The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: "In her first passion, a woman loves her lover." (Byron)

Hayden saw him stagger. His barrier was down. Her eyes, trained by thousands of battles, saw that he would fall with the next hit. He would fall, die, killed right before her eyes, just as hundreds of others had been killed.
With shocking speed, she charged, placing herself between him and the enemy. The shots, meant for him, slammed into her barrier as she flung the pirates aside like rag dolls. Silently, Hayden charged again, bringing the fight right to them. They panicked at finding an enemy in their midst, firing wildly as stood up, sought cover. She dodged, threw biotic fields that crippled their armor and left them helpless. Switched to a shotgun, and began pumping them full of radioactive lead slugs, shredding whatever defenses her biotics couldn't touch, chasing them mercilessly into their holes. She moved faster than she ever had before, pushing herself to the limit. Dealing so much damage they couldn't risk ignoring her, not for a second. Not even to take a shot at a defenseless man on the edge of the battlefield, slowly crawling to cover. When it finally occurred to them to try using a rocket launcher, she had already killed over two-thirds of them.
She saw it coming, saw him half-hidden behind the cover of concrete. Saw the pirate leader - shields down, armor riddled from her slugs, cowering behind a shattered crate that provided no real cover. Dodging would ruin the shot. She whipped out her pistol, took the shot. Saw the man's head explode beneath the impact, leaving a trail of blood and gore on the wall and all over what remained of his skull. The blast ripped through her barrier and her shields, knocked her off her feet. She hit the ground hard, but still breathing.
Someone cried out: "Shepard's been hit!" The familiar sound of a sniper rifle cracked out, and she heard the distinctive noise of a handheld rocket launcher clattering to the ground.
That was my kill, Hayden thought to herself, rather irrationally. She wanted to get up, but her body wisely refused. Someone was leaning over her, talking, but her non-essential implants were shutting down to conserve power. "I can't hear you," she tried to tell them. And then he was there, his warm hands on her face, soothing and calming. She wanted to turn her head to look at him, but her neck wasn't working correctly. He held her still, stroked her hair. Looked at her, shook his head commandingly. She idly wondered why his hands were so wet. Surely that wasn't her blood? How badly had she been hit? When had he taken off his armor? She looked up at him again, so serious and somber. He was upset about something, but before she could ask, Hayden drifted off into a haze of pain.
She awoke to his eyes on her again. Kaidan. His eyes were warm. Dark. Hayden watched him watch her, idly amusing herself by counting his eyelashes. One of them was loose, she wished she could reach up and brush it away. Of all the times she could remember being shot, this was by far the most fun. Her body was in pain, of course - because of her condition, she couldn't take any painkillers. She'd gotten used to it over the years. She wondered if he knew that? Maybe that's why he looked so upset. Was he wondering if she was in pain? She wanted to explain that she was, but it didn't really hurt - not the way other people would interpret it, anyway. Mostly because Hayden didn't actually know what being 'hurt' really meant.
Unless 'hurt' was that sensation that had gripped her soul at the thought of seeing Kaidan die.
She shook off that horrifying thought before it could take root in her mind and instead, went back to staring at Kaidan since he was just sitting there. Holding her hand in both of his, stroking her arm, caressing her fingers. She wondered if that meant her other arm was damaged. Had she fallen? She couldn't remember, it was all fuzzy after the rocket had hit her. She realized she must have fallen, the blast would have carried her off the scaffolding. How annoying, and they had been out of medi-gel before that part of the fight so he wouldn't have been able to stabilize her. No wonder he was so worried, she told herself. They must have brought her back to the Normandy, but she didn't really remember.
Hayden closed her eyes. She suspected that she had fallen asleep again. Opened her eyes just a crack, checking the light level. The lights were on low. They had been on the standard setting before, so she must have been asleep. She wondered if she should try to sit up.
A pair of warm, soft lips brushed against hers in the darkness. She could smell tears on his face. Felt his lips forming words she couldn't hear, realized with a shock that her implants were still off. She must have been very badly damaged. She forced them to reactivate, as she closed her eyes again and pretended to be asleep as he thought she was. Kaidan kissed her again, and she suddenly realized that pretending to be asleep wasn't going to work.
The heart monitor beeped, and he sat up sharply.
"Lieutenant Alenko, may I ask why my patient's heart has skipped a beat?"
"Uh..."
Even with her eyes closed, she could tell he was blushing. She resisted the urge to peek, and tried not to smile at the sound of his voice.
"I was just saying good night," Kaidan explained.
"Of course." Dr. Chakwas' voice was rich with amusement.
She fell asleep again, dreamless and strangely soothed by the feel of Kaidan's lips. The next time she awoke, Hayden forced herself out of bed, staggered to her feet, impatient with herself and her weakness.
"Shepard! What are you doing?" Liara rushed forward, slipped a supporting arm around Hayden as she stood up. "I thought the doctor said -"
Hayden shook her head angrily. "I'm sick of lying here. It's boring and stupid. I need to move around." Hayden took a few experimental steps, forcing herself to compensate, overcome. She found a kind of equilibrium and walked slowly across the room. "Wow, how far did I fall?"
"I'm not sure," Liara led Hayden to a chair, and forced her to sit down. "I know everyone was amazed that you survived at all, and I'm positive you shouldn't be out of bed yet."
Hayden waved that aside. "I'm not going to rush into a fight, but I have to get out of that damned bed before I turn into a vegetable." Hayden gritted her teeth, and touched her ribs gently. "Ow."
"You took a rocket head on."
Hayden shrugged, winced at the pain. "I was pretty sure it wouldn't kill me, and I was right." She stretched a little, testing muscles and bone and sinew. "It just hurts, that's all."
Liara stared questioningly at her. "Do you even feel pain?" she asked disbelievingly.
"I know when to stop fighting, if that's what you mean. But this is more irritating than anything else. At least I'm not coughing up bone. That was a lot worse, trust me."
Liara winced at that image. Startled by the unnatural pallor of Hayden's face, "I really think you should lie down again."
"In a minute," Hayden grumbled. She leaned forward in the chair, letting her hair hide her face, and listened to her own body for a moment. She concentrated on herself, and completely forgot that Liara was still watching her.
"Oh, goddess, what are you doing? Stop that! Stop that this instant!" The panic in Liara's voice brought her back to herself.
Hayden looked up in amusement, and slowly let the surge of biotic energy dissipate. "What?"
"Using biotics in your state? Are you mad? You could cause permanent neural damage!"
Hayden laughed. "I was just checking my reflexes. Calm down."
Liara rushed to the door of Medical. "Lieutenant Alenko! Please come talk to her, I can't get her to return to bed."
Hayden shot Liara an angry look. "That's fighting dirty, Liara."
Liara ignored her, moved aside to let Kaidan enter.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"Getting back into bed, apparently, since everyone thinks I'm made of glass." Hayden stood carefully, walked back to the bed she had been lying on. "Hrm." She had slid down to get out, and didn't really feel up to climbing back in.
Kaidan was there before she could turn to ask, lifting her carefully and placing her back on the bed.
"Thanks." She smiled at him, and settled herself back on the pillows. "I'm hungry. I want real food."
"I'll go to the mess hall and get you something to eat," offered Liara, and left the room.
Kaidan looked curiously at her after Liara had left the room. "I never noticed that you had hearing implants."
She almost shrugged, but remembered in time. "Yeah, I don't go around advertising my genetic defects."
"You know that's not what I meant." His voice was gentle, but the underlying anger was still there.
She squirmed slightly, didn't meet his eyes. "Sorry, it's just... it's not something people usually notice, that's all. Or care about. We did finish that mission, right? Please don't tell me I took a rocket to the face for nothing."
"Of course we did. You shot the leader of the pirates instead of dodging, remember?"
"Oh." Hayden thought about it, but all her mind could show her was the space behind where she had been standing in the cargo bay of the pirate ship, Kaidan with no barriers in partial cover where he would have been hit by shrapnel if the rocket had gone past her. "So now I just have to mend up some broken bones. Did we get any data on where the pirates were getting their intel from?"
"Tali is still working on decrypting the data from their computers. I can go get you the full report if you want." He stepped away.
She flinched at the coldness in his voice, knew it to be her own fault. "Okay, fine. I have a novel variant of Griscelli syndrome. Besides the hearing impairment, I also have moderate photophobia and I will always get sunburn if I don't wear protective clothing because I have almost no pigmentation in my skin or eyes. I have implants so I can handle changes in light, besides the hearing implants which shut down if my medical implants need more power than normal. Eyes are considered essential functions so they can't be turned off. They can't do anything about skin but I'm not much of a beach person anyway."
Kaidan smiled at that, then, more serious, asked, "Is that why you can't take any painkillers?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I react differently to anaesthetics and depressants than a normal person would. A lot differently." She looked over at the wall, and decided not to elaborate. "I also have an unusual genetic disorder that they can't decide whether to label as a defect or not."
"What does that mean?"
"Most biotics suffer from gradual neural degradation. I have neural regeneration instead."
He started. "What? How is that possible?"
"It's not unknown, but it's uncommon. Most people with the disorder would never know. It's just more obvious in a biotic. The problem is that if you're not wired correctly in the first place, you keep regenerating the same way. You can't grow new nerves, just the old ones over and over. So you can't get around having an impaired sense of self-preservation, for example," she said dryly. "Or impaired hearing, for that matter."
"So, that's your excuse for jumping in front of a rocket? Your genes made you do it?" He couldn't keep a touch of bitterness from seeping into his words. Even as he said them, Kaidan regretted it and knew he would hurt her.
"My job was to stop a bunch of bad guys. My methods are my own choice, so long as I succeed." Her voice was harsh, her eyes cold and blue, holding his with a fiery, unexpected anger. Suddenly, the fire died and she blinked, looked down. Lay quiet and still in the hospital bed that was too big for her, very small and alone.
Kaidan moved closer, took one small hand in his. "Hayden? Are you all right?"
"It isn't fair," she said so softly he could barely hear her voice. "I didn't think anything would hurt more than seeing you die, but you're mad at me, and that hurts more than anything I've ever...." she choked a little on the words. "I didn't do anything wrong. That's not fair."
For all her strength and savagery, she was at that moment nothing more than a child desperate for approval.
"Hayden, I... how do you think I felt? Watching you fall, knowing it was my fault? Because I was stupid enough to get caught, completely defenseless, in the middle of a battlefield? I know you did it to save me, and I've been sitting here for days, watching you lie there in agonizing pain, knowing it was all my fault. I didn't want that. I don't ever want to see that again."
She stared at him, wide-eyed, as he spoke. Thrilled to the sound of his voice, his pain. It was real to her, real like nothing else she had ever seen or heard or felt before. She was silent, continued to watch him until she realized that she should say something. He watched her, dark eyes to light eyes, wondering. For a moment she panicked, trapped by her own mind as she realized she had no idea what she should say at such a moment. Then she realized she didn't actually have to speak, he just wanted to know that she felt ... something. She pulled at his hand, covered his hand with both of hers, pulled his hand to her lips. Kissed his hand reverently, still holding it protectively in her own.
Kaidan brushed his fingertips against her face, stroked her silvery-golden hair. "We... we really shouldn't be doing this, Hayden."
"What? Why?" Innocent confusion, still holding his hand in hers.
Kaidan met her eyes, felt himself drowning in them. "There are rules, you know."
She laughed. "If they enforced all the fraternization rules, there wouldn't be any Naval families. And we all know that isn't true."
Kaidan shook his head, watched her smile. It was so easy to move her to anger, but only he could bring her back so quickly. She was unbalanced, of course - no one could have come out of Torfan without some scars. He felt a quiet pride in her need, a subtle joy in her dependency. The self-restraint that he had forced on himself for years was finally proving its value.
He leaned over her, kissed her softly on the lips. "I'm sorry."
She considered for a moment, realized that was what he had said earlier, when he had thought she was asleep. She gazed at him, and finally smiled slowly. "It's okay, just don't do it again."