Ephemeral Permanence

Ephemeral Permanence

by Ticklefish

dedicated to barb

*****************


"Where are you going?" asked Chris.

I didn't reply and kept walking.

Sub-ordinates shouldn't question their superiors. It was an excellent question though, Chris's questions normally were. He had a very sharp mind.

We had, until I decided to get out, been in the back of a van together. But not alone. It had been me, Chris and several thousand dollars worth of surveilance equipment. We were hidden in the shadows a few metres down from a suspected drug-dealer. He had come home two hours previously and by all accounts was fast asleep.

I wished I was fast asleep.

I leant against a tree and took a cigarette out of the packet. I was trying to quit but it wasn't working. Having a job with a pharmaceutical company gives you a nasty insight into what chemicals can do to a body and I had long since sworn that I would never let anything into mine. I took a drag and ruefully shook my head.

There were times when you just needed a smoke.

If anyone asked, anyone who wasn't working under me that is, I would have said that I needed to get some air.

Which is partially true. It gets very hot and airless in those vans, Bravo Team had nicknamed them sweatboxes, a frivolity I was trying to stamp out.

But if I was honest, if I was really honest, it wasn't that at all. It was him. It was the man I was sharing the space with.

It was Chris Redfield.

I checked to see if anyone was looking and took off my sunglasses. I looked like an idiot with them on at 3 in the morning anyway. I rubbed my eyes and tried to get the vision of him out of my head.

He was in uniform and was doing nothing at all untoward but I kept finding my glance drifting towards him. I gazed at his sweater, remembering that chest I saw the other week. I looked at his arms, imagining the muscle. I stared at his face, at his eyes, at his jaw, at his lips..

I began to imagine those lips pressed against mine..

That's when I had to get out.

I was his commanding officer. No, I was in charge of the whole unit. I couldn't allow myself to have these thoughts. I needed to be stronger, more resilient. He was my sub-ordinate, I was his captain, that was all there was to it.

I could still smell his cologne.

I couldn't think this way. And with a man as well. A man, for pity's sake. Oh, if it was a woman, everyone would understand. They'd still think I was losing my authority but they'd laugh it off.

"Oh, Al's finally found himself a girl." they'd say and they'd laugh.

But laughter fades. I'd prove myself, the unit would be a success and they'd eventually forget about it.

But a man.

A man would ruin me.

I couldn't think this way. I just couldn't.

But I did.

God help me, but I did.


***


I'm walking but I can't feel the ground. I know there is ground there and I have no difficultly crossing it but I just can't feel it.

This is ridiculous.

No, this is worse. This is stupid.

I hate stupid.

I feel angry and I luxuriate in it. The anger is an old friend and I welcome it back with open arms. I feel it sweep aside my confusion. I still don't know where I am or what is happening but I no longer care.

I am Albert Wesker. I am the supreme human being and I shall rule this place and crush whoever thinks they can run it instead.

But something's wrong. Something's terribly, deeply wrong. I feel angry but I don't feel the rage. The incandescent rage that used to fuel me, that I had honed to a sharp edge. I dig deep but I can't bring it on anymore.

I am angry but nothing else.

Something is missing.


***