovingly as she laid back receptively on the floor. Slowly, she slid her right hand around his side and to his stomach. It seemed to travel on its own down to his most hidden area. She traced her fingertips along it uncertainly and then gripped its tip loosely in her palm. She watched as his face lit with pleasure, his mouth opened wide in shock and his body froze with tension. Her nerves died down as she released her grip and hugged him close to her affectionately. She kissed his cheek lightly and stifled a laugh. It was empowering to know she could do something so minuscule and it had a huge impact.
He pressed his lips to hers charmingly. Her legs, which had been somewhat clenched together in embarrassment, began to part. He was on top of her now and he pressed all of himself against her as they continued a passionate and tender embrace. She broke away and buried her face into his right shoulder as he positioned himself properly to begin the act. The sensation seemed so beckoning to her, so lusting. She wanted more than just the feeling of its very tip. She looked into his eyes as he gazed into hers. Her hands moved towards the back of his hips and pushed gently, signaling him to move further. As soon as he pushed further, she folded her arms around his back and clutched at his shoulders. A searing agony ripped inside of her where they were consolidating their feelings for one another. She let out a brief cry of pain and tried to breathe normally. He froze and stared at her, concern dripping from his features.
"Should we stop?" he asked in a worried rush of a whisper.
"No," she managed to say. She was taking short rapid breaths, trying to work through it. Her eyes were half closed as she tilted her head back to rest on the floor. "Never... Just... It hurts... I'll be okay. Just... Slowly. Don't stop. Make sure to keep me quiet." She winked at him.
She smiled as the pain receded and a warm tingle that was somewhat pleasurable surfaced and began to mix with the waters of discomfort. Her tense grip released him and she rubbed his back where she had dug into him with her nails. She nodded at him to continue. As he pushed into her again, the pain returned with greater exuberance. She let her fingers dig into him as the ache consumed her, drowning out the pleasure completely. Another moan of pain slipped out rather loudly and he quietly began to coo soothing words to her. He did not stop, just as she had asked. It was excruciating, unlike the stinging and burning of her neck the night before, but it was necessary. She wanted this; she felt as though she needed it. A warm blissful delight mixed with the ache tearing her apart inside and she began to become numb to the pain. She could only breathe and heave her chest and kiss her sweet templar over and over to keep the feeling of love from turning into pure discomfort and pain. Lita allowed her hips to thrust in sync with his as she felt the passion growing in her heart. She loved this man more than anything and he loved her, even if it was forbidden.
The candle on the wall was consumed by a frosty aura and the room became shrouded in darkness. Their breathing and increasingly louder grunts and moans of indulgence seemed insignificant to the rest of the world.
