Breathe

 

The Citadel

"Grounded--are you kidding me?  What the fuck!  Those morons have their heads so far up their assholes that-- that--" Joker sputters.

I raise an eyebrow at him.  "Go on,"  I say.

"Um... that... they look normal," he finishes lamely.

I roll my eyes.  "Sad.  But you get an 'A' for effort, Joker." 

"Damnit, can't you talk to somebody?" he pleads.  "Get Admiral Hackett to spring us, or something?"

"I've talked to Alliance brass.  It's no good."  I squeeze his shoulder gently.  "But don't worry, we'll figure something out."

He nods gloomily. 

"Go ashore," I suggest.  "Get a drink, see the sights, whatever.  We've got some downtime.  Might as well make use of it.  I'll radio if I need you."

"Nah," he says.  "I'd rather be with my baby in her time of need."  He runs a hand lovingly over his flight controls.

I shake my head and head for the stairs.  But honestly, I understand what Joker means.  There's no place I'd rather be than here, on the Normandy.  Even if we can't do anything.  I've never really been attached to any of the other ships I've served on in the past.  Is it because this one's special, unique--the best in the fleet?  Is it because of the strange circumstances she and I have been thrown into?  Or is it just because she's mine, under my command?  Whatever the reason, I feel like this is home now.  That's a weird thing to be feeling for someone who's never really had a home. 

I walk down the stairs to the crew deck and towards my locker.  I've been meaning to do this for a while, and it might as well be now--I need to clear out all the useless crap that's lying around so I can get to what I actually need.  But for some reason the door won't open.  I stare at the bank of lockers.  They've been ever-so-slightly bent out of shape so the perfectly-fitted, pressurized doors are jammed.  I don't know if this is someone's idea of a practical joke, but it seems like one more piece of needless stupidity in a galaxy already awash in it. 

I hear footsteps coming up behind me.  Shit.  It's Kaidan. 

I suddenly feel tired.  I don't know if I can handle this right now.  I sit down heavily on the floor and slump against the lockers. 

"Commander, are you alright?" he asks.  Without waiting for an answer he goes on, "I'm sure there's a way to appeal.  We're under Alliance authority, after all.  Not the Council."

I tell him the same thing I told Joker.  The same thing I told Pressly, before that.  The Alliance isn't going to do fuck-all.  Repeating it is getting old.  And I guess it's getting to me.  Kaidan can see I feel like crap and he wants to say something, but as usual he won't put himself out there.  He knows damn well how I feel about him.  And he knows he doesn’t need to feed me this "I hope I'm not out of line" bullshit. 

He's not dealing too well with the fact that the Council and the Alliance both are hanging us out to dry, either.  I tell him that we're not going to wait around hoping for the Council to come to their senses.  Admittedly, at the moment, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but I have a firm intention of doing something, probably something the Alliance won't like very much.  Yeah, it's not a plan, but the plan will come--they always do. 

It doesn't seem to me that I've said anything significant, but for some reason, he drops his guard then, and for the first time in a long while I can see real emotion in his eyes.  I see hope there, anticipation.  Even admiration.

He holds out a hand to help me up.  I take it and he pulls, a little too enthusiastically.  I have to catch hold of him to keep my balance.  His shoulder is warm, I can feel the heat through his shirt.   And then I'm suddenly aware my arm is practically wrapped around him, that our bodies are closer than they've ever been.   He's looking at me, not moving away.  There's something new in his eyes now, something he's never let me see before.  Desire.  Raw and unashamed.  God, it's making my cock hard.  My heart pounding, I lean in to kiss him, and he moves to let me--

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander."  Joker doesn't sound particular sorry.  I grit my teeth.  Fucking cockblocker. 

But it's a message from Anderson.  He wants to see me, and I have to go.  I glance at Kaidan.  That look in his eyes is gone now, the look that set my blood on fire.  But it's still him there, not the emotionless mask.  That's something.