Riku and Sora Make a Porno-Uncensored!

Author’s Note: Just a few things I forgot to say here in the Uncensored! version that I’ll say now to clear up any confusion.

First: The porno Riku, Sora, Axel, and Roxas are making has no plot-it’s pretty much mindless sex, which I’ve heard is typical of most porn. I’m satirizing porn a little here, and how commonplace it’s become in society, so that’s another reason why The Porno has no plot.

Second: I don’t own Touru-san, a.k.a The Crazy Cat Lady. She’s actually that old woman in Twilight Town whose cat you have to rescue when you’re playing as Roxas at the start of the game. I just gave her a name. And more cats.

WARNINGS: Slightly angsty ending, language, a few sexual jokes that aren’t in the censored version of this. No more lemons yet.

KEY: Anything surrounded by / / is something Riku is thinking. Anything surrounded by // // is something Sora is thinking. Anything surrounded by /// /// is something Riku and Sora are thinking at the same time.


Chapter Five: The Heartless Are Coming!

Riku knew today had to be the day. If he didn’t want to keep having these dreams that kept him up masturbating half the night, he had to tell Sora how he felt. His roommate was currently out grocery shopping (a difficult task, considering their ever-dwindling finances) so Riku was alone until Roxas and his Crazy Pyro Bitch showed up for filming. He planned to use this time to figure out what he’d say to Sora when the brunet returned.

/OK, I’m a smart guy. I can totally do this. Oh man, I REALLY wish I’d paid attention when Olette forced me to watch those shitty romance movies…Riku paced the apartment’s tiny living room, worrying at his bottom lip. Scenarios where Sora got really pissed off after his love confession, packed up his things and moved out, intending to have wild threesomes with Axel and Roxas every night, kept flashing through his head./

/Maybe I could kneel down on one knee and tell him? Or is that only for marriages? I could recite a poem…something like “I am the key and Sora is the lock,” or something? Aw, who am I kidding, that’s too perverted! He’s gonna run out screaming that I’m drunk, or crazy. Or both. Or that I finally bought something from that weirdo Seifer Almasy, who’s always on the corner staring at people…/

/Food might help. Everyone likes food. Food can be sexy. But what would put Sora in the mood?/

Riku ran to the cabinets and began rifling through the shelves in a frenzy, keeping an eye on the door. He knew Sora would be back any minute. The guy rarely took more than half an hour at the store, and twenty-eight of those minutes had already passed. How come all we have is Ramen!? And it’s all shrimp-flavored? I gotta go to the store next time we need food…

Finally, Riku found a smushed package of Oreos at the back of a cabinet. /Hey, these are Sora’s favorite!/ He bit into one, and breathed a huge sigh of relief when he found they weren’t stale. Riku put the cookies on the coffee table and sprawled out on the couch, trying to seem relaxed even though he was certain his heart would burst from his chest at any moment.

Then the door clicked open, and Riku had a quiet and hopefully unnoticeable panic attack as Sora walked in, juggling his keys and two plastic bags of food.

“Man, Riku, we really are running out of cash.” Sora locked the door, just in case there were some druggies outside who wanted to hide from the cops in their apartment (again) and tossed his keys on the counter. “I didn’t have enough money for the food. But luckily Leon was working the cash register today, so he let me have a few things for free.”

Riku could feel another panic attack coming on. What if Sora liked Leon!? The guy was pretty hot-built like a male model, with spiky brown hair that flopped in his eyes just right and smoldering cobalt eyes. Riku really didn’t know how his cheerful best friend had befriended the quiet older man. But what if Sora started dating Leon, and then married Leon, and then had sex with Leon, and moved in with Leon, and-

“Riku? Hello in there?”

“…Huh!?” Riku’s icy eyes focused on Sora’s arm waving up and down two inches from his face. “Oh, sorry. Guess I just…zoned out there, or something…”

“Um, okay.” Sora set the grocery bags down on the coffee table and collapsed onto the armchair. “’Course, I wonder if Leon only gave me that discount because he wanted me to hurry up and leave so he could make out with Cloud in the back…”

Riku gave a deep sigh of relief. How could he have forgotten about the anti-social, spiky-haired blond who almost never talked? He’d been Leon’s boyfriend since Riku-didn’t-know how long. The guy was kind of paranoid, and tended to…twitch, every so often. Supposedly he’d been traumatized because his best friend had died in a car crash or something.

Riku knew now that he needed to act fast. Sora was extremely desirable, and could be snatched up by all kinds of men who looked like mythological Greek gods at any moment.

“HELLO! EARTH TO RIKU! IS ANYONE HOME!”

“What the FUCK!?” Riku nearly fell off the couch, then realized that Sora was now crouched on the floor right next to him and had yelled in his ear. “What the hell did you do that for?”

“I’ve been trying to talk to you for the last couple minutes, and you just kept staring at the same spot on the wall. I thought you might’ve gone crazy.” Sora leaned in close, blue eyes wide and brown spikes dangerously close to poking Riku’s eye out. “You’re not crazy, are you?” He whispered.

“…No.” Riku sat up straight on the couch. He had to do this now, before he got distracted again by something else Sora said. /Come on Riku. Sink or swim. Fly or fall. TELL. HIM. NOW./ “Sora…there’s something I want to tell you.”

“Sure, Riku. What is it-Ooh! Cookies!” Sora had just noticed the box of Oreos. He viciously attacked the package and crammed three into his mouth. “Go ahead,” he said around a mouthful of cookies, making hand motions for Riku to continue.

/…That kinda ruined the moment. But I can still do this!/ “Sora…uh…you remember that time in high school when Kairi started a yaoi fangirls club? And then she followed Wakka around school all day because she was so sure he was gay with Tidus and she wanted pictures? But then, remember, she ended up following Wakka all the way to the broom closet where he started making out with Lulu? So then she set the camera off by mistake because she was surprised, and Wakka heard and chased her all over the school yelling ‘I’M NOT GAY, DAMMIT!’” Riku laughed a little in spite of himself. “That’s my favorite memory from high school.”

Sora took a few more cookies. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“No!” /Don’t screw this up! IDIOT!/ “Um…uh…Life is like a maze, don’t you think? Only there are several endings, and at most of the endings there are electric wires that’ll shock you, right? But at one of the endings there’s cheese. And the trick to succeeding in life is finding the end of the maze where there’s cheese.”

Sora stared at Riku. The silver-haired boy wondered if he’d ever seen those blue eyes any bigger. The brunet’s mouth fell open, and a few half-chewed Oreos fell out. “Riku, you’re drunk, aren’t you?” Sora asked quietly.

“No! No, I’m not drunk! I’ll count backwards from ten if you want, as many times as you want. I haven’t bought booze in ages!” Riku jumped up from the couch, desperate to prove his point, to get Sora to see what he was saying…

“Oh God. You bought something from Seifer, didn’t you.”

“No, I didn’t…I WAS GOING FOR CRYPTIC METAPHORS, DAMMIT!”

There was a knock at the door.

“Well, I guess that’s enough ‘cryptic metaphors’ for the day, huh?” Sora rolled his eyes, got up, and opened the door, revealing Roxas on the other side.

“Hey, Sora. Axel’s just in the car getting a few things out; he’ll be up in a bit-what’s up with Riku?”

Roxas stepped inside just in time to hear the slam of the bedroom door, and the sound of cursing so profane it couldn’t be repeated in any type of book, movie, or art in the world.

“Holy crap…” Roxas paled slightly-quite a feat for him, as he’d already been on the pale side to start with.

“I didn’t even know half those words existed,” Sora murmured, mouth open in shock and awe.

“’Sup everyone, how’s it going-whoa, you playin’ a dirty movie in here?” Axel appeared in the doorway, his arms full of camera equipment.

Roxas could only point at the bedroom door.

“Wow, Rikee? I didn’t know he had it in him.” Axel smirked and rapped on the bedroom door. “Hey, you kiss your mother with that mouth, Agatsuma?”

After two or three more words the door swung open, nearly hitting Axel in the face, and Riku strolled out. He was a little red in the face, but otherwise seemed perfectly calm. “Hey everyone. We ready to film?” He said, his eyes falling on each member of the group and clearly saying 'talk about what just happened and I will cut you in your sleep.'

Roxas nodded vigorously. “Y-yeah. Axel, go set up the camera in the usual place, and we’ll go over the scene.”

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“OK, everyone,” said Axel, once the camera had been set up and Axel and Roxas had been forcibly pulled off of each other. “This is gonna be a special scene, because-“

“I’m not wearing any more butt capes.”

“Aw, but you looked so cute, Riku.” That smirk that made Riku want to kill things was back on Axel’s face. “But not today. Today, I bought something from old Yen Sid on the corner. He likes me.”

“Can’t imagine why,” Riku muttered.

“I heard that, Riku, and if you don’t want those cute little boxers of yours all over YouTube-“

“Why don’t you just show them what you bought, Ax,” Roxas said hurriedly, before the two of them started killing each other.

“Well, OK. Just for you, Roxy.” With the air of a magician about to reveal an amazing new trick, Axel reached into his now-customary black bag and pulled out...something.

There was silence as the other three tried to figure out just what exactly it was. The thing was about seven inches tall and was pitch black all over, with a huge, round head topped off with a pair of crooked antennae. It was hunched over, standing on two flat feet, and with short, stubby little claws for arms. A pair of huge, bright yellow eyes stared out at the four boys.

“Well? Isn’t it awesome? You can all sing my undying praises now.” Axel sat back on his heels, looking a bit like a cat that had just eaten several bowls of warm cream.

There was silence.

“Come on, I’m dyin’ over here!” Axel protested.

“Axel?” Sora finally said.

“Yeah?”

“…What the fuck is that thing?”

“It’s a…uh…well it’s, um…it cost fifty cents, and it’s…”

“This is what you refused to show me in the car?” Roxas broke in. “It looks like a mutated ant.”

“Trust Axel to screw this movie up,” Riku broke in.

“Hey!” Axel’s green cat-eyes narrowed slightly. “Roxas told me to get a fearsome monster, which you and Sora would then attack with fake swords as a sign of your undying love, or something. Then you’d make love next to its mutilated corpse, which would really be us, of course. That’s my favorite part.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Having sex next to the mutilated corpse of a dead monster?!” Riku wondered if Roxas had finally lost it. He had been around Axel for awhile. “That’s not hot or sexy, it’s just gross.”

“Actually, you’d be surprised at the fetishes some people have,” said Axel, and Sora nodded in agreement.

Riku wondered how the two of them knew that, then decided he didn’t want to know.

“Axel, this isn’t a fearsome monster.” Roxas was still on Axel’s toy. “It’s…cute. If we show Riku and Sora attacking it, we’ll have the Twilight Town ASPCA or something on our asses.”

“It is not cute!” Axel picked the toy up and waved it slightly, as if to emphasize its supposed creepiness. “The eyes kept following me in the store! That’s creepy. And Yen Sid says it scared off some little kid last week. And it winds up and moves around! See?” Axel flipped the thing over to show a silver wind-up key in its back.

“Axel, it’s not scary because you’re crazy, it scares little kids, and it winds up.” Riku rolled his eyes.

“All right, listen!” Sora yelled. He’d had about enough arguing for one day. “The eyes are kinda weird, so we’ll just focus the camera on those. And maybe we can edit some blood in, Roxas?”

“It’ll do. Not a bad idea, Sora,” Roxas said. “OK then, let’s get started. Axel, get over to the camera and focus it on the thing’s eyes and not my ass. Sora, Riku, here’s your swords and your lines.” Roxas rummaged in the bag for a few minutes, leaning over slightly to find what he needed. Axel took the opportunity to get in a little groping.

“Later, Axel,” Roxas grumbled, but a pale pink blush had spread over his cheeks and he was smiling slightly anyway. He tossed Sora and Riku sheets of paper and long wooden sticks.

“Roxas, these are sticks,” Riku said, waving his around slightly.

“Yeah I know,” said Roxas. “But I can’t get real swords, now can I? We’ll fix it later in editing…or would you rather I bring the Keyblade back?” He smirked in a way eerily similar to Axel’s.

“FEAR ME, I HAVE A STICK!” Riku yelled, then went off to practice lines.

“He gets really random when he’s scared,” said Sora before going to join him.

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“Alright Axel, wind it up,” said Roxas, after Riku and Sora had learned their lines, Axel had made a few last minute adjustments to the camera, and Axel and Roxas had been forcibly pulled off of each other again.

Axel leaned over and gave the key a few good turns. The creature’s yellow eyes seemed to glow for a moment, then it straightened up slightly and began to waddle around in circles.

“Action,” Roxas whispered, then dragged Axel off to the kitchen to start filming.

Sora and Riku got their sticks into combat-ready positions, facing the tiny black toy. “Are you ready, my darling?” Riku said his line in his best heroic voice.

Sora opened his mouth to say his line-but then the little black creature sprang up straight into the air, hitting the ceiling before falling down onto Riku’s head. Its head opened up to reveal jagged, fang-like pieces of clear plastic, which it used to latch itself onto Riku’s hair.

Everyone was silent.

For about one second.

Then all hell broke loose.

“SHIT! SHIT CRAP FUCK DAMN SHIT GET THIS THING OFF MY HEAD RIGHT NOOOOWWW!!!” Riku yelled, running in circles around the living room and trying to shake the toy loose.

“Hold still, Riku! I’ll get it off!” Sora dropped his stick and began chasing his friend around the room, trying to stop him.

“Axel! You didn’t tell me it did that! CUT!” Roxas shouted, before running out to help.

“How am I supposed to know the thing had freakin’ springs in its legs!? I’m coming, Roxas!” Axel switched the camera off and rushed out as well.

By now Riku was so panicked he’d begun whacking his head with his stick in order to try and dislodge the toy, yelling "IT'S FUCKING POSSESSED!" But the thing was stuck fast.

“Riku, hold still, dammit!” Roxas tried to grab him, but Riku simply danced out of the way, still shaking his head like a wet dog. The toy flailed around like a felt-covered club.

“THAT’S IT!” Sora ran at Riku, ducked under the toy, and, before the silver-haired boy could dodge out of the way, tackled him straight to the ground.

“This is probably gonna hurt,” Axel muttered as he stepped forward and yanked the thing off Riku’s head-along with a large section of his hair.

“YEEEEOOWWWCH! DAMMIT!” Riku screamed.

“Well, at least it’s off,” Axel said, tucking the toy back into his bag after shaking the hair out of its mouth.

Sora and Roxas breathed deep sighs of relief, and Sora moved off of Riku’s back. “Sorry about that man, but…we had to get it off, you know?” He said quietly.

“My…my hair…” Riku sat up and picked at his silver locks. One large section of his hair now fell only to his shoulders, where as before his hair had gone down his back a short distance.

“It’s OK. I mean…it’ll grow back.” Roxas didn’t quite know what to say. He’d never seen anyone as sensitive about hair as Riku. Or use as many products in it. The guy looked about to cry. Even Axel wasn’t that bad, and he spent hours in the morning spiking his hair with gel.

“But until then, you should cut it so it looks normal.” Axel reached into the bag and pulled out a pair of scissors. (Don’t ask.)

“NOOOO! I’LL NEVER CUT IT! NEVER!” Riku scurried back to the couch and hunched up against it, looking feral.

Axel sighed deeply. “Sora, Roxas, hold him down for me, will ya?”

The two nodded and leapt on top of Riku as one, Sora on his legs and Roxas holding his head down. Riku kicked, screamed, and howled, but nothing stopped Axel from coming closer with those scissors…

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“I can’t believe you helped him do that,” Riku said broodingly. He was on the edge of the bed now, staring into the mirror and playing with his now shoulder-length hair. It was late, and Axel and Roxas had long since gone home.

Sora leaned against the doorframe. “It’s not that bad. Looks pretty cool, actually. I thought you were letting it get too long anyway.”

Riku looked up at him. “Really?” He said softly. “I thought you liked my hair.”

Sora blushed a furious red. “No, that’s not what I meant! Riku, I like your hair any style. I’d like you even if you were bald. I was just trying to make you feel better.”

“Thanks.” Riku smiled slightly and flopped back on the bed, closing his eyes.

“Hey Riku?” Sora asked. “Before Roxas showed up, you were trying to tell me something? With those cryptic metaphors, remember?”

An icy eye cracked open and stared at Sora. “Yeah.”

“What was it?”

“Oh, uh…” Riku sat up again. With all that had happened today, he’d completely forgotten about it. He wracked his mind for some way to tell the boy in front of him how he felt, but it was no use. He kept coming up blank.

Riku remembered all the good times he’d had with Sora. Play-fighting in the little park near their houses and playing Time Traveling and Heroes and Princesses with Kairi when they were little. Cutting classes by hopping the chain link fence around their middle school a few years later…and that time they got caught because Sora’s pants caught on the metal and he’d screamed so loudly the principal came running out and had given them both detention. He remembered when Sora had come out to him in high school, when all the girls had crushes on him because he was hot and athletic (and taking advantage of it!) and on Sora too, because he was sweet and Riku’s best friend and tutored in Algebra, the hardest subject of all. He remembered them rooming together in college, studying late at night, going to parties, meeting new people-Axel and Roxas, Leon and Cloud, Tifa.

Riku couldn’t jeopardize that friendship. If Sora didn’t love him back, things would get very awkward very quickly. Riku couldn’t stand the thought of never talking to Sora again-of an uncomfortable look to his sweet face every time their eyes met. It would destroy him.

So he would continue to love Sora with all his heart and soul in secret. He’d never know. They’d forever be friends…but nothing more.

“I was just gonna ask you-“ /THINK./ “-why all we have to eat is shrimp flavored Ramen.”

//Say you love me. Say you love me. Say you-aw, crap.// “You needed cryptic metaphors for that?” Sora blinked a few times in confusion. “You’re weird. It’s because I thought you liked shrimp flavor. I do.”

“Yeah, but we’ll die of sodium poisoning or something if you keep buying only that.”

“I could get mac and cheese or something next time I’m in the store.”

Riku nodded, not meeting Sora’s eyes. “Yeah…that’d be good.”

“Well…night.” Sora grabbed a few blankets from their tiny closet and went to go make up the couch for the night.

“Night.” Riku laid back in the bed again and closed his eyes tight against the lump rising up in his throat.

/I love you./

//I love you.//