Forget Horizon

The Zakera wards passed in a haze of shimmering metallic colours as Shepard raced through as quickly as she should. She focused on nothing save for the path in front of her and putting one foot in front of the other, she wanted to get back to the Normandy and hide out in her cabin for a good long while; maybe until the Illusive Man came up with something new for her to focus her mind on and help her forget about everything else.

She'd had a feeling it would come to this, Horizon had been the start of it and it hadn't seemed to have improved. It seemed that Kaiden still couldn't accept Cerberus, even if they had done a damn good job at protecting the galaxy from the Collectors under Shepards lead, but she wasn't sure that was even the biggest issue. Hell even Shepard still didn't trust the Illusive Man and his organisation, they had some fucked up ideas but they'd been her saviours when the Alliance gave up, she'd owed them her allegiance at the very least, well when she agreed with what they were doing anyway. Shepard liked to be the one to call the shots, always had done, she'd made some bad decisions along the way, learned from mistakes, but once she had a goal in mind she would give anything to get it done.

That was what killed her about Kaiden. She'd wanted him for a long time since he first joined her crew and had flirted and worked her damn ass off determinedly to get him, even with his over thinking, Alliance regs and what not it had still happened. He'd even go so far as to profess love for her, well near enough in a few more well worded sentences, but she'd never said it back. She felt it, but these things were often a lot easier to feel than they were to voice aloud; still she had been certain that he knew. But the one time she does manage to tell him and it seemed to be too much too late.

Never get comfortable, remember that, because as soon as you do something will blow it all to hell and you'll be left regretting not saying the one thing you know you should have.

Shepard shook her head and pressed on, stern faced and determined, making for the doors that led out past the C-sec security checks. At least there were no pesky ID and weapons scans on the way out to hold her up as she wasn't sure how much longer she could stand tall and not break down. Not until you get on the damn ship.

She was feeling drained, the anger had completely dissipated when he had not uttered a reply. She should have known it was coming, but the silence seemed even harder to bear than if he had simply told her 'no', she'd just had to run. The brave Commander Shepard who never ran from anything runs away from her former lover twice in one night, she could almost see the headlines if people knew about it. Was it pitiful to cling onto the past so? Not for the first time she was considering Jacks 'advice', but she knew she would wake up regretting it massively in the morning. The pain of a love lost so recently didn't just disappear because you found someone new to take to your bed.

With a heavy sigh Shepard slumped through the door and into the decontamination chamber of the Normandy. She waited the short stretch of time while it roved her body, realised only then that she felt stone-cold sober once more. Guess a conversation of that sort can be rather sobering. She thought a little bitterly, wishing for nothing more than another bottle of something to knock her out so that she might at lest get some sleep and not spend half the night re-talking her conversation with Kaiden inside her head trying to see if it could have gone any differently if she'd just thought a little more before running her mouth off.

EDI greeted her a little too chirpily for Shepard's liking even in the monotone computerised voice, or perhaps Shepard was really just feeling that bitter. She made a noncommittal sort of grunt in recognition of the AI's greeting and hurried towards the elevator. She didn't want to be disturbed, anybodies problems they had could wait till the damn morning but When Kelly Chambers spoke to her Shepard found it hard to snap at the yeoman.

"Commander you have some new messages at your private terminal." Were the words that she'd heard so often before.

"Thanks Kelly, I'll check them upstairs. You're still working? The entire crew has shore leave you should go enjoy yourself; especially after what happened with the Collectors you deserve a break." Shepard said, wondering why the diligent yeoman was always at her post no matter what time she seemed to pass it by.

"Oh I will Shepard, I just had a few things to tie up…are you ok? You don't look so good."

"Yeah, well it's been kind of a rough night." Shepard shrugged, details were the last thing she wanted to go into, especially with Kelly who doubled as the ships shrink.

"I suppose that could be expected from going drinking with Jack."

That, at the very least, made Shepard crack a small smile. "Yeah you could say that, I take it she's not been back yet?"

"No Commander, no sign of her. Why were you expecting her back at all?"

"No, I'd just have been surprised if she was back already, especially if she was alone." Shepard shook her head. "Goodnight Kelly, I'll check my messages up in my cabin then I think crashing is in order, I'd rather forget about tonight as quickly as possible."

She didn't wait for any reply as she opened the elevator doors and jabbed at the button for the top floor of the ship to where she could seek some solace in her quiet little haven. Shepard had to admit one thing Cerberus had done a damn good job with the Captains cabin, plush for a starship didn't quite describe it and was about the nicest place she'd ever called home (well perhaps save for the apartment she'd won on a bet on the Pinnacle station but when did she ever find the time to go there?)

The door opened and Shepard immediately shut off the sound system, she wasn't in the mood for music. She glanced into the once again empty fish tank, never could keep the damn things alive for long but it lit the room nicely, then took a seat at her desk to take a look at the mail Kelly said she'd been sent. Much the same as it had been since they got back and various stories had been leaked out to the public, not a whole lot of it was true apart from what the Alliance seemed to know however the messages of thanks and gratitude were nice recognition that her mission had been worthwhile.

"Let's just hope they still feel this way once the Illusive Man decides what he's going to do with the data I sent him." She muttered, marking all the messages as read then shutting off the blinking screen. The bed looked tempting but as physically exhausted as she felt Shepard wasn't sure she'd be able to sleep. With a groan she lay her head down on the desk, she was getting a migraine and all the thoughts screaming at her from inside her head were not helping any…Maybe Dr Chakwas has some of that brandy left, I could always buy her another next time we're on Omega.

Shepard had just made up her mind to go down and pay the Doctor a visit, or raid her cupboards and leave an apologetic note…she was sure to understand the need right?...when the sound of her cabin door sliding open caught her attention. She dragged her head off of the desk wondering who the hell was disturbing her and mentally kicking herself for not engaging the lock. She glared at the black stretch of walkway until some booted feet homed into view, some that looked awfully familiar. Shepard trailed her eyes up his body until she met Kaiden's dark eyes and frowned.

"EDI! Are you in the habit of letting just anyone who feels like it wander on to our ship?" She asked scathingly still feeling terribly bitter, but it was at least better than the overwhelming urge to cry she'd squashed. If she could stay pissed off then maybe he would be able to drag it back.

"My apologies Commander, Commander Alenko here said he had something important he needed to discuss with you and I presumed you would not mind seeing as how you keep a photograph of him on your desk." The AI replied and Shepard scowled.

"Yes, well thanks EDI but try asking next time please." She snapped, feeling her cheeks burn. So yes it was true she'd kept that photo of Kaiden hopefully on her desk but he didn't need to know about it.

"I guess that's the kind of reception I should have expected." He said looking slightly sheepish but the mix of emotions in his eyes confused her more. She still couldn't fathom what he was thinking, perhaps that was because he couldn't either.

"Hmph, you're here now so what was it you wanted to talk about? I didn't think there was anything more to be said…god knows you were silent for long enough." She muttered the last under her breath but she had a feeling he still heard her in the quiet of her quarters.

"You ran off again before I could say anything…"

"I couldn't stand the awkward silence any longer than I did Kaiden, not after…what I'd said…it shouldn't have been a difficult question to answer." Shepard said feeling exasperated.

"Not a difficult question to answer? How can you think that Shepard, after all that's gone on these last few years?"

"Because you should still know how you feel!" She spat, tears threatening to make an appearance again. She'd managed to refrain from crying at all so far but if he stayed there much longer she might not be so lucky. "You may not trust me anymore, or even think you know who I am, none of that matters its not relevant to my question. I didn't ask whether you thought we could have a relationship still I asked if you still loved me or not. Simple enough, yes or no answer, not fucking rocket science! Fuck everything else and just tell me the truth it's all I want to know!"

He'd never seen her quite so emotional before, nor had he heard her swear quite so much. He felt frustrated with her ranting at him, angry that she had the nerve to demand this from him and yet ashamed that he was making her feel that way. The silence stretched yet again, conflicted with everything even after what she had said. If he admitted the truth would she seek more from him that he might not be able to give? She said no but he couldn't be sure.

Shepard shook her head. "Still the same, why come here if you really haven't got anything more to say?" She stood up from behind her desk. "Why torture me?"

"Torture?" He said in shock, "You think this is torture?" She'd made to push past him down the three stairs into her sunken 'living area' but as she came close he grabbed her again, fingers digging into the soft flesh of her upper arms and he forced her to meet his eyes. "This is nothing Shepard, you've no idea the torture I felt when you were gone, even when you'd come back!"

His dark tone made her shiver, "So what? You're trying to make me feel the same now? You never pegged me as petty Kaiden and you know I couldn't help any of that." She said surprised at just how even and steady her voice remained.

"No, you didn't. But that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt."

"I never meant to hurt you Kaiden." Shepard said softly.

He let her go so suddenly, pushing her slightly away from his body, that she tripped and fell down the shallow steps landing in a heap on the hard floor. "Ow, fuck! I really am going to be bruised in the morning." She grumbled getting to her knees. Seems her head may have felt sober as anything but her body didn't much want to comply.

Kaiden looked down at her on the floor and felt a jolt of something. He hadn't meant to make her fall, he wasn't even sure he had or if she had fallen of her own accord. But he still had to pick her up and an apology was on his lips automatically. "Sorry." He said, holding a hand into her eye line.

She took it and allowed him to help haul her back to her feet. "Not your fault," She said shaking her head. "My limbs still seem to think that they're inebriated."

"About it all Shepard…"

"Still don't want apologies Kaiden. An answer, that's it; yes or no?" She said standing close enough to feel the warmth of him and looking at him intently, waiting for the blow of his reply to hit her.

She watched his hands bunch into fists, a wave of thoughts and emotions crossed over his faced but she didn't interrupt this time. Tension knotted his shoulders for a moment but with a heavy sigh he let it loose, he closed his eyes and mouthed something silent Shepard couldn't make out before opening them and holding her gaze.

"Yes!"