The Dragon Age world, plot, and their characters aren't mine but belong to Bioware. I get no money for writing this sequel.
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-- Kirkwall, the Wounded Coast Anders: I was tired, but one of the few advantages of Justice was that I didn't need quite as much sleep. He hadn't slept at all when he had his first host. A disadvantage: I didn't remember dreams of the Fade anymore. I didn't know if we couldn't dream, because he was, we were, always somehow part of the Fade. Or was I now like so many who just didn't remember their dreams? Who could I even safely ask?
Preparing to take first watch, I checked on the fighters and they seemed mostly recovered, even though I did more healing just in case I missed something subtle. Then I set my back against a pad made from my folded blanket.
The warriors went to sleep before Hawke really settled, and I was somewhat surprised they even let me do that anymore. Aveline and Donnic held each other, with faint smiles as they slept. Fenris also always slept lightly, a skill I'd also learned in a mirror image neither of us wanted to admit. Merrill settled quickly to sleep almost like she was a bird ruffling its feathers.
Varric stayed awake longer, watching me. He didn't say anything, but I could feel his stare as I sought any sign of enemies with all my senses. Finally he slept and I turned some of my attention to Hawke. Her mabari was alert enough, and looked at me when I turned that way. The silent stare of a
dog unnerved me more than the others' had earlier.
After a very long moment, Bigpaws settled again and I saw that Hawke must have been crying by the tear tracks on her face.
Hawke never cried, so went my first instant of thought, she'd been a dry eyed wraith after her mother died, only putting her head on my shoulder when she grieved. She'd been closed when she wasn't sure Bethany would survive the darkspawn taint or the Joining, but we weren't close then. My second thought was like a fist through my ribs, I hadn't even noticed in the hours since we camped, nor had she come to me for any comfort this time. Would she trust me again? I hadn't trusted myself for years, but still this cut deep and I'd done it to myself. It still wasn't the time to talk, we were still too raw.
Later I woke Aveline and tried to ignore her wary look as I lay down along Hawke's back and put my arm around her carefully. At least she didn't pull away from me in her sleep, and I cast a breath of healing on her. As I settled for sleep, I chose the risk to pull her a little closer to me and further from her mabari. He growled almost silently and bared his teeth, making my hackles rise before he settled again.
Holding Hawke close, I remembered my grief of only the previous night, that last night would be my final time with her, as I'd either be dead or been made tranquil by now. The only way I thought I'd sleep with her again was if I'd become the coward Justice once accused me of, and I hadn't seized the future. But I'd brought down Meredith and shown the Chantry could be defied, at such cost. I didn't think Fenris and his little trick would hurt any more than seeing her turn away from me when she left for the Gallows. I held her now, but did it mean anything?
Still she was in my arms again and a band around my heart loosened. Breathing in her scent, I went to sleep hoping for a day where Hawke and I could have been together without strife or hiding, freely.
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Waking midday, Hawke was only stirring in my arms and Bigpaws had left us. I worried when I kissed her by her ear, not sure what her reaction would be. She didn't twist away nor cuddle closer, holding herself too still.
Taking a deep breath, she turned to be face up. Her green eyes hollow, she said in a near whisper, “I don't know what happens now. Maker help me, I love you too much to lose you, but all those innocents...”
I'd managed to put that out of my head, a base violation of all I'd ever done as a healer. Some there had to include those I'd already healed over the years. The side I called Justice was silent, as if he didn't want to be reminded of grays again. Her tired and grieving eyes confirmed that those deaths were haunting her and her sleep was not restful. If I was to be cast as the demon in this history, she could be cast as my opposite... who'd been corrupted by a maleficar.
All very dramatic for one of Varric's tales, but Hawke always treated me like a man, not a mage, not an apostate, and not even as an abomination.
Grazing her the softness of her cheek with my fingertips, I admitted, “I don't know either. I must improve the lot of mages, that has been true for a long time now.”
“I once hoped...” she started to speak, but tiredly closed her eyes and shook her head with a sigh. Restarting after a moment, she said in too level a voice, “I'd ask you to promise to ask for help, to get another's opinion for your plans, one that is more grounded, but I don't know if I could believe any promise or vow from you now.”
After my deception I deserved that, but it still hurt to hear her say it. Worse was how she looked, with a sad and bleak expression.
I still ached for her, ached to hold her. She still fit so well within my arms.
Shaking my head, I said nothing. I'd made any of those words I could say for this just hollow noise. She'd believed me, believed in me, and thought I could be a good example. I saw the precipice I was still teetering on as Vengeance suddenly roared for more destruction.
Still I had to say something to break that spiral. Not thinking much, I started to say, “I said that I'd break your...”
I was surprised by a slap to my face, a slap hard enough to make my head ring all the more when I slammed into the ground too.
In an angry growl with her voice shaking, Hawke said, “Don't
you dare tell me that shit again. You make the decisions, and you've
so often said you and Justice are one. Are you, or not? Which is it? Do you even know? There are so many things we could have done instead of what you did. You know how many times I've argued with the others over things I've done, almost always to save lives and help people even when I don't like what they want to do.”
Reaching to grab the neck of my robe, she glared at me and gritted out, “The blade cuts both ways when people are free, they can choose to do the wrong things or nothing. If you have freedom to not join the Circle, Carver should have had the freedom to serve the Maker if he wanted without turning Bethany in, and Merrill should have the freedom to study her history if she doesn't harm others. I couldn't chain any of you up because I was afraid, that's what the Chantry does. Freedom has to grant the same to others. What else would be
just?”
Justice was again silent. I didn't know what to say, I wasn't ready for this anger. She had new tears tracking through the dried ones.
Leaning away a bit, I asked, with my voice cracking, “Is this goodbye then?”
Though I didn't know what would happen to me if she told me to go. A short and violent life I suspected.
Hawke bit her lip and shook her head, saying, “No, for so many reasons. I said 'for the rest of our lives,' and I meant it. I let you live after that horror, and any innocents you might kill from now on, are a weight on me too. I have to try to prevent that. I want you to be more the healer I met, not the haunted man you've become.” she said while cupping my cheek. “And I still love you, even when you've done the most awful thing I can imagine. I almost hate myself for that,” Hawke admitted before dropping her hand and looking away again for seconds that lasted forever.
My cheek felt so much colder, even after only that moment.
The self-loathing in her eyes had frozen in my heart and I could feel my own eyes leaking. I fumbled for my belt knife to give to her, saying, “You should have killed me. I never wanted to break you too. I wanted all the blame for my actions... to keep you safe.”
She sobbed once as she plucked the blade away before I realized she was moving. It landed with a clatter further in the cave and she added sadly, “No, no cheap answers.”
I let myself go limp against the ground to say, “I'm... fractured and I haven't yet found a way to be free after years of looking. I can't go on like this. Prisoner of the Circle Tower, prisoner of the my taint, prisoner of my ideals, and prisoner of Justice. I'd gnaw off a paw if I could just be free.”
Hawke sighed, closing her mossy eyes for a long moment, “We'll manage somehow, but you have to talk to me more. Let me help.”
Tracing one of her tear tracks back up, I echoed, “Let me help you.”
Smiling faintly, she said practically, “We have to get further away before anyone else finds us.”
I helped her stand, in wonder that Hawke still wasn't afraid of me, of us. I could burn her to a cinder or crush her into stillness, then use other spells to finish it. I could only count that as an undeserved blessing from the Maker after yesterday.
The others had moved towards the cave entrance while we slept, though I guessed we might not have been quiet enough with that slap. Our meal was some of the fancier baked goods that had been in the kitchen at the mansion, a little dry without the usual extras, but filling even if they did not travel well. It would be a long time until I thought we might have their like again.
They looked at me with varying combinations of wariness and dislike, and our meal was mostly silent aside from Varric and Merrill talking about the terrain. Actually Merrill was rambling about the fauna's oddities and Varric was asking just enough to keep her talking. Hawke wasn't far from me when we sat, but we weren't even touching, let alone how she'd usually lean back against me, her warmth a comfort.
The former guards had their packs closer to the cave entrance, and when Hawke had finished eating, Aveline finally spoke.
“We're going to move on now, maybe find guard work somewhere else or join a mercenary crew. Hope we can find one of the better ones that isn't scum...” the former Watch Captain said flatly, with a glance at her husband.
“I'm sorry I screwed up your life, Aveline. From Lothering to now, looks like I'm real good at that,” Hawke said, her voice too stark.
“No, you helped me with cleaning up the guard and helping us get married,” Aveline said, looking over and taking her husband's hand. “I knew Wesley couldn't live much longer with how fast the taint was taking him. You were kind for a stranger when he would have hunted your family. I didn't want to do it for him, so I shouldn't have been surprised when you...”
Hawke was only looking at the ground when she answered, “I wish we could have waited a little longer for you to at least say more goodbyes.”
Smiling sadly, Aveline shook her head, “I'm sorry I blamed you for doing it for so long, but we all knew the horde wasn't far. More time wouldn't have changed what happened, and he's with the Maker now. He'd be horrified by what we've seen the other Templars do in Kirkwall.”
I'd almost forgotten her first husband had been a Templar, a rarity in itself, because they were almost locked up too, watching us. Few married that I'd ever seen. I frowned at that thought, and I felt Justice shift a little
“Still, all the things that were the worst, were already there when we arrived,” Aveline claimed, “
We made a difference in large and small ways and that won't disappear even if we do.”
“The chains of Tevinter slavery and abuse never left the city, only the top dogs changed,” Varric put in. “With apologies to the mabari over there. Even if the law isn't there, those blasted statues never left, still casting their pall over every space in the city. I for one, am very glad they're going to have to be hauled away as scrap now, though I wonder who's going to profit on it.”
“Not you, my friend,” Aveline said with one of her softer smiles.
Varric grinned, “Captain, you still forget the sheer number of relatives I seem to have in that city. I may own a piece of one of those things yet, and I'll put it above my mantle. And I wonder what enchantment-boy would make of that metal now?”
Oh, Maker, that was tons of metal, part of the strongest outpouring of magic I'd ever heard of. That impossibility I'd have to think about later.
“Still, I'm leaving Kirkwall with more in some ways than I left Ferelden,” Aveline said with a smile at Donnic and wiping off one of her newer shields.
Hawke had a sweet smile for Aveline when she said, “I did grab something to bring, but I think you need it more than me.” With that she moved over to her pack and pulled a slip of paper out of one of those books.
Puzzled until she opened the folded paper, Aveline grinned at Hawke for the first time in a long while, saying, “No, you should keep it as we may never meet again.”
This was a deeper silence as she'd said aloud what I don't think they'd wanted to admit.
Reaching over to scratch Bigpaws, Hawke said, “That's why you should have it. I managed to bring more things with me when I left, but the rest of you couldn't because you decided to help me. I didn't manage to grab things for everyone, I wasn't thinking.”
“All I truly possess is part of me,” Fenris said as his first real statement today, “That cannot be taken away.”
Merrill looked worried, but Varric said with a smile, “Don't worry, Daisy, I'll see if I can acquire your toy. I'd far rather it not fall into the hands of fools.”
“Then I accept,” Aveline stated to Dera. Looking at her husband, she added while taking off her hair tie, “Take this, then. You need to change your hair anyway.”
Hawke nodded and took her long brown hair out of the bun she usually kept it in, removing pins and picks and shaking it out. Then she tied the cord around her head like Aveline had had hers.
I'd seen her dark hair loose many times after we'd made love, all of which seemed ages ago. I didn't like seeing it loose out in the open like this. My fingers itched, either to help put it back the way it belonged or to run my fingers through it as I kissed her.
I ended up sitting on my fingers.
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A/N: Thanks to my readers who have been kind enough to read this and point out stupid flubs. Any typos that remain are not intentional... Reviews or a PM to let me know what you think would be very appreciated.
