Riku and Sora Make a Porno-Uncensored!

I should mention that some of the last names in this Fic (specifically: Aoyagi, Agatsuma, and Hawatari) are from the manga “Loveless,” an epic yaoi manga that I love with every fiber of my being. So I took names from it. (Seriously, read “Loveless,” especially if you’re a yaoi fan. It’s amazing.)

I also apologize for the discrepency between posting here and posting on FanFiction. I know the new chapter of the “clean” version’s been out for a few days now. All I can say is, I have to change the formatting when I post here, and meh, I’m lazy.

KEY: Anything surrounded by / / is something Riku is thinking. Anything surrounded by // // is something Sora is thinking. Anything surrounded by /// /// is something multiple people are thinking at the same time.

WARNINGS: The lemon’s coming up, I promise! But not in this chapter. Some dirty jokes, including erection/male sex organ humor and mention of sexual activities. So enjoy!


Chapter 6: The Landlord From Hell

“OK, it’s official. I’m out of ideas for scenes.” Roxas slumped down in the armchair, idly scuffing at a mystery stain on the carpet with the toe of one checkered sneaker.

“No. Freaking. Way.” Riku leaned over the counter separating the kitchen from the living room and stared hard at the blond, as if trying to catch him in a lie. “You’ve run out of ideas to humiliate and/or demean me on a tape that will be shown to the fat, lazy, perverted owner of some dingy little porn shop?”

“Yep.” Roxas was still glaring at the carpet, as if the industrial gray material covering the apartment floor (with the exception of the kitchen) was responsible for his monumentally awful writer’s block.

“…I don’t believe it,” said Riku. “I’ve gotta be dreaming. Sora, don’t wake me up, OK?”

“You’re terrible, Riku. Can’t you see Roxas is upset?” As usual, those cerulean eyes staring into his and that adorable angry pout made Riku feel guilty enough to mutter “sorry” quickly before blushing horribly and turning away.

“That’s it, Sora. You put ol’ Rikee in his place.” Axel smirked and got up from the couch to give Roxas a backrub.

“Knock it off, you guys; you’re not helping…ooh, Axel, a little to the left…” Roxas sighed and relaxed into his boyfriend’s touch, eyelids drooping.

“I still can’t believe you have writer’s block, Roxas.” Sora stretched out on the floor, looking up at his friend. “I mean, you were the one who kept staying after in Writer’s Workshop in college to pitch story ideas to the professor. I remember finally she kicked you out yelling that no one would ever want to read a book about an immortal vampire boy falling in love with a human girl.”

“Yeah, well…in retrospect, I think I should’ve written that…mmm, keep going Axel…”

“I tried all night to give him inspiration. Really, I did. Got him naked, crawled on top of him, and got right to work. We did all the dirty “Harry Potter” roleplays and everything.” The lazy, cat-like smirk was back on Axel’s face, which Riku knew could only mean trouble. “We made so much noise last night Larxene threw a steak knife at the door and yelled that she wouldn’t be the only girl on the floor if we didn’t shut up. And I went as long as I could-.”

“OKAY AXEL THAT’S GREAT THANKS PLEASE BE QUIET NOW,” Sora shouted, looking afraid, disturbed, and nauseous all at the same time.

“Axel, really, what makes you think we want to hear this?” Riku looked incredulously at the redhead. “You’re gonna give us nightmares.”

“I don’t know. Guess I’m just a bad person.” Axel’s smirk grew wider. “I already have a nice, hot place reserved at the Hotel of Hell anyway, so I don’t really care.”

There was silence for a while, save for Riku’s foot tapping on the kitchen floor and Roxas’s quiet murmuring as Axel massaged up his shoulders.

“Well, if you guys are really dead set on filming today...” Roxas said after a few minutes, cracking open one azure eye to gauge their reactions.

“I’m not,” Riku said quickly.

“Riiiikuuuu, we need this,” Sora gave him the puppy-dog look, his face all pouty bottom lip and big blue eyes.

Riku sighed. “Then I’m dead set on filming today.”

“Then I guess we could play Truth or Dare, only without the Truth and with the most perverted, retarded dares we can think up, and we’ll film it,” Roxas finished.

“Yeah! The puppy dog look never fails!…Wait, what?” Sora stared at Roxas.

“I love it,” said Axel, no doubt already thinking of ways to get Roxas naked and everyone else in a dress. “Roxy, you’re a genius.”

“I try.”

“That’s the STUPIDEST idea I’ve ever heard of!” Riku burst in. “This is just like Jackass 2, only stupider, because we’re not college kids and we don’t have any booze.”

There was silence again as everyone thought about that. Finally…

“Let’s do it!” Sora yelled, with way too much enthusiasm for someone who was about to embarrass himself on camera.

“Sorry Riku, majority rules.” Axel went off to set up the camera, leaving Riku with images of the Cheshire Cat stuck in his head.

But Sora looked happy, and Riku would do anything in the world to make Sora happy, even if it meant doing unspeakably horrible things that a sober Axel had just made up for him on camera. So he sat on the living room floor next to his best friend and smiled, just enjoying being close to the brunet.

/I just know something bad is going to happen, though. All four of us in an apartment playing a college drinking game without the drinking…it’s the freaking Apocalypse, dammit./

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Twenty minutes later, the camera had recorded some very strange and disturbing things.

Riku had been dared by Axel to put on makeup, which the redhead mysteriously had in the camera bag, probably for exactly that purpose. His face was now covered in lipstick, blush, eyeliner and eyeshadow, and tiny stick-on rhinestones that he was pretty sure were for girls’ nails.

“You look cute, Riku,” Sora had giggled, and immediately Riku felt slightly better about the whole thing.

“Yeah, really cute, Riku-chan,” Axel smirked, and Riku was back to wanting to hurt something, preferably Axel’s face.

Sora was then dared by Roxas to dance around the apartment singing “Shake It,” by the new band “Metro Station,” which had been all over Twilight Town Radio recently. Even though Sora was completely tone-deaf and Riku was pretty sure all the fragile glass things within a ten-mile radius had broken from his singing, his cock liked Sora’s dance moves very, very much.

/Why does he have to keep shaking his ass right in front of my face!? And man, is Sora flexible. I bet no one else could flip off of the couch like that while shaking their butts. That’s gotta be the thing I love most about him. …And damn those stretch pants! Damn them to heeelllll!!!!/

Luckily for Riku, Sora was too busy singing (if his high-pitched shrieking could be called that) and dancing to notice Riku’s problems, and Axel and Roxas were rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they were turning blue.

Sora finally finished, striking a pose worthy of any aspiring rock star…until he tripped over his own feet and landed in a heap of arms and legs next to the coffee table. “…Ow,” he muttered, picking himself up. “Don’t worry, I’m OK!”

“Oh…oh, gosh…Sora…dude…” Roxas gasped out, sitting up and wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “That puts Kareoke Night at Tifa’s place to shame. Remember when Cid had a few too many and started singing the “Titanic” theme song?”

“Don’t quit your day job,” Axel was still chuckling and shaking his head slightly.

“That was…interesting,” Riku muttered. /Why do embarrassing erections always keep happening to ME!?/

Finally, Roxas punched Axel after the redhead dared his boyfriend to do a strip tease. Both Sora and Riku gaped, eyes wide, at the incredibly pissed-off Roxas and his now incapacitated boyfriend.

“Roxas, I don’t think…” Sora started.

Riku clapped a hand over the brunet’s mouth, furiously shaking his head.

“My arm…” Axel moaned.

After Roxas had calmed down and Axel’s arm had recovered with the help of an ice pack and a few kisses from Roxas (to both Sora’s and Riku’s embarrassment) it was time for Axel’s dare.

“I’ll dare Axel!” Riku yelled, before Roxas could even open his mouth. /Finally! Revenge! Mwahaha…/ “OK, Pyru, I want you to…uh…oh, I know! Go downstairs and steal Touru-san’s bag. She’s like, what, ninety? It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“What the hell, Riku!?” Sora cried. “That’s suicide and you know it! Her cats’ll kill him! They nearly did before, after all. Now they’ve probably imprinted Axel’s scent, or done some other creepy animal thing.”

Roxas nodded. “Yeah, nothing dangerous is allowed. Pick another dare.”

”Alright, I’ll pick another dare.” Riku folded his arms and smirked. “Guess Axel doesn’t have the balls for this one.”

Riku could tell by the steely glint in Axel’s emerald eyes and the tight clench of his jaw that the redhead wouldn’t be turning the dare down. /Bingo. I got him now. I knew threatening his manhood would do it!/

“I’ll do it.” Axel stood up and squared his shoulders. “Someone go get the camera and record this.”

“No way, Axel!” Roxas leapt in front of him, throwing his arms out and refusing to let Axel pass. “You can’t go into an apartment with twenty-seven psycho cats! They’ll rip you to shreds!”

“Rox-.”

“You don’t need to prove anything to anyone! You’re-.”

Axel bent down and kissed Roxas hard on the lips, effectively shutting the blond up. “Let’s go,” he said, striding out into the hall past the stunned, blushing Roxas.

Axel yanked the hood of his black coat up over his head, covering the trademark red spikes and green cat-eyes so he wouldn’t be recognized. Sora dragged the camera out into the hallway to record Axel’s epic dare as the man crept quietly down the stairs and over to Touru-san’s second-floor apartment, which was locked as usual.

Riku and Sora leaned over the second floor railing, holding their breaths and waiting nervously (in Sora’s case) and eagerly with a touch of guilt (in Riku’s case) to see what would happen. Roxas joined them a second later, biting at his lip and wrinkling his forehead in worry.

Axel knocked on the door. “Hello? Touru-san?” He called out.

“Who is it?” A rough, angry old voice yelled out from the depths of the apartment.

“Uh…Delivery!” Axel was quite obviously making stuff up as he went along.

Roxas face-palmed. “He’s doomed.”

“For what?” The old woman shouted back.

“Um, um…catnip?” Axel guessed.

Either Touru-san really was expecting an order of catnip, or was just curious about who was knocking at her door and wouldn’t leave, because the door opened just a crack, enough for an angry brown eye and a bit of frizzy gray hair to peak out.

That was all Axel needed.

He slipped inside the apartment before the woman could even blink, and Riku, Sora, and Roxas could hear loud rustling and banging noises within as Axel searched for her purse. “C’mon, lady, where do you keep your bag?” They heard Axel yell. “I just need to borrow it for a minute, for a friend of mine who thinks he’s a girl.”

“He’s so dead,” Riku muttered angrily.

“Why, I never! You hooligan! Breaking into an old woman’s home!” Touru-san shuffled away from her door, causing it to swing open and allowing everyone a full view of what was happening in the apartment within. “Kitties! Sic him!”

Cats instantly leapt from just about every available area in the apartment-the kitchen, the bathroom, the sinks, the cabinets, and even from between the couch cushions-and they all leapt upon Axel with the precise fury of a heat-seeking missile.

A very furry heat-seeking missile that made loud, high-pitched yowling noises.

And had very sharp claws and teeth.

“AGGGH! GET ‘EM OFF ME! GET OFF!” Axel flailed around the apartment, swinging his arms and kicking his legs like a deranged show dancer, sending cats flying everywhere. His hood slipped off his head, showing his angry and slightly frightened face to the world. But whenever he managed to shake a cat off, it would simply get back to its feet, shake itself off, and leap back on him with a renewed fury.

On the landing above, Sora was hyperventilating. Riku was having a heart attack while wondering how they’d all get out of this one without a trip to the emergency room and possible police involvement. Roxas had gone deathly pale, his sky blue eyes as huge as saucers in his face.

And before Sora or Riku could do anything, the blond had vaulted over the third floor landing, screaming, “I’LL SAVE YOU, AX!” He landed in a tight crouch on the third floor and dived into the apartment like a monochrome bullet, practically ripping cats off of his boyfriend.

“Another one!?” Touru-san shrieked. “You two are in some sort of gang that gets off on robbing poor, helpless old ladies, aren’t’cha? Shame on you! I won’t stand for it!” Touru-san shuffled to the refrigerator and pulled out a little black purse, which she then proceeded to whack at Axel and Roxas with while screaming “Help! Someone call the police! I’m being robbed by deranged maniacs!”

However, Touru-san’s feeble hits with the bag didn’t seem to be hurting the boys, who were ignoring her in favor of the much more dangerous cats.

The noise of the cats yowling, Axel and Roxas yelling, and Touru-san shrieking had alerted what seemed like the entire apartment building to what was going on. Doors were flying open and a few people were coming out onto the landings to witness the spectacle. Some were in shock, some were in horror, some were in shock and horror, and most were cheering on either Axel and Roxas or Touru-san.

“Riku! We gotta go help them!” Sora cried. He made to jump the railing like Roxas had done, but Riku held him back by his hoodie.

“Are you nuts, Sora!? We’ll get shredded too! We have to call someone…Pest Control…or…”

“We have to get down there!” Sora was struggling against Riku with renewed fervor, and the silver-haired boy was forced to grab him around the waist in order to keep him from leaping after Axel and Roxas. /Damn. I can’t believe this is arousing me even during a crisis./

“Cool! Old Lady Touru’s finally lost it!” Xigbar Akira, who lived a floor above Riku and Sora, threw open his door and ran out onto the landing. Close behind him was his roommate, Luxord Hirano.

“Aw, man!” Xigbar yelled. His long brown hair, liberally streaked with silver, was tied into a thin ponytail that flew out over the railing as he leaned over. “Looks like that little blond dude and Red are under some intense pressure there! This is so radical!”

“Hey, Riku, mate.” Luxord, who had lived in Neverland as a college student long enough to pick up the English accent, stared down at the floor below, where Riku was practically lying on top of Sora in order to keep him from jumping down. “Are you wearing makeup?”

“Fuck off, Hirano!” Riku yelled. He was half flushed with adrenaline and half incredibly aroused at how close he was to Sora. He was in no mood to chat with the tricky owner of Twilight Town’s single, tiny, practically bankrupt casino.

“Well, now, chap, if I’d known you were a transvestite I would’ve invited you to perform down at the casino! You should really tell people this sort of thing; it was a huge moneymaker back in Neverland.” Luxord had on a smirk that would put Axel to shame, and Xigbar had burst into hysterics.

“Both of you are…dead….Sora, knock it off! You can’t go down there!”

//I don’t know whether to be happy that he’s so concerned for me or just kick his ass for not going to help Axel and Roxas.// Sora continued trying to wriggle out of Riku’s grasp with renewed fervor.

“Hey!” Axel swiped at a grey tomcat clawing its way up his leg that had just torn a huge chunk out of his coat. “That cost $29.95 at Target!”

“What is going on here?” The voice was quiet, rich and deep, but as silky and smooth as poison. And like poison, it flowed all through the apartment so that everyone heard it, infiltrating each and every nook and cranny.

Instantly everyone was back in their apartments, the echoes of doors slamming sounding throughout the whole building. Xigbar and Luxord practically tripped over each other in their haste to get back inside. The cats instantly abandoned Axel and Roxas and vanished into Touru-san’s apartment. The couple collapsed in a heap on top of each other in shock and relief outside the apartment door.

“Let that be a lesson to the both of you!” Touru-san whacked each of them on the head one last time with her purse, then went into her apartment, slamming the door behind her.

Sora instantly went limp and fell out of Riku’s arms onto the landing. Riku was so shocked that he sank down onto the floor next to his best friend. Both boys stared with wide-eyed horror at the man who’d just walked into the apartment building, still framed in a square of light from the lobby door.

Finally, Sora managed to speak in a hoarse whisper.

“Xemnas…”

Xemnas Arai, otherwise known as “the laziest shit in the entire Universe,” (if you were Sora) or “Satan incarnate” (if you were Riku) was standing in the entryway of the apartment building. He’d obviously stopped by, at the absolute worst possible time, for one of his infrequent yet mandatory building inspections. And he looked immaculately perfect, as usual, in a black suit, white shirt, and red silk tie that were perfectly creased and pressed, without even the tiniest speck of dust or dirt anywhere. His shoes were so shiny that Riku bet he could see his reflection in them, and his hair fell sleekly down his back, not a single silver lock out of place.

Xemnnas also looked incredibly pissed off, as it seemed the plants in the lobby were dying right before Riku’s eyes from the intensity of the man’s amber-gold gaze.

“Now,” Xemnas drawled the world out lazily, letting it echo in the building’s eerie silence. “What’s been going on here?” He climbed the stairs, his shoes clunking loudly against the scuffed, scarred wood, until he was standing right in front of Axel and Roxas.

Riku was pretty sure he could see Roxas muttering the Lord’s Prayer under his breath, which was definitely a first for the usually fearless boy.

“Arai-san? That you?” Touru-san yelled from inside the apartment.

“Yes, Madame Touru, it is indeed I,” Xemnas answered. “I don’t suppose you’d be kind enough to tell me why, when I come in for a building inspection, I find everyone in the apartment egging on what appeared in my eyes to be an illegal animal-fighting show?”

“Animal fighting!? That crazy bitch sicced her animals-!”

“Quiet, boy, or I shall call the police.” Xemnas hissed angrily, and Axel shut up.

“Self-defense, Arai-san!” Touru-san shouted again. “Those two crazy boys outside broke into my apartment and tried to steal my purse! I can’t help it if my cats attack them. They were causing such a ruckus…they even woke up poor Mr. Snugglepoo, and he’s got an ear infection-.”

“Thank you, Madame Touru,” Xemnas silkily cut her off. “I will take care of the matter immediately.” He stared down at Axel and Roxas with the wrath of the heavens in his amber eyes.

“Much obliged!” Touru-san said cheerfully. Then all was quiet.

“So.” Xemnas crossed his arms, the frown deepening in his tanned face. “The two of you were causing a ruckus in my apartment building. You have disturbed the peace, upset an elderly woman and her cats, and caused property damage. So what shall I do to punish you?”

“There wasn’t any property damage!” Roxas cried.

Xemnas’s eyes narrowed to golden slits in his tanned face, and he pulled a tiny silver Swiss Army knife from his pants pocket. He moved to the wall and, in one swift motion, flipped out the tiny blade and slit the old, faded wallpaper down the middle, causing it to fall to the floor in two curled, yellowed pieces.

“Property damage,” he said softly.

Riku was beginning to get scared now. Xemnas owned their apartment and was just plain creepy, really. /Well, I guess as long as everyone doesn’t move, nods when he talks, and no one talks back to him, it’ll be OK-/

Then Sora spoke, his words ringing out over the whole building. “You leave them alone! You almost never come in here, and when you do, it’s only to bully our friends! Fuck off, Xemnas!”

/-Fuck. We’re dead./ Riku began to fervently pray this was all a dream. Maybe, if he was really lucky, Sora would start taking his clothes off.

Xemnas looked up above at the landing, smirking like a cat that had just cornered its prey, and now an extremely bloody, painful death was imminent. “Ah,” he grinned. “Sora Aoyagi and Riku Agatsuma. I should have known the two of you would be involved in this somehow.”

Sora growled slightly, a furious storm brewing in his cerulean eyes as he got to his feet. Riku scrambled up behind him. “Sora…” he hissed, grabbing his friend’s arm.

“The two of you are three weeks behind in your rent payments.” Xemnas brushed an imaginary speck of dust off his shoulder, not even bothering to look at Riku and Sora. “And might I remind you two that cookies do not count as money in any province of Twilight Town, and are therefore not accepted by me as rent money.”

“What?!” Riku hissed in Sora’s ear, spinning the brunet around to face him. “You sent Xemnas cookies as our rent!?”

“Well…the movie was dragging on longer than I thought it would, and we didn’t have enough money for that week.” Sora blushed and gave him a sheepish grin. “I figured it couldn’t hurt, right?”

Riku could have cried with frustration.

“And I believe I recognize you two troublemakers now.” Lip curling, Xemnas turned back to Axel and Roxas, who were still lying in a lump on the floor. “Axel Pyru and Roxas Nomura, correct?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “You two have been the source of a total of sixty-four complaints from a Ms. Larxene Sayo, who I believe lives across the hall from you, for making loud moaning noises in your apartment at all hours of the night.”

Both Axel and Roxas gaped in shock, eyes wide.

“How-how did you know?” Axel asked, after finally regaining control of his mouth.

“My brother Ansem and I own your apartment building jointly,” Xemnas calmly explained. “Although he is technically your landlord, we both pay for your building’s upkeep, and he keeps me up to date on all the residents’ activities there. And I believe I am now well within my rights to evict the both of you for disturbing the peace in two different apartment buildings.”

Axel’s and Roxas’s eyes got, if possible, even wider. It seemed neither of them was able to talk, though Axel’s mouth was flapping open and closed like a fish’s.

“You-you can’t do that…” Sora whispered, looking horrified.

“I believe I can, Mr. Aoyagi.” Xemnas looked up at Sora and Riku again with a positively evil smile. “And I am evicting both you and Mr. Agatsuma as well, for being late on your rent payments. I feel that I can rent your apartment out to a…worthier person.”

Xemnas turned and briskly walked down the stairs and into the lobby without so much as a glance back. He paused for a moment at the door and shouted, “I’ll be back in two hours for my building inspection, and I expect to find all four of you and your things out of your respective apartments by then. Or believe me, I shall call the police.”

With that, Xemnas left, leaving Sora, Riku, Axel, and Roxas to stare after him, not moving or even blinking. They were all thinking the same thing.

///We’re in some deep shit now.///


I wanna take this time to thank all my amazing reviewers here on AFF. Thanks so much you guys, I really appreciate all this positive feedback! If I could give you all cookies, believe me, I would.