The Renegade Adored

Kaidan sat down next to her on the battered old couch, and pulled her to him. She sank into his arms, and he held her while she cried away her pain.
"I didn't know," she said brokenly, "I didn't know I was different. I didn't know little girls weren't supposed to be able to kill grownups. I didn't know you were supposed to feel guilty about killing people. I didn't know."
Hayden wiped away some of her tears, then reached out for Garrus, held his hand while Kaidan held her.
"They were all scared of me," she said softly. Her lips trembled, and she bit back another sob. "I – He didn't know what to do with me. He didn't want to have me locked up. He didn't want me to go to prison. So he asked someone with the Alliance, this doctor. And they said they could help, they would take care of me." She dropped her head, her hair falling like a curtain from behind her ears and covering her face. "The only thing was, they told him he had to promise never to see me again." She choked back an anguished sob. "So he did. I know, it was because of the gang, I know that now. But I didn't know." She shook her head. "I didn't know … anything. I was so stupid!"
Kaidan kissed her hair, and stroked her back, trying to calm her. He tried to control his own anger at the terrible betrayal, the mishandling, the damage they had done to her. "It's not your fault, Hayden." He kissed her hair again, knowing how much she treasured physical contact.
"All I wanted, all I needed to do was find him and make it right. I wanted to go home. But they killed him!" She broke down, clutching convulsively at Garrus' hand.
Kaidan held her tighter, whispered her name.
"I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to make it right. It was all so, so - unfair." She sniffled a little, and Kaidan wiped her face with his shirt. "So I fixed it. Or at least, I thought I did. I felt better, and then, I just didn't feel anything. For a really long time. Nobody seemed to care that I was different anymore. I served on a bunch of ships, chasing pirates and slavers. Some people hated it, they would have nightmares from seeing all the bodies or the wrecked colonies, but I didn't care. So I got moved up and got to fight them on the front lines. I was good at it. Really good.
"And then… they needed someone who would understand. Someone who wouldn't feel bad at killing a few people to save a lot. Someone who would make the slavers think twice about attacking human colonies. Someone who wouldn't wake up screaming at night after doing their job." She paused and looked at Kaidan, her eyes swollen with tears. "Why are they all four letters, Kaidan? Does it make the boxes easier to fit into or something?"
"What?" He brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm not sure what you're asking."
"PTSD. They didn't want to deal with it. It makes bad heroes." She was still looking at him, watching his eyes as she spoke. "So they found someone with ASPD instead. Because they wouldn't be affected. Not by the killing, anyway. And that's all that mattered."
Kaidan didn't say anything. His mind was spinning, grinding to a halt.
"I didn't go crazy after Torfan. I know what you thought. Everybody thinks that. Well, almost everybody," she corrected herself. She brushed away her tears. "They sent me to Torfan because I was already screwed up. Highly functional, upper spectrum, anti-social personality disorder." Her voice was calm again. Her eyes fell, unable to read what Kaidan was feeling. "Or if you're lazy, a psychopath."
She took her hand away from Garrus, stood up, wiped her face again. She didn't look at them, and instead started pacing.
Kaidan watched her feet as she walked, trying to think, trying to process what she had just said.
"Shouldn't someone have…" Garrus didn't finish the sentence. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say.
Hayden gave a short little laugh. "Have what? Noticed?" She shook her head. "They did notice. They knew." She glanced at Kaidan from under her lashes, but kept pacing restlessly. "They knew," she repeated. "They needed me just the way I am. They taught me how to act so I could sit down in a classroom without hurting anyone when I got frustrated. They taught me how to control my temper long enough to make it to the Principal's office when I was angry. They covered up my incidents at school. They buried complaints about me. They gave me my own teachers, my own classes, taught me anything I wanted to know to keep me from being bored so I wouldn't start fires. And when they were done teaching me, they sent me to go kill their enemies." She stopped pacing. "You really never noticed? You never wondered why I was friends with a violent alien and hated someone who had been in the same Academy class as me?"
Kaidan looked at her. Really looked at her. Trying to see a monster in her, hiding somewhere behind the beauty. But he couldn't. "But why?" he said softly. "Why didn't they just help you?"
She shook her head. "They can't, you know that. Besides, why would they? They'd just lose one of their best weapons."
"You're a human being, not a weapon," he said sharply. There was a blur of movement, and a rush of noise. It took him a second to realize that Garrus had tackled her, and they were rolling on the floor. Kaidan ran over to them, still trying to figure out what had just happened.
"Fine, whatever, get off. Get off me, Garrus, I'm not going to fight both of you," she said bitterly. Hayden stopped struggling, and dropped the knife in her hand.
"What were you doing?" Garrus demanded.
"Trying to prove a point."
Kaidan picked up the knife, and Garrus stood up. Kaidan helped her to her feet, then held the knife out to her. "Here."
Hayden stared at him. "What are you doing? What is wrong with you?" she shouted.
Kaidan smiled a little. "I'm confusing you again, aren't I? I'm sorry. Take it."
She snatched the knife back, and hid it in her sleeve again as she started pacing back and forth.
"Hayden. Are you planning to kill me?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Then why are you angry?"
She made an angry little noise of frustration, and kept pacing, didn't answer.
Garrus sighed. "Hayden, I know you still love him." He looked down at the ground, and forced himself to continue. "I would never leave you, not alone. But I'd leave you with him."
"No," said Kaidan firmly. "That's not what I came here for, Garrus. I didn't come here to take her away from you."
"I know," said Garrus quietly. "It would be easier if you had."
"I don't want either of you to leave!" she screamed. "I'm not going to choose! This is your fault," she raged at Garrus. "Why didn't you just leave it alone?"
"Because I'd rather lose you to Kaidan than lose you forever." He watched her eyes, saw her anger melt away.
"You…" she turned away, started pacing again. Then she suddenly turned back, and handed him the knife before she started walking around aimlessly.
Kaidan looked at Garrus, unsure of what to do.
Garrus shrugged. "Say something, Kaidan."
"Something."
Hayden giggled, and sat down on the couch again.
"Be serious, Kaidan."
"I can't," he protested. "This is stupid. Are we seriously arguing to see who gets to give up the woman we both love?"
Garrus glared at him. "That sounds really dumb when you say it that way."
"It is dumb. You want to make some noble sacrifice, like some weird interspecies Romeo and Juliet thing. But Hayden needs you."
"Garrus needs you, too." She looked at Garrus, then at Kaidan. "And you need him."
Kaidan opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again without speaking.
"She's right," said Garrus slowly.
"Well, that's a whole new dimension of weirdness." Kaidan looked at Garrus, as if he had never seen him before. "I don't really know what to say."
"Say you'll stay," suggested Garrus.
Kaidan looked over at Hayden. She was watching him, her face silent and still, waiting for him to decide. "I – this isn't going to be easy, for any of us." He looked back at Garrus. "But I'm willing to try it if you are. If you want me to." He held out his hand to Garrus, and to his surprise, Garrus pulled him into a hug.
"You idiot," Garrus growled.
He was warm, and Kaidan was surprised to find that it wasn't nearly as odd as he had expected. "I wasn't sure," said Kaidan lamely. Garrus let him go, and they stepped away from each other.
Hayden picked up Kaidan's cards from the floor, where they had fallen. She turned them over, amusing herself by reading his documents before handing them back to him. Suddenly she flipped the card over, and started reading the whole mission statement.
"Hayden?"
She looked up at Kaidan. "Oh, sorry. I almost forgot that I ruined your mission." She handed him his cards.
Kaidan shook his head. "Not really." He put them away. "Preventing 'destabilization' is so open-ended, I'm sure I can write a report that makes it sound like I actually helped," he laughed.
"Do you like your new boss? He uses such weird words."
"I haven't met him yet," Kaidan shrugged. "I don't even know if the change is permanent, or if it was just really bad timing."
"We should get going," said Hayden. "We need to get to the UPS depot before they close."
"You don't want to stay here tonight?"
Hayden shook her head.
Garrus grinned. "It would be nice to return to civilization."
Hayden smiled, and started picking up her things and putting them in her bag. Kaidan picked up the empty cans and wrappers, and helped her carry her bag to the shuttle.
"Oh, wait a second." She carried her bag back inside, and stepped behind a folding screen. "No peeking."
Kaidan and Garrus looked at each other, and laughed. Garrus leaned over the screen. "Are you keeping the pants?"
"I said, no peeking!"
Kaidan leaned around the other side, and watched her pull her tunic over her head. "He's got a point about the pants, though."
Hayden straightened her clothes, then folded her old gang clothes and shoved them into her bag. "Just for that, one of you has to carry it." She pointed to her bag, and Garrus picked it up with a grin. "Okay, let's go."