Life and Death

Had I been a wiser, Less selfish man then maybe, just maybe I would have been able to tell her that he was still waiting for her, that after all these years Admiral Carth Onasi, the Republic’s Hero had not moved on…. But I didn’t. Instead I fell into the same old loop hole that I always have. I felt the tug of that same bitter darkness creep in, and I allowed it to tempt me; Just like I did with Visas and Breanna I played my games, manipulating Revan into believing that I could love her. For awhile there, maybe I believed it too.


Prior to the Jedi Civil Wars I had only seen her once. We had never met, for when I had seen her it had been from afar, but impressed me she had. Revan was at the apex of her power, glory, and wisdom. She had us all at her feet, and during the Mandalorean wars we would have done anything to appease her need to conquer that race of villains who threatened to smother us into disaster. To us Revan had been an unstoppable hero, and even I found myself looking up to the small, dark-haired Jedi whose words united us and drove us towards that one single goal. Victory. However I never dreamed what Malacor V would be like, but remember that day well I do. During that battle I realized some victories or never worth the price of a man’s life; A part of me died that day, and I don’t mean that in a philosophical sense. I mean that as in a very literal sense, and it took Kreia to open my eyes to see it.


During my mission, when I out scouting the whole damned galaxy to find what little remained of the Jedi she told me what she saw within me, the death of the force. I won’t lie, the words shook me up. I can remember how easily the words came to her, though, I can see even more vividly the glint in her eyes when she had said it. At the time I didn’t know of her dislike for the force, yet it never surprised me when she admitted to it. In a way I suppose I could understand how she felt; the force is a horrible, burdensome thing, and while it can gift you with immense power, it can also take it all away. I am a clear example of that, and I am most certain that they still call me “the Exile” – Not that I mind anymore, in fact I think I’ve grown use to it by now.


Still certain parts of my past tend to rub me the wrong way, like Atris. How I have come to loath that blasted woman, out of her own anger and rage she had accused me of being the criminal, while it was she who should have looked more closely in the mirror. A virtue of the Jedi Order indeed, insatiable witch! I’d rather consume Hutt slime then see her with power over me again. Fixed that well now didn’t I? I couldn’t let anyone know about us, nor could she, and that was what fueled our hate for each other in the end, making that battle far more fierce then it should have been. Our clash had been one of passion, neither wits nor force, but a passion that was just as raw and as deep as that night she and I had shared.


I try not to think about it anymore – A part of me is far too bitter to about my abrupt exile to dwell on what she and I may or may not have felt for each other. Had it not been for Visas and Breanna I may had lost myself in my own resentment over Atris.


Women had always been a guilty pleasure of mine. As a Jedi I am to be honest, loyal, and practically married to the damned Order, I shouldn’t have the time nor the energy to dispense my needs with women. I must be frank; I cannot help myself. To me, Breanna was a wonderful specimen. She was an ice princess whose pale beauty and sharp, elegant movements of the Echani were both alluring and satisfying to watch and eventually learn. I had seduced her then, during her lesson. Our tensions were high, and bodies close. I knew she never meant for her teachings to lead up to anything like that, it was I who instigated it. She had spent far too much time in that little ice pit, and never had experienced what it was like to be with a man, so I took my time and showed her the thrill of sex and from that point on she was mine, but I was never her’s. Breanna could never truly understand me, not the way Visas did. Visas understood the kind of selfish bastard that I was, and equally so she understood that if she offered herself to me that I could not deny her. It had all been some sort of ploy, I think, when she had taken me into the crew quarters to meditate. That day, it had been she who started it, and I was more then happy to oblige her wants. Visas was surprisingly wild, a creature who was well in-tune with her lusts. I cannot say where she learned to please a man the way she could, but I can always speculate…..


She’s like Revan in that aspect, but while I have never suspected that Revan was prude or a virgin at all, I never once dreamed that she would ever been as good in bed as she is – For she is rather…. Knowledgeable, more so then any Jedi I have ever coupled with before. I am not quite sure who it was that broke her in, be it Darth Malak or the Admiral, but whom ever had done it had done a fine job. Her touches were demanding and hungry, yet she wasted no time in showing me what she wanted and how she wanted it, she knew her desires well. In return, Revan then tugged at my own fantasies, burying herself within whatever sexual escapade she wanted. Who am I to deny her? Though I think part of her willingness comes from her want to forget much of her past, and after the bomb I dropped on her, I can say that I blame her.


Shortly after I had first arrived and realized my…. Interest in the former-Dark Lord of the Sith I knew that I couldn’t tell her of the Admiral. From the moment she set eyes on me I know she wondered if I knew anything of him, and when she had queried about the “Republic”, I told her it was fine. I never mentioned the Admiral, not directly of course. It wasn’t until far later down the road, after we had fought side by side for quite some time that I told her Admiral Carth Onasi had died during the battle of Telos. Protecting the planet and it’s inhabitants. Oh, how she cried. Kicked and screamed and carried on, all the while I held her, whispering my fake apologies and soothing her tears.


From then on I stepped into the roll of her hero, a strategic move that put me in the correct place. I was at her side constantly, right where I wanted and before long we had become lovers. She never suspected a thing, never thought to question why I was there. She was far too consumed by her own grief over the alleged loss of her Admiral that she never once pondered over why I would remain in such a desperate situation. It was all for the fact that I, Tarn Avery, had slipped into her husbands place and assumed roll of surrogate Admiral – A roll that was far too pleasing to step out of.


But I suppose a part of me does believe that it has a little to do with Kreia, where she saw the life of the force in Revan she said she saw the death of it in me….


Maybe I remain, because I want Revan to fix me.


Or perhaps I come here because I am still just as covetous as always. Whatever the reason here I am, lying beside Revan, telling her lies, telling her I love her.


For awhile there Kreia was the mother that I never could remember. She guided me past those barriers that I never though I could cross again, she dragged me back to the force coughing and sputtering. I had been an exile then, by choice I suppose, but lonely all the same. I’d never recommend a life like that. When you’re alone, you’re useless. Just some other life form whose sole purpose is to breathe, but when I began my training with Kreia it was like being reborn. I was a man once again, I had a purpose, a reason to live! The galaxy needed me. Me! My victory, however, was short live because like the rest of my master she turned on me as well. Still, before her end she had once final task for me: To go out and find Revan, help her defeat the Sith. Just Before her death Kreia had told me not to bring them along, any of my lovers. She told me I was to go to where no loves should follow, but she knew I loved no one; I am far too desirous for that. Still alone I traveled, to the farthest reaches of space and out into the very unknown. I had been there before. The silence is deathly so, and before long you feel as though you are just as dead as the sound. It swallows you whole, consumes the very person you use to be until someone can remind you that yes, you are still alive.



Revan reminded me this time.


Rolling over onto my side, I face her sleeping form. Her dark waves of shoulder length hair are an incredible mess, and her full lips are parted slightly as she mumbles in her sleep. Restful as usual. She dreams often of her Admiral, his name is never far from her lips and drips off her tongue with the same acidic sting as my resentment for Kreia abandoning me. Still, I can never find myself to loath Revan. There is something, something so addictive and wonderful about her that I can never help but come back for more, loving every moment of it.


It is her Admiral I have come to despise.


After saving Telos I had taken a moment to speak with the Admiral, Carth Onasi, who thanked me for my deed. I wanted to tell him that I was simply pursuing Nihilius, the masked master of Visas, but something made me stop. Perhaps it was that doomed presence that hit me, or the oddly placed darkness he seemed to exude. Whatever the reason I nodded my thanks and listened as he queried about Revan, then told me of how he met her. At the time I had thought him to be a love sick fool, but now that I can feel the love and passion she feels for him I can see now why he wants her back so badly. If ever lost her I would too. I can remember now, his words, and the way he shifted when he told me to let Revan know that he was still waiting for her. I promised to tell him I would pass on the word, however, upon the moment I saw her I knew I had to make Revan mine. Now remember, I’m a naturally covetous man, being so excepting of this I must also admit that I am guilty of taking what I want. Be it power, wealth, or whatever guilty pleasures the Jedi tried to teach me were wrong, they are mine – And when I first met Revan, after all these years since the Mandalorean Wars I knew that there was no way that I could tell her of her Admiral. I can just picture him now, pacing aboard his flagship while wondering whether or not Revan was coming home to him, and there I was fucking his wife.


Has there ever been a clever man then I? No, I doubt it.


Had her Admiral been in my place, could he have deceived her so? The poor bastard could not even persuade her to stay, and for that I laugh. On the inside of course, because she stirs now. Beside me in the bed that she and I have come to call our own.


OUR OWN!


Oh, the hilarity! If only she knew how many of my other beds I have shared and call our own. Now that I think about it though…. I do miss Visas. There was something, something about her that I can’t get out of my head. Blast it, that woman has really gotten to me – I don’t understand it, in fact dare I say that it would have been easier to have done without that woman. Still, I have fixed a lot over a short duration of time…. And not just old lovers. Nihilius, Sion, and even Kriea. Or forgive me, Traya – It truly matters not to me, they were just stepping stones on my path to victory, and what a path it has been. There is not a doubt in my mind that I have earned the fruits of my labor, which gives me all the more reason take my pleasure from them, Revan being my favorite, though.


“Avery?”


She speaks, and what lovely, throaty pitch it is.


“Yes, Revan?”


“I need you to be there for me when we return,” She murmurs, rolling her body over to face me now, wrapping her arms ‘round my neck.


“Return, where?” I ask.


Puzzling.


“We’re returning to the Republic soon, they need our help more then ever…. And I think you and I can really make a difference, especially with Carth gone.”


I’m silent for a long while, the color draining from my face. I can’t answer, and I’m thankful when she rests her head against my chest – Listening to the rapid beating of my heart. We will be returning shortly to Republic space….


Damn.