And So...?

I have to admit, after school I was a complete and total wreck-ball of super nerves. I mean, this is a lot of pressure! Riku actually told me he was gay, how am I supposed to control myself when I know it wouldn't totally freak him out!

But then again I guess it would be kinda weird for your best friend of a million years to just lean over in a movie and make out with you. So I guess I can't do that to him yet.

Gah! How is it that I can actually know so much yet still be soconfused about what to do? This is so DUMB!

Riku's in the shower right now, and I have to admit it's really hard not to just go in there and take a peek. Seriously, what is wrong with me lately? Do my hormones just have a kinda switch that got flipped when I realized I was gay?

That's still kinda strange.

I look at myself in the mirror, and stick my hand out to myself, smiling. "Hi, my name's Sora, and I'm gay!" Hehehe!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bored because my entertainment is in the shower.

But I'm just trying not to think too much about stuff because it makes me really sad.

Like this morning, when he made a joke to Kairi about it being a 'date.' Which, I guess, to me it is, even if he doesn't know it. I kinda wanted to find a corner and mope in it, pull a Riku or something. I dunno why it got to me so hard.

I guess it was just because he was making a joke and being super sarcastic about something I want so bad.

Just to be with him.

And then at lunch... when he said he was gay... he also said there wasn'tanybody that he wanted to kiss. Not Tidus, not Kairi, not Raquel (whom I no longer like), and certainly not stupid lanky best-friend Sora sitting right across from him.

I just know I could make him happy though. I could make him as happy as he makes me, if he'd just let me.

It's like... for those moments when I was a heartless, I could feel it. I could feel the darkness curling in on me like some kind of slimy disease. It felt like being choked, being deprived of something really necessary. I guess... it was the heart... being... heartless. All I wanted was to feel something good again, because it felt like I was only living the half of life that hurt.

And I know Riku broods and deals in his own way, but he spent years in that place. I dunno how he's even still sane.

And Kairi says he did it for me.

He didn't even want to come home. He didn't think I'd still love him.

See why I'm trying to distract myself from thinking? Time to perk up!

So, sucks for you Riku, because I'm not letting you go now. I can make you happy, you stupid jerk, and you will let me because I think I'm in love with you!

I'm so nervous! Because I do, I care about him so much and he is the most amazing person. And how do I make him fall in love with me?

I look into the mirror again. Time to give myself a pep talk.

It's always during pep talks that I miss Donald and Goofy the most.

Gah! No more sad thoughts, dammit! Pep, pep!

"Okay Sora, you're a moderately attractive guy. And if you listen to Kairi, you've got that whole... bleh... cute, innocent look going on. And if girls are attracted to it, maybe gay guys are too? You can do this! Just... do what comes natural. Follow your heart."

I hear someone grunt from behind me, and when I look in the mirror again, I have to stop myself from drooling.

"Seriously, Sora, people are going to think you're crazy for talking to yourself in the mirror." He says, smirking lightly as he holds his towel up around his waist.

He's still basically dripping wet, getting my carpet all sopping, which mom will bitch about in the morning, but at the moment I'm a little too distracted to care.

How does he stay pale? It does't make sense.

Oooh, and his nipples are all perky and tight. I wonder if they would move if I went over and flicked one.

"Um... Sora? You've completely zoned out man. You look a bit flushed, too." He looks at me, slightly concerned.

It's not my fault he makes me almost pass out with his hotness.

I guess now that I'm really checking him out, it's just Riku-hotness overload.

"Uh, yeah, sorry... I'm a little out of it. We had a pop quiz in history and it really kinda shit on my day, you know? My brain feels like fried chicken."

He looks at me funny, raising one smooth eyebrow while he puts his boxers on underneath the towel.

Which, by the way, have puppies on them.

I chuckle to myself.

"Nice puppies."

He blushes lightly.

"Shut up, man. They were from Kairi, and besides, it's just underwear. No one's really going to see it."

"Except me, since you like to strip in front of me so much." I laugh slightly, grinning.

"Nah, Sora, you've never gotten the full strip tease. Besides, technically I'm actually getting dressed so I think you're a little confused there." He's blushing a bit still, but still manages a smirk, "Besides, you just wish I'd strip down for you."

Actually, I think I might enjoy that. A lot.

Shit! Rat tail towel attack!

I got so distracted by Riku-in-boxers I failed to notice the tightly rolled towel aiming squarely for my unprotected ass!

Shwooo-puuup!

"Owwwww!!!!! RI-KU! You are SO paying for that!" I wince, rubbing my sore behind, more than slightly irritated by the fact that despite the school pants, it still hit hard enough to sting.

And he's just laughing his ass off, trying to put on his jeans, standing on one foot.

Opportunity!

Before he knows what's hit him, I ninja-sneak up beside him and give him a little push. Tangled in his jeans, there's no way he can withstand the power of the one-legged push-over!

Bwah!

Sora wins!

Funnily enough, he doesn't retaliate or get pissed off, he just starts laughing harder. He's actually laughing so hard he can't get up or breathe, and there is one thing you should understand about Riku's laugh.

It's absolutely fucking hilarious.

It's not like when he chuckles, because that's all deep and sexy. But when he thinks something is really, really funny (which is very rare), he starts sounding like a dieing donkey.

Huh-huh-heeeee-huh-huh-heeeaww-huh-huh!!!!

So you can understand that right now I'm laughing at him laughing and we're both looking like crazy people, especially cause he's still only got one leg in his pants and I can't stand up anymore and have collapsed sorta close to him.

When the laughing kinda subsides, and Riku's laughs get back to the deep sexy chuckle, we just lay there content and trying to chill out. Suddenly I can hear him rustle with his jeans, I guess succeeding in getting them on because he stops and says, "You know something, Sora?"

I glance over, and he's sitting up smiling at me. My heart is absolutely swelling full to burst. "Whazzat, Riku?"

"I haven't laughed like that since before we left."

I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. But his smile is so genuine, that I guess it's a good thing.

"Well, Riku," I say, sitting up and standing to stretch, "I'd say you need to laugh more often!" I smile here, looking over at him. "What got you laughing so hard in the first place?"

Hey, I'm curious. I like seeing Riku happy.

"You," he says, his smile shifting back to a smirk. "You're such a damn pansy. You had pants on and everything and you still squealed like a girl when I hit you! Haha, it was priceless. And then I guess when you pushed me over in retaliation I just lost it, because it was such a four year old thing to do." He's chuckling louder now, but at least he's putting a shirt on so maybe I can think more clearly.

"I resent that! First of all, I don'tsqueal, and I'm definitely not a pansy. Plus that was a cheap shot! Who still does that anyway? What are we, twelve and in a locker room? And my move was not four years old! It was clever and you were vulnerable!"

He's just shaking his head at me and I'm feeling really indignant (another word Kairi told me the other day when she told me that the dude we were reading about would be indignant if he knew that I thought he was just some fat old stupid guy).

"Sora, Sora... You gotta learn to be more sly and cunning like me. You never even saw my attack coming, however, I knew yours was on its way."

"Well if you knew mister smarty butt-face, then why didn't you do anything?"

He smiles again, very lightly this time.

"Because it was funny and I wanted to see if you'd do what I thought you were going to do. Plus you aren't sneaky at all."

He's just going all over me, and SO not in the way I want him to be.

"Shut up. You're ticking me off, you jerkwad." But I'm kinda smiling all the same, because when Riku's happy, I guess it just kinda flows on over to me.

"Whatever Sora. Game time?"

Oh, sweet, now I can finally take that cheating bastard out!

"Hell yeah!"

-----------------------------------

As we sit and play games, with him all in the middle of the couch again and driving me crazywith his touches I can't help but think about how happy I am just sitting here with him. I wonder what he meant about "Follow your heart" when he was talking to himself?

But following my heart has gotten me to a really good place here lately.

Telling him about my... preferences, was probably the best thing I've done in a long time. It was almost like coming out of the darkness and back home all over again. Coming back to Sora again.

In both those moments, I'd thought I had lost my best friend because of my own mistakes. Well I guess being gay isn't so much a mistake, but damn if the other decisions I made weren't.

Which is why I just don't think he could ever love me. I know he's my friend, but I don't think he wants what I want, even if we are both gay and best friends.

I mean, how could he? I'm so... tainted.

God, sometimes I can still feel the sickness crawling on my skin, bleeding out of and into me. And I can hear his voice, hissing silky smooth in my ear that I should focus my rage and destroy Sora. And I tried to.

I tried to destroymy best friend, and the only one I ever have or ever will love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

And I chose that.

But at least I realized how stupid I was being. But there was no way I could come home... come back to him, and expect him to take me in his arms and tell me it was okay.

Yet when he found me, that's exactly what he did. He cried for me, he'd looked for me.

I just... hadn't wanted to be found.

And then I am whacked in the face with a pillow.

"RIKU! I can hear your thoughts, and they aren't happy. So quit!" Sora frowns. "Besides, it's not fair if you're not concentrating, because then I win for no reason!"

I smirk.

"I was still beating you and you know it."

"Riku, you are such a liar and a turd."

"... A turd?"

"Yes, a turd." He says, very matter-of-factly. God but he's cute.

Beautiful, really. But I'd never tell him that.

I glance at the clock on the wall, and apparently Sora does the same.

"Well, it's only like five. Wanna grab something to eat then walk to the beach?"

My rumbling stomach answers for me. Hey, I didn't eat much at lunch, okay?

So it's down stairs to the kitchen where we completely rape and pillage the fridge and pantry for left-overs. My dinner ended up being lasagna with potato chips and strawberries.

Trust me, you don't even want to know what Sora ate.

Actually, I just don't want to think about it.

So now, thirty minutes later, we're walking the two blocks from Sora's to the beach where the boats are tied. I guess we'll just look out at the island.

But when we get there, I suddenly feel tired and just plop down on the dry sand, laying back with my arms out.

I can hear him chuckle at me as I lay there.

Shit, I forgot I'm gonna get sand all in my hair. Oh well.

"Tired much Riku? Besides aren't you afraid your precious hair will get sand in it?"

I snort.

"Sora, you're so clever I can't even stand it." I say, words smothered in sarcasm.

But he's adorable all the same. And it makes me laugh, even if only on the inside, because he knows exactly what I was just thinking.

He sits down next to me and lays there, and we just watch the sky as the sun starts to set and the colors splay brilliant red orange purples against the clouds.

And to think, I would have missed this so much.

Missedhim so much. I'll never have him the way I want, but I'll take what I can get.

I grab his hand, and he flinches in the slightest. I sigh.

"Remember, before everything started, we used to lay on the beach like this? Kairi, you, and I. Back before Kingdom Hearts, before everything got all... broken."

He gently squeezes my hand. He understands what's going through my head.

"Yeah, I remember. We can stay here a while, the previews will take forever. Besides, I wanna see the sun set! It's so pretty."

I glance over at him, looking at his smile and his eyes focused on the sky.

"Yeah, it is."

--------------------------

How is it that two completely emotionally retarded and oblivious people can get more gay action in five minutes than I've gotten in my entire career of being homosexual!

I continue walking, leaving Riku and Sora holding hands on the beach behind me, feeling ridiculously frustrated.

I just don't understand my luck.

And I wish he would understand me better. We've been friends since we were little, and when Riku and Sora were gone doing whatever, he and I became even closer.

Then one day I realized why that accent that never went away always sent chills up my spine when I heard it. I realized why I looked forward to seeing him every day, to practicing blitz with him, and then why I was always blushing so much in the guy's locker room.

I fell in love with my best friend.

Unfortunately, I don't seem to have such a happy ending on the horizon, considering how he took the fact that I was gay.

God, I'm not thinking about this right now. Just keep walking, Tidus. Maybe Kairi can hang out some?

I miss him so much.

-------------------------

My heart is pounding, and I'm happier than I think I've ever been.

Because Riku is holding my hand, and the sky is beautiful.

And Riku's here. With me.

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A/N: For some reason people on AFF.net don't get the formatting when reading, like there aren't any italics when I upload it. So to see the real version, head on over to ff.net Sorry about that!

Sorry for the lack of humor. I'm just feeling really down, and I don't know, in one of those funks. I know people like this story, which makes me happy, so I'm writing it, because it makes me happy too, but man am I just feeling like shit. Things get better next chapter.

Besides, the angst had to come up sometime, didn't it?