The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: "In all others, all she loves is being in love." (Byron)

"I brought you something. I thought you would like it."
Hayden took the package that Kaidan offered her, and opened it slowly. Gifts were one of the things that always bothered her, she was never sure how to handle them. In consequence, she usually ended up doing completely the wrong thing. She pulled off the top of the box, pulled out the small, clear crystal that lay within. She frowned for a moment.
Kaidan turned down the lights, moved her so that she was facing the wall, and turned on the small flashlight in his hands.
"Oh!"
The light hit the crystal, splitting into hundreds of colorful little sparkles that danced on the wall. "It's just a cute toy, but for some reason it made me think of you."
She watched the lights dance as she turned the crystal in her hands. The spray of color was distracting, but suddenly what he had said struck her. "Why?" She turned and looked at him in confusion.
"Because it's beautiful."
She was too shocked to react to his words.
Kaidan smiled and pulled her into his arms, bent his head down to hers for a kiss. She put her arms on his shoulders, let him encircle her with his arms, kissed him with her whole body.
"If you think I'm beautiful, then why won't you have sex with me?"
Kaidan smiled wryly. "Is that all you want from me?"
She looked down in confusion. "I don't know what else to ask for."
Kaidan kissed her again, felt her thrill to his touch. "I want more from you than just one night, Hayden."
Hayden didn't answer, instead cradling her head against his broad chest. Listened to his heartbeat. Wondered what to say, or do. She held up the crystal, watched it spin and thought about Kaidan thinking about her. "Can I kiss you again?" Strangely shy.
"Of course."
She pulled his face down to hers, kissed him softly and sweetly. "Thank you for thinking of me."
"You wouldn't have liked it," he smiled. "My family is really annoying." A shadow crossed his face at the memory, but he chased away and looked at the small, beautiful woman in his arms.
Hayden was playing with the crystal again. Her face was unnervingly still but her ice blue eyes moved rapidly, staring at the crystal in her hands, random things in the room, everything except Kaidan.
"Hayden?"
"You're different," she said softly. "Why are you so different? Why aren't you like everyone else?" She looked at him, his face, but didn't meet his eyes. "I never know what to say to you."
"Just say what you want, Hayden. Be honest with me."
She sighed, looked at the crystal that he had given her strangely. Hayden stepped away from him, put the box and the crystal on the table. "Okay, then. I ended up having sex with Liara while you were gone." She put her hands behind her back, and stared at the floor.
"What?" Kaidan watched her, saw her eyes flicker towards the pretty crystal when she thought he wasn't watching. "Why?"
Hayden shrugged. "I felt like it."
Kaiden shook his head. "No, why are you telling me?"
Her eyes flicked up, met his for a second before she looked away again. "I don't know."
"No, Hayden, there's more to it than that. You know there is."
She shook her head. "I did it because it was fun. But when it was over..." her voice trailed off into silence. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "You're angry, aren't you?"
"Not with you."
Hayden looked up at him, saw the truth in his eyes. "I still should have told her to leave. I shouldn't have done it." She went back to staring at the floor, trying to figure out what she was feeling.
"No, you shouldn't have," he said quietly. Kaidan watched her, not quite sure what she was holding back. "Are you going to do it again?" he asked finally.
She shook a little. "I don't think so."
"Think?" he said sharply.
"Do you want me to lie and say no? You said to be honest, so I am." She closed her eyes, fought back the rage warring with her sense of shame. "I don't want to. But it's very hard to resist a naked Asari in your bedroom." Rage flared inside her, almost uncontrollable for a second. She choked it back, tightened her hands around each other behind her back. Forced herself to stand still.
Kaidan watched her, took a step closer.
Hayden moved away from him, her eyes still on the floor. Shook her head.
"Hayden. Look at me."
She shook her head again, began pacing the room. "I can't."
"You're angry with me."
She stood still at that, processed the unfamiliar emotions coursing through her.
Kaidan walked up to her, took her hands in his. "Talk to me, Hayden. Tell me what's wrong."
The rage surged inside her again, and she ripped her hands away from him. Stalked around the room again, trying to keep her fury in check. Suddenly the words spilled out, before she had a chance to stop them. "You have a family. You left me for them, you left me alone, and you didn't - you don't even love them! You didn't even want to go! All I had was Trace, and he's gone, and I'll never see him again, ever! And you - you just - It's not fair!" The last words, screamed, shocked her as much as it did him. Hayden hadn't spoken her brother's name for years. Before she could stop herself, she had picked up the lamp, hurled it across the room at the wall. The destruction was immensely satisfying, even as she took in the look on his face. Hayden sank to the floor in a corner of the room, pulled her knees to her chest and hid her face in her arms.
Kaidan knelt down on the floor next to her. "I didn't know, Hayden. I didn't think of it. I wouldn't want..." He reached out, carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. "Who is Trace?"
"He was my older brother. A lieutenant in the Reds."
She didn't pull away, so Kaidan moved closer, stroked her hair. "What happened to him?"
Hayden shuddered. "He sent me to the Alliance school because I needed more help than he could give me. My biotics... other stuff... I had too many things going on, he couldn't...."
"He did what was best for you."
"Yeah," Hayden choked back sudden tears. "But then he didn't have anyone to watch his back. He got killed because I wasn't there."
"Hayden, he wanted you to be safe."
"How do you know?" she sobbed. "You don't know that!"
"Well, Hayden, I love you, and I know that's what I would want. I assume he felt the same way."
She didn't immediately realize what he had said. "What? What did you say?" She lifted her head from her knees and stared at Kaidan, looking directly into his eyes, deep and warm and brown. "What did you just say?"
Kaidan flushed slightly. He hadn't meant to say it so casually, but the fact had become such a part of his daily life that he didn't remember it wasn't always obvious. "I said, I love you. I wasn't sure if you were ready to hear that."
"But - you mean, you still - even after - all that?" she asked, rather incoherently. Her eyes were wide and confused.
He tried not to laugh at her confusion. "It's not that simple, Hayden. Love doesn't just turn off or run out." He took her hands again, looked down at them. "It's what's between you and me, here and now. Even when we're not near each other, it's always there." Kaidan looked over at the crystal. "It's why I can see your beauty in a little trinket in a toy store, and why you can feel my pain when you're in bed with Liara."
Hayden flinched at that. "Did I really hurt you?" she asked nervously.
"You should have told me you didn't want me to go," he said instead of answering her question.
She bit her lip, and was about to say something else, but checked herself and put her arms around him instead.
Kaidan closed his eyes and held her, the two of them kneeling on the floor of her cabin.
"Kaidan?"
"Yes?"
Hayden blushed, suddenly unable to say the words.
Kaidan looked at her curiously. "What is it?" Saw the blush on her pale cheeks, the bright joy in her downcast eyes. He smiled to herself.
She kissed him fiercely, pulled him down to her, leaned back to the floor. Her tiny hands entwined in his hair, her lips kissed his again and again.
For some reason, Kaidan found the sight of her lying there on the floor incredibly alluring. He kissed her, felt himself kissing her more wildly than he meant to and in the end had to pull away, forcing himself to regain his self-control.
"I'm not going to lose you too," she whispered so softly he almost missed it.
Kaidan looked at her. Her silvery hair, like a halo around her face as she lay on the floor gazing up at him.
"You're all I have. You're the only person I care about, in the whole world. Galaxy," she corrected herself. "I won't lose you. I don't care if you hate me and never speak to me again. Just... just knowing you loved me once is enough. More than enough." She looked at him, her blue eyes wide and strangely innocent at that moment. "More than I deserve, really."
"Everyone deserves a chance to be happy."
"Well, if I ever blow mine, I want you to know that this," she reached out, placed her hand on his cheek, "right here, right now, made it all worth it. You make it all worth it."
Kaidan pulled her into his arms. "There's more to this than words, Hayden. A lot more, that we're not ready for. Not yet. Are you willing to wait for it?"
Hayden sensed the layers of the question. She hugged Kaidan tightly, burying her face in his chest. Someday she was going to have to tell him the truth, and finally discover what his reaction would be. But it wouldn't be today, and she would always have this moment - this wonderful moment - to come back to in her memories. "I'll do whatever you want, Kaidan."