Control

A/N Hey, sorry about the longish wait, I went on me hols and when I came back my internet was down. I’ve only just got it back this morning so....onward. The title and lyrics are from Joan Armastrading, Whatever's for us. Hope you like this chapter, it took me nearly three days with re-writes to finish.x.x.x.

Chapter Four

Whatever’s For Us

‘Speaking of love, you ask how,
Much you should give, expect, and receive?
Take what you could; give what you must ‘cos,
Whatever’s for us is for us...
Do what you will; say what you must ‘cos,
Whatever’s for us, for us.’

Joan Armatrading (Whatever’s for us.)

Leon had no desire to spend the last remaining weeks with Cloud in a mournful silence. He knew their time together was coming to an end and that soon he would have to pretend that nothing had happened between them. Even worse he would have to stand by and watch while Cloud was defiled, raped and abused. Leon wasn’t sure which one he found more distressing. But he was determined to cherish every second that they had left. Cloud on the other hand seemed determined to fight him on that issue. It was almost like the younger man was closing down every day that brought him closer to Sephiroth’s return and Leon was at a loss as how to stop him sliding even further. Leon sat at his desk in his bedroom, his work spread around him in a chaotic but strategic manner, but he could not concentrate. Cloud was sat on the bed, his back up against the headrest his knees brought up so that he could rest the pad of paper on them. Leon watched as Cloud practiced writing and spelling. Knowing that Cloud had come from a poor farming village Leon had suspected that Cloud could hardly read let alone write, so he had set Cloud the challenge of learning. He hoped it would keep his mind from wondering to less enthusiastic topics and keep him occupied in the mean time. Cloud had proved to be a fast learner, and Leon had almost found it a challenge himself to find his young lover ever more advanced books to read and passages to copy.

“Stop staring at me, you’re putting me off.” Cloud said with a small curve of his beautiful mouth. His eyes left the page he was concentrating on and flicked over to stare mockingly at Leon from under hooded lids. Leon knew that Cloud had no idea just how maddeningly attractive he looked in that moment and it wasn’t a manoeuvre to manipulate him. It was a look purely unguarded and beautiful and it made Leon’s chest swell with emotion.

“I can’t help it; you’re more interesting than my work.” Cloud’s smile widened a little at Leon’s playful words. “You’re more beautiful too, which is very distracting.” Leon continued as he threw his pen back onto the desk, resigned now to the fact that he was simply not going to get any more work done with Cloud just feet away from him, smiling like that.

“It obviously doesn’t take much to distract you then.” Cloud replied pretending to go back to his work but unable to concentrate knowing that Leon was looking at him so intently.

“Well it’s hard to concentrate on politics when you have a raging hard on in your pants.” Leon quipped back feeling his cock swell with the mental images he was allowing to flood his mind now that he had given up the pretence of working. Leon saw Cloud duck his head slightly and knew without even being able to see his face that he would be blushing. Leon stood and walked over to the bed, sitting just inches away from Cloud making the bed dip with his extra weight. Along with his blush Cloud wore a small smile; it was a private smile that suggested how much Leon’s words had an effect on him. Leon loved it. Knowing that that smile was just for him and no one else would ever see it. Along with the colour of his cheeks it made Leon’s heart almost burst with an overwhelming feeling that he could not place. It made him want to cry and fuck all at the same time. Acting upon the latter of those two thoughts Leon took the pad of paper from Cloud’s hands and threw them to one side.

Anticipating what Leon wanted Cloud lifted his head and welcomed the kiss. It wasn’t what he had been expecting but instead a fiery passionate and possessive kiss that stung his lips and made his chest warm with unexpected feelings. He felt consumed by Leon as he willingly opened his mouth to let the Commander take what he wanted. He let Leon pull him up so that they were both kneeling on the bed their bodies flush their hands beginning to roam.

Feeling braver than he usually did Cloud brushed his hands over the waistband of Leon’s trousers, his fingertips skimming the sensitive skin there. Encouraged by the throaty moan from the older man Cloud tried again, this time pushing his fingers underneath the fabric and stroking the skin closer to Leon’s pubic line. Cloud felt Leon claw at his back bunching the fabric of his tunic in his hands as he grappled trying to get more contact. Cloud couldn’t deny the pleasure he got from his hold over Leon. Everything he did seemed to make the older man want him more, and in turn it made Cloud’s lust fiery and manic. He wanted to take Leon to the edge of his control and see how far he could push him. Cloud would even concede that he wanted to take Leon far past that and force him to a point of no return. It was almost like Cloud wanted Leon to never be able to stop, not even if Cloud begged him to. Leon broke away from him and turned him around, attacking his neck with savage sucking and biting kisses. The familiar feeling of submissiveness enveloped Cloud and he let Leon position him, knowing all the while that there was something wrong this time. A distracted thought niggled in the back of his mind as the two opposing feelings of wanting Leon to fuck him and the fear of not being able to stop it clashed together. Would Leon stop if he asked him to? Would Cloud ever ask him?

Leon bent Cloud forward, ripping at his trousers as he tugged them down franticly, and as a fearful and terrifying comparison between Leon and Sephiroth came to the front of Cloud’s mind, he was unable to escape the question that he found himself asking in his own mind. ‘If Cloud pushed Leon that far... Would he enjoy it?’ the horror of such a question made a terrible uncontrolled fear burst in Cloud and he tried to struggle free from Leon’s grip, his lust long forgotten.

“No, stop.” He said as he turned away from Leon, covering himself in embarrassment and shame. Leon’s face was a picture of confusion and panic.

“What? What’s wrong?” he asked reaching out to Cloud to try and placate him.

“I...I don’t want to do it like that.” He replied his face flushed with embarrassment and horror as he tried not to contemplate the images of what he had just dragged up. He couldn’t bare the possibility of wanting Leon to do that to him. It was sick.

“I... I want to see your face.” He said simply hoping that Leon would understand. He didn’t want to explain that feeling Leon behind him like that made him think of HIM. Not only that, but it made Cloud think of Leon in less than savoury ways as well. It occurred to Cloud then that they had never made love it that position before and that on some level Cloud had been avoiding ever having to.

Leon understood. He understood all too well, and he was angry. Angry at himself yes, he should have realised and been more tactful but he was angrier at Sephiroth. Leon had hoped that he could make Cloud forget all of that. Leon hoped that when they were together no terrible images haunted Cloud and that the only thing that Cloud saw in his mind was Leon’s face.

“It’s okay Cloud.” Leon said as he inched closer. “I understand. I’m sorry, I just didn’t think.” If only Leon could make Cloud understand, make him forget and just make him see! Suddenly Leon had an idea. He hoped it would rid Cloud of all of his visions for good and convince the blond to trust him and his self completely. It was going to take some faith though.

“Come with me.” He said as he took Cloud’s hand and led him to the bathroom. Once inside he closed the door and turned to the younger man. He took his face in his hand and kissed him hotly but shortly. He pulled away and looked into his eyes, wanting him to know that whatever he said next he mean it and Cloud could trust him.

“Face the mirror.” He said as he turned Cloud around by his shoulders. Cloud obeyed and put his hands out on the sink to support him as Leon came and stood closely behind him, his chest pressed to Clouds back.

In the mirror Cloud could see Leon looking at him, his face blank but the emotion swirling in his eyes spoke volumes of what he intended to do and why he was doing it. Cloud himself wasn’t so sure and the look of trepidation showed clearly in his fine features.

“I want you to trust me.” Leon spoke softly, running his hands up and down Clouds arms for comfort. “I won’t hurt you, and if you want me to stop I will but I want you to just relax and let me do this.”

Cloud swallowed thickly but gave a small nod of the head. Regardless of what Sephiroth had done to him, he still felt that soft slow burning in his groin and he wanted Leon, looking at his gentle earnest face in the mirror he knew he would do anything that Leon asked and not just because he felt he had to.

Slowly, Leon began to undress Cloud until he was naked and staring at his own body in the mirror before him. Since being captured Cloud had managed to avoid looking at himself for too long and certainly not his whole body, but being faced with it now, scars and all made him wilt and feel small and ashamed.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of.” Leon said as if reading his mind, knowing that ashen look on his lovers face. Cloud just shook his head dropping his gaze from his reflection, suddenly feeling cold and vulnerable. Leon knew he had to move this along before he lost Cloud altogether. He quickly undressed himself and stood up tall and protective behind Cloud, pressing his bare chest up against him to give his silent support. Reaching round he took hold of Cloud’s neglected cock and began to bring him back. Subtle sure strokes made Cloud’s ears buzz with a mixture of heady pleasure and hot embarrassment. He couldn’t bring himself to watch their reflection, feeling like a voyeur looking in on someone else’s intimate moment. He gripped the sink harder as Leon skilfully brought him back to full hardness, pressing his erotic kisses on Cloud’s neck making him shiver inside. “I want you.” Leon whispered as he tried his best to get Cloud to relax and accept that this was Leon, just Leon and no one else. He could see that Cloud’s eyes were shut tightly and that his knuckles were turning white as he gripped the porcelain. Thorough his back he could feel Cloud’s heart beat quicken until it was a steady thumping that must have been aching in Cloud’s chest. As he guided his own cock to Cloud’s opening, parting his smooth ass checks as he did he was very aware that his plan might backfire if he couldn’t get Cloud to stay in the moment and not let his memories engulf him in darkness. Before he pressed himself inside he took a hold around Cloud’s chest, snaking his arm underneath Cloud’s rigid ones, hoping the gesture would be taken as one of protection and comfort. “Open your eyes, look at me.” He said his voice throaty and thick with passion and apprehension.

Cloud did, reluctantly and as his eyes connected with Leon’s he felt the older man push his penis into him. In that moment all of his senses were filled with Leon. He could feel his deep and intimate touch, see his unwavering stare and smell his closeness, even taste him in the back of his throat as he took shallow sharp breaths in. Cloud was unable to look away as he felt Leon begin to thrust into him and he couldn’t deny the fact that it was Leon now. No lingering memories could replace his lover as Leon filled him up and took away haunting images and the fear that accompanied them. He was overwhelmed and felt like he wouldn’t be able to take anymore, nothing had ever felt this intense before and it felt like it would consume him. Removing one hand from the sink he clutched at the hand that encircled him, needing to ground himself before he was lost. The feeling of Leon sliding in and out of him made his head feel like it was filled with sparks and although he desperately wanted to look away and close his eyes, just bask in all of the sensations that he was feeling he could not. Leon held him, with his body, his hands and his eyes Cloud could do nothing but let it happen to him and knowing that he wanted it that way made his cock jump in Leon’s hand.

Leon could barely contain himself to slow steady thrusts. He wanted nothing more than to bend Cloud over the sink, pressing his forehead against the glass and drive his cock into him. But he held back, the intensity of Clouds stare, the look of utter abandon on his face as he knew that his plan had worked. Leon knew that in Clouds mind now, there were no more ghosts to hold him back. That moment when they moved together, when they were so perfectly joined that Leon felt as if he could read Cloud’s mind was the moment that brought Leon to the brink. He felt his release coming fast and strong. Trying with all his might to hold it off he set a new pace, pumping Cloud in time and watching as the sudden change in tempo set Clouds cheeks aflame and bathed his face in pure euphoria. His eyes slid shut, unable to keep his eye contact with starts exploding behind them, Cloud let his head fall back to rest on Leon’s shoulder. Seeing his lover throw his head back leaving his neck and body so vulnerable, seeing Clouds cock, purple swollen and hard with his own hand wrapped around it pushed Leon over the edge and he came in a rush. His breath gushed from him, strangling him as his orgasm was so powerful it was almost painful. Cloud felt it inside of him, he heard Leon’s stilted cry and he couldn’t hold it back any longer. White hot light flashed behind his eyes, pushing at his temples and throbbing in the centre of his head as he came long and hard. He didn’t even realise that he was shuddering, Leon along with him until he opened his eyes to find that they had both sunk to the floor, their legs having given way beneath them. Slowly his hearing came back to him and above the rushing of blood in his ears he could hear Leon panting heavily, his mouth just millimetres away from the shell of his ear, his skin prickling where Leon’s breath washed over him.

Kneeling there, with Leon still clutching tightly to him, with Leon’s pulsing cock still inside him, Cloud had no thoughts in his head. His own breathing was fast and the weight of Leon pressed against him all mixed together in the immediate seconds after sex imprinted itself onto Cloud’s memory. He would never forget this moment.

Leon was the first to move. After long minutes he finally stirred and pulled out of Cloud, a soft exhale from his young lover as he did so. No more words were spoken, no more sounds were uttered as Leon turned on the shower and offered Cloud a hand to stand up. Taking Cloud’s face in his hands, Leon committed the look he found there to memory. Cloud was flushed, small drops of perspiration rested on his clammy skin, stray bangs sticking to his forehead and neck, his eyes were full of warmth as they glowed and his lips were moist and slightly parted, letting his breath rush past them. Tempted beyond any control to stop himself Leon kissed him, pulling him into a short embrace before turning away and pulling the younger man into the shower with him.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Cloud had not said a word since emerging from the bathroom. He had merely stretched, yawning a little as he climbed into bed exhaustion taking over. Leon had climbed in beside him, wanting just to hold him close and be still with him for a while. Gradually though it became clear that Cloud’s thoughts were drifting again and Leon could sense that he was brooding. But before he could even open his mouth to ask, Cloud had already beaten him to it.

“You’re going to ask me what I’m thinking about, aren’t you?” he asked almost sarcastically. Leon smirked despite himself and tried to suppress a small laugh.

“You do have a way of filling the room with thoughts even though you haven’t even opened your mouth.” Leon replied. There was a few more seconds of charged silence before Cloud spoke again.

“My mother always used to say that she could hear me thinking a mile away.” He said without any humour. He realised that it was the first time he had spoken about her since...

Leon could feel the heartache radiating off of Cloud. He knew something had happened but he had never heard Cloud mention his family before. Unsure of how to navigate such a conversation, he didn’t want to tread on any toes or open any old wounds but he didn’t want Cloud to continue being so distant with him. He was already determined to make their last two weeks together as happy as it could be and maybe if he revealed a little about himself it might encourage Cloud to open up.

“I never knew my mother.” He said matter-of-factly causing Cloud to turn over and look at him. He waited for Leon to continue, knowing that he would.

“She died giving birth to me.” He said, this time with a bit more of a pull in his words that made him realise that this was the first time he had spoken about his mother since he was a child. It also made him realise that he very rarely thought of her either. “I know nothing about her. Not even her name.” He said as he wondered whether this had been such a great idea. Frown lines had appeared between Cloud’s brows as he took in the information.

“What about your father, hasn’t he told you anything? Haven’t you asked him?” he said puzzled that Leon would not wonder about his mother so much that he neglected to ask about her.

“I never knew my real father either. I was adopted.” Lean replied flatly. “I was born in a shitty rundown apartment sometime in August around about twenty five years ago, though I can’t be certain. My mother had died giving birth to me. She must have lain there with me for two or three days before the landlady found us. She was the one that rescued me and brought me up until I was about five. She was an old lady herself and I came home one day to find that she had died in her chair.” Lean stopped, looking away over into the far corner of the room as if that was where he would access all of his memories. “I had nowhere to go, so I became a street kid, you know those filthy children you see rooting around in dumpsters sleeping in shop doorways. I survived begging off people in the street until my foster father found me and took me in. He’s a Soldier. He gave me a home and a job, he raised me, I...I don’t think I would be here now if it wasn’t for him.” Leon said his voice finally giving way to some emotion other than the woodiness that he used to describe his early life.

Cloud felt an immense swell of sorrow for Leon. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of life he must have led. To not even know exactly how old you were, when your own birthday was. “I’m sorry.” He said simply, not knowing what else to say.

Leon seemed to pull himself together and Cloud was sure he actually saw his walls being fitted back into place. “Huh, don’t have to be sorry. Can’t miss what you never had right?” he said almost to blasé.

“Right.” Cloud agreed a little forlornly. He felt obliged now to talk about his own mother, which he most defiantly didn’t want to do, but he had the feeling that sharing their pasts, regardless of how truly awful they had been was something that could bring them together. A sort of understanding of souls.

“My mother...” Cloud stopped himself. He had been about to say that she had died but he knew that that was the wrong way to say it. “My mother was killed.” He corrected himself. Cloud felt the ensuing silence fill with anticipation for the rest of his story, and to Leon’s credit he didn’t push Cloud for it.

“When...when I became Sephiroth’s...slave, I mean...at first I... I wasn’t always like this. I hated it...not that I don’t hate it now...I mean...back then, I fought it. I fought him. I was determined not to be broken. I was determined not to let him win.” Cloud stopped himself from saying more. He didn’t know whether he would be able to finish. “I escaped four, maybe five times. Each time they brought me back and I would be dealt a different punishment.... after the fifth time, he ran out of punishments for me. I made it clear that no matter what he did to me I didn’t care. I think I thought that if I couldn’t escape then I wanted to die. I wanted to push him far enough so that he would kill me.” Cloud words had taken on a hollow tone, like he wasn’t really talking about what had happened to him but it was about someone else, someone that he could safely disconnect all emotion and feeling from, like he was reading from a story book. “He killed my mother instead.” He said the last quietly, seeing it all happening again in his mind’s eye.

The weight of Cloud’s words pressed in around Leon. He felt himself flush with anger and disbelief, hating Sephiroth even more than he already did.

“He made me watch, and then when it was over he said that if I ever tried to escape again, if I ever disobeyed him in any way, then Tifa would be next.” Cloud finished after he was able to finally get his voice back in order.

Suddenly everything that Cloud had said the other day made sense. His reasons for not wanting to endanger Tifa any more than he already was doing, his melancholy about her in the first place. Everything was clear to Leon now and it made his own guilt about what he had done to Cloud ten times stronger. To have lost your mother before you even knew her was one thing, but to have her taken away from you before your eyes, feeling like it was all your fault was completely another. Leon’s chest was filled with pain for Cloud and instead of filling the silence with hollow apologise that he knew would never help he stayed quiet. He pulled Cloud into an embrace that he hoped would convey all that he wanted without words. Words were useless to him anyway.

Cloud appreciated the gesture, unsure as to whether he could take an ‘I’m sorry’ anyway. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want anything in that moment apart from Leon and the silence and sleep.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Leon was awake. Within moments of the dream ending he was bolt upright and dripping with sweat. Like most of his dreams he had trouble remembering details but he was dam sure what this one had been about. Looking over beside him he saw that Cloud was still asleep. Glad that he hadn’t woken him, Leon slipped out from under the covers and quietly left the room. Above all else Leon felt disappointed. He hadn’t had that dream in years and he was gutted that after so long, just a few moments talking about his past had brought it back. He had worked so hard to forget.

***(Flashback)***

A line of women and children knelt before him. All quivering with fear, their terror written all over their faces as some clung to one another; others trembled silently as they seemed to know that this day would not end well for them. Their dirty clothes hung off them; their smoke smudged faces pale and malnourished. It was clear that these were the poorest people from the farms and villages that dotted his country and he felt an overwhelming sense of compassion and understanding for them. Save for a cup of chance, he would have been like them too. His sword was held limply in his right hand as the end of the blade scratched the dirt and he couldn’t even bring himself to look at them. He had hoped that becoming a Soldier would change his life, make it better in some way, but as he saw the devastation of the burning village around him, all of the bodies that littered the streets he felt that hope fading. And now these seven women and children lined up before him compounded the fact that he had placed his faith in the wrong hands.

“I can’t.” He said. Feeling the General stood behind him, his forcefulness and his manic anger pushing Leon to do what he had been ordered. He thought for a split second that the General would strike him, but he didn’t. Instead he moved away and went to stand by one of the prisoners. He looked over to Leon with an expression that Leon could not place. It was one of humour but something else as well.

“I knew you would not be able to.” Sephiroth said with mirth in his voice. He was mocking Leon now. “You are weak.” He said simply as he took hold of one of the prisoners. She was a young woman and she would have been pretty if she had not been so filthy and skinny. Sephiroth grabbed her by the hair pulling her upright from her bowed supplicating position.

“After this day, you will learn never to cross me again Commander.” He said the last word in a sneer, continuing to mock Leon and his position. “Don’t forget that I gave you your title and I can take it away again.” With that, Sephiroth sliced the girl’s throat. Her blood gushed out in long red spurts her eyes going wide with surprise and then fear.

Leon knew that he would do it, he knew that all of the women and children in front of him, even the whole village was there to die. That was why they had come here. This was his lesson. He had to stand there and watch it all, because he had disobeyed his General. These people had died because of him.

One by one the women and children in front of him were slain and Leon didn’t even lift a finger to help them. He fought bravely to hold back the tears that were stinging his eyes, but the nightmare that was happening in front of him was too vivid. He would never forget their faces.

When they were all dead, the General turned to Leon and smiled a wicked half smile. Picking one of the dead children up like it was no more than some rag doll he threw the corpse at Leon’s feet. Leon jumped back disgust flooding him as tears finally sprang free.

“Their blood is on your hands.” Sephiroth said before turning and walking away, leaving Leon stood in the massacre.

***(End flashback)***

Leon splashed cold water onto his face from the tap in the kitchen as he remembered the day that filled his sleep with nightmares. He had learnt a valuable lesson; Sephiroth was not to be underestimated. Leon had been very careful not to do so since that day eight years ago, and he realised as his thoughts turned to Cloud curled up asleep in the next room that that lesson was slipping. He had put himself and Cloud in danger. He knew what Sephiroth was capable of and he had no doubt that Cloud had at least some idea too.

Leon thought then of his foster Father and all the things that he had promised him as a little boy. How they had turned out to be hollow and empty. ‘He promised me the world’ Leon thought as he remembered what his Father had said to him.

“Become a Soldier, and no matter where you came from or what Class you belong to, you will always have a better life.”

Leon looked around himself at his apartment. Certainly he had nice things, a home of his own, money and even a small amount of fame, but at what cost? Sephiroth was mad, and because of them both, people had died and their blood and his compliance had bought it all.

“I’m such a coward.” He whispered quietly to himself as he rubbed his forehead. ‘I should just leave.’ He thought to himself. He had thought of running away many times before, but never had that feeling been stronger than the fear of what would happen if he did. Now it was different. Now he had two reasons.

Opening the door to the bedroom he climbed back into bed and sat watching Cloud sleep. ‘Now it’s not just me who needs to escape.' Leon very gently brushed back stray bangs from Cloud’s face, stroking the creamy skin of his cheeks.

“Now I have you.” He whispered before lying down and curling himself around his lover. It was a long time before Leon fell back to sleep.

‘Speaking of life, you ask how?
How right you are to be feared, or loved.
He’d not a life enough to trust ‘cos,
Whatever’s for us, for us.’