Gone Adventuring

The party finally set off after Tennas coaxed the ladies out of bed. That in itself seemed unnatural to him, he usually specialised in getting them IN to bed. He tried to think of what they could do next. There were undoubtedly more quests he could undertake in the city or they could go out and explore the nearby towns. Oh, and the elves probably want their Lanthorn back as well. He hadn’t gone a dozen paces out of the inn before Aerie was at his side asking if they could drop in to visit her Uncle Quayle. Tennas shrugged and decided that they might as well since they were in the area. He led his party into the circus tent.

Quayle seemed a nice enough Gnome but he was looking at Tennas with a hint of distrus his his eyes. Tennas puzzled over it before realising the Gnome suspected him of sleeping with Aerie. Tennas wasn’t sure whether to be offended (because he WASN’T doing it with Aerie) or angry (because HE wasn’t doing it with Aerie). “That’s just great.” Tennas thought to himself, “She’s munching the carpet with Nalia and this Gnome thinks I’m leading her astray.” Regardless of how he felt, Quayle asked Tennas to help an old friend of his. Tennas couldn’t say no, not with Aerie making puppy dog eyes at him, so they were soon hiking off to the bridge district.

The play was the worst Tennas had ever seen. Even drunk he could have performed better, of course most bards considered sobriety to be an unnatural condition in need of a cure. Tennas went backstage after the performance ended and found the person in charge, a strangely exotic looking woman called Raelis Shae. Tennas considered and abandoned using his normal pick up lines on her. Being a fellow performer she wouldn’t be sucked in by them. Besides, in his experience, actresses were either sluts or frigid bitches so regardless of what tact you took with them the result was already predetermined. She asked him to go and rescue one of her troupe from a wizard who had taken him captive. That puzzled Tennas greatly. Most wizards were dirty old men so he couldn’t see why she didn’t just sleep with him and take off with her actor while he was snoring afterwards. Raelis looked like she’d be very grateful if he did it so he agreed.

A bit of sewer crawling and questing later and Tennas was on his way back with a bard called Haer'Dalis. He was even stranger looking than Raelis had been although the ladies did seem to be eyeing him over. They arrived back, much to Raelis’ delight, after some payment (no sex? Dammit) she asked them to watch over them while they opened a portal out of there. “A planeswalker? That explains why she looks so odd” realised Tennas “Probably a good thing I didn’t try to get her into the sack. The gods only know what she’s got inside her panties.” After killing few weak monsters, a bunch of mean looking guards appeared. Tennas was stunned for a second and hesitated. Before he could decide on a course of action the guards had arrested Raelis Shae and merry men. and taken them through the opened portal. Tennas considered quickly, the bard code of ethics said to look after fellow bards. Or was that to watch out for other bards in case they stole your women, gold or booze? He sometimes regretted turning up to his ethics classes either drunk or hung over. Well, the equipment the guards had been carrying looked like they’d sell for a nice price at least. Time for a rescue mission he decided.

“Nobody told me we’d be facing demons” moaned Tennas as they battled the master of thralls. He took a few unexpected punches before he realised he was facing some air elementals as well. Time to summon in some allies of their own he decided. He pulled out a magical horn that they’d “liberated” earlier. As always it summoned in a barbarian berserker to fight for them. Tennas sighed, as always it called in a man. Just once he’d like it to call in a leather clad female. Why, after the fight, if she was still feeling frisky, they could… Whack. A hard punch from an air elemental got Tennas’ mind back on the job. He set to work with his swords alongside Mazzy leaving the other ladies to provide magical backup.

After killing the warden and staging a prison break, the party were back at the theatre under the inn. Tennas had waited patiently for a minute before Raelis sighed and led him aside to fulfil the traditional obligation of a rescued bard. She decided to give him a blow job – and it was one of the freakiest that Tennas had ever had. As part of her outworlder nature, Raelis had a tongue that could stick out of her mouth for five inches. She didn’t even need to take the “little adventurer” into her mouth; she just wrapped her tongue all the way around it aorkeorked it back and forth. It was like a hand job with a tongue instead. As a result she didn’t even get hit when Tennas finalame.ame. Before leaving through another portal she handed Tennas the deed to the theatre.

Tennas admired his new office. He was especially impressed with the nice casting couch. It had a silk lining and was very well padded. It was certain to come in handy soon, and speaking of which…. A dozen actresses filed into the room. Tennas eyed them over. It appeared they all were all various types of cute. “Looks like the elves will be waiting for a fair while” he thought to himself “Now, where to start?” Tennas examined the play script he had in front of him. First he needed to decide on a lead character. Well this could be fun. He smiled warmly and asked, “So. How eager are you ladies to …. get on top shall we say?” A rather large breasted but small brained brunette replied, “Well. With our previous director we usually had a contest to see who give them the hardest orgasm.”

Tennas tensed and waited for his libido to go crazy. After a few uneventful seconds he frowned slightly. He’d expected his libido to have torn half the girls’ clothes off by now. He turned his attention inwards and found his libido was sitting by itself, twitching slightly, and it seemed to be counting. “What the fuck?” Tennas thought to himself, “What’s going on in there?” His intellect wandered over and considered the matter before answering “I believe the poor boy is overloaded. There are twelve women willing to compete for your affection. Even if you have one on your groin, one on your face, two on either hand and one on each foot there will still be four left over.” After another a second his intellect looked worried and said “Oh dear.” He called a huddle with the other voices. After a brief discussion a group comment was heard “Ah shit”. The libido was still trying to work things out. It was considering if it could pleasure a pair of women using the nipples so it was caught completely by surprise when the other voices all piled on top of it. “What’s the problem?” Tennas asked. Sitting on the top of the heap his intellect answered “They were all sleeping with the previous director. Remember who that was?”

Strange and kinky sex was something Tennas never forgot so the answer wasn’t hard to come up with. He groaned and asked for confirmation “So. You are all lesbians?” They blushed slightly and nodded, the brunette added “We all took a vow. After Miss Shae we just couldn’t go back to men.” A muffled voice in Tennas’ head roared “That’s not fucking fair. She cheated.” “How so?” Tennas asked. “The freaky bitch had a five inch tongue. She’d be a champion at eating pussy.” Tennas thought to himself, “No wonder she didn’t go and screw that wizard to get her boys freedom. And she managed to avoid having to swallow or even touch when she did me as well. Wow. I think I’d really like her, if she hadn’t cost me a dozen good fucks.”

After thinking about it, Tennas was now feeling somewhat betrayed; it was one thing when a pretty woman decided she wanted to go upstairs with Imoen instead of him. (Not so bad since Imoen didn’t bother to ward against scrying.) This kind of mass desertion was another matter entirely. His “devil” personality popped up on his left shoulder, took a swig out of a bottle and slurred “Fuck ‘em. Make the bitches suffer for this.” Tennas glanced at his right shoulder at his “angel” persona who took a long drag on something best described as spell components before saying “Chill dude. Don’t get all violent or nothing. If nothing else, remember the mantra they taught you in school: A hand raised in anger today could mean a panty that doesn’t drop tomorrow.” Tennas tended to agree with both arguments and after a minute came up with an ideal plan.

An hour later the actresses all filed out onto the stage. They were a little confused as they had been told they’d be auditioning for the lead role but hadn’t been given any scripts. After a minute Viconia strutted out onto the stage in a tight black leather outfit and carrying a sack packed with toys. She eyed the actresses off and purred “You can call me Mistress Viconia”

Another hour later Tennas finally found the willpower to look away. It had certainly been an educational experience for all involved. The big titted brunette had learned it was possible to cum and cry at the same time. A cute little redhead had discovered she was really into spanking while a blonde had discovered that it was somehow possible for another woman to fit a fist in both her pussy and her ass at the same time. Tennas had improved his vocabulary as well, according to Viconia the human word “mercy” sounded exactly like a drow word meaning “hurt me more you nasty bitch” which either explained the drow reputation for viciousness or demonstrated how full of bullshit Viconia was. As he looked around, Tennas was shocked to discover they had a full house.

Yet another hour later and Tennas was in even more shock. Instead of running him out of town or burning him at the stake he’d actually been offered money to buy his theatre. After a bidding war he’d ended up with ten thousand gold. As he considered what to buy with the money he realised his body had gotten up and was steadily walking along. “I didn’t plan to go anywhere” he thought to himself “What’s up?” His intellect was handling directions and replied “Try and stay casual. We need to get out of the city pronto.” “Huh?” Tennas responded. “Think about what the ladies were doing while the show was on” was the reply. Tennas considered, Viconia’s role had been fairly obvious; the new owners were somewhat disappointed to learn that the drow wasn’t part of the deal. Viconia had been forced to promise she would finish training the ladies before she left. Since no gods had struck her down with a lightning bolt for her performance he doubted that was the problem. Mazzy and Jaheira had acted as bodyguards, standing in front of the stage and beating the crap out of any patrons who tried to climb up and join in on the action. That could have been a problem since they had to knock a few zealots out but Jaheira had healed their injuries so there wouldn’t be any evidence. Tennas thought harder. Nalia had been the cashier, collecting entry money for the people (well men) flocking in. She hadn’t even had to dress like a slut to get people to stay, one look at the action on stage any they couldn’t pay fast enough. Some of them probably overpaid but he didn’t see that coming back to haunt them. Imoen had been the coat check girl. That could be a problem since he doubted she’d leave any purses or jewellery behind but most of the patrons had been in a kind of a daze when they left so he doubted she’d be fingered as the culprit. Even if she was caught, after the guards “interrogated” her she could usually just stroll out the door with everything she’d nicked.

“Let me think, that’s almost everybody. Who’s left? Oh yeah, Aerie. What was she doing again?” Suddenly Tennas went from casual walk to flat out sprint. He grabbed his companions and directed them towards the city gates, all the time fearing an army of city guards were descending on them. After some running Imoen managed to catch up with him enough to ask “What’s the fucking problem? We just made a fortune in gold, why aren’t we taking it easy for a few days?” Tennas managed to gasp out “Aerie. She was running a snack stall back there.” Imoen was practically a blur as she raced past him.

A few days of hard travelling saw the party in the lands southeast of Athkatla. Tennas’ panic had turned to exhaustion and he decided they needed to stop somewhere for some rest. He enquired with the others about likely spots. Nalia had never been this far south but Mazzy told him that her hometown of Trademeet was only a few hours travel away. They changed course for the town.

The scene that greeted them on arrival was chaotic to say the least. Tennas said out loud, “Good lord. I’ve heard rumours about country folk but I’ve never heard of them having a bestiality festival.” Mazzy punched him hard in the arm and told him, “You idiot. They are fighting those animals.” Just then a large wolf turned towards them and charged growling viciously. Jaheira stepped forward and said, “Let me handle this.” She quickly intoned a druidic spell to charm the animal. Half a minute later Tennas asked “Would you like some time alone perhaps?” Jaheira glared death at Tennas while she tried to shake off the wolf that was happily humping her leg. After a minute she convinced the wolf to take off into the forest. They entered town just as the last animal was killed.

A visit to the mayor followed by a chat with an imprisoned druid had Tennas looking at yet another quest. This one at least offered to pay well though. After a nights rest they hiked out to the druids grove they’d been told about. “Not more bloody trolls”, Tennas moaned as they started running into the regenerating beasts. Thankfully he had another mage this time so they managed to fireball them out of existence in record time. After some more trolls and some hostile druids Tennas found himself in front of a small building. He scratched his head and commented, “I thought druids all lived in trees or under bushes or something.” Jaheira had no idea why there would be a house so close to a druid grove so the party went inside. A pretty woman was living inside the house. Tennas considered briefly, his party had used up a fair number of spells killing the trolls so taking some time to regain them would be a good idea. He talked to the woman and she agreed to let them rest there for a while. The ladies hiked up the stairs while Tennas decided to chat up the home owner a bit more.

He played on the fact that she was a lonely woman out in the middle of nowhere (ignoring the possibility that she might be some kind of druid groupie). She seemed a bit cautious at first but she started to warm up and finally Tennas made it to first base.

It must be said in his defence that he was still pretty horny from watching Viconia’s dominatrix performance a few days ago and having been travelling so quickly meant he hadn’t had any chance for self relief. As such he normally wouldn’t have made the comment he was about to make and he sure as fuck isn’t expecting the reaction he’s about to get.

“At last, looks like I’ve found the pussy I’ve been searching for” Tennas muttered half to himself. The lady whipped around to stare at him in shock and said “What? How did you find out my secret? Damn you!” Tennas was confused, her secret? That she was horny as well? The woman suddenly blurred and turned into a humanoid tiger. Tennas began to swear loudly “Ah shit, not another perverted druid.” From above came Jaheira’s voice “They’re Rakshasa you fuckwit.” Tennas blinked and dodged a clawed hand that swiped at him. He began doing some mental calculations and realised his normal long swords weren’t enchanted strong enough to hurt a Rakshasa. Some of the ladies had weapons that were potent enough but it sounded like they had troubles of their own. With a grimace, Tennas reached into his bag of holding and pulled out his weapon of last resort. “So are we gonna kick some butt now? Huh? Huh?” asked Lilarcor the sentient blade. Tennas wasn’t very good at fighting with a two handed sword, of course with Lilarcor it was hard to stay focused on the job at hand anyway. The sentient blade kept mouthing off “Oh, we’re facing cat people today are we? That raises a question, who’s the bigger pussy – her or the guy wielding me?” “Shut the fuck up sword” Tennas replied. “Oooh. You sound so tough. How are you gonna make me? Huh? Those cute little girls you travel with have got more balls that you do.” Tennas tried to stay focused on the battle with the Rakshasa, he had to occupy it so it couldn’t use any magic against him. Tenns tried reasoning with the sword “Do you have any suggestion for fighting Rakshasa? Surely you’ve faced them before?” Lilarcor replied, “Sure I have. Here are two suggestions for you; firstly you can’t suck up to them so fanning them with cool air like you’re doing isn’t going to help. Secondly, try giving me to someone who has actual skill. Maybe that hot little halfling perhaps? She can unsheathe me anytime.” Tennas’ vision went red as the insults finally got to him. He abandoned attacking the Rakshasa and began swinging wildly trying to bash the sword against the nearby furniture. He almost didn’t notice when a freak swing accidentally beheaded his opponent. He turned and stared in shock as its body slumped to the ground.

A short time later the ladies charged down the stairs having taken out their own opponents. Jaheira commented, “Amazing. I didn’t think you’d have a chance against a Rakshasa by yourself.” Tennas recovered, buffed his nails and said, “Of course I was fine. I’m a skilled swordsman amongst my other talents you know.” Lilarcor had a different opinion “You? Like hell. The only thing you are good at is fucking, and by that I mean fucking up. If you’d fought any worse you would’ve chopped your own head off. Now hand me over to Aerie, I need a good polishing after a fight like that.” Tennas rammed Lilarcor back into his bag of holding.

They continued on until they reached the druid grove. Tennas led the way inside where he found a number of druids listening to another one sitting on a throne. As he approached, Tennas was surprised to find he wasn’t working on some pick up lines to use on her. He feared that Jaheira had scared him off of all druids for life. Tennas spoke to the druid leader and didn’t understand half of what she was saying. Shadow druids? Jaheira seemed to understand though and was pretty pissed off. Well, more pissed off than usual. Jaheira challenged the shadow druid to a battle for the grove. Tennas sighed sadly, he’d hoped this could be solved by diplomatic means.

“What the fuck was I thinking?” Tennas asked out loud. He hadn’t realised that the battle for the grove would be the two women grappling naked in a pit. In fact he’d taken up position right next to the pit and was munching down popcorn happily. He had to hold back his libido when both druids stripped down and climbed into the pit. “We can act as referee” suggested his libido “We might need to pull them apart if they start wrestling each other, who knows what might happen if they start rubbing their naked bodies against each other. On second thought, let’s stay here and watch.” The two women didn’t hesitate and immediately grabbed some quarterstaffs that were in the pit. They began swinging at each other. Tennas suspected Jaheira would have the edge in straight combat as she was a skilled fighter as well as being a druid. If the fight turned to spellcasting then he wasn’t sure who would have the edge. After a minute of exchanging blows, Jaheira was starting to gain the advantage. The other druid finally got fed up, ducked under a sweeping attack from Jaheira, and tackled her to the ground. Tennas leapt to his feet, this was what he’d been waiting for. A few second later he half doubled over as an ominous rumbling came from his stomach. “What the?” he groaned as his bowels started suggesting he head for the toilet. The two women were rolling around in the dirt now and Tennas tried to stay focused on them. His bowels were ringing alarm bells loudly now and tears began to form in Tennas’ eyes. He wondered why now of all times he needed to… “Oh shit” he said as he noticed the bag he’d been eating popcorn out of. He’d been so excited about the bitch fight he hadn’t even thought twice when he was handed some popcorn. Apparently Aerie still had some leftovers from her snack shop. Tennas tried desperately to stay focused on the fight and quell his rebelling stomach but it was no good. With a cry he dashed out of the grove and began looking for a bush to go behind.

Half an hour later he stumbled back in. His stomach was still rumbling but he’d pretty much emptied out as much as he could. Jaheira was talking to the other druids and there was no sign of the former leader. Imoen wandered over with a smile on her face, Tennas asked her “So we won?” She replied “Yep.” “I don’t see a corpse; did Jaheira eat her or something?” Imoen smiled wickedly and said “Maybe.” Tennas’ eyes lit up and he asked, “You mean they actually went and…” She answered “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Tennas groaned, it was turning into yet another of those days.

The party returned to Trademeet and told the mayor the good news. He was ecstatic and gave them all sorts of nice loot and promised to have their statues carved for the entire town to see. It took a minute before Tennas realise that Imoen had wandered off. He checked with the others and they said she’d headed off towards the markets. Tennas hoped she wasn’t robbing all of the merchants. Well kind of hoping. At least he was hoping she wouldn’t get caught. He finally caught sight of her hiking back towards him with a new blade in her hand. When she got close he could see it was a fancy looking scimitar. It wasn’t a weapon he favoured although Jaheira had some skill with them. Tennas looked the scimitar over and asked “Where did you get this?” She told him “I thought that Rakshasa was hiding from someone so I kept her head in case there was a bounty. Apparently some Djiin were looking for it. This is the reward they gave me.” Tennas ran the words through his head for a second before asking “What else did you get?” Imoen said “I told you, this was the only reward for the Rakshasa.” Tennas knew his sister far too well “Yes, but what else did you get?” She sighed and pulled out a fancy looking bottle. “I think it’s a summoning bottle. Hang on, I’ll try it out.” She rubbed on the bottle for a second and a cloud of smoke poured out of it and formed into a female djiin. Tennas eyed her over appreciatively, her skin was a strange sky blue and but she was damn sexy looking regardless. Then the djiin turned to Imoen and in a sultry voice asked, “How can I please yostrestress?” Imoen’s face lit up as certain possibilities occurred to her. Tennas just hoped she’d be too busy to ward against scrying as usual.
They headed to the local inn and had barely gotten a dozen paces in the door when a man saw him and cried “Oh no. Another Bhaalspawn, not again” Suddenly the guy vanished with a popping sound. Tennas stopped, completely stunned. What was that guys’ problem? Why would he care that he was a Bhaalspawn? Tennas thought about that, he only knew three Bhaalspawn – Sarevok who was dedicated to killing everyone, Imoen who was dedicated to stealing everything and himself who was dedicated to banging every able bodied female who he came across. Perhaps there was a Bhaalspawn who was dedicated to ass raping everyone he came across or one who loved giving wedgies or maybe one with terrible flatulence or something. Oh crap, if crazy obsessive behaviour was typical of Bhaalspawn then he could be marching around with an entire party of them.

They spent the night in Trademeet. To Tennas’ dismay the djiin cast some kind of warding spell just as Imoen was stripping off. It caused the vision through his wizard’s eye to blur. When the warding eventually wore off, he could see no sign of the djiin but Imoen was lying sprawled exhausted and naked on her bed which looked like it had been hit by a tornado. Tennas looked around for other candidates. Nalia and Aerie were sitting together at a table in the corner. On a closer look it seemed they each had an arm hidden by the tablecloth and the forced expressions on their face suggested they weren’t just holding hands. Viconia had a stack of parchment and appeared to be composing a very long letter. Tennas sent his wizards eye over to see what she was writing. It appeared to be a missive to the actresses back at the show giving a practical guide to bondage and S&M. She’d written three pages just on the proper techniques for spanking someone with a cane so it looked like she wouldn’t be done anytime soon. Jaheira had an aura of “fuck off” around her and Mazzy was off visiting family. That was a pity, he was certain she was getting some fisting from Imoen so he hoped she’d stretched out enough that he wouldn’t risk getting the “little adventurer” ripped off or skinned. Tennas thought to himself, “I might as well have tried life as a monk for all the action I’ve been getting lately. Well, maybe tomorrow my luck will change”

As they prepared to leave Trademeet the following day, Tennas wandered over to the town fountain. The local artists appeared to have done a rush job and had their statues already on display. Tennas eyed them over critically, something about them appeared wrong to him. After a half minute he caught on and signalled for Imoen to come over. He pointed at the statues and asked “Well?” She admired them and said “Nice job. They really caught our inner selves don’t you think?” Tennas replied “Don’t you think they are maybe a little, overstated perhaps?” Imoen looked closer and said, “Nope. They seem fine to me.” Tennas tried a more direct approach “Even if you stuffed your bra with watermelons you’d never be that well stacked and your ass has never looked that good. You didn’t have a quiet word with the artists by any chance?” Imoen put on her most innocent expression and said “Heaven’s no. Not me. No way.” At the same time she was thinking “Technically true, there wasn’t much talking and it we weren’t very quiet either.” After her giving her a final suspicious look, Tennas led his party out of town.

After returning the lanthorn to the elves they used it to locate their hidden city. A number of tough battles later, including another bloody dragon and Tennas found himself facing Irenicus again. “Time to get my soul back” Tennas muttered to himself, “Odd that my behaviour didn’t change like Imoen’s did. I suppose there was no further depth to sink to.” Irenicus began a typical bad guy speech which was interrupted briefly by some hot looking elf babe who Tennas realised must be the elf Queen Ellesime. That filled Tennas with conviction; Nalia was the highest ranking woman he’d ever managed to nail. Banging a queen would almost certainly earn him a place in the bard history books. Just before the battle began, Tennas noticed something strange about the way Irenicus was moving. He thought about it for a second then, despite the situation, began laughing. Everyone looked at him strangely until he asked, “Let me guess, you’ve got metal underpants on?” Irenicus looked embarrassed briefly, apparently he’d assumed they still had the Penetrator, then he looked pissed and Tennas dove to avoid an incoming fireball.

The battle started to rage and Tennas was thankful he’d collected so many magic users as Irenicus had erected some considerable magic defences. Tennas blinked and suddenly Irenicus had changed position while Jaheira and Mazzy were down almoslmost out. “Shit” Tennas said to himself “He can use a time stop spell? This is not going well.” As fast as his party stripped away protection spells, Irenicus erected new ones. “Time for something drastic” Tennas thought, “I thought it would never come to this, but it’s time to use some actual leadership skills.” He charged forward while yelling to his mages “Cast breach on him”. Aerie, Nalia and Imoen all complied and several protection spells vanished. Tennas had begun casting his own spell while thinking “Metal underpants? Not a good idea when your opponent can use magic.” As he reached Irenicus, Tennas dropped to one knee and let fly with a lightning bolt at groin height. Irenicus made a sound of pain that Tenns had never heard before. He didn’t waste time in sympathy though and resumed the attack. It didn’t take long before Irenicus fell. Tennas waited, expecting his soul to return, instead het hit himself being sucked down (and not in the good sense).

The party studied their new surroundings. It didn’t take a genius to work out where they were. Tennas winced as the ladies glared at him and all thought the same thing “I just knew if I kept following this dickhead I’d end up down here.” After some deliberation they set out to explore their new surroundings.

Down one set of stairs they found a demon that began telling them about a mighty monster behind it and suggested that the beast would pose no problem for a warrior of Tennas’ skill. Tennas thought about that, “I have a demon here in front of me telling me there is a mighty monster behind it? Just how damn powerful must it be if a demon is trying to sucker me into fighting it? Do I really look that stupid? Screw that.” Tennas asked if he could avoid fighting it and the demon conceded that he could simply ask for the artefact that the creature was holding. Tennas walked on and collected a tear of Bhaal.

Down another staircase they found a demon who offered Tennas a cloak made from the skin of nymphs. Tennas had never met a nymph before but the rumours he’d heard suggested there were much better uses for them than skinning. He told the demon “Forget it. Don’t you know that bards have another way of becoming completely fearless?” The demon looked slightly impressed and answered “Really? What is it?” Tennas pulled out a flask and said “Booze”. After a couple ofgs hgs he staggered forward and found the second tear of Bhaal.

Down the third stairwell and Aerie was whisked away. A demon told Tennas he’d have to make some sacrifices or Aerie would be killed. Tennas thought hard, Aerie might be thankful enough to him to actually spread her legs if he spared her life. Heck Nalia might be willing to thank him as well, maybe even at the same time. Speaking of which, Tennas glanced at Nalia and realised she was giving him a very cold stare. Oooookay, on the other hand it might be worth doing it just to avoid pissing off a very powerful mage. The first door Tennas passed made him feel a little bit weaker. The second made him feel a little bit fumble fingered. Tennas muttered to himself “Eh. It’s not like I have time to play the harp anymore.” When he passed through the third door he fell to he’s knees and cried “Noooo! Anything but that!” Many years ago he’d managed to get incredibly drunk and woke up in an all girl’s school dormitory. He’d spent a week hiding out and had managed to pop half a dozen cherries before the headmistress found him. She’d offered him a choice. Either sexually satisfy her or she’d spank him hard with a cane. It was a hard choice; on one hard he’d heard older women could be great in bed. On the other hand she was both old and as ugly as a sack full of assholes. He didn’t have enough paper bags on hand so he’d taken the spanking. Now the fun with the schoolgirls had just been sucked from his head and so had the address of the school. Unfortunately the memory of the spanking still remained as well as the ugly old headmistress batting her eyes at him seductively.

Staircase four saw a demon give Tennas a magical sword. “Excellent” Tennas thought, I can actually wield this. The party then followed a path which led to a genie who gave them a riddle. Tennas turned away from the genie and thought about the riddle. If he understood correctly then the sword was the key to the puzzle. Obviously he had to use the sword to kill the genie. Deciding to use the element of surprise, Tennas turned and tried to lunge at the genie. Instead he tripped on a rock and fell flat on his face while the sword flew through the air and was caught by the genie. Before Tennas could say “Give me my fucking sword back” the genie had thanked him and vanished leaving another tear behind.

Tennas led his companions down the last stairway and was shocked to see his dead brother Sarevok. “Well, I suppose he would be here in hell” Tennas thought to himself. Sarevok began speaking and Tennas assumed it was another bad guy speech so he just nodded and said yes from time to time while he tried to remember where that all girls’ school had been. He almost didn’t notice when Sarevok started attacking and ducked just in time to avoid having his head getting cut off. In the end it wasn’t much of a contest, Tennas was a lot stronger than when he’d killed Sarevok last time and his several of his team had faced him previously as well.

Tennas examined the large door which seemed to have slots for the various tears he’d been collecting. Something told him that putting the tears in the slots would trigger a point of no return. He considered his party members and wondered if any of them would be interested in “one for the road”. Then he realised if they all took him up on his offer they’d all be too tired to walk, let alone fight and he wasn’t keen on taking a nap in hell. With a sigh he loaded the tears into their slots. He was pleasantly surprised to feel a surge of power with each added tear. He wasn’t so pleased when Irenicus appeared and shifted into Slayer form.

Irenicus, along with a team of demons began attacking the party. Tennas wished he’d picked up some more fighters along the way as his mages wouldn’t last long against demons. Imoen shouted, “I’m going to call in some support”. She pulled out the genie bottle and began rubbing it, Tennas paused for a moment to admire her technique, hoping he’d experience it again sometime in the future. The genie appeared in a puff of smoke and Tennas nearly dropped his sword. Instead of her usual clothes, the genie was wearing a sexy outfit made of leather and lace. She looked surprised for a moment before snapping her fingers and changing into something more suitable for battle. Tennas regained his focus and was surprised to find his head hadn’t been ripped off. His mind raced as he remembered how the Slayer had reacted to Viconia’s offering and figured the sight of the genie had caused a similar response. Tennas spun and was going to attack Irenicus while he was distracted. It might have worked, if Tennas hadn’t tripped over another rock. Fortunately for him, the Slayers monster penis had popped out and he hit it on his way down.

The Slayer rampaged around, blind with pain. It actually killed the remaining demons by itself before Irenicus managed to regain control. He turned to Tennas and slowly lumbered forward with fury in his eyes. Tennas swallowed hard and only the lack of obvious escape routes kept him from running. As the Slayer tensed to attack there was a call from one side “Yoohoo. Mr Slayer. How about coming over here?” Tennas and Irenicus turned and saw the ladies had all stripped naked and were crouching on each others bodies to form a human (well, human/elf) pyramid. Imoen was on top and was wiggling her ass seductively. Both Irenicus and Tennas turned and began to approach them in a trance. The Slayer was faster though and as soon as he blocked out Tennas’ view of the ladies he snapped back to reality and attacked it from behind. It roared and turned to attack him again only to be hammered by an array of spells from the ladies. It staggered and Tennas stabbed it hard with his swords. Finally Irenicus fell to the ground dead; the ladies leapt into each others arms and began kissing each other in celebration. Tennas’ last thought before darkness claimed him was “Now THAT is what I call teamwork”

Several days later, the ladies and Queen Ellesime were waiting around Tennas’ bed. The ladies had regained consciousness a couple of days ago but Tennas still remained unmoving. Ellesime suggested, “Perhaps we should try some kind of stimuli to awaken him? Sometimes a sound or a smell can awaken bring someone back around. The ladies exchanged glances and all began giggling. Ellesime looked confused “Did I say something funny?” Imoen told her, “We just happen to know there’s one form of stimuli that will never wake him up.” Ellesime arched an eyebrow curiously.

Five minutes later she was naked and riding up and down on the “little adventurer” who hadn’t decided if it was alive or dead but was happy to go with dead if this happened to be heaven. Jaheira and Aerie were working on a nipple each while Viconia was helping to repair the rift between surface elves and drow by tongue kissing the queen and rubbing at her pussy with one hand. After a half hour without Tennas waking up, the Queen gave up and began thanking the ladies individually. Imoen felt a little bit guilty as she watched Viconia slam her magical strap on into a groaning Ellesime, she really should be recording this magically for Tennas to watch later. Unfortunately she hadn’t the right spell memorised and she couldn’t drag herself away to learn it.

An hour of “thanking” later and the ladies all decided to leave for some refreshment. As they were heading for the door, Ellesime commented “Come on. We can get some wine out of my personal stock. I think I’ve got some dwarvern ale as well” Suddenly Tennas twitched and slowly regained consciousness. The ladies hurried back to check on him. After ensuring he was all right, most of them headed off and promised to have some booze delivered to him. Tennas asked Imoen “Did anything happen while I was out?” Imoen thought briefly, the elves had been overjoyed by their victory and, concerned by the population drop from those killed in battle, they’d gotten carried away and thrown a five day orgy. Imoen had only been awake for the last two days of it but had gotten more cock than she’d expected to have in an entire lifetime. Some unhappy looking clerics (presumably they’d taken a vow of celibacy) had been wandering around and casting healing spells on anyone too tired or sore to continue. The party had finally wound down last night so Imoen didn’t see the need to mention it. “Nothing much” she answered.

Many months later and Tennas was scribbling into his diary. It was a special bard edition diary that had a section to mark down sexual conquests. You could tick boxes like blonde or redheads and even make little notes like “threesome” or “in bed next to husband while he was asleep”. In Tennas case he’d omitted a large number of entries because things like “had ass spanked while simulacrum did a gang bang next door” was bad for his reputation. Tennas flicked back a number of pages and reviewed what had happened since Irenicus had been defeated. He’d hoped that he’d be able to hang around the elven city for a while and possibly attract a harem of grateful elven women. He couldn’t understand what was going on, it was almost as if they’d had their fill of sex for an entire lifetime. Even his barding songs didn’t seem to make much of an impact. He went forward a few pages and read some more, Bhaalspawn had started warring in the south recently and Tennas suspected he’d need to get involved eventually. The elves seemed to be getting nervous about him and he’d finally realised they weren’t worried about him sleeping with their womenfolk. Tennas looked at the most recent entries. Aerie had somehow had a baby. She wouldn’t tell him who the father was either. The fact that the other ladies weren’t giving him dark looks suggested it wasn’t him. He wondered briefly if Nalia had managed to pick up a girdle of gender change from somewhere. His other suspect was Haer’dalis since nine months before the birth was just after they’d rescued him. Tennas suspected the other bard might have done some “auditioning” of his own.

Putting away his diary he focused on the task ahead. Ellesime had told him of a place where he could get his future told. He hoped it would contain all sorts of helpful information like “You will get the best sex of your life if you go to this inn” or “Don’t hit on this woman because her husband will try to castrate you”. Some information about the current Bhaalspawn trouble would be helpful but not essential. An hour later and Tennas was listening to his future being prophesised. “Ah crap.” Tennas said “It’s one of the prophecies which only make sense after you actually experience it. And so far there’s been no phrase like: And a hundred virgins shall fall upon his mighty sword loo looks like more killing and betrayal as usual.”

It wasn’t much of a surprise when another Bhaalspawn showed up to try and kill him. As the battle kicked off Tennas thought “It’s been almost too long since I had someone trying to kill me. I’d almost forgotten how to whimper in terror properly.” Despite all her tough talking beforehand the other Bhaalspawn soon went down. Tennas had just enough time to check for loot before he found himself pulled into another plane.

Tennas found the Solar to be somewhat disconcerting. He normally found much more interesting things to look at on a woman than her eyes but her glowing orbs attracted his attention entirely. Afterwards he couldn’t even recall if she’d had tits or not. Her cryptic comments didn’t explain much about what was going on either. They certainly didn’t warn them about what was going to happen next. Sarevok showed up and mad cle clear that Tennas wasn’t going any further until he helped him regain his life. Tennas wasn’t thrilled by the idea, he muttered to himself “Is this some kind of fucked up Karma? I’ve killed him twice so I need to bring him back to even things out? Well what are my other options? To be stuck here forever with six lovely….” He glanced at the ladies speculatively then realised the current surrounding weren’t exactly suitable for romancing.

Oh well, Tennas willed some of his essence into Sarevok and suddenly his brother was standing alive in front of him again. After rejoicing his freedom, Sarevok asked to join up with the party. Tennas hesitated again; he still had a crazy hope that one day all his female companions would be putting out for him. On the other hand, he was very sure that a lot of people were going to be trying to put sharp things into him and having Sarevok around might keep him alive a bit longer. Reluctantly he agreed and hoped none of the ladies had a thing for tall, scary looking men.

Tennas began to explore his surroundings and jumped as he came across an imp. Before he could yell “Die spawn of the abyss”, Imoen stepped forward and said “Aw, isn’t he cute?” Apparently Imoen’s definition of cute intersected with Tennas’ definition of bug ugly. It turned out the little Imp used to be Bhaal’s butler and could upgrade their magical items if they had the right components. Tennas cursed himself silently, now he’d never know what an upgraded “Penetrator” would be capable of. After some more exploring, Tennas was forced to fight in a battle against several waves of enemies. After he won Tennas found himself gifted with the magical ability to teleport back to this pocket plane. “Alright” he told himself “I won’t have to muck around getting a girl back to my room anymore. I can just teleport ourselves here and ….” He took a better look around and conceded “Okay, with the exception of Viconia this place probably would get a girl out of the mood in a hurry. I’d better get my new butler to work changing this place into a bachelor’s pad. I wonder if anyone delivers heart shaped beds into abyssal pocket planes?”

Tennas wandered up to the “entrance” to his plane and found he could speak to some statues near the door. It seemed he could call in people he knew using them. Tennas began to think rapidly, with this device he could call in some of the best hookers and sluts he’d ever met. Heck he could even call in some of the girls from that school – provided he could remember their names. Before he could ask for a blonde he knew who could flex far enough to eat herself out he was told “Only adventuring companions can be called. And by that I mean they have to have stood by your side in battle and not just been an adventure in themselves. If they haven’t shed blood by your side I can’t call them and that doesn’t include any of the virgins you scored with. I might be able to call in some of the ones in who cut themselves shaving though.” Tennas hid his disappointment and decided he had enough party members for the time being. He activated the magical doorway.

A short while later Tennas was admiring the tankard of ale in his hand. It was by far the best thing that had happened to him in months. It was certainly better than playing dodge the artillery fire outside in the street or his getting attacked by the guards after he’d appeared. He was sure it was better than running into some strange red headed woman called Mellisan who had recognised him as a Bhaalspawn. That had been weird; she claimed to be gathering the Bhaalspawn together but had taken off before Tennas could put any moves on her. He wondered if she was gathering them all together for some kind of huge Bhaalspawn gangbang.

Tennas looked around the bar and spotted a somewhat familiar face. It took him a few minutes to remember but he finally walked over and asked “Weren’t you that weirdo who teleported away from me in Trademeet?” The guy nodded and explained that he had kept on teleporting whenever he felt frightened. He’d like to teleport away now to escape the siege except that Mellisan had cured him of his fear. Tennas considered, if the Bhaalspawn were all supposed to fight each other then getting this guy to teleport would a) mean one less enemy to face and b) hopefully lure away some of the other Bhaalspawn away for a while. Tennas reviewed the spells he had in memory “Hmm, that one prevents impotence, that one makes girls want to try anal, that one stops ball itch. Damn not a single fear spell.” Tennas promised him he’d think of something.

In another part of the inn was the bard Volo. Tennas greeted him as a fellow bard (meaning he kept one hand on his purse at all times). While they were making small talk out loud, Volo sent him a message in the secret hand language that was known only to people of dubious professions. “Six women? Dude! How did you manage to get so many?” Tennas began thinking, not of a reply but how juiced Volo must be to use that language when he’d been studying the history of Tennas’ companions. Imoen signed back “Well he wants to get into my panties so I figure that means h gua guard me until his dying day. Jaheira came along because she needed someone to bitch at following her husband kicking the bucket. Aerie was too dumb to know better and Viconia is just looking for the chance to kick people’s asses.” Nalia signed as well “On top of that, he makes us laugh so often. Why, not long after I met him he heard about some slaves being held in the Copper Coronet who were being forced to perform for the patrons. He expected that the slaves would be extremely grateful to get their freedom so he broke into the back to free them. It never occurred to him the slaves might be men or that the entertainment was gladiator combat.” She looked fondly at Aerie and continued “Besides, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have found true love” Tennas winced, said a quick goodbye to Volo then headed back for more ale. After a few more tankards he did manage to think of a way to help that other Bhaalspawn.

Aerie walked up to the man and said “Dearest! It is you, I’ve been looking for you all over” The man looked up confused and stammered, “Erm, I, er. Sorry?” Aerie said “Don’t you remember, that special night we had together at Trademeet?” The guy still looked flustered and seemed to be racking his brain “I don’t, um” Aerie pulled out her baby for inspection and said “Say hello to our baby. I think he’s got your eyes. Now I spoke to the priest in the local temple and he said he’ll happily backdate our wedding certificate. So all you need to do is buy me a ring and we can….” The man disappeared so quickly the implosion rattled the windows of the inn.

Quite some time later Tennas found himself outside the city puzzling over the quest he’d been given. Apparently the giant attacking the city couldn’t be killed because he’d had his heart removed. Tennas had spent most of his biology lessons looking at the anatomy of the female bards in training but even he could see the flaw in that logic. He also wondered at what kind of freak Bhaal had been. He’s assumed he up until now that the Bhaalspawn were all humans but it seems the Lord of Murder had gone around banging everything that breathed and had a pussy.

A witch woman directed Tennas to the fire giant lair to try and find the giant’s heart. Apparently she had taught him how to become immortal by removing his heart. Tennas weighed that trick against his own training to remove a woman’s inhibitions, clothing and virginity. He judged them about equal although something told him that the not getting killed trick would be more slightly more useful at this point in time. Inside the giants lair they found the heart as well as some bitchy slave girl. Tennas wasn’t particularly happy that she didn’t offer to sleep with him as way of thanks. Of course if the fire giant had been using her as a sex slave he’d probably have trouble hitting the sides of her pussy anyway.

Some questing later and Tennas had managed to get the giant’s heart destroyed. They headed back to the city. They got to where Tennas thought the outskirts should be. He could see an army but no city. After a minute he realised it was because the invaders had completely levelled it. He hoped like hell that most of the soldiers had taken their share of loot and headed for home. Yaga Shura strode up and bragged about his invulnerability. Jaheira stepped forward and kicked up high hitting him square in the nuts. That quickly convinced him that his invulnerability was gone.

One tough battle later and Tennas found himself back in front of the Solar who introduced Tennas to his mother. All his life Tennas had been plagued by the vague feeling that he somehow wasn’t measuring up in terms of moral fibre. Now, after meeting his crazy bitch mother he decided he could booze, whore and gamble three times as much and still be considered to be the most upstanding member of his family. Another challenge appeared in his pocket plane in the form of a mirror match against a copy of himself. They eyed each other off aggressively until Imoen yelled “GO!” They immediately grabbed a tankard from their pile and began quaffing. His mirror seemed to have all his characteristics except for Tennas’ keen instinct on when to hurl during a drinking contest. He managed to beat his mirror by a tankard and a half before passing out. He woke up when he felt himself being touched and opened his eyes to see Imoen trying to put his hand into a bowl of warm water.

Tennas returned them to the normal world and after some travel they ended up in Amkethran. Like all bards, Tennas disliked monks and regarded them as some kind of freak. They couldn’t understand how someone could dedicate themselves to avoiding things like booze and women, not to mention their tendency to enter a fight without armour or weapons. That’s what they say to themselves at least. What really pissed them off is that a monk would usually have kicked the crap out of every monster that came at them before a bard could even get their swords out. The monks told Tennas where he could find two powerful Bhaalspawn. He waited hopefully but none of them said “Don’t worry; we’ll all back you up – right lads?” He led his party off to find a drow Bhaalspawn called Sendai.

Tennas couldn’t work out if the woodsman was thick or just an asshole. He kept on giving him directions that didn’t pan out into anything more than him getting attacked. He was about to head off on what was likely to be yet another waste of time when Viconia spun and smashed the woodman’s head in with her mace. As he dropped lifeless to the ground his appearance changed into that of a drow elf warrior. Tennas was impressed “How did you know?” Viconia replied “Drow males are subservient; they show proper respect to females. This supposed human never even once checked out my ass so he had to be a fake.” Tennas wondered what would have happened if the woodsman was merely gay before realising it would have been his own ass the guy would have been checking out.” After searching the area again they found an entrance leading underground.

Quite a number of battles later and the party were battling it out with Sendai, every last one of her. Tennas considered “You know, I had a dream kind of like this once but it didn’t include my ass being kicked.” They’d killed Sendai a couple of times and each time a statue of her had come alive and started attacking them. Now she’d apparently got fed up and had animated the last half dozen of herself. Add to that the drow warriors who kept arriving as backup and Tennas realised they were going to be overwhelmed. He thought to himself “I should be able to come up with a plan. Remember that time I heard that girls father coming up the stairs? I just cast haste on myself, fucked her turbo speed and managed to get dressed and be halfway down the street before he got the door open. Let me see, I’ve got a half dozen crazy women all coming after me and they don’t want my body so much as my corpse. I’ve also got half a dozen women of my own though, perhaps I can play a tune and try for a lesbian orgy? I’d better not; it’d be just my luck that my women would drop and start going at it leaving all the Sendai clones to fight me. There is something else I could try though.”

Calling on his ventriloquism lessons, Tennas put on his best drow female impersonation and cast “I hope I don’t look as fat in my outfit” at one of the mage Sendai’s at the back. A thief Sendai turned and gave her a slightly confused look. Half a minute later Tennas cast “I hope the soldiers don’t think I look as much like a slut as her” at the archer Sendai who was glared at by a pair of mages. A short time later and he cast “Good thing I’m here, about the only thing these other clones are good for is servicing the soldiers.” The Sendai clones began giving each other nasty glares until one of the fighters accidentally winged one of the mages and just sneered when she the other threw an angry glare at her. Finally a pitched battle started between the clones as they vied for dominance. Tennas and his party stood back and watched. It was for this reason that the drow, despite their awesome power, had never conquered the world. The Sendai clones battled furiously for a few minutes until finally a fighter version stood triumphant over the others. She declared, “That’ll show those bitches whose in char - argh” Her victory speech was cut off as Tennas and his party jumped her all at once.

Back to the pocket dimension for yet another challenge. Tennas wasn’t happy to have to fight the Slayer again. It kept targeting him and not the others, Tennas figured it was going to save the ladies for the post battle celebration. He thought about asking the ladies to try the pyramid trick again but he didn’t want Sarevok getting any ideas.

Back to the real world again and it was time to go dragon hunting. Tennas had to wonder at how Bhaal had managed to father a dragon. He could understand that Bhaal had fathered a number of children to his priestesses and some more using straight out rape but he couldn’t see him forcing himself on a dragon. “Unless he disguised himself as a Penetrator” Tennas speculated. His speculation was interrupted by the arrival of some punk called Draconis who challenged them to battle. Tennas should have been clued in by the name but instead was completely surprised when Draconis changed into a brown dragon. If fighting a dragon wasn’t bad enough, fighting a dragon which kept turning invisible was even worse. Tennas would have sworn a creature that big couldn’t vanish like that but Draconis kept vanishing and only reappeared before he attacked someone or tossed a spell at them. Tennas tried to remember what the dragon had been saying before he started attacking. Finally it clicked; this dragon was the son of the dragon Bhaalspawn. Tennas could remember what it was like to be that young – stupid and packed with hormones. He grabbed Aerie and Jaheira and had a quick conference.

Draconis scanned the battlefield for his next target and noticed a female dragon eyeing him over. He was surprised for second but the other dragon didn’em tem to be attacking so he decided to ignore it for now. As he started to turn away he felt his mind start to burn as Jaheira cast a powerful lust spell on him. He tried to shrug it off but Tennas pulled a full keg of dwarvern ale out of his bag of holding and lobbed it down his throat. After a minute, hormones and alcohol took control and Draconis charged at the female dragon that appeared to be giving him the come on. He charged at the female dragon and slammed head on into a pillar. He shook his head to clear it and saw that the female dragon had vanished but another one had appeared nearby. He charged towards it only to slam into another pillar.

The party watched as Draconis kept slamming into pillars as Aerie created a series of illusionary dragons. Nalia commented to Tennas, “Surely he can’t be that stupid? No matter how many times he gets hurt he keeps chasing the next one that he sees.” Tennas decided not to reply, he was overwhelmed with déjà vu – this was eerily similar to his own puberty. Finally Draconis seemed too groggy to continue and just collapsed on the ground. They continued into the cave.

Deep in the caves they came across a mad mage who apparently possessed a useful scroll of reversal. It could free a dragon that was being forced to block the path towards the Bhaalspawn dragon, Abazigal. Tennas tried communicating with the mage but ran into the problems normally encountered when speaking to someone who is nuts. He tried to think of a way to communicate better. Would getting drunk help him get his point across? It might put him in a compatible frame of mind and of course no bard would pass up the opportunity to get smashed. He tried to think of other nuts he’d dealt with in the past, they tended to fall into three categories – homicidal maniacs, women who expected him to keep his promises and gnomes. That gave him an idea, he turned and said “Aerie, come here and translate please.” Aerie had spent many months with her Gnomish uncle Quayle and it proved useful as she managed to get Tennas’ point across. The wizard asked them to go and retrieve an eyestalk from a Gauth. That didn’t sit too well with Tennas, he considered himself above petty kill and fetch quests by now. The wizard then pointed out three rookie adventurers nearby who had been turned to stone, he suggested sending them to get the eyestalk.

After hitting them with a stone to flesh spell, Tennas began laying on the bullshit so as to convince the rookie adventurers to go and play fetch. As he was speaking though he began to realise just how green these guys were. He thought back to when he first started out in the adventuring life and recalled that he’d needed a half day of rest for anything more serious than a stubbed toe. These guys lacked a cleric and anything close to a clue as they bought into his every word. It might take them weeks to get the eyestalk. He considered spending some time training them up but realised that would be as menial as getting the eyestalk itself. He needed to give them a huge boost of experience packed into just a few minutes. He thought about various options then slapped himself on the head; he’d be forgetting how to get drunk next.

He turned to Imoen and whispered a request in her ear. She whispered back “What’s in it for me?” They haggled for a while; Imoen was a surprisingly good haggler for someone who usually stole anything she wanted. Finally Tennas had to promise that the next really cool magical artefact they got would become hers. She led the three adventurer wannabes off out of sight, Tennas sent a magical eye to watch – just in case she ran into trouble. He first thought they’d be waiting for a good half an hour. Check that, Imoen isn’t bothering with foreplay. He guessed that would mean about 5 minutes each so it would be a fifteen minute wait most likely. Scratch that, she’s taking on all three at once. Five minutes then? Whoa, finished already? Man those guys really were inexperienced. Imoen came back looking very disappointed. She had a quick chat to Viconia and they both went back to the rookies. Okay, she’s going to try them again one at a time. What’s Viconia doing? Ow, fuck, I didn’t realise you could stop a guy from coming by squeezing on his nutsack. Viconia’s pulling out a strap on as well, what is she saying? Anyone who lasts for less than ten minutes “gets it”?

An hour later the ladies returned a lot happier. The adventurers returned a day later with the eyestalk which they handed over for some pocket change. They traded something with Imoen as well, Tennas decided not to ask what. After dispelling the enchantment on the guard dragon they went inside to face Abazigal.

Being both a Bhaalspawn and a dragon meant he was one tough prick to face. The battle had been raging for five minutes and both sides had taken some nasty hits. Tennas paused for a second to give thanks that Abazigal didn’t have any strong allies with him or else they could be in big trouble. Seemingly the Gods heard him and decided to give him the finger. Tennas heard movement outside the cavern and swore as he saw Draconis stumble in. The dragon youth had some nasty bruises on his head and his eyes were slightly out of focus. Tennas had been so happy that his plan worked before that he hadn’t even thought to finish the other dragon off. Now he’d have to face both of them, unless… Tennas hoped that Draconis still hadn’t learned his lesson. He called over Jaheira and Aerie and told them, “Same as last time.” Jaheira nodded and began anotlustlust spell; Aerie just wrung her hands and told him “I can’t.” Tennas asked “What? Why not?” She answered “There are no pillars in here; I don’t have anything to cast an illusion on.” Tennas thought hard but the phrase “Oh boy, we’re fucked” seemed to be taking up most of his concentration. He looked around for anything large enough to use, there was nothing else except… Tennas half smiled and half winced, he’d be going to hell for this trick for certain. Okay, back to hell, but this time to stay. He gave Aerie her orders.

Draconis shook his head and tried to clear his vision, that fucking prick of a bard had made a fool out of him. Those female dragons must have been illusions. Well, he wasn’t going to fall for that trick again. Of course, by now his father had surely killed the bard and had him for lunch. Draconis looked into the cave and was shocked by what he saw, it was another female dragon. Obviously his father had killed the adventurers and had just fucked this dragon slut to celebrate. Well, his father wouldn’t mind sharing certainly, Draconis charged forward eagerly.

Tennas closed his eyes as the two dragons “collided”, there were some sights he would rather not see in his lifetime. He could judge direction from sound alone though and began sending fireballs at where he judged them to be. After the roars of anger and pain subsided, Tennas finally opened his eyes. Thankfully Draconis had fallen off of his father when he died. This one was going to be one hell of a ballad to compose. Normally there was at least some grain of truth in the songs he wrote.

It was back to the pocket plane again, this time Tennas got to have a conversation with the new god of murder. Cyric asked him, “So, do you want to become a god?” Tennas considered and asked “Is it true that as a god you get to bang angels all day long?” Cyric shook his head and told him “No I don’t bang angels all day long. Do you really expect angels to be associating with a god who is in my line of work? I have … other means of entertainment.” Tennas thought about it and said “Well, you are the lord of the dead so I guess you’d be into necrophil…” “Don’t even think about finishing that sentence” Cyric snarled and vanished leaving him to fight a number of his minions.

After returning to the real world, Tennas was met by Elminster the sage. He’d appeared from time to time during Tennas’ travels. Tennas was undecided if he was watching him and helping him or just hoping to see him and the ladies getting it on. Elminster gave him some suggestions on how to get in to see Balthazar, the last of the Bhaalspawn that Tennas would have to face (he really hoped he wouldn’t have to fight Imoen, she’d kick his ass so badly). Before facing the monk, Tennas decided to go shopping for supplies. In one of the Amkethran stores he found a dwarvern smith who was being somewhat elusive about his craft and saying that Tennas probably didn’t have tompoomponents he’d need. Tennas doubted that, heolleollected all sorts of crap during his adventures. He allowed the dwarf to search their packs. It was in Imoen’s pack that he found what he was looking for. Apparently the dwarf was some kind of pervert who was into metal pants and undergarments. Tennas hadn’t seen the bronze pantalets before and asked Imoen where she got them from. She told him the she’d traded them for a pair of her own panties as a souvenir to the three rookie adventurers.

The dwarf set to work with gar garments, he said he’d be an hour so Tennas wandered out and headed into the local pub. He came back after the appointed time and immediately wondered if someone had slipped something into his drink. Somehow the dwarf had forged the three garments into what looked like a golem. He noticed Nalia and Viconia were talking to the dwarf and seemed to be asking for some alterations. The dwarf finally agreed and began installing a huge strap on dildo that Viconia had provided. He even it it retractable so that it would disappear inside the golem when required. Tennas made some enquiries and was told the golem was actually a set of body armour that anyone could wear into battle. Tennas began rubbing his hands with glee until he noticed Imoen doing the same. He swore as he recalled the promise he’d made to her. Tennas then wondered about the dildo attachment, he could understand why Viconia would want it but it took him in minute to realise why Nalia would be interested. Presumably she wanted to borrow the armour at some point and drop in to visit Isaea.

The party headed out with Imoen happily clomping along in her new armour. Tennas decided to try and sneak into the monastery using a hidden entrance in the local crypts. Well, sneaking in as best he can escorted by an eight foot golem look-alike. After tracking down the key and sneaking through the crypt, they found themselves facing the Bhaalspawn monk, Balthazar.

Tennas had been expecting a bad guy speech but he was somewhat disappointed. It seems he shouldn’t have trusted Mellisan as she’d been playing him against the other Bhaalspawn for his own goals. Tennas muttered to himself “Damn, I should have realised something was wrong. Never trust a girl who won’t put out is my motto. Of course that means I’m probably surrounded by backstabbers but at least they are nice to look at”. The fight got underway soon after that and Tennas quickly remembered why he disliked monks so much. Most of the time they’d finished dodging before he’d even gotten halfway through his attack. It deeply shamed him to fight a bunch of men who were unarmed and wearing robes. It shamed him mostly because they were kicking his ass. Tennas realised they were somewhat outclassed so it was time for some drastic action. All that time in Suldanesslar had given him plenty of practice his elvish. As such, most of his party understood when he yelled “Cover your ears.” Tennas whipped out a lute and began playing. The monks slowed their attacks and seemed confused for a minute. Their self discipline warred against the might of a panty dropper’s song and the song won out. Most of the monks charged out the door and a minute later he could hear the sounds of female villagers being ravished. A few monks stayed, not because they wanted to fight but because they’d joined a monastery to, well, be around other guys. Balthazar was able to ignore the song and didn’t last long being outnumbered. It was only after he went down that Tennas realised Balthazar hadn’t been as badly outnumbered as he should have been. He looked around and realised his non-elvish companions hadn’t understood. Sarevok had mounted Nalia and was screwing her thoroughly even though he had a cursing Aerie clinging to his back and trying to choke him. Imoen had activated her armour’s strap on accessory and was holding Mazzy up by her arms while thrusting into her as well. Tennas thought, “Excellent. Looks like the fun is just starting. I’ll just go and … oh crap” Tennas found himself pulled into the pocket plane again.

The Solar summoned Mellisan to admit she was the high priestess of Bhaal but that she’d decided to screw him over and become a goddess by herself. Tennas thought about it after she’d left and said “Well, she’ll probably do a good job of it given her credentials. I guess I’ll go back and…” The solar told him “Actually she has to kill all of the Bhaalspawn to make her plan work. That includes you and Imoen”. Tennas considered that problem; couldn’t he just surrender honourably or something? Sure being used stung but so did getting his ass whipped by Viconia and he wasn’t complaining about that. His libido started cursing and kicking him in the side of the head. Tennas scratched his head and wondered what the problem was and then remembered the action back at the monastery. He quickly teleported back but it appeared the orgy had finished. Mazzy was walking around a bit weak at the knees; apparently the special suit made Imoen literally a fucking machine. Tennas swore a bit then took them back to his pocket plane to face the last challenge – the Ravager.

Early into the fight Tennas was surprised to find his libido had taken up a front row seat and was watching eagerly. Normally when a fight started it headed over to either the memory storage or the imagination sections in his brain. Tennas asked “What are you hanging around for?” His libido answered “I’m waiting for the action to start. What’s it going to do? Is it going to produce a dozen penisnd dnd double penetrate all of the women?” Tennas replied “What in the fuck are you talking about?” “This is the Ravager isn’t it, ravage = to sexually enjoy someone.” “No, that’s ravish.” “Oh… Well, what will this be doing?” “Kicking our ass most likely.” The conversation was inupteupted by the Ravager hitting Tennas hard enough to toss him across the room. He hadn’t expected to face a monster this large, even the Slayer would have trouble against it. Tennas looked around and saw most of his party had been knocked down as well. They were starting to get back up but it might not be in time. Only Imoen and Aerie were still on their feet and the latter was busy casting healing spells. Imoen charged at the Ravager and exchanged a few hits with it before she was sent staggering backwards. She must have bumped a control because the armours inbuilt dildo deployed. The Ravager paused for a second then seemed to sneer. With a grunt it produced its own massive cock. Tennas thought “Mother fucker. That thing is big enough to tear open an elephant.” Off to the side he could hear Viconia mutter “I think I’m in love”

The Ravager stood there gloating for a second, unfortunately that was all the time Imoen needed. She reached out with her golem armour and grabbed the end of the penis. Then she yanked it forward and slammed a fist into the Ravager sending it reeling back. After a few repetitions she grabbed the penis further down and began spinning the Ravager around in a circle. As she picked up speed the party were forced to dodge the Ravager as it flew past. Tennas thought “And the other bards thought I was a pussy for skipping rope in school. Admittedly I did it hoping I’d get a great butt, not because I expected to be playing dodge the demon” After a minute the Ravages lis little more than a blur and Imoen finally let go. The Ravager slammed into the wall, made an effort to get back up then collapsed. Tennas soon hurried out of the room trying not to be sick, Viconia had decided to do some taxidermy and keep the stuffed Ravager penis as a souvenir.

After some rest it was onto the final battle against Mellisan in the abyss. She was waiting for them when they arrivnd and after a short speech she attacked. Tennas couldn’t work out how she expected to win when she was outnumbered so badly and his answer came when she teleported into the centre of the structure to absorb more power. After fighting some elementals the party severed an energy conduit that was feeding her. She came back for round two and this time she summoned in some allies. The party made short work of her monsters and pretty soon she teleported away yet again. Tennas swore a bit at that then went to sever another energy conduit. This time they had to fight some ice elementals and during the fight Tennas took a hard punch to the side of his head leaving him stunned. A good ten minutes later he regained his senses and was shocked to find them all still alive. In fact the ice elemental prince seemed to be acting friendly now. He asked what had happened; Imoen giggled and said “After you got KO’d, Jaheira decided to try something. She transformed into an ice elemental herself and managed to ‘convince’ the elemental to be her ‘special friend’. A pity you missed it, I’d never taken much interest in the mating habits of elementals but this was some display.”

Time for round three, this time Mellisan summoned even nastier monsters and started using dimension doors to get away from direct combat. This time the party had some serious trouble taking her down. Tennas was bloodied and bruised and cursed sulphurously when Mellisan teleported away yet again. The last conduit was guarded by some very powerful monsters but Tennas was fed up with fighting. He morphed into the Slayer and told the other fiends “Either join with me or you’ll be shitting through two assholes in the future.” The fiends wisely decided to join ranks. Mellisan was very surprised at having to face so many enemies and, despite her best efforts, she soon fell to their combined assault.

The Solar appeared and, after listened to Mellisan’s ranting, told her to go fuck herself. She congratulated Tennas and asked him what he wanted to do. He could either give up his Bhaalspawn essence to become a regular mortal or ascend and become a god. Tennas didn’t see much point in deliberating for long, a vision of an angel giving him a blowjob floated through his head. His intellect barely managed to make itself heard over the libido which was dancing around and partying like mad “If something seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.” Tennas hesitated and thought hard, what kind of god would he become? Actually that was a very good question so he led the Solar over to one side and inquired “If I ascend to godhood I become the new god of murder right?” The Solar shook her head “Nope. Cyric has dibs on that job; you’ll have to find a different role to fill.” “Like what?” Tennas asked. The Solar pulled out a parchment and began checking “Well, there aren’t many places open at the moment. We do need a god of constipation.” “Constipation?” “Yes, although you won’t have worshippers per say but anytime a mortal is praying for relief you’ll get a bit of power.” “Hmm, I think I’ll pass on that one. What else do you have?” “Well, we’ve got an opening for a god of masturbation. It’s been strangely hard to fill that one. Most applicants quit after they hear about the minions under their command.” “Really? What minions does the position include?” “Well, none. You have to do everything yourself.” Tennas shook his head and asked “Are there any position available that involves people having sex with each other?” The Solar checked her list “I don’t think there’s anything you’ll be able to… Oh, wait, I almost forgot. Lord Ao said to offer you this position. He said you had special qualifications although it will involve a small change.” “What will I be in charge of?” “Lebians.” Tennas’ expression lit up as he thought about the possibilities, then he though a little harder and asked “Exactly what special qualification do I have?” “According to our records the number of lesbians in the realms has substantially increased thanks to your actions. The current goddess of love has been complaining non stop saying she doesn’t swing that way.” “And the small change?” The Solar pulled an ornate knife out of the ether and said “It won’t hurt a bit. Honest” Tennas thought about it and asked “What will happen to the little adventurerhe She Solar said “Well, he could become the headache fairy I suppose.”

It wt ant an easy decision. On one hand was saying goodbye to angels giving him blowjobs and saying hello to …. to…. well Tennas had no idea what kind of minions a goddess of lesbianism would attract but it would be surely be something female. It would also mean saying goodbye to the “little adventurer” though and they’d been through so much together. In fact the little guy was being strangely silent about this whole thing, I wonder what he…. “Override code, Adventurer Tango niner Alpha” Tennas’ brain went into standby as the “Little Adventurer” took control. It wasn’t an easy task considering his main jobs were get hard, piss, thrust in and thrust out. After some fumbling he found the voice controls and make the mouth say “I think I’ll stick with being human if it’s all the same.” The Solar nodded and with a gesture removed the Bhaal essence from Tennas. Before the “little Adventurer” could add “I suppose a root is out of the question?”, they were teleported back to the prime material plane.

Epliogue

Aerie:

Aside from her relationship with Nalia and looking after her baby, Aerie tried her hand at opening a restaurant. No charges were ever pressed against her since the survivors experienced traumatic memory suppression. Rumour has it her restaurant was bought out by an assassins guild who didn’t want the competition.

Jaheira:

After so much bloodshed, Jaheira decided to dedicate her life to healing. No patient ever needed more than one treatment as her bitching and nagging gave them plenty of motivation to get healthy – fast.

Nalia:

After spending several years improving her mage skills and learning new spells, Nalia returned to her ancestral home to face Isaea Roenall. Reports are varied and often conflicting but they agree on one thing – she made her her bitch.

Imoen:

After adventuring by herself for a few years, Imoen heard an ancient tale about how a man stole fire from the gods. The last report of her said she was going to check if they had anything better worth taking.

Viconia:

After tracking down Drizzt and screwing him senseless, Viconia returned to the stage. Her “private sessions” are said to be the stuff of legends.

Sarevok:

Realising he already had a head start with his bald head; Sarevok joined a monastery and spent the rest of his days learning how to kick the heart of a man clean out of his chest.

Mazzy:

Her lifelong dream was finally realised when she was admitted into the order of the Radiant Heart. Rumours that her fisting skill played a part in her admission are strongly denied.

Tennas:

Rumours say that this heroic bard is seeking a place to set up a school and pass on his talent and wisdom. Or at least every time he’s seen and asked where he’s going he makes some vague comment about looking for a school.