Talk to Me

AN: Alright, last chapter got the cute and fluffy. This one gets a little more, plus humor. Keeping even a little control over the humor is killing me. So embrace the comedy! Embrace also the first entrance of some characters that have been hovering quasi-patiently, but I had yet to write about… before now. Dun-dun-duuuun! On with the fic!

VeryNaughtyOttsel: Thanks, and long live cuddle scenes! It’s criminal that they have Sonic plushies, Pokémon plushies out the wazoo, even Crash Bandicoot plushies for crying out loud, and yet there are no ottsel plushies to snuggle. It just seems so… wrong, somehow!

killerfox: So far only the people closest to Jak and Daxter know that Dax isn’t lying when he insists that he’s human. For the most part, people in general still see just a loudmouthed animal hiding behind Jak. They plan to keep the secret for a little longer… at least until Dax is ready to take over the world. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!! (just kidding.)

Jester: Where there are your witty comments on my fic, I will always be smiling and motivated. Thank you!

Disclaimer: The wonderful characters, spiffy locations, awesome vehicles and wicked weapons written about herein are not mine. *cry cry* I’m not making any profit from this. *cry some more*

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

It was sometime before dawn when Daxter awoke. The sky outside the window was still completely dark, and no birds had yet begun to sing.

He struggled out from under Jak’s arm and sat up, blinking blearily. It was hot in there, held tight against Jak’s warm chest under all the blankets in the little nest they seemed to have made during the night.

The ottsel yawned. Hopping over folds in the blanket he jumped lightly from the bed to the low table next to it, harboring the vague idea that there was still some water in the canteen he had left there. To his relief the bottle was half full, the water kept quite cool by the low temperature of the room.

Eagerly Daxter finished off the water and wiped the stray drops from his muzzle with the back of one ungloved hand. //Oh, yeah, that’s better. Gettin’ kinda toasty under all that. Roasted ottsels don’t make dreams come true, baby.//

He fluffed up his fur, allowing the cool air to flow through it. One of the many small pains of being a scrawny little ottsel as opposed to a scrawny little human included falling asleep freezing from not being able to make your own body heat and waking up panting from the warmth generated by your bedmate. Oh, well. At least Jak cared enough to try and keep him warm.

Hmm. Speaking of Jak. Dax felt the compulsory need to check on his friend, just on principle. An active guy like Jak needed his beauty sleep, and Dax liked to make sure he got it. Sometimes during the night he would fetch the racer another blanket or pull one off of him, return the pillows that had been knocked on the floor to the bed, wake him up from the occasional nightmare and sooth him back to sleep after. Useful things like that. Not that Jak ever really remembered anything about those little favors the next morning, but the ottsel liked it that way. It wouldn’t do much for his image if it was discovered how much of a mama hen he actually was for Jak.

Careful not to land on his friend, Daxter leaped back to the bed.

Jak was still soundly asleep, on his side under the blankets with arms carefully curled into a space just right for Daxter to nuzzle into. The ottsel smiled at the consideration.

In all the years they had been practicing co-species sleeping arrangements, Jak had never once rolled over on him. Sure he had been kicked or knocked off the bed a time or two while Jak was in the throes of a vivid dream, and once or twice he had been squeezed much too tightly, but overall he would much rather sleep with his buddy than not.

“You alright, big guy?” he murmured quietly, not really expecting a response. “Too hot, not hot enough, just right?”

In fact, Jak did look a little cold. Dax wasn’t surprised, really. While he was small enough to literally bathe in the heat Jak exuded, Jak was largely too big to benefit from the meager warmth the ottsel put out. Plus, Orange Lightning had fur. Jak had ratty boxers that honestly needed to be replaced. It was no contest who would be warmer through the night.

“Alrightie. Hold on a sec, I’ll fix ya right up.”

Darting into the bathroom so the crackles and flashes of eco would not disturb his friend--and it surely would, as Jak the Big Bad Ass Kicker was much too well-conditioned to sleep through something like a sudden surge of bright light--Daxter peeked out a moment later human.

“Cripes, it’s cold again!” Moving briskly back to the bed he grabbed the robe that had been carelessly thrown across the foot of it. Jak would probably appreciate that. As a second thought, he also switched off the alarm clock that waited threateningly on the table near his friend’s head. Whether the racer chose to admit it or not, he would undoubtedly appreciate that as well when he didn’t have bags under his baby blues the next morning.

The green-blonde mumbled briefly as Daxter slid back into bed beside him, cracking his eyes open the slightest bit. It was only moments, though, before the racer passed it off and was unconscious once more.

Dax smiled and shook his head as he fluffed the blankets back into place, whispering absently to his sleeping friend as he did so. “Now what would happen if I was somebody who had wicked designs on ya, pal, and ya didn’t even blink when I jumped in the sack with ya? Good thing I got only the best intentions.”

Jak merely sighed into his pillow and shifted closer, one hand searching the space around him as if to determine where his ottsel had gone. Daxter’s smile widened.

“Y’know, babe, sometimes yer just too cute fer yer own good.” Carefully the redhead settled in beside Jak, slipping one arm around his friend’s shoulders and resting his chin on the top of Jak’s head. The arm that had been searching immediately curled around his waist and pulled him tighter against the racer. “I’m startin’ ta think I never had a choice about… ya know. Maybe fallin’ for ya.”

Jak’s warm breath in the crook of his neck had Dax smothering a snort of laughter. He petted the mess of green and yellow hair his hand encountered, looking down at his friend’s face as best he was able from the awkward angle. Jak’s eyes were closed, his mouth open slightly.

Very softly, Daxter reached up and ran the pad of his thumb gently across Jak’s lower lip. The warm puffs of air that brushed past were smooth and regular as the racer slept on obliviously.

//Oh, yeah. I could totally kiss that.//

Satisfied, Dax relaxed and lowered his head back against the pillows. His body fit nicely against Jak’s in a way he hadn’t noticed the last time he had slept next to him in the non-ottsel fashion. It was really amazing how much could be realized after a time lapse of just a few days and a figurative smack over the head from a smart blonde bartender.

Oh, well. Alarm or not, it would be morning soon enough. Nice as it was to simply lie there and enjoy holding Jak, rather than the other way around, it was time to get back to sleep.

“Sweet dreams, big guy. Somethin’ tells me we’ll both be plenty warm now.”

- // - // - // - // -

Jak hummed in contentment, lips trailing lightly down the side of Daxter’s neck. One hand slid gently under the edge of the too-big robe, coaxing it to open wider so that he might kiss the soft skin above the redhead’s collarbone.

He could think of no finer thing in life than what he was doing right at that moment.

Actually, he couldn’t really think at all just then. Where were they? What were they doing there? And why was Daxter suddenly allowing him to do such a thing? Dimly, the racer wondered if he could be dreaming. He moved in darkness, afraid that the wonderful sensations would vanish if he dared open his eyes.

//Precursors, please let this be real.//

He couldn’t be dreaming, though. Never had a dream been so warm, so tactile. Jak basked in the heat from the smaller body pressed against him. He could feel every centimeter of Daxter’s skin under his own, smell the soap he had used in the bath, hear the happy noises he made as Jak’s mouth continued lower.

“Jak…” A whispered sigh as the green-blonde’s lips pressed against a seemingly fragile sternum. Daxter squirmed and stretched languidly under the attention, one hand falling to encircle a long, sensitive ear as the other moved backwards to scratch absently at the headboard. The movement caused the already loose robe to loosen further, much to Jak’s delight.

Cupping a hand around Daxter’s ribs, one palm nearly covering half the narrow chest, he could feel the strong heartbeat beneath. Oh, yes. There was no way this could not be real.

Lips curving into a smile against the skin they seemed adhered to, Jak shifted and moved higher, one knee easing between the redhead’s thighs. Daxter squeaked and bucked up into the contact, hand moving from Jak’s ear to grasp desperately at his shoulder.

Almost unable to contain his happiness, the racer leaned forward, closer and closer, ready to claim that sweet, witty, whiny, sarcastic mouth in their first kiss. Until the mouth in question began to move.

“Hnn. Jak… don’ think we should be doin’ this in… mmm… Sig’s kitchen…”

The scene ground to a halt. What in all the hells?

Jak’s eyes popped open, nearly blinding him as bright morning light reflected through the high window and off the snowy white sheets. He clapped a hand over his face, rubbing frantically. He had seen enough before the sunspots took over his vision to know that there was something spread out on those sheets.

That something, of course, was Daxter. Sprawled on his back with one arm flung above his head and a fist half curled near his mouth, the redhead looked sweet. Innocent. Vulnerable. And exactly like he had just been molested in his sleep.

“Oh, no,” Jak breathed. He felt numb. Dumbly he surveyed his handiwork.

His friend’s flushed cheeks and red ear tips. The deep, panting breaths pulled past the slight overbite. The useless robe, gaping wide from neck to beneath the navel, loose sash barely managing to keep the rest closed and conceal what mattered.

The racer no longer felt numb. Now he felt sick.

Jak backed slowly off the bed, deftly avoiding the hand that reached out unconsciously as he drew away. Throwing one of the blankets over Daxter he stumbled, extremely uncomfortable, to the bathroom and collapsed against the sink.

//That’s great, Jak,// a little voice seemed to say. //That’s just perfect. Just go ahead and rape him in his sleep, you monster.//

//Oh, come on, it’s not exactly your fault,// another side coaxed as Jak was just about to bash his head against the faucet. //You were practically asleep yourself. You didn’t know he wasn’t awake. Hell, you didn’t even know he went human during the night. Besides, he didn’t look like he was hating it, *if* you know what I mean.//

Staring at himself in the mirror, Jak had to bite back a hysterical laugh. Not only had he just practically taken advantage of his dearest friend, but he was also going crazy. Biting one hand to keep from laughing, he hesitated the barest fraction of a second before plunging the other into his boxers.

All things considered, whatever he did with all that built up tension now didn’t really matter. If Daxter woke up and had any recollection of what had happened, Jak wouldn’t try to keep the redhead from killing him. But until then… just this once… what was the harm?

Settling back against the sink, Jak sighed and readjusted his hand. “Okay, perv, let’s get this over with so you can at least pretend to be normal for the rest of the day. Just think of something other than Dax. Something that *isn’t* Dax.”

//Daxter Daxter Daxter//

“Damn it to hell!”

- // - // - // - // -


Daxter woke with a start as the shout echoed from the bathroom. “What the…?” That was weird. Who could be swearing so loudly so early in the morning?

Something was out of place.

Sitting up, he yawned, the robe falling completely off his shoulders to pool around his waist. Sleepily he rubbed a palm over his eyes, ears twitching of their own accord at the odd sounds emanating from the bathroom.

Jak was no longer beside him.

With a lopsided smile that was half amusement and half fond resignation, Daxter collapsed backwards into bed once more. Yeah, getting angry and cursing a blue streak for unknown reasons at an ungodly hour of the morning while others were still trying to catch shut-eye in the next room might be considered a Jak thing to do.

Shifting back into the blankets, the redhead absently ran a hand over his bare chest and stomach. He felt amazingly content given the fact that he had just been rudely woken up. He thought that maybe he had been having one of those really nice dreams that made you wake up all happy and lethargic for no reason, but he couldn’t get a grip on the vague thoughts and images drifting in the corners of his mind. Letting his eyes slide shut again, Dax tried to remember what he had been dreaming about.

A few minutes later, he was nudged fully awake once more as Jak reentered the room. The redhead stretched and directed a happy, lazy smile at the truant racer. “Hey, babe. Sleep good?”

It was obvious Jak hadn’t known his friend was awake. He blushed to the green roots of his hair and rubbed sheepishly at the back of his neck, refusing to meet Daxter’s eye. “Uh. I mean, yeah, decent. I guess. You?”

Dax had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from speaking aloud what he thought next. //Oh, yeah, it’s totally not obvious what ya were doin’ in there. I gotta say though, Jakkie-boy, ya wear the “just got myself off” look real nice.//

“Eh, I slept like a baby.” With a very relieved Jak staring at him as he lay comfortably sprawled on fluffy blankets and wrapped in the warm sunshine, Daxter had no plans of getting out of bed. “Orange Lightning just got a little warm in the middle’a the night, ya got a little cold, an’ I fixed the problem. Feel like layin’ back down fer a while?”

Jak’s lingering blush intensified. “Dax, I, uh… wait a minute. What time is it, anyway?”

“Dunno, don’t care. Come play with me!”

Daxter pouted as Jak largely ignored his double-sided demand and instead turned his attention to the clock. Here he was lying there a stitch away from completely in the buff, ready to tickle, wrestle, make out—he didn’t care which—and all Jak could concentrate on was the time. Damn him.

“Shit!” Jak moaned, grabbing said clock off the table and shaking it viciously. “The alarm didn’t go off!” Daxter whistled innocently. “We are so late.”

Seeming to immediately forget all else, the racer dropped the abused clock and dove for his clothing. Dax watched with interest as his friend hopped around the room in one boot with his shirt stuck around one ear, goggles hanging from his teeth as he muttered furiously. The redhead was just about to get up and offer his assistance when there came a ferocious pounding on their door.

“Who is it?” Jak yelled, spitting out the goggles but still muffled by the shirt.

As if taking the query as an invitation to enter, whoever was at the door did exactly that. In stalked the imposing blue-haired presence of Rayn, who barely waited to catch sight of Jak before she began to lecture.

“Jak, do you have *any* idea what time it is?” she demanded, waving her arm in a slightly spastic manner.

“Well, actually--” Jak started.

“No, no, don’t say a word! We were supposed to meet downstairs forty-five minutes ago, and I for one did not get up at the ass-crack of dawn to come down here so everyone could stand me up! I just got through scaring Ashelin and Torn out of their wits and out of Torn’s bed, but *you* have no such excu—Mother of Mar!”

Daxter knew the instant she caught sight of him. //Oh, boy, here we go.//

“Who is *that*?”

The redhead, still reclining unconcernedly amidst the covers and pillows, grinned cheekily and waved. “Heya, sweet-cheeks.”

“Can we talk about that later?” Jak asked, finally managing to pull his shirt into place. “I’ll bring him down with me.”

Rayn stared hard for just a moment before shrugging it off and stalking out. “Fine. You have five minutes!” The door closed behind her with unnecessary force.

Daxter blinked. “Ya know, she never seemed so bossy when I was short enough ta peek up her skirt.”

- // - // - // - // -

The sun was high when Jak and Daxter finally returned from the palace.

Without even needing to ask, the racer brought their zoomer to a halt across the street from the Naughty Ottsel. “Go on, Dax, run and show Tess. I’ll be back for you after I take this back to Keira’s.”

“Thanks, pal.” The ottsel happily hopped down from the hovering vehicle dragging a large bundle of cloth behind him, raising a puff of dust as he landed. “Take yer time, huh? You look drained like a used battery. Take a break. Make Keira make ya lunch, or somethin’.”

Jak rolled his eyes at the prospect of “making” Keira do anything she didn’t necessarily feel like doing, but didn’t argue. He just watched protectively until Daxter had safely cleared the road and made it to the sidewalk in front of the bar with his heavy burden.

The ottsel waved him off with a merry yell. “And bring me more panties!”

Jak snorted and shook his head as he pulled around and slowly headed for the garage. Talk about having a one-track mind. However, a small glimmer of hope was beginning to shine.

Maybe Keira would be glad to see him, especially if he brought her good zoomer back with no scratches or dents. Maybe she really would offer him lunch and they could talk and laugh while they ate, instead of him going back to the Naughty Ottsel and interrupting Dax’s Tessy-time by begging for food. Maybe she had forgotten about that painfully embarrassing panty incident from the day before.

And maybe, just maybe, he could talk to her about the personal issue that was currently tying his brain, nerves, and guts in knots.

//Keira’s pretty much my adopted cousin, for Precursors’ sake,// he rationalized. //We’re practically family. Even if I pose it all strictly hypothetically, I bet she’ll at least listen and be understanding. She won’t need to know who it is I’m in love with or even that it’s me who’s doing the unrequited loving. Yeah, this could work!//

Energized by the thought of finally unburdening himself, if even indirectly, Jak cranked the zoomer and sped off.

- // - // - // - // -

Daxter whistled cheerfully to himself as he slipped into the bar. Yet one more spectacular day to add to the growing store.

Despite Jak’s initial and extreme displeasure at someone else being in on Dax’s Precursor secret, there were big perks to the organizer of their racing team being that someone. The bundle he now carried was one of them: a brand new outfit of racing gear, minus boots that would have to be made custom, all in his human size.

Amazingly Rayn had taken everything in stride, not even bothering to scream when the strange redhead had literally vanished before her eyes and Jak’s annoying ottsel buddy squirmed out from under the collapsed robe in his place. Dax had to hand it to her, the woman had her head on straight. Even Ashelin had yelped a bit when he had first shown off that trick.

Chuckling evilly at the memory Daxter quickly found a place to change, shrugged into his new clothes, and went in search of a certain perky blonde.

“Tess! Oh, Tessy! Hey, wait ‘til ya see what I—!” He stopped stock still in the threshold and stared. “Jeez, Tessy, what happened to ya?”

Behind the bar, Tess squealed and tried to cover her head with a washcloth. “Eeek! No, don’t look at me, I look horrible!”

Morbidly curious, Dax approached the empty counter. “Come on, Tessy-kins, it can’t be that bad. Tell Daxxie what happened, now…” He spoke soothingly while trying to pry her hands away from her head.

Finally he was successful. Tess blinked up tearfully between her fingers, her pretty blonde hair a shocking mess of clumps, tangles, and static electricity.

//Wow. No wonder the sign still says “Closed” this late in the day.// Tess had been too embarrassed to even open up the saloon that morning. “Hot *damn* that’s awful—uh, I mean, it ain’t that bad. But what’d you do to it, exactly?”

Tess sniffled, beet red in the face and ears as she told her tale of woe. “Well… since you boys were going to be gone last night Keira and I decided to have a little bit of a sleepover at her place. I was helping Keira do her laundry, and…”

“Uh-huh?”

“I had the dryer open and was folding towels…”

“Yeah?”

“And it was just so warm and cozy in there that I… I hadn’t been ottsel in a while and I thought…”

Somehow Daxter knew with absolute certainty what was coming next. “And ya thought you’d go furry an’ climb in the dryer, right?”

“I just wanted to make sure I could still do it!” the blonde wailed, covering her face once more. “I was sitting inside matching socks and Keira came in out of the shower and didn’t know I was in there!”

“Oh, no.” This wasn’t good. Daxter was going to laugh any second, there were no two ways about it. A smack was headed his way at the speed of light if he couldn’t control the laugh.

“And then she… she shut the hatch and I was still inside, and she turned on the dryer and couldn’t hear me yelling! It was awful, Daxxie! I just kept going around and around with the socks and towels! And now no matter what I do to it I can’t keep my hair from frizzing and the tangles just keep coming back and I… Daxter, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head violently, both hands clasped over his mouth. There was no way he could hold it back--it was awful but it was just too funny!

“Oh, go ahead, laugh. I shouldn’t have been in there anyway. This just proves how much of a dumb blonde I am, furry or not!”

“No yer not, Tessy-baby! Us ottsels are just drawn ta warm, cozy places like that. Dryers, radiators, occupied beds… it’s our nature.” Consolingly, Daxter tucked a wayward lock of his tearful friend’s frizzed hair back beneath her pink headband. He had to get a handle on this catastrophe so Tess could calm down, compliment his new digs, and hear of his latest Jak triumphs. “C'mon, pour us a drink an’ lemme tell ya what I did when my fur got like that.”

- // - // - // - // -

“So he touched it anyway?” Keira asked in amazement as she readied sandwiches at the counter. “With it sparking and zapping and Vin telling him not to?”

“Well, you know Dax.” Jak grinned at the memory, taking a sip of lemonade. “Yeah, he touched it and it’s a damn wonder he didn’t kill himself. He looked like a piece of popcorn, sparks coming off his goggles and fur all frizzed up. I spent the rest of the night with a wet brush and a dryer sheet trying to get his fur to lay straight.”

Laughing aloud at the story, the two friends sat down to lunch at Keira’s small table. Jak was pleasantly surprised. Things were going exactly how he had pictured them. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened, and it was nice.

“Gosh, that boy.” Keira shook her head fondly at the crazy antics of their impulsive childhood companion. “He’ll never change.”

“Hmm, I hope not.” Ears flicking in contentment at the happy thoughts of Daxter, Jak took a bite of sandwich.

Keira was happy that her friend seemed happy for once. It was good to see him finally bouncing back after the unpleasantness with Erol and Praxis. “So, Jak, what was it you wanted to talk about?” she asked casually.

A large lump of bread, cold cuts, and all the trimmings lodged firmly in the back of the racer’s throat. Grabbing for his glass of lemonade, he managed to choke it all down. “What?”

“You know, you said you wanted to talk to me about something. What’s on your mind, Jak?”

“Um.” Images of Daxter flushed, panting, and squirming were foremost on the list. Blushing slightly, the green-blonde cleared his throat and gave Keira his most earnest look. “See, Keira, it’s like this. Uh, I mean, this isn’t about *me*, you know, but I’ve got this *friend*…”

- // - // - // - // -

“They really are wonderful clothes, Daxxie.”

At the bar, hair emergency put to rest with water and dryer sheets, Daxter and Tess were able to relax. Smiling smugly at the well deserved compliments, Daxter related the tale of how said clothing was acquired.

“Yeah, ain’t they great? Ya shoulda seen it, boss-lady Rayn got on the phone and an hour later they had me all suited up, in my size even!” The redhead neglected to tell his favorite girl, however, that the outfit was in reality a women’s size that had been quickly altered to fit his flat chest. What Tess didn’t know about his skinny-ass measurements wouldn’t embarrass the heck out of him, after all.

“She sure knows how to get things done,” Tess agreed. “But enough about Rayn. In the spirit of accomplishing things…” She leaned forward conspiratorially and somewhat mischievously. “Tell me how things went with Jak! Did you make any progress?”

“Huh?” Startled by the abrupt topic change, it took Daxter a second to process what she was asking. A moment later, though, a bucktoothed smirk slipped into place. “Oh, yeah! Well, Tessy, let’s just say I’m now able ta view Jakkie-boy in a whole different light.”

“Ooh,” she squealed, “tell me, tell me!”

“Well fer starters, somehow he managed ta mess around an’ get fine behind my back. I just thought like somebody admirin’ a painting and, bam! It hit me. But that’s just ‘cause it’s Jak, ya know, an’ I already love him like crazy.” Daxter took a moment to be proud of himself. “See, I can say that now, too.”

“Sweetie, that’s fantastic!” Tess gushed. “You’re well on your way to any kind of relationship you want.”

Grinning hugely, the redhead buffed his nails against the new jacket. “Yep, I figure I can pull just about anythin’ whenever I feel like it an’ he won’t make a peep. Apparently it’s a hidden talent, but come ta find out I’m actually a lean, mean, Jak-seducin’ machine, baby!”

“Congratulations,” Tess murmured, blushing slightly as he filled her in on some of the more interesting details.

“Yeah,” Daxter sighed proudly, cracking his knuckles, “I got the big guy wrapped around my little finger, an’ pretty soon we’re gonna have some serious fun!” He shot her a sly smirk. “Too bad, Tessy-kins, you could'a joined us if ya hadn’t drifted inta Jinx-infested waters.”

Smiling serenely, she upended a glass of ice water in the lap of his new pants. “Oopsie.”

“Hey, *cold*!” Daxter whined miserably, trying in vain to brush off the freezing moisture. “What’d I say?”

“I think you know.”

“C'mon, Tessy, I’m only worried for yer health! The guy’s prob’ly got gonorr-herpe-syphil-AIDS, or somethin’.”

“Daxter!”

The redhead had to grin despite it all. He loved it when Tess got so riled up that she obviously didn’t know whether to laugh or smack him or what. Jak did the same thing, and he loved that, too. Hmm, yeah… Jak all huffy with his fists on his hips, hovering between laughing and a pissy fit was a nice, nice image.

“Can we leave Jinxy out of the conversation?” Tess asked pointedly, a light blush on her pretty face as she wiped imaginary dust off the counter top. “And for your information, what you’re planning to do to Jak is pretty risky in the STD department itself. So I’d think twice before throwing insults around, mister.”

Daxter blinked. “Wadda’ya mean?”

“What do you mean, ‘what do I mean’?”

“Huh?”

“What?”

“I dunno, what?!”

“Daxxie, I’m confused.”

“I mean wadda’ya mean, what I’m plannin’ ta do ta Jak?!” the redhead finally yelled, throwing his arms up in frustration. “I’m not gonna do anythin’ ta him, alright? Just… ya know… the normal stuff.”

Tess quirked a curious eyebrow.

“Ya know, the normal stuff that… people do when they… uh… when they…” Oh, boy. Daxter’s ears slowly drooped, his face falling into a confused and somewhat concerned pout. One finger lightly tapped his chin. “Uh… I guess.”

Arms folded over bountiful bosoms, the blonde smiled sweetly. “You have no idea what to do with another man, do you?”

“Well jeez, Tessy, I wasn’t worried ‘bout that before now!” Daxter wailed, dropping his slightly warm face into gloved hands. “Hell no I got no idea what ta do with a guy! You think I actually thought that far ahead?”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“Ha, ha. Yer killin’ me, sweetheart.” The redhead was not amused. “Look, I’ll figure it out. You shove tab A into slot B. I got a feelin’ it won’t be that hard ta pick up.”

“I really do think you should find someone to ask about this, sweetie,” Tess hinted strongly. “I may not be a man, and I may not swing that way, but I do know that if you go into this and don’t know what you’re doing one of you is probably going to get hurt. You don’t want that, do you?”

Unconsciously Daxter dropped a hand to pat thoughtfully at the seat of his racing pants. She had a point. But who in the world would he ever ask? He had to find out somehow. Odds were a million to one that Jak knew any more on the subject than he did, and the redhead suspected they wouldn’t get very far if neither of them had a clue.

It seemed there was yet more effort that needed to be applied to the Jak + Daxter = Love equation. Oh yeah, Jak owed him big time for this.

“Grr, sex ain’t supposed ta be this complicated, dammit! Tessy, ya know anybody who might know?”

She considered for a moment. “Hmm… Oh, what about the Shadow? He’s very smart. I’m sure he knows plenty of things we’d never even guess at.”

Daxter shuddered. A question like *that* would go over well. NOT. “Pass.”

“Alright, what about your friend Pecker? Maybe he could ask Onin to—”

“Pass!”

“Okay then… Don’t worry, Daxxie, we’ll figure this out together! I know, why don’t you just ask the Precursors? They’re all-knowing, aren’t they?”

The redhead perked at the suggestion. “Hey, yeah! I’m sure my fellow fur-balls wouldn’t leave their ol’ pal Orange Lightning hangin’!”

*-*-*-*-*

Somewhere far away, inside the Precursor ship…

Three furry deities stood slack jawed around the swirling portal that permitted them visions of the outside world and was, at that moment, trained on the Naughty Ottsel Saloon. For a long moment none spoke, but finally the silence was broken as a tall, surfer-slanged ottsel slowly cleared his throat.

“Dude… I’m not touchin’ this one, man.”

“Agreed.” The portly ottsel Precursor solemnly snapped the portal closed. “Anyone for gin rummy?”

*-*-*-*-*

Back at the bar…

A distraught redhead moaned, dropping his face into his arms. “Great. *Now* what am I supposed ta do?”

- // - // - // - // -

To be continued…

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(2nd) AN: I know, I know, it’s a crummy place to stop. But it was least crummy of all the other places I could have stopped. Don’t worry, though. Lucky for you, me, and Jak, Dax never has known when to quit. I’ll jump on the next chapter right away. I’m also well aware that the summer is swiftly waning, and the looming threat of college again eating away most of my writing time approaches. (flogs self to write faster)

By the by… I’ve gone and done it. The blooper scenes from chapter five were so popular I’ve decided to make them a semi-permanent part of the rest of the fic. Sort of as an outlet for the Flaming Humor, as it were. There’s even more of them this time. And again, they’re completely random and completely stupid, but could easily have made it into the real fic had I not been forced to use my better judgment. Enjoy.

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Light Jak Shoulder Angel: I’m very disappointed in you, Mister.

Jak: (hangs head) I know.

Dark Jak Shoulder Devil: Oh, come on. The carrot top was practically *begging* for it! You just gave him what he wanted.

Light Jak: That’s not true and you know it. Don’t distort things!

Dark Jak: Na-nah! (sticks out tongue)

Jak: Uh…

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Daxter: Heya, Samos! Hey, listen, ya think ya could do little Daxter a favor an’ give me a few pointers on doin’ the deed with yer adopted kid, champion racer an’ three-time savior of the world?

Samos: (twitch) Stay away from my boy, dirty heathen child!

Daxter: (is bludgeoned with stick) Ouch… *bleed*

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Dark Jak: Seriously, you’ve got to get in touch with your inner beast.

Light Jak: Ignore him, Jak.

Dark Jak: You’re an animal! If you want something, you’ll damn well reach out and—(humping motions)—take it! A-wooo! Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Jak: *blush*

Light Jak: (covers face) This is not even right…

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Daxter: Pecker, I’ll give ya a banana if ya get Onin ta tell me how ta have butt sex with Jak.

Pecker: Ah, the forbidden bond of love between a hero and his pet rat. I shed a tear for your romantic, yet ill-fated, destiny. (pause) And now I laugh at you for it. Ha!

Daxter: I hate you.

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Dark Jak: Come on, Killer, let’s hear your best beast noise. Gimme a growl, a howl, anything!

Jak: Uh… meow?

Dark Jak: Well, I was going for horn dog over sex kitten, but I guess if that’s your thing...

Light Jak: (bashes head on wall) I quit.

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Fat Precursor: I’m telling you there are no love scenes in the Prophesy, homosexual or otherwise! Quite frankly I’m very disturbed by this.

Surfer Precursor: Yeah right, dude. I bet you’re the one who wrote it all out, pervert.

Fat Precursor: I did not!

Surfer Precursor: Sure, man, sure.

Fat Precursor: I didn’t!

Stupid Precursor: Uh… if Daxter likes Jak, why’d we make the pretty lady furry, again?

Ottsel Tess: (taps foot) Good question.

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Jak: Okay guys, I’m screwed up in the head enough already. Get lost.

Light Jak: Alright, Jak. Just remember, we’re here for you when you need—eeek!

Dark Jak: (jumps Light) Go get ‘im, Tiger. Show no mercy!

Light Jak: Help meeee~!

Dark Jak: *evil chuckle* Grr, baby.

Jak: I SO need therapy…

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