The chance that becomes an inevitability

The first thing Rufus became aware of was sound, hearing sob filled pants, breath sounding harsh and coming too fast. It bordered on hyperventilation, those shuddery gasps for air, and it took the half elf several moments to realize they were coming from him. Other sounds rushed forward, Rufus hearing his voice coming out in broken sobs, grief filled wails that competed with the roaring of water pouring out of a faucet.

His hands were on the stainless steel pump of the tub, arm muscles working overtime to force water out into the tub. It was already half full, Rufus not remembering doing the motions needed to get it to this state. He realized he didn't remember a lot of things, didn't know how he had gotten from Lezard's room to the inn's bathroom, didn't recall stripping his body of his pants.

He continued to pump water into the tub, white knuckled fingers gripping the steel as though he would shatter it through pure force. Even after the tub was full, Rufus continued to jerk the pump up and down, hearing the water splash onto the floor, feel it slide across his bare toes. A half hysterical sob escaped him, and only the thought of someone hearing him over the sound of the water and the pump kept Rufus from screaming his head off.

Panic drove his actions, more water sloshing out of the over filled tub, seeping into the floorboards. The urge to scream was rising, and he didn't think he'd be able to contain it this time around. He forced his hands off the pump, the steel moving up and down for several turns on it's own. Hands gripping the sides of the tub, Rufus bent over, thrusting his face into the cold water.

His scream came out garbled, water seeping into his mouth, the half elf choking on it. But he did not straighten, holding himself under the water, screaming his pain out again and again. He thought it'd be better to die than to experience such pain, and he wondered if drowning would be less painful than his soul being eaten away by the removal of the ring of Mylynn.

~No chance.~ He thought miserably. ~I've got no chance.~ Muscles straining, he lifted himself out of the tub with a loud gasp, feeling the water cascade down his chest in tiny rivulets. His hair clung wetly to his back, and Rufus blinked rapidly trying to clear his eyes of the water. It didn't help that he was crying, tears mixing with the bath water. It wasn't like him to cry, Rufus knew that, and yet he continued.

He had always prided himself on not breaking down, not giving in to despair. He had never shed a tear for the torture the elves had inflicted on him, biting back screams as they whipped and beat him. Never allowed his emotions to show as he was treated no better than a wild animal, kept imprisoned in a tiny cell. But he had never known kindness, never known anything but cruelty. Never known the gentleness of a smile, or how soft hands could be on one's body. Lezard had changed all that, treated him in a way Rufus had secretly been yearning for.

He could still remember how good it felt to be touched by Lezard, how his caresses felt, be they of the innocent kind on his cheek, or the decadently naughty feel of his hand on his dick. Just thinking about it made Rufus whimper, the man hugging his arms around his body. Never had he imagined it could turn wrong and so fast. "Lezard..." Rufus whispered out his name, hearing how broken his voice sounded.

He conjured a picture of the mage in his mind, seeing the polite smile the brown haired man often wore. But the image twisted, smile distorting into a leer, leaving Rufus gasping in fright. He shook his head, green strands sending beads of water flying in several directions, even as he whimpered.

"Don't think about it....about him..." He urged himself, and touched the edge of the tub. He climbed into it, lowering his body down slowly, feeling the cool water cause goose bumps all over his skin. Pain flared in his rear as he sat down, Rufus shifting uncomfortably. He settled for hovering over the bottom of the tub, not quite resting his butt on the ivory surface.

He wondered if he would be bruised come the morning, wondered how he would face the others, face Lezard after what had happened. He didn't think the mage would advertise what had happened between them, after all he had kept quiet about the incident at the Crawsus Forest Ruins. But just knowing that Lezard would be looking at him, purple eyes dancing in barely concealed mirth was enough to make Rufus scream once more.

Biting down on his lip, choking back the scream, Rufus picked up a bar of soap and began viciously attacking his skin with it. He scrubbed and he scrubbed until he was raw, rubbing the soap over and over in place on his thighs. Some rational thought whispered that he was trying to wash away Lezard's touch, and a garbled laugh escaped his lips. The soap was suddenly tossed, white bar slamming against the far wall, sliding down to the floor.

With a muted curse, Rufus buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as he fought back sobs. He openly wept into his hands, sniffling and sobbing loudly. He cried for a while, then dropped his hands back into the tub. Dully he stared downwards at his chest, right hand raised to scratch at his stomach. Over and over he ran his nails across his skin, until a hint of blood appeared. He stared, watching as his nails continued to worry at the thin red line, deepening it.

Soon he was scratching all over his chest, digging his nails into his flesh, making himself bleed. It hurt, a stinging pain but it didn't compare to the pain he was feeling inside himself. He was almost mesmerized by the blood, continuing to scratch at himself. How long would he have sat there in the water doing this, he did not know, for a knock came at the bathroom door.

"Rufus?" A soft, feminine voice called his name, concern evident in her tone. "Is everything all right in there?"

Alicia. Rufus froze, turning to glance at the bathroom door, relieved to see the lock was in place. He didn't answer her call, not at first, hand almost absentmindedly scratching at his skin. Again her knock sounded on the door, voice coming more urgent.

"Rufus? Can you hear me? It's Alicia..."

"........I'm fine...." He called out at last, voice nearly breaking on the second word. He bit his lip hard enough to split it, trying to use pain to keep from crying.

"You don't sound fine..." Alicia pointed out. "I....we could hear you. You've been....making noise for a while now."

"We....?" questioned Rufus feeling alarmed. "Is Lezard with you?"

"Lezard...?" He could hear the confusion in the princess' voice. "No...it's just me....and Silmeria."

"Ah of course..." Rufus sighed, feeling some of the tension leave his body. He should have known that was who she meant. "I'm okay....you can go back to bed now."

"But..."

"Go back to bed!" Shouting this time, voice coming out harshly. He could almost imagine the princess flinching back from the sound of it, her expression crumpling in tears. "Please Alicia....just...just leave me alone."

She didn't respond, not to him anyway. He listened to her voice, hearing her argue with someone. "But he says to go away!"

Silence as Alicia listened for a response. Apparently she got one, for her voice was rushing out in a low muted whisper, forcing Rufus to strain his ears in an attempt to make out her side of the discussion. He could only make out the tone of the princess' voice, soft and full of worry. He held back a bitter laugh, thinking things had to be bad if he had Alicia worried about him.

"Silmeria!!" The name came out loud, panicked. Rufus frowned, thinking Alicia would call more attention to them if she didn't learn to keep her voice down. But before he could open his mouth and tell her to be quiet, something threw itself against the door. The lock rattled in place, the latch looking thin and far too breakable in the moment. Again something hit the door, and Rufus was torn between rising from the tub, or staying in place.

"Hey!!" He managed to shout, even as the door was slammed into a third time. "STOP!!" But he couldn't maintain his anger, a whispered plea coming from his lips. "Please..." Rufus hunched over in the tub, knees pulled tight against his chest, seeing blood stain his tanned skin.

A crackling sound was heard, ice forming on the door, but Rufus barely looked up. He didn't notice the way the ice crystals froze the lock, was barely aware of them shattering as his intruder slammed into the door once more. The door flew open, and footsteps were heard, bare feet slapping wetly on the tile.

"Rufus!"

The body was Alicia's, but the voice, the voice belonged to the Valkyrie. Where the princess would have slipped on the wet tile, the Valkyrie was all elegance and grace, walking sedately towards the tub. Rufus hunched over even more, letting his unbound hair fall forward to cover him, but try as he might he could not hide from Silmeria's eyes.

"You're injured." She noted gravely, eyes not failing to notice the pinkish color of the water he sat in.

"It's nothing..." Rufus said, refusing to look up from his knees. He hated that she found him cowering in the tub, hated that Lezard had reduced him to this.

"Rufus..." Her shadow fell on him, and he saw her reflection in the water, Alicia garbed in a thin white night dress. She stared down at him, and even if he couldn't tell by her voice he would have still known it wasn't Alicia he dealt with. The princess wouldn't have been able to look at him, not while he was naked. Her face would be red, and her eyes would have turned everywhere but at him. Silmeria however, was unabashed, staring boldly at his nudity.

"Why have you done this to yourself?" He saw her reflection move, hand reaching out to touch him. He reacted without thinking, twisting around in the tub to slap at her hand. Through the green curtain of his hair, he saw her eyes widen slightly, her hand hovering in mid air.

"Don't touch me!" He ordered, breathing heavily. Right now he couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching him, not even out of concern.

"Fine...I won't." Promised Silmeria, placing her hand down by her side. "But Alicia and I are worried about you."

"Well, don't be." Rufus said gruffly. "I told you, I am fine."

"You most certainly are not." Silmeria said, gesturing at the tub. "It is your blood that colors the water, that dries under your nails. People don't mutilate themselves when they are fine."

"It's nothing." Rufus said insistently, wishing she would go away. "I just had a little accident while bathing."

"That is a laughable idea." Silmeria shook her head, blond hair bouncing in place. "This was no accident." She sighed then, her blue eyes showing compassion. "Rufus..." She knelt down, the ends of her nightgown trailing in the water on the floor, the material turning translucent. "What has driven you to do this?"

He said nothing in reply, turning away from her once more. How could he tell Silmeria, tell Alicia what had happened between him and Lezard? What would they think of him? Would they say he deserved it, or worse yet, would they be horrified, disgusted by his actions, by his needs?

"Such pure, untainted grief..." murmured Silmeria. "The likes of which I have not witnessed in a hundred years. What has he done to you, to reduce you to this state?"

"He?" Rufus asked, fearing the answer to his questioning tone.

"Lezard...."

"He has nothing to do with any of this." Rufus said insistently. Denial was the key. Deny everything, and maybe they would believe.

"We heard you both." Silmeria said, and Rufus inhaled sharply. His fingers curled into fists, resting atop his knees. "The cries of passion....I know you lied with him."

Surely he must be blushing, an angry red flush to match the rage inside of him. He should have known they would have heard, what with the raucus Lezard was making. "Damn him!!" Rufus couldn't help crying out, slapping his hand against the surface of the water. It splashed outwards, droplets of it hitting Silmeria, but the Valkyrie remained unmoved.

"I do not mean to pry..." She began, but he cut her off with a bitter laugh.

"Isn't that exactly what you are doing?!" demanded Rufus, turning to glare at her. He watched her blink slowly, considering her words.

"I suppose I am." Silmeria said ruefully. "But it is for the good of the mission that I inquire."

"Of course..." More bitterness and venom spilled from his lips. "I should have known....you don't care about me at all, do you? You just want to make sure your vessel is still in working order."

"I did not mean it like that." Silmeria said quietly.

"Then how did you mean it?!" Rufus roared at her, angry to see her not even flinch in the face of his rage. "What am I to you, if not a weapon you can use in your revenge against Odin?"

"It's true you are my ally, but I would also call you friend." Silmeria said. "You are dear to me...dear to Alicia." She frowned to hear his humorless chuckles. "If I saw you as nothing but a mere tool, I would drag you from this room and tie you down so you could not further injure yourself. I would not bother to see to your wounds, or find out what ails you. I would merely ask Dylan to keep you captive until it came time for you to play your part."

Rufus shivered at her words, but remained staring at her. "Would you really do that? Are you that cold and uncaring?"

A grim smile at that. "Pray you need never find out the answer to that question."

"I don't pray." Rufus shook his head. "You of all people should know that."

"Do not seek to distract me from the issue at hand." Silmeria said sternly. "I want to know what happened between you and Lezard!! When we first heard you, it sounded as though you were enjoying yourself."

"You think I would enjoy that!" Rufus all but screamed in her face, holding up his fists in helpless rage. How could she think that of him?! How could she think anyone, let alone he would enjoy what Lezard had done to him? "How could I..." He opened his hands, reaching instead to hug himself. "I didn't want that...not in that way...."

"Oh?" A delicate blond eyebrow arched upwards, Silmeria cocking her head to the side, studying him.

"I told him to stop...." Rufus continued, his voice a whisper, his eyes staring through the Valkyrie maiden. "I begged him to....to take it out....but he wouldn't listen." He shook his head, letting the wet strands of his hair settle on his face. "It hurt....it hurt so bad...and he merely laughed..."

"Rufus..." Silmeria's voice brought him back to himself, the half elf seeing her clasp her hands together as though in prayer. "Those are serious words you speak. Do you realize what you imply with them?" He said nothing, merely looked at her, and she sighed. "Please.....tell me what did he do to you...I can't help you if you won't open up to me..."

"I....." He lowered his eyes, staring dully at the water. Rufus knew he couldn't tell her what happened, couldn't go through the humiliation of having someone else know what Lezard had done. Not Silmeria, and especially not the princess! "Lezard did nothing to me. It was all a misunderstanding."

"I see." A thin pursing of her lips, Silmeria's expression devoid of emotion. "Then I will leave you be. But Rufus..." She started to stand, face turned downwards to stare at the seated half elf. "When the time comes and you have decided you have had enough of his abuse....do know that my door will always be open."

Her words did not inspire the truth to come rushing out, though it did make him want to thank her. But before he could, she changed. It was difficult to explain, he watched as she did a slow blink of almond shape eyes, and though their baby blue color did not change, there was a difference there. The eyes were no longer the cold, all knowing eyes of a Valkyrie, but the kind, compassionate eyes of the princess.

"Rufus!" Just as he expected, her cheeks turned pink, and she jerked her head upwards from the downwards position SIlmeria had left it in. Miserably, Rufus also blushed, hunching over his body as best he could. He could see the princess' reflection, Alicia quickly turning around to present him with her back.

"I....I don't know what's going on." Alicia began, her voice heavy with nervous emotion. "I don't understand the sounds we heard coming from Lezard's bedroom, or why you were crying. I don't understand how you could do that to your chest. But...But I want to help! Please! Let me!"

"The best thing you can do is go away." Whispered Rufus.

"But you're hurting..." Alicia cried out in protest. "Not just emotionally, but physically...there's a lot of blood.....at the very least, let me tend to your wounds..."

"I can do it myself." Rufus told her, watching her reflection shake her head no. He sighed, wondering why of all the times did she have to manifest that stubborn streak of hers now. He found himself almost longing for the days when a harsh word from him would send the princess fleeing from the room. Then perhaps he would have the privacy he so longed for.

"But I'm healer...I can make sure infection doesn't set in..." Alicia insisted. "Please..."

"....Fine..." Rufus sighed. "If it will get you to leave quicker, then go ahead..."

"Thank you!! Um..." She fidgeted, touching her fingers tips together. "Do you think you could get dressed first? I promise not to look!"

"Wait outside then..." He ordered gruffly. She nodded in acquiescence, walking to the door. He wondered how she could move so confidently, then realized the lock on the door was busted for good. Alicia had no fear that he would lock her out once more, and even if he did, he knew Silmeria would take over and bust down the door once more. He sighed, and slowly pushed himself to a standing position, feeling the water drip down his body. Rufus shuffled forward, picking up his discarded pants, jamming his legs into them. They clung wetly to his skin, Rufus shaking his body, spraying drops of water everywhere in an attempt to get dry.

"Okay...." Rufus called out. "You can come back in."

The door opened, and the princess cautiously walked in. Her eyes immediately went to his chest, the blush remaining on her face as she stared at his shirtless physique. Ordinarily Rufus would be thrilled by the admiration in her eyes, but now he just felt exposed. "Let's just get this over with..."

"Right..." Alicia agreed, walking past him to fetch the wash cloth out of the tub. He watched her approach him, blue eyes wide and nervous. Her eyes seemed to mirror the emotions he felt, and though she was small compared to him, he found himself backing up a step when she reached out with her hand. "Rufus?" Confusion in her eyes, her hand hesitating in mid air.

"Er...do you have to touch me?" Rufus asked. He feared he would crumble if she laid her delicate hand on his skin, and more than anything he couldn't stand the thought of showing any more weakness in front of her.

"I need to clean your wounds." Alicia said with a frown. "I have to do this."

"Fine...Just...just be quick about it..." Rufus said, forcing himself to be still. Nervous, she approached him, and he was surprised to notice the fine tremble in her hand as she placed the wash cloth against his stomach. Just the barest graze of her fingertips against him had him hissing in pain, Alicia's eyes glancing upwards at his face.

"Does it hurt?"

More than he could ever say, Rufus thought, giving a shake of his head. It wasn't so much the cloth rubbing at his scratches, as the feel of her soft skin inadvertently brushing against the lines of his stomach. His flesh broke out into unwanted goose bumps, Alicia staring focused at his waist as she tried her best not to hurt him with her gentle scrubbing.

Bit by bit the blood washed away, and she darted the cloth up higher on his chest, rubbing it across his nipples. Rufus stiffened, remembering Lezard's teeth clamping down tenderly on one, and he fought not to cry out. Alicia must have noticed his reaction, because she paused staring at him in concern.

"It's nothing." He said, and she gave an uncertain nod of her head. She let her hand slip down his waist, going lower and lower towards a neglected scratch that started down low on his torso and disappeared into his pants. The wash clothe nudge at the waist band, not quite pushing it down, but it was enough for him to react. "Stop..." He forced himself to touch her, grabbing her by the wrists.

"Rufus?!" Alicia dropped the wash cloth, struggling slightly against his grip. "You're hurting me."

"I...sorry..." He gave a gentle shove, thrusting her away from him. "But I think I'm clean enough. Are you done....?"

"Almost..." Alicia sighed. "I can cast a healing spell on you, but I'm afraid my magic is only minor...I hope that combined with the cleaning of your wounds, you won't get an infection..."

"It'll be my own stupid fault if I get sick." Rufus sighed. She just stared at him, neither agreeing or disagreeing with his statement.

"Here..." Her hands hovered over his skin, and she began chanting softly. Her skin seemed to shine with a white light, the glow casting shadows on his waist. "Heal!" The white light flowed into his scratches, imbuing him with the healing magic. He could feel the warmth in her magic, the health it sought to bestow on him. It did not close Rufus'' wounds, but it chased away the disease that might have sought to take hold of in his skin.

"I should probably bandage your wounds." Alicia added as an afterthought.

"Don't bother." Rufus started to say, but Alicia was already stepping towards the mirrored vanity in the corner of the room. He watched as she rummaged through drawers, searching for a first aid kit. She found it, her reflection smiling at him as her fingers closed around gauze.

"This will only take a second." Alicia said, unwinding the bandages. "Lift your arms please..."

"I can do it myself.." Rufus said, reaching for the gauze. He all but snatched the bandages from her hand, watching her expression turn sad.

"Why won't you let me help you?" She was clearly frustrated with him.

"I don't need your help...." Rufus said, voice turning ugly as he sneered at her. "I don't need anybody's!" He felt satisfied to see her flinch back from his shout, and saw her open and close her mouth. But no reply came, the princess whirling around in place. He was left staring at her back, though if the half elf had bothered to look at the mirror, he would have caught the tears her reflection shed.

She didn't run, though she did walk fast, head held high, shoulders stiff as she strode out of the bathroom. Rufus sighed, and crushed the gauze in his hand, wondering why he sought to be so cruel to the princess. He took several hesitant steps forward, intending to go after her when he heard it. An oily, all too familiar voice greeting the princess.

He stumbled towards the door, almost crashing against it's frames, suddenly feeling dizzy and nauseous. The man's back was to Rufus, he could see the princess' surprised face over his shoulder. Surely he gasped, made some sort of noise, for the man was turning, polite expression turning cool at seeing the half elf.

"Sir Rufus..." Purple eyes danced with amusement, doing a slow glance over the half elf's half dressed state. "Whatever did you do to yourself?"

"Lezard..." whispered Rufus, unable to keep the fear out of his voice. His knees shook, and suddenly he was falling, hearing the princess cry out his name in concern. The hard wood of the floor was the last thing the archer saw before he slipped away into blissful unawareness.